Posts Tagged ‘Copenhagen Conference’
Not What He Longed For
How appropriate that Kevin was chopped off at the knees by someone called Bill Shorten!
Decarbonated
The Citizen’s Assembly on climate change will be drawn from all parts of the community except for Barnaby Joyce’s relations, miners and anyone who’s neither a member of the greens nor was a delegate to the Copenhagen Conference.
Vote People
Julia’s got a ready-made Citizens Assembly to tackle the asylum seeker problem. It’s located on Christmas Island.
Sex on the Wayne
Joe Hockey claimed that Wayne Swan has done for the economy what Paris Hilton did for celibacy. The truth is however that Wayne has done far more for celibacy than he’s done for the economy.
A Close Thing
Julia said that as far as climate change is concerned there’s very little between her and Tony. That’s almost certainly why it’s getting hotter.
Out of Control Freak
There have been complaints that when Kevin was PM he didn’t attend any committee meetings. Of course he didn’t. He simply told them in advance what to do.
All Black All-Clear
The US Congress isn’t ready to contemplate an ETS and neither is Julia. They obviously feel the world can relax now that NZ has introduced an ETS.
Losing Direction
Christine Milne the Greens deputy leader claims that her party has a vision for Australia right up to 2050. She has yet to confirm their campaign slogan is ‘Moving Forward Going Backwards’.
Tags: asylum seekers, Barnaby Joyce humour, Bill Shorten humour, Christine Milne, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, Joe Hockey humour, Julia Gillard humour, Kevin Rudd satire, Paris Hilton, the Greens, Tony Abbott satire, Wayne Swan satire
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
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Tags: Climate Change, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, Gay Niblett
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For some time Friday Mash has perceived that politicians have a serious communication problem. Political rhetoric is becoming increasingly detached from reality.
Some argue it is unreasonable to expect politicians to tell the truth when it could cost them votes or their job. Others are concerned that politicians could lose all credibility if they become totally disconnected from the bleedin’ obvious.
For example Julia sees the building of an education revolution while the public sees revoltingly overpriced and undersized school buildings.
NoSpin Doctors is yet another political public service from Friday Mash. We have assembled a team with world class expertise in derevolutionising spin and getting to the truth of the matter. Their first assignment is to help you understand what Kevin might have said about the ETS if he wasn’t a prime political spinner.
Here is their NoSpin version.
“Climate change was very effective in helping me win the 07 election and also in identifying me as a world-class statesman and future Secretary General of the United Nations.
I called climate change ‘The greatest moral challenge of our generation’ because that was the best slogan the spin doctors could come up with and it made me sound really committed.
There’s no doubt that Malcolm Turnbull is an all-time bombastic pompous twit but it was great to have him onside in the ETS debate.
I became convinced that the ETS was an absolute no-brainer because it raised tons of taxes, needed a whole new level of bureaucracy and reduced the Coalition to a heap of carbon-emiting ashes.
Everything was proceeding brilliantly until that prime pain in the arse Tony Abbott rolled Malcolm and the ETS went down the tubes together with my chances of being the star of the Copenhagen Conference.
I acknowledge that Penny and I exaggerated the consequences of not passing the ETS legislation through the Parliament before Copenhagen. I’m sure people understood that bushfires, droughts and raging seas would not actually engulf Australia before Christmas but I was apprehensive that if I went to Copenhagen without an ETS no-one would take any notice of me. At least I got that right.
In retrospect I have to admit that Tony was right about not rushing ahead with the ETS before Copenhagen and of course the Coalition was quite right to throw it out in the Senate.
If it had passed Australia would be lumbered with a massive tax on everything and be hopelessly uncompetitive in world markets. I only wish I’d heeded Tony’s advice sooner.
My decision to abandon the ETS and a few other difficult projects has caused my poll numbers to drop. But I do not shrink from the tough decisions needed to axe projects resulting from my stupid decisions in the first place.
Yes it’s true the ETS is a massive tax on everything and Penny and I were less than frank about its true impacts, but I think it’s a bit rich that from Beijing to London and right across Australia I am now being subjected to an outbreak of global cooling.”
