Posts Tagged ‘Iraq’
Story No. 34
‘Let’s face it George’ I said ‘Iraq and Afghanistan are both train wrecks’
‘You think so Barney?’ said George ‘I thought they were going particularly well’
‘Come on George’ I said ‘the terrorists are behaving like they’ve just won both the Superbowl and the World Series and we’re getting blow up more often than a punctured tyre’
‘But Dick and Dan are telling me that things are looking great’ said George
‘Dick and Dan wouldn’t have enough nous to use asbestos coated toilet paper if their asses were on fire’ I said ‘they’re hopeless. You’ve got to make changes at the top’
‘Well Barney’ said George ‘even if you’re right what can I do? Dick’s the elected vice-president and he’s great buddies with Don Rumsfeld who is a terrific guy’
‘Look’ I said ‘there’s no easy way of saying this but Don’s got to go. It’s difficult to know what he stands for or which side he’s on. He’s got more sides than the Pentagon’
‘Very funny’ said George ‘but now you come to mention it I think Condi Rice is a bit worried about him’
‘It’s not rocket science’ I said ‘Don insists that limited troop numbers in Iraq are the go but even a poodle could tell you that we need a surge there and I don’t mean a concert tour by Madonna’
‘Look Barney’ said George ‘all the stuff I’m getting from the Pentagon supports Don’s policy’
‘Well of course it does’ I said ‘they report to him. But I’ve got a friend who’s a Pentagon guard dog and he tells me there are rumblings’
‘I’m not surprised’ said George ‘I thought the food there was pretty average’
‘The generals are pissed’ I said ‘that Don’s ignoring their advice on the military situation. We simply don’t have enough troops in Iraq to kick Al Qaeda in the cobblers’
‘As I understand it’ said George ‘Don believes that because the terrorists operate in small groups they need to be opposed by small specialist units’
‘Look at it this way’ I said ‘the way to stop the brilliant individual talents in the Patriots’ offence is by blitzing them, by the whole defence surging and taking them out’
‘Very interesting Barney’ said George ‘I hadn’t looked at it that way before. But would that tactic work against terrorists’
‘It works against the Patriots’ I said ‘and their offensive line is one of the world’s most dangerous terrorist organisations’
‘But if I reassign Don’ said George ‘who could I put in his place?’
‘That’s easy’ I said ‘Robert Gates. He’s so good that even the Democrats would appoint him’
‘I’m still not sure’ said George ‘that there’s enough evidence to justify reassigning Don. He’s been an incredibly strong supporter of mine over many years as well as a great friend and I’m very loyal to people like that’
‘Here’s the bottom line George’ I said ‘if you don’t take decisive action like rissoling Don, Iraq and Afghanistan will be on the public nose and your poll numbers will take a dive’
‘Good Lord’ said George ‘how soon can Robert Gates start?’
Tags: Afghanistan, Al Qaeda, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Condi Rice, Condoleezza Rice, Democrats, Dick Cheney satire, Don Rumsfeld humor, George Bush satire, George W Bush humor, Iraq, Madonna, pentagon, Robert Gates, Superbowl
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Story No. 33
‘Mr President’ said Condi Rice ‘I would really like to meet Barney’
‘Oh really’ said George trying to stay nonchalant, ‘what makes you say that?’
‘When I was in the Oval Office last week’ said Condi ‘I happened to see a typed summary of the conversation you had with him. He came up with some fascinating ideas and I’d really welcome the chance to discuss them with him’
‘I’m afraid that would be difficult’ said George ‘Barney is the codename for an agent under deep cover in the Middle East’
I was a big fan of Condi’s and I could think of no-one with whom I’d prefer to discuss international affairs. In fact I’m almost sure it was me who recommended her for the Secretary of State gig in the first place. But George had stuffed up by leaving that summary lying around and now he was between a shock and a hard face.
‘Is there no way you can put us in contact?’ pleaded Condi ‘A conversation between us might prevent the Middle East going west’
‘I’ll see what if can do’ said George pensively
‘This is a right mess you’ve got us into’ I said to George later ‘what have you got in mind, sending her to the doghouse so we can have a yap?’
