‘Hello Barney’ said George ‘I’ve got an assignment for you’

I don’t know whether all dogs are as gifted as myself at sniffing trouble ahead but my internal alarm systems started to go off like a police car in hot pursuit.

‘I’m inviting you to this afternoon’s White House Garden Party’ he went on.

This sounded better. The White House Garden Party was a champagne and canapé catastrophe on the lawns for George’s fund raisers, sycophants, and poseurs in the Republican Party.

George loved this event because everyone told him he was the greatest president of all-time and he told them they were the greatest buddies a president could ever have. It was a leading contender for wank of the year.

‘Edgar Shortcrutch is coming this year’ said George ‘and he needs to be, you know, managed’

I did know. Edgar was one of Washington’s premier pains in the posterior region. He was a hot-gospeling television evangelist who gave big bucks to George’s campaigns but was always trying to lecture him on moral decay and barmy schemes like banning sex before thirty-five. This would be particularly unfair on dogs because we only live to eighteen.

‘The truth is’ said George ‘I need to avoid him this afternoon because he’s trying to get me to support his stupid Celebrate Celibate Campaign and it would be hard to say ‘no’ to his face after all the money he’s given me’

‘Why the hell did you invite him then?’ I asked

‘I wasn’t going to’ said George ‘but Dick insisted because he’s a member of Edgar’s congregation’

The thought of Dick Cheney celebrating celibacy rather appealed to me although it has come too late for all those people he’s seriously stuffed during his career.

‘Alright’ I said resignedly ‘what do you want me to do?’

‘Nothing much at all really’ said George ‘I just want you to keep an eye on Edgar at the Garden Party and keep me posted on his whereabouts so I can stay out of his way. I’m sorry I can’t ask my bodyguards to do this because they only specialise in terrorists and assassins and Edgar’s hardly in that league’

‘How do I communicate this info to you?’ I asked

‘Simple’ said George ‘I’ll get us both set up with a mini two-way voice system’

‘And don’t forget’ I said ‘to tell the lady on the hot-dog stand to toss me a chilli dog every time I go past’

A celebrity cast of thousands turned up to the Garden Party. I spotted Edgar as he arrived and tailed him around the lawns reporting frequently to George on his movements and really savouring the chilli dogs.

Then suddenly there was a glitch in the voice system and I lost contact with George. At that very moment I saw Edgar starting to make a bee-line in George’s direction.

The situation called for extreme emergency measures to protect the president. I knew my duty. I raced over and bit a huge chunk out of Edgar’s ankle. He collapsed in a screaming heap on the floor and I fled the scene in advance of calls by my enraged victim to have me put down.

‘You certainly did a job on Edgar’ said George later ‘his hospital bills will cost me a fortune’

‘I stopped him in his tracks though didn’t I? I said

‘I have to hand it to you Barney’ said George ‘mission accomplished. So I’ve brought you a dozen chilli dogs and rejected calls to have you put down. I’d no idea you could be so aggressive’

‘Well now you know George’ I said ‘my bite’s much worse than my bark’

‘Now then Barney’ said George ‘I need your advice on my Inauguration Speech. I was thinking about a triumphal address with the theme ‘bury Kerry and downwards with Edwards’

‘Come on George’ I said ‘this is no time to be vindictive. It calls for magnanimity in victory. Kerry and Edwards may be the biggest non-event since the Bay of Pigs but this is a time of healing to proclaim a presidency which will not only unite the peoples of America but of the whole world’

‘Good heavens’ said George ‘where on earth did you get that bullshit from? You must have been watching old Ronald Reagan B movies’

‘No George’ I said ‘it was part of my acceptance address when I was elected Chief Barker at the Top Dog Congress last year. Of course I was talking about dogs but I believe there’s no reason why people can’t also come together in a civilized way’

‘Don’t get me wrong here Barney’ said George ‘I’m talking about a speech which reinforces my reputation as leader of the free world’

‘Yes I know’ I said ‘but it’s a question of whether you want to come across as just having won the Denver dwarf-throwing final or the US Presidency’

‘I see what you mean’ said George ‘reconciliator rather than terminator’

‘Right on George’ I said ‘your theme should be leading the world to a new era of freedom and democracy’

‘I like it’ said George ‘no people will live under the yoke of tyranny while I’m in office’

‘Except’ I said ‘Al Qaeda, the Washington Press Gallery, the Clintons, North Korea, Iran, Al Gore, the Taliban, left wing loonies in Hollywood, Michael Moore and Don Rumsfeld’

‘Why Don Rumsfeld?’ Asked George

‘Because he’s too dangerous to allow out on his own’ I responded ‘and what’s more he’s a racist. I heard him tell someone that he didn’t like Scottish Terriers’

‘I shall reassure everyone who has lost their freedom’ said George ‘that I shall not rest until their democratic rights are restored’

‘What about the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay?’ I asked

‘Oh they’re different’ said George ‘they’re not people they’re terrorists’

‘Osama bin Laden and Nancy Pelosi don’t agree’ I said ‘and what about all those guys renditioned by the CIA to covert overseas arm-twisting centres?’

‘Well only because that sort of thing isn’t allowed in the US’ said George ‘You’re not on their side are you?’

‘No George’ I said ‘it’s just that when I see Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz together sometimes I need to remind myself that we’re on the side of the good guys’

‘Ok’ said George ‘so my Inauguration Speech will be about freedom and democracy for ninety-nine percent of people’

‘Ninety-eight point eight’ I said ‘I forgot that the Chicago Democrats are a terrorist organisation’

There was no holding George after he won a second term. He was like a dog with three or four tails. I was frightened he might do something stupid like another ‘Mission Accomplished’ thing on an aircraft carrier.

Frankly I don’t think he had much to beat. Kerry and Edwards would struggle to get elected as candidates for the communist party in China. Karl Rove did a pretty good job on George’s campaign but if I’d been in charge he’d have won by a mile.

‘George’ I said ‘this is a big opportunity for you to go down in the annals of history as a bold visionary President’

‘What do you mean?’ asked George

‘Well’ I said ‘you’ve got the gig for another four years, you don’t have to worry about re-election so you can throw a few Hail Mary passes and swing at a few first pitches’

‘What sort of things did you have in mind?’ asked George

‘For a start’ I said ‘you could open a university specialising in politics and only allow graduates to contest elections’

‘Why?’ asked George ‘I didn’t need a degree in politics. I learned everything from my dad’

‘That’s my point’ I said ‘he told you to go all the way to Baghdad and look where it got you. And we’d have been spared Dick Cheney as vice-president because the only thing he could ever graduate in is grievous bodily harm’

‘Anything else Barney’ asked George sarcastically

‘Yes’ I said ‘you’ve got to do something about Hispanic illegal immigrants’

‘Why?’ asked George ‘are they trafficking drugs?’

