Posts Tagged ‘George Bush’
Story No: 22
‘Now Barney’ said George, who was in one of his extraordinarily perky moods ‘I’m delivering the State of the Union Address in a couple of weeks. Any ideas about what I should say?’
If the truth be told I didn’t take the State of the Union gig all that seriously. It was really a theatrical feel-good extravaganza for George and all the hangers-on to reassure themselves that they are the greatest politicians in the world running the greatest country in the world. George could expect to be applauded at least seventy or eighty time during the speech for totally misleading everybody about what was actually going to happen.
‘George’ I said ‘this is your year to be truly inspirational. Tell them America is leading the way to a world free from carbon emissions, recessions, Saddam Hussein, Al Qaeda, Ahmadinejad, Rocky movies and Fred Snoggs’
‘But I like Rocky movies’ said George ‘I’m just sorry I never got to see one of his fights. By the way who is Fred Snoggs?’
‘He’s the chief dog-catcher in Washington DC’ I said ‘ Furthermore I recommend that you announce the opening of a new detention facility for terrorists at Guantanamo Bay’
‘Why on earth would we want to put it down there?’ asked George ‘Castro would be trying to shove his nose in’
‘Well I’m sure there would be room for him’ I said ‘but if you’re going to let the CIA loose with extreme measure like water-boarding, sleep deprivation and videos of Britney Spears concerts you don’t want liberals sniffing round the place. And Guantanamo Bay would really piss the liberals off because they couldn’t get down there to celebrate their ‘be nice to terrorists’ week.
‘Brilliant thinking Barney’ said George ‘now I thought I should also make a huge announcement about healthcare’
‘George’ I said ‘have you mislaid all your marbles? Healthcare is political disaster area. Remember what it did to Bill and Hillary? The strict rule for Republican Presidents is leave healthcare to the stuffed up by the Democrats like Kerry or Hillary or some nobody they resurrect out of Chicago. Republican Presidents specialise in stuffing up wars’.
‘That’s wonderfully perceptive Barney’ said George ‘anything else?’
‘Yes’ I said ‘you should announce a giant shake-up of the diplomatic service. Make Don Rumsfeld the Ambassador to Zimbabwe and make him wear black make-up. And make me Ambassador to Yapland’
‘Ok Barney very funny’ said George wearily ‘is that it?
‘Most importantly’ I said ‘you should make a major new announcement in the animal welfare field. I suggest a new kennel television channel created specially for dogs. It could feature dog races, sheep dog trials from New Zealand, Lassie films and all the latest dog shows so I can sniff out the really sexy bitches’
‘And I take it you would have your own show’ said George
‘Absolutely George’ I said ‘I would specialise in interviewing politicians who are barking mad’
‘Indeed’ said George ‘I thought you’d be presenting your own cooking show, because you’re always a bit close to the bone’
Tags: Ahmadinejad, Al Qaeda, animal welfare, Bill Clinton, Britney Spears, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Carbon Emissions, CIA, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Guantanamo Bay, healthcare, Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, New Zealand, recessions, Rocky, Saddam Hussein, State of the Union, Terrorism, Zimbabwe
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Story No: 21
George was away in the UK so I was treating myself to a lie-in when the dog-and-bone rang in my kennel. It had to be George. He was the only one who knew the number.
‘Hi Barney’ he said ‘sorry to bark at you so early in the morning’
George had cracked that funny at least a dozen times previously and still thought it was hilarious.
Actually the call was useful because it reminded me I still hadn’t developed a cunning plan to send my phone number to that bitch at the Clinton’s
‘I’m having trouble over here with Tony Blair and his gang’ said George ‘and I need a bit of advice’
I was very proud of my iron self-control. I resisted the temptation to say ‘I told you so’ and ‘you should never have got involved with that Labor bunch of limeys in the first place’
‘They’re doing a bit of backsliding on Iraq’ George went on ‘Tony’s getting depressed about the whole thing, the British public’s on his clacker and one of his ministers, Gordon Brown, is trying to bully me. What should I do?’