‘Calm down Barney’ said George ‘I know how to fix it. Condi and I have got a Middle East strategy meeting next Wednesday. I’ll pretend to call you in Afghanistan from there although actually I’ll be calling your kennel. Don’t worry, we’ve got away with this strategy before’
‘Should I arrange recordings of bombs and gunfire in the background?’ I asked
‘What a good idea’ said George ‘and remember you’ll be on the loudspeaker’
I always approached these cunning plans of George’s with a certain trepidation. Anyone who had stuffed Iraq as badly as George was likely to get confused and send Condi round for a chat in my kennel.
Next Wednesday the phone rang right on time and I started the bombs and gunfire CD in the background.
‘Hello’ I said ‘Agent Barney speaking’
‘Hello Agent Barney’ said George ‘this is the President speaking and I have with me Secretary of State Condi Rice who would like to discuss some points from that paper we put together’
‘Hello Agent Barney’ said Condi ‘it’s great to talk with you. Are you in a safe place?’
‘The Taliban are attacking’ I said midst a crescendo of gunfire ‘but we should be able to hold on here for a few minutes’
‘Agent Barney’ said Condi ‘I was most interested to read your brilliant plan for the US to take over all the poppy plantations in Afghanistan, set up a heroin plant and dump all the production in Iran’
‘It’s definitely a win-win’ I said ‘We pay the Afghan poppy farmers so they’re onside, their economy booms and Iran gets totally zonked out on free heroin’
‘Very exciting Agent Barney’ said Condi ‘With the permission of the President I plan to fly out immediately to Afghanistan and help you get things started’
‘Just a moment’ said George sensing that disaster was about to strike ‘That wont be possible because Agent Barney is transferring to Venezuela tomorrow to help overthrow Hugo Chavez’
‘That’s great’ said Condi ‘I’m going to Venezuela next week. I’ll meet Agent Barney there’
‘Sorry’ said George ‘he’s only there a couple of days then he has to return and go under deep cover in his kennel…sorry I mean at his base’
‘He seems to be an outstanding operator’ said Condi
‘I can assure you’ said George ‘that he’s a real terrier’
Tags: Afghanistan, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Condi Rice, Condoleezza Rice, George Bush, George W Bush, heroin plant, Hugo Chavez, Iran, Iraq, Middle East, Oval Office, poppy plantations, Secretary of State, the Taliban, Venezuela
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UK Report by Tori Banger
Throwing a Clegg Over
In a sensational interview Nick Clegg, the Liberal Democrats leader revealed he had slept with no more than thirty women and both he and I have no comment in response to questions about whether I was one of them.
Nick speaks five languages which would have come in very useful if he meant he’d slept with no more than thirty women at a time.
TV executives have been developing the breakthrough concept of a live on-air debate between three women, each of whom has had an affair with one of the three party leaders. Unfortunately it seems that they’re not going to make it happen because no woman will admit publicly to having an affair with Gordon Brown.
Nick’s campaign is obviously working brilliantly. However only people who are political pinheads or smoke something serious could actually believe that the Liberal Democrats wouldn’t make an even bigger balls-up of governing the country than Labor.
Nick however is charming people into nodding about things like getting out of Iraq, going down the euro gurgler with Greece, teaching everyone to speak five languages so they can converse with all the immigrants he’s going to let in and free sex addiction clinics.
Gordon Brown can’t believe that the punters would even consider voting for wankers like David and Nick rather than him. He’s still rabbiting on about resurrecting the economy even though Easter was his last chance. His aides are considering whether there is any mileage in him confessing to having been knocked back by no more than thirty women.
David Cameron believes he can get enormous traction by confessing that sleeping with his wife is the equivalent of sleeping with no more than thirty women.
Political experts are now confidently forecasting that the election wont produce an outright victory for any party and it will be followed by a torrid and highly confusing circus to try and form a coalition government.
Gordon wont get into bed with David because they’d never agree on who gets the left side. No-one would get into bed with Gordon without first taking sleeping pills and Nick has no ambition to sleep with less than thirty people at a time.
