This week Guy the intrepid Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to the Christmas 2009 Review Meeting between Santa Claus, the Christmas Fairy and Number One Elf at the North Pole. From a vantage point high on the wall of Santa’s Christmas Grotto he sent us this exclusive report.

‘Dear me’ said Santa ‘this global research study into people’s attitudes to Christmas 2009 is very disturbing. 20% couldn’t remember whose birthday it was, 10% complained about the lack of bar service in churches, 30% thought it was a retail promotion and 40% thought it was a binge drinking carnival’

‘And don’t forget’ said the Christmas Fairy ‘that 80% thought it was spoilt by too much emphasis on religion’

‘Heavens’ said Santa ‘the Archangel won’t like that. He also won’t like the huge offer I’ve had to appear in a VB ad campaign next Christmas. I’ll have to tell him VB stands for virgin birth’

‘People don’t seem to appreciate the presents you give them like they used to’ said the Number One Elf ‘Barnaby Joyce has returned the calculator because he reckons it can’t tell the difference between millions and billions. Belinda Neal has returned the course of anger management classes you delivered on behalf of Kevin and she was really pissed off about it and Kevin has returned his budgie smugglers because they were condemned by the RSPCA’

‘Can you believe’ remarked Santa ‘that some people want to change the whole concept of Christmas. Obama supporters are promoting a second Christmas to mark his birthday and most people believe it should be a beer festival rather than a religious festival’

‘And have you heard the latest?’ asked the Christmas Fairy ‘the Archangel thinks that the reindeer and sleigh is not a viable transportation model in the era of global warming and he’s thinking of giving the Christmas presents delivery contract to DHL’

‘We got a letter from Al Gore the other day’ said the Number One Elf ‘warning us that our Grotto will melt by 2020 and we should seek alternative accommodation that floats. He must think you’re bloody Noah’

‘I’m terribly worried my good name is being eroded by all those out-of-work actors who impersonate me in retail stores’ said Santa ‘I read that one was so strange he got the part of Little Red Riding Hood in a Christmas Panto and another handed out kids toys to the mothers and sex toys to the kids’

‘What on earth should we do for Christmas 2010?’asked the Number One Elf.

‘I think we should do a deal with Obama, Kevin and Gordon Brown’ said the Christmas Fairy ‘to deliver a global Christmas stimulus package each year’

‘I think we should encourage polygamy’ said the Number One Elf ‘It’s much more efficient to have a household like President Zuma’s where you can drop off presents for twenty kids and four wives in one place’

‘We have to go with the flow’ said Santa ‘let’s negotiate a free Christmas grog worldwide delivery service. I’ve always wanted to be a philanthropissed’