‘I think you should take a deep breath’ I said ‘and go and get tickets for the Arsenal versus Manchester United game’
The Gordon Brown thing surprised me. I had only encountered him once and as he was a Scot and a bit of a terrier like me I was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. But trying to bully George was simply not to be tolerated.
‘First of all George’ I said ‘tell Gordon Brown that if he doesn’t stop behaving like Mel Gibson in Braveheart the CIA will get Mossad to steal his passport and arrange for it to be found in a pair of Scottish y-fronts at the scene of a wild sex party for Latvian cross-dressers’
‘Then tell Tony Blair to stop listening to his wife and the union movement and send all those Pakistani clerics back home. Make him understand if he doesn’t pull his finger out the UK will soon overtake Afghanistan as the centre of world terrorism.
‘Is that all?’ asked George
‘That’s not half of it’ I said ‘then go and see the Queen and tell her to summon Tony and give him the biggest bollocking of his life and inject some British Bulldog Spirit into him. Scottish terriers understand all about that’
‘Ok thanks Barney’ said George
‘Hold on George’ I said ‘then take Tony out to dinner and get him absolutely hammered on the sauce. Next get the CIA to pick him up, take him to a massage parlour and get some really sordid photos. Finally they should write to him enclosing the photos and threatening to send a copy of everything to the Mirror if he doesn’t deliver on Iraq. Welcome to the world of high-powered international diplomacy’
‘I’m shocked’ said George ‘there can’t be anything else’
‘Oh yes’ I said ‘please pass on my regards to the Queen’s corgis while you’re at the Palace. We exchange emails about the privations of being owned by Heads of State’
‘There can’t be more’ said George
‘And most important of all’ I said ‘make sure that Arsenal wins. Goodbye George’
Tags: Afghanistan, Arsenal, Bill Clinton, British Bulldog, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, CIA, George Bush, George W Bush, Gordon Brown, Hillary Clinton, Manchester United, Mel Gibson, Mossad, The Queen, Tony Blair
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Story No. 20
‘Look George’ I said ‘it’s time you took the 2004 presidential election seriously’
There was less than a year to go and I was worried that George was resting on his 9/11 laurels a bit too much.
‘Don’t worry Barney’ said George ‘Karl’s got everything under control’
Now I was a big fan of Karl Rove the Architect. In fact I’d been meaning to ask George if he could design a new kennel for me.
He devised devilishly cunning plots which made the Watergate break-in look like Breakfast at Tiffany’s. He was so good at elections he could get Madonna voted into the Order of Vestal Virgins.
‘Ok George’ I said ‘I just wanted to be reassured that things are on track. Kerry and Edwards might give us a pretty tough contest’
‘Do you really think so’ said George ‘I thought they were a pretty pinhead pick even for the Democrats’
Well’ I said ‘Kerry’s a decorated Vietnam war hero while you got a cushy job in the Air National Guard through the back door’
‘Wait a minute’ said George ‘Dad could see I was a future national treasure too valuable to be shot at. You don’t think it will be a problem do you?’
‘You’re in luck’ I said ‘I talk regularly on the dog-and-bone to this friend whose owner was on the swift boats with Kerry in Vietnam. Tell Karl we should be able to organise something. Kerry’s married to that Heinz heiress. All those baked beans have made him stodgy’
‘That Edwards could be a worry’ said George ‘for a democrat he seems quite a reasonable sort of guy’
‘It would help’ I said ‘if you had a decent running mate like McCain instead of Dick’
‘Look Barney’ said George sternly ‘we’ve had this conversation before. Don Rumsfeld got it right when he said our election chances could be maximised exponentially through judicious use of our Dick. Edwards can’t do any damage can he?’
‘There’s a bit of goss around town’ I said ‘indicating that he’s carrying out extended testing of his social inclusion programme with female members of his campaign staff’
‘You don’t mean…’ began George
‘I’m afraid so’ I said ‘what you need is a running mate like Eliot Spitzer who could out-bonk him. How are the election policies shaping up?’