‘The problem as I’ve told you before’ I said ‘is they’re becoming citizens and voting Democrat’

‘That’s serious’ said George ‘what on earth can we do?’

‘Easy ‘I said ‘offer free flights from Mexico and instant citizenship to illegal immigrants prepared to join the Republican Party and any illegal immigrants already here who don’t carry a Republican Party membership card should immediately be sent home’

‘Isn’t that profiling or racist or something?’ asked George

‘No’ I said ‘it’s a new type of Mexican Wave called Good-bye’

‘Brilliant’ said George now much more enthusiastic’ anything else?’

‘Yes’ I said ‘you’ve got to reform Wall St.’

‘Why’ asked George ‘are they sitting on the fence or are the bulls becoming too bearish?’

‘They’re charging like wounded bulls’ I said ‘but in 2000 you proved you can put the knife in without being Gored’

‘Ole’ said George

‘And one more thing’ I said ‘You’ve got to do something about this country’s image abroad. They all think we’re a pack of arrogant, warmongering, overbearing bullies’

‘I’ll soon fix that ‘said George ‘I’ll do a ‘Mission Accomplished’ world tour’

‘No George’ I said ‘that’s the point. You should do a ‘Mission Not Accomplished’ world tour’

‘How about if I went over to Tehran’ said George ‘and as a goodwill gesture helped open a McDonalds franchise’

‘George’ I said ‘I think you’d get fried with that’

‘Congratulations George’ I said ‘on your re-election. I cant’ believe so many people voted for Kerry. And as for John Edwards he couldn’t get a gig as a gigolo in a sex addiction clinic for women’

‘Thanks Barney’ said George ‘and I’m particularly grateful for your brilliant contributions to my campaign’

‘You bet’ I said ‘does this mean I’m retained as a senior advisor for the next four years?’

‘Definitely’ said George

‘I’m honoured’ I said ‘but there’s one or two points I’d like to discuss. It has come to my attention that Karl Rove your other senior advisor makes far more than I do’

‘That’s right’ said George ‘but there’s no such concept as equal pay for dogs. Karl is highly paid but I guarantee that no dog in the US is better off than you’

‘Well’ I said ‘here’s my ambit claim. Fillet steak at least once a week, weekly full body grooming at the Pet Pampering Palace, a new fifty-two inch TV set to fit in my kennel, a new computer with six gigabarks and regular bonking with the hotties I find on the on-line Doggy Dating Service’

‘Good heavens Barney’ said George ‘Ok but I’m not sure how I’m going to arrange White House passes for your doggy dates. If I can arrange for you to slip out through the back gate that should ensure you get it away’

‘Agreed’ I said ‘I’ll have the contract ready for you to sign tomorrow. Now in regard to setting policies for the next four years you’ve got to do something about the economy’

‘Why?’ asked George ‘its booming’

‘Listen carefully’ I said ‘Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae are handing out far too many mortgages to people who haven’t got a republican’s chance in San Francisco of paying them back’

‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘Alan Greenspan’s telling me there are no problems. Don’t tell me you know better than him’

‘George’ I said ‘Alan doesn’t have my nose for things. I’m sensing a stink around Freddie and Fannie that I haven’t smelled since Kenneth Lay came to the White House just before Enron went down the toilet in 2001. I couldn’t tell you because we weren’t on speaking terms back then’

‘Look Barney’ said George ‘I don’t know what I can do. I can hardly get you and Alan together for a chat’

‘Mark my words’ I said ‘if you go on like this there’s a crash coming sometime in the next four years and it will stuff your approval rating and stuff any chance of a Republican running the 2009 election’

‘Where on earth do you get all this stuff from?’ asked George

‘I just dog on to the internet’ I said ‘and chat to underground terrier groups all over the world. And by the way George talking of terriers its high time you sorted out that mob in Iraq. I agree with Dick Cheney for a change. It’s time for a surge’

‘Goodness Barney’ said George ‘if you’ve started to agree with Dick perhaps I should get you two together’

‘Thank you George’ I said ‘but I’ve only just got rid of the fleas and the last thing I need is a dose of the worms’

‘Do you know Barney’ said George ‘there are people around who think I’m not going to win this election’

‘Thank heavens’ I thought to myself ‘he’s finally got the message’

George had been living in the White House cocoon for months signing papers and chatting to other heads of state and blissfully unaware that a large body of opinion in the country perceived another four years with him as President would be like playing a whole season for Detroit Lions.

‘The Democrats are calling me all sorts of names’ he went on ‘like dumbass, dimwit and dickless’

‘I wouldn’t worry about it George’ I said ‘I’ve heard them say far worse than that. After all everyone makes mistakes like you referring to the leader of Al Qaeda as Osama Bin Garden’

‘I did it on purpose’ said George ‘because he’s a big piece of dirt’

‘And what about when you asked the Pope if he’s a Catholic?’ I said

‘Well’ said George ‘Dick Cheney asked me that question when I asked him if he was interested in Iraqi oil and I didn’t know the answer’

‘What did the Pope say?’ I asked

‘Oh he just asked me if I was a republican’ said George ‘I said yes but confessed I’d forgotten to pay my annual party membership fee and I had to say two Hail Marys’

‘Look George’ I said ‘the problem is that John Kerry claims you don’t know what you’re doing in Iraq and Afghanistan’

‘That’s not true’ said George ‘Don Rumsfeld briefed me yesterday’

‘It’s just that things seem to be drifting a bit in Afghanistan’ I said

‘I’m waiting for Pakistan to step up to the plate’ said George

‘Sorry George’ I said ‘they play cricket in Pakistan so they don’t step up to the plate they go in to bat’

‘Ok’ said George ‘and I’m waiting for Spain to go in to bat in Iraq’

‘No George’ I said ‘they do bull fighting in Spain so they grab the bull by the horns’

‘Look’ said George ‘do you mind if we stick with stepping up to the plate. All this foreign stuff confuses me. It’s like travelling with the Redskins to away matches’

‘George’ I said ‘the key to winning this election is presenting you as the terrorist terminator and John Kerry as a wimp who showboats rather than swiftboats’

‘How does Dick Cheney stack up against John Edwards?’ asked George

‘What a question’ I thought ‘it was like comparing Planet of the Apes with Sex Lies and Videotape’

‘I think he stacks up ok’ I said ‘Dick takes a bit off the top while John likes a bit on the side’

‘Look’ said George ‘I know I’m not perfect but at least I don’t crap on the White House lawn like you’

‘George’ I said ‘I only do it because you’re not allowed to and only because the lawn needs fertilising or Dick Cheney walks past’

‘All of us who make it to the top in politics have crosses to bear’ said George ‘for example Hillary’s got a Bill she can’t settle and she’s had to pay it over and over again’

‘Blimey’ I thought ‘George has suddenly become both a wit and a philosopher. He might win this election after all’

‘As you know Barney’ said George ‘I’ve been unanimously adopted as the Republican candidate for a second term as president. I need your help with my acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention’

I had to admit that Karl Rove was a dab hand at pulling election campaigns together, but George obviously wanted me to add a touch of finesse.

