Posts Tagged ‘Julia Gillard’
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
30th April 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I’m sure you’ve heard of ANZAC Day. It’s the time when all our brave lads who survived the wars go out to remember those who didn’t. But some of them like Neville get so hammered they forget what they’re supposed to remember.
This year they had a new fallen comrade. Neville was so pissed that on his way home he fell into a roadworks trench and cut his head. He reckons he should get a medal for being wounded in the trenches.
Anyway I had to rush him down to the hospital to get it stitched.
Kevin’s been rabbiting on for weeks about how he’s going to fix hospitals so I thought I’d check him out. When we got to the emergency department I told them we expected Kevin class service. They laughed their heads off, stuck a plaster on Neville’s head and made us wait five hours for the stitches. Tell you what, Kevin’s a great talker but when it comes to action he instantly reduced everyone in the hospital to stitches except of course poor old Neville.
I don’t know what it is with the Greens. Kevin said the greatest moral challenge of our time was to get into bed with the Greens on climate change. Following the events in Western Australia and Kevin’s decision to dump the ETS it seems the greatest moral challenge of our time is not to get into bed with the Greens.
David Bartlett and Troy Buswell should both reflect on the fact that the Greens policy is not to chop down trees only people.
The Club’s World Affairs Think Tank met this week to discuss a topic of profound global significance, “Who is the biggest pain in the arse in the world today?”
Fred started off proceedings by claiming it was me. Bloody cheek. Marge reckons its Tony Abbott because she can’t stand him but still gets dirty thoughts when she sees him in his tight-fitting lycra cycling gear.
Our Elsie’s brother Cyril reckons its Archbishop Pell because he’s a celibate bloke who presumes to advise women on what they should do with their bodies when he and his uncelibate mates are much more qualified.
Our Mavis’ Bert reckons it’s Julia Gillard (how could he?) because she’s been in love with Mark Latham, Kim Beazley, Tony Abbott and Craig Emerson and still blames John Howard for everything.
Mildred reckons its Warren Beatty because she was madly in love with him but it now turns out he’s slept with 29,999 others.
Madge reckons it’s a tie between Ahadinejad and Hugo Chavez because they’ve got their head so far up each others arses that when one of them farts he gives the other a stinking headache.
Marj reckons its Al Gore because he failed to warn us about the biggest disaster of all, himself.
I reckon it’s David Gallop the CEO of the NRL because despite all the letters I’ve written to him he still allows referees who hate the Eels to ruin our matches and he’s threatened me with a lifetime ban if I go out on the ground to advise them how to do it better.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Ahadinejad, Al Gore, ANZAC Day, Archbishop Pell, Craig Emerson, David Bartlett, David Gallop, Eels, ETS, Gaelene Woo, Hugo Chavez, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Kim Beazley, Mark Latham, NRL, the Greens, Tony Abbott, Troy Buswell, Warren Beatty
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 3 Comments »
Having saved Australia and possibly the world from financial collapse the Labor Government is stunned and bemused to be the target of so much cynicism. In a characteristically generous gesture Friday Mash is happy to help them come to an understanding about it.
It could be something to do with Kevin’s promise at the last election not to break any promises.
Fuel Watch failed to deliver the good oil on petrol prices and Grocery Watch headed straight for the checkout.
It’s not surprising there is a degree of cynicism amongst whales. Kevin promised to take the Japanese whalers to the International Court of Justice before he decided there could be a catch in it.
He promised to take over the running of hospitals but following the mess he’s made insulating homes and rebuilding schools no-one is complaining about his failure to deliver on that promise. Furthermore the introduction of covered outside operating areas (COOAs) could put the wind up some patients especially those undergoing haemorrhoid transplants.
The public are decidedly cynical about the onset of selective Alzheimers disease in the Labor Government. Ministers have no recollection whatsoever of any stuff ups they were responsible for yet have perfect recall of all John Howard’s.
To everyone’s astonishment, however, Kevin actually apologised for the home insulation scheme debacle but didn’t apologise for reneging on his undertaking to restart the scheme in June. After he told the Battmen on television that ‘I get it’ you can’t really blame them if they treat him like the Joker.
