Posts Tagged ‘Hillary Clinton’
Story No: 22
‘Now Barney’ said George, who was in one of his extraordinarily perky moods ‘I’m delivering the State of the Union Address in a couple of weeks. Any ideas about what I should say?’
If the truth be told I didn’t take the State of the Union gig all that seriously. It was really a theatrical feel-good extravaganza for George and all the hangers-on to reassure themselves that they are the greatest politicians in the world running the greatest country in the world. George could expect to be applauded at least seventy or eighty time during the speech for totally misleading everybody about what was actually going to happen.
‘George’ I said ‘this is your year to be truly inspirational. Tell them America is leading the way to a world free from carbon emissions, recessions, Saddam Hussein, Al Qaeda, Ahmadinejad, Rocky movies and Fred Snoggs’
‘But I like Rocky movies’ said George ‘I’m just sorry I never got to see one of his fights. By the way who is Fred Snoggs?’
‘He’s the chief dog-catcher in Washington DC’ I said ‘ Furthermore I recommend that you announce the opening of a new detention facility for terrorists at Guantanamo Bay’
‘Why on earth would we want to put it down there?’ asked George ‘Castro would be trying to shove his nose in’
‘Well I’m sure there would be room for him’ I said ‘but if you’re going to let the CIA loose with extreme measure like water-boarding, sleep deprivation and videos of Britney Spears concerts you don’t want liberals sniffing round the place. And Guantanamo Bay would really piss the liberals off because they couldn’t get down there to celebrate their ‘be nice to terrorists’ week.
‘Brilliant thinking Barney’ said George ‘now I thought I should also make a huge announcement about healthcare’
‘George’ I said ‘have you mislaid all your marbles? Healthcare is political disaster area. Remember what it did to Bill and Hillary? The strict rule for Republican Presidents is leave healthcare to the stuffed up by the Democrats like Kerry or Hillary or some nobody they resurrect out of Chicago. Republican Presidents specialise in stuffing up wars’.
‘That’s wonderfully perceptive Barney’ said George ‘anything else?’
‘Yes’ I said ‘you should announce a giant shake-up of the diplomatic service. Make Don Rumsfeld the Ambassador to Zimbabwe and make him wear black make-up. And make me Ambassador to Yapland’
‘Ok Barney very funny’ said George wearily ‘is that it?
‘Most importantly’ I said ‘you should make a major new announcement in the animal welfare field. I suggest a new kennel television channel created specially for dogs. It could feature dog races, sheep dog trials from New Zealand, Lassie films and all the latest dog shows so I can sniff out the really sexy bitches’
‘And I take it you would have your own show’ said George
‘Absolutely George’ I said ‘I would specialise in interviewing politicians who are barking mad’
‘Indeed’ said George ‘I thought you’d be presenting your own cooking show, because you’re always a bit close to the bone’
Tags: Ahmadinejad, Al Qaeda, animal welfare, Bill Clinton, Britney Spears, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Carbon Emissions, CIA, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Guantanamo Bay, healthcare, Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, New Zealand, recessions, Rocky, Saddam Hussein, State of the Union, Terrorism, Zimbabwe
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Story No: 21
George was away in the UK so I was treating myself to a lie-in when the dog-and-bone rang in my kennel. It had to be George. He was the only one who knew the number.
‘Hi Barney’ he said ‘sorry to bark at you so early in the morning’
George had cracked that funny at least a dozen times previously and still thought it was hilarious.
Actually the call was useful because it reminded me I still hadn’t developed a cunning plan to send my phone number to that bitch at the Clinton’s
‘I’m having trouble over here with Tony Blair and his gang’ said George ‘and I need a bit of advice’
I was very proud of my iron self-control. I resisted the temptation to say ‘I told you so’ and ‘you should never have got involved with that Labor bunch of limeys in the first place’
‘They’re doing a bit of backsliding on Iraq’ George went on ‘Tony’s getting depressed about the whole thing, the British public’s on his clacker and one of his ministers, Gordon Brown, is trying to bully me. What should I do?’
