Posts Tagged ‘Gaelene Woo’
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
11th June 2010
Dear Mr. President,
Look we quite understand why you had to can your visit to Australia again so don’t be embarrassed will you.
Frankly its not a good time for Kevin. He’s in a terrible tizz at the moment about whether he should run the mining industry or whether they should run him.
If you ask me I think it will end up with Kevin being undermined. Sorry, I just can’t help myself sometimes.
Kevin’s problem is he’s getting a bit stale. He hasn’t been overseas since Copenhagen – I think that put him off junkets – but the longer he stays in Australia the more his poll numbers go down.
Perhaps you could invite him over for a gabfest in Washington. It would freshen him up a bit and he’s good at talking. It’s only when he tries to do things that the rot seems to set in.
He might be able to help you with all that glug in the Gulf of Mexico caused by British Petroleum or Pommy Petrol as we call them over here.
Admittedly he’s pretty hopeless at cleaning up his own messes but he might have better luck with somebody else’s.
The latest poll numbers look so bad for Kevin that there’s talk of Julia or Tony Abbott getting the job.
Neville said that if Tony becomes prime minister it would be like a hooker being appointed Minister for Social Services.
Julia’s such a wonderful woman but somehow I don’t see her as another Kevin. Truth to tell I’m a bit thingy about women lawyers. And what’s more she was a young Trotskyite who came from South Wales. I’m not holding all that against her of course but I’m surprised by her views on the super profits tax because she came over here as a miner.
Our Mavis’ Bert thinks she’ll become prime minister because she’s got more sex appeal than Kevin. Bert’s always had strange tastes in women though. You should see our Mavis.
Marge doesn’t like her health policies and questioned the position she’ll take with dentists. Fred said she’ll lie back and open her mouth like everyone else.
Albert said it would be like having Madam Lash as prime minister. But he’d line up for a spanking don’t you worry.
Mildred said it would be great to have a prime minister who is single because then we’d be clear about who’s running the country.
Mavis thought it would be lovely to have Julia in the Lodge with her partner the haircare specialist. When they entertain you and Michelle he could give her a rinse and blow-dry and she could give you a few hairy moments.
My view it that if Kevin fails to mine the super profits tax his poll numbers will fall faster than a cage down a mineshaft. On the other hand if Julia doesn’t fix the BER mess she’ll be sent back to school for lessons in an uncovered outside learning area during a snowstorm.
You know what I think? You should make that trip over here as soon as possible. After a few days with Kevin, Julia and Tony you’ll even look forward to getting back to that Pommy Petrol problem.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: BER, British Petroleum, Coperhagen, Gaelene Woo, Julia Gillard humour, Kevin Rudd satire, Madam Lash, Obama Fan Club, Obama satire, super profits tax, Tony Abbott satire
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
28th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I’m terribly worried abut Wayne. He’s come up with this budget which all depends on gouging squillions out of the mining industry and I think he’s totally stuffed it.
This Hooray Henry bloke did a review of the Aussie Tax System and comes up with a hundred and thirty odd recommendations to reduce the number of taxes and one to introduce a new one. And so what do you think Wayne does? You’ve guessed it. He ignores the one hundred and thirty odd recommendations but introduces the new tax.
Even Tony Abbott could see that was asking for trouble let alone Blind Freddie.
Wayne is promising to do all sorts of wonderful things on corporate tax and super and save us from debt with money he hasn’t got and doesn’t look like getting. It’s like me promising to buy Neville a brewery from my winnings when the Eels win the premiership in September.
I can’t believe dear Kevin agreed to all this. He must have been smoking something.
Believe me I’m not a fan of the mining companies, but if Wayne carries on with this super profits thing they’ll soon be exporting themselves rather than iron ore.
Then a crack will appear in Wayne’s bottom line and he’ll start crapping over all of us.
I think Kevin and Wayne are actually trying to kibosh Western Australia because they’ve got a state Liberal Government who won’t cough a third of their GST to Kevin for hospitals. They’re worried that if they don’t slow down the mining industry over there the WA economy will soon be bigger than the rest of Australia.