The decision to cancel the home insulation scheme mark 2 was presented by Greg Combet as sensible, responsible and absolutely logical. It wasn’t presented as anything by Kevin who was hiding in Tasmania.
The decision to cancel the promised development of childcare centres at schools was presented by Kate Ellis as courageous and responsible. She had apparently discovered that single drops for children are better than double drops because of the unpredictable bounce.
Kevin was still in Tasmania probably trying to figure out whether David Bartlett is a single or a double dropkick.
There is the strong possibility of a certain cynicism that the more attractive a government’s promise the more courage, responsibility and integrity they can claim for reneging on it.
The reason for Kevin’s incredibly courageous and completely logical decision to drop the ETS was the Inconvenient Truth that it could lose him the next election.
The public could be excused a certain cynicism about Julia still waxing lyrical about the BER when it was blindingly obvious to everyone else that million dollar COLAs were as abundant as star players at the Melbourne Storm.
Having exhausted their stimulus credibility on homes, schools and hospitals there is an expectation that the government will turn its attention to brothels. Covered outside bonking areas (COBAs) could breathe some daylight into an industry sadly in need of a BER (Building the Erotic Revolution).
If the government are interested Friday Mash can certainly provide further illumination. They should understand however that while we are satirical and even ecumenical we are never cynical.
Tags: BER, Building the Education Revolution, Building the Erotic Revolution, childcare, COLA, cynicism, David Bartlett, election promises, ETS, Fuel Watch, Greg Combet, Grocery Watch, ICJ, Inconvenient Truth, International Court of Justice, Japanese whaling, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Kate Ellis, Kevin Rudd, Labor Government, Melbourne Storm, Tasmania
Posted in Weekly Mash | No Comments »
Zero Nero
It is rumoured that the Bushfire Inquiry has discovered why Christine Nixon dined while Victoria burned. She doesn’t know how to play the fiddle.
The End of The Affair
Some commentators believe that Kristina’s honeymoon with the NSW public ended with the F3 motorway debacle. Others believe it was more of a dirty weekend.
A Surgical Strike
Kevin’s hospitals plan is a major operation to give the premiers a bypass and take out their GST.
Sick Leave
Obama brushed Kevin in February because of his healthcare plan and Kevin recently brushed Obama’s Nuclear Security Summit because of his hospitals plan. They seem to have a healthy disregard for one another.
Horseplay
Kevin said wild horses wouldn’t drag more hospital funding out of him but a Brumby did.
Out of Character
Obama claimed Kevin is a humble person just like him. He also claimed that Malcolm Turnbull has an inferiority complex.
The Big Bang Theory
Wouldn’t it be great to catch Kevin, Wayne, Julia, Anna Bligh and Kristina together all wearing hard hats? Then you could bang all their heads together.
Women Who Live in Glasshouses
Business consultants believe that the home insulation scheme will make it more difficult for women to break through glass ceilings.
Tags: Anna Bligh, Barack Obama, Bushfire Inquiry, Christine Nixon, F3 motorway, GST, GST revenue, healthcare plan, home insulation scheme, hospital plan, hospitals, Julia Gillard, Kristina Keneally, Malcolm Turnbull, Nuclear Security Summit, Wayne Swan
Posted in Carbon Emissions | 9 Comments »
Talking Points for Labour Politicians
Week Commencing 25th April 2010
1. Home Insulation Scheme
Try to take the heat out of this subject by reassurances that Greg Combet is doing a great job cooling things down. But don’t go overboard on Greg because Kevin wants to take most of the credit.
Reinforce the point that the scheme was part of the Governments stimulus package which has kept the country in jobs apart from the home insulation industry.
Peter Garrett continues to enhance his reputation as a first-class minister by banning Chinese coal ships from doing tourist class tours round the Barrier Reef.
The government has now taken a courageous decision to shut the scheme down. The incredible job we’re doing re-insulating the homes we’ve already insulated means we’re running out of stimulus. This development in no way detracts from the brilliant achievements of this ground-breaking initiative. It simply means that all the families who have had their homes insulated wont have to worry any more and those that haven’t wont have to worry in case they do.