Tags: BER, Building the Education Revolution, Climate Change, Climate Change Conference, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, global cooling, global warming, greatest moral challenge of our generation, Julia Gillard, Kevin 07, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Penny Wong, Political rhetoric, Roger Pugh, Tony Abbott, United Nations
Posted in Weekly Mash | 1 Comment »
And it came to pass that carbon emissions were polluting the land and the people were really choked up about it.
Kevin the Grand Prophet of the Decarbonators and his sidekick Prebendary Penny were roaming the land warning of dire consequences like drought, fires and Julie Bishop if they were not anointed the true saviours who could achieve a parting of the black sea of emissions with their miracle ETS and lead the people through it to a carbon-free promised land.
The blessed Malcolm who was King of the Carbonators agreed with them but his sidekick Tomcat Tony did not. He claimed the ETS was a massive tax on everything and who cares about droughts and fires if you lose you job and your electricity account is as deeply in debt as Wayne’s budget.
The Carbonators got increasingly pissed with the Blessed Malcolm because he was in bed with Grand Prophet Kevin and Prebendary Penny although he claimed it was an emissions-free zone.
Nevertheless the Blessed Malcolm parted ways with the Carbonators who made Tomcat Tony their leader and gave the Blessed one a carbon footprint up his backside.
The people became more Carbonator friendly because they didn’t want to be in hock to the electricity companies and they found out that once they reached the carbon-free promised land Prebendary Penny would be appointed the chief carbon tax collector.
Cheered on by Tomcat Tony the Carbonators in the Senate refused to allow Grand Prophet Kevin and Prebendary Penny to impose their miracle ETS on the people despite dire warnings of doom from Chief Profit Al, who believes the ETS is a carbon copy of the Holy Grail.
The Grand Profit Kevin and Prebendary Penny then travelled to a World Convocation of Decarbonators in Copenhagen but were mortified to find that their ETS got the same reception as a salary cap and trade scheme at the Melbourne Storm.
In recent times the Grand Prophet Kevin has had a greenhouse epiphany. He has renounced his miracle ETS and capped and traded the Prebendary Penny. This is the price he has to pay for staying in power although its quite reasonable compared with the price everyone else is paying for power.
The people are quite happy to go on being carbonated. Its such a relief not to have Prebendary Penny rabbiting on about disasters all the time and now they can relax and listen to music by Coal Porter.
The Grand Prophet Kevin has switched his attention to the new Greatest Moral Challenge of our Generation which is finding the way to a debt-free promised land through a parting of the red sea of ink splashed all over Wayne’s budget.
As for the challenge of reaching the carbon-free promised land through a parting of the black sea of emissions the Grand Prophet Kevin has postponed his next attempt until 2013 which will give him time to go back to the bullrushes and start work on a new miracle.
He’s not too discouraged by what has happened. After all parting is such sweet sorrow.
Tags: Carbon Emissions, carbon-free, Carbonators, Coal Porter, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, Decarbonators, ETS, government debt, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Melbourne Storm, Penny Wong, salary cap, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan
Posted in Weekly Mash | No Comments »
Talking Points for Labour Politicians
Week Commencing 25th April 2010
1. Home Insulation Scheme
Try to take the heat out of this subject by reassurances that Greg Combet is doing a great job cooling things down. But don’t go overboard on Greg because Kevin wants to take most of the credit.
Reinforce the point that the scheme was part of the Governments stimulus package which has kept the country in jobs apart from the home insulation industry.
Peter Garrett continues to enhance his reputation as a first-class minister by banning Chinese coal ships from doing tourist class tours round the Barrier Reef.
The government has now taken a courageous decision to shut the scheme down. The incredible job we’re doing re-insulating the homes we’ve already insulated means we’re running out of stimulus. This development in no way detracts from the brilliant achievements of this ground-breaking initiative. It simply means that all the families who have had their homes insulated wont have to worry any more and those that haven’t wont have to worry in case they do.
2. BER
The Deputy Prime Minister is puzzled by the intense criticism of Building the Education Revolution. She claims that all the school buildings completed so far are just like the Opera House; curvy roofs and built for a song.
The Inquiry team are already hard at work and the rumour that they will receive a five per cent fee on all COLAs is being investigated.
