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Posts Tagged ‘David Cameron’

Coalition Impossible - Friday, May 14th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

Guy the Friday Mash Superfly alighted on a wall in the cabinet office just as David Cameron and Nick Clegg were discussing prospects for a coalition between the Conservative Party and the Liberal Democrats. We have just received this exclusive communiqué.

‘Thank heavens Gordon’s decided to go’ said Nick

Source: UK Telegraph

Source: UK Telegraph

‘You can’t trust him’ said David ‘he says he’s not going until September and he’ll renege on that undertaking if he gets a coalition deal with you. The only way to get him out of Number 10 is a military blockade preventing porridge deliveries. He’s even thinking of changing the street name from Downing to Browning’

‘Well look’ said Nick ‘Labor has promised us a reform of the voting system’

‘They wont agree to any system which delivers less seats and forces them into a coalition’ said David ‘and neither will we unless I’m the Prime Minister’

‘But’ said Nick ‘my party insists on its right to be the kingmaker’

‘Well that’s one way to get support from Charles and Camilla’ said David ‘but you can’t be serious about doing a deal with Mandelson and the Milibands. They’re like Ireland’s performance in the Twenty/20 world cup. A non-event’

‘Labor are arguably a better coalition fit for us’ said Nick

‘If you get into bed with that lot’ said David ‘they’d consummate the marriage by giving you a right shafting’

‘Listen’ said Nick ‘there are people in my party who think that getting into bed with the Tories would be amoral, asexual and unacceptably anal’

‘All you would get from Labor’ said David ‘is a camp bed with bedfellows to match’

‘David Miliband’s not a bad chap’ said Nick ‘although I don’t think I could stand a load of Balls’

‘If you formed a coalition with that load of losers’ said David ‘it would be like helping Accrington Stanley reserves get into the Premier League’

‘My problem’ said Nick ‘is that some people in my party think that a coalition with the Tories would be like marrying the lovechild of George W Bush and Margaret Thatcher’

‘My problem’ said David ‘is that some people in my party think that a Coalition with the Lib Dems would be like joining a hippie pot-smoking commune’

‘What the hell’ said Nick ‘every party’s got its share of loonies, why don’t we ignore them and just get on with it?’

Source: UK Telegraph

Source: UK Telegraph

‘Good idea’ said David ‘let’s do a coalition deal that tackles the financial crisis responsibly and decisively, stipulates a referendum on electoral reform and gives the country the stable secure government it deserves’

‘Couldn’t agree more’ said Nick ‘and don’t forget all my members get unlimited parliamentary expenses’

‘Of course’ said David

‘Ok’ said Nick ‘I’m just popping off for a meeting with Mandelson and the Milibands to discuss matters of mutual interest and I’ll get back to you’

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Posted in Fly on the Wall | No Comments »

Lots of Ashes but Nothing Rising from Them - Friday, April 23rd, 2010

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tori-banger_smlUK Report by Tori Banger

Lots of Ashes but Nothing Rising from Them

The cloud of volcanic ash hovering over the UK is seen by the faithful as a merciful intervention by the Almighty to draw a veil over the election.

The Liberal Democrat surge since the leaders debate has increased the likelihood of the UK election becoming every bit as shambolic as the Tasmanian election even without the Hare-brained-Clark electoral system.

The debate once again confirmed that the concept is the most boring, irrelevant and frustrating television offering since climate change documentaries.

If it turns out to be the catalyst for the Liberal Democrats getting even a sniff of government, history will rate it a disaster in the same league as Chamberlain in Munich.

The sort of change the Liberal Democrats would bring to governing the UK would reduce it to the status of a French Second Eleven.

The debate confirmed that Clegg is an Alice in Wonderland, Cameron is a Tory toff and Brown is suffering from selective amnesia which renders him completely unable to recall any of the downright idiotic, immoral or boneheaded things he has done as prime minister. And he has no recollection of anyone called Tonty Blair.

Vulcanologists believe most of the ash engulfing the UK does not come from Iceland but rather from Gordon’s volcanic tantrums.

Tori Banger is having second thoughts about an affair with David Cameron

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Posted in Election Sanity, UK correspondent - Tori Banger | 6 Comments »

It’s Not Cricket - Sunday, April 18th, 2010

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tori-banger_smlUK Report by Tori Banger

It’s Not Cricket

Leading political analysts in the UK have recoiled in horror at the prospect of the country becoming as big a post-election basket-case as Tasmania.

According to latest polling there is a strong possibility of Gordon Brown getting re-elected in a hung parliament and David Cameron being hung in parliament by Margaret Thatcher.

Gordon’s election campaign is not as hopeless as it looks according to his wife. He is still relying heavily on the strategy of stuffing up the country’s finances in an horrendously complex way and claiming he’s the only one who could possibly remember what to do about it. Some commentators believe however that the strategy may be unravelling because amnesia is beginning to set in.

David Cameron has made matters even worse by straying to the left of Gordon and becoming either a latte or a chardonnay socialist or a champagne communist.