2. BER
The Deputy Prime Minister is puzzled by the intense criticism of Building the Education Revolution. She claims that all the school buildings completed so far are just like the Opera House; curvy roofs and built for a song.
The Inquiry team are already hard at work and the rumour that they will receive a five per cent fee on all COLAs is being investigated.
Julia is spending a tremendous amount of time touring schools and is absolutely ecstatic at the success of the programme. She wears a hard hat not because she fears a COLA roof falling on her head but rather because Kevin doesn’t want to be the only one who looks like a goose on television.
3. ETS
Try to avoid talking about the ETS and Penny Wong. She is currently suffering from chronic Copenhagen withdrawal symptoms and is still paying off the hotel bills for the one hundred and fourteen Aussie delegates. That’s why Kevin can’t afford to go overseas at the moment.
4. Tony Abbott Sledge of the Week
He’s fallen off his bike once too often when he wasn’t wearing a helmet.
5. Joe Hockey Sledge of the Week
If he lost weight he might have a slim chance of becoming leader of the opposition.
6. The Hospitals Plan
The agreement to the hospitals plan is historic, a monumental achievement by Kevin, the biggest reform in centuries and the most significant event in the sector since Tony Abbott ripped out one billion dollars.
Above all this is a personal triumph for Kevin, the jewel in the crown of his first term and a huge advantage for working families and other people as well.
Colin Barrett, the premier of WA thought the plan was absolutely brilliant but couldn’t agree to it because he’s the political stooge of Tony Abbott. Kevin is determined to resolve this impasse through constructive negotiation even if it means WA hospitals are forced to operate in carparks.
It is a tribute to Kevin’s supreme negotiating skills that the premiers agreed to accept bucketfuls of money and to run the hospitals themselves because the federal government’s too busy cleaning up the BER and the home insulation scheme. What’s more he persuaded the premiers to hand over thirty percent of their GST revenue so he could place it in a pool where they will be absolutely swimming in it.
There is absolutely no truth in the rumour that John Brumby only agreed to the plan after he was threatened with major surgery to take out his GST and that Kristina’s agreement was secured only after she was threatened with a Tripodi-Obeid plot to replace her with Frank Sartor.
The assertion from Tony Abbott, who by the way ripped one billion dollars out of hospitals when he was health minister, that the plan simply adds another level of bureaucracy is absolutely false. The extra bureaucrats are an addition to the existing layer whose role is to prevent hospital operations becoming too bureaucratic.
And let’s not forget the patients. This plan will guarantee them world’s best practice hospital care. For example a patient who turns up at an emergency department having just had a heart attack and been run over by a bus will only have to wait a maximum of four hours.
Tags: BER, Building the Education Revolution, Chinese coal ships, COLA, Colin Barrett, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, Frank Sartor, Greg Combet, GST revenue, home insulation scheme, hospital plan, hospitals, Joe Hockey, John Brumby, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, KRudd, Penny Wong, Peter Garrett, stimulus package, Tony Abbott
Posted in Politics, Weekly Mash | 2 Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
16th April 2010
Dear Mr President,
I’m not even going to talk about the Eels. Fancy losing at home to Canberra. Neville had to take a day off on Tuesday suffering hypertension surplus syndrome.
As you know Julia’s such a lovely woman and you know me, I don’t like to criticise, but I can’t help feeling her BER’s another big stuff-up.
I think she means well but she’s a bit headstrong if you know what I mean. She’s minister for everything and then she comes up with Building the Education Revolution which is miraculously going to save Australia from the global financial crisis and save our kids from schools built by pommie convicts.
For months Julia’s been saying that the BER is the biggest thing since Malcolm’s ego and how dare the media criticise it because she’s taken the trouble to tell them that it has saved hundreds of thousands of jobs and saved our kids from illiteracy and uncovered outdoor learning areas and who cares about one or two little rip-offs because that’s life and her auditors will be on to them.
