Posts Tagged ‘Kevin Rudd’
Methinks they doth protest too much
Kevin and Wayne are constantly crapping on about how they saved us from the global financial crisis. Much more of it and people will start getting nostalgic for the GFC.
She’s Not Wong
Penny was right. All that carbon in the Gulf of Mexico is causing sea levels to rise.
Kevin Alert
The banks have a dwindling finite resource owned by all Australians, money, and they continue to mine it. Surely that will qualify them for a super profits tax.
Going Out With a Bang
The next mining boom will be the super profits tax blowing up in Kevin’s face.
A Pointless Exercise
Political strategists believe the Labor Party have as much chance of winning the Penrith by-election as Melbourne Storm have of winning the 2010 premiership.
Nipping them in the Bud
Kevin is trying to insulate the whales against Japanese harpoons. Perhaps he should cover them with all the pink batts that are surplus to requirements.
The Worst of British
The Gulf of Mexico faux pas has probably cruelled BP’s chances of ever drilling near the Barrier Reef.
Driving Without Due Care and Attention
The federal government’s advertising campaign claims that the super profits tax will ‘drive growth and investment in the mining industry’. Of course it will, overseas.
Tags: BP oil leak, GFC, global financial crisis, government advertising, Gulf of Mexico, home insulation scheme, Japanese whaling, Kevin Rudd, mining tax, oil spill, Penny Wong, pink batts, super profits tax, Wayne Swan
Posted in Carbon Emissions | 2 Comments »
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly managed to land on a wall at the location of a recent meeting between prominent people smugglers in Indonesia. He has just sent in this exclusive report.
‘It’s an absolute outrage’ said Kris ‘Tony Abbott’s new policy could put us out of business’
‘I know’ said Gus ‘what’s more it’s inhumane. He’s proposing to send our boats back here when most of them are scarcely seaworthy enough to make it to Christmas Island let alone make a return trip’
‘The Australian Government is a joke’ said Andi ‘We can’t afford to send the asylum seekers in decent boats because they conviscate them all. If they allowed us to do return trips we could afford to use boats with passenger lounges and put on a catering service’
‘It’s difficult to understand their mindset’ said Gus ‘they have this population expansion policy so they need immigrants but we get dumped on for making it happen’
‘Well’ said Kris ‘I hope they understand they’re in danger of losing their status as the world’s number one asylum seeker destination. It’s almost as difficult working with Rudd as it would be with Abbott’
‘We’ll have to think about sailing to a different asylum’ said Andi
‘How about New Zealand?’
‘Good heavens’ said Andi ‘I know we can be pretty ruthless bastards but we’re not that bad’
‘If only the Australian Government would get out of the way said Kris ‘we’ve got enough punters in the supply line to repopulate Darwin’
‘It’s ironic’ said Gus ‘that the Aussies are going on about the wonderful cultural diversity asylum seekers bring to the joint yet they’re sending the Federal Police over here to hunt us down like we’re criminals’
‘I can’t believe it’ said Andi ‘you would think we’d be in line for a United Nations humanitarian award for all the great work we do helping persecuted people find a sanctuary. I must say there are days when I feel quite humanitarian’
‘And the Aussies criticise us for charging the asylum seekers too much’ said Gus ‘ Do they think we are running a bloody benevolent society?’
‘Is there any chance Abbott will get elected?’ asked Kris
‘There’s a chance’ said Andi ‘so we’ve got to get some contingency plans together because we might go back to the inhumane days of that ghastly John Howard. How about if we start a selection process and only accept genuine refugees?’
‘’That wouldn’t impress Abbott’ said Kris ‘he doesn’t believe there is such a thing as genuine refugees. I’m thinking of using a submarine which only surfaces when it gets to Christmas Island’
‘The problem is’ said Gus ‘that the bastard Aussies would conviscate it just like any planes we sent over. All we would be doing is restocking their navy and air force for nothing’
‘Let’s buy the Tampa’ said Kris
‘Don’t be stupid’ said Gus ‘that would be a sure way to get Abbott elected’
‘I’ve got it’ said Andi ‘let’s offer to pay the Aussie Government a super profits tax’
‘Don’t be ridiculous’ said Gus ‘not even the mining companies can afford to pay that’
Tags: asylum seekers, Christmas Island, Guy the Fly, Indonesia, John Howard, Kevin Rudd, New Zealand, people smugglers, refugee, repopulate Darwin, super profits tax, Tampa, Tony Abbott, United Nations
Posted in Fly on the Wall | 1 Comment »
Canberra Report by Dick Head
Elections Can Be Harmful to Your Health
There are already signs of mental stress right across the Australian community as the realisation takes hold that no matter how you vote at the upcoming federal election it will result in either Kevin Rudd or Tony Abbott becoming prime minister.
