Posts Tagged ‘Julia Gillard’
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
19th February 2010
Mr President,
I can’t tell you how excited we all are about your visit. Marge almost had to go to emergency last week because she was overheating.
The mayor is standing by and thinks he can get the day off if you can find time to visit Beauthaven. We haven’t heard back from your social secretary yet so perhaps you could jog her memory.
Instead of our usual World Affairs Think Tank this week the Club put on a Sarah Palin Roast and Half-Price Beer Night. It was a huge success but I think Neville got a bit upset about some of the things they said about Sarah because he fancies her just like Hillary. He once told me I was the same type as Sarah. Next thing he’ll be inviting me out moose-shooting.
I’m really excited that the Club picked up four new members at the Roast but I‘m not convinced we’ll keep them once the beer goes back to full price.
The committee thought it would be useful if I passed on a few tips about Australia to help you plan your trip. I know the embassy in Canberra will be briefing you but its not like they live in Australia.
Now I know you’re used to flying into major capital cities like London and Washington. Flying into Canberra may be a bit of a shock. Don’t be surprised if it seems like you’re flying into Kevin’s country estate instead.
The airport building is about half as big as Air Force One. In fact while you’re there some people might mistake it for the airport building.
Canberra’s not what you’d call a shopper’s paradise. If Michele wants to do any shopping here I suggest you drop her off in Sydney and I’ll show her round.
Mildred suggested I reassure you that it will be quite safe to go into the Australian Parliament because Peter Garrett hasn’t insulated the roof.
By the way there’s a whole lot of Afghans and Sri Lankans in Indonesia who are trying to get into Australia. When you call in there make sure your security guys are on the lookout for potential stowaways on Air Force One. It wouldn’t be a good look if you disembarked in Sydney with a bunch of asylum seekers.
You might have to be sprayed by the immigration authorities before you land in Canberra but usually they only spray septics who are Republicans.
I know you’ll have a great time in Canberra chatting up Kevin and Julia. They’re such lovely people. And I know you’ll do your best to be polite when you meet Tony Abbott and Joe Hockey; don’t be surprised if Joe’s dressed as Tinkerbell. And if Barnaby Joyce tells you to ‘bugger off’ that’s only the Nationals way of trying to be matey.
Oh and don’t be surprised by the Federal Parliament Building being partly underground. They designed it that way to conceal the fact that our politicians have got their heads buried in the sand.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Air Force One, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Hillary Clinton, Joe Hockey, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Michele Obama, Obama Fan Club, Peter Garrett, Sarah Palin, Tony Abbott
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Great Mate
Peter Garrett has demonstrated an ability to expostulate, discombobulate, encapsulate, recapitulate, articulate, vacillate, ululate, miscalculate, emasculate, dissimulate, gesticulate, confabulate, manipulate but alas not insulate.
Valentine Shock
If you received a Valentine Card from Kevin don’t panic, it was just part of his new stimulation package.
Oh Heavens it’s Kevin
There’s growing concern amongst health authorities at the spread of Kevin Fatigue Syndrome. Sufferers can experience frightening symptoms such as Julia Gillard beginning to look quite attractive. Spokesmen are confident however that the standard treatment comprising earplugs and blindfolds will prove effective. Labor Party heavies are said to be quite concerned that Julia herself might contract it and begin to see herself as more attractive than Kevin.
Retro Metro
The NSW Labor Government have shown themselves to be passionate metrosexuals. There’s lots of metro bonking with a number of premature withdrawals but no sign of a climax.
A Heavy Crossing to Bear
The NSW Government caused universal astonishment by rejecting proposals from two organisations to privatise the Sydney Harbour Ferries and opting to maintain the status quo. They had arguably come to the realisation that a ferry service which is profitable, on-time and free from the daily risk of crashing into Circular Quay would be a threat to their toll revenue on the Harbour Bridge.
See You Later Insulator
Kevin has done such a brilliant job insulating Peter Garrett he’s the obvious choice to go out and fix some houses.
Fairyland
During his appearance on television wearing a crown and tutu and carrying a wand Joe Hockey appeared not so much like Tinkerbell and more like the Magic Pudding.
Up the Poll
According to the polls voters are going off Kevin in droves. They must have batts in the belfry.
