Most Recent

Posts Tagged ‘Gaelene Woo’

« Older Entries

Tony Worms His Way Out - Thursday, July 29th, 2010

gillards-girls-masthead

30th July 2010

PM’s Office
Canberra

I can’t tell you how relieved the Girls were that your debate with Tony didn’t clash with MasterChef.

We were all rooting for Callum, such a lovely young man and so modest, and it was such a shame he got dudded by those dopey judges. If they’d used the worms to judge the final or even the bloody octopus he’d have been a shoo-in.

Even if the debate had clashed with MasterChef you’ll be pleased to know that we wouldn’t have missed it for anything and planned to record it to watch later on.

Talking about worms we’re amazed that those worms on TV don’t seem to like Tony as much as the worms in his own party. Ooh I am awful sometimes.

I have to say the Girls were very disappointed with the debate. You were brilliant and we all voted you the clear winner but the problem for us was that Tony wasn’t rude enough to you. We’d already written a letter to the Sydney Morning Herald complaining about him being a rude, vindictive loser and disappointingly he almost came across as being normal .

Audrey said she was beginning to fancy him but we bought her a stout and a port and lemon chaser and she soon settled down.

I hope you don’t mind me mentioning this but the Girls are all terribly worried about Peter Garrett. He’s such a lovely person for a politician and so concerned about preserving endangered species like jellybacked ex-prime ministers.

What concerns us Girls is that after you win the election you’ll dump him. Yes I know he stuffed the green loans and the insulation scheme and he treats parliament like a Midnight Oil concert but we think it could all have been Kevin’s fault.

I can’t tell you how shocked we all were to learn that Kevin underneath it all is an ego driven control freak but we’re almost over it by now. In fact we’re thinking of giving Mark Arbib a Beauthaven Branch award for his services to the Party.

We just don’t want Peter to be the Oil that is thrown out with the bathwater.

It now seems that the insulation disaster was all Kevin’s doing because he was control freaking the stimulus so much that Peter had to go like a batt out of hell whether he wanted to or not.

So when the time comes please treat him kindly. He’s the only rock star ever to have a g-string thrown at him by Dot and you just can’t ignore opportunities like that.

I see the miners are restarting their anti-tax ad campaign. Marge’s cousin who works down the mines is telling her it’s all because of confusion over the numbers.

I know you’ll probably hate me for saying this but I think these sorts of numbers are totally beyond Wayne and Hooray Henry.

If you don’t soon get someone doing the sums who knows what two and two makes we’re going to end up owing the miners money.

If you ask me the only surplus Wayne can get into by 2013 is the oil in the Gulf of Mexico.

Go Gillard’s Girls

Gaelene Woo,
President

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Gillard's Girls | No Comments »

Kevin Watch - Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

gillards-girls-masthead

23rd July 2010

PM’s Office
Canberra

Dear Julia,

You’re not going to believe this. Neville and I were at Penrith last Monday for the match between the Eels and the Panthers.

Early in the second half our lads were down 22-4. I couldn’t believe it. Then suddenly I knew exactly what to do. I called up my cousin Frank on the mobile. He carries the water-bottles for the Eels. I told him that the problem was that the team wasn’t Moving Forward.

Guess what happened! Frank passed on the message and they won. Isn’t that one of the greatest things you’ve ever heard. If Moving Forward works for the Eels it can work for the country.

Listen you don’t mind if I have another word about Kevin do you? The Girls are so worried about him. It’s strange because we used to be so keen on him but ever since you shafted him he seems to have gone all thingy.

What was he doing in the US chatting up Hillary and the UN Secretary-General? The Girls believe he’s telling them that you’ve only got the job on a temporary basis to win the election and he’s going to step back in after you’ve torpedoed Tony.

Kevin would never understand that a small matter like not being able to win an election should prevent him from running the country.

If I were you I’d move into The Lodge as soon as possible in case Kevin decides to move back in when everyone’s watching the telly on election night.

And I’d be very careful about promising Kevin a senior role in your cabinet. He probably sees that as confirmation you’re going to make him PM.

You’ll be pleased to know that the Girls are happy with your campaign so far. Every body thinks that Tony Abbott has as much chance of becoming PM as Martin Ferguson has of becoming an English Professor at Sydney Uni.

And to think it was only a month ago that you kept insisting that Kevin would he leading the party to the next election.