‘That’s easy George’ I said ‘all you need do is promise to keep the country safe from terrorists, keep dollars in everyone’s pocket and be kind to animals’

It wasn’t something I could get too excited about. There was zero chance the Convention would reject George as their candidate and the delegates would applaud and scream ecstatically even if he told them all to go and get nicked.

‘You know Barney’ said George ‘I feel the need to reach out to every American citizen, to outline my vision of a truly great nation of which they can all feel proud’

‘Sorry George’ I said ‘that’s lead balloon stuff. We’re already a truly great nation but citizens like me can hardly be proud at the prospect of Dick Cheney as vice-president for another four years’

‘But the country is expecting great things of me’ said George

‘Look George’ I said ‘I’ve told you before that you don’t promise great things because people will only get disappointed. You’ve got to understand that politicians don’t do great things; they rather recognise great things when they see them and claim all the credit’

‘What about healthcare’ asked George hopefully ‘Karl thinks that might be an area to concentrate on’

‘Well I suppose you could say something about reforming health insurance’ I said ‘your mates in the industry are getting away with murder. You can bet John Kerry will be promising healthcare reforms he hasn’t got a hope in Harlem of delivering. How about promising to force health insurance companies to insure people who are sick?’

‘Are you kidding?’ said George ‘that would be like forcing people to buy clapped out old cars’

‘Ok’ I said ‘how about closing the border with Mexico?’

‘No way’ said George ‘that would stop all that cheap labour coming here’

‘Yes’ I said ‘but what you’re getting as well is cheap drugs and drug-pushers. The border will soon become known as Cocaine Crossing’

‘I should say something about foreign policy’ said George ‘perhaps I should get closer to Tony Blair’

‘You have to be joking’ I said ‘even the UK Labor Party is trying to distance themselves from him. Your foreign policy priority is to destroy terrorism wherever it raises its ghastly head whether its in Iraq, Afghanistan or the John Kerry for President Committee.

‘Right on Barney’ said George ‘now we’re getting somewhere. Anything else I should mention?’

‘Yes’ I said ‘just remind the convention that Kerry’s married to the Heinz baked beans heiress. That’s why he’s so full of wind’.

‘Barney’ said George ‘you’ve been selected for an undercover mission of the utmost strategic priority’

‘Oh no’ I thought ‘not another’. I got away with the last one when I fooled Dick and Don over the phone. But this had the ominous feel of some really heavy stuff.

‘I wouldn’t ask you’ said George ‘but you are the only one I know with the courage, resourcefulness and unique talent this mission demands’

Now I knew I was in the deep and smelly stuff

‘The fact is Barney’ said George ‘I face an election in a month or two and I’ve received reports that the Democrats are planning a dirty tricks campaign against me’

‘You don’t mean’ I said ‘they’re planning to reveal details of that meeting you had with Osama Bin Laden to plan 9/11’

‘Nothing like that’ said George ‘they’re planning to release false information casting aspersions on my military service record’

‘Good heavens’ I said ‘don’t worry about that. Everybody knows you spent the whole time pissing it up and chasing women’

‘The point is’ said George ‘’we need to get hold of the Democrats’ plan which sets out the details’

‘Ok’ I said ‘so you want me to phone John Kerry’s office pretending to be Dan Rather and ask them to send me a copy’

‘What I want you to do’ said George ‘is break into John Kerry’s home and pinch a copy of the plan which we know is on his desk’

‘Why me?’ I gasped

‘Because’ said George ‘the best way into the Kerry home is through a doggy door and I don’t know anyone else who could get through it’

‘Ok’ I said ‘if they’ve got a doggy door they’ve got a dog. What sort is it?’

‘We believe its a German Shepherd’ said George ‘nothing to worry about. We’ve checked and it will be asleep when you get there’

‘But George’ I protested ‘this is like a rerun of Watergate. If I get caught I’ll go down the toilet like the plumbers’

‘No problem’ said George ‘if you get caught you just play the dumb animal’

In the middle of the night I clambered through the doggy door at the Kerry home and was stealthily making my way across the kitchen when I heard a friendly greeting in dogspeak.

Standing before me was an absolutely gorgeous black terrier bitch

‘What do you want?’ she asked seductively

‘Well’ I said ‘I’ve just dropped in to steal a copy of the dirty tricks campaign John Kerry’s planning against George W’

‘No problem’ she said ‘I’ll fetch you a copy but first I have a great plan for you in my kennel’

It was the best laid plan I’ve ever come across

When I got back to the White House George was absolutely gobsmacked by the success of my mission

‘Great job’ he said ‘how on earth did you do it?’

‘Well George’ I said ‘sometimes when you lie down with dogs you get a lot more than just fleas’

‘Look Barney’ said George ‘I need your help’

I sniffed trouble. It was something in George’s tone.

‘Dick and Don’ he said ‘are pressuring me to invade the tribal areas in Pakistan to touch up the Taliban and find OBL. But my plan is to use drones to pinpoint key Taliban targets and bribe the Pakistanis to do the deep down and dirty stuff on the ground’

‘Brilliant thinking George’ I said. Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were obviously up to their old tricks.

‘Now I’ve got a strategic planning meeting with them tomorrow afternoon at the White House’ continued George ‘and I want you to be ready to take a call from the meeting. Here’s the tricky bit. My cunning plan is for you to pretend to be a CIA agent on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border who can give an expert on-the-spot strategic military assessment to support my point of view’

‘That’s a bit of a challenge George’ I said ‘I’ll have to bone up on a few things before you call’

‘One or two other points’ said George ‘I’ll address you by your codename which is Terrier. Pretty funny huh? Oh and by the way you’ll have to address me as Mr President for a change’

The next afternoon at 3.30 the dog and bone rang in my kennel

‘This is Terrier’ I said

‘Hi Terrier’ said George ‘This is the President speaking. I’m here with the vice-President and the Secretary of Defence and you’re on the loudspeaker. What’s the current situation on the border there?’

