‘Now then Barney’ said George ‘I need your advice on my Inauguration Speech. I was thinking about a triumphal address with the theme ‘bury Kerry and downwards with Edwards’

‘Come on George’ I said ‘this is no time to be vindictive. It calls for magnanimity in victory. Kerry and Edwards may be the biggest non-event since the Bay of Pigs but this is a time of healing to proclaim a presidency which will not only unite the peoples of America but of the whole world’

‘Good heavens’ said George ‘where on earth did you get that bullshit from? You must have been watching old Ronald Reagan B movies’

‘No George’ I said ‘it was part of my acceptance address when I was elected Chief Barker at the Top Dog Congress last year. Of course I was talking about dogs but I believe there’s no reason why people can’t also come together in a civilized way’

‘Don’t get me wrong here Barney’ said George ‘I’m talking about a speech which reinforces my reputation as leader of the free world’

‘Yes I know’ I said ‘but it’s a question of whether you want to come across as just having won the Denver dwarf-throwing final or the US Presidency’

‘I see what you mean’ said George ‘reconciliator rather than terminator’

‘Right on George’ I said ‘your theme should be leading the world to a new era of freedom and democracy’

‘I like it’ said George ‘no people will live under the yoke of tyranny while I’m in office’

‘Except’ I said ‘Al Qaeda, the Washington Press Gallery, the Clintons, North Korea, Iran, Al Gore, the Taliban, left wing loonies in Hollywood, Michael Moore and Don Rumsfeld’

‘Why Don Rumsfeld?’ Asked George

‘Because he’s too dangerous to allow out on his own’ I responded ‘and what’s more he’s a racist. I heard him tell someone that he didn’t like Scottish Terriers’

‘I shall reassure everyone who has lost their freedom’ said George ‘that I shall not rest until their democratic rights are restored’

‘What about the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay?’ I asked

‘Oh they’re different’ said George ‘they’re not people they’re terrorists’

‘Osama bin Laden and Nancy Pelosi don’t agree’ I said ‘and what about all those guys renditioned by the CIA to covert overseas arm-twisting centres?’

‘Well only because that sort of thing isn’t allowed in the US’ said George ‘You’re not on their side are you?’

‘No George’ I said ‘it’s just that when I see Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz together sometimes I need to remind myself that we’re on the side of the good guys’

‘Ok’ said George ‘so my Inauguration Speech will be about freedom and democracy for ninety-nine percent of people’

‘Ninety-eight point eight’ I said ‘I forgot that the Chicago Democrats are a terrorist organisation’

‘Do you know Barney’ said George ‘there are people around who think I’m not going to win this election’

‘Thank heavens’ I thought to myself ‘he’s finally got the message’

George had been living in the White House cocoon for months signing papers and chatting to other heads of state and blissfully unaware that a large body of opinion in the country perceived another four years with him as President would be like playing a whole season for Detroit Lions.

‘The Democrats are calling me all sorts of names’ he went on ‘like dumbass, dimwit and dickless’

‘I wouldn’t worry about it George’ I said ‘I’ve heard them say far worse than that. After all everyone makes mistakes like you referring to the leader of Al Qaeda as Osama Bin Garden’

‘I did it on purpose’ said George ‘because he’s a big piece of dirt’

‘And what about when you asked the Pope if he’s a Catholic?’ I said

‘Well’ said George ‘Dick Cheney asked me that question when I asked him if he was interested in Iraqi oil and I didn’t know the answer’

‘What did the Pope say?’ I asked

‘Oh he just asked me if I was a republican’ said George ‘I said yes but confessed I’d forgotten to pay my annual party membership fee and I had to say two Hail Marys’

‘Look George’ I said ‘the problem is that John Kerry claims you don’t know what you’re doing in Iraq and Afghanistan’

‘That’s not true’ said George ‘Don Rumsfeld briefed me yesterday’

‘It’s just that things seem to be drifting a bit in Afghanistan’ I said

‘I’m waiting for Pakistan to step up to the plate’ said George

‘Sorry George’ I said ‘they play cricket in Pakistan so they don’t step up to the plate they go in to bat’

‘Ok’ said George ‘and I’m waiting for Spain to go in to bat in Iraq’

‘No George’ I said ‘they do bull fighting in Spain so they grab the bull by the horns’

