Posts Tagged ‘George Bush’
Story No. 33
‘Mr President’ said Condi Rice ‘I would really like to meet Barney’
‘Oh really’ said George trying to stay nonchalant, ‘what makes you say that?’
‘When I was in the Oval Office last week’ said Condi ‘I happened to see a typed summary of the conversation you had with him. He came up with some fascinating ideas and I’d really welcome the chance to discuss them with him’
‘I’m afraid that would be difficult’ said George ‘Barney is the codename for an agent under deep cover in the Middle East’
I was a big fan of Condi’s and I could think of no-one with whom I’d prefer to discuss international affairs. In fact I’m almost sure it was me who recommended her for the Secretary of State gig in the first place. But George had stuffed up by leaving that summary lying around and now he was between a shock and a hard face.
‘Is there no way you can put us in contact?’ pleaded Condi ‘A conversation between us might prevent the Middle East going west’
‘I’ll see what if can do’ said George pensively
‘This is a right mess you’ve got us into’ I said to George later ‘what have you got in mind, sending her to the doghouse so we can have a yap?’
‘Calm down Barney’ said George ‘I know how to fix it. Condi and I have got a Middle East strategy meeting next Wednesday. I’ll pretend to call you in Afghanistan from there although actually I’ll be calling your kennel. Don’t worry, we’ve got away with this strategy before’
‘Should I arrange recordings of bombs and gunfire in the background?’ I asked
‘What a good idea’ said George ‘and remember you’ll be on the loudspeaker’
I always approached these cunning plans of George’s with a certain trepidation. Anyone who had stuffed Iraq as badly as George was likely to get confused and send Condi round for a chat in my kennel.
Next Wednesday the phone rang right on time and I started the bombs and gunfire CD in the background.
‘Hello’ I said ‘Agent Barney speaking’
‘Hello Agent Barney’ said George ‘this is the President speaking and I have with me Secretary of State Condi Rice who would like to discuss some points from that paper we put together’
‘Hello Agent Barney’ said Condi ‘it’s great to talk with you. Are you in a safe place?’
‘The Taliban are attacking’ I said midst a crescendo of gunfire ‘but we should be able to hold on here for a few minutes’
‘Agent Barney’ said Condi ‘I was most interested to read your brilliant plan for the US to take over all the poppy plantations in Afghanistan, set up a heroin plant and dump all the production in Iran’
‘It’s definitely a win-win’ I said ‘We pay the Afghan poppy farmers so they’re onside, their economy booms and Iran gets totally zonked out on free heroin’
‘Very exciting Agent Barney’ said Condi ‘With the permission of the President I plan to fly out immediately to Afghanistan and help you get things started’
‘Just a moment’ said George sensing that disaster was about to strike ‘That wont be possible because Agent Barney is transferring to Venezuela tomorrow to help overthrow Hugo Chavez’
‘That’s great’ said Condi ‘I’m going to Venezuela next week. I’ll meet Agent Barney there’
‘Sorry’ said George ‘he’s only there a couple of days then he has to return and go under deep cover in his kennel…sorry I mean at his base’
‘He seems to be an outstanding operator’ said Condi
‘I can assure you’ said George ‘that he’s a real terrier’
Tags: Afghanistan, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Condi Rice, Condoleezza Rice, George Bush, George W Bush, heroin plant, Hugo Chavez, Iran, Iraq, Middle East, Oval Office, poppy plantations, Secretary of State, the Taliban, Venezuela
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Story No. 32
‘Hello Barney’ said George ‘I’ve got an assignment for you’
I don’t know whether all dogs are as gifted as myself at sniffing trouble ahead but my internal alarm systems started to go off like a police car in hot pursuit.
‘I’m inviting you to this afternoon’s White House Garden Party’ he went on.
This sounded better. The White House Garden Party was a champagne and canapé catastrophe on the lawns for George’s fund raisers, sycophants, and poseurs in the Republican Party.
George loved this event because everyone told him he was the greatest president of all-time and he told them they were the greatest buddies a president could ever have. It was a leading contender for wank of the year.