Meanwhile be prepared for a late run by the British National Party. Their promise of sending the British Empire back to where it came from has the full support of the Queen Victoria Loyalist League.
Tori Banger has never had sex with less than thirty people a year.
Tags: British Empire, British National Party, David Cameron satire, Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown satire, Greece, Iraq, Labor, Liberal Democrats, Nick Clegg satire, Queen Victoria Loyalist League, sex addiction clinics, Tori Banger
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Story No. 29
‘Congratulations George’ I said ‘on your re-election. I cant’ believe so many people voted for Kerry. And as for John Edwards he couldn’t get a gig as a gigolo in a sex addiction clinic for women’
‘Thanks Barney’ said George ‘and I’m particularly grateful for your brilliant contributions to my campaign’
‘You bet’ I said ‘does this mean I’m retained as a senior advisor for the next four years?’
‘Definitely’ said George
‘I’m honoured’ I said ‘but there’s one or two points I’d like to discuss. It has come to my attention that Karl Rove your other senior advisor makes far more than I do’
‘That’s right’ said George ‘but there’s no such concept as equal pay for dogs. Karl is highly paid but I guarantee that no dog in the US is better off than you’
‘Well’ I said ‘here’s my ambit claim. Fillet steak at least once a week, weekly full body grooming at the Pet Pampering Palace, a new fifty-two inch TV set to fit in my kennel, a new computer with six gigabarks and regular bonking with the hotties I find on the on-line Doggy Dating Service’
‘Good heavens Barney’ said George ‘Ok but I’m not sure how I’m going to arrange White House passes for your doggy dates. If I can arrange for you to slip out through the back gate that should ensure you get it away’
‘Agreed’ I said ‘I’ll have the contract ready for you to sign tomorrow. Now in regard to setting policies for the next four years you’ve got to do something about the economy’
‘Why?’ asked George ‘its booming’
‘Listen carefully’ I said ‘Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae are handing out far too many mortgages to people who haven’t got a republican’s chance in San Francisco of paying them back’
‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘Alan Greenspan’s telling me there are no problems. Don’t tell me you know better than him’
‘George’ I said ‘Alan doesn’t have my nose for things. I’m sensing a stink around Freddie and Fannie that I haven’t smelled since Kenneth Lay came to the White House just before Enron went down the toilet in 2001. I couldn’t tell you because we weren’t on speaking terms back then’
‘Look Barney’ said George ‘I don’t know what I can do. I can hardly get you and Alan together for a chat’
‘Mark my words’ I said ‘if you go on like this there’s a crash coming sometime in the next four years and it will stuff your approval rating and stuff any chance of a Republican running the 2009 election’
‘Where on earth do you get all this stuff from?’ asked George
‘I just dog on to the internet’ I said ‘and chat to underground terrier groups all over the world. And by the way George talking of terriers its high time you sorted out that mob in Iraq. I agree with Dick Cheney for a change. It’s time for a surge’
‘Goodness Barney’ said George ‘if you’ve started to agree with Dick perhaps I should get you two together’
‘Thank you George’ I said ‘but I’ve only just got rid of the fleas and the last thing I need is a dose of the worms’
Tags: Alan Greenspan, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Dick Cheney, Enron, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, George Bush, George W Bush, Iraq, John Edwards, John Kerry, Karl Rove, Kenneth Lay, Republicans, sex addiction clinic, White House
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Story No. 26
‘As you know Barney’ said George ‘I’ve been unanimously adopted as the Republican candidate for a second term as president. I need your help with my acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention’
I had to admit that Karl Rove was a dab hand at pulling election campaigns together, but George obviously wanted me to add a touch of finesse.
‘That’s easy George’ I said ‘all you need do is promise to keep the country safe from terrorists, keep dollars in everyone’s pocket and be kind to animals’
It wasn’t something I could get too excited about. There was zero chance the Convention would reject George as their candidate and the delegates would applaud and scream ecstatically even if he told them all to go and get nicked.
