Posts Tagged ‘healthcare’
A Suitable Case for Treatment
Following Obama’s visit to Afghanistan there’s no word yet on whether the Taliban have agreed to adopt his healthcare plan.
Not Holy Satisfactory
It is fascinating that Tony, who is at least the equal of Kevin in god-bothering, is never photographed outside a catholic church. Perhaps its just that no-one is willing to be photographed outside a catholic church these days except the police.
Drought Relief
Obama walks on water, Tony swims in it and Kevin passes it.
Very New Testament
On Q&A this week Tony expressed the view that we should treat asylum seekers as Jesus would have done but perhaps without the emphasis on going forth and multiplying.
See You Later Navigator
It is reported that the first communication from the crew of the Chinese ship which crashed into the Barrier Reef was ‘Is this Christmas Island?’
Frequent Cyclist
Tony Abbott’s objective on the 9 day Pollie Pedal between Melbourne and Sydney is to try and beat Jetstar’s slowest ever time for the trip.
Not Out of the Woods Yet
The Pope reportedly has no plans to consult Tiger Woods about sex addiction treatment for priests.
Going Round in Ever Increasing Circles
The true meaning of Building the Education Revolution is making the schools stimulus money go round to more people.
Tags: Afghanistan, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Barrier Reef, Catholic Church, Chinese ship, Christmas Island, drought, education revolution, healthcare, healthcare plan, Jesus, Jetstar, Kevin Rudd, New Testament, sex addiction, Taliban, The Pope, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
9th April 2010
Dear Mr President,
You are simply not going to believe this. My beloved Eels got beaten by the Cronulla Sharks of all people. That’s like your mob the Chicago White Sox getting trounced by the Alaskan Little Leaguers coached by Sarah Palin.
I follow the Eels religiously especially at Easter but sometimes my faith is sorely tested especially now that the Tigers are playing like Angels.
What do you think about this dreadful business with the catholic priests. I hope you’ve given the Pope a bit of a rollocking over it. I’d love to give him a piece of my mind. Fancy confessing to someone who’s got more to confess than you have. If he needs any help tell the Pope I’ve got a guaranteed way of making a prelate celibate. Give him a good hard kick in the cobblers.
I was shocked to hear that Malcolm’s getting out of politics though I wont miss him much and neither will Tony. Fancy trying to get Kevin fired for doing his mate John a good turn. Then he tried to help Kevin with the ETS and really stuffed that. And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it was Malcolm who persuaded Kevin to get into that insulation mess.
Malcolm reminded me of someone driving one of those Toyota cars with the accelerator jammed on 200kms an hour. He was racing flat out towards the prime ministers office knocking over Brendan Nelson and Godwin Grech on the way before finally crashing into the ETS barrier which Kevin had craftily put in his way.
I’m terribly worried that Kevin is overheating. He’s trying to stop global warming and people’s roofs catching fire while Tony’s applying a blowtorch to his backside over schools and hospitals.
Neville says that if you’ve got a few bucks to spare he’ll go into partnership with you in a hospitals building company and there might still be some business to pick up from schools. In view of where most of his stimulus money’s been going recently I’m sure Kevin would see it as an improvement if some of it landed up in the US.
Owing to the Easter break we didn’t have a meeting of the World Affairs Think Tank this week. Hope that’s ok with you. Instead Mildred and I went down to the Canberra Press Club to hear Bob Brown talk about securing Australia’s future energy needs. According to him coal and gas are a total no-no, nuclear power is worse and all he’s keen on is wavepower and windpower. It all sounded like a load of piss and wind to me.
