Story No: 11

‘Hey Barney’ said George ‘Dick Cheney’s invited me to go quail shooting with him’

‘Oh Lord’ I thought. Dick was renowned as the worst shot since the Keystone Cops.

‘You’re not going are you?’ I asked anxiously

‘Well I thought I might’ said George ‘It would be a pleasant weekend out in the country’

‘George’ I said ‘you’d be safer on the frontline in Baghdad.  Dick’s so hopeless with a gun he’s going to shoot somebody one day and it could be you’

‘Come on Barney’ he said ‘Dick’s not going to shoot the US President’

‘Well it would be a unique situation’ I agreed ‘the vice-president shooting the president.  But I just have this feeling that one day Dick’s going to take a shot at the presidency’

‘I’ll be quite safe’ said George

‘Not as safe as the quails’ I said ‘but that raises an interesting point.  If you got knocked off or incapacitated and Dick, heaven help us, was running the country, shouldn’t special arrangements be in place to enable him and the country to continue benefiting from my unique insight?  I just can’t see Dick working directly in harmony with a talking dog.  The only use he has for dogs is to have then standing around in case the impossible happens and he bags a quail’

‘Good point Barney’ said George ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.  Tell you what.  I’ll set you up with a computer and you could communicate with Dick through emails’

‘I hope it’s got a paws button’ I said

‘Very funny’ said George ‘We would have to give you an impressive online codename’

‘Ok’ I said ‘how about God?’

‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘that’s a bit pretentious isn’t it?’

‘No way’ I said ‘God is dog backwards.  Dogs represent the ultimate authority in reverse’

‘Fascinating ‘ said George ‘but I would prefer you adopted a codename like Santa Lucia.  That would stand for Senior Advisor Nato Transatlantic Alliance listed under CIA’

‘I think I’ll stick to God if you don’t mind’ I said ‘If I could convince Dick he was the first US President who’d ever got a direct line to God he’d certainly take notice. Of course I’d have to turn down all requests for a face to face meeting’

‘I’ll get a secretary lined up for you’ said George

‘How about that bitch at the Clinton’s’ I suggested

‘’Can she type?’ asked George

‘Who the hell cares?’ I said

‘Tell you what’ said George ‘I’ll fix it so you can phone the stuff though to one of my secretaries.  She wont know who you are and it will save you sending it through on dog-eared notepaper’

‘Very funny’ I said ‘I hope the system is never activated but if the worst happens you can rest assured the country is in God’s hands.  And by the way if you go shooting with Dick don’t forget to go equipped with full body armour, a mobile surgery, a top medical team, a missile shield and make sure you’re totally surrounded 24/7 by secret service agents prepared to sacrifice their lives for you and ……………