Posts Tagged ‘Dick Cheney’
Story No. 32
‘Hello Barney’ said George ‘I’ve got an assignment for you’
I don’t know whether all dogs are as gifted as myself at sniffing trouble ahead but my internal alarm systems started to go off like a police car in hot pursuit.
‘I’m inviting you to this afternoon’s White House Garden Party’ he went on.
This sounded better. The White House Garden Party was a champagne and canapé catastrophe on the lawns for George’s fund raisers, sycophants, and poseurs in the Republican Party.
George loved this event because everyone told him he was the greatest president of all-time and he told them they were the greatest buddies a president could ever have. It was a leading contender for wank of the year.
‘Edgar Shortcrutch is coming this year’ said George ‘and he needs to be, you know, managed’
I did know. Edgar was one of Washington’s premier pains in the posterior region. He was a hot-gospeling television evangelist who gave big bucks to George’s campaigns but was always trying to lecture him on moral decay and barmy schemes like banning sex before thirty-five. This would be particularly unfair on dogs because we only live to eighteen.
‘The truth is’ said George ‘I need to avoid him this afternoon because he’s trying to get me to support his stupid Celebrate Celibate Campaign and it would be hard to say ‘no’ to his face after all the money he’s given me’
‘Why the hell did you invite him then?’ I asked
‘I wasn’t going to’ said George ‘but Dick insisted because he’s a member of Edgar’s congregation’
The thought of Dick Cheney celebrating celibacy rather appealed to me although it has come too late for all those people he’s seriously stuffed during his career.
‘Alright’ I said resignedly ‘what do you want me to do?’
‘Nothing much at all really’ said George ‘I just want you to keep an eye on Edgar at the Garden Party and keep me posted on his whereabouts so I can stay out of his way. I’m sorry I can’t ask my bodyguards to do this because they only specialise in terrorists and assassins and Edgar’s hardly in that league’
‘How do I communicate this info to you?’ I asked
‘Simple’ said George ‘I’ll get us both set up with a mini two-way voice system’
‘And don’t forget’ I said ‘to tell the lady on the hot-dog stand to toss me a chilli dog every time I go past’
A celebrity cast of thousands turned up to the Garden Party. I spotted Edgar as he arrived and tailed him around the lawns reporting frequently to George on his movements and really savouring the chilli dogs.
Then suddenly there was a glitch in the voice system and I lost contact with George. At that very moment I saw Edgar starting to make a bee-line in George’s direction.
The situation called for extreme emergency measures to protect the president. I knew my duty. I raced over and bit a huge chunk out of Edgar’s ankle. He collapsed in a screaming heap on the floor and I fled the scene in advance of calls by my enraged victim to have me put down.
‘You certainly did a job on Edgar’ said George later ‘his hospital bills will cost me a fortune’
‘I stopped him in his tracks though didn’t I? I said
‘I have to hand it to you Barney’ said George ‘mission accomplished. So I’ve brought you a dozen chilli dogs and rejected calls to have you put down. I’d no idea you could be so aggressive’
‘Well now you know George’ I said ‘my bite’s much worse than my bark’
Tags: Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Dick Cheney, George Bush, George W Bush, Republican Party, White House
Posted in Bush and Barney | No Comments »
Story No. 31
‘Now then Barney’ said George ‘I need your advice on my Inauguration Speech. I was thinking about a triumphal address with the theme ‘bury Kerry and downwards with Edwards’
‘Come on George’ I said ‘this is no time to be vindictive. It calls for magnanimity in victory. Kerry and Edwards may be the biggest non-event since the Bay of Pigs but this is a time of healing to proclaim a presidency which will not only unite the peoples of America but of the whole world’
‘Good heavens’ said George ‘where on earth did you get that bullshit from? You must have been watching old Ronald Reagan B movies’
‘No George’ I said ‘it was part of my acceptance address when I was elected Chief Barker at the Top Dog Congress last year. Of course I was talking about dogs but I believe there’s no reason why people can’t also come together in a civilized way’
‘Don’t get me wrong here Barney’ said George ‘I’m talking about a speech which reinforces my reputation as leader of the free world’
‘Yes I know’ I said ‘but it’s a question of whether you want to come across as just having won the Denver dwarf-throwing final or the US Presidency’
‘I see what you mean’ said George ‘reconciliator rather than terminator’
‘Right on George’ I said ‘your theme should be leading the world to a new era of freedom and democracy’
‘I like it’ said George ‘no people will live under the yoke of tyranny while I’m in office’
‘Except’ I said ‘Al Qaeda, the Washington Press Gallery, the Clintons, North Korea, Iran, Al Gore, the Taliban, left wing loonies in Hollywood, Michael Moore and Don Rumsfeld’
‘Why Don Rumsfeld?’ Asked George
‘Because he’s too dangerous to allow out on his own’ I responded ‘and what’s more he’s a racist. I heard him tell someone that he didn’t like Scottish Terriers’
‘I shall reassure everyone who has lost their freedom’ said George ‘that I shall not rest until their democratic rights are restored’
‘What about the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay?’ I asked
‘Oh they’re different’ said George ‘they’re not people they’re terrorists’
‘Osama bin Laden and Nancy Pelosi don’t agree’ I said ‘and what about all those guys renditioned by the CIA to covert overseas arm-twisting centres?’
