Source: Sun Hearld

The cricket world reacted with mixed feelings to the news that John Howard will become president of the International Cricket Council.

Friday Mash believes his experience and skills are just what is needed to resolve the searching problems currently faced by the cricketing world.

For example he will obviously rule that the Sri Lankan team must travel to Australia via Christmas Island and anyone bowling off-spin with a bent arm will be refused asylum to tour.

It is very encouraging to note that Afghanistan has a cricket team. This will present John with two major challenges, persuading another country to play them at home and responding to their request to allow Shaun Tait to make guest appearances. They’ve heard he bowls Improvised Explosive Devices.

John faces huge problems arising from terrorist threats against teams playing away in certain countries. Experts on the rules of cricket are uncertain whether a result, in matches where the Taliban stops play, can be achieved through using the Duckworth-Lewis method.

Cricket fans fear things could get so bad that international cricket will only be played at Lords and the Sydney Cricket Ground. Both these are absolutely secure because no terrorist would ever be accepted as a member of the MCC or the SCG.

A player in the Australian team has apparently met with a bingle and thanks to Brendon Fevola we now have the bare facts of the matter. John should be concerned that such is the reputation of the Australian team for sledging they will soon start training for the next Winter Olympics.

Robert Mugabe seems intent on devaluing Zimbabwean cricket as much as he’s devalued the currency. John should be aware of his propensity for spending ICC grants on building pavilions in Europe. Robert retains an avid interest in sport and in particular is a strong All Black supporter.

John will be particularly concerned that England seem to suffer constant droughts in their cricket talent pool yet this does not stop them frequently going to water.

South Africa poses a gate-money problem. When President Zuma brings all his wives, children and girlfriends to matches on complimentaries there isn’t any room for paying customers.

The Bangladesh team is still not challenging anyone. John should present them with the Peter Costello award.

A Pakistani player was recently suspended for biting a cricket ball during a match. John will probably face calls for flavoured cricket balls because it turned out to be a spinner checking whether the ball was suitable for a tea-break.

The West Indies team have recently been on strike. John will immediately perceive an opportunity to bring back Work Choices.

The Australian team is very disappointed that India has overtaken them as the worst-behaved team in international cricket. Suspension and fines appear to have no effect. John plans to introduce a new sanction against recalcitrant players. They will be sentenced to face Shaun Tait on a seaming wicket without a box. That should bring more tears to their eyes than a vindaloo.