Most Recent

Posts Tagged ‘Debt’

Abbott saving his virginity, trillions in debt, Swan attacks Joyce - Thursday, February 11th, 2010

carbon_emissions_masthead

Wonderful, Wonderful Copenhagen
Kevin took 114 delegates to the Copenhagen Conference. Friday Mash can now confirm there were no fatalities on this mission and all have returned safely. Some delegates however reportedly suffered hypothermia, a couple had mental breakdowns trying to make sense of it all and one was rescued from a snowdrift by a great dane.

The Greatest Moral Challenge of our Time
Tony Abbott is keen that his Emissions Reduction Fund should retain its virginity as long as possible and is determined to stop Kevin stuffing it.

Thanks a Trillion
A White House spokesman has confirmed that Obama wont be bringing the US debt to Australia. China owns such a large part of of it they insist he leaves it there for safe keeping while he’s overseas.

Unseasonal Greetings
Despite rumours that he is planning to seek asylum in Australia immigration authorities will not insist Obama travels here from Indonesia via Christmas Island. On the other hand there is still a widespread view that his first coming in Australia should be at Christmas.

A Case of Whether
The good news for Australia on climate change is that NZ now has an ETS up and running. Obviously the sensible thing for Kevin to do is check whether it has any effect on global warming before trying to launch one here.

Tally Ban
Following an extensive research study the Taliban will not be fielding any candidates in the NSW State Election in 2011. Surprisingly the study showed they were even less popular than the current Labor Government.

Floored
Consistent with Kevin’s beneficence in providing jobs for opposition members it is expected that after Malcolm crosses the floor to vote for the ETS he will be offered the job of cleaning it.

Rejoyce
It is difficult to understand why Wayne Swan and Lindsay Tanner are so critical of Barnaby Joyce. He’s helping the Labor Government immeasurably more than they are.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Carbon Emissions | 2 Comments »

Trillions in Debt but KRudd will provide stimulus - Friday, February 5th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

5th February 2010

Dear Mr President,

I was having a cup of tea with Marge when all of a sudden they announced your March visit on the telly. We couldn’t believe it. Marge was so overcome she almost had an accident.

We haven’t got word on your schedule yet and heaven forbid we seem presumptive but you know you’ll get a wonderful welcome at the world’s first Obama Fan Club whether it’s for a keynote address or a cup of tea; but definitely not a Tea Party.

I’ll be in touch with your appointments secretary within the next week or two. It’s so exciting.

I know you’re a few trillions in the red at the moment so while you’re here don’t hesitate to tap Kevin for a stimulus package. I’m sure you qualify.

Tony Abbott’s just released his new carbon emissions reduction plan. I think its something he cooked up over the Christmas holidays. What a cheek to claim he’s got a package as good as the ETS which Kevin and Penny have been working on for years. I’m afraid we’re in for a long boring argument about who’s got the biggest and the one which emits less smoke.

By the way I’ve just checked and the RSL memorial hall will almost certainly be available during your visit. We could fit in a hundred and seventy-five at a pinch with a cup of tea and egg and lettuce sandwiches and Fred is confident he could arrange a tour of the local meatworks.

The Club’s World Affairs Think Tank has been worried about your Iran problem for some time. Bombing the place would not be a good look so soon after scoring the Nobel Peace Prize. So we devoted our session this week to creating alternative strategic tactics to dissuade Ahmadinejad from going ballistic and nuclear.

Fred made a very thoughtful first contribution to a Think Tank session. He was strongly in favour of stuffing up Iran completely by holding the next climate change conference there.

Mildred thought Ahmadinejad craved recognition. She suggested you invite him over to the White House and present him with a major international award like the World’s Worst Dressed President.

Our Mavis’ Bert had a brilliant idea. We should arrange an exchange agreement between the Iranian Government and the NSW Government. Ahmadinejad could advise the NSW Government on vote rigging techniques for the 2011 election and in return they could apply their North-West Metro project development model to his nuclear programme. That should put it back at least twenty years.

Our Mavis thought that Ahmadinejad would feel a natural political affinity with the NSW Shooters Party.

Marge had the idea of the night. She reckoned that as Ahmadinejad was so keen on sponsoring terrorists the Pittsburgh Steelers offered him better value for money than Hamas. They’re always on the telly and they strike terror into everyone.

