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Posts Tagged ‘Guantanamo Bay’

A Borderline Case - Thursday, May 20th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly found a spot on the Arizona side of the border wall with Mexico where he listened in to a conversation between two guards, Tony and Bill, from the Arizona Border Patrol. He has just sent us this exclusive report from the frontline against illegal Mexican immigration.

‘Pretty quiet tonight’ said Billy ‘I haven’t arrested an illegal in over 24 hours’

‘I’ve been mending holes in the wall’ said Tony ‘those goddam Hispanics could squeeze through a toothpaste tube’

‘You know’ said Billy ‘I feel sorry for some of them. They’re so desperate to get a job over here. I’ve arrested one guy five times, but he keeps coming back. Next time he’s promised to bring me some Mexican takeaway’

‘There’s half a million Hispanic illegals in Arizona’ said Tony ‘and we just can’t afford them, the state’s going bankrupt. If it gets any worse the only way Obama can solve the problem is declaring the state to be part of Mexico’

‘But I’m worried about the new laws in Arizona’ said Billy ‘Any Hispanic-looking person who breaks the law or acts suspiciously can be asked by the police to show his papers. That’s profiling Tony, it could happen to you’

‘Look’ said Tony ‘I know my name’s Rodriguez but my family’s been in Pheonix for eighty years. I’d love to be profiled and get in the paper. The boss said I needed to raise my profile’

‘Sometimes I think we should just leave the border open’ said Billy ‘I’m sure people wouldn’t mind checking in when they came across’

‘You have to be kidding’ said Tony ‘we’d lose our jobs and all those drug cartels just over there in Ciudad Juarez would cut out the middle men and set up shop all over America’

‘Yes I know’ said Billy ‘but the vast majority of the people I arrest are good blokes just hoping to do casual work here and send some dollars back to their families’

‘I know’ said Tony ‘and Obama can’t wait to make them citizens because they all vote Democrat. I agree with Governor Brewer and John McCain, we need to keep the illegals out. Next thing the Mexican soccer team will be playing home games in Phoenix’

‘But the illegals help our economy’ said Billy ‘they do all the crap jobs which Americans don’t want and what’s more they enrich our ethnic culture’

‘Bullshit’ said Tony ‘any country whose national dish is turkey in chocolate sauce couldn’t enrich lunch in a penitentiary. Tacos taste like Mike Tyson’s underpants’

‘I’m thinking of changing jobs’ said Billy ‘and becoming a city cop. Then I can protect the community from real criminals’

I’m staying right here’ said Tony ‘I’m determined to stop drug carriers, Al Qaeda and future Democrat voters getting into the country. I wouldn’t be surprised to find that mob from Guantanamo Bay trying to get in’

‘But what about the workers helping our economy?’ asked Billy

‘They contribute absolutely nothing and just take over our jobs and services’ said Tony ‘I’ll bet they try to climb over the wall at the Cardinals and D-Backs and get in for nothing there as well. Wait a minute. Come on Billy, there’s another bunch of illegals climbing the wall over there’

‘I’m with you Tony’ shouted Billy ‘I hope its that guy with my Mexican takeaway’

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Democracy’s not for Democrats - Friday, May 14th, 2010

Story No. 31

‘Now then Barney’ said George ‘I need your advice on my Inauguration Speech. I was thinking about a triumphal address with the theme ‘bury Kerry and downwards with Edwards’

‘Come on George’ I said ‘this is no time to be vindictive. It calls for magnanimity in victory. Kerry and Edwards may be the biggest non-event since the Bay of Pigs but this is a time of healing to proclaim a presidency which will not only unite the peoples of America but of the whole world’

‘Good heavens’ said George ‘where on earth did you get that bullshit from? You must have been watching old Ronald Reagan B movies’

‘No George’ I said ‘it was part of my acceptance address when I was elected Chief Barker at the Top Dog Congress last year. Of course I was talking about dogs but I believe there’s no reason why people can’t also come together in a civilized way’

‘Don’t get me wrong here Barney’ said George ‘I’m talking about a speech which reinforces my reputation as leader of the free world’