And as if that awful reality is not enough it will be preceded by an excruciatingly mind-numbing election campaign lasting six weeks.
Mental health experts are extremely concerned about the potential of this sudden barrage of political bullshit and badinage to cause people to go absolutely barking.
In order to lessen the impact they recommend a pre-conditioning treatment which consists of listening to recordings of Kevin and Barnaby Joyce trying to explain the super profits tax. Anyone surviving just one week of this treatment is guaranteed immunity from election insanity.
Further they recommend that the public should look on the bright side and take heart from the fact this election holds no prospect of Malcolm Turnbull, Wayne Swan, Bob Brown, Julie Bishop, Penny Wong or Peter Garrett becoming prime minister.
Julia’s prospects depend on the relative job performance of Kevin as prime minister and Barry Hall as full forward for the Western Bulldogs. As Barry is clearly outperforming Kevin at the moment she seems much more likely to get the PM gig than spearhead the Dogs.
The electorate should be mindful of the dangers of using election promises as the basis for their vote. They have as much validity as a Pom opener promising to make a century before he goes out to bat in an Ashes Test.
Kevin’s track record of delivering on election promises is conservatively appalling. He may be too embarrassed to make any at the next election. Nevertheless voters should be aware of his propensity for promises like Christmas Island land rights for asylum seekers and green jobs for miners made redundant by the super profits tax.
A promise by Tony to get rid of Kevin however could be his most powerful electoral asset.
The likelihood that he will promise to use pedal power on a new budget cycle when he’s in the saddle could cause voters merely to view him as a saddle-sore pain in the arse.
Undoubtedly one of the key objectives of the next election will be to prevent a group of strange green senators from Tasmania causing legislative pollution in the federal parliament.
It’s a scandal that there is no provision in Kevin’s hospitals plan for special centres to treat mental illness caused by election campaigns. Reading this column is still the only accredited treatment.
Have you seen a Kristina?
Political commentators believe that the only chance the NSW Labor Government has of winning the Penrith by-election is a daily striptease by Kristina in the town centre.
So far voters are shattered that Kristina is going nowhere near the place and they’re getting a daily dose of Barry O’Farrell instead, thankfully with his clothes on.
In a wonderful humanitarian gesture the Liberal Party is preparing to offer free psychiatric treatment to anyone intending to vote Labor.
Dick Head is almost fully recovered from the last federal election.
Tags: asylum seekers, Barnaby Joyce, Barry Hall, Barry O’Farrell, Bob Brown, Christmas Island, Dick Head, election promises, hospitals, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, Liberal Party, Malcolm Turnbull, mental health, mining tax, NSW Labor Government, Penny Wong, Peter Garrett, super profits tax, Tasmania, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan, Western Bulldogs
Posted in Canberra correspondent - Dick Head, Election Sanity | No Comments »
The End of the Affair
Perhaps it’s only the doctrine of the separation of powers which deters the Catholic Church and the NSW State Government from getting together in an almighty sex scandal.
Get Smart
Julie Bishop has been criticised for endangering all the ASIO agents carrying fake Israeli passports.
Shopper’s Choice
Peter’s of Kensington is in the retail business while Ken’s of Kensington is in the male order business.
Trouble in Spades
Unfortunately Kevin and Wayne’s plans for a super profits tax from the mining industry weren’t shovel ready.
A Wee Problem
The school toilet blocks developed by Julia’s BER programme are so small they can only accommodate a number one and a number one and a half.
Staying out of Traffic
The major diversion in David Campbell’s life was obviously not on the F3.
Not so Fast
David Borger the new NSW Roads Minister has a long list of speeding offences. The latest is his announcement that there will be no new roads in Sydney for twenty years. Well that’s one way to stop him speeding.
The Bad Oil
BP has found a new way to distribute its oil round Louisiana and Florida. It keeps coming in waves.