‘You know Barney’ said George ‘I feel the need to reach out to every American citizen, to outline my vision of a truly great nation of which they can all feel proud’
‘Sorry George’ I said ‘that’s lead balloon stuff. We’re already a truly great nation but citizens like me can hardly be proud at the prospect of Dick Cheney as vice-president for another four years’
‘But the country is expecting great things of me’ said George
‘Look George’ I said ‘I’ve told you before that you don’t promise great things because people will only get disappointed. You’ve got to understand that politicians don’t do great things; they rather recognise great things when they see them and claim all the credit’
‘What about healthcare’ asked George hopefully ‘Karl thinks that might be an area to concentrate on’
‘Well I suppose you could say something about reforming health insurance’ I said ‘your mates in the industry are getting away with murder. You can bet John Kerry will be promising healthcare reforms he hasn’t got a hope in Harlem of delivering. How about promising to force health insurance companies to insure people who are sick?’
‘Are you kidding?’ said George ‘that would be like forcing people to buy clapped out old cars’
‘Ok’ I said ‘how about closing the border with Mexico?’
‘No way’ said George ‘that would stop all that cheap labour coming here’
‘Yes’ I said ‘but what you’re getting as well is cheap drugs and drug-pushers. The border will soon become known as Cocaine Crossing’
‘I should say something about foreign policy’ said George ‘perhaps I should get closer to Tony Blair’
‘You have to be joking’ I said ‘even the UK Labor Party is trying to distance themselves from him. Your foreign policy priority is to destroy terrorism wherever it raises its ghastly head whether its in Iraq, Afghanistan or the John Kerry for President Committee.
‘Right on Barney’ said George ‘now we’re getting somewhere. Anything else I should mention?’
‘Yes’ I said ‘just remind the convention that Kerry’s married to the Heinz baked beans heiress. That’s why he’s so full of wind’.
Tags: Afghanistan, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Cocaine, Cocaine Crossing, Dick Cheney, full of wind, George Bush, George W Bush, health insurance, healthcare, Heinz, Iraq, John Kerry, Mexico, President, President of USA, Republican, Terrorism, Tony Blair, UK Labor Party, Wind power
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Story No. 20
‘Look George’ I said ‘it’s time you took the 2004 presidential election seriously’
There was less than a year to go and I was worried that George was resting on his 9/11 laurels a bit too much.
‘Don’t worry Barney’ said George ‘Karl’s got everything under control’
Now I was a big fan of Karl Rove the Architect. In fact I’d been meaning to ask George if he could design a new kennel for me.
He devised devilishly cunning plots which made the Watergate break-in look like Breakfast at Tiffany’s. He was so good at elections he could get Madonna voted into the Order of Vestal Virgins.
‘Ok George’ I said ‘I just wanted to be reassured that things are on track. Kerry and Edwards might give us a pretty tough contest’
‘Do you really think so’ said George ‘I thought they were a pretty pinhead pick even for the Democrats’
Well’ I said ‘Kerry’s a decorated Vietnam war hero while you got a cushy job in the Air National Guard through the back door’
‘Wait a minute’ said George ‘Dad could see I was a future national treasure too valuable to be shot at. You don’t think it will be a problem do you?’
‘You’re in luck’ I said ‘I talk regularly on the dog-and-bone to this friend whose owner was on the swift boats with Kerry in Vietnam. Tell Karl we should be able to organise something. Kerry’s married to that Heinz heiress. All those baked beans have made him stodgy’
‘That Edwards could be a worry’ said George ‘for a democrat he seems quite a reasonable sort of guy’
‘It would help’ I said ‘if you had a decent running mate like McCain instead of Dick’
‘Look Barney’ said George sternly ‘we’ve had this conversation before. Don Rumsfeld got it right when he said our election chances could be maximised exponentially through judicious use of our Dick. Edwards can’t do any damage can he?’
‘There’s a bit of goss around town’ I said ‘indicating that he’s carrying out extended testing of his social inclusion programme with female members of his campaign staff’
‘You don’t mean…’ began George
‘I’m afraid so’ I said ‘what you need is a running mate like Eliot Spitzer who could out-bonk him. How are the election policies shaping up?’