Have you read about that huge Chinese ship carrying coal which crashed into the Barrier Reef? Bloody outrage. I’d arrest the captain and charge him with cruising round the Barrier Reef without a licence from Queensland Tourism. Then I’d sentence him to ten years and send him back to China in exchange for Stern Hu and a massive iron ore contract.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Alaskan Little Leaguers, Balmain Tigers, Barrier Reef, Bob Brown, Brendan Nelson, Canberra Press Club, Chicago White Sox, China, Cronulla Sharks, education revolution, Eels, ETS, global warming, Godwin Grech, healthcare, iron ore, John Howard, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Queensland Tourism, Sarah Palin, Stern Hu, stimulus, The Pope, Tony Abbott, Toyota cars, US
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Story No. 26
‘As you know Barney’ said George ‘I’ve been unanimously adopted as the Republican candidate for a second term as president. I need your help with my acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention’
I had to admit that Karl Rove was a dab hand at pulling election campaigns together, but George obviously wanted me to add a touch of finesse.
‘That’s easy George’ I said ‘all you need do is promise to keep the country safe from terrorists, keep dollars in everyone’s pocket and be kind to animals’
It wasn’t something I could get too excited about. There was zero chance the Convention would reject George as their candidate and the delegates would applaud and scream ecstatically even if he told them all to go and get nicked.
‘You know Barney’ said George ‘I feel the need to reach out to every American citizen, to outline my vision of a truly great nation of which they can all feel proud’
‘Sorry George’ I said ‘that’s lead balloon stuff. We’re already a truly great nation but citizens like me can hardly be proud at the prospect of Dick Cheney as vice-president for another four years’
‘But the country is expecting great things of me’ said George
‘Look George’ I said ‘I’ve told you before that you don’t promise great things because people will only get disappointed. You’ve got to understand that politicians don’t do great things; they rather recognise great things when they see them and claim all the credit’
‘What about healthcare’ asked George hopefully ‘Karl thinks that might be an area to concentrate on’
‘Well I suppose you could say something about reforming health insurance’ I said ‘your mates in the industry are getting away with murder. You can bet John Kerry will be promising healthcare reforms he hasn’t got a hope in Harlem of delivering. How about promising to force health insurance companies to insure people who are sick?’
‘Are you kidding?’ said George ‘that would be like forcing people to buy clapped out old cars’
‘Ok’ I said ‘how about closing the border with Mexico?’
‘No way’ said George ‘that would stop all that cheap labour coming here’
‘Yes’ I said ‘but what you’re getting as well is cheap drugs and drug-pushers. The border will soon become known as Cocaine Crossing’
‘I should say something about foreign policy’ said George ‘perhaps I should get closer to Tony Blair’
‘You have to be joking’ I said ‘even the UK Labor Party is trying to distance themselves from him. Your foreign policy priority is to destroy terrorism wherever it raises its ghastly head whether its in Iraq, Afghanistan or the John Kerry for President Committee.
‘Right on Barney’ said George ‘now we’re getting somewhere. Anything else I should mention?’
‘Yes’ I said ‘just remind the convention that Kerry’s married to the Heinz baked beans heiress. That’s why he’s so full of wind’.
Tags: Afghanistan, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Cocaine, Cocaine Crossing, Dick Cheney, full of wind, George Bush, George W Bush, health insurance, healthcare, Heinz, Iraq, John Kerry, Mexico, President, President of USA, Republican, Terrorism, Tony Blair, UK Labor Party, Wind power
Posted in Bush and Barney | 1 Comment »
No longer in their prime
It’s so stimulating when former prime ministers re-enter the political debate.
After a long pregnancy Malcolm Fraser has finally gone into Labor. John Howard is claiming that Tony Abbott is his clone and has sparked an urgent undercover mission to find and destroy the laboratory responsible.
Paul Keating is all bananas and no republic.
Fair and unbalanced
There was a wonderful interlude recently on Lateline. See: http://www.abc.net.au/reslib/201003/r533047_3045728.asx
Tony Jones asked Stephen Conroy the Minister for Communications if he knew anyone at the ABC who was prejudiced against climate change sceptics. Incredibly Stephen answered in the negative. They obviously haven’t been introduced.
Canberra confidential
The Federal Government is refusing to release the Henry Tax Review and the National Broadband Network Review. If early indications are anything to go by they’re welcome to keep the Budget to themselves as well.
It’s really the pits
Hillary cancelled, Yudhoyono postponed once and now Obama’s done it twice. Surely it’s time Kevin’s best friend took him aside for some personal advice.