Suddenly things have changed. The whiff of rorting has become a real stink. Apparently everyone’s been getting in for their chop especially the state governments. It seems rorting the BER has become bigger than rorting the home insulation scheme. And most of the school buildings which cost squillions look like they’ve been nailed together by Neville after he came home pissed one night.
So about a year too late Julia’s set up an Inquiry because her rigorous auditing system has either been rorted or needs auditing. The Inquiry’s costing fourteen million. Can you believe that? I could have told Julia what’s wrong for the cost of a gin and tonic, a Chinese takeaway and a lager.
I think in future Kevin should apologise and set up an Inquiry in advance of doing anything. Now would probably be the right time for his hospitals plan.
Kevin’s developed a great strategy to keep asylum seekers in detention centres rather than letting them into the country. As I said to Marge the other day I’m sure this is the start of a plan to build up the Tamil Tiger population on Christmas Island before giving it to them as their homeland. The place is becoming far too expensive for us to keep running it.
The World Affairs Think Tank met on Tuesday to discuss the Fiji situation again. We’ve all got holidays booked there this year and Frank Bainimarama’s going raving mad again and censoring the press.
We decided we’d still go because we’ve paid the deposits and don’t like Bali. But we’ve written to Frank requesting a chat to tell him that if he doesn’t get off the kava and do something sensible we’re going to Vanuatu next year and he can stick his Fiji Bitter up his cyclone alley.
As I said to Neville this is the sort of desperate mindset a country can get into when it realises its only friend is New Zealand.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: asylum seekers, Bali, BER, Building the Education Revolution, Canberra Raiders, Christmas Island, detention centres, Eels, Fiji, GFC, global financial crisis, hospital plan, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, New Zealand, Tamil Tiger
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Latest Friday Mash polling has produced some compelling insights into the standing of Aussie political leaders amongst the electorate.
.5% preferred Kevin as prime minister, .4% preferred Tony and 99.1% preferred ‘other’. In fact Kevin went down sixty points because of a marked trend amongst the electorate towards preferring the other. Tony went up .1% owing to a statistical error.
People smugglers came out strongly for Kevin because he’s much better for business. Asylum seekers favoured Tony because they perceived that when it came to getting the support of the Aussie community he was in much the same boat.
They also thought Tony would be a better lifesaver if their boat sank but were interested in a game of deck quoits with Kevin on the voyage across from Indonesia.
95% of respondents expressed the strong view that Kevin should spend more time abroad. This result may heave been unduly skewed by multiple responses in the affirmative from his staff and his parliamentary colleagues especially Julia.
In response to the question ‘who would you prefer to instruct your daughter about sex?’ there was an overwhelming vote in favour of Kevin because he’s all talk and no action.
Tony was seen as a sex symbol amongst nuns and triathlon groupies. Kevin’s image varied between neutral and neutered although he turns on Tin Tin fans.
Kevin scored very heavily in response to the question ‘who would you trust to keep the home fires burning?’ but Tony was equally favoured in response to ‘who would you trust to keep a roof over your head?’
Kevin was strongly supported by building contractors specialising in schools and hospitals. Parents were ambivalent. Whilst they were pleased that Covered Outside Learning Areas prevented their kids from burning they realised that as taxpayers they were getting burned instead.
Women are appreciative of Tony’s post-natal policy for salary support but are pissed off by his view that they shouldn’t have a pre-natal choice of whether to qualify for it or not.
Kevin was strongly preferred as saviour of the world from global warming and the global financial crisis but Tony, as living proof that a celibate Abbott is an oxymoron, was thought to be a better bet for saving it from catholic priests.
Kevin was more popular amongst people like Poms who do everything with their clothes on while nudists are confident that Tony will be Australia’s first topless prime minister.
Kevin is rated favourite to become Australian’s first president while Tony’ intimate experiences with budgies is seen to put him ahead of Charles in the King of Australia pecking order.
Competition between Kevin and Tony is expected to intensify now there’s no Malcolm in the middle.
