Posts Tagged ‘George W Bush’

All Take and No Give - Thursday, March 18th, 2010

With the utmost respect to Kevin the greatest moral challenge of our time is not climate change but the propensity of politicians to raise taxes after they have promised faithfully not to.

They are absolutely shameless. George ‘read my lips’ Bush, Obama and Kevin have all transgressed and now Tony Abbott’s succumbed to temptation with some post-natal financial depression for business.

Politicians are noticeably reticent about tax increases during election campaigns. A promise to raise taxes would have roughly the same impact on the electorate as a promise to sell off their grandmothers into sexual slavery. Admittedly it might not resonate quite so badly with grandfathers.

Deep within the soul of every serving politician is the urge to do something really worthwhile for the community if only to get re-elected. But that requires a tax increase. If only politicians could come to grips with the incontrovertible truth that to do nothing apart from decreasing taxes is an absolute guarantee of staying in parliament long enough for pension paradise.

We already have income tax, surtax, goods and services tax, payroll tax, excise tax, pretax, corporate tax, capital gains tax, property tax and if you forget syntax you can end up with a long sentence.

Governments have even considered a tax on mistresses and lovers as a way of getting a bit on the side.

Which brings us to the Henry Tax Review. Why are Kevin and Wayne so reluctant to release it? It obviously contains conclusions and recommendations which favour taxpayers rather than the government.

For example there is the strong possibility it recognises that Australians are hopelessly over-taxed. Is it too much to hope that this will lead to a joyous federal election in which Kevin and Tony will try to outbid each other in promising tax cuts? Of course it is.

If the Review is to have any credibility whatsoever it must recommend that the Taxation Department becomes taxpayer friendly and appreciates the benefits which can flow from treating taxpayers humanely and gratefully.

It is surely not too much to expect an annual note of thanks from the Commissioner of Taxation for contributing so generously to his coffers. Special commendations and even discounts would not go amiss to taxpayers showing annual increases in contributions of twenty percent or more. Huge tax contributions over an extended period resulting from extraordinary toil or breathtaking brilliance from taxpayers should be recognised by a gong and an entry in the national accounts.

Back in the real world the Taxation Department assails us with horrendously complex documentation, nasty rude letters, innuendoes, demands and threats all of which offer no encouragement for taxpayers to become kindly and charitable towards them. As a result paying taxes promotes feelings similar to paying off blackmailers without police waiting at the drop-off point.

It is crucial that the Review recommends the withdrawal from state governments of any mandate to collect taxes. Politicians who are so indisciplined in spending taxpayer dollars shouldn’t be trusted to collect them. They could soon become as invasive as banks.

Above all the Review should recognise that Australian business would become much more profitable and tax-productive if they didn’t have to spend a considerable amount of time and money trying to decipher what on earth the Taxation Department is rabbiting on about and whether to relocate to Singapore or the Cayman Islands.

Governments can certainly tax you to death. Hopefully the Review recommends a tax-free after-life even for atheists.

Codename Terrier - Thursday, March 18th, 2010

Story No: 23

‘Look Barney’ said George ‘I need your help’

I sniffed trouble. It was something in George’s tone.

‘Dick and Don’ he said ‘are pressuring me to invade the tribal areas in Pakistan to touch up the Taliban and find OBL. But my plan is to use drones to pinpoint key Taliban targets and bribe the Pakistanis to do the deep down and dirty stuff on the ground’

‘Brilliant thinking George’ I said. Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were obviously up to their old tricks.

‘Now I’ve got a strategic planning meeting with them tomorrow afternoon at the White House’ continued George ‘and I want you to be ready to take a call from the meeting. Here’s the tricky bit. My cunning plan is for you to pretend to be a CIA agent on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border who can give an expert on-the-spot strategic military assessment to support my point of view’

‘That’s a bit of a challenge George’ I said ‘I’ll have to bone up on a few things before you call’

‘One or two other points’ said George ‘I’ll address you by your codename which is Terrier. Pretty funny huh? Oh and by the way you’ll have to address me as Mr President for a change’

The next afternoon at 3.30 the dog and bone rang in my kennel

‘This is Terrier’ I said

‘Hi Terrier’ said George ‘This is the President speaking. I’m here with the vice-President and the Secretary of Defence and you’re on the loudspeaker. What’s the current situation on the border there?’