I was at a loss to sum up such brilliance. Please feel free to take your pick of any of these and don’t forget to give Hillary a comprehensive briefing.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 9 Comments »

Missiles, Debt, Tourism sector in Tehran & Poms - Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

Diplomatic sources have been unsure why North Korea continues to fire missiles. There has been intense diplomatic pressure on both North Korea and Iran to engage in co-operative missile development by firing them at each other. Latest communiques seem to indicate the North Koreans will keep on firing until they score a Kim hit.
…………………………………….

Who is lending the U.S. trillions of dollars to run up all that debt; Bill Gates perhaps, Rupert Murdoch or maybe China? If it is China then it is interesting to speculate what would happen if the U.S. went bankrupt owing them trillions. All flights to the U.S. would undoubtedly go via Beijing, Al Gore would face the inconvenient truth of exile on a melting glacier and Obama would be managing the Yeswecan Chinese Restaurant.
……………………………………..

Details are beginning to emerge of once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Australians to travel to Tehran for the world verbal diarrhoea championship final between Ahmadinejad and Kevin. Owing to his close ties to the U.S. Kevin will not be granted an entry visa. His five and a half hour presentation on the evils of neo-liberalism will be shown on the big screen with sub-titles in the local vernacular threatening dreadful things to anyone who votes for him. Health authorities are anxious that Australians avoid catching verbal diarrhoea which is especially contagious in Tehran. There is no known vaccine but absolute protection is guaranteed from keeping your mouth shut.
……………………………………………..

With the U.S. seemingly poised to lose its world number one superpower status speculation is rife about who will take over. The Poms are knackered, Europe’s gone soft, Russia hasn’t thawed out, India never wins away and China’s too sweet and sour. Experts believe it will be a toss-up between Goldman Sachs, Toyota and Australia. Kevin is quietly confident and already has plans to replace the G8 with himself as G1. From G1 summit meetings he would send a sauce bottle round all world leaders with detailed instructions as to what constitutes their fair suck.

Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »

A Surplus of Deficits - Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

A Surplus of Deficits Or a Deficit of Surpluses

Never has the difference in budget strategy between the main political parties been so clearly defined. Labor does deficits, the Coalition does surpluses.

It is true that first time round Wayne produced a budget surplus. This was an unfortunate temporary glitch because it took him till his second budget to clear up the huge surplus mess left by John and Peter.

Labor’s policy is to avoid budget surpluses at all costs as they upset the unions too much. The unions hate them even more than company profits because they are usually wasted on paying off deficits.

Labor’s budget deficits however have made an outstanding contribution to Australian living standards. The party realises that infrastructure development and welfare reform are only affordable when you throw off the shackles of making a surplus and dive unrestrainedly into deficit.

The Coalition’s rigid focus on delivering surpluses means they can never afford to invest in roads, hospitals, pension increases, paid parental leave and sufficient overseas aid to guarantee Kevin a retirement gig at the United Nations.

Gough, Joan Kirner and Paul Keating all spent their way merrily into deficit secure in the knowledge that when they got kicked out for profligacy the Coalition would produce surpluses to pick up the tab.

Wayne’s legacy will be a different matter. Surpluses may not be enough to pay it off. The Coalition may have to take desperate measures to make up the shortfall by selling their bodies. Medibank Private and Telstra are arguably the most attractive they could offer.

If Kevin and Wayne are serious about getting out of debt and deficit they will adopt the Kennett doctrine. But don’t hold your breath. The unions believe the doctrine is the Taliban edition of work choices.

It was immensely reassuring to hear Wayne talk about the deficit as temporary, similar to the Sydney Harbour Bridge toll.

Japan has gone so deep into deficit they’re pioneered a breakthrough budget concept called deficit surplus. Now there’s an idea for Wayne. He might not be so coy about discussing the size of the budget deficit if he could present it as a surplus.

True to form the Coalition government in Western Australia has just declared a budget surplus. Kevin must be really pissed. It spoils his grand vision of leading an Australia totally united in a crusade of deficit nation building. He’ll probably try to fix things by sending WA the bill for Peter Garrett’s overseas junkets.

Life offers some pretty daunting possibilities at the moment. Wayne is threatening to drown us in debt, Malcolm is threatening to hang us out to dry on a lifeline of economic rationalism and Bob Brown is threatening us with tornadoes, soaring temperatures, plague and pestilence. Presumably that’s like living in Melbourne.

And another thing. If life wasn’t meant to be one long surplus how come there’s never a deficit of politicians?

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Business | No Comments »