Posts Tagged ‘Indonesia’
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly managed to land on a wall at the location of a recent meeting between prominent people smugglers in Indonesia. He has just sent in this exclusive report.
‘It’s an absolute outrage’ said Kris ‘Tony Abbott’s new policy could put us out of business’
‘I know’ said Gus ‘what’s more it’s inhumane. He’s proposing to send our boats back here when most of them are scarcely seaworthy enough to make it to Christmas Island let alone make a return trip’
‘The Australian Government is a joke’ said Andi ‘We can’t afford to send the asylum seekers in decent boats because they conviscate them all. If they allowed us to do return trips we could afford to use boats with passenger lounges and put on a catering service’
‘It’s difficult to understand their mindset’ said Gus ‘they have this population expansion policy so they need immigrants but we get dumped on for making it happen’
‘Well’ said Kris ‘I hope they understand they’re in danger of losing their status as the world’s number one asylum seeker destination. It’s almost as difficult working with Rudd as it would be with Abbott’
‘We’ll have to think about sailing to a different asylum’ said Andi
‘How about New Zealand?’
‘Good heavens’ said Andi ‘I know we can be pretty ruthless bastards but we’re not that bad’
‘If only the Australian Government would get out of the way said Kris ‘we’ve got enough punters in the supply line to repopulate Darwin’
‘It’s ironic’ said Gus ‘that the Aussies are going on about the wonderful cultural diversity asylum seekers bring to the joint yet they’re sending the Federal Police over here to hunt us down like we’re criminals’
‘I can’t believe it’ said Andi ‘you would think we’d be in line for a United Nations humanitarian award for all the great work we do helping persecuted people find a sanctuary. I must say there are days when I feel quite humanitarian’
‘And the Aussies criticise us for charging the asylum seekers too much’ said Gus ‘ Do they think we are running a bloody benevolent society?’
‘Is there any chance Abbott will get elected?’ asked Kris
‘There’s a chance’ said Andi ‘so we’ve got to get some contingency plans together because we might go back to the inhumane days of that ghastly John Howard. How about if we start a selection process and only accept genuine refugees?’
‘’That wouldn’t impress Abbott’ said Kris ‘he doesn’t believe there is such a thing as genuine refugees. I’m thinking of using a submarine which only surfaces when it gets to Christmas Island’
‘The problem is’ said Gus ‘that the bastard Aussies would conviscate it just like any planes we sent over. All we would be doing is restocking their navy and air force for nothing’
‘Let’s buy the Tampa’ said Kris
‘Don’t be stupid’ said Gus ‘that would be a sure way to get Abbott elected’
‘I’ve got it’ said Andi ‘let’s offer to pay the Aussie Government a super profits tax’
‘Don’t be ridiculous’ said Gus ‘not even the mining companies can afford to pay that’
Tags: asylum seekers, Christmas Island, Guy the Fly, Indonesia, John Howard, Kevin Rudd, New Zealand, people smugglers, refugee, repopulate Darwin, super profits tax, Tampa, Tony Abbott, United Nations
Posted in Fly on the Wall | 1 Comment »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
24th April 2010
Dear Mr. President,
The Obama Fan Club wanted me to tell you how thrilled we all are about your successes in healthcare and nuclear disarmament. We passed a resolution at Tuesday’s meeting congratulating you on meeting our expectations. We’ll send you a copy of the minutes for framing.
A motion by some misguided loon that we should change our name to the Rudd Fan Club was defeated 23-1. We love Kevin but he’s not in your class.
It was the unanimous view of Club members that the World Affairs Think Tank should address the asylum seeker crisis in Australia because its such a worry. I knew you’d be interested and I’ll send our conclusions to Kevin who doesn’t seem to be any better after spending so much time in hospitals.
As the Think Tank chairperson I warned members against using racist remarks or making racist accusations during the session. That was my job.