‘Look’ said George ‘do you mind if we stick with stepping up to the plate. All this foreign stuff confuses me. It’s like travelling with the Redskins to away matches’

‘George’ I said ‘the key to winning this election is presenting you as the terrorist terminator and John Kerry as a wimp who showboats rather than swiftboats’

‘How does Dick Cheney stack up against John Edwards?’ asked George

‘What a question’ I thought ‘it was like comparing Planet of the Apes with Sex Lies and Videotape’

‘I think he stacks up ok’ I said ‘Dick takes a bit off the top while John likes a bit on the side’

‘Look’ said George ‘I know I’m not perfect but at least I don’t crap on the White House lawn like you’

‘George’ I said ‘I only do it because you’re not allowed to and only because the lawn needs fertilising or Dick Cheney walks past’

‘All of us who make it to the top in politics have crosses to bear’ said George ‘for example Hillary’s got a Bill she can’t settle and she’s had to pay it over and over again’

‘Blimey’ I thought ‘George has suddenly become both a wit and a philosopher. He might win this election after all’

‘Barney’ said George ‘you’ve been selected for an undercover mission of the utmost strategic priority’

‘Oh no’ I thought ‘not another’. I got away with the last one when I fooled Dick and Don over the phone. But this had the ominous feel of some really heavy stuff.

‘I wouldn’t ask you’ said George ‘but you are the only one I know with the courage, resourcefulness and unique talent this mission demands’

Now I knew I was in the deep and smelly stuff

‘The fact is Barney’ said George ‘I face an election in a month or two and I’ve received reports that the Democrats are planning a dirty tricks campaign against me’

‘You don’t mean’ I said ‘they’re planning to reveal details of that meeting you had with Osama Bin Laden to plan 9/11’

‘Nothing like that’ said George ‘they’re planning to release false information casting aspersions on my military service record’

‘Good heavens’ I said ‘don’t worry about that. Everybody knows you spent the whole time pissing it up and chasing women’

‘The point is’ said George ‘’we need to get hold of the Democrats’ plan which sets out the details’

‘Ok’ I said ‘so you want me to phone John Kerry’s office pretending to be Dan Rather and ask them to send me a copy’

‘What I want you to do’ said George ‘is break into John Kerry’s home and pinch a copy of the plan which we know is on his desk’

‘Why me?’ I gasped

‘Because’ said George ‘the best way into the Kerry home is through a doggy door and I don’t know anyone else who could get through it’

‘Ok’ I said ‘if they’ve got a doggy door they’ve got a dog. What sort is it?’

‘We believe its a German Shepherd’ said George ‘nothing to worry about. We’ve checked and it will be asleep when you get there’

‘But George’ I protested ‘this is like a rerun of Watergate. If I get caught I’ll go down the toilet like the plumbers’

‘No problem’ said George ‘if you get caught you just play the dumb animal’

In the middle of the night I clambered through the doggy door at the Kerry home and was stealthily making my way across the kitchen when I heard a friendly greeting in dogspeak.

Standing before me was an absolutely gorgeous black terrier bitch

‘What do you want?’ she asked seductively

‘Well’ I said ‘I’ve just dropped in to steal a copy of the dirty tricks campaign John Kerry’s planning against George W’

‘No problem’ she said ‘I’ll fetch you a copy but first I have a great plan for you in my kennel’

It was the best laid plan I’ve ever come across

When I got back to the White House George was absolutely gobsmacked by the success of my mission

‘Great job’ he said ‘how on earth did you do it?’

‘Well George’ I said ‘sometimes when you lie down with dogs you get a lot more than just fleas’

‘Look Barney’ said George ‘I need your help’

I sniffed trouble. It was something in George’s tone.

‘Dick and Don’ he said ‘are pressuring me to invade the tribal areas in Pakistan to touch up the Taliban and find OBL. But my plan is to use drones to pinpoint key Taliban targets and bribe the Pakistanis to do the deep down and dirty stuff on the ground’

‘Brilliant thinking George’ I said. Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were obviously up to their old tricks.