‘Absolutely brilliantly’ said George ‘my Clear Skies Act will shake the environmental movement to its core’
‘You mean you’re actually getting rid of carbon pollution?’ I asked
‘No’ he said ‘I’m getting rid of pollution controls. And I’m bringing democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan’
‘Have the Iraqis and the Afghans had a democratic vote on that yet?’ I asked
‘Good heavens no’ said George ‘I’m introducing American democracy’
‘What about a campaign slogan?’ I asked
‘I am planning to use ‘Yes America Can’ said George
‘Tell Karl it needs to be more inclusive and personal’ I said’ ‘Yes we can’ would be much better. That slogan’s so good that if you don’t use it someone else will’
Tags: 9/11, Afghanistan, Breakfast at Tiffanys, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, carbon pollution, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, Eliot Spitzer, George Bush, George W Bush, Heinz, Iraq, Karl Rove, Madonna, McCain, Vietnam war
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Story No. 19
George was extraordinarily fortunate to have me as his senior adviser. Dogs can sniff around and pick up bits of stuff that other advisers miss completely. And I had a real nose for people.
‘George’ I said one day in the middle of an intense discussion about health policy ‘its time for a performance review of the key members of your cabinet and top advisers. You’ve got an election coming up and it’s critical you have a team in place who can hack it’
‘Good thinking Barney’ said George ‘what did you have in mind?’
‘Well let’s look at your top five people’ I said ‘first there’s me and it looks like you’ve already made the obvious decision to retain my services by renewing my dog licence last week. So let’s talk about Colin Powell’
‘Wonderful man’ said George
‘I know’ I said ‘but he’s really pissed about the way he’s been treated by Dick and Don. He’s the ex-General and they keep telling him how to run the wars. It’s like me telling Derek Jeter he doesn’t know how to hold a bat’
‘Sure there are differences of opinion’ said George ‘but isn’t that normal?’
‘Dick and Don’ I said ‘don’t have normal opinions. They are dedicated disciples of Atilla the Hun. Mark my words George, Colin’s up to here with it. And don’t forget he was the one left twisting in the wind after telling the UN there were WMDs in Iraq. You don’t have to be Oprah Winfrey to work out who fitted him up for that. He’s not a second termer George’
‘That’s a bit of a shock’ said George ‘who on earth can I replace him with?’
A bit of a confession here. I’ve always been an unabashed fan of Condi Rice. She’s black and a real terrier just like me and I’ve always regarded her as a sort of kindred spirit. If there’s one person I would love to talk to besides George it would be her. So having sussed that Colin, who is also a really great black guy by the way, was going to call it a day, I evolved a cunning strategy to slot in Condi.
‘Condi Rice is a no-brainer’ I said ‘all the other possible candidates are dogsbodies by comparison. If you don’t appoint her I’ll stand on the steps of the Capitol Building with a white eye and accuse you of mistreating blacks’
‘Alright, alright’ said George ‘anything else?’
‘Yes, I’d fire Dick and Don’ I said
‘No way’ said George ‘they’ve grown on me. I think it must be the Stockholm Syndrome’
‘I find them more like chronic fatigue syndrome’ I said ‘if Don runs the Iraq war much longer Osama bin Laden will start sending him Christmas cards. Come to think of it I’d make the ideal Secretary of Defence’
‘Sorry Barney’ said George ‘you’ll have to be content with being the underdog’
Tags: Atilla the Hun, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Colin Powell, Condi Rice, Derek Jeter, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Iraq, Oprah Winfrey, Osama Bin Laden, Stockholm Syndrome, WMD
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Story No: 18
‘I’ve been thinking about my place in history’ said George
‘Look George’ I said ‘I wouldn’t worry about it just yet. You’ve only been president for three years and with a bit of luck and a dumbassed Democrat candidate like John Kerry you might last another five’
To tell the truth I like George and didn’t want to break it to him that his only chance of avoiding the Hall of Mediocrity was to follow my advice more closely.
‘Come on Barney, humour me’ said George ‘for example do you rate me a better president than my father?’