Madge got us going with a particularly incisive address. She said it was an absolute disgrace that people smugglers were making so much money out of asylum seekers. If we just sit back and let it happen one day they’ll have enough money to buy a cruise ship big enough to ferry thousands at a time from Indonesia to Christmas Island. Or perhaps they’ll just lease the Oceanic Viking.
Our Mavis’ Bert reckoned Australia should tax the people smugglers to pay for Christmas Island.
Mavis asserted that Kevin was right to hold Sri Lankan and Afghan asylum seekers in detention pending a decision to send them home where all is peace and serenity. Her brother reckons there’s no Tea Parties in Sri Lanka and her nephew is in Afghanistan fighting the Taliban and hasn’t been shot or anything.
Eunice believed that asylum seekers suffer from the delusion that Australia is a sort of paradise or a Kevin07 heaven.
Mildred said she couldn’t cope with the current level of multiculturalism let alone making it more complicated. She’s still trying to understand Aboriginal reconciliation and always gets wind from Chinese food.
Marj thought the asylum seeker detention centres are ghastly places just like the motel her uncle runs in Albury.
Elsie said we should stop all immigration immediately. They bring in more carbon footprints, need extra hospital beds which Kevin can’t afford and goodness knows how many extra COLAs their kids will need at a million bucks a throw.
Neville said he was disappointed that Kevin’s new policy had failed to attract boatloads of hot sheilas to seek asylum here.
I summed up by saying that first we need to tackle the people smugglers issue. We should only accept asylum seekers brought in by Aussie people smugglers because we could trust them.
Then we should concentrate on giving priority to asylum seekers who are good looking, potential Eels supporters and Labor voters. They’d have no problems integrating round here.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Aborigines, Afghan, Afghanistan, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, COLA, detention centres, hospital plan, hospitals, hot sheilas, Indonesia, Kevin 07, Kevin Rudd, Obama Fan Club, Oceanic Viking, people smugglers, President of USA, Taliban, US President, World Affairs Think Tank
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 1 Comment »
Latest Friday Mash polling has produced some compelling insights into the standing of Aussie political leaders amongst the electorate.
.5% preferred Kevin as prime minister, .4% preferred Tony and 99.1% preferred ‘other’. In fact Kevin went down sixty points because of a marked trend amongst the electorate towards preferring the other. Tony went up .1% owing to a statistical error.
People smugglers came out strongly for Kevin because he’s much better for business. Asylum seekers favoured Tony because they perceived that when it came to getting the support of the Aussie community he was in much the same boat.
They also thought Tony would be a better lifesaver if their boat sank but were interested in a game of deck quoits with Kevin on the voyage across from Indonesia.
95% of respondents expressed the strong view that Kevin should spend more time abroad. This result may heave been unduly skewed by multiple responses in the affirmative from his staff and his parliamentary colleagues especially Julia.
In response to the question ‘who would you prefer to instruct your daughter about sex?’ there was an overwhelming vote in favour of Kevin because he’s all talk and no action.
Tony was seen as a sex symbol amongst nuns and triathlon groupies. Kevin’s image varied between neutral and neutered although he turns on Tin Tin fans.
Kevin scored very heavily in response to the question ‘who would you trust to keep the home fires burning?’ but Tony was equally favoured in response to ‘who would you trust to keep a roof over your head?’
Kevin was strongly supported by building contractors specialising in schools and hospitals. Parents were ambivalent. Whilst they were pleased that Covered Outside Learning Areas prevented their kids from burning they realised that as taxpayers they were getting burned instead.
Women are appreciative of Tony’s post-natal policy for salary support but are pissed off by his view that they shouldn’t have a pre-natal choice of whether to qualify for it or not.
Kevin was strongly preferred as saviour of the world from global warming and the global financial crisis but Tony, as living proof that a celibate Abbott is an oxymoron, was thought to be a better bet for saving it from catholic priests.
Kevin was more popular amongst people like Poms who do everything with their clothes on while nudists are confident that Tony will be Australia’s first topless prime minister.