‘Absolutely brilliantly’ said George ‘my Clear Skies Act will shake the environmental movement to its core’
‘You mean you’re actually getting rid of carbon pollution?’ I asked
‘No’ he said ‘I’m getting rid of pollution controls. And I’m bringing democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan’
‘Have the Iraqis and the Afghans had a democratic vote on that yet?’ I asked
‘Good heavens no’ said George ‘I’m introducing American democracy’
‘What about a campaign slogan?’ I asked
‘I am planning to use ‘Yes America Can’ said George
‘Tell Karl it needs to be more inclusive and personal’ I said’ ‘Yes we can’ would be much better. That slogan’s so good that if you don’t use it someone else will’
Tags: 9/11, Afghanistan, Breakfast at Tiffanys, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, carbon pollution, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, Eliot Spitzer, George Bush, George W Bush, Heinz, Iraq, Karl Rove, Madonna, McCain, Vietnam war
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Story No. 19
George was extraordinarily fortunate to have me as his senior adviser. Dogs can sniff around and pick up bits of stuff that other advisers miss completely. And I had a real nose for people.
‘George’ I said one day in the middle of an intense discussion about health policy ‘its time for a performance review of the key members of your cabinet and top advisers. You’ve got an election coming up and it’s critical you have a team in place who can hack it’
‘Good thinking Barney’ said George ‘what did you have in mind?’
‘Well let’s look at your top five people’ I said ‘first there’s me and it looks like you’ve already made the obvious decision to retain my services by renewing my dog licence last week. So let’s talk about Colin Powell’
‘Wonderful man’ said George
‘I know’ I said ‘but he’s really pissed about the way he’s been treated by Dick and Don. He’s the ex-General and they keep telling him how to run the wars. It’s like me telling Derek Jeter he doesn’t know how to hold a bat’
‘Sure there are differences of opinion’ said George ‘but isn’t that normal?’
‘Dick and Don’ I said ‘don’t have normal opinions. They are dedicated disciples of Atilla the Hun. Mark my words George, Colin’s up to here with it. And don’t forget he was the one left twisting in the wind after telling the UN there were WMDs in Iraq. You don’t have to be Oprah Winfrey to work out who fitted him up for that. He’s not a second termer George’
‘That’s a bit of a shock’ said George ‘who on earth can I replace him with?’
A bit of a confession here. I’ve always been an unabashed fan of Condi Rice. She’s black and a real terrier just like me and I’ve always regarded her as a sort of kindred spirit. If there’s one person I would love to talk to besides George it would be her. So having sussed that Colin, who is also a really great black guy by the way, was going to call it a day, I evolved a cunning strategy to slot in Condi.
‘Condi Rice is a no-brainer’ I said ‘all the other possible candidates are dogsbodies by comparison. If you don’t appoint her I’ll stand on the steps of the Capitol Building with a white eye and accuse you of mistreating blacks’
‘Alright, alright’ said George ‘anything else?’
‘Yes, I’d fire Dick and Don’ I said
‘No way’ said George ‘they’ve grown on me. I think it must be the Stockholm Syndrome’
‘I find them more like chronic fatigue syndrome’ I said ‘if Don runs the Iraq war much longer Osama bin Laden will start sending him Christmas cards. Come to think of it I’d make the ideal Secretary of Defence’
‘Sorry Barney’ said George ‘you’ll have to be content with being the underdog’
Tags: Atilla the Hun, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Colin Powell, Condi Rice, Derek Jeter, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Iraq, Oprah Winfrey, Osama Bin Laden, Stockholm Syndrome, WMD
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Story No: 18
‘I’ve been thinking about my place in history’ said George
‘Look George’ I said ‘I wouldn’t worry about it just yet. You’ve only been president for three years and with a bit of luck and a dumbassed Democrat candidate like John Kerry you might last another five’
To tell the truth I like George and didn’t want to break it to him that his only chance of avoiding the Hall of Mediocrity was to follow my advice more closely.
‘Come on Barney, humour me’ said George ‘for example do you rate me a better president than my father?’