‘Edgar Shortcrutch is coming this year’ said George ‘and he needs to be, you know, managed’
I did know. Edgar was one of Washington’s premier pains in the posterior region. He was a hot-gospeling television evangelist who gave big bucks to George’s campaigns but was always trying to lecture him on moral decay and barmy schemes like banning sex before thirty-five. This would be particularly unfair on dogs because we only live to eighteen.
‘The truth is’ said George ‘I need to avoid him this afternoon because he’s trying to get me to support his stupid Celebrate Celibate Campaign and it would be hard to say ‘no’ to his face after all the money he’s given me’
‘Why the hell did you invite him then?’ I asked
‘I wasn’t going to’ said George ‘but Dick insisted because he’s a member of Edgar’s congregation’
The thought of Dick Cheney celebrating celibacy rather appealed to me although it has come too late for all those people he’s seriously stuffed during his career.
‘Alright’ I said resignedly ‘what do you want me to do?’
‘Nothing much at all really’ said George ‘I just want you to keep an eye on Edgar at the Garden Party and keep me posted on his whereabouts so I can stay out of his way. I’m sorry I can’t ask my bodyguards to do this because they only specialise in terrorists and assassins and Edgar’s hardly in that league’
‘How do I communicate this info to you?’ I asked
‘Simple’ said George ‘I’ll get us both set up with a mini two-way voice system’
‘And don’t forget’ I said ‘to tell the lady on the hot-dog stand to toss me a chilli dog every time I go past’
A celebrity cast of thousands turned up to the Garden Party. I spotted Edgar as he arrived and tailed him around the lawns reporting frequently to George on his movements and really savouring the chilli dogs.
Then suddenly there was a glitch in the voice system and I lost contact with George. At that very moment I saw Edgar starting to make a bee-line in George’s direction.
The situation called for extreme emergency measures to protect the president. I knew my duty. I raced over and bit a huge chunk out of Edgar’s ankle. He collapsed in a screaming heap on the floor and I fled the scene in advance of calls by my enraged victim to have me put down.
‘You certainly did a job on Edgar’ said George later ‘his hospital bills will cost me a fortune’
‘I stopped him in his tracks though didn’t I? I said
‘I have to hand it to you Barney’ said George ‘mission accomplished. So I’ve brought you a dozen chilli dogs and rejected calls to have you put down. I’d no idea you could be so aggressive’
‘Well now you know George’ I said ‘my bite’s much worse than my bark’
Tags: Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Dick Cheney, George Bush, George W Bush, Republican Party, White House
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Story No. 31
‘Now then Barney’ said George ‘I need your advice on my Inauguration Speech. I was thinking about a triumphal address with the theme ‘bury Kerry and downwards with Edwards’
‘Come on George’ I said ‘this is no time to be vindictive. It calls for magnanimity in victory. Kerry and Edwards may be the biggest non-event since the Bay of Pigs but this is a time of healing to proclaim a presidency which will not only unite the peoples of America but of the whole world’
‘Good heavens’ said George ‘where on earth did you get that bullshit from? You must have been watching old Ronald Reagan B movies’
‘No George’ I said ‘it was part of my acceptance address when I was elected Chief Barker at the Top Dog Congress last year. Of course I was talking about dogs but I believe there’s no reason why people can’t also come together in a civilized way’
‘Don’t get me wrong here Barney’ said George ‘I’m talking about a speech which reinforces my reputation as leader of the free world’
‘Yes I know’ I said ‘but it’s a question of whether you want to come across as just having won the Denver dwarf-throwing final or the US Presidency’
‘I see what you mean’ said George ‘reconciliator rather than terminator’
‘Right on George’ I said ‘your theme should be leading the world to a new era of freedom and democracy’
‘I like it’ said George ‘no people will live under the yoke of tyranny while I’m in office’
‘Except’ I said ‘Al Qaeda, the Washington Press Gallery, the Clintons, North Korea, Iran, Al Gore, the Taliban, left wing loonies in Hollywood, Michael Moore and Don Rumsfeld’
‘Why Don Rumsfeld?’ Asked George
‘Because he’s too dangerous to allow out on his own’ I responded ‘and what’s more he’s a racist. I heard him tell someone that he didn’t like Scottish Terriers’
‘I shall reassure everyone who has lost their freedom’ said George ‘that I shall not rest until their democratic rights are restored’
‘What about the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay?’ I asked
‘Oh they’re different’ said George ‘they’re not people they’re terrorists’
‘Osama bin Laden and Nancy Pelosi don’t agree’ I said ‘and what about all those guys renditioned by the CIA to covert overseas arm-twisting centres?’