‘Difficult question’ I said ‘you’ve both stuffed up Iraq but ultimately he loses out because he was responsible for you’
‘When you think of a president responsible for lifting the US to a place it has never been before who would that be?’ asked George
‘Kennedy’ I responded ‘he drove us to the moon’
‘What about a president who has impacted the world through initiatives he took in the Oval Office?’ asked George
‘Clinton’ I said ‘but he needed help from Monica’
‘In some ways’ said George ‘I compare myself with Nixon. He reached out to countries like China and Alaska and he loved his little dog’
‘There’s a big difference George’ I said ‘Nixon was almost impeached, Clinton was impeached but you are simply impaired. And you have a much better taste in dogs’
‘People tell me I could turn out like Abraham Lincoln’ said George
‘That’s probably because he got shot’ I observed
‘Perhaps I’ll be remembered for great quotes like ‘Families is where the nation finds hope, where wings take dream’ said George
‘Perhaps you should try something like ‘ask not what Barney can do for you but rather what you can do for Barney’ I suggested
‘Hey that’s pretty good’ said George ‘it sounds like Ronald Reagan. He was a similar sort of president to me’
‘Sure’ is said ‘but again there is a difference. He spent part of his life in ‘B’ movies but you’ve been in one all your life’
‘Perhaps I’ll be remembered as a great wartime president’ said George
‘I think Franklin D Roosevelt’s got that slot’ I said
‘What about a great anti-terrorist president?’ asked George
‘I don’t think Osama bin Laden would support that’ I said
‘How about Father of the Nation’ persisted George
‘Look George’ I said ‘it’s a bit late for that. The Founding Fathers beat you to it by two hundred years or so’.
‘OK Barney’ said George ‘what do you really think?’
‘Well’ I said ‘you haven’t had any great success stories like solving the Middle East dilemma or tearing down a wall but on the other hand you haven’t been involved in any scandals sex or otherwise and you’ve got a lovely family’
‘You mean you think I’ll be remembered as the ordinary president?’ asked George
‘Yes’ I said ‘very ordinary’
Tags: Abraham Lincoln, Bill Clinton, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Franklin D Roosevelt, George Bush, George W Bush, Iraq, JFK, John F Kennedy, John Kerry, Nixon, Osama Bin Laden, Ronald Reagan
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This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to a wall in the Washington DC office of the US Secretary of State and sent us this exclusive report on the vital strategic discussion she had with her husband.
‘You’d have made a much better president than Obama’ said Bill
‘I know’ said Hillary ‘the only thing that stopped me was the laughable prospect of you becoming the First Gentleman’
‘Behind the great female president’ said Bill ‘would have been a former great male president with his hand up her back’
‘Most women seem to have experienced your hand up somewhere’ responded Hillary
‘Ten years ago’ said Bill ‘Obama would have been lucky to get a job serving us coffee’
‘Ten years ago’ said Hillary ‘you were damned lucky everyone didn’t leave you to get your own coffee’
‘Oh come on honey’ said Bill ‘I spent months out there on the campaign trail pushing myself to the point of exhaustion to get you the top gig’
‘Didn’t all those women find it confusing that you got them in sack just to campaign for your wife?’
‘When it comes to elections’ said Bill ‘the end justifies the means’
‘Not when it’s your end it doesn’t’ said Hillary ‘I probably lost the election because you couldn’t keep it up’
‘When Al Gore and Ted Kennedy deserted you who was it who stuck by you even putting my own reputation on the line?’