‘Swarming with Taliban Mr President’ I responded ‘it’s just like passing out day at West Point’

‘Dick Cheney here Terrier’ said Dick ‘are the Taliban well armed?’

I had to smile. I could hardly resist the temptation to tell him he was talking to me. He would absolutely crap himself.

‘They’re armed and dangerous’ I said ‘They all look like Sylvester Stallone in
Rocky II’

‘Great film’ said George

‘Are you in disguise Terrier?’ asked Dick ‘Oh I get it. You’re disguised as a dog’. He was painful when he tried to be funny.

‘That’s right’ I said ‘it helps me keep my nose close to the ground’

‘That’s very funny Ba…Terrier’ said George

‘What’s the terrain like there?’ asked Don

‘Very steep and rocky’ I replied ‘Ok for guerrilla warfare but unsuitable for large troop movements’

I could tell he was impressed by my military analysis.

‘Are you in danger there?’ asked Dick

‘I’m used to it’ I said ‘The Taliban think I’m a Pakistani agent sent by Ahmadinejad to convince them that 9/11 never happened’

‘When is the best time to invade the tribal areas?’ asked Don

‘Well not during a test match’ I said ‘especially if its against India and Pakistan are winning. That would really piss them off. And not during the Afghan Hound Show Week. Militarily speaking I’d recommend you use drones to destroy key Taliban targets pinpointed by me and bribe the Pakistanis to do the heavy stuff on the ground’

‘Very interesting’ said Dick ‘that’s the President’s view. You haven’t been swapping notes with him have you?’

‘Never had the honour of meeting him’ I lied ‘but you know what they say about great minds’

‘Thank you Terrier’ said George ‘stay safe. You’ve been very helpful’

An hour later I met George on the White House lawn.

‘Mission accomplished Terrier’ he said.

‘Look George’ I said ‘it’s time you took the 2004 presidential election seriously’

There was less than a year to go and I was worried that George was resting on his 9/11 laurels a bit too much.

‘Don’t worry Barney’ said George ‘Karl’s got everything under control’

Now I was a big fan of Karl Rove the Architect. In fact I’d been meaning to ask George if he could design a new kennel for me.

He devised devilishly cunning plots which made the Watergate break-in look like Breakfast at Tiffany’s. He was so good at elections he could get Madonna voted into the Order of Vestal Virgins.

‘Ok George’ I said ‘I just wanted to be reassured that things are on track. Kerry and Edwards might give us a pretty tough contest’

‘Do you really think so’ said George ‘I thought they were a pretty pinhead pick even for the Democrats’

Well’ I said ‘Kerry’s a decorated Vietnam war hero while you got a cushy job in the Air National Guard through the back door’

‘Wait a minute’ said George ‘Dad could see I was a future national treasure too valuable to be shot at. You don’t think it will be a problem do you?’

‘You’re in luck’ I said ‘I talk regularly on the dog-and-bone to this friend whose owner was on the swift boats with Kerry in Vietnam. Tell Karl we should be able to organise something. Kerry’s married to that Heinz heiress. All those baked beans have made him stodgy’

‘That Edwards could be a worry’ said George ‘for a democrat he seems quite a reasonable sort of guy’

‘It would help’ I said ‘if you had a decent running mate like McCain instead of Dick’

‘Look Barney’ said George sternly ‘we’ve had this conversation before. Don Rumsfeld got it right when he said our election chances could be maximised exponentially through judicious use of our Dick. Edwards can’t do any damage can he?’

‘There’s a bit of goss around town’ I said ‘indicating that he’s carrying out extended testing of his social inclusion programme with female members of his campaign staff’

‘You don’t mean…’ began George

‘I’m afraid so’ I said ‘what you need is a running mate like Eliot Spitzer who could out-bonk him. How are the election policies shaping up?’

‘Absolutely brilliantly’ said George ‘my Clear Skies Act will shake the environmental movement to its core’

‘You mean you’re actually getting rid of carbon pollution?’ I asked

‘No’ he said ‘I’m getting rid of pollution controls. And I’m bringing democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan’

‘Have the Iraqis and the Afghans had a democratic vote on that yet?’ I asked

‘Good heavens no’ said George ‘I’m introducing American democracy’

‘What about a campaign slogan?’ I asked

‘I am planning to use ‘Yes America Can’ said George

‘Tell Karl it needs to be more inclusive and personal’ I said’ ‘Yes we can’ would be much better. That slogan’s so good that if you don’t use it someone else will’

George was extraordinarily fortunate to have me as his senior adviser. Dogs can sniff around and pick up bits of stuff that other advisers miss completely. And I had a real nose for people.

‘George’ I said one day in the middle of an intense discussion about health policy ‘its time for a performance review of the key members of your cabinet and top advisers. You’ve got an election coming up and it’s critical you have a team in place who can hack it’

‘Good thinking Barney’ said George ‘what did you have in mind?’

‘Well let’s look at your top five people’ I said ‘first there’s me and it looks like you’ve already made the obvious decision to retain my services by renewing my dog licence last week. So let’s talk about Colin Powell’

‘Wonderful man’ said George

‘I know’ I said ‘but he’s really pissed about the way he’s been treated by Dick and Don. He’s the ex-General and they keep telling him how to run the wars. It’s like me telling Derek Jeter he doesn’t know how to hold a bat’

‘Sure there are differences of opinion’ said George ‘but isn’t that normal?’

‘Dick and Don’ I said ‘don’t have normal opinions. They are dedicated disciples of Atilla the Hun. Mark my words George, Colin’s up to here with it. And don’t forget he was the one left twisting in the wind after telling the UN there were WMDs in Iraq. You don’t have to be Oprah Winfrey to work out who fitted him up for that. He’s not a second termer George’

‘That’s a bit of a shock’ said George ‘who on earth can I replace him with?’

A bit of a confession here. I’ve always been an unabashed fan of Condi Rice. She’s black and a real terrier just like me and I’ve always regarded her as a sort of kindred spirit. If there’s one person I would love to talk to besides George it would be her. So having sussed that Colin, who is also a really great black guy by the way, was going to call it a day, I evolved a cunning strategy to slot in Condi.

‘Condi Rice is a no-brainer’ I said ‘all the other possible candidates are dogsbodies by comparison. If you don’t appoint her I’ll stand on the steps of the Capitol Building with a white eye and accuse you of mistreating blacks’

‘Alright, alright’ said George ‘anything else?’