‘Well only because that sort of thing isn’t allowed in the US’ said George ‘You’re not on their side are you?’
‘No George’ I said ‘it’s just that when I see Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz together sometimes I need to remind myself that we’re on the side of the good guys’
‘Ok’ said George ‘so my Inauguration Speech will be about freedom and democracy for ninety-nine percent of people’
‘Ninety-eight point eight’ I said ‘I forgot that the Chicago Democrats are a terrorist organisation’
Tags: Al Gore, Al Qaeda, Bay of Pigs, Bill Clinton, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Chicago Democrats, CIA, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Guantanamo Bay, Hillary Clinton, Iran, John Edwards, John Kerry, Nancy Pelosi, Osama Bin Laden, rendition, Roger Pugh, Ronald Reagan, Taliban, Wolfowitz
Posted in Bush and Barney | 4 Comments »
Story No. 30
There was no holding George after he won a second term. He was like a dog with three or four tails. I was frightened he might do something stupid like another ‘Mission Accomplished’ thing on an aircraft carrier.
Frankly I don’t think he had much to beat. Kerry and Edwards would struggle to get elected as candidates for the communist party in China. Karl Rove did a pretty good job on George’s campaign but if I’d been in charge he’d have won by a mile.
‘George’ I said ‘this is a big opportunity for you to go down in the annals of history as a bold visionary President’
‘What do you mean?’ asked George
‘Well’ I said ‘you’ve got the gig for another four years, you don’t have to worry about re-election so you can throw a few Hail Mary passes and swing at a few first pitches’
‘What sort of things did you have in mind?’ asked George
‘For a start’ I said ‘you could open a university specialising in politics and only allow graduates to contest elections’
‘Why?’ asked George ‘I didn’t need a degree in politics. I learned everything from my dad’
‘That’s my point’ I said ‘he told you to go all the way to Baghdad and look where it got you. And we’d have been spared Dick Cheney as vice-president because the only thing he could ever graduate in is grievous bodily harm’
‘Anything else Barney’ asked George sarcastically
‘Yes’ I said ‘you’ve got to do something about Hispanic illegal immigrants’
‘Why?’ asked George ‘are they trafficking drugs?’
‘The problem as I’ve told you before’ I said ‘is they’re becoming citizens and voting Democrat’
‘That’s serious’ said George ‘what on earth can we do?’
‘Easy ‘I said ‘offer free flights from Mexico and instant citizenship to illegal immigrants prepared to join the Republican Party and any illegal immigrants already here who don’t carry a Republican Party membership card should immediately be sent home’
‘Isn’t that profiling or racist or something?’ asked George
‘No’ I said ‘it’s a new type of Mexican Wave called Good-bye’
‘Brilliant’ said George now much more enthusiastic’ anything else?’
‘Yes’ I said ‘you’ve got to reform Wall St.’
‘Why’ asked George ‘are they sitting on the fence or are the bulls becoming too bearish?’