‘Some reputation’ said Hillary ‘it’s a sort of role model for Tiger Woods. Who pulled you through when you were impeached? Not Madeleine Albright or Al Gore but good old me. Even Monica deserted you and despite all that time you spent working on her I’ll bet she didn’t vote for me’
‘Honey’ said Bill ‘you’ve got to understand I have a certain charisma that appeals to women and it enabled me to play an effective presidential part in your campaign’
‘Oh I’ve no doubt your presidential part played effectively in all sorts of places’ said Hillary
‘Now let’s get serious about 2012’ said Bill ‘we’ve got to start planning your next presidential campaign immediately’
‘Forget it’ said Hillary ‘you’ve spent too long in the doghouse ever to get back in the White House. My best chance of becoming president is a divorce’
‘You’ve got to admit’ said Bill ‘that I was a better president than George W Bush. And sexier too. Give me a year or two to work my charms and every woman in the US will be ready to vote for you’
‘Why do I get this overwhelming feeling that I’m the one who would get screwed?’ said Hillary ‘Look I can’t sit around chatting to you, I’ve got to phone Kevin Rudd about World Kangaroo Day. Are you in for dinner tonight?’
‘Sure honey’ said Bill ‘how about a romantic evening for two?’
‘Darling’ said Hillary ‘I thought you’d never ask’
Tags: Al Gore, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, First Gentleman, Fly on the Wall, George Bush, George W Bsh, Hillary Clinton, Kevin Rudd, Madeleine Albright, Monica Lewinsky, President of USA, Ted Kennedy, Tiger Woods, US Secretary of State, Washington DC
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Story No. 17
‘Now look, about this Iraq business’ said Tony Blair
He had dropped into George’s ranch at Crawford, Texas for a confidential word about stuffing Saddam and George and I were accompanying him on a post lunch constitutional round a paddock.
It was a pleasant stroll although we were surrounded by enough security heavies to prevent Boris Yeltsin getting into a vodka festival. George wanted me around to advise him on the really complex strategic issues and I looked forward to the visit because I knew he kept a couple of bitches down there with the qualities to bring joy even to a dog’s life.
‘Colin Powell is convinced that Saddam has WMDs’ said George ‘and that only confirms what Dick and Don have been saying for sometime’
I’d been telling George for just as long that Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were far more dangerous WMDs than anything Saddam could possibly have.
‘What if we don’t find any WMDs?’ asked Tony
‘No chance’ said George ‘but don’t forget that Saddam told the UN to go and get whooped and he’s acting like a cross between Hitler, Frankenstein and Hillary Clinton’
‘We’ve got to tread carefully’ said Tony ‘Find the WMDs then change the regime by getting rid of Saddam, his army and his police force. We don’t want to be landed with that whole Sunni Shia can of worms’
I quickly ran behind a hedge and shouted ‘What about Al Qaeda?’ I was under strict instructions from George not to open my mouth but my self-control failed me.
‘What on earth was that?’ asked Tony
‘It was one of the security guys’ said George ‘By the way one of my senior advisers reckons we should leave the army and the police force intact. He believes if we disband them they’ll all join Al Qaeda and the country will descend into chaos’
I was flattered that George had remembered my advice so accurately.
‘Well he’s got that wrong’ said Tony ‘once we’ve sorted out Saddam and his crew the whole country will come to its senses. That adviser of yours sounds like a real dog’
I’d never liked Tony Blair but now he hit rock bottom on the shitlist. If I told George once I told him a hundred times never to go to war alongside a socialist.
‘You might just as well get some advice from Barney’ added Tony pissing himself with laughter
Fortunately my self-control reasserted itself and I was able to refrain from urinating down his trousers.
‘Tony do your people believe this war is legal?’ asked George
‘Half do, half don’t’ said Tony ‘you know what lawyers are like. They tell you what they think will make them the most money’
‘Ok’ said George ‘I’ll send Saddam a note giving him the option of resigning and spending the next ten years in Antarctica growing glaciers with Al Gore or facing high noon at the OK Corral’
‘Right on George’ said Tony ‘we’ll bring peace and democracy to the people of Iraq and an era of hope and prosperity to the whole world’
‘What a load of absolute crap’ I shouted from behind the hedge.
Tags: Al Gore, Al Qaeda, Boris Yeltsin, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Colin Powell, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, Frankenstein, George Bush, George W Bush, Hillary Clinton, Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Tony Blair, WMD
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Virgin on the Political
George Brandis claimed that Julia Gillard is not qualified to pronounce on parenting because she doesn’t have children. He was however quite happy for her to discuss virginity with the hopelessly unqualified Tony Abbott.