‘Now I’ve got a strategic planning meeting with them tomorrow afternoon at the White House’ continued George ‘and I want you to be ready to take a call from the meeting. Here’s the tricky bit. My cunning plan is for you to pretend to be a CIA agent on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border who can give an expert on-the-spot strategic military assessment to support my point of view’

‘That’s a bit of a challenge George’ I said ‘I’ll have to bone up on a few things before you call’

‘One or two other points’ said George ‘I’ll address you by your codename which is Terrier. Pretty funny huh? Oh and by the way you’ll have to address me as Mr President for a change’

The next afternoon at 3.30 the dog and bone rang in my kennel

‘This is Terrier’ I said

‘Hi Terrier’ said George ‘This is the President speaking. I’m here with the vice-President and the Secretary of Defence and you’re on the loudspeaker. What’s the current situation on the border there?’

‘Swarming with Taliban Mr President’ I responded ‘it’s just like passing out day at West Point’

‘Dick Cheney here Terrier’ said Dick ‘are the Taliban well armed?’

I had to smile. I could hardly resist the temptation to tell him he was talking to me. He would absolutely crap himself.

‘They’re armed and dangerous’ I said ‘They all look like Sylvester Stallone in
Rocky II’

‘Great film’ said George

‘Are you in disguise Terrier?’ asked Dick ‘Oh I get it. You’re disguised as a dog’. He was painful when he tried to be funny.

‘That’s right’ I said ‘it helps me keep my nose close to the ground’

‘That’s very funny Ba…Terrier’ said George

‘What’s the terrain like there?’ asked Don

‘Very steep and rocky’ I replied ‘Ok for guerrilla warfare but unsuitable for large troop movements’

I could tell he was impressed by my military analysis.

‘Are you in danger there?’ asked Dick

‘I’m used to it’ I said ‘The Taliban think I’m a Pakistani agent sent by Ahmadinejad to convince them that 9/11 never happened’

‘When is the best time to invade the tribal areas?’ asked Don

‘Well not during a test match’ I said ‘especially if its against India and Pakistan are winning. That would really piss them off. And not during the Afghan Hound Show Week. Militarily speaking I’d recommend you use drones to destroy key Taliban targets pinpointed by me and bribe the Pakistanis to do the heavy stuff on the ground’

‘Very interesting’ said Dick ‘that’s the President’s view. You haven’t been swapping notes with him have you?’

‘Never had the honour of meeting him’ I lied ‘but you know what they say about great minds’

‘Thank you Terrier’ said George ‘stay safe. You’ve been very helpful’

An hour later I met George on the White House lawn.

‘Mission accomplished Terrier’ he said.

‘Now Barney’ said George, who was in one of his extraordinarily perky moods ‘I’m delivering the State of the Union Address in a couple of weeks. Any ideas about what I should say?’

If the truth be told I didn’t take the State of the Union gig all that seriously. It was really a theatrical feel-good extravaganza for George and all the hangers-on to reassure themselves that they are the greatest politicians in the world running the greatest country in the world. George could expect to be applauded at least seventy or eighty time during the speech for totally misleading everybody about what was actually going to happen.

‘George’ I said ‘this is your year to be truly inspirational. Tell them America is leading the way to a world free from carbon emissions, recessions, Saddam Hussein, Al Qaeda, Ahmadinejad, Rocky movies and Fred Snoggs’

‘But I like Rocky movies’ said George ‘I’m just sorry I never got to see one of his fights. By the way who is Fred Snoggs?’

‘He’s the chief dog-catcher in Washington DC’ I said ‘ Furthermore I recommend that you announce the opening of a new detention facility for terrorists at Guantanamo Bay’

‘Why on earth would we want to put it down there?’ asked George ‘Castro would be trying to shove his nose in’

‘Well I’m sure there would be room for him’ I said ‘but if you’re going to let the CIA loose with extreme measure like water-boarding, sleep deprivation and videos of Britney Spears concerts you don’t want liberals sniffing round the place. And Guantanamo Bay would really piss the liberals off because they couldn’t get down there to celebrate their ‘be nice to terrorists’ week.

‘Brilliant thinking Barney’ said George ‘now I thought I should also make a huge announcement about healthcare’

‘George’ I said ‘have you mislaid all your marbles? Healthcare is political disaster area. Remember what it did to Bill and Hillary? The strict rule for Republican Presidents is leave healthcare to the stuffed up by the Democrats like Kerry or Hillary or some nobody they resurrect out of Chicago. Republican Presidents specialise in stuffing up wars’.

