Talking Points for Labour Politicians
Week Commencing 25th April 2010

1. Home Insulation Scheme
Try to take the heat out of this subject by reassurances that Greg Combet is doing a great job cooling things down. But don’t go overboard on Greg because Kevin wants to take most of the credit.

Reinforce the point that the scheme was part of the Governments stimulus package which has kept the country in jobs apart from the home insulation industry.

Peter Garrett continues to enhance his reputation as a first-class minister by banning Chinese coal ships from doing tourist class tours round the Barrier Reef.

The government has now taken a courageous decision to shut the scheme down. The incredible job we’re doing re-insulating the homes we’ve already insulated means we’re running out of stimulus. This development in no way detracts from the brilliant achievements of this ground-breaking initiative. It simply means that all the families who have had their homes insulated wont have to worry any more and those that haven’t wont have to worry in case they do.

2. BER
The Deputy Prime Minister is puzzled by the intense criticism of Building the Education Revolution. She claims that all the school buildings completed so far are just like the Opera House; curvy roofs and built for a song.

The Inquiry team are already hard at work and the rumour that they will receive a five per cent fee on all COLAs is being investigated.

Julia is spending a tremendous amount of time touring schools and is absolutely ecstatic at the success of the programme. She wears a hard hat not because she fears a COLA roof falling on her head but rather because Kevin doesn’t want to be the only one who looks like a goose on television.

3. ETS
Try to avoid talking about the ETS and Penny Wong. She is currently suffering from chronic Copenhagen withdrawal symptoms and is still paying off the hotel bills for the one hundred and fourteen Aussie delegates. That’s why Kevin can’t afford to go overseas at the moment.

4. Tony Abbott Sledge of the Week
He’s fallen off his bike once too often when he wasn’t wearing a helmet.

5. Joe Hockey Sledge of the Week
If he lost weight he might have a slim chance of becoming leader of the opposition.

6. The Hospitals Plan
The agreement to the hospitals plan is historic, a monumental achievement by Kevin, the biggest reform in centuries and the most significant event in the sector since Tony Abbott ripped out one billion dollars.

Above all this is a personal triumph for Kevin, the jewel in the crown of his first term and a huge advantage for working families and other people as well.

Colin Barrett, the premier of WA thought the plan was absolutely brilliant but couldn’t agree to it because he’s the political stooge of Tony Abbott. Kevin is determined to resolve this impasse through constructive negotiation even if it means WA hospitals are forced to operate in carparks.

It is a tribute to Kevin’s supreme negotiating skills that the premiers agreed to accept bucketfuls of money and to run the hospitals themselves because the federal government’s too busy cleaning up the BER and the home insulation scheme. What’s more he persuaded the premiers to hand over thirty percent of their GST revenue so he could place it in a pool where they will be absolutely swimming in it.

There is absolutely no truth in the rumour that John Brumby only agreed to the plan after he was threatened with major surgery to take out his GST and that Kristina’s agreement was secured only after she was threatened with a Tripodi-Obeid plot to replace her with Frank Sartor.

The assertion from Tony Abbott, who by the way ripped one billion dollars out of hospitals when he was health minister, that the plan simply adds another level of bureaucracy is absolutely false. The extra bureaucrats are an addition to the existing layer whose role is to prevent hospital operations becoming too bureaucratic.

And let’s not forget the patients. This plan will guarantee them world’s best practice hospital care. For example a patient who turns up at an emergency department having just had a heart attack and been run over by a bus will only have to wait a maximum of four hours.