The threat of the new mining tax has sent the Aussie dollar plunging. Wayne has single-handedly already increased the cost of our Fiji holiday by ten percent. I feel like sending him the bill.
Then he has the absolute gall to say that his super profits tax will be good for the mining industry because it will slow things down. I mean doesn’t the clown understand it will also slow his super tax receipts down? I think Wayne’s losing it.
I’ve written a letter to Kevin suggesting that Wayne should have some time off to export himself to China.
We discussed the super profits tax at the Obama Fan Club this week. Marge who is an even bigger Kevin supporter than I am thinks that Wayne’s doing all this because he goes on holiday to Noosa and the falling dollar doesn’t affect him.
Mavis’ cousin works down a mine and says if Kevin is right and our minerals belong to all Australians why won’t they let him take home his share every night?
Albert thinks Wayne is a financial genius and compared with Albert he probably is.
I feel so strongly about it that I’ve also written to Kevin warning him that a super profits tax will put an end to super profits. Although I must say that if Twiggy Forrest’s bank balance becomes as slim as that other Twiggy it won’t fuss me too much.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, China, falling Australian dollar, Gaelene Woo, GST, Henry Tax Review, hospitals, Kevin Rudd, Liberal Government, mining tax, Obama Fan Club, super profits tax, Tony Abbott, Twiggy Forrest, Wayne Swan
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
21st May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
You’re not going to believe this. Kevin’s approval ratings are going down faster than Neville’s first can of VB. I’m worried that by the time you visit him next month he wont have any left.
How people can turn against this hero who rescued us from the global financial crisis goodness only knows. It would be like Parra supporters razzing Jarryd Hayne after he destroyed the Manly silvertails last Monday.
I don’t know about you but sometimes I can’t decide whether to believe these polls or not. They were obviously spot on when they showed Kevin’s numbers going through the roof faster than an insulation fire but now nothing seems to have changed and suddenly he’s on the nose everywhere.
Well the Obama Fan Club has had enough of this nonsense. We decided to set the record straight with our own poll.
We polled fifty people representative of a broad cross section of our community at Beauthaven RSL, Parra Leagues and the Obama Fan Club. The results will absolutely gobsmack you.
On the question of preferred prime minister there were forty votes for Kevin, eight for Julia, one for our Mavis’ Bert and none for Tony. One guy voted for Fuifui Moimoi but we declared it invalid.
I’m not yet sure about Julia because she’s a bit on the left side for me. Wonderful woman though. And I have to admit that communism seems to be more fashionable these days but you’d know all about that.
The next question was ‘do you approve of Kevin’s hospitals policy or Tony’s non-policy?’ The result was forty-nine to one in favour of Kevin. The person who voted for Tony suffers Chronic Kevin Syndrome. Every time he hears Kevin speak he loses touch with reality and has to be rushed to a funny farm.
Then we asked ‘are you in favour of Kevin’s super profits tax topping up your super?’ There were only two votes against from guys who are miners. I wont tell you where they said Kevin could stick his super profits tax but even mining companies who dig deep into the bowels of the earth wouldn’t be keen to dig it out from there.
Our next question ‘how would you rate Kevin’s handling of the home insulation scheme, inspiring, brilliant or competent’ (tick one)’ met with a most unfortunate response. We didn’t pursue it after a woman at Parra Leagues whose roof had caught fire yelled out that Kevin couldn’t organise a product trial in a condom factory.
The response to ‘how do you rate Julia’s handling of the BER programme?’ was also disappointing. Our local school in Beauthaven was promised a COLA but it turned out to be a covered outside lavatory area. I had to admit that’s hardly the way to put bums on seats.
Finally we asked ‘if there was a federal election tomorrow, who would you vote for?’ Two said Labor, one said the Coalition and forty-seven said they’d need more time to make up their mind.