Tags: Add new tag, asylum seekers, Indonesia, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, nudists, people smugglers, Prince Charles, Tin Tin, Tony Abbott
Posted in Politics, Weekly Mash | No Comments »
This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on the wall of the Prime Minister’s office in Canberra where he was meeting with the Deputy Prime Minister to discuss the BER. This was an assignment fraught with mortal danger because Kevin always keeps a can of Mortein in his office. Guy has just filed this exclusive report.
‘I find it absolutely incredible’ said Kevin ‘that the BER has saved Australia from going into recession yet all we get is criticism’
‘I know’ said Julia ‘I’m spending all my time looking into complaints about building rorts and rip-offs. There’s one here about a Covered Outside Learning Area costing two hundred and fifty thousand dollars’
‘That’s cheap’ said Kevin ‘what’s the problem?’
‘It doesn’t have a cover’ said Julia
‘Well Julia’ said Kevin ‘you’re doing all the right things. First you strongly denied there were any problems, then you blamed the media for distorting the facts and when that didn’t work you blamed John Howard and Tony Abbott’
‘But we’ve blamed them so often’ said Julia ‘that they can’t be trusted to help us any more’
‘Ok’ said Kevin ‘the next stage is to hold audits and inquiries and blame the shonky rorting builders and then if things really look bad I’ll have to apologise and bring in Greg Combet to clear up the mess’
‘What about me?’ asked Julia
‘No problem’ said Kevin ‘first I’ll call you a first-class minister then I’ll fire you so you can start work on the Covered Outside Treatment Areas for hospitals’
‘But Kevin’ said Julia ‘there are thousands of school halls, libraries and COLAs bearing plaques with my name on’
‘That could be a problem’ said Kevin ‘but as soon as Greg’s sorted the whole thing out I’ll replace them with plaques bearing my name. By the way where has all the money gone?’
‘Well’ said Julia ‘its gone in fees. The local state government gets a fee for agreeing to the plan and not blaming us if things go wrong, the building contractors get a project management fee, Lara Bingle’s agent gets a fee for not circulating photos of her naked in a school shower, the earthquake prevention society gets a fee, the building unions get a fee for not striking and the banks get a fee because they get a fee on everything’
‘Well there’s no sign of rorting there’ said Kevin
‘I guarantee that no COLA will cost more than a school’ said Julia ‘not even a rum and COLA’
‘What’s this about a million dollars for a school hall’ asked Kevin ‘for a school that’s only got two students?’
‘It’s in a Labor seat’ explained Julia ‘the budget has been spent liberally in Labor seats but you’ll have to labor to find anything in Liberal seats. All they’re getting are Uncovered Outside Learning Areas.
‘So’ said Kevin ‘when are we going to see the full effects of your Education Revolution?’
‘When the militant teachers union storm the federal parliament building’ said Julia ‘and take over the government’
‘That will teach them a lesson’ said Kevin
Tags: earthquake prevention, education revolution, Greg Combet, Guy the Fly, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Labor Party, Lara Bingle, Liberals, Prime Minister
Posted in Fly on the Wall | 1 Comment »
The volume of Labor Party invective against Tony Abbott has been most impressive.
In the past month they’ve labelled him a financial illiterate, a shameless hypocrite, a policy loose cannon, a health budget vandal, a poor man’s John Howard, a resident nutter, a homophobe, an enemy of women, sex obsessed, the worst-ever Minister of Health, a religious zealot, an irresponsible legislation blocker, a neo-liberal extremist, a dinosaur, a climate anarchist, a person unfit to be prime minister, a work choices threat to working families and, horror of horrors, the new Mark Latham.
Such a comprehensive deluge of abuse doesn’t happen without intensive development and planning and the Labor Party are to be congratulated on designing and sustaining such a tremendous tirade.
Tony also deserves congratulations on becoming the most vilified-ever politician and surpassing the record achieved by Malcolm at the height of the Utegate affair. What’s more this exercise has revealed him as possessing all of the mandatory qualities needed to become prime minister.
It was disappointing however that while Labor’s assault had many admirable qualities it was sadly lacking in wit and style.