‘They’re charging like wounded bulls’ I said ‘but in 2000 you proved you can put the knife in without being Gored’
‘Ole’ said George
‘And one more thing’ I said ‘You’ve got to do something about this country’s image abroad. They all think we’re a pack of arrogant, warmongering, overbearing bullies’
‘I’ll soon fix that ‘said George ‘I’ll do a ‘Mission Accomplished’ world tour’
‘No George’ I said ‘that’s the point. You should do a ‘Mission Not Accomplished’ world tour’
‘How about if I went over to Tehran’ said George ‘and as a goodwill gesture helped open a McDonalds franchise’
‘George’ I said ‘I think you’d get fried with that’
Tags: Baghdad, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, China, Dick Cheney, George Bush, George W Bush, Hispanic illegal immigrants, illegal immigrants, John Edwards, John Kerry, Karl Rove, Mexican Wave, Republican Party, Roger Pugh, trafficking drugs, Wall St
Posted in Bush and Barney | No Comments »
Story No. 29
‘Congratulations George’ I said ‘on your re-election. I cant’ believe so many people voted for Kerry. And as for John Edwards he couldn’t get a gig as a gigolo in a sex addiction clinic for women’
‘Thanks Barney’ said George ‘and I’m particularly grateful for your brilliant contributions to my campaign’
‘You bet’ I said ‘does this mean I’m retained as a senior advisor for the next four years?’
‘Definitely’ said George
‘I’m honoured’ I said ‘but there’s one or two points I’d like to discuss. It has come to my attention that Karl Rove your other senior advisor makes far more than I do’
‘That’s right’ said George ‘but there’s no such concept as equal pay for dogs. Karl is highly paid but I guarantee that no dog in the US is better off than you’
‘Well’ I said ‘here’s my ambit claim. Fillet steak at least once a week, weekly full body grooming at the Pet Pampering Palace, a new fifty-two inch TV set to fit in my kennel, a new computer with six gigabarks and regular bonking with the hotties I find on the on-line Doggy Dating Service’
‘Good heavens Barney’ said George ‘Ok but I’m not sure how I’m going to arrange White House passes for your doggy dates. If I can arrange for you to slip out through the back gate that should ensure you get it away’
‘Agreed’ I said ‘I’ll have the contract ready for you to sign tomorrow. Now in regard to setting policies for the next four years you’ve got to do something about the economy’
‘Why?’ asked George ‘its booming’
‘Listen carefully’ I said ‘Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae are handing out far too many mortgages to people who haven’t got a republican’s chance in San Francisco of paying them back’
‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘Alan Greenspan’s telling me there are no problems. Don’t tell me you know better than him’
‘George’ I said ‘Alan doesn’t have my nose for things. I’m sensing a stink around Freddie and Fannie that I haven’t smelled since Kenneth Lay came to the White House just before Enron went down the toilet in 2001. I couldn’t tell you because we weren’t on speaking terms back then’
‘Look Barney’ said George ‘I don’t know what I can do. I can hardly get you and Alan together for a chat’
‘Mark my words’ I said ‘if you go on like this there’s a crash coming sometime in the next four years and it will stuff your approval rating and stuff any chance of a Republican running the 2009 election’
‘Where on earth do you get all this stuff from?’ asked George
‘I just dog on to the internet’ I said ‘and chat to underground terrier groups all over the world. And by the way George talking of terriers its high time you sorted out that mob in Iraq. I agree with Dick Cheney for a change. It’s time for a surge’
‘Goodness Barney’ said George ‘if you’ve started to agree with Dick perhaps I should get you two together’
‘Thank you George’ I said ‘but I’ve only just got rid of the fleas and the last thing I need is a dose of the worms’
Tags: Alan Greenspan, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Dick Cheney, Enron, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, George Bush, George W Bush, Iraq, John Edwards, John Kerry, Karl Rove, Kenneth Lay, Republicans, sex addiction clinic, White House
Posted in Bush and Barney | No Comments »
Story No: 27
‘Do you know Barney’ said George ‘there are people around who think I’m not going to win this election’
‘Thank heavens’ I thought to myself ‘he’s finally got the message’
George had been living in the White House cocoon for months signing papers and chatting to other heads of state and blissfully unaware that a large body of opinion in the country perceived another four years with him as President would be like playing a whole season for Detroit Lions.
