Guide to Election Sanity Sustainability

By Tori Banger, Dick Head and P.E. Doff

Our UK, US and Canberra political correspondents have pooled their vast experience and research acquired through years of intense mental suffering during election campaigns.

Here is their exclusive guide to the protection of Friday Mashmates’ mental health now that the upcoming mid-term election in the US and the federal election in Australia are threatening to send you absolutely barking.

The first rule of sanity sustainability during elections is make up your mind which party you’re going to vote for before the campaign starts. If you try to make sense of the campaign you’re a goner.

The purpose of an election campaign is widely misunderstood. It enables politicians to get out and actually meet real people with problems and help them understand that its their job to solve them. Understandably this causes them to become over- excited and promise things they have no hope of delivering. But surely everybody understands that by now.

Sometimes politicians try to bribe people to vote for them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with accepting the bribe and not voting for them. They can’t check whom you voted for and in view of the fact they break so many promises themselves they can’t really expect you to keep yours.

Politicians are always trying to impose rules and standards on advertising but their own ad campaigns break every rule in the book relating to false claims and misrepresentation.

Election Sanity’s research shows conclusively that watching more than six election campaign ads a day can make you brain-dead faster than watching rugby league matches or reruns of Kevin trying to explain the super profits tax.

Ignore anything said in election campaigns about carbon emissions or global warming especially by Penny Wong, Al Gore and the Greens. Chances are they haven’t got the faintest idea what they’re talking about If they had they wouldn’t be taking part in an election because that’s the largest source of greenhouse gases on the planet.

It is vital that during an election campaign voters stay ever vigilant when watching television, poised to change channels instantly when a mentally disturbing politician appears.

In Australia watch out particularly for Craig Emerson who faithfully and persistently repeats the spin doctor sludge of the day. You can easily suffer considerable brain damage trying to fathom what Martin Ferguson is saying without an interpreter.

And there is a special Election Sanity warning about Wayne Swan. Now he’s lost Kevin, his mate Hooray Henry has been kicked in the cobblers by Julia and it’s too late to blame John Howard for anything it is easy to experience an anxiety disorder waiting for him to say something sensible.

Be extremely wary if Julia tries to kiss you during the election campaign. Mark Latham, Kevin and Kim Beazley didn’t realise it was the kiss of death until it was too late.

If you see Tony making a hairy-chested election address on a beach dressed as a lifesaver remember its his own life he’s trying to save not yours.

If you get offers from people like Bill Shorten, Mark Arbib and Joe Tripodi to power-broke you into something in return for your vote run a mile. Once the elections over you’re expendable. Just ask Kevin.

During the US mid-term elections watch out for a number of politicians whom Election Sanity has placed on a mental health watch list. Nancy Pelosi’s madness is uniquely contagious, listening to Sarah Palin can give you nightmares about being stranded with her in an Alaskan blizzard, you’ll certainly meet a Mad Hatter at a Tea Party rally and any candidate backed by Obama will bring about mental change you could never believe in.

Follow these rules, read Election Sanity regularly, visit a psychiatrist for a pre and post election check and you are guaranteed protection from election brain disconnection.