Tags: Joe Hockey, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, NSW Government, NSW Labor Government, Peter Garrett, Sydney Harbour Ferries
Posted in Carbon Emissions | 1 Comment »
Virgin on the Political
George Brandis claimed that Julia Gillard is not qualified to pronounce on parenting because she doesn’t have children. He was however quite happy for her to discuss virginity with the hopelessly unqualified Tony Abbott.
Ball Control
There seems to be a concerted move in the UK to prevent John Terry’s sexual indiscretions being placed in the same league as Tiger’s. It is claimed he merely put the finishing touches to a movement down his right flank.
Blockbuster
Serena Williams victory in the Australian Open seemed to be the antithesis of the outcome in Avatar.
Sheer Terror
Obama is searching for the ideal environment for the trial of the 9/11 masterminds now that the Big Apple plan has been juiced. Support is growing for setting up a video link between the courtroom and the defendants traveling on a pilotless plane on course to crash into Al Qaeda central.
Lord Blair of Baghdad
The Iraq Inquiry in the UK seems increasingly like a deliberate attempt to undermine George W Bush’s place in history and pin all the blame for the war on Tony Blair. And it’s an absolute scandal that so far there’s been no mention of John Howard.
The Penny Hasn’t Dropped
Kevin and Penny Wong are having a third go at getting the Lazarus ETS legislation passed by parliament.
They must either know something the rest of us don’t or don’t know something the rest of us do.
The evidence available to mere mortals indicates that the EU’s ETS is useless, Europe won’t set emissions reductions targets before the US who won’t set them before China who won’t set them. The scientific evidence underpinning an ETS looks increasingly discredited and the only delegates in Copenhagen who looked remotely interested in taking urgent action on climate change were Kevin, Penny and those from small developing countries excited by the prospect of a big cash handout.
Perhaps its just that Kevin and Penny have seen An Inconvenient Truth too many times or they haven’t yet seen the latest Newspoll.
Men of Action
Kevin and Obama are both heavily criticised for being all talk and no action. Perhaps action has become an unacceptable political risk undertaken only by carpetbaggers like George W Bush and Tony Abbott.
Tags: 9/11, Al Qaeda, Avatar, Barack Obama, Big Apple, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, George Brandis, George Bush, George W Bush, John Howard, John Terry, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Penny Wong, Serena Williams, The Iraq Inquiry, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott, Tony Blair
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly reports this week from high on a wall in the opposition leader’s inner sanctum.
Julie Bishop and Joe Hockey were sitting at the conference table while Tony was belting a punching-bag with Kevin’s face on it.
‘Look Tony’ said Joe ‘you’ve got a big problem with women’
‘That’s horseshit’ said Tony ‘I was the biggest stud at uni by far, I’m a big hit with the girls at the surf lifesaving club and even Julia Gillard thinks I’m a hunk’
‘Personally Tony I strongly agree with Julia’ said Julie ‘but for a lot of women your views are a bit too catholic’
‘I don’t understand’ said Tony ‘the Pope’s a catholic but he doesn’t have a problem with women’
‘He would’ said Joe ‘if he had to rely on their votes to keep his job. Let’s be absolutely clear about this. Women claim that as minister for health you allowed your catholic beliefs to influence your decisions; keep your rosaries off my ovaries and all that sort of stuff’
‘Well the Pope and George Pell agreed with me’ said Tony
‘The last time I checked’ said Joe ‘they weren’t women’
‘Most women can’t help but be attracted by your rugged looks’ said Julie ‘but they’re not going to vote for someone who is pro-life, doesn’t believe in contraception and could be the father of anyone under forty’
‘Ok, ok’ said Tony ‘’I get it. What should I do about it?’
‘Well first of all’ said Joe ‘we’ve got to get the Pope to send you an email saying that he’s pleased that you are pro-work choices and then we re-jig it to lose ‘work’ and the ‘s’.
‘Next’ said Julie ‘we’ve got to get you the lead in a campaign promoting safe sex and a gig as patron of planned parenthood’
‘At the same time I don’t think we should discount the lifesaver macho appeal angle’ said Joe ‘Perhaps a nude centrefold in a women’s magazine and a contract from Speedo to front a new range of see-through smuggle-proof swimwear’
‘Balance is so important’ said Julie ‘we have to exploit your sex appeal edge over a Prime Minister who couldn’t pull a nymphomaniac at an orgy, but at the same time we don’t want to confuse your image with Tiger Woods’
‘Look that’s all very exciting’ said Tony ‘but I don’t’ want to affect the great support I enjoy amongst more mature women’
‘No problem’ said Joe ‘all we have to do is remind them that if you resurrected Bronwyn Bishop you could do it for anybody’.