It’s absolutely brilliant how you’ve managed to blame Kevin for all the stuff-ups on batts, the BER, the Green Loans, the ETS etc. I was sure that you and Wayne were around at the time but now seems you were on a sabbatical and it was all the fault of Kevin and Peter Garrett. Funny how the memory can play tricks like that.

Sorry to go on about Kevin but its almost like the Girls don’t trust him anymore. Any day they expect him to appear on television with fake stab wounds in his back.

If you plan to visit Beauthaven during the campaign please let us know and we’ll put on refreshments at the branch. We’ve already got a huge celebration night planned for the 21st August and I’ve invited Mark Arbib. If ever I stand for election to the NSW Parliament I’ll need him to do a bit of power-broking for me. You know what I mean.

Go Gillard’s Girls

Gaelene Woo,
Branch President

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Gillard's Girls | No Comments »

Fiji – The Way The World Shouldn’t Be - Thursday, July 15th, 2010

gillards-girls-masthead

8th July 2010

PM’s Office
Canberra

Dear Julia,

Us Gillard’s Girls are furious. Fancy Frank Bainimarama chucking our High Commissioner out of Fiji. What a bloody cheek.

Well he’s not getting away with it. I’ve written to Frank telling him that the Beauthaven ALP Branch has black-banned Fiji as a holiday destination and we’ve removed kava from our bar. That will shake him.

This principled stand in the cause of democracy is not without sacrifices. Neville and I can’t stand Bali so we’ll have to make do with Surfers Paradise this year. We’ll just grit our teeth and put up with all that Melbourne crowd.

Perhaps you could pass this info on to Stephen Wothisface your Foreign guy because I know he’s really pissed off with Frank as well.

All the Girls are so excited about the election and we’re going to hold a special campaign launch BBQ. We’d be ever so grateful if you didn’t pop round to see the Governor-General – wonderful woman – on a Monday or Tuesday because that’s when the RSL BBQ is closed. Friday would be ideal

By the way don’t worry about winning the election. We put photographs of you and Tony Abbott on a wall and blindfolded Jasper our dog. Guess what! He went and pissed all over Tony.

Us Girls are very worried about the asylum seeker business. It was a great idea to take David Bradbury along when you went on that cruise off Darwin to scare off the people smugglers. David’s the member for the Penrith area just up the road from us and so he knows there’s more asylum seekers arriving round here than at Christmas Island.

We had a chat about it at our weekly meeting and Marge and Mildred came up with some really humane ideas.

They said its important to have regional processing centres where the asylum seekers feel at home. So they suggested that those fleeing from poverty and chaos should be sent to one in PNG and those fleeing an oppressive tyrant should be sent to Frank in Fiji.

The Girls asked me to tell you how worried we are about Penny Wong. She’s not the same person since she lost her ETS and Malcolm all at the same time. We think there’s a real danger she could join the Greens and she’s too young to give up all hope like that.

Wasn’t it wonderful to see Kevin going overseas again. I always thought he was at his best when he went overseas.

It was so lovely to see your parents on the telly. Dot heard they came from Wales and said it was lucky for you the Japs didn’t harpoon them on the way over.

I must tell you. The male members of the Beauthaven ALP Branch led by Neville introduced a resolution calling for the closing down of Gillard’s Girls claiming it was against party rules as a sexist faction. I introduced a counter resolution claiming we are a special advisory body to the prime minister on women’s rights. There’s twelve of us and only eleven of them so Gillard’s Girls survived by one vote. Don’t worry I’m planning to secure our future by doing a bit of branch stacking.

Election fever round here is reaching pandemic proportions. Don’t forget to make the announcement on a Friday if you possibly can. If you’ve already blown the whistle before you get this newsletter we quite understand.

Go Gillard’s Girls

Gaelene Woo
President

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Gillard's Girls | No Comments »

Faction Action - Thursday, July 1st, 2010

gillards-girls-masthead

2nd July 2010

Dear Julia,

Congratulations on becoming PM. We’re all so thrilled here to have a woman in charge I can’t tell you.

You’re not going to believe this but not only so we now have a female Governor–General, a female prime minister, a female governor of NSW and a female premier but I have just been elected president of the Beauthaven ALP Branch. How about that? And just like you I knifed a man to get the job.

I don’t know about you but I think its great to have the joint run by a clique of sexy stylish women like us rather than a bunch of old fartbags.