Kevin is rated favourite to become Australian’s first president while Tony’ intimate experiences with budgies is seen to put him ahead of Charles in the King of Australia pecking order.
Competition between Kevin and Tony is expected to intensify now there’s no Malcolm in the middle.
Tags: Add new tag, asylum seekers, Indonesia, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, nudists, people smugglers, Prince Charles, Tin Tin, Tony Abbott
Posted in Politics, Weekly Mash | No Comments »
An Unfair Slug
Tony’s path to success in the debate against Kevin was littered with worm droppings.
No Excuses
Kristina’s mother told her it was only polite to say ‘excuse me’ before interrupting someone. She should have told her that interrupting a politician is a public service.
Doing the Ironing
Last Sunday Tony swam 3.8 kms, cycled 180 kms and ran 42.2 kms. Kevin was in church praying for a shark, a puncture or for someone to forget the powerade.
Cardboard Cutout
Kevin is now training for a Paperman Event which comprises wading through files, recycling and doing a print run.
Stuff Happens
Countries which give stuff are the US, UK and Australia. Iran, Venezuela and North Korea are countries which don’t give a stuff.
Coming for a Song
Congratulations to Kevin for surpassing John Howard’s record of fourteen asylum seeker boats in a month. Experts believe he could double that number by processing asylum seekers at Opera House matinees. In fact it could be a very long-running production with heavy advance bookings particularly from Indonesia.
Not Wong
Penny Wong told us that if parliament didn’t pass the ETS legislation before Christmas we could expect all manner of disasters. She was right but she didn’t tell us they would be as disastrous as the home insulation scheme and building the education revolution.
Brass band
John Howard was the Man of Steel, Tony Abbott is the Ironman but Kevin is yet to show his mettle.
Tags: asylum seekers, education revolution, ETS, home insulation scheme, Indonesia, Iran, Ironman, John Howard, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, Man of Steel, North Korea, Penny Wong, recycling, Tony Abbott, UK, US, Venezuela
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Street Wear
When he’s out promoting school hall building programmes Kevin wears a hard hat and he wears surgeon’s gear when he’s talking up his hospitals plan. What on earth will he wear to announce his policy for brothels?
Swearing Out Ceremony
There is a move in California to legislate against foul language. This is indicative that the State Treasury is only slightly more bankrupt than Californian English.
Blocker
The Labor Government wheeled out Stephen Conroy, Jennie Macklin, Penny Wong, Lindsay Tanner and Nicola Roxon for a media conference to moan about Tony Abbott blocking things. These are the architects of the disastrous Telstra plan, the laughable Aboriginal Housing Scheme, the ETS, the debt and deficit and the half-baked hospitals plan. Keep up the good work Tony.
Welcome to the Asylum
News that Yudhoyono is going to arrest people smugglers opens up the prospect of a real earner for the federal government. They could offer asylum seekers a cruise from Indonesia to Christmas Island on the Oceanic Viking for only five thousand dollars. This is less than the people smugglers charge, would earn unstinted praise from Amnesty International and could encourage Hyatt Hotels to build a decent pad on Christmas Island.
Travelling by Tube
It was disappointing to hear that Lara’s engagement ring had gone down the toilet especially, as now seems likely, she was wearing it at the time.
Unsuitable Treatment
It turned really frosty in Sydney when Kevin dropped in to talk to Kristina about hospitals. This was obviously another disastrous effect of climate change.
Non-Stop Motoring
Experts advise that you should only engage cruise control on Toyota vehicles if you’re low on petrol and on a long trip down a straight motorway.
Obama Drama
It looks like Obama wont be coming to Australia until his healthcare bill has been passed. He’s blaming Tony Abbott for blocking it in the Senate.