Acting minister
The home insulation scheme tragedy is now into its second act. As Arts Minister Peter Garrett should fund a stage production.
Termination of terminals
The Sydney Metro was Nathan Rees’ conception but Kristina exercised a woman’s choice by opting for a half billion dollar abortion.
There’s no accounting for it
Obama managed to get the healthcare bill passed but paying it could send the US bankrupt.
Worm droppings
In the great hospitals debate it was sad that the worm didn’t find Tony’s crack about Kevin being the parliamentary anaesthetist at all amusing. Furthermore it was most noticeable that from that point the worm went to sleep while Tony was talking.
Tags: ABC, abortion, Barack Obama, healthcare, Henry Tax Review, Hillary Clinton, home insulation scheme, John Howard, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, Lateline, Malcolm Fraser, Nathan Rees, Paul Keating, Peter Garrett, President Obama, Stephen Conroy, Sydney Metro, the Worm, Tony Abbott, Tony Jones, US bankrupt, Yudhoyono
Posted in Carbon Emissions | 12 Comments »
Street Wear
When he’s out promoting school hall building programmes Kevin wears a hard hat and he wears surgeon’s gear when he’s talking up his hospitals plan. What on earth will he wear to announce his policy for brothels?
Swearing Out Ceremony
There is a move in California to legislate against foul language. This is indicative that the State Treasury is only slightly more bankrupt than Californian English.
Blocker
The Labor Government wheeled out Stephen Conroy, Jennie Macklin, Penny Wong, Lindsay Tanner and Nicola Roxon for a media conference to moan about Tony Abbott blocking things. These are the architects of the disastrous Telstra plan, the laughable Aboriginal Housing Scheme, the ETS, the debt and deficit and the half-baked hospitals plan. Keep up the good work Tony.
Welcome to the Asylum
News that Yudhoyono is going to arrest people smugglers opens up the prospect of a real earner for the federal government. They could offer asylum seekers a cruise from Indonesia to Christmas Island on the Oceanic Viking for only five thousand dollars. This is less than the people smugglers charge, would earn unstinted praise from Amnesty International and could encourage Hyatt Hotels to build a decent pad on Christmas Island.
Travelling by Tube
It was disappointing to hear that Lara’s engagement ring had gone down the toilet especially, as now seems likely, she was wearing it at the time.
Unsuitable Treatment
It turned really frosty in Sydney when Kevin dropped in to talk to Kristina about hospitals. This was obviously another disastrous effect of climate change.
Non-Stop Motoring
Experts advise that you should only engage cruise control on Toyota vehicles if you’re low on petrol and on a long trip down a straight motorway.
Obama Drama
It looks like Obama wont be coming to Australia until his healthcare bill has been passed. He’s blaming Tony Abbott for blocking it in the Senate.
Tags: Aboriginal Housing Scheme, Amnesty International, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, Climate Change, ETS, Health, healthcare, healthcare bill, hospitals, Hyatt Hotels, Indonesia, Jennie Macklin, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, KRudd, Labor Government, Labour Party, Lara Bingle, Lindsay Tanner, Nicola Roxon, Oceanic Viking, Penny Wong, people smugglers, Peter Costello, Stephen Conroy, Telstra, Tony Abbott, Toyota, Yudhoyono
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No Interest
No wonder the Reserve Bank doesn’t have any customers. It’s always the first to raise interest rates.
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Full Montys
Everyone who turned up at the Opera House with their gear off had parts in the mass nude shoot. Most of them were private.
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The Right Prescription
Kevin’s hospitals plan is very timely. People are beginning to get sick of him.
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A Suitable Case for Treatment
State governments running hospitals are not good for our health, the federal-state shared responsibility structure is a bigger health threat than smoking, and giving Nicola Roxon sole charge of hospitals would make Peter Garrett look like an expert on safety in the home.
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A Candidate for Premier
It is difficult to ascertain if Michelle Chantelois is a candidate in the upcoming South Australian election. Most commentators, however, agree that she’s an also-Rann.
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A Really Sorry Day
Political strategists believe it will be another six months before Kevin starts apologising for his hospitals plan.