‘I think you should take a deep breath’ I said ‘and go and get tickets for the Arsenal versus Manchester United game’
The Gordon Brown thing surprised me. I had only encountered him once and as he was a Scot and a bit of a terrier like me I was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. But trying to bully George was simply not to be tolerated.
‘First of all George’ I said ‘tell Gordon Brown that if he doesn’t stop behaving like Mel Gibson in Braveheart the CIA will get Mossad to steal his passport and arrange for it to be found in a pair of Scottish y-fronts at the scene of a wild sex party for Latvian cross-dressers’
‘Then tell Tony Blair to stop listening to his wife and the union movement and send all those Pakistani clerics back home. Make him understand if he doesn’t pull his finger out the UK will soon overtake Afghanistan as the centre of world terrorism.
‘Is that all?’ asked George
‘That’s not half of it’ I said ‘then go and see the Queen and tell her to summon Tony and give him the biggest bollocking of his life and inject some British Bulldog Spirit into him. Scottish terriers understand all about that’
‘Ok thanks Barney’ said George
‘Hold on George’ I said ‘then take Tony out to dinner and get him absolutely hammered on the sauce. Next get the CIA to pick him up, take him to a massage parlour and get some really sordid photos. Finally they should write to him enclosing the photos and threatening to send a copy of everything to the Mirror if he doesn’t deliver on Iraq. Welcome to the world of high-powered international diplomacy’
‘I’m shocked’ said George ‘there can’t be anything else’
‘Oh yes’ I said ‘please pass on my regards to the Queen’s corgis while you’re at the Palace. We exchange emails about the privations of being owned by Heads of State’
‘There can’t be more’ said George
‘And most important of all’ I said ‘make sure that Arsenal wins. Goodbye George’
Tags: Afghanistan, Arsenal, Bill Clinton, British Bulldog, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, CIA, George Bush, George W Bush, Gordon Brown, Hillary Clinton, Manchester United, Mel Gibson, Mossad, The Queen, Tony Blair
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
19th February 2010
Mr President,
I can’t tell you how excited we all are about your visit. Marge almost had to go to emergency last week because she was overheating.
The mayor is standing by and thinks he can get the day off if you can find time to visit Beauthaven. We haven’t heard back from your social secretary yet so perhaps you could jog her memory.
Instead of our usual World Affairs Think Tank this week the Club put on a Sarah Palin Roast and Half-Price Beer Night. It was a huge success but I think Neville got a bit upset about some of the things they said about Sarah because he fancies her just like Hillary. He once told me I was the same type as Sarah. Next thing he’ll be inviting me out moose-shooting.
I’m really excited that the Club picked up four new members at the Roast but I‘m not convinced we’ll keep them once the beer goes back to full price.
The committee thought it would be useful if I passed on a few tips about Australia to help you plan your trip. I know the embassy in Canberra will be briefing you but its not like they live in Australia.
Now I know you’re used to flying into major capital cities like London and Washington. Flying into Canberra may be a bit of a shock. Don’t be surprised if it seems like you’re flying into Kevin’s country estate instead.
The airport building is about half as big as Air Force One. In fact while you’re there some people might mistake it for the airport building.
Canberra’s not what you’d call a shopper’s paradise. If Michele wants to do any shopping here I suggest you drop her off in Sydney and I’ll show her round.
Mildred suggested I reassure you that it will be quite safe to go into the Australian Parliament because Peter Garrett hasn’t insulated the roof.
By the way there’s a whole lot of Afghans and Sri Lankans in Indonesia who are trying to get into Australia. When you call in there make sure your security guys are on the lookout for potential stowaways on Air Force One. It wouldn’t be a good look if you disembarked in Sydney with a bunch of asylum seekers.
You might have to be sprayed by the immigration authorities before you land in Canberra but usually they only spray septics who are Republicans.