And here’s the really great news. At the branch meeting this week it was decided to establish in your honour a female faction within the Beauthaven Branch and call it Gillard’s Girls. I knew you’d be stoked.

That’s not all. We decided to send you a Confidential Weekly Newsletter which will give you loads of stuff about what’s going on in the real working families world as well as critical strategic and policy conclusions arising from our think tank sessions.

And it’s such a shame you live in Melbourne and work in Canberra. Don’t worry though, we’ll send you all the latest goss from super Sydney so you don’t miss out.

Our dynamic group founded the world’s first Obama Fan Club and for the past year have been sending him weekly newsletters from Australia. It has been a great honour to work for the President and I know both he and Hillary found our stuff invaluable. He’ll probably be a bit miffed when he realises that Kevin is not the only national leader to be dumped for you.

You don’t mind if I address you as ‘Julia’ do you? We feel as though we know you so well and I always addressed letters to your predecessor ‘Dear Kevin’ and he didn’t seem to mind.

The Gillard’s Girls faction consists of Madge, Marge, Mildred, Mavis, Elsie, Gert, Audrey, Dot, Beryl, Joyce, Maude and me. My mother’s still thinking of joining but she still can’t get John Howard out of her system. We tried syrup of figs but even that didn’t work.

Don’t get me wrong, we’re all rapt about your promotion but I have to say we’re concerned about how poor Kevin was treated. As a humane gesture I think you should talk to the NSW Right about opening a rehabilitation clinic for Morris Iemma, Nathan Rees and Kevin and don’t forget you and Kristina could need treatment there one day.

I know you say Kevin lost his way but instead of calling him in for a pitstop to fill his tanks, inflate his tyres and hand him a Gregorys, you simply turned off his power and punctured his ego.

A bit of advice if I may. The Gillard’s Girls faction is aligned with the NSW Right. After they helped to power-broke you to PM we knew it was ok to support you despite the fact you’re a bit of a leftie. But we know what a pack of bastards they can be. So if Mark Arbib doesn’t get a cabinet position soon I’d ask the police for one of those bullet-proof vests.

Anyway we’re so proud of you we decided to make you an honorary member of Gillard’s Girls and we’ve even waived your membership fee. And don’t worry about us, we’re not into power-broking.

Watch out for our first Weekly Newsletter in a week’s time.

Go Gillard Girls.

Gaelene Woo,
President

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Gillard's Girls | 1 Comment »

Love You and Leave You - Thursday, June 24th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

25th June 2010

Dear Mr President,

Prepare yourself for a shock. On second thoughts prepare for a few of them.

Kevin’s been knifed. I know, I couldn’t believe it myself. And here’s the hard part for me. The main people who did it were the NSW Right. So my heroes have knifed my knight in shining armour – after you of course.
kevin-rudd-knifed

I sat down, had a good cry, a couple of gin and tonics and pulled myself together. You know how much I loved Kevin but the party’s bigger than people.

I called an immediate meeting of the Obama Fan Club to discuss what we should do.

First we decided to send a letter of condolence to Kevin thanking him for his fine contribution to Australia and inviting him to come and give us a keynote address. That should perk him up a bit.

krudd-gillard

Then we decided that we should support Julia because if the NSW Right backed her in she can’t be all that bad of a leftie; not the loony sort anyway.

Now I don’t think I’ve told you this but I’ve recently been made president of the Beauthaven Branch of the Australian Labor Party. Pretty impressive huh? Mildred suggested that I should get a group of women together in the branch to support the first female Aussie prime minister. That was adopted unanimously by the women in the Club and rejected by the men who were outvoted.

So we’ve created the Gillard Girls faction of the Beauthaven ALP Branch and we’ve resolved to give Julia every possible help just like we’ve given you.

Now I come to my next shock. This new direction means that we won’t be able to maintain regular meetings of the Obama Fan Club and this will be the last regular Newsletter from Australia.

I know how much you’ll be disappointed because you’ve come to rely so heavily on our stuff. I hope you’ll understand, however, that we feel the ALP and Julia need us more than you do.

By the way I’d appreciate you breaking the news to Hillary because she’s come to rely on us so much as well. Wonderful woman.

As a final gesture I asked the Club members if they’d got any brilliant ideas on how to tackle your oil spill. Madge suggested issuing an oil-can to every American and sending them down to the Gulf of Mexico to fill them up. That way the Gulf gets cleaned up and everyone gets a free can of oil.