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The Name Game
Hugo Chavez recently called Hillary Clinton ‘the blond Condoleezza’. How outrageous. The next thing he‘ll be calling Obama ‘the black George W Bush’.
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Bad Taste
Following his sojourn in the outback Tony Abbott is undecided about which left the nastier taste in his mouth, Malcolm crossing the floor or witchetty grubs.
Tags: Barack Obama, Condoleezza Rice, George W Bush, Health, healthcare, Hillary Clinton, hospitals, Hugo Chavez, interest rates, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Michelle Chantelois, Mike Rann, Nicola Roxon, Opera House, Peter Garrett, President of US, RBA, Sorry, Tony Abbott, witchetty grubs
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
12th March 2010
Dear Mr President,
On the whole I think Kevin’s had a slightly better week.
He’s stopped apologising and gone into hospitals. I think he went in for an operation to remove Peter Garrett but it only seems to have been partially successful.
Hopefully his minders will stop him doing tours of the wards. He’s got the bedside manner of a bedpan.
I must say that much as I love him there are times when I feel like giving Kevin a really good shake. Just as he gets out from under roofs falling in on him he goes and picks a fight with the state premiers over hospitals.
Mind you I think Kevin’s on the right track. Your chances of survival in a NSW hospital are roughly equivalent to those of a suicide bomber on a second mission.
The NSW state premier is a lovely woman, one of your mob from Toledo Ohio. I’m sure she doesn’t know an enema from a seminar but she’s really got her knickers in a twist about Kevin’s hospitals plan. And if it turns into a beauty contest with Kristina things could really turn ugly for Kevin.
Its been reported that Kevin is not going abroad much this year. I think that’s because he’s going to spend much more time in church praying to Mary MacKillop. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if Kevin was her third miracle.
Now I know its only a week or two before you arrive here but we thought it would be really useful for you if the World Affairs Think Tank came up with some great ideas for your address to the joint session of the Australian Parliament. Hopefully you’ll have enough time to slot our stuff in.
Our Mavis’ Bert’s brother Fred thought you should have a devastating response ready if Bob Brown interrupts you just like he interrupted George W. He suggested ‘Shut up you Tassie tree-hugger. They serve wood chips like you at McDonalds’.
Marge said you should remind our pollies that there’s as much chance of insulating Australia’s economy from the global financial pressures as there is of insulating Australia from the second go at the home insulation scheme.
Cyril suggested you could significantly boost Kevin’s morale by explaining how much deeper you’ve led the US into the financial doodoo compared with us.
Mildred wanted you to tell our Parliament to be ready to take over as the most powerful nation in the world in case your country drops its bundle. She said it was important to for us to step in ahead of China because they if they got too much power they might intern Kevin for speaking Chinese with a Canberra accent and stop us bowling chinamen.
Joyce said that if you wanted to raise a laugh you could tell our parliamentarians you saw more of Kevin last year than they did.
I expressed the hope that you will give Kevin a real rap because he really needs it. And whatever you do don’t mention the ETS or Kevin getting pissed in a New York nightclub.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Bob Brown, China, ETS, George Bush, George W Bush, Greens, healthcare, home insulation scheme, hospitals, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, Mary MacKillop, McDonalds, NSW Premier, Obama Fan Club, Peter Garrett, President of US, Sorry, suicide bomber, Toledo Ohio
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Story No: 22
‘Now Barney’ said George, who was in one of his extraordinarily perky moods ‘I’m delivering the State of the Union Address in a couple of weeks. Any ideas about what I should say?’
If the truth be told I didn’t take the State of the Union gig all that seriously. It was really a theatrical feel-good extravaganza for George and all the hangers-on to reassure themselves that they are the greatest politicians in the world running the greatest country in the world. George could expect to be applauded at least seventy or eighty time during the speech for totally misleading everybody about what was actually going to happen.
‘George’ I said ‘this is your year to be truly inspirational. Tell them America is leading the way to a world free from carbon emissions, recessions, Saddam Hussein, Al Qaeda, Ahmadinejad, Rocky movies and Fred Snoggs’
‘But I like Rocky movies’ said George ‘I’m just sorry I never got to see one of his fights. By the way who is Fred Snoggs?’