So our poll proved conclusively that the polls in the papers have got it all wrong about Kevin. I’ll send him a copy of our results to give him a bit of encouragement.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: BER, COLA, Eels, Gaelene Woo, global financial crisis, healthcare reform, home insulation scheme, hospitals, Jarryd Hayne, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Newspoll, super profits tax
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
14th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I don’t know whether you’ve met Wayne Swan but I’ve always thought he was not a bad sort of bloke and I loved the way he used to stick it up John Howard and Peter Costello.
He seemed to me like a poor man’s Kevin, although the way Kevin’s travelling at the moment he’ll soon become a poor man’s Wayne.
There’s always been something about Wayne that I’ve never quite sussed. It’s not so much he’s a Swan with duck’s disease because I’ve got nothing against small men but I’ve always found him just a bit too bumptious and a little too much of the try-hard. Know what I mean?
But his budget this week changed all that. He’s been promoted to my A list.
It’s obvious to people like me who are students of politics that this was the first Australian budget developed in cooperation with the Chinese. Wayne cleverly got them to underwrite his budget by persuading them to buy mountains of iron ore without a discount.
And the Chinese don’t mind about Wayne pocketing most of the miner’s profits because they’re pissed at having to pay them a packet for iron ore when all they do is dig it out of the ground.
I daresay as a reciprocal gesture Wayne is helping the Chinese government sort out their budget and Kevin’s translating all his stuff. What a team.
Wayne did rabbit on a bit about how Australia’s economic resurgence is all thanks to him and Kevin. You’d think he’d give a bit of the credit to China.
This new arrangement means if the budget turns out to be a monumental disaster Wayne can blame China as well as John Howard.
Source: SMH
Actually Wayne does have a fallback position even if the bucks from China dry up. He could increase the price of smokes by ten dollars and put a picture of himself on each packet with the slogan ‘Not smoking can cause the Treasurer a heart attack’.
One thing I could kiss Wayne for is reducing those interminable hours I have to spend on tax returns. I have to do all ours since Neville was fined for making a false declaration. He claimed his Eels season ticket was a charitable contribution to the disabled.
Wayne promised the budget will be in surplus in three years but I hope the Chinese understand what he’s letting them in for.
A word of advice in case you’re intending to ask for a loan when you come here next month. I don’t think Wayne will have any spare until he starts excavating it from the mining companies. I’d advise going direct to China like you usually do.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Chinese Government, cigarette tax, Eels, Federal Budget, Gaelene Woo, iron ore, John Howard, Obama Fan Club, Peter Costello, President of US, President of USA, US President, Wayne Swan
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
7th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
You know how much I love Kevin but I can’t help feeling a bit shitty with him this week.
If there’s one thing Neville and I hate more than the Eels being beaten by Manly its doing tax returns. They’re such a damned nuisance and if you make a mistake the Tax Office treats you like a Manly supporter at Parramatta Stadium.
So when Kevin and Wayne got some Hooray Henry to do a review of the tax system ‘Hoo-bloody-ray’ I thought. He’s bound to find that we’re spending far too much time on being government tax agents and they’re nicking far too much tax off us.
Would you believe Hooray Henry made one hundred and thirty-eight recommendations to change the tax system and Kevin’s activated two.
I’m outraged. Not a single word of apology from anyone about taking up too much of our time filling in GSTs and BASs and taking too much tax off us, nor a word of thanks for all the thousands Neville and I have contributed over the years.
And I’ll tell you what really gets my goat. There was diddly-squat about checking whether the government wasting all that tax money. I hope they haven’t squandered my taxes on the crappy COLAs, batts and the ETS.
I used to think that Kevin wore a hard hat in case something fell on him at a building site but it’s just dawned on me that its because people are throwing stuff at him.
I’m so disappointed. I almost think the best thing Kevin could do for working families is bugger off. I’m sorry, I know I get carried away and I’ll probably love Kevin again next week because sure as hell I’ll never vote for that Tony Abbott.