It contained nothing in the same class as Paul Keating’s immortal words ‘all tip and no iceberg’, ‘feral abacus’ and ’24 carat pissant’.
Source: AAP
And who could forget the sheer resonance of Mark Latham’s nuanced ‘conga line of suckholes’, ‘arselickers’ and ‘skanky ho’.
Labor should have taken the trouble to finesse their Tony trashing with phrases like ‘a budgie in search of a smuggler’, ‘two miracles short of a sainthood’ and ‘a bishop short of a choirboy sex scandal’.
So far Tony’s ripostes to Kevin have also disappointed. ‘Liar’, ‘all hat and no cowboy’ and ‘Dr Death’ are hardly destined for folklore status. “Parliamentary anaethetist’ in the hospitals debate showed a bit of promise.
Arguably the most intriguing aspect of all this political badinage is the readiness of Kevin, Wayne and Anthony Albanese, of all people, to trash Mark Latham.
Only a few years ago Julia thought he was a larrikin with the bold vision to lead Labor into the twenty-first century and Kevin was equally as effusive. They were unequivocal in spending millions to sell Mark to the Australian electorate as a true water-walker.
Can it possibly be that they have changed their mind? Are we now to understand he was in truth a bigger disaster than the home insulation scheme and an apology will follow in due course?
The Labor Party might well remember that it was the electorate who sussed him out first.
Both Malcolm and Tony have been branded Latham reincarnations by Labor. In addition Tony is apparently a ‘poor man’s John Howard’. This is particularly impressive. A Howard-Latham combination would make a formidable prime minister.
It is interesting to speculate how long it will be before a Coalition leader who is all spin and no wickets will be labelled by Labor as the new Kevin.
Paul Keating memorably referred to John Howard as ‘the greatest job and investment destroyer since the bubonic plague’. Sadly that sort of thing doesn’t seem to be catching.
Tags: Anthony Albanese, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Labor Party, Malcolm Turnbull, Mark Latham, Paul Keating, sex scandal, Tony Abbott, Utegate, Wayne Swan
Posted in Politics, Weekly Mash | 3 Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
25th March 2010
Dear Mr President,
We’re so proud of you here at the Club. I’ve always said that if there’s one thing Americans need its healthcare. All those hot dogs and hamburgers can’t be good for you.
The world’s first Obama Fan Club had a wonderful healthcare celebration party this week. I dressed as a nurse as a bit of a giggle but it really turned Neville on and I gave everyone a tin of bandaids as a momento.
We’ve got over the disappointment of not seeing you this month and look forward to your visit in June. You won’t believe what we’re planning for you. Actually it was my idea. We’re going to invite you to a Tea Party. Don’t panic, here’s the genius bit. We plan to hold it at the former HQ of the Australian Democrats. Unfortunately they became extinct but I know you’ll appreciate the symbolism.
The trip to Aussie will give you the opportunity to relax and forget about health insurance and abortions even those which are two thousand seven hundred pages long.
I was shocked beyond words the other night when I heard what that guy said about Kevin on Lateline. For reference see: http://www.abc.net.au/reslib/201003/r534578_3064633.asx
As you know I’ve always regarded Kevin as a fair dinkum trustworthy Prime Minister who is firm but fair, someone in charge you can really rely on to do the right thing by working families.
This Kroger chap, who’s obviously a Liberal, said Kevin was contemptuous of his staff and colleagues, abusive, difficult to get along with, rude, friendless and an all-round pain in the perpendicular. What’s more he claimed that Julia of all people was ready to knife him for his job.
I’ve been waiting for all his staff and colleagues to flood radio and television with outrage, rebuttals and protestations of undying love. So far nothing’s happened but I’m quietly confident someone will get their arm twisted soon.
As I said to Marge on Monday could it possibly be that I’m wrong about this great man, this 07 heaven which has brought me such hope and inspiration. Actually I wouldn’t mind so such about the swearing, I occasionally lapse myself, or about being abusive to his mates; the thing that worries me most is that he hasn’t got any mates.