Ball Control
There seems to be a concerted move in the UK to prevent John Terry’s sexual indiscretions being placed in the same league as Tiger’s. It is claimed he merely put the finishing touches to a movement down his right flank.
Blockbuster
Serena Williams victory in the Australian Open seemed to be the antithesis of the outcome in Avatar.
Sheer Terror
Obama is searching for the ideal environment for the trial of the 9/11 masterminds now that the Big Apple plan has been juiced. Support is growing for setting up a video link between the courtroom and the defendants traveling on a pilotless plane on course to crash into Al Qaeda central.
Lord Blair of Baghdad
The Iraq Inquiry in the UK seems increasingly like a deliberate attempt to undermine George W Bush’s place in history and pin all the blame for the war on Tony Blair. And it’s an absolute scandal that so far there’s been no mention of John Howard.
The Penny Hasn’t Dropped
Kevin and Penny Wong are having a third go at getting the Lazarus ETS legislation passed by parliament.
They must either know something the rest of us don’t or don’t know something the rest of us do.
The evidence available to mere mortals indicates that the EU’s ETS is useless, Europe won’t set emissions reductions targets before the US who won’t set them before China who won’t set them. The scientific evidence underpinning an ETS looks increasingly discredited and the only delegates in Copenhagen who looked remotely interested in taking urgent action on climate change were Kevin, Penny and those from small developing countries excited by the prospect of a big cash handout.
Perhaps its just that Kevin and Penny have seen An Inconvenient Truth too many times or they haven’t yet seen the latest Newspoll.
Men of Action
Kevin and Obama are both heavily criticised for being all talk and no action. Perhaps action has become an unacceptable political risk undertaken only by carpetbaggers like George W Bush and Tony Abbott.
Tags: 9/11, Al Qaeda, Avatar, Barack Obama, Big Apple, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, George Brandis, George Bush, George W Bush, John Howard, John Terry, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Penny Wong, Serena Williams, The Iraq Inquiry, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott, Tony Blair
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Last week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to the UK and managed to land high on a wall in Gordon Brown’s office at No. 10 to send us this exclusive report about a vital strategy meeting.
Gordon Brown was in conference with Harriet Harman and Lord Mandelson.
‘Peter do you think there will be anymore coup attempts against me before the next election?’ asked Gordon
‘Probably not’ said Peter ‘after everyone chickened out of the last one. And the Iraq Inquiry will totally stuff any chance of Tony making a comeback’
‘What about Alisdair Darling?’ asked Gordon
‘And what about me my little precious’ said Harriet ‘By the way have you taken your constipation tablets?’
‘No but I’ve already got plenty of runs on the board’ said Gordon ‘I’m thinking of becoming green for the next election’
‘I don’t think a name change will be enough’ said Peter.
‘I’m also thinking of taking drastic steps on the economy before the next election’ said Gordon ‘I’ve already driven it to the seventh largest in the world from the fifth. If I could get it to the tenth largest I could make a dramatic election promise to improve it to ninth or even eighth’
‘Inspired thinking Gordon’ said Harriet ‘but how on earth am I going to retain my seat?’
‘You’ll have to start going to the gym regularly’ said Gordon. ‘But what am I going to tell the Iraqi Inquiry?’
Tell them the truth’ said Peter ‘Saddam Hussein couldn’t remember where he had hidden the WMDs’
‘But won’t that let Tony off the hook?’ asked Gordon
‘No’ said Peter ‘because Saddam had also forgotten that he hadn’t got any’
‘But if Saddam was convinced he had WMDs’ said Gordon ‘can’t Tony claim he was misled?’