‘Yes I know’ I said ‘but it’s a question of whether you want to come across as just having won the Denver dwarf-throwing final or the US Presidency’

‘I see what you mean’ said George ‘reconciliator rather than terminator’

‘Right on George’ I said ‘your theme should be leading the world to a new era of freedom and democracy’

‘I like it’ said George ‘no people will live under the yoke of tyranny while I’m in office’

‘Except’ I said ‘Al Qaeda, the Washington Press Gallery, the Clintons, North Korea, Iran, Al Gore, the Taliban, left wing loonies in Hollywood, Michael Moore and Don Rumsfeld’

‘Why Don Rumsfeld?’ Asked George

‘Because he’s too dangerous to allow out on his own’ I responded ‘and what’s more he’s a racist. I heard him tell someone that he didn’t like Scottish Terriers’

‘I shall reassure everyone who has lost their freedom’ said George ‘that I shall not rest until their democratic rights are restored’

‘What about the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay?’ I asked

‘Oh they’re different’ said George ‘they’re not people they’re terrorists’

‘Osama bin Laden and Nancy Pelosi don’t agree’ I said ‘and what about all those guys renditioned by the CIA to covert overseas arm-twisting centres?’

‘Well only because that sort of thing isn’t allowed in the US’ said George ‘You’re not on their side are you?’

‘No George’ I said ‘it’s just that when I see Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz together sometimes I need to remind myself that we’re on the side of the good guys’

‘Ok’ said George ‘so my Inauguration Speech will be about freedom and democracy for ninety-nine percent of people’

‘Ninety-eight point eight’ I said ‘I forgot that the Chicago Democrats are a terrorist organisation’

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In Presient Obama’s Oval Office - Friday, March 12th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

OBAMA RUDD CALL

This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way back to the US, managed to penetrate White House security and found a place on an Oval Office wall just as the President was on the phone to the Prime Minister of Australia.


Guy showed great courage in undertaking this mission in view of the President’s well-publicised skills in fly zapping. Here is his exclusive report.

‘You’re right Kevin’ said Obama ‘I had no idea how difficult it would be to get a healthcare plan up and running.  It’s being blocked by Republicans and healthy people’

‘I see you’ve got Nicola Roxon out there fronting your hospitals plan. It’s such a great idea to have a patient doing the selling for you. I do hope she makes a full recovery’

‘The problem is I want a comprehensive healthcare plan but the Republicans just want to strip everything off.  No, not Sarah Palin thank goodness’

‘Those price-gouging health insurance companies only want to insure healthy people.  Yes that’s a great idea Kevin, a publicly owned health insurance scheme which only insures people in bad health but is paid for by taxes from healthy people.  Wait a bit though wouldn’t that mean that healthy people would claim to be suffering from some awful disease like neo-liberalism?  Of course, that would be a dead giveaway.  They’re just the people we want to tax.  Brilliant’

‘Will my healthcare plan send America broke?  Of course not.  We’ve had Barnaby Joyce over here going through the numbers and he’s found the trillions we owe are actually billions’

‘Yes I’m definitely going to try and get the healthcare bill passed through reconciliation.  What’s that?  Reconciliation works better if you say ‘sorry’ first. I don’t think that would work over here’

‘It looks like Gordon Brown’s going to lose the UK election.  Yes I know, he can be a terrible bully.  I don’t think it’s going to be a problem for us because David Cameron seems like forty-five degrees to the left of Sean Penn and the Chinese Politburo.

‘What’s the ETS situation down there?  Oh really, that bad.  Frankly we’re reluctant to do too much about climate change in the US in case we cause next winter to be even colder than this one.  But didn’t Malcolm Turnbull cross the floor to vote for the ETS?

Yes its such shame that  he’s a republican’

‘No sorry Kevin I can’t lease Guantanamo Bay to you just yet. I know you’ve got asylum seeker problems but someone in my administration has just had the brilliant idea that down there would be the ideal place to put the terrorists on trial.  Eric Holder wanted the trials to be in New York.  Can you imagine all the cost and the chaos that would cause?’