Julia is spending a tremendous amount of time touring schools and is absolutely ecstatic at the success of the programme. She wears a hard hat not because she fears a COLA roof falling on her head but rather because Kevin doesn’t want to be the only one who looks like a goose on television.
3. ETS
Try to avoid talking about the ETS and Penny Wong. She is currently suffering from chronic Copenhagen withdrawal symptoms and is still paying off the hotel bills for the one hundred and fourteen Aussie delegates. That’s why Kevin can’t afford to go overseas at the moment.
4. Tony Abbott Sledge of the Week
He’s fallen off his bike once too often when he wasn’t wearing a helmet.
5. Joe Hockey Sledge of the Week
If he lost weight he might have a slim chance of becoming leader of the opposition.
6. The Hospitals Plan
The agreement to the hospitals plan is historic, a monumental achievement by Kevin, the biggest reform in centuries and the most significant event in the sector since Tony Abbott ripped out one billion dollars.
Above all this is a personal triumph for Kevin, the jewel in the crown of his first term and a huge advantage for working families and other people as well.
Colin Barrett, the premier of WA thought the plan was absolutely brilliant but couldn’t agree to it because he’s the political stooge of Tony Abbott. Kevin is determined to resolve this impasse through constructive negotiation even if it means WA hospitals are forced to operate in carparks.
It is a tribute to Kevin’s supreme negotiating skills that the premiers agreed to accept bucketfuls of money and to run the hospitals themselves because the federal government’s too busy cleaning up the BER and the home insulation scheme. What’s more he persuaded the premiers to hand over thirty percent of their GST revenue so he could place it in a pool where they will be absolutely swimming in it.
There is absolutely no truth in the rumour that John Brumby only agreed to the plan after he was threatened with major surgery to take out his GST and that Kristina’s agreement was secured only after she was threatened with a Tripodi-Obeid plot to replace her with Frank Sartor.
The assertion from Tony Abbott, who by the way ripped one billion dollars out of hospitals when he was health minister, that the plan simply adds another level of bureaucracy is absolutely false. The extra bureaucrats are an addition to the existing layer whose role is to prevent hospital operations becoming too bureaucratic.
And let’s not forget the patients. This plan will guarantee them world’s best practice hospital care. For example a patient who turns up at an emergency department having just had a heart attack and been run over by a bus will only have to wait a maximum of four hours.
Tags: BER, Building the Education Revolution, Chinese coal ships, COLA, Colin Barrett, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, Frank Sartor, Greg Combet, GST revenue, home insulation scheme, hospital plan, hospitals, Joe Hockey, John Brumby, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, KRudd, Penny Wong, Peter Garrett, stimulus package, Tony Abbott
Posted in Politics, Weekly Mash | 2 Comments »
Wonderful, Wonderful Copenhagen
Kevin took 114 delegates to the Copenhagen Conference. Friday Mash can now confirm there were no fatalities on this mission and all have returned safely. Some delegates however reportedly suffered hypothermia, a couple had mental breakdowns trying to make sense of it all and one was rescued from a snowdrift by a great dane.
The Greatest Moral Challenge of our Time
Tony Abbott is keen that his Emissions Reduction Fund should retain its virginity as long as possible and is determined to stop Kevin stuffing it.
Thanks a Trillion
A White House spokesman has confirmed that Obama wont be bringing the US debt to Australia. China owns such a large part of of it they insist he leaves it there for safe keeping while he’s overseas.
Unseasonal Greetings
Despite rumours that he is planning to seek asylum in Australia immigration authorities will not insist Obama travels here from Indonesia via Christmas Island. On the other hand there is still a widespread view that his first coming in Australia should be at Christmas.
A Case of Whether
The good news for Australia on climate change is that NZ now has an ETS up and running. Obviously the sensible thing for Kevin to do is check whether it has any effect on global warming before trying to launch one here.
Tally Ban
Following an extensive research study the Taliban will not be fielding any candidates in the NSW State Election in 2011. Surprisingly the study showed they were even less popular than the current Labor Government.
Floored
Consistent with Kevin’s beneficence in providing jobs for opposition members it is expected that after Malcolm crosses the floor to vote for the ETS he will be offered the job of cleaning it.
