Story No: 7
‘Now George’ I said ‘I hope you don’t mind if I ask you a personal question but have you had sex recently?’
George looked stunned. Although to be fair this was probably the first time he had been questioned by a dog about his sex life.
‘Good heavens Barney’ said George ‘That’s a very personal question. Why do you ask?’
‘Well’ I said ‘the sex life of US Presidents is a fascinating study. On the one hand you would think that to a man they would represent a morality and steely resolve which is impervious to carnal desires while on the other there’s Kennedy and Clinton’
‘But they were both democrats’ said George ‘Republicans are not susceptible to temptation’
‘Well I’m a republican’ I said ‘and I’m tempted. But doesn’t it surprise you that your predecessors had a bit on the side with Marilyn Monroe and Monica Lewinsky and most other pieces of skirt that came along?’
‘Not really’ said George ‘although I’d be astounded to hear that about Nixon, Reagan and my father’
‘So would your mother’ I said ‘but Nixon didn’t mind a bit of burglary now and then’
‘Oh I think Watergate was very overblown’ said George ‘after all it was only a political burglary’
‘Now come on George’ I said ‘you’re the most powerful man in the world and there must be women throwing themselves at you’
‘It’s true’ said George ‘that women find me highly attractive. But I close my eyes and think of Bill Clinton saying ‘I did not have sex with that woman’ and I find that’s enough excitement for one day’
‘My great ambition’ I said ‘is to join the mile high club on Air Force One’
‘Then there are two things you should keep in mind’ said George ‘every inch of the plane is under video surveillance apart from my bedroom and toilet and the crew has strict instructions never to become involved in a dogflight’
‘Oh then’ I said ‘I’ll switch my ambition to becoming a member of the oval office club’
‘Barney’ said George ‘I would never allow a republican like you to become a member of any club which counts Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky amongst its members’
‘Look George’ I said ‘you may choose to be reticent about your sex life but I’m at the end of my leash. I haven’t got one. You’ve never fixed me up with that bitch at the Clinton’s. Don’t tell me the only sexual fulfilment I’m likely to get comes from rubbing myself against Dick Cheney’s leg’
‘Well Barney’ said George ‘if it’s that big a problem I could arrange for you to get the unkindest cut of all’
‘No George I’ll manage’ I said hastily ‘but I’ve got an idea. With my impeccable pedigree you could make quite a few bucks sending me to stud for a week or two’
‘So you screw yourself silly and I get paid for it’ said George ‘that hardly befits a president’
‘Why not?’ I said ‘you’re screwing Iraq and we’re all paying for it’
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