I know you’ll have a great time in Canberra chatting up Kevin and Julia. They’re such lovely people. And I know you’ll do your best to be polite when you meet Tony Abbott and Joe Hockey; don’t be surprised if Joe’s dressed as Tinkerbell. And if Barnaby Joyce tells you to ‘bugger off’ that’s only the Nationals way of trying to be matey.
Oh and don’t be surprised by the Federal Parliament Building being partly underground. They designed it that way to conceal the fact that our politicians have got their heads buried in the sand.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Air Force One, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Hillary Clinton, Joe Hockey, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Michele Obama, Obama Fan Club, Peter Garrett, Sarah Palin, Tony Abbott
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
12th February 2010
Mr President,
I’m terribly worried about you and Kevin.
How can the two most brilliant, charismatic and loved leaders of our time be taking a bath in the opinion polls? Doesn’t the public recognise messiahs when they see them?
I know its all about democracy and everyone being entitled to their own opinion but how on earth could anyone rank Sarah Palin and Tony Abbott in the same league as you two?
Admittedly that Palin woman has got a bit of get up and go about her, is a dab hand at moose shooting and I’m sure Neville secretly fancies her but she does tend to shriek a bit and if she was invited to a tea party round here no-one else would turn up. Imagine her having the audacity to believe she’s in the same league as Hillary and all the other women Bill knows.
And as for Tony Abbott he’s just a rugby rah-rahing boxing, cycling, bush firefighting, womanising, ironmaning, lifesaving, Rhodes Scholaring, budgie smuggling larrikin who thinks that Kevin is nothing but a toxically boring, preening and prissying little two-faced nerd. There’s just no comparison. Neville can’t stand Tony because he didn’t play rugby league.
Kevin appeals to women much more than Tony. That’s because Tony’s dated most of them and they know what he’s like. He spent most of his younger years persuading them to give up their virginity and, mark my words, his big promise at the next election will be to give them all back.
This week the club’s World Affairs Think Tank tackled an education issue of profound worldwide relevance; ‘Should we teach sex in schools?‘ We selected it specially to give you some guidance on future policy development in this vital area.
Marge made an unusually incisive contribution. She said it all depended on how you interpreted the question. She is all in favour of teaching sex in schools but not having sex in schools. Apparently it put her off for years.
Our Mavis’ Bert was adamant that teachers should be taught sex in schools because the students already know more than they do.
Gert wanted to know if there would be any homework and would it involve any practical assignments.
Cyril saw great opportunities to establish joint projects between boys and girls schools using a sophisticated ‘you can look at mine if I can look at yours’ teaching method.
Mildred was very much in favour of teaching drugs and rock and roll as well as sex. Further she pointed out that if girls were taught lap and pole dancing as well it would help them build on their sex education by opening up career opportunities.
Mervyn saw a problem in catholic schools where priests have traditionally taught the wrong sort of sex. He stressed that priests have got a strong track record on teaching the theory of marriage before sex but of course the practice is a virtual impossibility for them.
I summed it all up by saying that schools should have a place for teaching sex but it was still likely to be behind the toilet block or on the back seat of the headmaster’s car.
You will let me know if there’s anything special you would like Think Tank to tackle wont you?
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Kevin Rudd, Sarah Palin, Sex Education, Tony Abbott, virginity
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This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to a wall in the Washington DC office of the US Secretary of State and sent us this exclusive report on the vital strategic discussion she had with her husband.
‘You’d have made a much better president than Obama’ said Bill
‘I know’ said Hillary ‘the only thing that stopped me was the laughable prospect of you becoming the First Gentleman’
‘Behind the great female president’ said Bill ‘would have been a former great male president with his hand up her back’
‘Most women seem to have experienced your hand up somewhere’ responded Hillary
‘Ten years ago’ said Bill ‘Obama would have been lucky to get a job serving us coffee’
‘Ten years ago’ said Hillary ‘you were damned lucky everyone didn’t leave you to get your own coffee’
‘Oh come on honey’ said Bill ‘I spent months out there on the campaign trail pushing myself to the point of exhaustion to get you the top gig’
‘Didn’t all those women find it confusing that you got them in sack just to campaign for your wife?’