‘The Democrats are calling me all sorts of names’ he went on ‘like dumbass, dimwit and dickless’
‘I wouldn’t worry about it George’ I said ‘I’ve heard them say far worse than that. After all everyone makes mistakes like you referring to the leader of Al Qaeda as Osama Bin Garden’
‘I did it on purpose’ said George ‘because he’s a big piece of dirt’
‘And what about when you asked the Pope if he’s a Catholic?’ I said
‘Well’ said George ‘Dick Cheney asked me that question when I asked him if he was interested in Iraqi oil and I didn’t know the answer’
‘What did the Pope say?’ I asked
‘Oh he just asked me if I was a republican’ said George ‘I said yes but confessed I’d forgotten to pay my annual party membership fee and I had to say two Hail Marys’
‘Look George’ I said ‘the problem is that John Kerry claims you don’t know what you’re doing in Iraq and Afghanistan’
‘That’s not true’ said George ‘Don Rumsfeld briefed me yesterday’
‘It’s just that things seem to be drifting a bit in Afghanistan’ I said
‘I’m waiting for Pakistan to step up to the plate’ said George
‘Sorry George’ I said ‘they play cricket in Pakistan so they don’t step up to the plate they go in to bat’
‘Ok’ said George ‘and I’m waiting for Spain to go in to bat in Iraq’
‘No George’ I said ‘they do bull fighting in Spain so they grab the bull by the horns’
‘Look’ said George ‘do you mind if we stick with stepping up to the plate. All this foreign stuff confuses me. It’s like travelling with the Redskins to away matches’
‘George’ I said ‘the key to winning this election is presenting you as the terrorist terminator and John Kerry as a wimp who showboats rather than swiftboats’
‘How does Dick Cheney stack up against John Edwards?’ asked George
‘What a question’ I thought ‘it was like comparing Planet of the Apes with Sex Lies and Videotape’
‘I think he stacks up ok’ I said ‘Dick takes a bit off the top while John likes a bit on the side’
‘Look’ said George ‘I know I’m not perfect but at least I don’t crap on the White House lawn like you’
‘George’ I said ‘I only do it because you’re not allowed to and only because the lawn needs fertilising or Dick Cheney walks past’
‘All of us who make it to the top in politics have crosses to bear’ said George ‘for example Hillary’s got a Bill she can’t settle and she’s had to pay it over and over again’
‘Blimey’ I thought ‘George has suddenly become both a wit and a philosopher. He might win this election after all’
Tags: Al Qaeda, Bill Clinton, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Democrats, Detroit Lions, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Hillary Clinton, Iraqi oil, John Edwards, Osama Bin Laden, Pakistan, President of USA, The Pope, US President, White House
Posted in Bush and Barney | No Comments »
Story No. 26
‘As you know Barney’ said George ‘I’ve been unanimously adopted as the Republican candidate for a second term as president. I need your help with my acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention’
I had to admit that Karl Rove was a dab hand at pulling election campaigns together, but George obviously wanted me to add a touch of finesse.
‘That’s easy George’ I said ‘all you need do is promise to keep the country safe from terrorists, keep dollars in everyone’s pocket and be kind to animals’
It wasn’t something I could get too excited about. There was zero chance the Convention would reject George as their candidate and the delegates would applaud and scream ecstatically even if he told them all to go and get nicked.
‘You know Barney’ said George ‘I feel the need to reach out to every American citizen, to outline my vision of a truly great nation of which they can all feel proud’
‘Sorry George’ I said ‘that’s lead balloon stuff. We’re already a truly great nation but citizens like me can hardly be proud at the prospect of Dick Cheney as vice-president for another four years’
‘But the country is expecting great things of me’ said George
‘Look George’ I said ‘I’ve told you before that you don’t promise great things because people will only get disappointed. You’ve got to understand that politicians don’t do great things; they rather recognise great things when they see them and claim all the credit’
‘What about healthcare’ asked George hopefully ‘Karl thinks that might be an area to concentrate on’
‘Well I suppose you could say something about reforming health insurance’ I said ‘your mates in the industry are getting away with murder. You can bet John Kerry will be promising healthcare reforms he hasn’t got a hope in Harlem of delivering. How about promising to force health insurance companies to insure people who are sick?’
‘Are you kidding?’ said George ‘that would be like forcing people to buy clapped out old cars’
‘Ok’ I said ‘how about closing the border with Mexico?’