Tags: Aboriginal Housing Scheme, Amnesty International, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, Climate Change, ETS, Health, healthcare, healthcare bill, hospitals, Hyatt Hotels, Indonesia, Jennie Macklin, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, KRudd, Labor Government, Labour Party, Lara Bingle, Lindsay Tanner, Nicola Roxon, Oceanic Viking, Penny Wong, people smugglers, Peter Costello, Stephen Conroy, Telstra, Tony Abbott, Toyota, Yudhoyono
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
19th March 2010
Dear Mr President,
It’s been a terrible week here.
First we get news that your family aren’t coming with you to Australia, then we’re told you’re coming here later than planned, then you’re only coming for twenty-four hours missing out Sydney and may not come at all if the healthcare bill doesn’t get passed.
Kevin can’t get anything passed either. If you ask me you both need a good dose of prunes.
Mildred and I are even considering going to Canberra just to catch a glimpse of you. Give me a wave if you see me in the crowd. I’ll be wearing my pink and beige floral number so I should be pretty easy to spot.
I’ve cancelled the provisional booking for your address at the local RSL conference centre and told the mayor he can hang up his chain for the day. It’s such a shame.
I’m terribly worried about Kevin. His poll numbers are in the toilet and everybody’s saying how rude and bad tempered he is. He was even hostile to our premier Kristina who’s such a lovely woman. Neville’s really got the hots for her. It’s a bit confusing when your husband is threatening to elope with the NSW Premier.
I’m relying on you to give Kevin a bit of a surge while you’re here. He seems to be spending all his time in hospitals and churches. I’m worried he’ll get confused and hand round a bedpan for the church collection. They never provide restrooms in churches so he might collect more than he bargained for.
By the way please don’t mention the ETS when you’re with Kevin. He seems to have gone right off it. Maybe he’ll recover in time for the next climate change conference in Mexico. It looks like the drug cartels will be running the country by then so we’ll be able to see whether things really do go better with coke. Oh I am awful sometimes.
Instead of our usual World Affairs Think Tank session this week the Club put together a list of must-do things for you in Australia. I hope it will come in handy.
You’ve got to buy the children’s book written by Kevin. I think it’s called ‘Snow White and the 07 Kevins’.
Please tell everyone that Kevin is the loveliest, most delightful, good-tempered, polite, intelligent and generous man you’ve ever met. Yes I know it’s not true but you’re the only person who could say it without causing raucous laughter.
If you get served Coon cheese in the parliament canteen please don’t take it personally.
I’m sure you wont feel out of place when you find you’re the only black person in the Australian Parliament. There are two Browns however and both of them are green.
If you haven’t had time to write your speech to the joint sitting of Parliament why don’t you pick up a copy of the one Yudwhoyouknow gave them a couple of weeks ago when you’re in Indonesia. I’m sure no-one would notice if you did an encore and it contains all the right stuff about terrorists, co-operation, how wonderful Australia and Kevin are with no mention of the ETS.
Whatever you do don’t pass on any advice to your daughters from Tony Abbott. But Sarah Palin might appreciate it.
Unfortunately you wont have time this trip to come with me to watch the Eels. They lost to the Saints in the opener but I’ll book you a seat for the grand final because they’re bound to be there.
Till next week.
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Coon cheese, drug cartels, Eels, ETS, Gordon Brown, Indonesia, Kevin 07, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, KRudd, Mexico, Michele Obama, NSW Premier, Obama Healthcare, Obamacare, Saints, Sarah Palin, Terrorism, terrorist attacks, Tony Abbott, Yudhoyono
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Public servants working for Kevin say the most enjoyable part of their job is booking a limousine to take him to the airport.
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Who has the most regret; McCain for choosing Sarah Palin, the Republican Party for choosing McCain, the US for choosing Obama or Obama for choosing Biden?
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Climate change speak. Temperatures above 30 degrees are due to global warming, temperatures below 20 degrees are due to phenomena which climate change scientists do not yet understand.
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The next time the Oceanic Viking rescues asylum seekers in Indonesian waters where will it take them? Christmas Island? No way. Indonesia? Out of the question. Come back Nauru all is forgiven.