‘Well only because that sort of thing isn’t allowed in the US’ said George ‘You’re not on their side are you?’
‘No George’ I said ‘it’s just that when I see Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz together sometimes I need to remind myself that we’re on the side of the good guys’
‘Ok’ said George ‘so my Inauguration Speech will be about freedom and democracy for ninety-nine percent of people’
‘Ninety-eight point eight’ I said ‘I forgot that the Chicago Democrats are a terrorist organisation’
Tags: Al Gore, Al Qaeda, Bay of Pigs, Bill Clinton, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Chicago Democrats, CIA, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Guantanamo Bay, Hillary Clinton, Iran, John Edwards, John Kerry, Nancy Pelosi, Osama Bin Laden, rendition, Roger Pugh, Ronald Reagan, Taliban, Wolfowitz
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Story No. 30
There was no holding George after he won a second term. He was like a dog with three or four tails. I was frightened he might do something stupid like another ‘Mission Accomplished’ thing on an aircraft carrier.
Frankly I don’t think he had much to beat. Kerry and Edwards would struggle to get elected as candidates for the communist party in China. Karl Rove did a pretty good job on George’s campaign but if I’d been in charge he’d have won by a mile.
‘George’ I said ‘this is a big opportunity for you to go down in the annals of history as a bold visionary President’
‘What do you mean?’ asked George
‘Well’ I said ‘you’ve got the gig for another four years, you don’t have to worry about re-election so you can throw a few Hail Mary passes and swing at a few first pitches’
‘What sort of things did you have in mind?’ asked George
‘For a start’ I said ‘you could open a university specialising in politics and only allow graduates to contest elections’
‘Why?’ asked George ‘I didn’t need a degree in politics. I learned everything from my dad’
‘That’s my point’ I said ‘he told you to go all the way to Baghdad and look where it got you. And we’d have been spared Dick Cheney as vice-president because the only thing he could ever graduate in is grievous bodily harm’
‘Anything else Barney’ asked George sarcastically
‘Yes’ I said ‘you’ve got to do something about Hispanic illegal immigrants’
‘Why?’ asked George ‘are they trafficking drugs?’
‘The problem as I’ve told you before’ I said ‘is they’re becoming citizens and voting Democrat’
‘That’s serious’ said George ‘what on earth can we do?’
‘Easy ‘I said ‘offer free flights from Mexico and instant citizenship to illegal immigrants prepared to join the Republican Party and any illegal immigrants already here who don’t carry a Republican Party membership card should immediately be sent home’
‘Isn’t that profiling or racist or something?’ asked George
‘No’ I said ‘it’s a new type of Mexican Wave called Good-bye’
‘Brilliant’ said George now much more enthusiastic’ anything else?’
‘Yes’ I said ‘you’ve got to reform Wall St.’
‘Why’ asked George ‘are they sitting on the fence or are the bulls becoming too bearish?’
‘They’re charging like wounded bulls’ I said ‘but in 2000 you proved you can put the knife in without being Gored’
‘Ole’ said George
‘And one more thing’ I said ‘You’ve got to do something about this country’s image abroad. They all think we’re a pack of arrogant, warmongering, overbearing bullies’
‘I’ll soon fix that ‘said George ‘I’ll do a ‘Mission Accomplished’ world tour’
‘No George’ I said ‘that’s the point. You should do a ‘Mission Not Accomplished’ world tour’
‘How about if I went over to Tehran’ said George ‘and as a goodwill gesture helped open a McDonalds franchise’
‘George’ I said ‘I think you’d get fried with that’
Tags: Baghdad, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, China, Dick Cheney, George Bush, George W Bush, Hispanic illegal immigrants, illegal immigrants, John Edwards, John Kerry, Karl Rove, Mexican Wave, Republican Party, Roger Pugh, trafficking drugs, Wall St
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Story No. 29
‘Congratulations George’ I said ‘on your re-election. I cant’ believe so many people voted for Kerry. And as for John Edwards he couldn’t get a gig as a gigolo in a sex addiction clinic for women’
‘Thanks Barney’ said George ‘and I’m particularly grateful for your brilliant contributions to my campaign’
‘You bet’ I said ‘does this mean I’m retained as a senior advisor for the next four years?’