‘No’ said Peter ‘because I’ve leaked it to the Inquiry that while Saddam had forgotten that he hadn’t got any WMDs he suddenly remembered where they were and Tony found out that he had remembered but had forgotten that he had forgotten that he didn’t have any’
‘Brilliant’ said Gordon ‘so I can tell the Iraq Inquiry that I remembered that Tony remembered that Saddam remembered where the WMDs were’
‘Do you think we should call in Kevin Rudd to advise us on economic policies for the election?’ asked Harriet
‘Heavens no’ said Gordon ‘I couldn’t stand any more of that boring Aussie nerd crapping on about how he fluked his way round a recession. But this Iraq thing could still be a problem’
‘No way’ said Peter ‘just blame it all on George W Bush and John Howard. You can claim they formed a right wing conspiracy to undermine Tony and his Labor Government but you came in and saved us all’
‘Sheer genius’ said Gordon ‘perhaps I won’t need that post election job with the Scottish Porridge Promotion Board after all’
Tags: Alisdair Darling, Fly on the Wall, George Bush, George W Bush, Gordon Brown, Harriet Harman, John Howard, Kevin Rudd, Labor Government, Lord Mandelson, Saddam Hussein, The Iraq Inquiry, Tony Blair, WMD
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Story No. 16
‘George’ I said ‘you’ve got to secure the border with Mexico’
‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘we’ve been through all that stuff before and you’re barking up the wrong tree’
‘Very funny’ I said ‘but as you know George I’m not one to let sleeping dogs lie. You’ve heard of the Mexican Wave. Well if you leave that border open much longer, forget the football stadium, you’ll have one right round the country’
‘I don’t know what you’re worried about’ said George ‘We simply turn a blind eye to a few million Hispanic illegals because they’re a great source of cheap labour and Vincente Fox loves it because they send all their cash home’
‘George’ I said ‘you’re sworn to uphold the US Constitution but you’re running the country like a rundown baseball stadium. You have to pay to get in through the main entrances but you can get in free through a hole in the bleachers’
‘I think it’s very civilised’ said George ‘that Mexicans can stroll into our country and we can take a stroll into theirs when we feel like it. And it makes me feel good that we’re lending a helping hand to the Mexican economy’
‘That elevates you to the same status as the drug barons’ I said ‘and they love your open door border policy’
‘And just think of the huge savings in the Immigration Service’ said George ‘not having to process all those millions of people’
I sensed it was time to play my trump card.
‘Listen George’ I said ‘I hope you understand that all these Hispanics which are pouring in could one day become US citizens. And guess which party Hispanics vote for, the Democrats’
‘Good heavens Barney’ said George ‘this is a national emergency. We’ve got to take action immediately to stop this illegal immigration outrage. This is a clear and present danger and we’ve got to send the army down there immediately’
‘Wait a minute George’ I said ‘you haven’t got enough troops. The border with Mexico is nineteen hundred miles long. To guard it effectively you would have to bring back all the troops from Iraq and Afghanistan and ask the Taliban and Al Queda if you could borrow some of theirs into the bargain’
‘Perhaps we should invade Mexico’ said George
‘Bad idea George’ I said ‘not only would Vincente Fox stop coming to Camp David for tortilla weekends but that would achieve the impossible dream of uniting Fidel Castro, the UN and the Mexican drug barons in a coalition of the willing’
‘I know’ said George ‘I’ll let them in as long as they promise to vote Republican’
‘George’ I said ‘you’ve got to build a wall nineteen hundred miles long.. And get some Staffordshire Terriers to patrol it. The Scottish Terriers like me got the brains but they got the teeth’
‘That’s a helluva lot of wall’ said George
‘Well look at it this way’ I said ‘it could become a tourist attracton to rival the Great Wall of China’
‘So let’s get this straight’ said George ‘by building this wall I’d be keeping out drug runners and Democrat voters. But wouldn’t I also be keeping out all that cheap labour that we rely on to keep the economy strong?’
“Absolutely right George’ I said ‘you’d be creating the perfect Mexican Standoff’
Tags: Afghanistan, Al Qa’ida, Al Queda, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Fidel Castro, George Bush, George W Bush, Great Wall of China, Hispanic illegals, Iraq, Mexican Wave, Mexico, Taliban, US Constitution, Vincente Fox
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