Tags: ASIO, BER, BP, BP oil leak, Catholic Church, David Borger, David Campbell, F3, fake Israeli passports, Florida, Julia Gillard, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd, Louisiana, no new roads in Sydney, NSW Roads Minister, NSW State Government, Peter’s of Kensington, political sex scandal, sex scandal, super profits tax, Wayne Swan
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
28th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I’m terribly worried abut Wayne. He’s come up with this budget which all depends on gouging squillions out of the mining industry and I think he’s totally stuffed it.
This Hooray Henry bloke did a review of the Aussie Tax System and comes up with a hundred and thirty odd recommendations to reduce the number of taxes and one to introduce a new one. And so what do you think Wayne does? You’ve guessed it. He ignores the one hundred and thirty odd recommendations but introduces the new tax.
Even Tony Abbott could see that was asking for trouble let alone Blind Freddie.
Wayne is promising to do all sorts of wonderful things on corporate tax and super and save us from debt with money he hasn’t got and doesn’t look like getting. It’s like me promising to buy Neville a brewery from my winnings when the Eels win the premiership in September.
I can’t believe dear Kevin agreed to all this. He must have been smoking something.
Believe me I’m not a fan of the mining companies, but if Wayne carries on with this super profits thing they’ll soon be exporting themselves rather than iron ore.
Then a crack will appear in Wayne’s bottom line and he’ll start crapping over all of us.
I think Kevin and Wayne are actually trying to kibosh Western Australia because they’ve got a state Liberal Government who won’t cough a third of their GST to Kevin for hospitals. They’re worried that if they don’t slow down the mining industry over there the WA economy will soon be bigger than the rest of Australia.
The threat of the new mining tax has sent the Aussie dollar plunging. Wayne has single-handedly already increased the cost of our Fiji holiday by ten percent. I feel like sending him the bill.
Then he has the absolute gall to say that his super profits tax will be good for the mining industry because it will slow things down. I mean doesn’t the clown understand it will also slow his super tax receipts down? I think Wayne’s losing it.
I’ve written a letter to Kevin suggesting that Wayne should have some time off to export himself to China.
We discussed the super profits tax at the Obama Fan Club this week. Marge who is an even bigger Kevin supporter than I am thinks that Wayne’s doing all this because he goes on holiday to Noosa and the falling dollar doesn’t affect him.
Mavis’ cousin works down a mine and says if Kevin is right and our minerals belong to all Australians why won’t they let him take home his share every night?
Albert thinks Wayne is a financial genius and compared with Albert he probably is.
I feel so strongly about it that I’ve also written to Kevin warning him that a super profits tax will put an end to super profits. Although I must say that if Twiggy Forrest’s bank balance becomes as slim as that other Twiggy it won’t fuss me too much.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, China, falling Australian dollar, Gaelene Woo, GST, Henry Tax Review, hospitals, Kevin Rudd, Liberal Government, mining tax, Obama Fan Club, super profits tax, Tony Abbott, Twiggy Forrest, Wayne Swan
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
There’s a hint of something sinister in the air in Canberra. Politicians have been doing even weirder things than usual.
First the ghostly Godwin Grech spooked Malcolm, then Kevin contracted compulsive backflip disorder, Tony has let Kerry O’Brien make an honest dishonest man of him and now Wayne is trying to convert the mining industry into an extension of the Tax Department.
Friday Mash’s confidential investigative sources in Canberra believe they’re on to something. They are possibly uncovering evidence that senior female federal ministers have formed a witches’ coven and are hatching sinister plots. Could it be that Julia Gillard, Nicola Roxon and Penny Wong have decided to stir the pot and weave their malicious magic?
Penny obviously blames Tony for her post fatal depression over the ETS. Nicola must be sick and tired of trailing Kevin round hospitals like a mid-wife in case he gave birth to something or had to abort another promise. All three are Tonyphobic because he’s against abortions and they believe Kevin should be able to have one whenever he wants.
But above all Kevin’s sent them stir crazy because they all thought he was full of promise and he’s turned out to be merely full of himself. Wayne’s now taking credit for everything and has to be stopped before Visa and American Express cancel his cards.
Rumour hath it that wicked spells abound.
Double, double, toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
Government sources are still not worried. They have been saying for months that Kevin needs a spell. But if he’s gone off the boil the cauldron certainly hasn’t.
When shall we three meet again
In thunder, lightning or in rain
These wild chants echoing around Canberra are starting to get people worried. It has been confirmed that there have been no current productions of Macbeth in the city. Someone suggested they might be coming from a group concerned about climate change.