And then if there wasn’t enough bad news this week Malcolm’s changed his mind about retiring. I must say however that I enjoyed his time as leader of the Coalition because Kevin hit record poll numbers as preferred prime minister.
But just imagine what it would be like if Tony became prime minister. They could shut the parliament in Canberra because his government would operate like the Tour de France.
If Julia’s got a Field Marshal’s baton in her knapsack now might be the time to dust it off and start conducting a few overtures to her Labor Party colleagues.
We didn’t have World Affairs Think Tank session this week because Mildred, who was supposed to organise it, went off for a dirty weekend with a St George supporter. That’s the only sort of weekend you can expect from that mob.
Sorry to hear about your oil problem. Our Mavis’ Bert knows a guy who works at BP but he didn’t think he could help.
Till next week.
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: BAS, BP, Coalition, COLA, ETS, Gaelene Woo, GST, Henry Tax Review, Julia Gillard, Labor Party, Malcolm Turnbull, Manly, Parramatta, Roger Pugh, St George, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
30th April 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I’m sure you’ve heard of ANZAC Day. It’s the time when all our brave lads who survived the wars go out to remember those who didn’t. But some of them like Neville get so hammered they forget what they’re supposed to remember.
This year they had a new fallen comrade. Neville was so pissed that on his way home he fell into a roadworks trench and cut his head. He reckons he should get a medal for being wounded in the trenches.
Anyway I had to rush him down to the hospital to get it stitched.
Kevin’s been rabbiting on for weeks about how he’s going to fix hospitals so I thought I’d check him out. When we got to the emergency department I told them we expected Kevin class service. They laughed their heads off, stuck a plaster on Neville’s head and made us wait five hours for the stitches. Tell you what, Kevin’s a great talker but when it comes to action he instantly reduced everyone in the hospital to stitches except of course poor old Neville.
I don’t know what it is with the Greens. Kevin said the greatest moral challenge of our time was to get into bed with the Greens on climate change. Following the events in Western Australia and Kevin’s decision to dump the ETS it seems the greatest moral challenge of our time is not to get into bed with the Greens.
David Bartlett and Troy Buswell should both reflect on the fact that the Greens policy is not to chop down trees only people.
The Club’s World Affairs Think Tank met this week to discuss a topic of profound global significance, “Who is the biggest pain in the arse in the world today?”
Fred started off proceedings by claiming it was me. Bloody cheek. Marge reckons its Tony Abbott because she can’t stand him but still gets dirty thoughts when she sees him in his tight-fitting lycra cycling gear.
Our Elsie’s brother Cyril reckons its Archbishop Pell because he’s a celibate bloke who presumes to advise women on what they should do with their bodies when he and his uncelibate mates are much more qualified.
Our Mavis’ Bert reckons it’s Julia Gillard (how could he?) because she’s been in love with Mark Latham, Kim Beazley, Tony Abbott and Craig Emerson and still blames John Howard for everything.
Mildred reckons its Warren Beatty because she was madly in love with him but it now turns out he’s slept with 29,999 others.
Madge reckons it’s a tie between Ahadinejad and Hugo Chavez because they’ve got their head so far up each others arses that when one of them farts he gives the other a stinking headache.
Marj reckons its Al Gore because he failed to warn us about the biggest disaster of all, himself.
I reckon it’s David Gallop the CEO of the NRL because despite all the letters I’ve written to him he still allows referees who hate the Eels to ruin our matches and he’s threatened me with a lifetime ban if I go out on the ground to advise them how to do it better.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Ahadinejad, Al Gore, ANZAC Day, Archbishop Pell, Craig Emerson, David Bartlett, David Gallop, Eels, ETS, Gaelene Woo, Hugo Chavez, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Kim Beazley, Mark Latham, NRL, the Greens, Tony Abbott, Troy Buswell, Warren Beatty
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
20th November 2009
Dear Mr President,
I can’t tell you how disappointed we all were that you didn’t make it down here from Singapore. Trust you had a nice chat with Kevin at APEC. I’m sure he would have told you some dirty jokes in Chinese to help you liven up the discussions with Unowho in Beijing.