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Which of the support staff recently appointed to restore Nathan Rees’ sagging fortunes is most responsible for his bold new moves? The one with the arm up his back.
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Yudhoyono’s visit to Australia has been postponed till February but it will still depend on whether they can get the Oceanic Viking ready in time.
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Al Gore has risen to become the world’s number one TV weatherman specialising in global climate forecasts.
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If the Australian Government provides as many houses for asylum seekers as for aborigines some of them could be living on the OceanicViking permanently.
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Tags: Aborigines, Al Gore, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, Climate Change, Federal Government, Indonesia, Joe Biden, Kevin Rudd, McCain, Nathan Rees, Obama, Oceanic Viking, public servants, Republicans, Sarah Palin, US, Yudhoyono
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
In a humane initiative inspired by Kevin, Friday Mash has produced this definitive guide for seekers of asylum in Australia. They are probably just as confused about Australia’s immigration policies as the rest of us.
The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugee’s programme is the entry method for asylum seekers preferred by the Australian Government. It has the marked advantage of no involvement with the Oceanic Viking, Christmas Island or the dreaded people smugglers.
The High Commissioner is a busy fellow and it can take him years to pronounce you a genuine refugee and find a slot for you in a decent neighbourhood. It is hardly surprising that this delay promotes queue-jumping especially by people menaced by homicidal maniacs or up to their necks in melted icebergs.
Furthermore he has trouble meeting refugee demands for a premier destination like Australia. Quota restrictions mean refugees often have to settle for second best like the US and the UK. Relocation in NZ can be surprisingly seamless after months of being herded round like sheep.
Asylum seekers with a passport and a quid or two can opt for the Qantas Solution. This is the Australian Government’s second preference for asylum seekers because they have a large shareholding in Qantas but don’t get a cracker out of people smuggling.
The Qantas Solution offers unique benefits. On arrival in Australia asylum seekers can spend time casing the joint before deciding they want to go Aussie. When they alert the authorities of their intention there’s no question of a detention centre except in the case of terrorists or climate change sceptics. They are immediately upgraded from asylum seeker to permanent residency seeker status. Before leaving home however it is prudent to join the Qantas Frequent Flyer Programme just in case you are red-carded.
Asylum seekers arriving in Australia by boat go straight to a detention centre. It should be noted that travelling to Christmas Island in your own boat avoids the unpleasantness of travelling with people smugglers. A call ahead to book accommodation on Christmas Island and arrange a rendezvous with the Oceanic Viking is always much appreciated.
The asylum seekers’ entry method which causes by far the most angst to the Australian Government is people smugglers. Asylum seekers are strongly advised to regard this as the option of last resort because it involves dealing with three of the most difficult organisations in the world, people smugglers, the Indonesian Government and the Australian Government.
People smuggler boats are built to Kamikaze standards. They never come back because they either sink, explode or are impounded at sea by the Australian authorities. They have about as much chance of reaching Australia as the World Cannibal Convention and the crews have about as much idea of Australia’s geographical position as Dick Cheney.
Kevin is susceptible to giving asylum seekers special treatment but only if you manage to get picked up in Indonesian waters by an Australian boat. All you have to do is simply refuse to get off the boat when it reaches Indonesia. Kevin is far too humane to force you off. Ultimately he will be so embarrassed he’ll lose patience and bribe you to get off. Don’t take his first offer but hang out for something really worthwhile like a tickertape parade in Sydney and Melbourne, a season ticket to the MCG and Australian of the Year.
Asylum seeking has its tiresome moments. But seekers will only have to wait a year or two before Kevin says ‘sorry’.
Tags: asylum seekers, Christmas Island, detention centre, Dick Cheney, immigration, Indonesia, Kevin Rudd, Oceanic Viking, people smuggling, Qantas Solution, refugee
Posted in International Affairs, Weekly Mash | 2 Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
6th November 2009
Dear Mr President,
One year ago this week since you were elected President. Congratulations.
Who would have thought that after such a short time you would be the toast of the world and have a fan club in Sydney Australia.