‘Yes.  I’m rally looking forward to the trip to Australia and meeting people like Tony Abbott.  Really, but I heard he was the leader of the liberals.  You mean to say that some of the liberals over there are conservatives?  Then how can I tell the difference between the left-wing liberals and the conservative liberals.  Oh I see the left-wing liberals are hairy and don’t dress very well just like Barney Frank.  Thanks that’s a real help’

‘Is there anything I can bring over for you? What about a copy of my healthcare plan? No ? Yes I’m really looking to addressing the joint session of parliament. Just a thought. Peter Garrett didn’t insulate the parliament building did he?’

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State of the Union preparation - Thursday, March 11th, 2010

Story No: 22

‘Now Barney’ said George, who was in one of his extraordinarily perky moods ‘I’m delivering the State of the Union Address in a couple of weeks. Any ideas about what I should say?’

If the truth be told I didn’t take the State of the Union gig all that seriously. It was really a theatrical feel-good extravaganza for George and all the hangers-on to reassure themselves that they are the greatest politicians in the world running the greatest country in the world. George could expect to be applauded at least seventy or eighty time during the speech for totally misleading everybody about what was actually going to happen.

‘George’ I said ‘this is your year to be truly inspirational. Tell them America is leading the way to a world free from carbon emissions, recessions, Saddam Hussein, Al Qaeda, Ahmadinejad, Rocky movies and Fred Snoggs’

‘But I like Rocky movies’ said George ‘I’m just sorry I never got to see one of his fights. By the way who is Fred Snoggs?’

‘He’s the chief dog-catcher in Washington DC’ I said ‘ Furthermore I recommend that you announce the opening of a new detention facility for terrorists at Guantanamo Bay’

‘Why on earth would we want to put it down there?’ asked George ‘Castro would be trying to shove his nose in’

‘Well I’m sure there would be room for him’ I said ‘but if you’re going to let the CIA loose with extreme measure like water-boarding, sleep deprivation and videos of Britney Spears concerts you don’t want liberals sniffing round the place. And Guantanamo Bay would really piss the liberals off because they couldn’t get down there to celebrate their ‘be nice to terrorists’ week.

‘Brilliant thinking Barney’ said George ‘now I thought I should also make a huge announcement about healthcare’

‘George’ I said ‘have you mislaid all your marbles? Healthcare is political disaster area. Remember what it did to Bill and Hillary? The strict rule for Republican Presidents is leave healthcare to the stuffed up by the Democrats like Kerry or Hillary or some nobody they resurrect out of Chicago. Republican Presidents specialise in stuffing up wars’.

‘That’s wonderfully perceptive Barney’ said George ‘anything else?’

‘Yes’ I said ‘you should announce a giant shake-up of the diplomatic service. Make Don Rumsfeld the Ambassador to Zimbabwe and make him wear black make-up. And make me Ambassador to Yapland’

‘Ok Barney very funny’ said George wearily ‘is that it?

‘Most importantly’ I said ‘you should make a major new announcement in the animal welfare field. I suggest a new kennel television channel created specially for dogs. It could feature dog races, sheep dog trials from New Zealand, Lassie films and all the latest dog shows so I can sniff out the really sexy bitches’

‘And I take it you would have your own show’ said George

‘Absolutely George’ I said ‘I would specialise in interviewing politicians who are barking mad’

‘Indeed’ said George ‘I thought you’d be presenting your own cooking show, because you’re always a bit close to the bone’

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Obama Healthcare, Sarkozy, Gabfest, Swine Flu, UN, Prince Edward - Friday, November 13th, 2009

carbon_emissions_masthead

Obama’s healthcare bill is 2000 pages long. The only way it will benefit your health is by using it for weight training.
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Sarkozy has opened a debate on what it means to be French. Well for a start it is essential to have at least two affairs on the go, be consistently rude about English food and be ready to meet your Waterloo.
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Since June Kevin has been to gabfests with world leaders in Italy, US, Jakarta, India and Singapore with Copenhagen coming up in December. It’s taking him almost as much time to run the world as it takes him to run Australia.