‘That’s wonderfully perceptive Barney’ said George ‘anything else?’

‘Yes’ I said ‘you should announce a giant shake-up of the diplomatic service. Make Don Rumsfeld the Ambassador to Zimbabwe and make him wear black make-up. And make me Ambassador to Yapland’

‘Ok Barney very funny’ said George wearily ‘is that it?

‘Most importantly’ I said ‘you should make a major new announcement in the animal welfare field. I suggest a new kennel television channel created specially for dogs. It could feature dog races, sheep dog trials from New Zealand, Lassie films and all the latest dog shows so I can sniff out the really sexy bitches’

‘And I take it you would have your own show’ said George

‘Absolutely George’ I said ‘I would specialise in interviewing politicians who are barking mad’

‘Indeed’ said George ‘I thought you’d be presenting your own cooking show, because you’re always a bit close to the bone’

‘Look George’ I said ‘it’s time you took the 2004 presidential election seriously’

There was less than a year to go and I was worried that George was resting on his 9/11 laurels a bit too much.

‘Don’t worry Barney’ said George ‘Karl’s got everything under control’

Now I was a big fan of Karl Rove the Architect. In fact I’d been meaning to ask George if he could design a new kennel for me.

He devised devilishly cunning plots which made the Watergate break-in look like Breakfast at Tiffany’s. He was so good at elections he could get Madonna voted into the Order of Vestal Virgins.

‘Ok George’ I said ‘I just wanted to be reassured that things are on track. Kerry and Edwards might give us a pretty tough contest’

‘Do you really think so’ said George ‘I thought they were a pretty pinhead pick even for the Democrats’

Well’ I said ‘Kerry’s a decorated Vietnam war hero while you got a cushy job in the Air National Guard through the back door’

‘Wait a minute’ said George ‘Dad could see I was a future national treasure too valuable to be shot at. You don’t think it will be a problem do you?’

‘You’re in luck’ I said ‘I talk regularly on the dog-and-bone to this friend whose owner was on the swift boats with Kerry in Vietnam. Tell Karl we should be able to organise something. Kerry’s married to that Heinz heiress. All those baked beans have made him stodgy’

‘That Edwards could be a worry’ said George ‘for a democrat he seems quite a reasonable sort of guy’

‘It would help’ I said ‘if you had a decent running mate like McCain instead of Dick’

‘Look Barney’ said George sternly ‘we’ve had this conversation before. Don Rumsfeld got it right when he said our election chances could be maximised exponentially through judicious use of our Dick. Edwards can’t do any damage can he?’

‘There’s a bit of goss around town’ I said ‘indicating that he’s carrying out extended testing of his social inclusion programme with female members of his campaign staff’

‘You don’t mean…’ began George

‘I’m afraid so’ I said ‘what you need is a running mate like Eliot Spitzer who could out-bonk him. How are the election policies shaping up?’

‘Absolutely brilliantly’ said George ‘my Clear Skies Act will shake the environmental movement to its core’

‘You mean you’re actually getting rid of carbon pollution?’ I asked

‘No’ he said ‘I’m getting rid of pollution controls. And I’m bringing democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan’

‘Have the Iraqis and the Afghans had a democratic vote on that yet?’ I asked

‘Good heavens no’ said George ‘I’m introducing American democracy’

‘What about a campaign slogan?’ I asked

‘I am planning to use ‘Yes America Can’ said George

‘Tell Karl it needs to be more inclusive and personal’ I said’ ‘Yes we can’ would be much better. That slogan’s so good that if you don’t use it someone else will’

George was extraordinarily fortunate to have me as his senior adviser. Dogs can sniff around and pick up bits of stuff that other advisers miss completely. And I had a real nose for people.

‘George’ I said one day in the middle of an intense discussion about health policy ‘its time for a performance review of the key members of your cabinet and top advisers. You’ve got an election coming up and it’s critical you have a team in place who can hack it’

‘Good thinking Barney’ said George ‘what did you have in mind?’

‘Well let’s look at your top five people’ I said ‘first there’s me and it looks like you’ve already made the obvious decision to retain my services by renewing my dog licence last week. So let’s talk about Colin Powell’

‘Wonderful man’ said George

‘I know’ I said ‘but he’s really pissed about the way he’s been treated by Dick and Don. He’s the ex-General and they keep telling him how to run the wars. It’s like me telling Derek Jeter he doesn’t know how to hold a bat’

‘Sure there are differences of opinion’ said George ‘but isn’t that normal?’