And Neville suggested each can could carry the slogan ‘Yes we oil-can’. What an idiot.

Mildred asked me the other day if I could imagine Tony Abbott as prime minister of Australia. I couldn’t at first but when I forced myself it came as such a shock that I had to have a sit down. That’s why Gillard’s Girls have got to step up to the plate. I’m into baseball as well you know.

It’s been an honour to be of such great service to you. Don’t hesitate to ask if there’s ever anything that requires our special expertise. But your mate Jeff Bleich the ambassador should be able to step up and take on the extra responsibility.

Have a great rest of your presidency and we’ll keep in touch.

Toodle-oo for now,

Gaelene Woo
President

Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 1 Comment »

A Not In His Prime Minister - Thursday, June 10th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

11th June 2010

Dear Mr. President,

Look we quite understand why you had to can your visit to Australia again so don’t be embarrassed will you.

Frankly its not a good time for Kevin. He’s in a terrible tizz at the moment about whether he should run the mining industry or whether they should run him.

If you ask me I think it will end up with Kevin being undermined. Sorry, I just can’t help myself sometimes.

Kevin’s problem is he’s getting a bit stale. He hasn’t been overseas since Copenhagen – I think that put him off junkets – but the longer he stays in Australia the more his poll numbers go down.

Perhaps you could invite him over for a gabfest in Washington. It would freshen him up a bit and he’s good at talking. It’s only when he tries to do things that the rot seems to set in.

He might be able to help you with all that glug in the Gulf of Mexico caused by British Petroleum or Pommy Petrol as we call them over here.

Admittedly he’s pretty hopeless at cleaning up his own messes but he might have better luck with somebody else’s.

The latest poll numbers look so bad for Kevin that there’s talk of Julia or Tony Abbott getting the job.

Neville said that if Tony becomes prime minister it would be like a hooker being appointed Minister for Social Services.

Julia’s such a wonderful woman but somehow I don’t see her as another Kevin. Truth to tell I’m a bit thingy about women lawyers. And what’s more she was a young Trotskyite who came from South Wales. I’m not holding all that against her of course but I’m surprised by her views on the super profits tax because she came over here as a miner.

Our Mavis’ Bert thinks she’ll become prime minister because she’s got more sex appeal than Kevin. Bert’s always had strange tastes in women though. You should see our Mavis.

Marge doesn’t like her health policies and questioned the position she’ll take with dentists. Fred said she’ll lie back and open her mouth like everyone else.

Albert said it would be like having Madam Lash as prime minister. But he’d line up for a spanking don’t you worry.

Mildred said it would be great to have a prime minister who is single because then we’d be clear about who’s running the country.

Mavis thought it would be lovely to have Julia in the Lodge with her partner the haircare specialist. When they entertain you and Michelle he could give her a rinse and blow-dry and she could give you a few hairy moments.

My view it that if Kevin fails to mine the super profits tax his poll numbers will fall faster than a cage down a mineshaft. On the other hand if Julia doesn’t fix the BER mess she’ll be sent back to school for lessons in an uncovered outside learning area during a snowstorm.

You know what I think? You should make that trip over here as soon as possible. After a few days with Kevin, Julia and Tony you’ll even look forward to getting back to that Pommy Petrol problem.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »

A Grease and Oil Change - Friday, June 4th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

4th June 2010

Dear Mr. President,

I couldn’t help laughing the other day. Someone in the US criticised your government for wanting too much control over people’s lives. We’ve got to keep the government out of our bedrooms he said. That wouldn’t be a problem for me I thought because they’re bound to be a big improvement there on Neville.

All the members of the Obama Fan Club are terribly worried about your oil disaster and want to do all we can to help.

I convened a special meeting of our World Affairs Think Tank to try and come up with some inspiring ideas for you.

Our Mavis’ Bert said the oil mess was typical of the Poms because they still have an empire mentality. People like British Petroleum think nothing of crapping all over the colonies.

Our Mavis reckoned it was about time you poured oil on troubled waters until it was pointed out to her that the waters only become troubled because someone poured oil on them in the first place.

Marge thought that you should rename the Gulf of Mexico the BP sea.

Albert said the oil spill started six weeks ago, is still gushing out and he reckoned you have just been sitting on it. His wife said it was just a pity you haven’t got a wider backside.