It was a shock to hear recently that Kevin had been described as ‘delusional’. Surely this didn’t infer that he’s not actually running the world, he just thinks he is, and in fact he’s only running Australia. It’s nothing to worry about. A visit to the spin doctor should fix it.
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Australia immigration authorities must be worried about the chances of a swine flu outbreak on the Oceanic Viking. That would prevent the asylum seekers going to Indonesia or Christmas Island. The Guantanamo Bay inmates have had swine flu jabs so it would be ok to send them there.
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The UN Climate Change Conference should recognise that the diplomatic emissions in Fiji have caused a marked climate change.
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Nancy Pelosi is just two heartbeats away from the US Presidency. Heaven forbid Obama and Joe Biden share a heart-stopping experience.
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Prince Edward’s recent visit to Australia was very successful in reviving interest in the republican movement.
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The Sri Lankan judges who got gigs in Fiji have been banned from visiting Australia. Quite right too. They could be asylum seekers in disguise.
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Obama, Bikies, Expense Rorts, Osama Bin Laden - Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

It is surely only a matter of time before Barack Obama identifies the optimum solution for disposing of Guantanamo Bay inmates. He simply has to contact a people smuggler in Indonesia and book the requisite number of berths on a boat to Australia.

Guantanamo graduates would be readily accepted as genuine refugees especially given their potential to move seamlessly into the western suburbs of Sydney as a bikie gang. Their ultimate destiny however may be in forming the first ever grog-free rugby league team and becoming the sobering solution for the NRL. And if they did indulge in terrorism from time to time it would be nothing in comparison with what’s currently going on in the game.
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For centuries the Westminster system of government has led the world in parliamentary democracy. It even moved with the times in the fifties by bravely setting a new standard in political sex scandals. Keen observers feared the system was failing when it produced Gordon Brown as prime minister but it soon bounced back with the ground -breaking parliamentary expenses rorts.

This audacious initiative won unprecedented cross-party support and is likely to be the catalyst for a powerful new political force called the Rorters Party. Once in government the party would deem expenses rorts to be a parliamentary privilege thus releasing politicians to focus on government best practice free of concerns about the condition of their moats and mistresses and whether they will be found out. This development could at last attract some of the UK’s finest minds into politics. If you pay peanuts you get monkeys but if you pay buckets of swill you get snouts in the trough.
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It is fascinating to speculate what policies Osama Bin Laden would pursue if he became US President.

Experts believe he would destroy the economy by incurring a mountain of debt, cripple the capitalist system by government takeover of banks and auto makers, appoint immoral people like tax cheats to his administration, release confidential photographs of prisoner abuse by the US armed forces, open talks without preconditions with anti-US governments, excoriate George W at every opportunity, tell people around the world that the US is arrogant and has made serious mistakes, wind down operations against terrorists and rename them ‘overseas contingency operations’, stop the CIA being beastly to terrorists during interrogations and close Guantanamo Bay and scatter its inmates all over the world.

Then during a presidential visit to Pakistan he would whip off his disguise and reveal his true identity.
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World leaders have been lighting up these depressing times with their colourful lives. The new president of South Africa has multiple wives, the French President is the latest rolling stone in Carla Bruni’s life and the Italian President is utterly beguiled by an eighteen year old. All we get from Kevin is hardhats and deficits. Now that he’s learned to say ‘budget deficit’ dare we hope he will graduate to other ‘b’ and ‘d’ words like ‘bedroom’ and ‘dirty weekend’?

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A Government Grant - Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

Yet again the brilliant investigative team at Friday Mash has scooped the competition in uncovering the real story behind Utegate. These sensational revelations come from an unimpeachable source on the inside codenamed Low Larynx.

The first major breakthrough came when he told us John Grant’s dealership wasn’t KIA but CIA. They specialise in terrorist vehicles which have been renditioned.

Then came the startling news that for years Godwin Grech has been a sleeper agent working for the NZ Temperance League. His real name is Fred Jones but he changed it to keep a low profile.