‘Yes, I’d fire Dick and Don’ I said

‘No way’ said George ‘they’ve grown on me. I think it must be the Stockholm Syndrome’

‘I find them more like chronic fatigue syndrome’ I said ‘if Don runs the Iraq war much longer Osama bin Laden will start sending him Christmas cards. Come to think of it I’d make the ideal Secretary of Defence’

‘Sorry Barney’ said George ‘you’ll have to be content with being the underdog’

‘Now look, about this Iraq business’ said Tony Blair

He had dropped into George’s ranch at Crawford, Texas for a confidential word  about stuffing Saddam and George and I were accompanying him on a post lunch constitutional round a paddock.

It was a pleasant stroll although we were surrounded by enough security heavies to prevent Boris Yeltsin getting into a vodka festival.  George wanted me around to advise him on the really complex strategic issues and I looked forward to the visit because I knew he kept a couple of bitches down there with the qualities to bring joy even to a dog’s life.

‘Colin Powell is convinced that Saddam has WMDs’ said George ‘and that only confirms what Dick and Don have been saying for sometime’

I’d been telling George for just as long that Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were far more dangerous WMDs than anything Saddam could possibly have.

‘What if we don’t find any WMDs?’ asked Tony

‘No chance’ said George ‘but don’t forget that Saddam told the UN to go and get whooped and he’s acting like a cross between Hitler, Frankenstein and Hillary Clinton’

‘We’ve got to tread carefully’ said Tony ‘Find the WMDs then change the regime by getting rid of Saddam, his army and his police force.  We don’t want to be landed with that whole Sunni Shia can of worms’

I quickly ran behind a hedge and shouted ‘What about Al Qaeda?’ I was under strict instructions from George not to open my mouth but my self-control failed me.

‘What on earth was that?’ asked Tony

‘It was one of the security guys’ said George ‘By the way one of my senior advisers reckons we should leave the army and the police force intact.  He believes if we disband them they’ll all join Al Qaeda and the country will descend into chaos’

I was flattered that George had remembered my advice so accurately.

‘Well he’s got that wrong’ said Tony ‘once we’ve sorted out Saddam and his crew the whole country will come to its senses.  That adviser of yours sounds like a real dog’

I’d never liked Tony Blair but now he hit rock bottom on the shitlist.  If I told George once I told him a hundred times never to go to war alongside a socialist.

‘You might just as well get some advice from Barney’ added Tony pissing himself with laughter

Fortunately my self-control reasserted itself and I was able to refrain from urinating down his trousers.

‘Tony do your people believe this war is legal?’ asked George

‘Half do, half don’t’ said Tony ‘you know what lawyers are like.  They tell you what they think will make them the most money’

‘Ok’ said George ‘I’ll send Saddam a note giving him the option of resigning and spending the next ten years in Antarctica growing glaciers with Al Gore or facing high noon at the OK Corral’

‘Right on George’ said Tony ‘we’ll bring peace and democracy to the people of Iraq and an era of hope and prosperity to the whole world’

‘What a load of absolute crap’ I shouted from behind the hedge.

One day as I lay in my kennel enjoying a dog’s life my phone rang.

George arranged for it to be secretly installed. He made up some story about needing a place to take emergency calls when he was out on the White House lawn.

The real reason was that when he’s at heavy meetings which don’t admit dogs he sometimes needs a direct line to get my unique perspective on matters of highest national priority.

‘Hello George’ I said. I knew it was him because he was the only one who had my number since he’d refused to pass it on to that bitch at the Clintons.

‘Hi Barney’ said George ‘I hope this is a convenient time to call but I really need your advice on matters I’m discussing here with the Joint Chiefs of Staff’

George had my sympathy. Talking to those generals was like trying to hold a conversation with the Washington Monument.

‘They believe we should try a new strategy in Iraq’ continued George ‘stop fighting a conventional war and switch to terrorist operations. It’s interesting but I’m not sure about it. What do you think?’

‘It’s a really dumb idea George’ I said ‘as far as I know the US Army doesn’t have any terrorism experience. What are the chiefs planning to do, send them to an Al Qaeda training camp in Pakistan for a crash course? And why not offer Osama Bin Laden big bucks to act as a consultant?’

‘Wait a bit Barney’ said George ‘the idea may not be as dumb as it seems. They’ve already got a great strategy to develop suicide bombers’

‘I’m all in favour of that’ I said ‘provided that Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld are on the first plane to crash into the Al Qaeda HQ. By the way George I hope for both our sakes this is a secure line’

‘General Cassidy tells me he’s developed a whole new manual on terrorist techniques for the US Army’ said George

‘George you know as well as I do’ I said ‘that Clint Cassidy is barking mad and should be in this kennel instead of me. Al Qaeda wrote the book on terrorist tactics and their Little Leaguers could terrorise Clint’

‘OK Barney’ said George ‘what do you advise?’

‘It’s simple George’ I said ‘you need a surge. All you have to do is send over 40,000 more troops to Iraq and it would be all over red rover’

‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘if I did that Hillary, John Kerry and the whole Kennedy family would go ballistic’

‘Well not everyone in the Kennedy family’ I said ‘The Terminator would be sensational in Iraq’

‘OK’ said George resignedly ‘what do I tell these guys?’

‘First’ I said ‘tell Clint to get back in his kennel and stop trying to be West Point’s answer to Bin Laden. And tell them all that you feel a surge coming on and it’s got nothing to do with that sexy Angelina Jolie movie you saw last night’

‘Barney, why do you think so many people don’t like me’ asked George

I instantly recognised that a complete response to that question would take at least a couple of hours. So I decided to be kind and considerate because after all I like George and more to the point he pays my licence fee.