‘When it comes to elections’ said Bill ‘the end justifies the means’
‘Not when it’s your end it doesn’t’ said Hillary ‘I probably lost the election because you couldn’t keep it up’
‘When Al Gore and Ted Kennedy deserted you who was it who stuck by you even putting my own reputation on the line?’
‘Some reputation’ said Hillary ‘it’s a sort of role model for Tiger Woods. Who pulled you through when you were impeached? Not Madeleine Albright or Al Gore but good old me. Even Monica deserted you and despite all that time you spent working on her I’ll bet she didn’t vote for me’
‘Honey’ said Bill ‘you’ve got to understand I have a certain charisma that appeals to women and it enabled me to play an effective presidential part in your campaign’
‘Oh I’ve no doubt your presidential part played effectively in all sorts of places’ said Hillary
‘Now let’s get serious about 2012’ said Bill ‘we’ve got to start planning your next presidential campaign immediately’
‘Forget it’ said Hillary ‘you’ve spent too long in the doghouse ever to get back in the White House. My best chance of becoming president is a divorce’
‘You’ve got to admit’ said Bill ‘that I was a better president than George W Bush. And sexier too. Give me a year or two to work my charms and every woman in the US will be ready to vote for you’
‘Why do I get this overwhelming feeling that I’m the one who would get screwed?’ said Hillary ‘Look I can’t sit around chatting to you, I’ve got to phone Kevin Rudd about World Kangaroo Day. Are you in for dinner tonight?’
‘Sure honey’ said Bill ‘how about a romantic evening for two?’
‘Darling’ said Hillary ‘I thought you’d never ask’
Tags: Al Gore, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, First Gentleman, Fly on the Wall, George Bush, George W Bsh, Hillary Clinton, Kevin Rudd, Madeleine Albright, Monica Lewinsky, President of USA, Ted Kennedy, Tiger Woods, US Secretary of State, Washington DC
Posted in Fly on the Wall | 1 Comment »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
5th February 2010
Dear Mr President,
I was having a cup of tea with Marge when all of a sudden they announced your March visit on the telly. We couldn’t believe it. Marge was so overcome she almost had an accident.
We haven’t got word on your schedule yet and heaven forbid we seem presumptive but you know you’ll get a wonderful welcome at the world’s first Obama Fan Club whether it’s for a keynote address or a cup of tea; but definitely not a Tea Party.
I’ll be in touch with your appointments secretary within the next week or two. It’s so exciting.
I know you’re a few trillions in the red at the moment so while you’re here don’t hesitate to tap Kevin for a stimulus package. I’m sure you qualify.
Tony Abbott’s just released his new carbon emissions reduction plan. I think its something he cooked up over the Christmas holidays. What a cheek to claim he’s got a package as good as the ETS which Kevin and Penny have been working on for years. I’m afraid we’re in for a long boring argument about who’s got the biggest and the one which emits less smoke.
By the way I’ve just checked and the RSL memorial hall will almost certainly be available during your visit. We could fit in a hundred and seventy-five at a pinch with a cup of tea and egg and lettuce sandwiches and Fred is confident he could arrange a tour of the local meatworks.
The Club’s World Affairs Think Tank has been worried about your Iran problem for some time. Bombing the place would not be a good look so soon after scoring the Nobel Peace Prize. So we devoted our session this week to creating alternative strategic tactics to dissuade Ahmadinejad from going ballistic and nuclear.
Fred made a very thoughtful first contribution to a Think Tank session. He was strongly in favour of stuffing up Iran completely by holding the next climate change conference there.
Mildred thought Ahmadinejad craved recognition. She suggested you invite him over to the White House and present him with a major international award like the World’s Worst Dressed President.