Mildred thought it was a wonderfully generous gesture by the US to pool your oil with Mexico. But Elsie thought it was ironic that Mexico is preparing to stop the flow of illegal flow of US oil into their country.

Fred thought the oil would cause a lot of confusion for environmentalists. If the sea levels rise they wont know whether to blame melting glaciers or the oil spill.

Joe thought BP should be congratulated for creating the world’s largest carbon footprint without generating any carbon emissions.

Madge thought it was the biggest environmental disaster since Midnight Oil spilled out all over the place. Even after all this time there are many people who feel that Peter Garrett still hasn’t been cleaned up properly.

Neville said if BP put their prices up to pay for their massive stuff-up he would buy his petrol elsewhere because there are Ampol stations around (he actually thought that was funny).

Godfrey said that Americans should park their cars with the petrol caps off because hurricanes are expected through the Gulf of Mexico shortly and it could soon be raining oil all over the country.

I summed up in my usual balanced manner. I suggested converting the Gulf of Mexico into an oil storage facility and pointed out it could soon become the source of a new type of fish oil.

Oh and by the way you should sit on a Louisiana beach and command that the oil not come on to it. Yes I know it didn’t work for King Canute but who knows you could get lucky and at least you’d be seen to be doing something.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »

The Wayning Economy - Friday, May 28th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

28th May 2010

Dear Mr. President,

I’m terribly worried abut Wayne. He’s come up with this budget which all depends on gouging squillions out of the mining industry and I think he’s totally stuffed it.

This Hooray Henry bloke did a review of the Aussie Tax System and comes up with a hundred and thirty odd recommendations to reduce the number of taxes and one to introduce a new one. And so what do you think Wayne does? You’ve guessed it. He ignores the one hundred and thirty odd recommendations but introduces the new tax.

Even Tony Abbott could see that was asking for trouble let alone Blind Freddie.

Wayne is promising to do all sorts of wonderful things on corporate tax and super and save us from debt with money he hasn’t got and doesn’t look like getting. It’s like me promising to buy Neville a brewery from my winnings when the Eels win the premiership in September.

I can’t believe dear Kevin agreed to all this. He must have been smoking something.

Believe me I’m not a fan of the mining companies, but if Wayne carries on with this super profits thing they’ll soon be exporting themselves rather than iron ore.

Then a crack will appear in Wayne’s bottom line and he’ll start crapping over all of us.

I think Kevin and Wayne are actually trying to kibosh Western Australia because they’ve got a state Liberal Government who won’t cough a third of their GST to Kevin for hospitals. They’re worried that if they don’t slow down the mining industry over there the WA economy will soon be bigger than the rest of Australia.

The threat of the new mining tax has sent the Aussie dollar plunging. Wayne has single-handedly already increased the cost of our Fiji holiday by ten percent. I feel like sending him the bill.

Then he has the absolute gall to say that his super profits tax will be good for the mining industry because it will slow things down. I mean doesn’t the clown understand it will also slow his super tax receipts down? I think Wayne’s losing it.

I’ve written a letter to Kevin suggesting that Wayne should have some time off to export himself to China.

We discussed the super profits tax at the Obama Fan Club this week. Marge who is an even bigger Kevin supporter than I am thinks that Wayne’s doing all this because he goes on holiday to Noosa and the falling dollar doesn’t affect him.

Mavis’ cousin works down a mine and says if Kevin is right and our minerals belong to all Australians why won’t they let him take home his share every night?

Albert thinks Wayne is a financial genius and compared with Albert he probably is.

I feel so strongly about it that I’ve also written to Kevin warning him that a super profits tax will put an end to super profits. Although I must say that if Twiggy Forrest’s bank balance becomes as slim as that other Twiggy it won’t fuss me too much.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »

Polls Apart - Friday, May 21st, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

21st May 2010

Dear Mr. President,

You’re not going to believe this. Kevin’s approval ratings are going down faster than Neville’s first can of VB. I’m worried that by the time you visit him next month he wont have any left.

How people can turn against this hero who rescued us from the global financial crisis goodness only knows. It would be like Parra supporters razzing Jarryd Hayne after he destroyed the Manly silvertails last Monday.

I don’t know about you but sometimes I can’t decide whether to believe these polls or not. They were obviously spot on when they showed Kevin’s numbers going through the roof faster than an insulation fire but now nothing seems to have changed and suddenly he’s on the nose everywhere.

