Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

22nd January 2010

Dear Mr President,

We’re all so disappointed. Hillary canceled her visit to Australia. It’s such a shame. We even had the local mayor lined up for an official welcome.

We’re not sure whether she had to go and sort out another disaster in world affairs or in Bill’s affairs.
It was too late to invite Prince William to take her place. Lovely young fellow he is. I’d marry him myself if it wasn’t for Neville and the fact that I’m already Queen of the Beauthaven Beer Festival.

What on earth’s going on in your country? Fancy calling poor old Harry Reid a racist. He isn’t even in the Republican Party.
Even I was accused of racism last week. I refused to let this friend of Gladys’ join the club. Its true he’s a Sri Lankan but he’s also an absolute arsehole.

You’re not going to believe this but Penny Wong’s already rabbiting on about a third go at passing the ETS legislation. Its like having to sit through one of Fidel Castro’s speeches for a third time. Can’t you find her a position measuring climate change in Northern Alaska?

I know you’ll be thrilled to hear that this week our World Affairs Think Tank tackled one of the most momentous questions facing Australia, ‘Should we become a republic’. It would have been lovely to have Prince William there to speak on behalf of his mother.

Marge reckoned it all depends on what sort of republic. We don’t want to become a banana republic or a republic like Germany and Russia which don’t seem to have any fun and start all the wars. She recognised that the US was also a republic which started wars but at least you seem to have a bit of fun.

Gladys thought it was a shame that the US was no longer a monarchy because we could have played you at cricket and you wouldn’t be wasting so much time in the shower.

Cyril said it would be great if Australia became a republic because Malcolm Turnbull could become President and it would stop him making a nuisance of himself.

Mildred believed that Australia should stay a monarchy with an Aussie royal family. All our royal talent like Princess Mary are having to go abroad because of a lack of opportunities back home.

Our Mavis’ Bert agreed with Mildred and said that even the Welsh Rugby team had its own Queen.

Mavis thought that Malcolm Fraser is qualified to become King of Australia because he’s such a right royal pain in the ass.

Arthur thought we should become a republic to avoid getting a Queen whose only qualification for the job was a propensity for sending Charles potty with passion.

I summed it all up brilliantly by pointing out that as the Obama Fan Club was dedicated to a Democrat there’s no way we can support Australia becoming Republican.

I’m so excited that we’re producing such good stuff for you.

Till next week.

Gaelene Woo
President