Tags: Bronwyn Bishop, Fly on the Wall, George Pell, Joe Hockey, Julia Gillard, Julie Bishop, The Pope, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott, Work Choices
Posted in Fly on the Wall | No Comments »
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly brings you all the latest buzz on the powerful and the pathetic from his unique vantage point high up on the walls of their offices.
Kevin convened a meeting with Julia, Wayne and Penny to discuss tactics for a third go at getting the ETS legislation passed.
‘Fair suck of the sauce bottle’ said Kevin ‘Penny spends ages locked away with that MacFarlane guy, we get Malcolm in our pocket and then the Coalition go fxxking feral and we’re up against a climate change cretin like the Mad Monk. He’s your mate Julia, can’t you do some budgie smuggling with him?’
‘Now Kevin let’s be absolutely clear about this’ said Julia ‘I went off him after he called you a toxic bore, an egregious egotist, a prissy, preening little nerd and a …’
‘Alright, alright’ said Kevin ‘now here’s the plan. We’ll have to explain the ETS a bit more like coming clean about what its actually going to cost people’
‘Good heavens’ said Penny, visibly shaken ‘you can’t to that. You can’t trust people to put the fate of the world and this government before their own greedy self-interest.’
‘All we have to say’ said Kevin ‘is that everyone’s getting an ETS rebate. We don’t have to reveal that for half the population it’s hopelessly inadequate. And Penny I want you to lead an ETS charm offensive. Have your face permanently botoxed into a smile and stop referring to Tony Abbott as a Neanderthal sub-human sceptic’
‘I’d rather spend another week at the Copenhagen Conference’ said Penny
‘I think we should review whether the ETS is the best way to reduce carbon emissions’ said Wayne
Kevin recoiled in horror like someone had just served him a beef sandwich.
‘What the fxxk are you talking about Wayne’ he roared ‘of course it’s the fxxking best way’
‘Shouldn’t we set up a parliamentary committee to investigate it?’ asked Wayne bravely ‘I mean it’s a huge economic pain in the ass and the Northern Hemisphere’s just entered a new ice age’
‘I’ve already got five committees investigating it’ said Kevin ‘and there’s another committee analysing whether we should have another committee’
The intercom buzzed ‘Excuse me prime minister, John Grant’s on the phone asking whether you’ll need to borrow a ute for the next election’
‘Tell him I’ll need two’ said Kevin ‘there isn’t room for my hair dryer if I only use one’
‘Well I’d bring in another stimulus package’ said Wayne ‘to pay everybody’s electricity bills’.
‘That’s a fxxking stupid idea’ said Kevin ‘I’m spending all my time trying to stop Julia wasting stimulus money on senseless school halls’
‘I know’ said Julia ‘we should give everybody work choices. They can either install their own solar heating or spend their weekends at power stations cleaning coal’
‘Brilliant’ said Kevin ‘I’ve always liked the idea of work choices’
Tags: Climate Change, Coalition, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, Fly on the Wall, Ian MacFarlane, John Grant, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Penny Wong, stimulus package, Tony Abbott, Utes, Wayne Swan, Work Choices
Posted in Fly on the Wall | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
15th January 2010
Dear Mr President,
I can’t tell you how excited we all are. We’ve just heard that Hillary is coming to Australia next week and would you believe Prince William is coming at the same time. It’s a good job she’s not a republican.
We obviously couldn’t invite both of them to address the Obama Fan Club during the same week, so we held an emergency meeting of the management committee and chose Hillary because she’s such a wonderful woman and so close to you.
I hope you don’t mind but we’ve sent her a direct message inviting her to our meeting on the nineteenth. She gets booked up so early and I dare say your ambassador Jeff Bleach has already booked her in for a nosh or two with Kevin.
We also told her to bring Bill along too if he’s coming with her. You may recall I told you that Mildred met Bill when she was a pole dancer in Vegas. If we can find a pole I’m sure he’d recognise her.
The Japanese are furious with Julia over whales. She’s doing the PM’s job while Kevin is away writing children’s books.
When it comes to whales there’s a huge cultural difference between the Aussies and the Japs. They believe they should be harpooned and eaten while we see them as cuddly creatures who deserve a better fate than being served as sashimi.