Rejoyce
It is difficult to understand why Wayne Swan and Lindsay Tanner are so critical of Barnaby Joyce. He’s helping the Labor Government immeasurably more than they are.
Tags: Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Christmas Island, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, Debt, Emissions Reduction Fund, ETS, global warming, immigration, Kevin Rudd, Lindsay Tanner, Malcolm Turnbull, NSW Labor Government, NSW State Election, President of USA, Taliban, Tony Abbott, US debt, virginity, Wayne Swan
Posted in Carbon Emissions | 2 Comments »
Virgin on the Political
George Brandis claimed that Julia Gillard is not qualified to pronounce on parenting because she doesn’t have children. He was however quite happy for her to discuss virginity with the hopelessly unqualified Tony Abbott.
Ball Control
There seems to be a concerted move in the UK to prevent John Terry’s sexual indiscretions being placed in the same league as Tiger’s. It is claimed he merely put the finishing touches to a movement down his right flank.
Blockbuster
Serena Williams victory in the Australian Open seemed to be the antithesis of the outcome in Avatar.
Sheer Terror
Obama is searching for the ideal environment for the trial of the 9/11 masterminds now that the Big Apple plan has been juiced. Support is growing for setting up a video link between the courtroom and the defendants traveling on a pilotless plane on course to crash into Al Qaeda central.
Lord Blair of Baghdad
The Iraq Inquiry in the UK seems increasingly like a deliberate attempt to undermine George W Bush’s place in history and pin all the blame for the war on Tony Blair. And it’s an absolute scandal that so far there’s been no mention of John Howard.
The Penny Hasn’t Dropped
Kevin and Penny Wong are having a third go at getting the Lazarus ETS legislation passed by parliament.
They must either know something the rest of us don’t or don’t know something the rest of us do.
The evidence available to mere mortals indicates that the EU’s ETS is useless, Europe won’t set emissions reductions targets before the US who won’t set them before China who won’t set them. The scientific evidence underpinning an ETS looks increasingly discredited and the only delegates in Copenhagen who looked remotely interested in taking urgent action on climate change were Kevin, Penny and those from small developing countries excited by the prospect of a big cash handout.
Perhaps its just that Kevin and Penny have seen An Inconvenient Truth too many times or they haven’t yet seen the latest Newspoll.
Men of Action
Kevin and Obama are both heavily criticised for being all talk and no action. Perhaps action has become an unacceptable political risk undertaken only by carpetbaggers like George W Bush and Tony Abbott.
Tags: 9/11, Al Qaeda, Avatar, Barack Obama, Big Apple, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, George Brandis, George Bush, George W Bush, John Howard, John Terry, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Penny Wong, Serena Williams, The Iraq Inquiry, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott, Tony Blair
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly brings you all the latest buzz on the powerful and the pathetic from his unique vantage point high up on the walls of their offices.
Kevin convened a meeting with Julia, Wayne and Penny to discuss tactics for a third go at getting the ETS legislation passed.
‘Fair suck of the sauce bottle’ said Kevin ‘Penny spends ages locked away with that MacFarlane guy, we get Malcolm in our pocket and then the Coalition go fxxking feral and we’re up against a climate change cretin like the Mad Monk. He’s your mate Julia, can’t you do some budgie smuggling with him?’
‘Now Kevin let’s be absolutely clear about this’ said Julia ‘I went off him after he called you a toxic bore, an egregious egotist, a prissy, preening little nerd and a …’
‘Alright, alright’ said Kevin ‘now here’s the plan. We’ll have to explain the ETS a bit more like coming clean about what its actually going to cost people’
‘Good heavens’ said Penny, visibly shaken ‘you can’t to that. You can’t trust people to put the fate of the world and this government before their own greedy self-interest.’
‘All we have to say’ said Kevin ‘is that everyone’s getting an ETS rebate. We don’t have to reveal that for half the population it’s hopelessly inadequate. And Penny I want you to lead an ETS charm offensive. Have your face permanently botoxed into a smile and stop referring to Tony Abbott as a Neanderthal sub-human sceptic’
‘I’d rather spend another week at the Copenhagen Conference’ said Penny
‘I think we should review whether the ETS is the best way to reduce carbon emissions’ said Wayne
Kevin recoiled in horror like someone had just served him a beef sandwich.