According to Gordon, David’s an up-himself toff who has so lost his sense of direction that he doesn’t know whether he’s on his arse or his elbow or whether he’s even in Europe.

David’s getting the blame for driving Malcolm Turnbull into the arms of Kevin and, heaven forbid, Penny over the ETS

What the UK election finally comes down to is which party can inspire the Pommie cricket team to retain the Ashes in Australia.

If Malcolm had the Twenty 20 career in politics, David is at best 50/50 and another five years of Gordon would be the biggest test the UK has ever experienced.

Tori Banger is considering getting into bed with the Liberal Democrats

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Posted in Election Sanity, UK correspondent - Tori Banger | 1 Comment »

Extreme Election Sanity Warning - Friday, April 9th, 2010

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tori-banger_smlUK Report by Tori Banger

UK Election – Extreme Election Sanity Warning

It was a huge shock when Gordon Brown called a UK General Election for the 6th May. Everyone had assumed he was going to carry on in the hope that no-one would notice.

The Queen agreed to dissolve parliament because it is the only hope of putting some fizz back into UK politics.

Political commentators are astonished that Gordon’s got the gall to contest the election after the mess he’s made of the country.

The UK is in deeper financial red ink than any other Western economy except Pitcairn Island and to make ends meet the Bank of England is selling souvenir five quid notes for two bob.

Gordon’s election platform is something short of compelling. After months of trying he claims he can’t take the economy down any further so there’s a chance things could get better.

David Cameron is claiming that if Gordon gets another five years that’s more than enough time for him to find another way to sink below expectations. David is promising to make Britain great again by imposing the sort of harsh regime he experienced as a fag at Eton.

In a desperate masterstroke Gordon has called on Tony Blair to boost his campaign. He’s decided he hates losing more than he hates Tony and because the electorate hates Tony more than it hates him it will make him look good.

It is rumoured however that in a brilliant counter stroke David will call in John Hewson, the acknowledged authority on losing the unlosable election.

Tori Banger is over-excited at the thought of the election reaching a climax

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Posted in UK correspondent - Tori Banger | 3 Comments »

Sewage Disposal Research Shock - Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

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tori-banger_smlUK Report by Tori Banger

UK Election – Sewage Disposal Research Shock

The shock findings from a research study carried out round pubs in the West End are:

  • Gordon Brown has taken the UK economy so far down the toilet he’s got to be re-elected because no-one else can sink that low.
  • David Cameron is going down the same place as the economy because he wants to spread Gordon Brown’s debt sewage amongst the general public.
  • Respondents confirmed that the best way to create the world tenth biggest economy was to elect Gordon Brown to manage the fifth biggest.
  • The level of dishonesty among politicians is perceived to be so high that respondents expect the next session of the UK parliament to be at Wormwood Scrubs.
  • The Westminster system was described as considerable expenses rorting plus five thousand quid a day if you want an MP to actually do something.

    • The UK election could be on May 6th but that assumes the political parties and the electorate coming to an early agreement on whether the going price per vote is fifteen quid or twenty.

    Tori Banger is currently
    researching various bodies
    in Conservative politics

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Posted in Election Sanity, UK correspondent - Tori Banger | No Comments »

Research Study Shock - Thursday, March 25th, 2010

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tori-banger_smlUK Report by Tori Banger

LONDON: Leading figures in the Conservative Party have reacted with shock and outrage to a research study showing that some people in a South Yorkshire mining village still intend to vote for the Labor Party.

They are at a loss to comprehend how incompetent a government has to be before nobody votes for them.

Despite it’s promises the Government has still not been able to indentify where the economy has gone and they still have no clear policy on rolling out parliamentary expenses rorts to the whole community.

After years of intensive practice Gordon Brown has finally learned to smile but may have to stop it because he’s frightening the children.

In order to widen the appeal of the Conservative Party David Cameron has announced his intention to appoint someone to his cabinet who didn’t go to Eton and is not a chum of Camilla Duchess of Something or Other.

Heavens knows when the election will be held. I think they’re waiting to see if there’s sufficient interest.

Tori Banger is a Conservative Party groupie spreading pillow talk

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Posted in Election Sanity, UK correspondent - Tori Banger | No Comments »

In Presient Obama’s Oval Office - Friday, March 12th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

OBAMA RUDD CALL

This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way back to the US, managed to penetrate White House security and found a place on an Oval Office wall just as the President was on the phone to the Prime Minister of Australia.


Guy showed great courage in undertaking this mission in view of the President’s well-publicised skills in fly zapping. Here is his exclusive report.