Godwin or Fred is a mate of Malcolm’s and was the Treasury official appointed by Wayne to oversee the Ozcar stimulus package for car dealers.

A few weeks ago the NZ Temperance League suddenly changed Godwin or Fred’s operational status to active because they had discovered a dastardly plot. The US was conniving with Kevin through the CIA dealership to spirit the remaining Guantanamo Bay inmates into NZ after the immigration service there had knocked off for the weekend.

While the League were encouraged by the prospect of so many potential new members they were aghast at the possibility of becoming a terrorist organisation.

Kevin agreed to become a party to the plot because he’s mates with Obama and he’s really pee-ed off with the Kiwis for still bleating about underarm bowling. What’s more he agreed to pay for it out of the Ozcar fund because the CIA dealership lent him a ute equipped with a chicken sandwich maker and a hair dryer.

Kevin instructed Godwin or Fred to cough up Ozcar dollars to the CIA dealership and told Wayne to phone, email and fax John Grant as much as possible so that if the plot leaked out Wayne would be in deeper than himself.

Godwin or Fred’s mission for the NZ Temperance League, which he accepted, was to stop funds getting to the CIA at all costs. In one blinding flash of sublime inspiration he saw how this could be accomplished. All he had to do was tell Malcolm and within ten minutes the plot would be as confidential as Britney Spears’ navel.

When Kevin found out that Malcolm had found out he called the whole thing off and told Obama to shove his inmates over the wall into Cuba.

The CIA dealership however was not happy. Their grand plot had been months in the planning and they were seething that Malcolm had stuffed it. To pay him back they developed a fiendishly cunning plan.

They decided to send a fake email to Godwin or Fred, purporting to come from Kevin’s office and instructing him to give favoured Ozcar treatment to their dealership. They surmised, correctly as it turned out, that Godwin or Fred, whom they knew to be a ruthless NZ Temperance League agent, would be highly perturbed by this latest Ozcar communication and would immediately hand it to Malcolm as proof of Kevin’s conniving ways.

Malcolm would then accuse poor innocent Kevin in public of all sorts of dreadful misdeeds only to be hit by a devastating counter-attack showing the email to be a fake, calling for Malcolm to be comprehensively, if not terminally, stuffed and for Godwin or Fred to be waterboarded on The 7.30 Report by Kerry O’Brien.

Things went exactly according to plan although Kevin did send Julia to Israel to confirm that the email wasn’t kosher.

Wayne can’t get into his house because it’s stuffed full of faxes from car dealers applying for Ozcar grants, the only grant the CIA dealership has got is John, Godwin or Fred has applied to be put back to sleep, the NZ Temperance League has announced an inquiry at a ladies lemonade luncheon and the NZ immigration service has been ordered to work weekends.

Next week Low Larynx will be coming out after being inside for false pretences.

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US and Us - Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

There are clear signs the US is in a mid-season slump what with money worries, the middle east, a young inexperienced president and Arnie threatening to terminate California.

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It’s time for their old mate Aussie to take on a coaching role and help them lift their game.

The trouble is Americans are constantly being told by politicians and the media that they are the greatest people in the world living in the greatest country in the world and you can forget all the rest. Secure in that knowledge in their own backyard they are the most warm and generous of people.

But when Americans arrive in godsown for the first time and discover to their utter astonishment that Australia is without doubt the world number one they immediately go into overseas shock syndrome. They become disorientated, wear loud clothes, try to buy the Opera House, proclaim loudly in restaurants they’ve had better service in Acron Ohio and get very upset when people don’t understand that the middle east is between Washington and Atlanta.

Overseas shock syndrome induces a complete character change. It is interesting that Americans never do waterboarding in their own country.

Sol Trujillo arrived in Australia convinced he was the greatest telecommunications chief executive in the world. After Kevin disabused him of that belief he successfully switched to gold mining. It all stemmed from a misunderstanding when he went to Kevin demanding to roll out the national broadband network and Kev offered to lend him his overalls, kneepads and hard hat.