‘Swarming with Taliban Mr President’ I responded ‘it’s just like passing out day at West Point’

‘Dick Cheney here Terrier’ said Dick ‘are the Taliban well armed?’

I had to smile. I could hardly resist the temptation to tell him he was talking to me. He would absolutely crap himself.

‘They’re armed and dangerous’ I said ‘They all look like Sylvester Stallone in
Rocky II’

‘Great film’ said George

‘Are you in disguise Terrier?’ asked Dick ‘Oh I get it. You’re disguised as a dog’. He was painful when he tried to be funny.

‘That’s right’ I said ‘it helps me keep my nose close to the ground’

‘That’s very funny Ba…Terrier’ said George

‘What’s the terrain like there?’ asked Don

‘Very steep and rocky’ I replied ‘Ok for guerrilla warfare but unsuitable for large troop movements’

I could tell he was impressed by my military analysis.

‘Are you in danger there?’ asked Dick

‘I’m used to it’ I said ‘The Taliban think I’m a Pakistani agent sent by Ahmadinejad to convince them that 9/11 never happened’

‘When is the best time to invade the tribal areas?’ asked Don

‘Well not during a test match’ I said ‘especially if its against India and Pakistan are winning. That would really piss them off. And not during the Afghan Hound Show Week. Militarily speaking I’d recommend you use drones to destroy key Taliban targets pinpointed by me and bribe the Pakistanis to do the heavy stuff on the ground’

‘Very interesting’ said Dick ‘that’s the President’s view. You haven’t been swapping notes with him have you?’

‘Never had the honour of meeting him’ I lied ‘but you know what they say about great minds’

‘Thank you Terrier’ said George ‘stay safe. You’ve been very helpful’

An hour later I met George on the White House lawn.

‘Mission accomplished Terrier’ he said.

Interest Rates, Chavez leaves a bad taste, Perscription to fix Australian healthcare system - Friday, March 12th, 2010

carbon_emissions_masthead

No Interest
No wonder the Reserve Bank doesn’t have any customers. It’s always the first to raise interest rates.
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Full Montys
Everyone who turned up at the Opera House with their gear off had parts in the mass nude shoot. Most of them were private.
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The Right Prescription
Kevin’s hospitals plan is very timely. People are beginning to get sick of him.
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A Suitable Case for Treatment
State governments running hospitals are not good for our health, the federal-state shared responsibility structure is a bigger health threat than smoking, and giving Nicola Roxon sole charge of hospitals would make Peter Garrett look like an expert on safety in the home.
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A Candidate for Premier
It is difficult to ascertain if Michelle Chantelois is a candidate in the upcoming South Australian election. Most commentators, however, agree that she’s an also-Rann.
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A Really Sorry Day
Political strategists believe it will be another six months before Kevin starts apologising for his hospitals plan.
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The Name Game
Hugo Chavez recently called Hillary Clinton ‘the blond Condoleezza’. How outrageous. The next thing he‘ll be calling Obama ‘the black George W Bush’.
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Bad Taste
Following his sojourn in the outback Tony Abbott is undecided about which left the nastier taste in his mouth, Malcolm crossing the floor or witchetty grubs.

Sorry won’t fix our hospitals - Friday, March 12th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

12th March 2010

Dear Mr President,

On the whole I think Kevin’s had a slightly better week.

He’s stopped apologising and gone into hospitals. I think he went in for an operation to remove Peter Garrett but it only seems to have been partially successful.

Hopefully his minders will stop him doing tours of the wards.  He’s got the bedside manner of a bedpan.

I must say that much as I love him there are times when I feel like giving Kevin a really good shake. Just as he gets out from under roofs falling in on him he                       goes and picks a fight with the state premiers over hospitals.

Mind you I think Kevin’s on the right track.  Your chances of survival in a NSW hospital are roughly equivalent to those of a suicide bomber on a second mission.