Our Mavis’ Bert had a brilliant idea. We should arrange an exchange agreement between the Iranian Government and the NSW Government. Ahmadinejad could advise the NSW Government on vote rigging techniques for the 2011 election and in return they could apply their North-West Metro project development model to his nuclear programme. That should put it back at least twenty years.
Our Mavis thought that Ahmadinejad would feel a natural political affinity with the NSW Shooters Party.
Marge had the idea of the night. She reckoned that as Ahmadinejad was so keen on sponsoring terrorists the Pittsburgh Steelers offered him better value for money than Hamas. They’re always on the telly and they strike terror into everyone.
I was at a loss to sum up such brilliance. Please feel free to take your pick of any of these and don’t forget to give Hillary a comprehensive briefing.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Ahmadinejad, Barack Obama, carbon emissions trading, Debt, ETS, Hamas, Hillary Clinton, Iran nuclear program, Kevin Rudd, Nobel Peace Prize, NSW Labor Government, NSW Shooters Party, Obama Fan Club, Penny Wong, Pittsburgh Steelers, President of USA, Tony Abbott, White House
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Story No. 17
‘Now look, about this Iraq business’ said Tony Blair
He had dropped into George’s ranch at Crawford, Texas for a confidential word about stuffing Saddam and George and I were accompanying him on a post lunch constitutional round a paddock.
It was a pleasant stroll although we were surrounded by enough security heavies to prevent Boris Yeltsin getting into a vodka festival. George wanted me around to advise him on the really complex strategic issues and I looked forward to the visit because I knew he kept a couple of bitches down there with the qualities to bring joy even to a dog’s life.
‘Colin Powell is convinced that Saddam has WMDs’ said George ‘and that only confirms what Dick and Don have been saying for sometime’
I’d been telling George for just as long that Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were far more dangerous WMDs than anything Saddam could possibly have.
‘What if we don’t find any WMDs?’ asked Tony
‘No chance’ said George ‘but don’t forget that Saddam told the UN to go and get whooped and he’s acting like a cross between Hitler, Frankenstein and Hillary Clinton’
‘We’ve got to tread carefully’ said Tony ‘Find the WMDs then change the regime by getting rid of Saddam, his army and his police force. We don’t want to be landed with that whole Sunni Shia can of worms’
I quickly ran behind a hedge and shouted ‘What about Al Qaeda?’ I was under strict instructions from George not to open my mouth but my self-control failed me.
‘What on earth was that?’ asked Tony
‘It was one of the security guys’ said George ‘By the way one of my senior advisers reckons we should leave the army and the police force intact. He believes if we disband them they’ll all join Al Qaeda and the country will descend into chaos’
I was flattered that George had remembered my advice so accurately.
‘Well he’s got that wrong’ said Tony ‘once we’ve sorted out Saddam and his crew the whole country will come to its senses. That adviser of yours sounds like a real dog’
I’d never liked Tony Blair but now he hit rock bottom on the shitlist. If I told George once I told him a hundred times never to go to war alongside a socialist.
‘You might just as well get some advice from Barney’ added Tony pissing himself with laughter
Fortunately my self-control reasserted itself and I was able to refrain from urinating down his trousers.
‘Tony do your people believe this war is legal?’ asked George
‘Half do, half don’t’ said Tony ‘you know what lawyers are like. They tell you what they think will make them the most money’
‘Ok’ said George ‘I’ll send Saddam a note giving him the option of resigning and spending the next ten years in Antarctica growing glaciers with Al Gore or facing high noon at the OK Corral’
‘Right on George’ said Tony ‘we’ll bring peace and democracy to the people of Iraq and an era of hope and prosperity to the whole world’
‘What a load of absolute crap’ I shouted from behind the hedge.
Tags: Al Gore, Al Qaeda, Boris Yeltsin, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Colin Powell, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, Frankenstein, George Bush, George W Bush, Hillary Clinton, Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Tony Blair, WMD
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Story No. 15
One day as I lay in my kennel enjoying a dog’s life my phone rang.