In an unprecedented humanitarian gesture the Australian Government should urgently consider taking over Guantanamo Bay when it is vacated in January and converting it into an international re-orientation centre for American citizens. After a concentrated course there Americans like Sol would be able to stride confidently out into the world free from the risk of overseas shock syndrome. Those travelling to the middle east near Africa would receive schooling in the local vernacular like ‘fair suck of the Syrian sauce bottle’ and ‘would you like cous cous with that?’

The centre would place particular emphasis on choice of gear with warnings that any overseas wardrobe malfunctions like purple jeans plus an orange t-shirt with gold lettering which states ‘Americans are the world’s greatest lovers’ will attract severe sanctions both for bad taste and gross misrepresentation.

Owing to a series of most unfortunate recent events Kevin is in no position to help the US car industry through his Ozcar fund. It is understood however that Detroit is keen to get Malcolm over there because Kevin has told them he’s got no future in politics but he’s a powerful hybrid.

If you were selecting a country to lead peace and nuclear negotiations in the middle east the US would almost certainly figure well down your list adjacent to Iran and North Korea. However that ranking would soar dramatically if they had Kevin on board as a part-time consultant. Imagine what a powerful put-down it would be in response to a vitriolic Ahmadinejad barb if Obama could say ‘I’ll get back to you on that after I’ve talked to Kevin’. Obama knows he would be far better off consulting Kevin than past US presidents because a nerd in the hand is worth two Bushes.

Australia should advise the US to stop messing around in international affairs and concentrate on the things they do best like fast food. If they had persisted in persuading Ahmadinejad to go on a diet of McDonalds, Pizza Hut and KFC instead of slagging him off all the time he would no longer have that lean and hungry look and have no appetite for nuclear weapons.

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From China With Love - Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

Kevin Rudd was apprehensive about his US trip until Gordon Brown got out of there unscathed. This reassured him that the US policy of eliminating toxic assets did not apply to toxic bores.

Confidential White House sources have revealed that as Kevin stepped through the majestic portals he presented the president with three Chinese yuan because ‘its change we can believe in’.

It was immediately apparent to viewers of the White House soap opera that Barack and Kevin had slipped seamlessly into the roles previously played by George W and John. The more perceptive, however, noticed scratches and scuffs on the White House furniture, the unmistakable calling card of the man of steel.

The immediate meeting of the minds between Barack and Kevin put the seal on a heads of government encounter which brought together two of the most powerful figures of our generation, Michelle and Therese.

During an hour’s intensive discussion Barack and Kevin are understood to have developed a strategy to persuade the G-20 that China should be allowed to join the League of Anti Neo-Liberals and the Don’t Mention Tibet Society. They also designed a stimulus package for presentation to other G-20 members comprising smelling salts, an ancient Chinese aphrodisiac, an AIG bonus and an Obama alarm clock which wakes you up by shouting ‘yes we can’.

Barack skipped lunch because he had to check whether Timothy Geithner was a toxic asset or a toxic liability. Kevin had Chinese takeaway with Hillary who announced she was a cert for the democratic nomination in 2012 because thousands of Bill’s ex-girlfriends had decided to vote for her. They were very impressed by the way she handled their affairs.

There was a stir at the start of the G-20 Summit in London when Kevin announced in English that he was representing Australia rather than China and announced in Chinese that he couldn’t understand why he was constantly being connected with China.

The summit got down to business by blaming the global economic crisis on the banks, neo-liberalism and a failure to consult with China. And they asked Barack to check whether Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae were fronts for the Taliban.

They discussed a range of innovative solutions to the global economic crisis like extended credit from Mastercard, annexing Switzerland and a worldwide lottery with mind-blowing prizes like Guantanamo Bay and New Zealand. They ruled out robbing banks as pointless but thought it might be worthwhile after they get their next government handout.

The Summit’s inspiring final communiqué called on China to lead the world to a new dimension in neo-liberalism.

Latest reports indicate that Kevin is recovering well from his recent bout of yellow fever and has been cleared of any implication that his trip was paid for by a Chinese businesswoman.

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