The NSW state premier is a lovely woman, one of your mob from Toledo Ohio.  I’m sure she doesn’t know an enema from a seminar but she’s really got her knickers in a twist about Kevin’s hospitals plan.  And if it turns into a beauty contest with Kristina things could really turn ugly for Kevin.

Its been reported that Kevin is not going abroad much this year.  I think that’s because he’s going to spend much more time in church praying to Mary MacKillop.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if Kevin was her third miracle.

Now I know its only a week or two before you arrive here but we thought it would be really useful for you if the World Affairs Think Tank came up with some great ideas for your address to the joint session of the Australian Parliament.  Hopefully you’ll have enough time to slot our stuff in.

Our Mavis’ Bert’s brother Fred thought you should have a devastating response ready if Bob Brown interrupts you just like he interrupted George W.  He suggested ‘Shut up you Tassie tree-hugger.  They serve wood chips like you at McDonalds’.

Marge said you should remind our pollies that there’s as much chance of insulating Australia’s economy from the global financial pressures as there is of insulating Australia from the second go at the home insulation scheme.

Cyril suggested you could significantly boost Kevin’s morale by explaining how much deeper you’ve led the US into the financial doodoo  compared with us.

Mildred wanted you to tell our Parliament to be ready to take over as the most powerful nation in the world in case your country drops its bundle.  She said it was important to for us to step in ahead of China because they if they got too much power they might intern Kevin for speaking Chinese with a Canberra accent and stop us bowling chinamen.

Joyce said that if you wanted to raise a laugh you could tell our parliamentarians you saw more of Kevin last year than they did.

I expressed the hope that you will give Kevin a real rap because he really needs it.  And whatever you do don’t mention the ETS or Kevin getting pissed in a New York nightclub.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

State of the Union preparation - Thursday, March 11th, 2010

Story No: 22

‘Now Barney’ said George, who was in one of his extraordinarily perky moods ‘I’m delivering the State of the Union Address in a couple of weeks. Any ideas about what I should say?’

If the truth be told I didn’t take the State of the Union gig all that seriously. It was really a theatrical feel-good extravaganza for George and all the hangers-on to reassure themselves that they are the greatest politicians in the world running the greatest country in the world. George could expect to be applauded at least seventy or eighty time during the speech for totally misleading everybody about what was actually going to happen.

‘George’ I said ‘this is your year to be truly inspirational. Tell them America is leading the way to a world free from carbon emissions, recessions, Saddam Hussein, Al Qaeda, Ahmadinejad, Rocky movies and Fred Snoggs’

‘But I like Rocky movies’ said George ‘I’m just sorry I never got to see one of his fights. By the way who is Fred Snoggs?’

‘He’s the chief dog-catcher in Washington DC’ I said ‘ Furthermore I recommend that you announce the opening of a new detention facility for terrorists at Guantanamo Bay’

‘Why on earth would we want to put it down there?’ asked George ‘Castro would be trying to shove his nose in’

‘Well I’m sure there would be room for him’ I said ‘but if you’re going to let the CIA loose with extreme measure like water-boarding, sleep deprivation and videos of Britney Spears concerts you don’t want liberals sniffing round the place. And Guantanamo Bay would really piss the liberals off because they couldn’t get down there to celebrate their ‘be nice to terrorists’ week.

‘Brilliant thinking Barney’ said George ‘now I thought I should also make a huge announcement about healthcare’

‘George’ I said ‘have you mislaid all your marbles? Healthcare is political disaster area. Remember what it did to Bill and Hillary? The strict rule for Republican Presidents is leave healthcare to the stuffed up by the Democrats like Kerry or Hillary or some nobody they resurrect out of Chicago. Republican Presidents specialise in stuffing up wars’.

‘That’s wonderfully perceptive Barney’ said George ‘anything else?’

‘Yes’ I said ‘you should announce a giant shake-up of the diplomatic service. Make Don Rumsfeld the Ambassador to Zimbabwe and make him wear black make-up. And make me Ambassador to Yapland’

‘Ok Barney very funny’ said George wearily ‘is that it?