George arranged for it to be secretly installed. He made up some story about needing a place to take emergency calls when he was out on the White House lawn.
The real reason was that when he’s at heavy meetings which don’t admit dogs he sometimes needs a direct line to get my unique perspective on matters of highest national priority.
‘Hello George’ I said. I knew it was him because he was the only one who had my number since he’d refused to pass it on to that bitch at the Clintons.
‘Hi Barney’ said George ‘I hope this is a convenient time to call but I really need your advice on matters I’m discussing here with the Joint Chiefs of Staff’
George had my sympathy. Talking to those generals was like trying to hold a conversation with the Washington Monument.
‘They believe we should try a new strategy in Iraq’ continued George ‘stop fighting a conventional war and switch to terrorist operations. It’s interesting but I’m not sure about it. What do you think?’
‘It’s a really dumb idea George’ I said ‘as far as I know the US Army doesn’t have any terrorism experience. What are the chiefs planning to do, send them to an Al Qaeda training camp in Pakistan for a crash course? And why not offer Osama Bin Laden big bucks to act as a consultant?’
‘Wait a bit Barney’ said George ‘the idea may not be as dumb as it seems. They’ve already got a great strategy to develop suicide bombers’
‘I’m all in favour of that’ I said ‘provided that Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld are on the first plane to crash into the Al Qaeda HQ. By the way George I hope for both our sakes this is a secure line’
‘General Cassidy tells me he’s developed a whole new manual on terrorist techniques for the US Army’ said George
‘George you know as well as I do’ I said ‘that Clint Cassidy is barking mad and should be in this kennel instead of me. Al Qaeda wrote the book on terrorist tactics and their Little Leaguers could terrorise Clint’
‘OK Barney’ said George ‘what do you advise?’
‘It’s simple George’ I said ‘you need a surge. All you have to do is send over 40,000 more troops to Iraq and it would be all over red rover’
‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘if I did that Hillary, John Kerry and the whole Kennedy family would go ballistic’
‘Well not everyone in the Kennedy family’ I said ‘The Terminator would be sensational in Iraq’
‘OK’ said George resignedly ‘what do I tell these guys?’
‘First’ I said ‘tell Clint to get back in his kennel and stop trying to be West Point’s answer to Bin Laden. And tell them all that you feel a surge coming on and it’s got nothing to do with that sexy Angelina Jolie movie you saw last night’
Tags: Al Qaeda, Al Qa’ida, Angelina Jolie, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Clint Cassidy, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, General Cassidy, George Bush, George W Bush, Hillary Clinton, JFK, John F Kennedy, John Kerry, Osama Bin Laden, The Terminator
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
22nd January 2010
Dear Mr President,
We’re all so disappointed. Hillary canceled her visit to Australia. It’s such a shame. We even had the local mayor lined up for an official welcome.
We’re not sure whether she had to go and sort out another disaster in world affairs or in Bill’s affairs.
It was too late to invite Prince William to take her place. Lovely young fellow he is. I’d marry him myself if it wasn’t for Neville and the fact that I’m already Queen of the Beauthaven Beer Festival.
What on earth’s going on in your country? Fancy calling poor old Harry Reid a racist. He isn’t even in the Republican Party.
Even I was accused of racism last week. I refused to let this friend of Gladys’ join the club. Its true he’s a Sri Lankan but he’s also an absolute arsehole.
You’re not going to believe this but Penny Wong’s already rabbiting on about a third go at passing the ETS legislation. Its like having to sit through one of Fidel Castro’s speeches for a third time. Can’t you find her a position measuring climate change in Northern Alaska?
I know you’ll be thrilled to hear that this week our World Affairs Think Tank tackled one of the most momentous questions facing Australia, ‘Should we become a republic’. It would have been lovely to have Prince William there to speak on behalf of his mother.