‘Difficult question’ I said ‘you’ve both stuffed up Iraq but ultimately he loses out because he was responsible for you’
‘When you think of a president responsible for lifting the US to a place it has never been before who would that be?’ asked George
‘Kennedy’ I responded ‘he drove us to the moon’
‘What about a president who has impacted the world through initiatives he took in the Oval Office?’ asked George
‘Clinton’ I said ‘but he needed help from Monica’
‘In some ways’ said George ‘I compare myself with Nixon. He reached out to countries like China and Alaska and he loved his little dog’
‘There’s a big difference George’ I said ‘Nixon was almost impeached, Clinton was impeached but you are simply impaired. And you have a much better taste in dogs’
‘People tell me I could turn out like Abraham Lincoln’ said George
‘That’s probably because he got shot’ I observed
‘Perhaps I’ll be remembered for great quotes like ‘Families is where the nation finds hope, where wings take dream’ said George
‘Perhaps you should try something like ‘ask not what Barney can do for you but rather what you can do for Barney’ I suggested
‘Hey that’s pretty good’ said George ‘it sounds like Ronald Reagan. He was a similar sort of president to me’
‘Sure’ is said ‘but again there is a difference. He spent part of his life in ‘B’ movies but you’ve been in one all your life’
‘Perhaps I’ll be remembered as a great wartime president’ said George
‘I think Franklin D Roosevelt’s got that slot’ I said
‘What about a great anti-terrorist president?’ asked George
‘I don’t think Osama bin Laden would support that’ I said
‘How about Father of the Nation’ persisted George
‘Look George’ I said ‘it’s a bit late for that. The Founding Fathers beat you to it by two hundred years or so’.
‘OK Barney’ said George ‘what do you really think?’
‘Well’ I said ‘you haven’t had any great success stories like solving the Middle East dilemma or tearing down a wall but on the other hand you haven’t been involved in any scandals sex or otherwise and you’ve got a lovely family’
‘You mean you think I’ll be remembered as the ordinary president?’ asked George
‘Yes’ I said ‘very ordinary’
Tags: Abraham Lincoln, Bill Clinton, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Franklin D Roosevelt, George Bush, George W Bush, Iraq, JFK, John F Kennedy, John Kerry, Nixon, Osama Bin Laden, Ronald Reagan
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Story No. 16
‘George’ I said ‘you’ve got to secure the border with Mexico’
‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘we’ve been through all that stuff before and you’re barking up the wrong tree’
‘Very funny’ I said ‘but as you know George I’m not one to let sleeping dogs lie. You’ve heard of the Mexican Wave. Well if you leave that border open much longer, forget the football stadium, you’ll have one right round the country’
‘I don’t know what you’re worried about’ said George ‘We simply turn a blind eye to a few million Hispanic illegals because they’re a great source of cheap labour and Vincente Fox loves it because they send all their cash home’
‘George’ I said ‘you’re sworn to uphold the US Constitution but you’re running the country like a rundown baseball stadium. You have to pay to get in through the main entrances but you can get in free through a hole in the bleachers’
‘I think it’s very civilised’ said George ‘that Mexicans can stroll into our country and we can take a stroll into theirs when we feel like it. And it makes me feel good that we’re lending a helping hand to the Mexican economy’
‘That elevates you to the same status as the drug barons’ I said ‘and they love your open door border policy’
‘And just think of the huge savings in the Immigration Service’ said George ‘not having to process all those millions of people’
I sensed it was time to play my trump card.