‘Well George, let’s put it this way’ I said ‘half the people in the world don’t like you because you’re way over to the right, another 10% don’t like you because you appointed Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld, 10% more don’t like you because you’ve started two wars, yet another 10% don’t like you because they’re women who are pro-choice, there’s at least 10% don’t like you because they think you did the dirty on Al over the election results, 5% think you’re a brainless rich kid who only became president through family connections and there’s 4.5% who live in the Middle East’

‘That only leaves .5%’ said George

‘You can’t expect people to like you if you’re a politician’ I said ‘if it was popularity you were after you should have become a pop star or a great lover’

‘I’m pretty popular in Texas’ said George

‘That’s because when you were the Governor’ I said ‘you were responsible for executing more bad guys than Wyatt Earp’

‘Wait a minute’ said George ‘I’m quite popular in Europe’

‘Well the French think you’re as pig-headed as the Brits’ I said ‘the Brits think you’re a sabre-rattling loony like the French and the Germans can’t understand how anyone could possibly start a war’

‘Tony Blair likes me’ said George

‘That’s why nobody likes Tony Blair’ I said

‘Well what about John Howard’ said George ‘he really likes me’

‘I know’ I said ‘and so did that other Aussie Steve Irwin. He had great respect for crocodiles and other primitive life forms’

‘And they even have a bush culture in Australia’ said George

‘Yes I know’ I said ‘but the only connection with you is that it covers a lot of wide open spaces’

‘I get on very well with Putin’ said George

‘Yes’ I said ‘but it was unfortunate you took his advice on how to fight a war in Afghanistan’

‘So Barney’ said George ‘how would you advise me to improve my image?’

‘That’s easy’ I said ‘form a coalition government with the Democrats, fire Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld, stop both the wars, carry out a couple of abortions, make Al Gore your Secretary for the Environment and take out Palestinian citizenship. I’m afraid we’re stuck with the fact that you’re a brainless rich kid with family connections’

‘Or’ said George ‘I could become a President beloved the world over for his humanity, integrity and unswerving commitment to raise the human dignity of mankind’

‘Sorry George’ I said ‘Mother Theresa’s already done that gig’

I almost choked on my mouthful of organic dog food. George was having a mad moment and I sensed it would take all my animal cunning to avert a policy disaster which could bring the US economy to its knees.

‘I beg your pardon George’ I responded keeping my cool and hoping against hope that he was merely talking about becoming an alien.

‘Well you know’ said George ‘I thought I’d plant a few more trees in the White House garden, put a recycling bin in the Oval Office and install a half-flush in the en-suite’

I can’t tell you how relieved I felt. Mercifully George hadn’t become a greenie but was just into some feel-good stuff he’d picked up at a cocktail party

‘Oh that’s alright George’ I said ‘I was worried you were talking about replacing coal with solar power and wind power’

‘Good heavens Barney, you know me better than that’ said George ‘I leave all that stuff to Al Gore. Next thing you know he’ll be trying to power his car by farting into the petrol tank. By the way I heard him talking about the greenhouse effect recently. What the hell’s all that about?’

‘Well George’ I said ‘some climate scientists believe if we emit too much carbon into the atmosphere by burning fossil fuels like coal and oil the world will overheat’

‘Oh I understand’ said George ‘that’s the same sort of idea as the insulation we put in the roof last year. But you don’t believe all that stuff do you Barney?’

‘Well as your senior adviser’ I said ‘I have to carefully review all expert opinion and scientific data and maintain a rigorous ongoing analysis of all available…’

‘Alright alright’ said George ‘but you don’t’ believe all that dogshit do you?’

‘Well actually no George’ I admitted ‘but that’s not the point. We have to be aware of trends in voter attitudes and you have to be careful about your carbon footprint’

‘I know’ said George ‘I accidently trod in the coal bucket’

‘No, no’ I said ‘you have to be careful not to do things which significantly increase carbon emissions like fighting lots of wars, chopping down forests and allowing new vehicles which guzzle even more gas’

‘But wars and wood and gas guzzling are all good for business’ said George ‘Those greenies are as bad for business as a police raid in a brothel. Al Gore can’t seriously believe that cars will run on hydrogen and power stations can be driven by the sun. Besides Dick Cheney and I wouldn’t have any oil company directorships to keep us going in retirement’

‘Al believes that’s the only way we can save polar bears’ I said ‘and he has no doubt they’re a much more vital part of the eco-system than you and Dick.

‘The next thing’ said George ‘he’ll be campaigning again for President promising to run the country from a tree’

‘Well’ I said ‘he’d be in the ideal position to construct his new cabinet’

‘Hey Barney’ said George ‘Dick Cheney’s invited me to go quail shooting with him’

‘Oh Lord’ I thought. Dick was renowned as the worst shot since the Keystone Cops.

‘You’re not going are you?’ I asked anxiously

‘Well I thought I might’ said George ‘It would be a pleasant weekend out in the country’

‘George’ I said ‘you’d be safer on the frontline in Baghdad.  Dick’s so hopeless with a gun he’s going to shoot somebody one day and it could be you’

‘Come on Barney’ he said ‘Dick’s not going to shoot the US President’

‘Well it would be a unique situation’ I agreed ‘the vice-president shooting the president.  But I just have this feeling that one day Dick’s going to take a shot at the presidency’

‘I’ll be quite safe’ said George

‘Not as safe as the quails’ I said ‘but that raises an interesting point.  If you got knocked off or incapacitated and Dick, heaven help us, was running the country, shouldn’t special arrangements be in place to enable him and the country to continue benefiting from my unique insight?  I just can’t see Dick working directly in harmony with a talking dog.  The only use he has for dogs is to have then standing around in case the impossible happens and he bags a quail’

‘Good point Barney’ said George ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.  Tell you what.  I’ll set you up with a computer and you could communicate with Dick through emails’

‘I hope it’s got a paws button’ I said

‘Very funny’ said George ‘We would have to give you an impressive online codename’

‘Ok’ I said ‘how about God?’

‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘that’s a bit pretentious isn’t it?’

‘No way’ I said ‘God is dog backwards.  Dogs represent the ultimate authority in reverse’

‘Fascinating ‘ said George ‘but I would prefer you adopted a codename like Santa Lucia.  That would stand for Senior Advisor Nato Transatlantic Alliance listed under CIA’

‘I think I’ll stick to God if you don’t mind’ I said ‘If I could convince Dick he was the first US President who’d ever got a direct line to God he’d certainly take notice. Of course I’d have to turn down all requests for a face to face meeting’

‘I’ll get a secretary lined up for you’ said George

‘How about that bitch at the Clinton’s’ I suggested

‘’Can she type?’ asked George

‘Who the hell cares?’ I said

‘Tell you what’ said George ‘I’ll fix it so you can phone the stuff though to one of my secretaries.  She wont know who you are and it will save you sending it through on dog-eared notepaper’

‘Very funny’ I said ‘I hope the system is never activated but if the worst happens you can rest assured the country is in God’s hands.  And by the way if you go shooting with Dick don’t forget to go equipped with full body armour, a mobile surgery, a top medical team, a missile shield and make sure you’re totally surrounded 24/7 by secret service agents prepared to sacrifice their lives for you and ……………

‘Yippee’ said George all excited ‘I’ve just heard we’ve captured Saddam Hussein’

I was immediately on my guard. George was capable of the most unspeakable stuff-ups when he was excited.