‘He’s the chief dog-catcher in Washington DC’ I said ‘ Furthermore I recommend that you announce the opening of a new detention facility for terrorists at Guantanamo Bay’
‘Why on earth would we want to put it down there?’ asked George ‘Castro would be trying to shove his nose in’
‘Well I’m sure there would be room for him’ I said ‘but if you’re going to let the CIA loose with extreme measure like water-boarding, sleep deprivation and videos of Britney Spears concerts you don’t want liberals sniffing round the place. And Guantanamo Bay would really piss the liberals off because they couldn’t get down there to celebrate their ‘be nice to terrorists’ week.
‘Brilliant thinking Barney’ said George ‘now I thought I should also make a huge announcement about healthcare’
‘George’ I said ‘have you mislaid all your marbles? Healthcare is political disaster area. Remember what it did to Bill and Hillary? The strict rule for Republican Presidents is leave healthcare to the stuffed up by the Democrats like Kerry or Hillary or some nobody they resurrect out of Chicago. Republican Presidents specialise in stuffing up wars’.
‘That’s wonderfully perceptive Barney’ said George ‘anything else?’
‘Yes’ I said ‘you should announce a giant shake-up of the diplomatic service. Make Don Rumsfeld the Ambassador to Zimbabwe and make him wear black make-up. And make me Ambassador to Yapland’
‘Ok Barney very funny’ said George wearily ‘is that it?
‘Most importantly’ I said ‘you should make a major new announcement in the animal welfare field. I suggest a new kennel television channel created specially for dogs. It could feature dog races, sheep dog trials from New Zealand, Lassie films and all the latest dog shows so I can sniff out the really sexy bitches’
‘And I take it you would have your own show’ said George
‘Absolutely George’ I said ‘I would specialise in interviewing politicians who are barking mad’
‘Indeed’ said George ‘I thought you’d be presenting your own cooking show, because you’re always a bit close to the bone’
Tags: Ahmadinejad, Al Qaeda, animal welfare, Bill Clinton, Britney Spears, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Carbon Emissions, CIA, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Guantanamo Bay, healthcare, Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, New Zealand, recessions, Rocky, Saddam Hussein, State of the Union, Terrorism, Zimbabwe
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
5th March 2010
Dear Mr President,
It’s been a terrible week here and I feel so sorry for poor Kevin.
I know its been such a strain on him claiming to be perfect all the time but I’m having trouble suddenly adjusting to the fact he’s stuffed up.
You know how Tony Abbott’s always going on about what a non-event he is, well Kevin’s started to agree with him.
As I said to Neville this is just like his mother agreeing with everything I say about her, the old cow. Oops, sorry I always get carried away when I think about her.
Kevin is admitting his mob have totally ballsed up the home insulation scheme, hospitals and supplying school kids with computers. Next he’ll be thanking Tony for helping him understand what a failure he is.
It’s a good job you’re coming to visit him because I’m sure it will help give him a bit of confidence back. Why don’t you tell him when you did that mea culpa stuff in Europe and the Middle East it only helped people understand that the US was as bad as they’d always thought it was.
By the way while you’re here please don’t mention the ETS. Now you’re not doing one it will only make Kevin feel like a bit of a goose.
We’re still hopeful that you can visit the Club.The local bakery has promised us buns with stars and stripes icing.
I’m pretty sure the Eels have got a home game while you’re here. Neville and I are both members so there would be no problem getting you good tickets.
This week the Club’s World Affairs Think Tank tackled one of the most profound issues facing this region “What is New Zealand’s future role in world affairs?” I wasn’t prepared for what followed.
Cyril reckoned it is the ideal place to test Tony Abbott’s latest idea for tackling global warming, a huge snow-making machine.
Marge said it should become the next centre for world terrorism and give the Middle East a chance to settle things down a bit.
Our Mavis’ Bert saw the country as the centre for another major initiative against global warming, the grass diet. Twenty-two million sheep can’t be wrong. He reckoned that the New Zealand diet is an issue which has been eating away at sheep for some time.