Julia’s thrown one of her headmistress wobblers telling the Japs to stop sinking the protesters’ boats which are trying to sink their whaling ships and suggesting more controversial places to stick their harpoons.
Meanwhile the Japs have told her in no uncertain terms to keep her nose out of it and you can understand why. It’s very large and pointed and would be a very effective substitute for a harpoon.
This week the Club’s World Affairs Think-tank debated whether the Copenhagen Conference had been any use at all.
Hilda said it was inspiring that delegates could still get their knickers in a knot about global warming when they were suffering from frostbite.
Gladys who’s never said anything before made a very critical contribution. She reckoned the Conference would have been a huge success if the other forty thousand delegates had just turned up for the last day like you. It was the previous ten days that caused all the problems.
Neville thought the conference in Mexico might go better because the climate will allow the delegates to demonstrate solar power and not just their wind power.
Mildred made a very astute observation. She reckoned there were too many people there. China and the US got distracted. All you need is a conference where those two agree to a reasonable reduction in emissions and the rest of us can carry on as usual.
I summed up the meeting by blaming Tony Abbott for the mess in Copenhagen. It was his fault the rest of the world didn’t get the chance to adopt Kevin and Penny’s ETS. Though perhaps they were not so inclined to be Penny foolish as pound wise.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, China, Climate Change, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, global warming, Hillary Clinton, Japanese whaling, Jeff Bleach, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Obama, Obama Fan Club, Penny Wong, Prince William, Solar Power, Tony Abbott, Wind power
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 1 Comment »
It’s such a busy time of year and not surprising that so many forget about New Year’s Resolutions. Here’s a few gentle reminders to those sorely in need.
Hostesses and
cocktail waitresses - ban dates with Tiger
Obama - change into something we can really believe in
President Hu - develop an image as Old King Coal
Tony Abbott - take the painful step up to ferret smugglers
Malcolm Turnbull - reduce greenhouse gas emissions by becoming less of an old fart
Gordon Brown - take constipation tablets regularly
Berlusconi - stay out of crowds unless they’re young girls
Penny Wong - tattoo ‘ETS’ on her backside so she can sit on it for a while
Father Christmas - abandon plans to extend his franchise into Afghanistan
Julie Bishop - pick up a few tips from Deputy Dawg
Bill Clinton - don’t become jealous of Tiger
Robert Mugabe - spend Zimbabwe’s climate change grant from the UN on a luxury ski lodge in St Moritz
Julia Gillard - stop talking like an education revolution headmistress
Joe Tripodi - reduce carbon emissions by becoming a solar power broker
Al Gore - stop emiting anything. We’ve got the message
The Mayor of Copenhagen - clean up after the cyclones, earthquakes and bushfires caused by the Climate Change Conference
Sarah Palin - make an unpresidented impact
Joe Hockey - reduce waist in the Liberal Party
Kevin - achieve a further reduction in greenhouse emissions by extending the ETS to cover baked beans and artichokes
Tiger - become President of US Adulterers Anonymous and recruit Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer and Mark Sanford as foundation members
Wayne Swan - needs to take at least a couple of stimulus packages a day
Tags: Afghanistan, Al Gore, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Climate Change, ETS, Gordon Brown, Joe Hockey, Joe Tripodi, Julia Gillard, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd, Liberal Party, Malcolm Turnbull, President Hu, Robert Mugabe, Santa, Sarah Palin, Silvio Berlusconi, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan
Posted in Business, International Affairs, Politics, Weekly Mash | No Comments »
Letter to Father Christmas
Dear Santa,
‘Tis the season when people of goodwill at Friday Mash think not of themselves but only of others.
We would really appreciate the delivery of our Christmas gift list set out below in your usual timely festive fashion.
Kevin Rudd - a pair of budgie smugglers to prove he’s got nothing to hide.