‘Most importantly’ I said ‘you should make a major new announcement in the animal welfare field. I suggest a new kennel television channel created specially for dogs. It could feature dog races, sheep dog trials from New Zealand, Lassie films and all the latest dog shows so I can sniff out the really sexy bitches’

‘And I take it you would have your own show’ said George

‘Absolutely George’ I said ‘I would specialise in interviewing politicians who are barking mad’

‘Indeed’ said George ‘I thought you’d be presenting your own cooking show, because you’re always a bit close to the bone’

High-powered international diplomacy - Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Story No: 21

George was away in the UK so I was treating myself to a lie-in when the dog-and-bone rang in my kennel. It had to be George. He was the only one who knew the number.

‘Hi Barney’ he said ‘sorry to bark at you so early in the morning’

George had cracked that funny at least a dozen times previously and still thought it was hilarious.

Actually the call was useful because it reminded me I still hadn’t developed a cunning plan to send my phone number to that bitch at the Clinton’s

‘I’m having trouble over here with Tony Blair and his gang’ said George ‘and I need a bit of advice’

I was very proud of my iron self-control. I resisted the temptation to say ‘I told you so’ and ‘you should never have got involved with that Labor bunch of limeys in the first place’

‘They’re doing a bit of backsliding on Iraq’ George went on ‘Tony’s getting depressed about the whole thing, the British public’s on his clacker and one of his ministers, Gordon Brown, is trying to bully me. What should I do?’

‘I think you should take a deep breath’ I said ‘and go and get tickets for the Arsenal versus Manchester United game’

The Gordon Brown thing surprised me. I had only encountered him once and as he was a Scot and a bit of a terrier like me I was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. But trying to bully George was simply not to be tolerated.

‘First of all George’ I said ‘tell Gordon Brown that if he doesn’t stop behaving like Mel Gibson in Braveheart the CIA will get Mossad to steal his passport and arrange for it to be found in a pair of Scottish y-fronts at the scene of a wild sex party for Latvian cross-dressers’

‘Then tell Tony Blair to stop listening to his wife and the union movement and send all those Pakistani clerics back home. Make him understand if he doesn’t pull his finger out the UK will soon overtake Afghanistan as the centre of world terrorism.

‘Is that all?’ asked George

‘That’s not half of it’ I said ‘then go and see the Queen and tell her to summon Tony and give him the biggest bollocking of his life and inject some British Bulldog Spirit into him. Scottish terriers understand all about that’

‘Ok thanks Barney’ said George

‘Hold on George’ I said ‘then take Tony out to dinner and get him absolutely hammered on the sauce. Next get the CIA to pick him up, take him to a massage parlour and get some really sordid photos. Finally they should write to him enclosing the photos and threatening to send a copy of everything to the Mirror if he doesn’t deliver on Iraq. Welcome to the world of high-powered international diplomacy’

‘I’m shocked’ said George ‘there can’t be anything else’

‘Oh yes’ I said ‘please pass on my regards to the Queen’s corgis while you’re at the Palace. We exchange emails about the privations of being owned by Heads of State’

‘There can’t be more’ said George

‘And most important of all’ I said ‘make sure that Arsenal wins. Goodbye George’

GWB plans 04 election strategy - Friday, February 26th, 2010

Story No. 20

‘Look George’ I said ‘it’s time you took the 2004 presidential election seriously’

There was less than a year to go and I was worried that George was resting on his 9/11 laurels a bit too much.

‘Don’t worry Barney’ said George ‘Karl’s got everything under control’

Now I was a big fan of Karl Rove the Architect. In fact I’d been meaning to ask George if he could design a new kennel for me.

He devised devilishly cunning plots which made the Watergate break-in look like Breakfast at Tiffany’s. He was so good at elections he could get Madonna voted into the Order of Vestal Virgins.

‘Ok George’ I said ‘I just wanted to be reassured that things are on track. Kerry and Edwards might give us a pretty tough contest’

‘Do you really think so’ said George ‘I thought they were a pretty pinhead pick even for the Democrats’

Well’ I said ‘Kerry’s a decorated Vietnam war hero while you got a cushy job in the Air National Guard through the back door’

‘Wait a minute’ said George ‘Dad could see I was a future national treasure too valuable to be shot at. You don’t think it will be a problem do you?’