‘Definitely’ said George
‘I’m honoured’ I said ‘but there’s one or two points I’d like to discuss. It has come to my attention that Karl Rove your other senior advisor makes far more than I do’
‘That’s right’ said George ‘but there’s no such concept as equal pay for dogs. Karl is highly paid but I guarantee that no dog in the US is better off than you’
‘Well’ I said ‘here’s my ambit claim. Fillet steak at least once a week, weekly full body grooming at the Pet Pampering Palace, a new fifty-two inch TV set to fit in my kennel, a new computer with six gigabarks and regular bonking with the hotties I find on the on-line Doggy Dating Service’
‘Good heavens Barney’ said George ‘Ok but I’m not sure how I’m going to arrange White House passes for your doggy dates. If I can arrange for you to slip out through the back gate that should ensure you get it away’
‘Agreed’ I said ‘I’ll have the contract ready for you to sign tomorrow. Now in regard to setting policies for the next four years you’ve got to do something about the economy’
‘Why?’ asked George ‘its booming’
‘Listen carefully’ I said ‘Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae are handing out far too many mortgages to people who haven’t got a republican’s chance in San Francisco of paying them back’
‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘Alan Greenspan’s telling me there are no problems. Don’t tell me you know better than him’
‘George’ I said ‘Alan doesn’t have my nose for things. I’m sensing a stink around Freddie and Fannie that I haven’t smelled since Kenneth Lay came to the White House just before Enron went down the toilet in 2001. I couldn’t tell you because we weren’t on speaking terms back then’
‘Look Barney’ said George ‘I don’t know what I can do. I can hardly get you and Alan together for a chat’
‘Mark my words’ I said ‘if you go on like this there’s a crash coming sometime in the next four years and it will stuff your approval rating and stuff any chance of a Republican running the 2009 election’
‘Where on earth do you get all this stuff from?’ asked George
‘I just dog on to the internet’ I said ‘and chat to underground terrier groups all over the world. And by the way George talking of terriers its high time you sorted out that mob in Iraq. I agree with Dick Cheney for a change. It’s time for a surge’
‘Goodness Barney’ said George ‘if you’ve started to agree with Dick perhaps I should get you two together’
‘Thank you George’ I said ‘but I’ve only just got rid of the fleas and the last thing I need is a dose of the worms’
Tags: Alan Greenspan, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Dick Cheney, Enron, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, George Bush, George W Bush, Iraq, John Edwards, John Kerry, Karl Rove, Kenneth Lay, Republicans, sex addiction clinic, White House
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Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was going to London this week to cover the UK election but we decided not to risk him flying through all that volcanic ash. Instead we sent him to the White House where he landed on a conference room wall just as the President was discussing with two of his top generals how to reduce the US nuclear stockpile. He’s just filed this exclusive report.
Congratulations Mr President’ said Walt ‘on your leadership at the Nuclear Security Summit’
‘Appreciate that Walt’ said Obama ‘I’ve called you and Duke here today to discuss plans for the first step in our nuclear arms reduction programme’
‘Mr President, you’re not actually going to start destroying plutonium are you?’ asked Duke anxiously ‘Walt and I thought you would just want to hide it in a much more obscure location’
‘I’ve given my word to Russia and the rest of the world that we will destroy enough plutonium for seventeen thousand nuclear weapons’ said Obama ‘and Russia has promised to do the same’
‘You can’t trust Russia’ said Walt ‘they’ll hide it for sure. They’re on a par with Venezuela, North Korea, Iran, Syria and New Zealand’
‘Why New Zealand?’ asked Obama
‘I don’t trust All Blacks who use the bomb effectively because it can have a knock-on effect’ said Walt ‘ Duke and I feel strongly that we should drop a nuke on each of those countries just as a warning’
‘Come on you guys’ said Obama ‘I’ve just won the Nobel Peace Prize. I can’t go around nuking everybody just because they remind me of George W. Bush’
‘Mr President’ said Duke ‘here’s the bottom line. If you’re the world’s superpower you’ve got to flaunt it. If you don’t nuke everyone while you’ve got the chance sure as hell one day they’ll nuke you’
‘But I believe in the power of negotiation’ said Obama
‘Forget it Mr President’ said Walt ‘persuading Ahmadinejad to drop his nuclear development is like trying to convince Al Gore that his arse is freezing over’
‘But in some things you have to be more nuanced’ said Obama ‘like the military’s don’t ask don’t tell policy’
‘Mr President’ said Walt ‘I don’t ask because I can tell’
‘Look guys’ said Obama ‘I take decisive military action when it is needed like the surge in Afghanistan’
‘What we need in Afghanistan’ said Duke ‘is not a surge but Armageddon’
‘Please understand’ said Obama ‘that President Medvedev and I have not only pledged to reduce nuclear weapons but also to work towards complete nuclear disarmament in four years’
‘Mr President’ said Walt ‘please tell me you’re joking. If we lose nuclear weapons, bang goes our superpower status and we’re reduced to being as impotent as everyone else. Can’t we keep a few nukes hidden away just in case?’