‘Dick and Don’ I said ‘don’t have normal opinions. They are dedicated disciples of Atilla the Hun. Mark my words George, Colin’s up to here with it. And don’t forget he was the one left twisting in the wind after telling the UN there were WMDs in Iraq. You don’t have to be Oprah Winfrey to work out who fitted him up for that. He’s not a second termer George’

‘That’s a bit of a shock’ said George ‘who on earth can I replace him with?’

A bit of a confession here. I’ve always been an unabashed fan of Condi Rice. She’s black and a real terrier just like me and I’ve always regarded her as a sort of kindred spirit. If there’s one person I would love to talk to besides George it would be her. So having sussed that Colin, who is also a really great black guy by the way, was going to call it a day, I evolved a cunning strategy to slot in Condi.

‘Condi Rice is a no-brainer’ I said ‘all the other possible candidates are dogsbodies by comparison. If you don’t appoint her I’ll stand on the steps of the Capitol Building with a white eye and accuse you of mistreating blacks’

‘Alright, alright’ said George ‘anything else?’

‘Yes, I’d fire Dick and Don’ I said

‘No way’ said George ‘they’ve grown on me. I think it must be the Stockholm Syndrome’

‘I find them more like chronic fatigue syndrome’ I said ‘if Don runs the Iraq war much longer Osama bin Laden will start sending him Christmas cards. Come to think of it I’d make the ideal Secretary of Defence’

‘Sorry Barney’ said George ‘you’ll have to be content with being the underdog’

‘Now look, about this Iraq business’ said Tony Blair

He had dropped into George’s ranch at Crawford, Texas for a confidential word  about stuffing Saddam and George and I were accompanying him on a post lunch constitutional round a paddock.

It was a pleasant stroll although we were surrounded by enough security heavies to prevent Boris Yeltsin getting into a vodka festival.  George wanted me around to advise him on the really complex strategic issues and I looked forward to the visit because I knew he kept a couple of bitches down there with the qualities to bring joy even to a dog’s life.

‘Colin Powell is convinced that Saddam has WMDs’ said George ‘and that only confirms what Dick and Don have been saying for sometime’

I’d been telling George for just as long that Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were far more dangerous WMDs than anything Saddam could possibly have.

‘What if we don’t find any WMDs?’ asked Tony

‘No chance’ said George ‘but don’t forget that Saddam told the UN to go and get whooped and he’s acting like a cross between Hitler, Frankenstein and Hillary Clinton’

‘We’ve got to tread carefully’ said Tony ‘Find the WMDs then change the regime by getting rid of Saddam, his army and his police force.  We don’t want to be landed with that whole Sunni Shia can of worms’

I quickly ran behind a hedge and shouted ‘What about Al Qaeda?’ I was under strict instructions from George not to open my mouth but my self-control failed me.

‘What on earth was that?’ asked Tony

‘It was one of the security guys’ said George ‘By the way one of my senior advisers reckons we should leave the army and the police force intact.  He believes if we disband them they’ll all join Al Qaeda and the country will descend into chaos’

I was flattered that George had remembered my advice so accurately.

‘Well he’s got that wrong’ said Tony ‘once we’ve sorted out Saddam and his crew the whole country will come to its senses.  That adviser of yours sounds like a real dog’

I’d never liked Tony Blair but now he hit rock bottom on the shitlist.  If I told George once I told him a hundred times never to go to war alongside a socialist.

‘You might just as well get some advice from Barney’ added Tony pissing himself with laughter

Fortunately my self-control reasserted itself and I was able to refrain from urinating down his trousers.

‘Tony do your people believe this war is legal?’ asked George

‘Half do, half don’t’ said Tony ‘you know what lawyers are like.  They tell you what they think will make them the most money’

‘Ok’ said George ‘I’ll send Saddam a note giving him the option of resigning and spending the next ten years in Antarctica growing glaciers with Al Gore or facing high noon at the OK Corral’

‘Right on George’ said Tony ‘we’ll bring peace and democracy to the people of Iraq and an era of hope and prosperity to the whole world’

‘What a load of absolute crap’ I shouted from behind the hedge.