‘What the fxxk are you talking about Wayne’ he roared ‘of course it’s the fxxking best way’
‘Shouldn’t we set up a parliamentary committee to investigate it?’ asked Wayne bravely ‘I mean it’s a huge economic pain in the ass and the Northern Hemisphere’s just entered a new ice age’
‘I’ve already got five committees investigating it’ said Kevin ‘and there’s another committee analysing whether we should have another committee’
The intercom buzzed ‘Excuse me prime minister, John Grant’s on the phone asking whether you’ll need to borrow a ute for the next election’
‘Tell him I’ll need two’ said Kevin ‘there isn’t room for my hair dryer if I only use one’
‘Well I’d bring in another stimulus package’ said Wayne ‘to pay everybody’s electricity bills’.
‘That’s a fxxking stupid idea’ said Kevin ‘I’m spending all my time trying to stop Julia wasting stimulus money on senseless school halls’
‘I know’ said Julia ‘we should give everybody work choices. They can either install their own solar heating or spend their weekends at power stations cleaning coal’
‘Brilliant’ said Kevin ‘I’ve always liked the idea of work choices’
Tags: Climate Change, Coalition, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, Fly on the Wall, Ian MacFarlane, John Grant, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Penny Wong, stimulus package, Tony Abbott, Utes, Wayne Swan, Work Choices
Posted in Fly on the Wall | 4 Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
15th January 2010
Dear Mr President,
I can’t tell you how excited we all are. We’ve just heard that Hillary is coming to Australia next week and would you believe Prince William is coming at the same time. It’s a good job she’s not a republican.
We obviously couldn’t invite both of them to address the Obama Fan Club during the same week, so we held an emergency meeting of the management committee and chose Hillary because she’s such a wonderful woman and so close to you.
I hope you don’t mind but we’ve sent her a direct message inviting her to our meeting on the nineteenth. She gets booked up so early and I dare say your ambassador Jeff Bleach has already booked her in for a nosh or two with Kevin.
We also told her to bring Bill along too if he’s coming with her. You may recall I told you that Mildred met Bill when she was a pole dancer in Vegas. If we can find a pole I’m sure he’d recognise her.
The Japanese are furious with Julia over whales. She’s doing the PM’s job while Kevin is away writing children’s books.
When it comes to whales there’s a huge cultural difference between the Aussies and the Japs. They believe they should be harpooned and eaten while we see them as cuddly creatures who deserve a better fate than being served as sashimi.
Julia’s thrown one of her headmistress wobblers telling the Japs to stop sinking the protesters’ boats which are trying to sink their whaling ships and suggesting more controversial places to stick their harpoons.
Meanwhile the Japs have told her in no uncertain terms to keep her nose out of it and you can understand why. It’s very large and pointed and would be a very effective substitute for a harpoon.
This week the Club’s World Affairs Think-tank debated whether the Copenhagen Conference had been any use at all.
Hilda said it was inspiring that delegates could still get their knickers in a knot about global warming when they were suffering from frostbite.
Gladys who’s never said anything before made a very critical contribution. She reckoned the Conference would have been a huge success if the other forty thousand delegates had just turned up for the last day like you. It was the previous ten days that caused all the problems.
Neville thought the conference in Mexico might go better because the climate will allow the delegates to demonstrate solar power and not just their wind power.
Mildred made a very astute observation. She reckoned there were too many people there. China and the US got distracted. All you need is a conference where those two agree to a reasonable reduction in emissions and the rest of us can carry on as usual.
I summed up the meeting by blaming Tony Abbott for the mess in Copenhagen. It was his fault the rest of the world didn’t get the chance to adopt Kevin and Penny’s ETS. Though perhaps they were not so inclined to be Penny foolish as pound wise.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, China, Climate Change, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, global warming, Hillary Clinton, Japanese whaling, Jeff Bleach, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Obama, Obama Fan Club, Penny Wong, Prince William, Solar Power, Tony Abbott, Wind power
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 1 Comment »
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