‘Absolutely not’ said Obama ‘now what’s your plan for getting rid of the plutonium?’
‘Got a great idea Mr President’ said Duke ‘why don’t we sell it to Ahmadinejad for squillions and arrange to detonate it by remote control when he takes delivery’
Tags: Ahmadinejad, Al Gore, All Blacks, Barack Obama, George Bush, George W Bush, Guy the Fly, Iran, New Zealand, Nobel Peace Prize, North Korea, Nuclear Security Summit, President of USA, Russia, Syria, US President, Venezuela, volcanic ash, White House
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Story No. 28
George was never much of a one for going abroad. He believed that everything good and great in the world was either in Washington or Texas and there didn’t seem much point in travelling overseas to second rate places. America had simply taken their opera, their cars, their pizzas, their fashions and their French fries and made them much better.
So it was something of a surprise at one of our Monday morning review meetings when George announced that he was going on another state visit to the UK because after the last one he vowed he’d never go again.
He got really hostile when they made him travel in a slow horse-drawn coach rather than a limo and apparently the Queen got really uppity when he described their talks as Biz with Liz.
‘You’ll be fine George’ I reassured him ‘it was just unfortunate that you were briefed on the royal protocols for the last visit by B.B.King.
‘It was all so medieval’ said George ‘the royal family was living in castles hundreds of years old. You’d have thought they could afford something more modern’
‘Why are you doing another trip there?’ I asked
‘Well’ he said ‘Tony asked me over and I need his support in the Middle East’
‘So that’s it’ I thought ‘you scratch my back in the Middle East and I’ll scratch yours in London’. I reflected that I didn’t need my back scratching any more after the vet treated me with flea powder. I’m sure I caught them off Tony Blair.
‘All you need to do’ I explained patiently ‘is chat amiably with the Queen about her interests and her family’
‘Ok then’ said George ‘what do you suggest?’
‘First of all’ I said ‘the Queen loves horses and dogs, so your best bet is to take me’
‘No way’ said George ‘they wont have you on Air Force One again after the fuss you kicked up last time about the food’
‘That wasn’t food’ I said ‘it was the leftovers from Dick Cheney’s dinner and that’s not fit for human consumption let alone me. Ok so you’ll have to talk to the Queen about her kids. Her eldest is Charles who talks to trees’
‘How old is he’ asked George
‘I don’t know’ I said ‘you’ll have to chop off his leg and count the rings. Then there’s Anne who is into horses’
‘Is she married?’ asked George
‘Not sure’ I said ‘ I think she’s got a trainer instead. Then there was Andrew who’s pursuing a career in sex’
‘Is he doing alright?’ asked George
‘I think he’s making ends meet’ I said ‘Next there’s Edward but don’t mention him or Fergie or Camilla or Diana or Diana’s family because the Queen will get a royal flush. Oh and by the way when she says ‘we’ she just means herself’
‘Why’s that?’ asked George
‘It dates back to the time when people thought she was a pop group’ I said.