Your mates Tiger Woods and Britney Spears have both been here recently. Tiger seems to have no problem getting into holes and Britney’s got into one too because people complained that when she opens her mouth nothing comes out. Neville thought it was a marked improvement.
Kevin’s so humane. If those asylum seekers on the Oceanic Viking had defied me like they defied him they’d have been over the side and swimming to Indonesia before you could say ‘Bali Belly’.
Kevin has not had much luck with solutions recently. The Indonesian Solution was a dead loss because the Indonesians are much better at creating problems than solutions. The Macklin Solution for Aboriginal housing would have been better handled by Bob the Builder and the Wong/MacFarlane Solution for the ETS seems to have gone up in smoke. No-one’s head from Penny or Ian for weeks and Neville thinks they could have eloped.
At the Obama Fan Club meeting last Tuesday we went into a plenary session designed to provide solutions for you in Afghanistan. I couldn’t believe the sheer quality of the solutions we came up with. Mildred had a brilliant idea. She said that Osama and all the other terrorist heavies are in Pakistan so you should send the 40,000 troops there instead.
Godwin, who’s a new member, thought you should send 40,000 criminals to Afghanistan. He reckons that if Karzai can’t clear out the corruption at least it should be under US control.
My idea was to send over 40,000 copies of Sarah Palin’s new book. If the prospect of her becoming the next US President doesn’t scare the Taliban to death then nothing will.
You wouldn’t believe what’s happening in NSW government circles. Some of the ministers have been plotting against Nathan the premier so he’s been plotting against them. Now his plot’s worked better than their plot because he’s fired them but now they’ve started a counter plot to out-plot him. If you ask me they’ve all lost the plot.
It’s a big week or two for Malcolm on the ETS. He’s in deep trouble if Ian only manages to get agreement to a pennysworth of amendments.
Let me know if you would like more detail about our amazingly good solutions for Afghanistan. I’ll bet you don’t get anything half as good from that Axelrod guy.
I still can’t find anything out about New Zealand. I think they may have knocked off for Christmas.
By the way we’re planning a huge Obama Fan Club Christmas Party for the 22nd December. Please let me know if you can make it.
Till next week.
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Aboriginal housing, Afghanistan, APEC, Bali Belly, Barack Obama, Beijing, Bob the Builder, Britney Spears, Chinese, Christmas Island, ETS, Gaelene Woo, Godwin, Ian MacFarlane, Indonesian Solution, Karzai, Kevin Rudd, Macklin, Malcolm Turnbull, Nathan Rees, Obama, Obama Fan Club, Oceanic Viking, Osama Bin Laden, Penny Wong, Sarah Palin, Taliban, Tiger Woods
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
30th October 2009
Happy Halloween for tomorrow.
The Obama Fan Club held a special Halloween Party this week and you would have loved it.
Neville dressed up as George W in drag and you were unanimously voted our pumpkin of the year. Mildred told us a ghost story. She said that Deep Throat still haunts the streets of Washington. Neville was half sozzled and thought she was talking about Monica Lewinsky. He’s such an embarrassment sometimes.
Kevin’s got into the spirit of things by playing ‘trick or treat’ with the asylum seekers. If they choose ‘treat’ he sends them to Christmas Island and if they choose ‘trick’ he sends them back to Indonesia.
The son of a couple who Marge knows apparently got on the wrong boat in Indonesia and ended up at Christmas Island for a couple of weeks. He said it wasn’t too bad but the place was full of foreigners.
Kevin’s been off overseas again the little gadabout that he is. He went to the East Asian gabfest in Bangkok to convince all those countries over there that they are the asylums which the Sri Lankans are seeking and there’s no way they should come to a madhouse like Australia.