Malcolm Turnbull - a CD of Kevin singing ‘Wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen’
Tony Abbott - a DNA test to prove he’s not the lovechild of John Howard and Bronwyn Bishop
Barack Obama - the Nobel Olympic Prize for failing to bring the Games to Chicago
Penny Wong - a climate change; a long stay in Siberia perhaps
Sarah Palin - melting moments at the North Pole with Al Gore
Hillary Clinton - an ‘I should have been President’ bumper sticker
Kristina Keneally - the magic formula which turned Pinocchio from a puppet into a person
Peter Garrett - a part in Coneheads II
Bill Clinton - Tiger’s mobile with all the phone numbers
General McChrystal - a McBall so he can forsee what’s about to happen in Afghanistan
Joe Hockey - a Father Christmas outfit because he’s your natural successor
Julia Gillard - a life size Tony Abbott doll so she no longer has to flirt with him in person
Wayne Swan - a Navman so he can find his way out of the woods
George W Bush - WMDs found in Iraq
Gordon Brown - something to wear under his kilt because he’s been left dangling recently
Berlusconi - bandaids
John Howard - a dancing frog wearing a Bob Hawke face mask. On second thoughts the mask wont be necessary
Barry O’Farrell - a gift similar to that bestowed on so many hostesses and cocktail waitresses; a bit of Tiger in him
The People of NSW - an early election
The delivery of these gifts will make many people very happy. Making people happy is one of your gifts which politicians seem incapable of accepting.
Merry Christmas
From Friday Mash
Tags: Afghanistan, Al Gore, Barack Obama, Barry O’Farrell, Bill Clinton, Bronwyn Bishop, budgie smugglers, Christmas, Copenhagen, early election, Father Christmas, General McChrystal, George W Bush, Gordon Brown, Hillary Clinton, Joe Hockey, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, Malcolm Turnbull, Penny Wong, Peter Garrett, Sarah Palin, Silvio Berlusconi, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan, WMD
Posted in Weekly Mash | No Comments »
Old King Coal was a merry old soul but lately politicians are telling him to clean up his act.
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Some Obama advisers believe the best solution for Afghanistan is an ETS designed to reduce carbon emissions from gunfire. Both sides of the conflict would have their ammunition quota capped and if the US army ran out of bullets the only way they could get more would be to trade with the Taliban.
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Kevin and Julia have recently been saying lovely things about Malcolm. Was this a new found love or was it simply a lust for getting the ETS bill passed?
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It’s been difficult of late to tell the difference between the Liberal Party and anarchy. Experts however have now discovered there is no recorded instance of anarchists stopping the chaos to hold a leadership spill.
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It’s such a shame that Malcolm has lost the Liberal leadership so soon after promising to treat his backbench more humanely, much the same way as Kevin treats asylum seekers.
This Christmas the Liberal Party is celebrating with the mad monk’s midnight mass emissions and Malcolm stuffed. They’ve saved the Joe the plump pudding for another year.
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It is rumoured that Kevin will open the UN Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen by singing ‘There is nothing like a Dane’ in Chinese.
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The Liberal Party we are told is a ‘broad church’, broad enough to be led by an Abbott and a Bishop.
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Tags: Afghanistan, ammunition quota, Barack Obama, Copenhagen, ETS, Joe Hockey, Julia Bishop, Julia Gillard, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd, Liberal Party, Malcolm Turnbull, Taliban, Tony Abbott, US army
Posted in Carbon Emissions | 1 Comment »
Climate change is the new religion. Al Gore is God, Obama is Jesus, Kevin’s an apostle, the Greens are the choir, Julia’s an angel, Barnaby Joyce is an atheist, Malcolm is Judas and Penny will be coming round with the ETS collection plate.
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When Jessica Watson arrives back in Australian waters after her round the world voyage authorities confirm there is every chance she will be intercepted and taken to Indonesia.
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Kevin is considering an inspired new concept for reducing the flow of asylum seekers, the NSW Government Solution; put State Rail in charge of timetables for people smuggler boats departing Indonesia.
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The huge number of Kiwis who have found an asylum in Bondi are proof of the success of the Australian Solution. Experts believe that after a year or two of the Indonesian Solution there could be a significant number of Aussies seeking the NZ Solution.
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Penny is reportedly planning to open a major carbon emissions trading centre. You simply bring along all the carbon emissions which are surplus to your quota and pay somebody else to take ownership of them. On the other hand if you are serious about reducing your carbon emissions apparently all you have to do is use less energy.
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It looks increasingly likely that Kevin will sub-contract Australian immigration operations to Indonesia. In the event that this is a success the next steps will be to sub-contract foreign affairs to North Korea and the ETS to the mining industry.
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One expert believes the person with the best solution for tackling climate change is yet to be born. Luckily there’s still six weeks left before the UN Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen.
Tags: Al Gore, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, carbon emissions trading, Climate Change, ETS, Indonesia, Jessica Watson, Jesus, Judas, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Kiwis, Malcolm Turnbull, New Zealand, North Korea, NSW Government, NZ, Obama, Penny Wong, UN
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
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