One day as I lay in my kennel enjoying a dog’s life my phone rang.

George arranged for it to be secretly installed. He made up some story about needing a place to take emergency calls when he was out on the White House lawn.

The real reason was that when he’s at heavy meetings which don’t admit dogs he sometimes needs a direct line to get my unique perspective on matters of highest national priority.

‘Hello George’ I said. I knew it was him because he was the only one who had my number since he’d refused to pass it on to that bitch at the Clintons.

‘Hi Barney’ said George ‘I hope this is a convenient time to call but I really need your advice on matters I’m discussing here with the Joint Chiefs of Staff’

George had my sympathy. Talking to those generals was like trying to hold a conversation with the Washington Monument.

‘They believe we should try a new strategy in Iraq’ continued George ‘stop fighting a conventional war and switch to terrorist operations. It’s interesting but I’m not sure about it. What do you think?’

‘It’s a really dumb idea George’ I said ‘as far as I know the US Army doesn’t have any terrorism experience. What are the chiefs planning to do, send them to an Al Qaeda training camp in Pakistan for a crash course? And why not offer Osama Bin Laden big bucks to act as a consultant?’

‘Wait a bit Barney’ said George ‘the idea may not be as dumb as it seems. They’ve already got a great strategy to develop suicide bombers’

‘I’m all in favour of that’ I said ‘provided that Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld are on the first plane to crash into the Al Qaeda HQ. By the way George I hope for both our sakes this is a secure line’

‘General Cassidy tells me he’s developed a whole new manual on terrorist techniques for the US Army’ said George

‘George you know as well as I do’ I said ‘that Clint Cassidy is barking mad and should be in this kennel instead of me. Al Qaeda wrote the book on terrorist tactics and their Little Leaguers could terrorise Clint’

‘OK Barney’ said George ‘what do you advise?’

‘It’s simple George’ I said ‘you need a surge. All you have to do is send over 40,000 more troops to Iraq and it would be all over red rover’

‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘if I did that Hillary, John Kerry and the whole Kennedy family would go ballistic’

‘Well not everyone in the Kennedy family’ I said ‘The Terminator would be sensational in Iraq’

‘OK’ said George resignedly ‘what do I tell these guys?’

‘First’ I said ‘tell Clint to get back in his kennel and stop trying to be West Point’s answer to Bin Laden. And tell them all that you feel a surge coming on and it’s got nothing to do with that sexy Angelina Jolie movie you saw last night’

During the early stages of the wars in Iraq I was beginning to assert myself in the role as senior advisor to George. Unfortunately however when it came to wars he was listening to Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld rather than me. It was a case of two tails wagging the dog.

Colin Powell was a great guy and a real soldier, but in those days when it came to wars he was less of a pit bull and more of a poodle like me.

Karl Rove was almost my equal as a senior advisor but much more dogmatic. He was much more interested in his own wars than George’s.

So when it came to Iraq it was me against Dick and Don and I was incredulous that George preferred their advice to mine. That was like a baseball player choosing to be coached by Hulk Hogan rather than Joe Torre.

So after our brave lads captured Baghdad Dick and Don were jumping up and down about fly-pasts, parades and dog and pony shows galore.

‘So Barney, what’s your opinion?’ asked George.

‘Well George’ I said ‘I don’t want to seem overly dramatic so I’ll put this as logically and dispassionately as I can. You’re in deep shit’.

‘Barney you’ve got to be joking’ said George ‘This will go down as my finest hour’.

‘Let’s face it George’ I said ‘you had your finest hour with that Costa Rican bombshell in college. Today Al Qaeda are pouring into Iraq, the WMDs if they ever existed are in Syria, Saddam Hussein is down a foxhole and the Shi’ite are not going to be happy campers much longer’.

‘But Dick and Don told me it’s all over bar the shouting’ said George.

‘Dick and Don wouldn’t know they’re about to suffer a fiery end even if they had a rocket up their ass’ I said ‘What do Colin and Karl think?’

‘Well it’s true they’re a bit more cautious’ said George. They had obviously told him the war is far from over and he should pull his head in.

‘But Iraq is my pet project’ said George.

‘Wrong George’ I said ‘I am your pet project’.

‘Well Dick thinks I should do something dramatic to build national morale and patriotism like landing on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln in a fixed-wing plane. No president has ever done that’.