Well the Obama Fan Club has had enough of this nonsense. We decided to set the record straight with our own poll.

We polled fifty people representative of a broad cross section of our community at Beauthaven RSL, Parra Leagues and the Obama Fan Club. The results will absolutely gobsmack you.

On the question of preferred prime minister there were forty votes for Kevin, eight for Julia, one for our Mavis’ Bert and none for Tony. One guy voted for Fuifui Moimoi but we declared it invalid.

I’m not yet sure about Julia because she’s a bit on the left side for me. Wonderful woman though. And I have to admit that communism seems to be more fashionable these days but you’d know all about that.

The next question was ‘do you approve of Kevin’s hospitals policy or Tony’s non-policy?’ The result was forty-nine to one in favour of Kevin. The person who voted for Tony suffers Chronic Kevin Syndrome. Every time he hears Kevin speak he loses touch with reality and has to be rushed to a funny farm.

Then we asked ‘are you in favour of Kevin’s super profits tax topping up your super?’ There were only two votes against from guys who are miners. I wont tell you where they said Kevin could stick his super profits tax but even mining companies who dig deep into the bowels of the earth wouldn’t be keen to dig it out from there.

Our next question ‘how would you rate Kevin’s handling of the home insulation scheme, inspiring, brilliant or competent’ (tick one)’ met with a most unfortunate response. We didn’t pursue it after a woman at Parra Leagues whose roof had caught fire yelled out that Kevin couldn’t organise a product trial in a condom factory.

The response to ‘how do you rate Julia’s handling of the BER programme?’ was also disappointing. Our local school in Beauthaven was promised a COLA but it turned out to be a covered outside lavatory area. I had to admit that’s hardly the way to put bums on seats.

Finally we asked ‘if there was a federal election tomorrow, who would you vote for?’ Two said Labor, one said the Coalition and forty-seven said they’d need more time to make up their mind.

So our poll proved conclusively that the polls in the papers have got it all wrong about Kevin. I’ll send him a copy of our results to give him a bit of encouragement.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo,
President

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 2 Comments »

The Sweet And Sour Budget - Friday, May 14th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

14th May 2010

Dear Mr. President,

I don’t know whether you’ve met Wayne Swan but I’ve always thought he was not a bad sort of bloke and I loved the way he used to stick it up John Howard and Peter Costello.

He seemed to me like a poor man’s Kevin, although the way Kevin’s travelling at the moment he’ll soon become a poor man’s Wayne.

There’s always been something about Wayne that I’ve never quite sussed. It’s not so much he’s a Swan with duck’s disease because I’ve got nothing against small men but I’ve always found him just a bit too bumptious and a little too much of the try-hard. Know what I mean?

But his budget this week changed all that. He’s been promoted to my A list.

It’s obvious to people like me who are students of politics that this was the first Australian budget developed in cooperation with the Chinese. Wayne cleverly got them to underwrite his budget by persuading them to buy mountains of iron ore without a discount.

And the Chinese don’t mind about Wayne pocketing most of the miner’s profits because they’re pissed at having to pay them a packet for iron ore when all they do is dig it out of the ground.

I daresay as a reciprocal gesture Wayne is helping the Chinese government sort out their budget and Kevin’s translating all his stuff. What a team.

Wayne did rabbit on a bit about how Australia’s economic resurgence is all thanks to him and Kevin. You’d think he’d give a bit of the credit to China.

This new arrangement means if the budget turns out to be a monumental disaster Wayne can blame China as well as John Howard.

Source: SMH

Source: SMH

At the end of his budget speech Wayne was kissed by Julia. For the life of me I can’t think why but it vividly reminded me of the that film ‘The Kiss of the Spider Woman’.

Actually Wayne does have a fallback position even if the bucks from China dry up. He could increase the price of smokes by ten dollars and put a picture of himself on each packet with the slogan ‘Not smoking can cause the Treasurer a heart attack’.

One thing I could kiss Wayne for is reducing those interminable hours I have to spend on tax returns. I have to do all ours since Neville was fined for making a false declaration. He claimed his Eels season ticket was a charitable contribution to the disabled.

Wayne promised the budget will be in surplus in three years but I hope the Chinese understand what he’s letting them in for.

A word of advice in case you’re intending to ask for a loan when you come here next month. I don’t think Wayne will have any spare until he starts excavating it from the mining companies. I’d advise going direct to China like you usually do.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo,
President

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »

« Older Entries