‘You’re in luck’ I said ‘I talk regularly on the dog-and-bone to this friend whose owner was on the swift boats with Kerry in Vietnam. Tell Karl we should be able to organise something. Kerry’s married to that Heinz heiress. All those baked beans have made him stodgy’

‘That Edwards could be a worry’ said George ‘for a democrat he seems quite a reasonable sort of guy’

‘It would help’ I said ‘if you had a decent running mate like McCain instead of Dick’

‘Look Barney’ said George sternly ‘we’ve had this conversation before. Don Rumsfeld got it right when he said our election chances could be maximised exponentially through judicious use of our Dick. Edwards can’t do any damage can he?’

‘There’s a bit of goss around town’ I said ‘indicating that he’s carrying out extended testing of his social inclusion programme with female members of his campaign staff’

‘You don’t mean…’ began George

‘I’m afraid so’ I said ‘what you need is a running mate like Eliot Spitzer who could out-bonk him. How are the election policies shaping up?’

‘Absolutely brilliantly’ said George ‘my Clear Skies Act will shake the environmental movement to its core’

‘You mean you’re actually getting rid of carbon pollution?’ I asked

‘No’ he said ‘I’m getting rid of pollution controls. And I’m bringing democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan’

‘Have the Iraqis and the Afghans had a democratic vote on that yet?’ I asked

‘Good heavens no’ said George ‘I’m introducing American democracy’

‘What about a campaign slogan?’ I asked

‘I am planning to use ‘Yes America Can’ said George

‘Tell Karl it needs to be more inclusive and personal’ I said’ ‘Yes we can’ would be much better. That slogan’s so good that if you don’t use it someone else will’

Lifes a Beach, Garrett goes up in flames, Love of Sport - Friday, February 26th, 2010

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Putt and Take
Tiger Woods is reportedly making a comeback later this year. No word yet on which nightclub it will be at.
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Life’s a Beach
Environmentalists are concerned that the rising tide of ETS dissent could erode Penny Wong and wash her away.
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Doomsday Scenario
The International Atomic Energy Agency has expressed concern that Peter Garrett might one day become the Australian minister responsible for the development of nuclear power stations.
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The Love of Sport

If sex becomes an Olympic sport will Tiger Woods switch codes?
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Getting Better

Obama has taken steps to involve Republicans in developing his healthcare plan. The aborigines could teach him more about bush medicine than George.
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Poor Batting
The Government’s insulation debacle has had a marked effect on house design. Nobody wants a garret in their roof anymore.
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Dear John
Now it turns out that just like Andrew Peacock and Peter Costello, Malcolm Fraser can’t stand John Howard either. But on the other hand there’s George W. Bush and Tony Abbott who think John is great while no one’s even bothered to ask Mark Latham yet and he’s normally very liberal with his opinions.
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Insulated from Terrorism
There was intense debate in federal parliament this week about whether the home insulation scheme was a bigger threat to the community than home-grown terrorism. It’s a close run thing but Friday Mash sincerely believes the Federal Government is less of a threat than Al Qaeda.
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George has performance issues - Friday, February 19th, 2010

Story No. 19

George was extraordinarily fortunate to have me as his senior adviser. Dogs can sniff around and pick up bits of stuff that other advisers miss completely. And I had a real nose for people.

‘George’ I said one day in the middle of an intense discussion about health policy ‘its time for a performance review of the key members of your cabinet and top advisers. You’ve got an election coming up and it’s critical you have a team in place who can hack it’

‘Good thinking Barney’ said George ‘what did you have in mind?’

‘Well let’s look at your top five people’ I said ‘first there’s me and it looks like you’ve already made the obvious decision to retain my services by renewing my dog licence last week. So let’s talk about Colin Powell’

‘Wonderful man’ said George

‘I know’ I said ‘but he’s really pissed about the way he’s been treated by Dick and Don. He’s the ex-General and they keep telling him how to run the wars. It’s like me telling Derek Jeter he doesn’t know how to hold a bat’

‘Sure there are differences of opinion’ said George ‘but isn’t that normal?’