Tags: B.B.King, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Camilla, Diana, Fergie, George Bush, George W Bush, Middle East, Texas, The Queen, Tony Blair, Washington
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Story No: 27
‘Do you know Barney’ said George ‘there are people around who think I’m not going to win this election’
‘Thank heavens’ I thought to myself ‘he’s finally got the message’
George had been living in the White House cocoon for months signing papers and chatting to other heads of state and blissfully unaware that a large body of opinion in the country perceived another four years with him as President would be like playing a whole season for Detroit Lions.
‘The Democrats are calling me all sorts of names’ he went on ‘like dumbass, dimwit and dickless’
‘I wouldn’t worry about it George’ I said ‘I’ve heard them say far worse than that. After all everyone makes mistakes like you referring to the leader of Al Qaeda as Osama Bin Garden’
‘I did it on purpose’ said George ‘because he’s a big piece of dirt’
‘And what about when you asked the Pope if he’s a Catholic?’ I said
‘Well’ said George ‘Dick Cheney asked me that question when I asked him if he was interested in Iraqi oil and I didn’t know the answer’
‘What did the Pope say?’ I asked
‘Oh he just asked me if I was a republican’ said George ‘I said yes but confessed I’d forgotten to pay my annual party membership fee and I had to say two Hail Marys’
‘Look George’ I said ‘the problem is that John Kerry claims you don’t know what you’re doing in Iraq and Afghanistan’
‘That’s not true’ said George ‘Don Rumsfeld briefed me yesterday’
‘It’s just that things seem to be drifting a bit in Afghanistan’ I said
‘I’m waiting for Pakistan to step up to the plate’ said George
‘Sorry George’ I said ‘they play cricket in Pakistan so they don’t step up to the plate they go in to bat’
‘Ok’ said George ‘and I’m waiting for Spain to go in to bat in Iraq’
‘No George’ I said ‘they do bull fighting in Spain so they grab the bull by the horns’
‘Look’ said George ‘do you mind if we stick with stepping up to the plate. All this foreign stuff confuses me. It’s like travelling with the Redskins to away matches’
‘George’ I said ‘the key to winning this election is presenting you as the terrorist terminator and John Kerry as a wimp who showboats rather than swiftboats’
‘How does Dick Cheney stack up against John Edwards?’ asked George
‘What a question’ I thought ‘it was like comparing Planet of the Apes with Sex Lies and Videotape’
‘I think he stacks up ok’ I said ‘Dick takes a bit off the top while John likes a bit on the side’
‘Look’ said George ‘I know I’m not perfect but at least I don’t crap on the White House lawn like you’
‘George’ I said ‘I only do it because you’re not allowed to and only because the lawn needs fertilising or Dick Cheney walks past’
‘All of us who make it to the top in politics have crosses to bear’ said George ‘for example Hillary’s got a Bill she can’t settle and she’s had to pay it over and over again’
‘Blimey’ I thought ‘George has suddenly become both a wit and a philosopher. He might win this election after all’
Tags: Al Qaeda, Bill Clinton, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Democrats, Detroit Lions, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Hillary Clinton, Iraqi oil, John Edwards, Osama Bin Laden, Pakistan, President of USA, The Pope, US President, White House
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Story No. 26
‘As you know Barney’ said George ‘I’ve been unanimously adopted as the Republican candidate for a second term as president. I need your help with my acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention’
I had to admit that Karl Rove was a dab hand at pulling election campaigns together, but George obviously wanted me to add a touch of finesse.
‘That’s easy George’ I said ‘all you need do is promise to keep the country safe from terrorists, keep dollars in everyone’s pocket and be kind to animals’
It wasn’t something I could get too excited about. There was zero chance the Convention would reject George as their candidate and the delegates would applaud and scream ecstatically even if he told them all to go and get nicked.
‘You know Barney’ said George ‘I feel the need to reach out to every American citizen, to outline my vision of a truly great nation of which they can all feel proud’
‘Sorry George’ I said ‘that’s lead balloon stuff. We’re already a truly great nation but citizens like me can hardly be proud at the prospect of Dick Cheney as vice-president for another four years’
‘But the country is expecting great things of me’ said George
‘Look George’ I said ‘I’ve told you before that you don’t promise great things because people will only get disappointed. You’ve got to understand that politicians don’t do great things; they rather recognise great things when they see them and claim all the credit’
‘What about healthcare’ asked George hopefully ‘Karl thinks that might be an area to concentrate on’
‘Well I suppose you could say something about reforming health insurance’ I said ‘your mates in the industry are getting away with murder. You can bet John Kerry will be promising healthcare reforms he hasn’t got a hope in Harlem of delivering. How about promising to force health insurance companies to insure people who are sick?’