‘Listen George’ I said ‘I hope you understand that all these Hispanics which are pouring in could one day become US citizens. And guess which party Hispanics vote for, the Democrats’
‘Good heavens Barney’ said George ‘this is a national emergency. We’ve got to take action immediately to stop this illegal immigration outrage. This is a clear and present danger and we’ve got to send the army down there immediately’
‘Wait a minute George’ I said ‘you haven’t got enough troops. The border with Mexico is nineteen hundred miles long. To guard it effectively you would have to bring back all the troops from Iraq and Afghanistan and ask the Taliban and Al Queda if you could borrow some of theirs into the bargain’
‘Perhaps we should invade Mexico’ said George
‘Bad idea George’ I said ‘not only would Vincente Fox stop coming to Camp David for tortilla weekends but that would achieve the impossible dream of uniting Fidel Castro, the UN and the Mexican drug barons in a coalition of the willing’
‘I know’ said George ‘I’ll let them in as long as they promise to vote Republican’
‘George’ I said ‘you’ve got to build a wall nineteen hundred miles long.. And get some Staffordshire Terriers to patrol it. The Scottish Terriers like me got the brains but they got the teeth’
‘That’s a helluva lot of wall’ said George
‘Well look at it this way’ I said ‘it could become a tourist attracton to rival the Great Wall of China’
‘So let’s get this straight’ said George ‘by building this wall I’d be keeping out drug runners and Democrat voters. But wouldn’t I also be keeping out all that cheap labour that we rely on to keep the economy strong?’
“Absolutely right George’ I said ‘you’d be creating the perfect Mexican Standoff’
Tags: Afghanistan, Al Qa’ida, Al Queda, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Fidel Castro, George Bush, George W Bush, Great Wall of China, Hispanic illegals, Iraq, Mexican Wave, Mexico, Taliban, US Constitution, Vincente Fox
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Story No. 9
‘I was lying in bed the other morning’ said George ‘and I came up with a brilliant idea for solving the Israeli-Palestinian problem’
‘Oh that’s great George’ I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster given there was as much chance of George solving the Israeli-Palestinian problem as Hillary Clinton phoning to offer me a date with her glamorous bitch.
‘I’ll invite Arafat and Sharon to come to the White House for as long as it takes to get things sorted. What do you think?’
‘Sorry George’ I said ‘but Bill Clinton’s already tried that. They all shook hands on a deal then Arafat and Rabin went home and carried on as usual’
‘How about if I rendition them instead?’ mused George
‘George’ I said ‘Listen to me. The whole Israeli-Palestinian thing is a massive dog’s breakfast. My advice is leave it alone. You’ve already got a huge mess in Afghanistan and Iraq and you don’t want to score a Middle East trifecta’
‘Barney’ said George ‘solving the Israeli-Palestinian thing is my destiny. The crowning achievement of my presidency. I need your help to do great things’
‘Even with my help’ I said ‘you’d still have a better chance of being appointed chief rocket scientist at NASA’
‘All I’ve got to do’ said George ‘is persuade the Palestinians that becoming good neighbours with the Israelis is a better policy than annihilating them’
‘George’ I said ‘it’s the same as you living next door to Osama bin Laden. In those circumstances being good neighbours is not firing rockets at each other for an hour or two’
‘Alright then’ said George ‘I’ll persuade the Israelis to accept the state of Palestine’
‘Then the question you have to consider’ I said ‘is whether Jerusalem becomes part of Palestine or whether Israel keeps it’
‘Tell you what’ said George ‘I’ll persuade them to toss for it; heads Israel keeps Jerusalem, tails it becomes the capital of Palestine’
‘I’ve got a better idea’ I said ‘we could sit you on a horse, create the legend of George of Arabia and then you could lead the Palestinians across the desert to their promised land. I’d make a fortune out of Hollywood for the film rights’
‘Great thinking Barney’ said George ‘I could cut off all US financial support for Israel until they agree to everything’
‘No chance’ I said ‘if you did that you would never be invited to another bar mitzvah, lose a squillion in campaign funding and you’d be kicked out at the next election’
‘Do you really thing so?’ asked George ‘Perhaps you’re right Barney about leaving the Israeli-Palestinian thing alone. There’s plenty of other areas where I can do great things’
‘Right on George’ I said ‘for example you could create the Dogs Hall of Fame. Lassie and I would be shoe-ins’
‘Great idea’ said George ‘that would certainly guarantee me the dogsbody vote’
Tags: Afghanistan, Arafat, Bill Clinton, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, George Bush, George of Arabia, George W Bush, Hillary Clinton, Iraq, Israeli, Jerusalem, Middle East trifecta, NASA, Osama Bin Laden, Palestinian, Rabin, Sharon, White House
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