‘You’re right Kevin’ said Obama ‘I had no idea how difficult it would be to get a healthcare plan up and running.  It’s being blocked by Republicans and healthy people’

‘I see you’ve got Nicola Roxon out there fronting your hospitals plan. It’s such a great idea to have a patient doing the selling for you. I do hope she makes a full recovery’

‘The problem is I want a comprehensive healthcare plan but the Republicans just want to strip everything off.  No, not Sarah Palin thank goodness’

‘Those price-gouging health insurance companies only want to insure healthy people.  Yes that’s a great idea Kevin, a publicly owned health insurance scheme which only insures people in bad health but is paid for by taxes from healthy people.  Wait a bit though wouldn’t that mean that healthy people would claim to be suffering from some awful disease like neo-liberalism?  Of course, that would be a dead giveaway.  They’re just the people we want to tax.  Brilliant’

‘Will my healthcare plan send America broke?  Of course not.  We’ve had Barnaby Joyce over here going through the numbers and he’s found the trillions we owe are actually billions’

‘Yes I’m definitely going to try and get the healthcare bill passed through reconciliation.  What’s that?  Reconciliation works better if you say ‘sorry’ first. I don’t think that would work over here’

‘It looks like Gordon Brown’s going to lose the UK election.  Yes I know, he can be a terrible bully.  I don’t think it’s going to be a problem for us because David Cameron seems like forty-five degrees to the left of Sean Penn and the Chinese Politburo.

‘What’s the ETS situation down there?  Oh really, that bad.  Frankly we’re reluctant to do too much about climate change in the US in case we cause next winter to be even colder than this one.  But didn’t Malcolm Turnbull cross the floor to vote for the ETS?

Yes its such shame that  he’s a republican’

‘No sorry Kevin I can’t lease Guantanamo Bay to you just yet. I know you’ve got asylum seeker problems but someone in my administration has just had the brilliant idea that down there would be the ideal place to put the terrorists on trial.  Eric Holder wanted the trials to be in New York.  Can you imagine all the cost and the chaos that would cause?’

‘Yes.  I’m rally looking forward to the trip to Australia and meeting people like Tony Abbott.  Really, but I heard he was the leader of the liberals.  You mean to say that some of the liberals over there are conservatives?  Then how can I tell the difference between the left-wing liberals and the conservative liberals.  Oh I see the left-wing liberals are hairy and don’t dress very well just like Barney Frank.  Thanks that’s a real help’

‘Is there anything I can bring over for you? What about a copy of my healthcare plan? No ? Yes I’m really looking to addressing the joint session of parliament. Just a thought. Peter Garrett didn’t insulate the parliament building did he?’

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Posted in Fly on the Wall | 17 Comments »

Friday Mash Forecasts for 2010 - Thursday, January 7th, 2010

2010 will be one of the coldest years on record. Europe and the US are already recording the lowest January temperatures for yonks. Expect Kevin and Al Gore to claim that the record numbers of people suffering hypothermia are a disastrous consequence of global warming.

Kevin will get his ETS legislation passed at the ninth attempt, but only as part of an anti-smoking campaign. Smokers will be capped at twenty a day but will be able to trade for more from people who have gone to pot.

Tony Abbott will be replaced as leader of the Australian opposition after he has a wardrobe malfunction on a beach and police impound his budgies pending a smuggling investigation.

The Australian federal election will be fought on the economy and the ETS with the Greens making sweeping gains by pointing out that if you have a fair dinkum ETS you can’t afford an economy.

Kevin will run an election campaign which is so toxically boring that half the population will leave the country and the other half will watch DVDs of the Copenhagen Climate Change Conference for light relief.

Obama’s healthcare bill will finally pass in the US based on cost saving amendments which will deny treatment to hypochondriacs even if they’re sick and also to republicans who lean heavily to the right.

The NSW Labor Government will change premiers three times during the year before reaching the conclusion that Joe Tripodi doesn’t have a mate capable of doing the premier’s job.

Tiger Woods will win the 2010 Bartenders Award for shaking the best cocktail waitresses and will take advantage of laws in South Africa allowing polygamy by marrying at least fifty hostesses. This will ensure the next time he strays off the fairway into the rough it will probably be with one of his wives.

The Climate Change Conference in Mexico will achieve an unprecedented level of unanimity because no-one will turn up except Kevin and Al Gore.

The campaign against terrorism will intensify and women seeking to become members of the mile high club will be warned against trying it on with men wearing explosive underpants. They will be advised rather to concentrate on experiences with men offering less dramatic Bonds.

The UK election will be fought on the economy but on assuming power David Cameron will discover the country no longer has one.

The US economy will remain deep in the tank with Obama giving himself an A+ for preventing it from going totally down the toilet and settling the debt to China by giving them Alaska and Sarah Palin provided she’s interned as a dissident.

Politics in Australia will continue to stimulate with Kevin sustaining high popularity rankings by replacing his spin doctors with witch doctors who cast a spell over the electorate. Malcolm Turnbull will sit on a beach in the Maldives trying to repel rising sea levels but he will be dressed in diving gear.

During 2010 the world will once again await the emergence of a politician with the courage and sheer genius to do something wonderful for mankind. And it will almost certainly be doing the same in 2011.

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Posted in Weekly Mash | 2 Comments »