‘Are you kidding?’ said George ‘that would be like forcing people to buy clapped out old cars’
‘Ok’ I said ‘how about closing the border with Mexico?’
‘No way’ said George ‘that would stop all that cheap labour coming here’
‘Yes’ I said ‘but what you’re getting as well is cheap drugs and drug-pushers. The border will soon become known as Cocaine Crossing’
‘I should say something about foreign policy’ said George ‘perhaps I should get closer to Tony Blair’
‘You have to be joking’ I said ‘even the UK Labor Party is trying to distance themselves from him. Your foreign policy priority is to destroy terrorism wherever it raises its ghastly head whether its in Iraq, Afghanistan or the John Kerry for President Committee.
‘Right on Barney’ said George ‘now we’re getting somewhere. Anything else I should mention?’
‘Yes’ I said ‘just remind the convention that Kerry’s married to the Heinz baked beans heiress. That’s why he’s so full of wind’.
Tags: Afghanistan, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Cocaine, Cocaine Crossing, Dick Cheney, full of wind, George Bush, George W Bush, health insurance, healthcare, Heinz, Iraq, John Kerry, Mexico, President, President of USA, Republican, Terrorism, Tony Blair, UK Labor Party, Wind power
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Story No. 25
‘Barney’ said George ‘you’ve been selected for an undercover mission of the utmost strategic priority’
‘Oh no’ I thought ‘not another’. I got away with the last one when I fooled Dick and Don over the phone. But this had the ominous feel of some really heavy stuff.
‘I wouldn’t ask you’ said George ‘but you are the only one I know with the courage, resourcefulness and unique talent this mission demands’
Now I knew I was in the deep and smelly stuff
‘The fact is Barney’ said George ‘I face an election in a month or two and I’ve received reports that the Democrats are planning a dirty tricks campaign against me’
‘You don’t mean’ I said ‘they’re planning to reveal details of that meeting you had with Osama Bin Laden to plan 9/11’
‘Nothing like that’ said George ‘they’re planning to release false information casting aspersions on my military service record’
‘Good heavens’ I said ‘don’t worry about that. Everybody knows you spent the whole time pissing it up and chasing women’
‘The point is’ said George ‘’we need to get hold of the Democrats’ plan which sets out the details’
‘Ok’ I said ‘so you want me to phone John Kerry’s office pretending to be Dan Rather and ask them to send me a copy’
‘What I want you to do’ said George ‘is break into John Kerry’s home and pinch a copy of the plan which we know is on his desk’
‘Why me?’ I gasped
‘Because’ said George ‘the best way into the Kerry home is through a doggy door and I don’t know anyone else who could get through it’
‘Ok’ I said ‘if they’ve got a doggy door they’ve got a dog. What sort is it?’
‘We believe its a German Shepherd’ said George ‘nothing to worry about. We’ve checked and it will be asleep when you get there’
‘But George’ I protested ‘this is like a rerun of Watergate. If I get caught I’ll go down the toilet like the plumbers’
‘No problem’ said George ‘if you get caught you just play the dumb animal’
In the middle of the night I clambered through the doggy door at the Kerry home and was stealthily making my way across the kitchen when I heard a friendly greeting in dogspeak.
Standing before me was an absolutely gorgeous black terrier bitch
‘What do you want?’ she asked seductively
‘Well’ I said ‘I’ve just dropped in to steal a copy of the dirty tricks campaign John Kerry’s planning against George W’
‘No problem’ she said ‘I’ll fetch you a copy but first I have a great plan for you in my kennel’
It was the best laid plan I’ve ever come across
When I got back to the White House George was absolutely gobsmacked by the success of my mission
‘Great job’ he said ‘how on earth did you do it?’
‘Well George’ I said ‘sometimes when you lie down with dogs you get a lot more than just fleas’
Tags: Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Democrats, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, Don Rumsfield, George Bush, George W Bush, John Kerry, Osama Bin Laden, Terrorism, terrorist attacks, Watergate
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