‘No way’ said George ‘that would stop all that cheap labour coming here’
‘Yes’ I said ‘but what you’re getting as well is cheap drugs and drug-pushers. The border will soon become known as Cocaine Crossing’
‘I should say something about foreign policy’ said George ‘perhaps I should get closer to Tony Blair’
‘You have to be joking’ I said ‘even the UK Labor Party is trying to distance themselves from him. Your foreign policy priority is to destroy terrorism wherever it raises its ghastly head whether its in Iraq, Afghanistan or the John Kerry for President Committee.
‘Right on Barney’ said George ‘now we’re getting somewhere. Anything else I should mention?’
‘Yes’ I said ‘just remind the convention that Kerry’s married to the Heinz baked beans heiress. That’s why he’s so full of wind’.
Tags: Afghanistan, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Cocaine, Cocaine Crossing, Dick Cheney, full of wind, George Bush, George W Bush, health insurance, healthcare, Heinz, Iraq, John Kerry, Mexico, President, President of USA, Republican, Terrorism, Tony Blair, UK Labor Party, Wind power
Posted in Bush and Barney | 1 Comment »
Story No. 25
‘Barney’ said George ‘you’ve been selected for an undercover mission of the utmost strategic priority’
‘Oh no’ I thought ‘not another’. I got away with the last one when I fooled Dick and Don over the phone. But this had the ominous feel of some really heavy stuff.
‘I wouldn’t ask you’ said George ‘but you are the only one I know with the courage, resourcefulness and unique talent this mission demands’
Now I knew I was in the deep and smelly stuff
‘The fact is Barney’ said George ‘I face an election in a month or two and I’ve received reports that the Democrats are planning a dirty tricks campaign against me’
‘You don’t mean’ I said ‘they’re planning to reveal details of that meeting you had with Osama Bin Laden to plan 9/11’
‘Nothing like that’ said George ‘they’re planning to release false information casting aspersions on my military service record’
‘Good heavens’ I said ‘don’t worry about that. Everybody knows you spent the whole time pissing it up and chasing women’
‘The point is’ said George ‘’we need to get hold of the Democrats’ plan which sets out the details’
‘Ok’ I said ‘so you want me to phone John Kerry’s office pretending to be Dan Rather and ask them to send me a copy’
‘What I want you to do’ said George ‘is break into John Kerry’s home and pinch a copy of the plan which we know is on his desk’
‘Why me?’ I gasped
‘Because’ said George ‘the best way into the Kerry home is through a doggy door and I don’t know anyone else who could get through it’
‘Ok’ I said ‘if they’ve got a doggy door they’ve got a dog. What sort is it?’
‘We believe its a German Shepherd’ said George ‘nothing to worry about. We’ve checked and it will be asleep when you get there’
‘But George’ I protested ‘this is like a rerun of Watergate. If I get caught I’ll go down the toilet like the plumbers’
‘No problem’ said George ‘if you get caught you just play the dumb animal’
In the middle of the night I clambered through the doggy door at the Kerry home and was stealthily making my way across the kitchen when I heard a friendly greeting in dogspeak.
Standing before me was an absolutely gorgeous black terrier bitch
‘What do you want?’ she asked seductively
‘Well’ I said ‘I’ve just dropped in to steal a copy of the dirty tricks campaign John Kerry’s planning against George W’
‘No problem’ she said ‘I’ll fetch you a copy but first I have a great plan for you in my kennel’
It was the best laid plan I’ve ever come across
When I got back to the White House George was absolutely gobsmacked by the success of my mission
‘Great job’ he said ‘how on earth did you do it?’
‘Well George’ I said ‘sometimes when you lie down with dogs you get a lot more than just fleas’
Tags: Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Democrats, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, Don Rumsfield, George Bush, George W Bush, John Kerry, Osama Bin Laden, Terrorism, terrorist attacks, Watergate
Posted in Bush and Barney | No Comments »
Story No: 23
‘Look Barney’ said George ‘I need your help’
I sniffed trouble. It was something in George’s tone.
‘Dick and Don’ he said ‘are pressuring me to invade the tribal areas in Pakistan to touch up the Taliban and find OBL. But my plan is to use drones to pinpoint key Taliban targets and bribe the Pakistanis to do the deep down and dirty stuff on the ground’
‘Brilliant thinking George’ I said. Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were obviously up to their old tricks.