The weather here’s turned very cold again and that doesn’t help poor old Kevin with his ETS. He wont have much luck telling Malcolm where to shove his amendments if we’re all freezing to death. If we don’t get some warm weather soon I’m going to write to the UN suggesting the agenda for Copenhagen should be about increasing carbon emissions.
Thank goodness you haven’t caught swine flu yet. It can be very nasty. My cousin copped a bit of a dose but I wasn’t surprised because he’s had his snout in the trough for years. Marge is worried that the outbreak over there could make a right pig’s ear of your healthcare plan.
I loved watching Hillary threaten the Iranians the other day. But as I said to Neville if she scared them half as much as she scared me they’ll be heading down here in droves booking a trip with the people smugglers. The next time she threatens the Iranians could you please ask her to suggest they seek asylum in NZ. And it would help if they learn to say ‘baa’ before being interviewed by the Kiwi immigration crowd. Just kidding.
Have you noticed that our dollar is gaining in value against your dollar. Kevin says it’s all to do with the stimulus and building school halls. But I’ve got good news. It means that all the fund-raising stuff we do to help the US economy will result in even more US dollars to help you balance the budget.
Next month we’re planning a special Thanksgiving Day event which should raise at least US$500. You can tell Timothy Wotshisface that he can count on that in next month’s forecasts.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: asylum seekers, Bangkok, Barack Obama, carbon emissions trading, Christmas Island, Copenhagen, Deep Throat, ETS, Gaelene Woo, George Bush, George W Bush, Hillary Clinton, Indonesia, Iran, Kevin Rudd, Kiwis, Malcolm Turnbull, Monica Lewinsky, New Zealand, NZ, Obama Fan Club, Sri Lanka, stimulus, swine flu, UN
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White House,
Washington DC.,
14th August 09
Dear Mr President,
It’s been such a circus to get this newsletter out in time because Neville’s been poorly, but I know how much you depend on it.
You’re not going to believe this. Kevin’s obviously such a lovely man so I was absolutely gobsmacked to read in the paper that he’s got a nasty little temper and can be really aggro with people.
There’s got to be a logical explanation for his hissy fits I thought and then by crikey it hit me. Constipation. I’m positive he suffers from it because he gets that funny strained look from time to time.
It’s nothing to worry about. Next time he stays at the White House just make sure he gets a big bowl of all-bran and prunes for breakfast.
The Labor Party Conference in Sydney was a real pantomine. To tell the truth I couldn’t fathom what Kevin was raving on about but he was so inspiring.
The conference is an opportunity for the unions to tell Kevin how the run the country. It’s all the same old stuff about more pay, less hours, less watchdogs and having a say in absolutely everything. If I was Kevin I’d tell them to go and get whooped. Give those workers an inch and it would be hello again to the KGB and purges a thousand times more drastic than the one Kevin needs.
The club was sorry to hear your friend got arrested for breaking into his own home. Mildred wondered whether he had got confused and thought he was next door.
Still lots of excitement about that Ozcar business. What a hoot. How ridiculous was Malcolm when he told Kevin of all people to resign. Malcolm’s ok but he’s an eastern suburbs Liberal who can’t recognise a fake email, a genuine prime minister and what a goose he makes of himself sometimes.
The Pacific Islands’ heads of government gabfest was held in Cairns last week. It was such a shame Commodore Brontemarina wasn’t there because we love our holidays in Fiji. They gave him the big A because he’s not keen on elections but he claims he chucked out the last Fijian government because they were all chiefs and no Indians.
You will be absolutely rapt to know that the Obama Fan Club has officially endorsed your economic and healthcare policies by a vote of 15 to 1. The vote against was Elsie who actually had her hand up for a toilet break. I’ll send you a copy of the minutes. You can use it as a how-to-vote card for the Senate.
I thought the paper must be joking when it said the US could soon run out of money. They’ll say anything these days. But if ever you are short of a bob or two don’t hesitate to let me know. We can organise a collection and bring and buy sale for you no trouble at all.
Till next week.
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: ALP Conference 2009, Barack Obama, Gaelene Woo
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