Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

20th November 2009

Dear Mr President,

I can’t tell you how disappointed we all were that you didn’t make it down here from Singapore. Trust you had a nice chat with Kevin at APEC. I’m sure he would have told you some dirty jokes in Chinese to help you liven up the discussions with Unowho in Beijing.

Your mates Tiger Woods and Britney Spears have both been here recently. Tiger seems to have no problem getting into holes and Britney’s got into one too because people complained that when she opens her mouth nothing comes out. Neville thought it was a marked improvement.

Kevin’s so humane. If those asylum seekers on the Oceanic Viking had defied me like they defied him they’d have been over the side and swimming to Indonesia before you could say ‘Bali Belly’.

Kevin has not had much luck with solutions recently. The Indonesian Solution was a dead loss because the Indonesians are much better at creating problems than solutions. The Macklin Solution for Aboriginal housing would have been better handled by Bob the Builder and the Wong/MacFarlane Solution for the ETS seems to have gone up in smoke. No-one’s head from Penny or Ian for weeks and Neville thinks they could have eloped.

At the Obama Fan Club meeting last Tuesday we went into a plenary session designed to provide solutions for you in Afghanistan. I couldn’t believe the sheer quality of the solutions we came up with. Mildred had a brilliant idea. She said that Osama and all the other terrorist heavies are in Pakistan so you should send the 40,000 troops there instead.

Godwin, who’s a new member, thought you should send 40,000 criminals to Afghanistan. He reckons that if Karzai can’t clear out the corruption at least it should be under US control.

My idea was to send over 40,000 copies of Sarah Palin’s new book. If the prospect of her becoming the next US President doesn’t scare the Taliban to death then nothing will.

You wouldn’t believe what’s happening in NSW government circles. Some of the ministers have been plotting against Nathan the premier so he’s been plotting against them. Now his plot’s worked better than their plot because he’s fired them but now they’ve started a counter plot to out-plot him. If you ask me they’ve all lost the plot.

It’s a big week or two for Malcolm on the ETS. He’s in deep trouble if Ian only manages to get agreement to a pennysworth of amendments.

Let me know if you would like more detail about our amazingly good solutions for Afghanistan. I’ll bet you don’t get anything half as good from that Axelrod guy.

I still can’t find anything out about New Zealand. I think they may have knocked off for Christmas.

By the way we’re planning a huge Obama Fan Club Christmas Party for the 22nd December. Please let me know if you can make it.

Till next week.

Gaelene Woo,
President