Mildred believed New Zealand offered the ideal environment for the world’s leading sex addiction academy. She should know, she’s a qualified instructor.
Ron thought it should be declared a Peter Garrett free zone because it was already insulated from the rest of the world.
Doris suggested that the Australian Government should launch an advertising campaign in Afghanistan and Sri Lanka promoting New Zealand as the preferred destination for asylum seekers.
Fred was convinced that New Zealand’s future role in world affairs was similar to having your head in the sand at the end of a bungee jump.
I summed it all up by saying that my Kiwi mates would never speak to me again if they heard what had been said. And please don’t mention anything to Kevin.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Afghanistan, asylum seekers, education, ETS, healthcare, home insulation scheme, immigration, Kevin Rudd, New Zealand, sex addiction, Tony Abbott
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 1 Comment »
Story No: 12
I think it was in October 2003 that I was chatting to George in the Oval Office about vital matters of state when his social secretary asked if she could see him.
I have to admit to being slightly irritated by the intrusion. George and I were deeply into the economy and healthcare and here was this pushy woman bursting into the joint to talk about a cocktail party.
‘Mr President’ said the ballbuster ‘I need your advice about plans for the White House Christmas Party’
This was different. I had a vital interest in the White House Christmas Party because the leftovers were a doggy bag treat that lasted weeks.
‘The key recommendations’ she continued ‘from the White House Christmas Party planning committee are that the theme should be ‘I’m dreaming of a White House Christmas’, the menu should comprise Virginia Ham, Goobledegook Turkey with stuffing and ………………………….’
‘That’s the stuff’ I thought and I was even beginning to warm to the woman when things started to go off the rails.
‘That all sounds terrific Molly’ said George ‘great job. But this year I have something different in mind. I am thinking of taking a White House delegation out into the streets of major cities to hand out gifts and cash to ordinary Americans. What’s more, I could give inspiring speeches about my government having the Christmas spirit all year round’
My spirits, both Christmas and non-Christmas sank. Not only could I say goodbye to all those lovely Christmas leftovers, but here was a security disaster waiting to happen with George planning to tour the country as a sort of two-bit Father Christmas. The media would have a field day. It would be like me handing out sardines at a Cat Show.
‘Wonderful idea Mr President’ cooed ballbuster Molly
I had to put a stop to this nonsense before it got out of hand. With a tremendous effort of self-will I managed to keep my mouth shut but decided the situation called for drastic action. So I wondered over to Molly and pissed on her shoe. I thought about pooing but decided that this was after all the Oval Office and a degree of decorum was required. Furthermore I calculated I could control the pissing so that an absolute minimum reached the carpet.
‘Oh no’ shrieked Molly suddenly ‘Mr President I’m afraid your dog has disgraced himself on my shoe and its even leaked through to my foot’
‘Barney, why the hell did you do that?’ asked George after Molly had squelched her way out. Luckily there was only a drop or two on the carpet.
‘George, I had to nip things in the bud’ I explained ‘As your senior adviser I couldn’t allow you to proceed with a plan which, while not wholly without merit, would promote you as a cross between Mother Theresa, Ronald McDonald and a poor man’s Father Christmas. The next thing Macy’s would be offering you a contract for a festive season in their Children’s Christmas Grotto’
‘But Barney’ protested George ’I want to present myself as the people’s president, kindly and generous to a fault’
‘George’ I said ‘you’ve got to behave like a head of state. Just follow the example of the Queen. Do your Christmas Message on TV and get some minions to hand out a few bucks here and there’
‘So you think I should do the White House Christmas Party as usual’ said George
‘Right on, especially the Virginia Ham’ I said trying not to salivate at the potential doggy bag delicacies.
‘Ok’ said George ‘let’s get Molly back in. I hope she’s changed her shoes’
Tags: Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Christmas, Father Christmas, George Bush, George W Bush, healthcare, Macy's, Mother Theresa, Oval Office, Ronald McDonald, The Queen, White House Christmas Party
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