‘Know what?’ said George ‘I think I might do another ‘mission accomplished’ turn on that aircraft carrier’

‘Now George let’s be absolutely clear about this’ I said in my most authoritative tone ‘you still haven’t accomplished any mission in Iraq. Your first ‘mission accomplished’ was premature and a second would be worse than a tickertape parade down Fifth Avenue celebrating the anniversary of Watergate’

‘Ok Barney, perhaps you’re right’ said George grudgingly ‘but we’ve got to do something to celebrate. That guy’s a real mangy dog. Oops, sorry Barney’

‘George’ I said ‘you should do a TV address to the nation praising the efforts of our brave lads in Iraq and announcing that you’re handing Saddam over to the Iraqi Government to be tried for his dirty deeds’

‘No way’ said George ‘I’m not handing him over till he tells us where the WMDs are hidden’

‘I’m sorry to break this to you George’ I said ‘but Saddam has got as many WMDs as invitations to dinner at the White House. He’s all mouth and trousers. And if there was the faintest possibility that he ever had any he would have had a stocktake sale before we arrived’

‘I’m worried that the Iraqis won’t give him what he deserves’ said George ‘perhaps we should bring him to New York for a show trial’

‘No George’ I said ‘that’s the sort of thing Democrats do’

‘Well then I’ll get him renditioned and redacted’ said George

‘What on earth does that mean?’ I asked

‘I haven’t the slightest idea’ said George ‘it’s stuff I’ve picked up talking to the CIA. But I want Saddam to experience the same sort of animal cruelty he inflicted on others’

‘Fine’ I said ‘lock him in a cell with me and I’ll bite his nuts off’

‘What I have in mind’ said George ‘is to terrify him with sheer naked aggressions’

‘Well then lock him in a cell with Hillary with all her gear off’ I said

‘I’d like him to be in mortal fear for his life’

‘Ok’ I said ‘send him out quail shooting with Dick Cheney’

‘On the other hand’ mused George ‘he might come in handy for us’

‘You have to be joking George’ I said apprehensively

‘Well he could be useful in helping us put the Iranians back in their cage’ said George thoughtfully ‘after all he stopped them in their tracks once before’

‘Well’ I said ‘I guess that’s one way of using him to maximise chaos in the Middle East. Another possibly even more effective way would be to appoint him US ambassador to Israel’

‘I know’ said George ‘why don’t I make him president of the Bush All-American Oil Company based in Iraq?’

‘Because you’ve already promised that job to Dick Cheney’ I said

The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugee’s programme is the entry method for asylum seekers preferred by the Australian Government. It has the marked advantage of no involvement with the Oceanic Viking, Christmas Island or the dreaded people smugglers.

The High Commissioner is a busy fellow and it can take him years to pronounce you a genuine refugee and find a slot for you in a decent neighbourhood. It is hardly surprising that this delay promotes queue-jumping especially by people menaced by homicidal maniacs or up to their necks in melted icebergs.

Furthermore he has trouble meeting refugee demands for a premier destination like Australia. Quota restrictions mean refugees often have to settle for second best like the US and the UK. Relocation in NZ can be surprisingly seamless after months of being herded round like sheep.

Asylum seekers with a passport and a quid or two can opt for the Qantas Solution. This is the Australian Government’s second preference for asylum seekers because they have a large shareholding in Qantas but don’t get a cracker out of people smuggling.

The Qantas Solution offers unique benefits. On arrival in Australia asylum seekers can spend time casing the joint before deciding they want to go Aussie. When they alert the authorities of their intention there’s no question of a detention centre except in the case of terrorists or climate change sceptics. They are immediately upgraded from asylum seeker to permanent residency seeker status. Before leaving home however it is prudent to join the Qantas Frequent Flyer Programme just in case you are red-carded.

Asylum seekers arriving in Australia by boat go straight to a detention centre. It should be noted that travelling to Christmas Island in your own boat avoids the unpleasantness of travelling with people smugglers. A call ahead to book accommodation on Christmas Island and arrange a rendezvous with the Oceanic Viking is always much appreciated.

The asylum seekers’ entry method which causes by far the most angst to the Australian Government is people smugglers. Asylum seekers are strongly advised to regard this as the option of last resort because it involves dealing with three of the most difficult organisations in the world, people smugglers, the Indonesian Government and the Australian Government.

People smuggler boats are built to Kamikaze standards. They never come back because they either sink, explode or are impounded at sea by the Australian authorities. They have about as much chance of reaching Australia as the World Cannibal Convention and the crews have about as much idea of Australia’s geographical position as Dick Cheney.

Kevin is susceptible to giving asylum seekers special treatment but only if you manage to get picked up in Indonesian waters by an Australian boat. All you have to do is simply refuse to get off the boat when it reaches Indonesia. Kevin is far too humane to force you off. Ultimately he will be so embarrassed he’ll lose patience and bribe you to get off. Don’t take his first offer but hang out for something really worthwhile like a tickertape parade in Sydney and Melbourne, a season ticket to the MCG and Australian of the Year.

Asylum seeking has its tiresome moments. But seekers will only have to wait a year or two before Kevin says ‘sorry’.

‘Now George’ I said ‘I hope you don’t mind if I ask you a personal question but have you had sex recently?’

George looked stunned. Although to be fair this was probably the first time he had been questioned by a dog about his sex life.

‘Good heavens Barney’ said George ‘That’s a very personal question. Why do you ask?’

‘Well’ I said ‘the sex life of US Presidents is a fascinating study. On the one hand you would think that to a man they would represent a morality and steely resolve which is impervious to carnal desires while on the other there’s Kennedy and Clinton’

‘But they were both democrats’ said George ‘Republicans are not susceptible to temptation’

‘Well I’m a republican’ I said ‘and I’m tempted. But doesn’t it surprise you that your predecessors had a bit on the side with Marilyn Monroe and Monica Lewinsky and most other pieces of skirt that came along?’