It’s a big shock suddenly to be confronted with the possibility that your hero is a monster. I always thought the reason he got a bit grumpy was that he’s had Malcolm and Tony for breakfast so many times he suffers from chronic indigestion.
Marge said that if he was as popular in the electorate as he was in parliament his approval rating would be even lower than Malcolm’s.
She thinks he should spend some time at a four-letter-word addiction clinic. I thought that was a f—ing stupid idea.
Relief at last. Kevin was masterful in the hospitals debate with Tony Abbott last Tuesday. I don’t know exactly where he inserted his scalpel but at the end of the debate Tony was totally knackered.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: abortion, Australian Democrats, Barack Obama, insurance, Julia Gillard, Kevin 07, Kevin Rudd, Kevin07, Lateline, Malcolm Turnbull, Michael Kroger, Obama Healthcare, Obamacare, Tony Abbott
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 2 Comments »
This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly landed on a wall in the Prime Minister’s Canberra office just in time to catch his conversation with Greg Combet on salvaging the Home Insulation Scheme. We have just received his exclusive report.
‘I’m surrounded by idiots’ said Kevin ‘what was I supposed to do, go out and insulate all those bloody homes myself?’
‘Of course not Kevin’ said Greg ‘you’re far too good at running the country’
‘I know’ said Kevin ‘but where on earth can I find people I can rely on as much as me? I’ve said the buck for all this insulation business stops at me but it doesn’t stay with me. I’ve passed it partly on to Peter Garrett and I’ve brought you in so I can pass on the rest’
‘I appreciate the opportunity’ said Greg
‘Tell me’ said Kevin ‘what’s your plan for the fifty thousand homes that could catch fire at any minute?’
‘Wind power’ said Greg ‘So they can avoid switching on the mains electricity I need a billion or so to buy fifty thousand windmills’
‘Brilliant’ said Kevin ‘then we’d only need fifty thousand urinals and then they’d have piss and wind power. I’m talking insulation not more stimulation’
‘But what about immolation?’ asked Greg
‘That’s just escalation’ said Kevin ‘and we’ve got to stop self-flagellation and blame the installation’
‘That’s difficult’ said Greg ‘the installers have all insulated themselves by claiming they were acting on instructions from you and Peter’
‘Well I’m obviously not to blame’ said Kevin ‘Peter got a bit carried away. You know what those environmentalists are like. What about the installers who claimed money from us but didn’t install anything?’
‘No problem’ said Greg ‘they didn’t cause a single fire’
‘Well who’s going to sort out the fifty thousand homes at risk?’ asked Kevin ‘don’t tell me it’s going to the pinheads who did the installation’
‘It’s a no-brainer’ said Greg ‘it’s got to be the installers we paid but didn’t do any installations because they’re the only ones we haven’t had any complaints about. If we tell them to repeat what they did the first time round there wont be any complaints whatsoever the second time’
‘Inspired thinking’ said Kevin ‘I’m just so relieved that none of this mess is my fault. By the way how much extra will it cost to sort out the mess?’
‘About a billion’ said Greg
‘What’ said Kevin ‘that’s almost as much as Tony Abbott is trying to waste on paid maternity leave. The electorate will think I’ve gone totally batts’
‘Look at it this way Kevin’ said Greg ‘there are over nine hundred thousand insulated homes for which you can take all the credit’
‘That’s right’ said Kevin ‘I could come out of this looking like the saviour of the nation. I’ve saved on the heating bills for those nine hundred thousand odd homes, I’m about to save fifty thousand homes from the threat of fire, I’ve saved Peter Garrett’s ass and I’ve saved millions of homes from shonky installers’
‘Are you going to save me?’ asked Greg
‘Of course not’ said Kevin ‘you’re just here to save me. Your job is to insulate my ass from being kicked by Newspoll, Tony or Julia.
Tags: environmentalists, Greg Combet, home insulation scheme, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, KRudd, Newspoll, paid maternity leave, Peter Garrett, self-flagellation, Tony Abbott, Wind power
Posted in Fly on the Wall | 1 Comment »
Loading ...