‘Don’t tell me’ I said ‘Then you’re going to make a stirring victory speech under a huge banner saying ‘Mission Accomplished’.

‘That’s a brilliant idea Barney’ said George ‘I’ve got to hand it to you. Dick and Don will love it’.

‘George’ I said ‘I was only kidding. Crack a bottle of champers, send a stirring message to the nation but don’t go big-noting yourself on an aircraft carrier about a mission that’s about as accomplished as the Watergate burglary’.

‘Come to think of it’ said George ‘I might consider doing a ticker-tape parade in Baghdad under a banner reading ‘Saviour of Iraq’.

‘Oh Lord’ I thought ‘if that happens Osama bin Laden might start believing in Christmas’.

‘Ok George’ I said ‘you win. Do the mission accomplished thing on the aircraft carrier’.

‘Mr President’ I looked up and saw it was Don Rumsfeld coming across the lawn. George and I were having a yap in the White House gardens.

‘No talking Barney’ said George

‘Can’t I even bite his ankles?’ I asked hopefully

George shot me a look which left no doubt that the slightest nip on my part would mean an extended period in the doghouse.

‘Mr President. Great news from Iraq’ said Don ‘Our forces are within thirty kilometres of Baghdad and my strategic plan is working brilliantly’

‘What a wanker’ I thought

‘Found any WMDs yet?’ asked George

‘Not yet Mr President’ said Don ‘but be assured we’re on the case’

It was only my superhuman self-control that stopped me telling him he’d got as much chance of finding WMDs in Iraq as I had of addressing the United Nations General Assembly

‘More good news Mr President’ said Don ‘we’ve now got Kabul and Kandahar pretty much under control’

‘Great work Don’ said George ‘let’s chat with Dick after the Joint Chiefs of Staff meeting’

‘That’s terrific news from Iraq’ said George after Don had gone. ‘ We’ll soon have control of Baghdad, Kabul and Kandahar’

‘George’ I said ‘Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan’

‘Just testing’ said George ‘I just wish I was out there with the troops charging up the Khyber Pass to Baghdad’

I didn’t say any more because he was making encouraging progress. At least all of the places he mentioned were in the Middle East. I thought of the brave lads out there in the heat of battle and how ironic it was that they were wearing dogtags while I had an identification chip embedded in my ass.

‘By the way Barney’ said George ‘the head gardener told me that someone crapped on the lawn last week. That wasn’t you was it?’

‘Absolutely not George’ I said ‘I’m pretty certain it was your father’s dog when he came visiting’

Actually it was me. I just couldn’t restrain myself when Dick Cheney walked past. But I just didn’t know how George would react to the news that his senior advisor had crapped on the lawn.

‘You know’ said George ‘perhaps we should invade a few more bad guys while we’re on a roll’

I could see it was time for one of my serious moments with George

‘Let’s be absolutely clear about this George’ I said ‘you’re already in a fight with Saddam, the Taliban, Al Qaeda and numerous other dogbrains. That’s enough to keep you busy for the next few years

‘Nonsense’ said George ‘give us three weeks and we’ll find all the WMDs, oil will be flowing and Saddam will be begging for mercy.

‘Yes’ I said ‘and Britney Spears will become a vestal virgin and Mike Tyson will be appointed professor of rocket science at Harvard University’

‘I’m having dinner tonight with the top brass’ said George ‘ and we’ll be discussing Iraq and Afghanistan. Is there anything in particular you would like me to take out of the meeting for you?’

‘Yes’ I said ‘a doggy bag’

‘It will be all over in a month’ said George

I groaned inwardly. He’d obviously been talking to Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld again. When it came to invading Iraq they were like rottweilers with two sets of teeth.

I like George. He’s a model dog-owner, always looked after his buddies in Wall St and the oil business and never got too big for his kennel.

But when it came to the presidential stuff he was a bit light on. The problem was that his world ended just west of LA and east of Washington. He’d heard of London and Paris but only in Rocky movies. His qualifications for running a war overseas were about on a par with Paris Hilton’s.

‘George’ I said ‘you might capture Baghdad inside a month but it will take years to de-terrorise Iraq. Instead of invading the place I’d send Dick and Don there on suicide bombing missions.”