‘Dick and Don’ I said ‘don’t have normal opinions. They are dedicated disciples of Atilla the Hun. Mark my words George, Colin’s up to here with it. And don’t forget he was the one left twisting in the wind after telling the UN there were WMDs in Iraq. You don’t have to be Oprah Winfrey to work out who fitted him up for that. He’s not a second termer George’

‘That’s a bit of a shock’ said George ‘who on earth can I replace him with?’

A bit of a confession here. I’ve always been an unabashed fan of Condi Rice. She’s black and a real terrier just like me and I’ve always regarded her as a sort of kindred spirit. If there’s one person I would love to talk to besides George it would be her. So having sussed that Colin, who is also a really great black guy by the way, was going to call it a day, I evolved a cunning strategy to slot in Condi.

‘Condi Rice is a no-brainer’ I said ‘all the other possible candidates are dogsbodies by comparison. If you don’t appoint her I’ll stand on the steps of the Capitol Building with a white eye and accuse you of mistreating blacks’

‘Alright, alright’ said George ‘anything else?’

‘Yes, I’d fire Dick and Don’ I said

‘No way’ said George ‘they’ve grown on me. I think it must be the Stockholm Syndrome’

‘I find them more like chronic fatigue syndrome’ I said ‘if Don runs the Iraq war much longer Osama bin Laden will start sending him Christmas cards. Come to think of it I’d make the ideal Secretary of Defence’

‘Sorry Barney’ said George ‘you’ll have to be content with being the underdog’

George Bush and the Hall of Mediocrity - Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Story No: 18

‘I’ve been thinking about my place in history’ said George

‘Look George’ I said ‘I wouldn’t worry about it just yet. You’ve only been president for three years and with a bit of luck and a dumbassed Democrat candidate like John Kerry you might last another five’

To tell the truth I like George and didn’t want to break it to him that his only chance of avoiding the Hall of Mediocrity was to follow my advice more closely.

‘Come on Barney, humour me’ said George ‘for example do you rate me a better president than my father?’

‘Difficult question’ I said ‘you’ve both stuffed up Iraq but ultimately he loses out because he was responsible for you’

‘When you think of a president responsible for lifting the US to a place it has never been before who would that be?’ asked George

‘Kennedy’ I responded ‘he drove us to the moon’

‘What about a president who has impacted the world through initiatives he took in the Oval Office?’ asked George

‘Clinton’ I said ‘but he needed help from Monica’

‘In some ways’ said George ‘I compare myself with Nixon. He reached out to countries like China and Alaska and he loved his little dog’

‘There’s a big difference George’ I said ‘Nixon was almost impeached, Clinton was impeached but you are simply impaired. And you have a much better taste in dogs’

‘People tell me I could turn out like Abraham Lincoln’ said George

‘That’s probably because he got shot’ I observed

‘Perhaps I’ll be remembered for great quotes like ‘Families is where the nation finds hope, where wings take dream’ said George

‘Perhaps you should try something like ‘ask not what Barney can do for you but rather what you can do for Barney’ I suggested

‘Hey that’s pretty good’ said George ‘it sounds like Ronald Reagan. He was a similar sort of president to me’

‘Sure’ is said ‘but again there is a difference. He spent part of his life in ‘B’ movies but you’ve been in one all your life’

‘Perhaps I’ll be remembered as a great wartime president’ said George

‘I think Franklin D Roosevelt’s got that slot’ I said

‘What about a great anti-terrorist president?’ asked George

‘I don’t think Osama bin Laden would support that’ I said

‘How about Father of the Nation’ persisted George

‘Look George’ I said ‘it’s a bit late for that. The Founding Fathers beat you to it by two hundred years or so’.

‘OK Barney’ said George ‘what do you really think?’

‘Well’ I said ‘you haven’t had any great success stories like solving the Middle East dilemma or tearing down a wall but on the other hand you haven’t been involved in any scandals sex or otherwise and you’ve got a lovely family’

‘You mean you think I’ll be remembered as the ordinary president?’ asked George

‘Yes’ I said ‘very ordinary’