‘Now I’ve got a strategic planning meeting with them tomorrow afternoon at the White House’ continued George ‘and I want you to be ready to take a call from the meeting. Here’s the tricky bit. My cunning plan is for you to pretend to be a CIA agent on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border who can give an expert on-the-spot strategic military assessment to support my point of view’
‘That’s a bit of a challenge George’ I said ‘I’ll have to bone up on a few things before you call’
‘One or two other points’ said George ‘I’ll address you by your codename which is Terrier. Pretty funny huh? Oh and by the way you’ll have to address me as Mr President for a change’
The next afternoon at 3.30 the dog and bone rang in my kennel
‘This is Terrier’ I said
‘Hi Terrier’ said George ‘This is the President speaking. I’m here with the vice-President and the Secretary of Defence and you’re on the loudspeaker. What’s the current situation on the border there?’
‘Swarming with Taliban Mr President’ I responded ‘it’s just like passing out day at West Point’
‘Dick Cheney here Terrier’ said Dick ‘are the Taliban well armed?’
I had to smile. I could hardly resist the temptation to tell him he was talking to me. He would absolutely crap himself.
‘They’re armed and dangerous’ I said ‘They all look like Sylvester Stallone in
Rocky II’
‘Great film’ said George
‘Are you in disguise Terrier?’ asked Dick ‘Oh I get it. You’re disguised as a dog’. He was painful when he tried to be funny.
‘That’s right’ I said ‘it helps me keep my nose close to the ground’
‘That’s very funny Ba…Terrier’ said George
‘What’s the terrain like there?’ asked Don
‘Very steep and rocky’ I replied ‘Ok for guerrilla warfare but unsuitable for large troop movements’
I could tell he was impressed by my military analysis.
‘Are you in danger there?’ asked Dick
‘I’m used to it’ I said ‘The Taliban think I’m a Pakistani agent sent by Ahmadinejad to convince them that 9/11 never happened’
‘When is the best time to invade the tribal areas?’ asked Don
‘Well not during a test match’ I said ‘especially if its against India and Pakistan are winning. That would really piss them off. And not during the Afghan Hound Show Week. Militarily speaking I’d recommend you use drones to destroy key Taliban targets pinpointed by me and bribe the Pakistanis to do the heavy stuff on the ground’
‘Very interesting’ said Dick ‘that’s the President’s view. You haven’t been swapping notes with him have you?’
‘Never had the honour of meeting him’ I lied ‘but you know what they say about great minds’
‘Thank you Terrier’ said George ‘stay safe. You’ve been very helpful’
An hour later I met George on the White House lawn.
‘Mission accomplished Terrier’ he said.
Tags: 9/11, Afghanistan, Ahmadinejad, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, CIA, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, guerrilla warfare, Osama Bin Laden, Pakistan, Rocky II, Sylvester Stallone, Taliban, White House
Posted in Bush and Barney | No Comments »
Story No. 20
‘Look George’ I said ‘it’s time you took the 2004 presidential election seriously’
There was less than a year to go and I was worried that George was resting on his 9/11 laurels a bit too much.
‘Don’t worry Barney’ said George ‘Karl’s got everything under control’
Now I was a big fan of Karl Rove the Architect. In fact I’d been meaning to ask George if he could design a new kennel for me.
He devised devilishly cunning plots which made the Watergate break-in look like Breakfast at Tiffany’s. He was so good at elections he could get Madonna voted into the Order of Vestal Virgins.
‘Ok George’ I said ‘I just wanted to be reassured that things are on track. Kerry and Edwards might give us a pretty tough contest’
‘Do you really think so’ said George ‘I thought they were a pretty pinhead pick even for the Democrats’
Well’ I said ‘Kerry’s a decorated Vietnam war hero while you got a cushy job in the Air National Guard through the back door’
‘Wait a minute’ said George ‘Dad could see I was a future national treasure too valuable to be shot at. You don’t think it will be a problem do you?’
‘You’re in luck’ I said ‘I talk regularly on the dog-and-bone to this friend whose owner was on the swift boats with Kerry in Vietnam. Tell Karl we should be able to organise something. Kerry’s married to that Heinz heiress. All those baked beans have made him stodgy’
‘That Edwards could be a worry’ said George ‘for a democrat he seems quite a reasonable sort of guy’
‘It would help’ I said ‘if you had a decent running mate like McCain instead of Dick’
‘Look Barney’ said George sternly ‘we’ve had this conversation before. Don Rumsfeld got it right when he said our election chances could be maximised exponentially through judicious use of our Dick. Edwards can’t do any damage can he?’
