Only now is Australia coming to grips with the mind-numbing reality that it has voted for a coalition. As a special service to the community in its hour of need Friday Mash has undertaken a worldwide survey into coalitions and their consequences.

Earlier this year the Devious Dropkick, Labor premier of Tasmania, launched a pre-election diatribe at the Greens Party labelling them as ‘evil’. His clear inference was that a coalition with them would be akin to putting his head into the mouth of a lion who is suffering from chronic hay fever.

On a recent Lateline the Devious Dropkick described his party’s coalition with the Greens as a haven of harmony based on profound mutual trust and respect. It was hard to believe he had originally tried to deny Tasmanians this utopia of unanimity by going into the election with the aim of the Labor Party governing in its own right.

It all sounded too lovely for words until the interviewer revealed that the coalition government’s greatest achievement to date was establishing a study group into gay marriage. This congenital coalition inaction however has an upside. The coalition partners prevent each other from implementing braindead party policies.

The coalition government in the UK between the Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats has not become the train-wreck so confidently forecast by the Labor Party. This is because David Cameron has turned out to be slightly to the left of Nick Clegg and the Labor Party are so confused they don’t know whether they’re pinkies, greenies or Brownies.

The coalition government has surprised everyone taking drastic action to keep the UK out of bankruptcy. This has really pissed the left wing of the Labor Party who have been pursuing bankrupt policies for years. It’s also pissed sections of the Liberal Democrats but what’s a bit of serious cost cutting if by some unintended electoral malfunction you’ve unexpectedly made it into government.

Italy has always been governed by coalitions because they have a much better understanding of congenital chaos. Italian voters are so coalition minded they don’t appreciate there could be more efficient ways of governing the joint. But that’s the political legacy of a country where presidents are kept in power by the unanimous vote of their mistresses.

In Australia we’ve had a coalition for years and it’s a dire waring to all those who think this form of government offers hope for the future

The punters who believe independents are the answer to the country’s parliamentary malaise are obviously suffering post election brain damage. Rob Oakeshott seems a particular challenge. He suggested that Malcolm should join Julia’s cabinet or Kevin should join Tony’s cabinet. That sounded like a commendably even-handed approach to creating rampant chaos no matter which party forms government.

Tony Windsor claims to dislike the Nationals, the Labor Party, the Greens and Tony. This seems like a promising basis for forming an unstable coalition government.

Bob Katter’s a chatter whose natter can batter, shatter or splatter not flatter his hatter at Parramatta Regatta. In fact the latter could scatter in tatters with his head on a platter.

The conclusion is that most coalitions operate like the United Nations, a homogeneous body of do-nothingness. Come to think of it Julia might describe them as parliamentary citizens assemblies.