Marge reckoned it all depends on what sort of republic. We don’t want to become a banana republic or a republic like Germany and Russia which don’t seem to have any fun and start all the wars. She recognised that the US was also a republic which started wars but at least you seem to have a bit of fun.
Gladys thought it was a shame that the US was no longer a monarchy because we could have played you at cricket and you wouldn’t be wasting so much time in the shower.
Cyril said it would be great if Australia became a republic because Malcolm Turnbull could become President and it would stop him making a nuisance of himself.
Mildred believed that Australia should stay a monarchy with an Aussie royal family. All our royal talent like Princess Mary are having to go abroad because of a lack of opportunities back home.
Our Mavis’ Bert agreed with Mildred and said that even the Welsh Rugby team had its own Queen.
Mavis thought that Malcolm Fraser is qualified to become King of Australia because he’s such a right royal pain in the ass.
Arthur thought we should become a republic to avoid getting a Queen whose only qualification for the job was a propensity for sending Charles potty with passion.
I summed it all up brilliantly by pointing out that as the Obama Fan Club was dedicated to a Democrat there’s no way we can support Australia becoming Republican.
I’m so excited that we’re producing such good stuff for you.
Till next week.
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, ETS, Fidel Castro, Harry Reid, Hillary Clinton, Malcolm Fraser, Malcolm Turnbull, Obama Fan Club, Penny Wong, President, President of USA, Prince Charles, Prince William, Princess Mary, Republican Party, The Queen
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
15th January 2010
Dear Mr President,
I can’t tell you how excited we all are. We’ve just heard that Hillary is coming to Australia next week and would you believe Prince William is coming at the same time. It’s a good job she’s not a republican.
We obviously couldn’t invite both of them to address the Obama Fan Club during the same week, so we held an emergency meeting of the management committee and chose Hillary because she’s such a wonderful woman and so close to you.
I hope you don’t mind but we’ve sent her a direct message inviting her to our meeting on the nineteenth. She gets booked up so early and I dare say your ambassador Jeff Bleach has already booked her in for a nosh or two with Kevin.
We also told her to bring Bill along too if he’s coming with her. You may recall I told you that Mildred met Bill when she was a pole dancer in Vegas. If we can find a pole I’m sure he’d recognise her.
The Japanese are furious with Julia over whales. She’s doing the PM’s job while Kevin is away writing children’s books.
When it comes to whales there’s a huge cultural difference between the Aussies and the Japs. They believe they should be harpooned and eaten while we see them as cuddly creatures who deserve a better fate than being served as sashimi.
Julia’s thrown one of her headmistress wobblers telling the Japs to stop sinking the protesters’ boats which are trying to sink their whaling ships and suggesting more controversial places to stick their harpoons.
Meanwhile the Japs have told her in no uncertain terms to keep her nose out of it and you can understand why. It’s very large and pointed and would be a very effective substitute for a harpoon.
This week the Club’s World Affairs Think-tank debated whether the Copenhagen Conference had been any use at all.
Hilda said it was inspiring that delegates could still get their knickers in a knot about global warming when they were suffering from frostbite.
Gladys who’s never said anything before made a very critical contribution. She reckoned the Conference would have been a huge success if the other forty thousand delegates had just turned up for the last day like you. It was the previous ten days that caused all the problems.
Neville thought the conference in Mexico might go better because the climate will allow the delegates to demonstrate solar power and not just their wind power.
Mildred made a very astute observation. She reckoned there were too many people there. China and the US got distracted. All you need is a conference where those two agree to a reasonable reduction in emissions and the rest of us can carry on as usual.
I summed up the meeting by blaming Tony Abbott for the mess in Copenhagen. It was his fault the rest of the world didn’t get the chance to adopt Kevin and Penny’s ETS. Though perhaps they were not so inclined to be Penny foolish as pound wise.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, China, Climate Change, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, global warming, Hillary Clinton, Japanese whaling, Jeff Bleach, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Obama, Obama Fan Club, Penny Wong, Prince William, Solar Power, Tony Abbott, Wind power
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