‘Not really’ said George ‘although I’d be astounded to hear that about Nixon, Reagan and my father’

‘So would your mother’ I said ‘but Nixon didn’t mind a bit of burglary now and then’

‘Oh I think Watergate was very overblown’ said George ‘after all it was only a political burglary’

‘Now come on George’ I said ‘you’re the most powerful man in the world and there must be women throwing themselves at you’

‘It’s true’ said George ‘that women find me highly attractive. But I close my eyes and think of Bill Clinton saying ‘I did not have sex with that woman’ and I find that’s enough excitement for one day’

‘My great ambition’ I said ‘is to join the mile high club on Air Force One’

‘Then there are two things you should keep in mind’ said George ‘every inch of the plane is under video surveillance apart from my bedroom and toilet and the crew has strict instructions never to become involved in a dogflight’

‘Oh then’ I said ‘I’ll switch my ambition to becoming a member of the oval office club’

‘Barney’ said George ‘I would never allow a republican like you to become a member of any club which counts Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky amongst its members’

‘Look George’ I said ‘you may choose to be reticent about your sex life but I’m at the end of my leash. I haven’t got one. You’ve never fixed me up with that bitch at the Clinton’s. Don’t tell me the only sexual fulfilment I’m likely to get comes from rubbing myself against Dick Cheney’s leg’

‘Well Barney’ said George ‘if it’s that big a problem I could arrange for you to get the unkindest cut of all’

‘No George I’ll manage’ I said hastily ‘but I’ve got an idea. With my impeccable pedigree you could make quite a few bucks sending me to stud for a week or two’

‘So you screw yourself silly and I get paid for it’ said George ‘that hardly befits a president’

‘Why not?’ I said ‘you’re screwing Iraq and we’re all paying for it’

During the early stages of the wars in Iraq I was beginning to assert myself in the role as senior advisor to George. Unfortunately however when it came to wars he was listening to Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld rather than me. It was a case of two tails wagging the dog.

Colin Powell was a great guy and a real soldier, but in those days when it came to wars he was less of a pit bull and more of a poodle like me.

Karl Rove was almost my equal as a senior advisor but much more dogmatic. He was much more interested in his own wars than George’s.

So when it came to Iraq it was me against Dick and Don and I was incredulous that George preferred their advice to mine. That was like a baseball player choosing to be coached by Hulk Hogan rather than Joe Torre.

So after our brave lads captured Baghdad Dick and Don were jumping up and down about fly-pasts, parades and dog and pony shows galore.

‘So Barney, what’s your opinion?’ asked George.

‘Well George’ I said ‘I don’t want to seem overly dramatic so I’ll put this as logically and dispassionately as I can. You’re in deep shit’.

‘Barney you’ve got to be joking’ said George ‘This will go down as my finest hour’.

‘Let’s face it George’ I said ‘you had your finest hour with that Costa Rican bombshell in college. Today Al Qaeda are pouring into Iraq, the WMDs if they ever existed are in Syria, Saddam Hussein is down a foxhole and the Shi’ite are not going to be happy campers much longer’.

‘But Dick and Don told me it’s all over bar the shouting’ said George.

‘Dick and Don wouldn’t know they’re about to suffer a fiery end even if they had a rocket up their ass’ I said ‘What do Colin and Karl think?’

‘Well it’s true they’re a bit more cautious’ said George. They had obviously told him the war is far from over and he should pull his head in.

‘But Iraq is my pet project’ said George.

‘Wrong George’ I said ‘I am your pet project’.

‘Well Dick thinks I should do something dramatic to build national morale and patriotism like landing on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln in a fixed-wing plane. No president has ever done that’.

‘Don’t tell me’ I said ‘Then you’re going to make a stirring victory speech under a huge banner saying ‘Mission Accomplished’.

‘That’s a brilliant idea Barney’ said George ‘I’ve got to hand it to you. Dick and Don will love it’.

‘George’ I said ‘I was only kidding. Crack a bottle of champers, send a stirring message to the nation but don’t go big-noting yourself on an aircraft carrier about a mission that’s about as accomplished as the Watergate burglary’.

‘Come to think of it’ said George ‘I might consider doing a ticker-tape parade in Baghdad under a banner reading ‘Saviour of Iraq’.

‘Oh Lord’ I thought ‘if that happens Osama bin Laden might start believing in Christmas’.

‘Ok George’ I said ‘you win. Do the mission accomplished thing on the aircraft carrier’.

‘Mr President’ I looked up and saw it was Don Rumsfeld coming across the lawn. George and I were having a yap in the White House gardens.

‘No talking Barney’ said George

‘Can’t I even bite his ankles?’ I asked hopefully

George shot me a look which left no doubt that the slightest nip on my part would mean an extended period in the doghouse.

‘Mr President. Great news from Iraq’ said Don ‘Our forces are within thirty kilometres of Baghdad and my strategic plan is working brilliantly’

‘What a wanker’ I thought

‘Found any WMDs yet?’ asked George

‘Not yet Mr President’ said Don ‘but be assured we’re on the case’

It was only my superhuman self-control that stopped me telling him he’d got as much chance of finding WMDs in Iraq as I had of addressing the United Nations General Assembly

‘More good news Mr President’ said Don ‘we’ve now got Kabul and Kandahar pretty much under control’

‘Great work Don’ said George ‘let’s chat with Dick after the Joint Chiefs of Staff meeting’

‘That’s terrific news from Iraq’ said George after Don had gone. ‘ We’ll soon have control of Baghdad, Kabul and Kandahar’

‘George’ I said ‘Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan’

‘Just testing’ said George ‘I just wish I was out there with the troops charging up the Khyber Pass to Baghdad’

I didn’t say any more because he was making encouraging progress. At least all of the places he mentioned were in the Middle East. I thought of the brave lads out there in the heat of battle and how ironic it was that they were wearing dogtags while I had an identification chip embedded in my ass.

‘By the way Barney’ said George ‘the head gardener told me that someone crapped on the lawn last week. That wasn’t you was it?’

‘Absolutely not George’ I said ‘I’m pretty certain it was your father’s dog when he came visiting’

Actually it was me. I just couldn’t restrain myself when Dick Cheney walked past. But I just didn’t know how George would react to the news that his senior advisor had crapped on the lawn.

‘You know’ said George ‘perhaps we should invade a few more bad guys while we’re on a roll’

I could see it was time for one of my serious moments with George

‘Let’s be absolutely clear about this George’ I said ‘you’re already in a fight with Saddam, the Taliban, Al Qaeda and numerous other dogbrains. That’s enough to keep you busy for the next few years

‘Nonsense’ said George ‘give us three weeks and we’ll find all the WMDs, oil will be flowing and Saddam will be begging for mercy.

‘Yes’ I said ‘and Britney Spears will become a vestal virgin and Mike Tyson will be appointed professor of rocket science at Harvard University’

‘I’m having dinner tonight with the top brass’ said George ‘ and we’ll be discussing Iraq and Afghanistan. Is there anything in particular you would like me to take out of the meeting for you?’

‘Yes’ I said ‘a doggy bag’