Story No. 34
‘Let’s face it George’ I said ‘Iraq and Afghanistan are both train wrecks’
‘You think so Barney?’ said George ‘I thought they were going particularly well’
‘Come on George’ I said ‘the terrorists are behaving like they’ve just won both the Superbowl and the World Series and we’re getting blow up more often than a punctured tyre’
‘But Dick and Dan are telling me that things are looking great’ said George
‘Dick and Dan wouldn’t have enough nous to use asbestos coated toilet paper if their asses were on fire’ I said ‘they’re hopeless. You’ve got to make changes at the top’
‘Well Barney’ said George ‘even if you’re right what can I do? Dick’s the elected vice-president and he’s great buddies with Don Rumsfeld who is a terrific guy’
‘Look’ I said ‘there’s no easy way of saying this but Don’s got to go. It’s difficult to know what he stands for or which side he’s on. He’s got more sides than the Pentagon’
‘Very funny’ said George ‘but now you come to mention it I think Condi Rice is a bit worried about him’
‘It’s not rocket science’ I said ‘Don insists that limited troop numbers in Iraq are the go but even a poodle could tell you that we need a surge there and I don’t mean a concert tour by Madonna’
‘Look Barney’ said George ‘all the stuff I’m getting from the Pentagon supports Don’s policy’
‘Well of course it does’ I said ‘they report to him. But I’ve got a friend who’s a Pentagon guard dog and he tells me there are rumblings’
‘I’m not surprised’ said George ‘I thought the food there was pretty average’
‘The generals are pissed’ I said ‘that Don’s ignoring their advice on the military situation. We simply don’t have enough troops in Iraq to kick Al Qaeda in the cobblers’
‘As I understand it’ said George ‘Don believes that because the terrorists operate in small groups they need to be opposed by small specialist units’
‘Look at it this way’ I said ‘the way to stop the brilliant individual talents in the Patriots’ offence is by blitzing them, by the whole defence surging and taking them out’
‘Very interesting Barney’ said George ‘I hadn’t looked at it that way before. But would that tactic work against terrorists’
‘It works against the Patriots’ I said ‘and their offensive line is one of the world’s most dangerous terrorist organisations’
‘But if I reassign Don’ said George ‘who could I put in his place?’
‘That’s easy’ I said ‘Robert Gates. He’s so good that even the Democrats would appoint him’
‘I’m still not sure’ said George ‘that there’s enough evidence to justify reassigning Don. He’s been an incredibly strong supporter of mine over many years as well as a great friend and I’m very loyal to people like that’
‘Here’s the bottom line George’ I said ‘if you don’t take decisive action like rissoling Don, Iraq and Afghanistan will be on the public nose and your poll numbers will take a dive’
‘Good Lord’ said George ‘how soon can Robert Gates start?’
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