‘That’s’ a load of dogwash’ said George

I sighed and resigned myself to having another deep and meaningful with him.

‘I’ve got this pal who’s an Afghan hound’ I said ‘Based on his local knowledge he reckons our troops will be stuck in Afghanistan for years and Iraq would be the same’.

‘Good heavens’ said George ‘whatever should I do?’

‘The time has come George’ I said gravely ‘for you to prove yourself a truly great statesman, to assert that the US will remain the undisputed world superpower ready to stand against threats to our freedom and integrity even by making pre-emptive strikes’.

‘Bravo Barney’ said George, who was visibly moved by my eloquence.

‘And’ I said triumphantly ‘we’ll call that the Bush Dogtrine’.

‘The Bush Dogtrine’ said George ‘What an impressive label for my legacy to America and the world. Does this mean you agree it’s time to clobber Saddam and finish what dad started?’

‘Absolutely not’ I said ‘The Bush Dogtrine is designed to scare the shit out of Saddam not shoot it out of him. If you invade Iraq there will be a backlash against the GOP and Hillary or Barack Obama will be elected president in 2008’

‘What a horrible thought’ said George ‘but the country will never get suckered in by the Clintons a second time and they’ll never believe in a change like Obama. Look Barney I know Colin Powell tends to agree with you but Dick and Don are dead against you’

Well that was reassuring. The idea of being in agreement with Dick and Don was about as attractive as catfood.

‘George’ I said ‘it sorrows me to see you lined up with the coalition of the willing’

‘Coalition of the willing’ said George ‘That’s brilliant Barney. That’s the name I’ll bestow on the multinational force bringing democracy to Iraq’

‘And what are you going to say to the forty-five million people who inhabit that great country?’ I asked

‘You mean Iraq is a country’ gasped George ‘I thought it was an oil company’

‘Look George’ I said, ‘I’m worried about Dick Cheney’. After all who wouldn’t be? It was the summer of 2002 and George and I were having a yap on the White House lawn.

‘Good heavens Barney’ said George ‘Dick and I are like the Righteous Brothers. What’s your problem?’

There was something in his tone which indicated I should tread carefully. My dog licence was coming up for renewal.

‘As your senior and most trusted advisor’ I said ‘it is my duty to bring matters to your attention without fear of favour so I’m asking you to cut a bit of slack on my leash here. I’ve been listening to conversations Dick’s been having with Don Rumsfeld’.

‘Barney’ said George ‘don’t tell me you’ve been eavesdropping’.

‘Of course not’ I lied ‘It’s just that dogs have a special talent for sniffing things out’.

Actually I sneaked into Dick’s office one day when he went to the can and then by sheer chance happened to hear him chatting to Don on the dog and bone.

‘I think Dick’s really enjoying the war in Afghanistan’ I said ‘He talks about it like it’s a football match and he and Don seem keen on doing an encore in Iran, Iraq or North Korea’

‘What about Hawaii?’ asked George.

‘You already own that’ I said.

‘Oh sorry. What about Australia?’

‘They’re on our side’

‘Who? Azerbaijan?’

Conversations with George can easily tend to drift so I decided to take charge.

‘Now listen George’ I said in my most dogmatic tone ‘I know Saddam Hussein’s a pain in the bum and Iran, Syria and North Korea are an axis of evil…..’

‘Axis of evil’ interrupted George ‘that’s very good. I’ll use that’

‘…….but you’ve got to stop Dick and Don being so trigger happy’

‘I can’t understand why they’d be interested in North Korea’ said George
‘They haven’t got any oil’

‘There’s no oil in Afghanistan’ I said

‘That’s not the point’ said George ‘Dick tells me we’re going to capture Osama Bin Laden next week’

‘You’ve got as much chance of capturing Osama Bin Laden’ I said ‘as I have of starring in Lassie. You would be mad to invade anywhere else in the Middle East. Oil prices would go up and it would be a real bugger’s muddle’

George put on that hang-dog look which was a dead giveaway that he’d been up to something.

‘To tell you the truth’ he said ‘Dick, Don and I have been thinking about shaking down Saddam Hussein to see if any WMDs fall out’.

This was a shattering blow. George had actually listened to Dick and Don rather than me.

‘Well George’ I said ‘you know the old saying. If you lie down with dogs you get fleas’.