‘There’s a bit of goss around town’ I said ‘indicating that he’s carrying out extended testing of his social inclusion programme with female members of his campaign staff’
‘You don’t mean…’ began George
‘I’m afraid so’ I said ‘what you need is a running mate like Eliot Spitzer who could out-bonk him. How are the election policies shaping up?’
‘Absolutely brilliantly’ said George ‘my Clear Skies Act will shake the environmental movement to its core’
‘You mean you’re actually getting rid of carbon pollution?’ I asked
‘No’ he said ‘I’m getting rid of pollution controls. And I’m bringing democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan’
‘Have the Iraqis and the Afghans had a democratic vote on that yet?’ I asked
‘Good heavens no’ said George ‘I’m introducing American democracy’
‘What about a campaign slogan?’ I asked
‘I am planning to use ‘Yes America Can’ said George
‘Tell Karl it needs to be more inclusive and personal’ I said’ ‘Yes we can’ would be much better. That slogan’s so good that if you don’t use it someone else will’
Tags: 9/11, Afghanistan, Breakfast at Tiffanys, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, carbon pollution, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, Eliot Spitzer, George Bush, George W Bush, Heinz, Iraq, Karl Rove, Madonna, McCain, Vietnam war
Posted in Bush and Barney | No Comments »
Story No. 19
George was extraordinarily fortunate to have me as his senior adviser. Dogs can sniff around and pick up bits of stuff that other advisers miss completely. And I had a real nose for people.
‘George’ I said one day in the middle of an intense discussion about health policy ‘its time for a performance review of the key members of your cabinet and top advisers. You’ve got an election coming up and it’s critical you have a team in place who can hack it’
‘Good thinking Barney’ said George ‘what did you have in mind?’
‘Well let’s look at your top five people’ I said ‘first there’s me and it looks like you’ve already made the obvious decision to retain my services by renewing my dog licence last week. So let’s talk about Colin Powell’
‘Wonderful man’ said George
‘I know’ I said ‘but he’s really pissed about the way he’s been treated by Dick and Don. He’s the ex-General and they keep telling him how to run the wars. It’s like me telling Derek Jeter he doesn’t know how to hold a bat’
‘Sure there are differences of opinion’ said George ‘but isn’t that normal?’
‘Dick and Don’ I said ‘don’t have normal opinions. They are dedicated disciples of Atilla the Hun. Mark my words George, Colin’s up to here with it. And don’t forget he was the one left twisting in the wind after telling the UN there were WMDs in Iraq. You don’t have to be Oprah Winfrey to work out who fitted him up for that. He’s not a second termer George’
‘That’s a bit of a shock’ said George ‘who on earth can I replace him with?’
A bit of a confession here. I’ve always been an unabashed fan of Condi Rice. She’s black and a real terrier just like me and I’ve always regarded her as a sort of kindred spirit. If there’s one person I would love to talk to besides George it would be her. So having sussed that Colin, who is also a really great black guy by the way, was going to call it a day, I evolved a cunning strategy to slot in Condi.
‘Condi Rice is a no-brainer’ I said ‘all the other possible candidates are dogsbodies by comparison. If you don’t appoint her I’ll stand on the steps of the Capitol Building with a white eye and accuse you of mistreating blacks’
‘Alright, alright’ said George ‘anything else?’
‘Yes, I’d fire Dick and Don’ I said
‘No way’ said George ‘they’ve grown on me. I think it must be the Stockholm Syndrome’
‘I find them more like chronic fatigue syndrome’ I said ‘if Don runs the Iraq war much longer Osama bin Laden will start sending him Christmas cards. Come to think of it I’d make the ideal Secretary of Defence’
‘Sorry Barney’ said George ‘you’ll have to be content with being the underdog’
Tags: Atilla the Hun, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Colin Powell, Condi Rice, Derek Jeter, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Iraq, Oprah Winfrey, Osama Bin Laden, Stockholm Syndrome, WMD
Posted in Bush and Barney | 1 Comment »
Loading ...