‘I’m thinking of going green’ said George
I almost choked on my mouthful of organic dog food. George was having a mad moment and I sensed it would take all my animal cunning to avert a policy disaster which could bring the US economy to its knees.
‘I beg your pardon George’ I responded keeping my cool and hoping against hope that he was merely talking about becoming an alien.
‘Well you know’ said George ‘I thought I’d plant a few more trees in the White House garden, put a recycling bin in the Oval Office and install a half-flush in the en-suite’
I can’t tell you how relieved I felt. Mercifully George hadn’t become a greenie but was just into some feel-good stuff he’d picked up at a cocktail party
‘Oh that’s alright George’ I said ‘I was worried you were talking about replacing coal with solar power and wind power’
‘Good heavens Barney, you know me better than that’ said George ‘I leave all that stuff to Al Gore. Next thing you know he’ll be trying to power his car by farting into the petrol tank. By the way I heard him talking about the greenhouse effect recently. What the hell’s all that about?’
‘Well George’ I said ‘some climate scientists believe if we emit too much carbon into the atmosphere by burning fossil fuels like coal and oil the world will overheat’
‘Oh I understand’ said George ‘that’s the same sort of idea as the insulation we put in the roof last year. But you don’t believe all that stuff do you Barney?’
‘Well as your senior adviser’ I said ‘I have to carefully review all expert opinion and scientific data and maintain a rigorous ongoing analysis of all available…’
‘Alright alright’ said George ‘but you don’t’ believe all that dogshit do you?’
‘Well actually no George’ I admitted ‘but that’s not the point. We have to be aware of trends in voter attitudes and you have to be careful about your carbon footprint’
‘I know’ said George ‘I accidently trod in the coal bucket’
‘No, no’ I said ‘you have to be careful not to do things which significantly increase carbon emissions like fighting lots of wars, chopping down forests and allowing new vehicles which guzzle even more gas’
‘But wars and wood and gas guzzling are all good for business’ said George ‘Those greenies are as bad for business as a police raid in a brothel. Al Gore can’t seriously believe that cars will run on hydrogen and power stations can be driven by the sun. Besides Dick Cheney and I wouldn’t have any oil company directorships to keep us going in retirement’
‘Al believes that’s the only way we can save polar bears’ I said ‘and he has no doubt they’re a much more vital part of the eco-system than you and Dick.
‘The next thing’ said George ‘he’ll be campaigning again for President promising to run the country from a tree’
‘Well’ I said ‘he’d be in the ideal position to construct his new cabinet’
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