I’m even more excited about your prospects for next year when you actually start doing a few things.
I’ve just had such a shock. According to the latest Newspoll the Labor Party has dropped seven percentage points and they are now running neck and neck with the Coalition.
Kevin’s such a wonderful inspiration just like you and I can’t bear the thought of him being less popular than Malcolm.
Mind you I have to say that his recent rantings about asylum seekers have been like a madwoman’s midlife crisis. And as for the ETS he reckons we’ve got a choice between drowning and being burnt to death or losing our jobs and paying zillions more for electricity and everything. Drowning is beginning to look like the best option.
I was so worried I immediately called a meeting of the policy specialists in the Obama Fan Club. I hope you don’t mind the Club spending the time to help Kevin get his polling back up but if we don‘t act you could be dealing with Malcolm and he’s like a cross between Admedinnerdad and Sorenosey.
First of all we decided that he should immediately drop the Indonesian Solution for asylum seekers. His government has issued travel advisories for years warning people not to go to Indonesia yet he has sent the asylum seekers back there. It would be more humane to send them to North Korea or Somalia.
Next we came up with a masterstroke. Actually it was my idea.
Kevin should adopt the People Smugglers Solution. I’m amazed it hasn’t already occurred to him. We believe he should immediately fly out to Indonesia and negotiate with the people smugglers. After all they’re the ones who have been causing all the problems.
He should offer not to seize their vessels and arrest their crews on condition that they start using safe boats which don’t sink and employ crews with some idea where Christmas Island is. Further they should publish a return-trip schedule to Christmas Island, so the detention centre knows what to expect and when and how many extra port-a-loos they’re going to need.
If the people smugglers prove they can manage the timetables efficiently Kevin might offer them the contract to run state rail in NSW. Only kidding.
Stop press. The Fijians have thrown the Australian High Commissioner out of their country. They have appointed some Sri Lankans as judges in Suva and are nicked off that Australia has banned them from com ing here. Quite right too. They could be asylum seekers in disguise.
I sent our asylum seeker recommendations to Kevin on Wednesday. I haven’t heard back yet but he’ll probably phone over the weekend.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, Coalition, ETS, Indonesia, Kevin Rudd, Labor Party, Malcolm Turnbull, midlife crisis, Newspoll, North Korea, NSW State Rail, Obama, Obama Fan Club, people smugglers, President of USA, Somalia
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
There’s more than one touch of déjà vu in the latest asylum seeker crisis. The captain of the Tampa came from Norway so he was another Oceanic Viking who made a memorable contribution to Australian immigration.
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The US still has the largest economy in the world, but as in the case of Gitmo and healthcare it takes the Obama administration time to effect the changes you can believe in.
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Following the news that polar bears are not an endangered species Al Gore’s truth begins to seem more lenient than inconvenient.
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The US played a significant role in influencing Russia to withdraw from Afghanistan so it is uncommonly considerate of them to be trying to repay the favour.
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The French President appointed his son to run a large government body. The Italian President appointed glamorous women of his acquaintance to cabinet posts. It’s about time Kevin appointed his wife to run the country.
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Sri Lankan asylum seekers have begun to pioneer a direct sailing route to Christmas Island. Kevin’s obviously forgotten to tell them about the Indonesian Solution.
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Australia has an ETS under development while China is building over five hundred coal-fired power stations. It’s encouraging that other countries besides Australia are making a difference on climate change.
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The latest Newspoll data from NSW was a huge shock. It wasn’t so much that Nathan Rees poll numbers had fallen so far but rather that 31% still preferred him as premier. Surely he can’t have that many relations.
Tags: Afghanistan, Al Gore, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, China, Christmas Island, Climate Change, ETS, French, immigration, Indonesia, Indonesian Solution, Italian President, Kevin Rudd, Nathan Rees, Newspoll, NSW Government, President of USA, Russia
Posted in Carbon Emissions | 1 Comment »
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