Round about the cauldron go
In the poisoned entrails throw
There is no clear indication of the nature of these poisoned entrails but a watch is being kept at hospitals to check whether John Howard has his appendix or his gall bladder removed.
Eye of newt and toe of frog
Wool of bat and tongue of dog
Throwing in batts wool is really going to add insulation fuel to the fire.
Canberra is rife with rumours. Is Julie Bishop under a spell or does she always look like that? Will Bronwyn emerge in the terrifying image of Lady Macbeth and act as though she’s married to Kevin?
Are Julia, Nicola and Penny even now shrieking the hideous chants and casting the diabolical spells which will render Kevin ready for a tap on the shoulder from Julia’s broomstick?
Fair is foul and foul is fair
Hover through the fog and filthy air
Lead on MacDuff. Someone’s got to find a way through all those carbon emissions.
Tags: American Express, ATO, Bronwyn Bishop, Carbon Emissions, Climate Change, ETS, Godwin Grech, home insulation scheme, hospitals, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Julie Bishop, Kerry O’Brien, Kevin Rudd, Lady Macbeth, MacDuff, Malcolm Turnbull, mining tax, Nicola Roxon, Penny Wong, Roger Pugh, super profits tax, Tony Abbott, Visa, Wayne Swan
Posted in Weekly Mash | 2 Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
21st May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
You’re not going to believe this. Kevin’s approval ratings are going down faster than Neville’s first can of VB. I’m worried that by the time you visit him next month he wont have any left.
How people can turn against this hero who rescued us from the global financial crisis goodness only knows. It would be like Parra supporters razzing Jarryd Hayne after he destroyed the Manly silvertails last Monday.
I don’t know about you but sometimes I can’t decide whether to believe these polls or not. They were obviously spot on when they showed Kevin’s numbers going through the roof faster than an insulation fire but now nothing seems to have changed and suddenly he’s on the nose everywhere.
Well the Obama Fan Club has had enough of this nonsense. We decided to set the record straight with our own poll.
We polled fifty people representative of a broad cross section of our community at Beauthaven RSL, Parra Leagues and the Obama Fan Club. The results will absolutely gobsmack you.
On the question of preferred prime minister there were forty votes for Kevin, eight for Julia, one for our Mavis’ Bert and none for Tony. One guy voted for Fuifui Moimoi but we declared it invalid.
I’m not yet sure about Julia because she’s a bit on the left side for me. Wonderful woman though. And I have to admit that communism seems to be more fashionable these days but you’d know all about that.
The next question was ‘do you approve of Kevin’s hospitals policy or Tony’s non-policy?’ The result was forty-nine to one in favour of Kevin. The person who voted for Tony suffers Chronic Kevin Syndrome. Every time he hears Kevin speak he loses touch with reality and has to be rushed to a funny farm.
Then we asked ‘are you in favour of Kevin’s super profits tax topping up your super?’ There were only two votes against from guys who are miners. I wont tell you where they said Kevin could stick his super profits tax but even mining companies who dig deep into the bowels of the earth wouldn’t be keen to dig it out from there.
Our next question ‘how would you rate Kevin’s handling of the home insulation scheme, inspiring, brilliant or competent’ (tick one)’ met with a most unfortunate response. We didn’t pursue it after a woman at Parra Leagues whose roof had caught fire yelled out that Kevin couldn’t organise a product trial in a condom factory.
The response to ‘how do you rate Julia’s handling of the BER programme?’ was also disappointing. Our local school in Beauthaven was promised a COLA but it turned out to be a covered outside lavatory area. I had to admit that’s hardly the way to put bums on seats.
Finally we asked ‘if there was a federal election tomorrow, who would you vote for?’ Two said Labor, one said the Coalition and forty-seven said they’d need more time to make up their mind.
So our poll proved conclusively that the polls in the papers have got it all wrong about Kevin. I’ll send him a copy of our results to give him a bit of encouragement.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: BER, COLA, Eels, Gaelene Woo, global financial crisis, healthcare reform, home insulation scheme, hospitals, Jarryd Hayne, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Newspoll, super profits tax
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 2 Comments »
For some time Friday Mash has perceived that politicians have a serious communication problem. Political rhetoric is becoming increasingly detached from reality.
Some argue it is unreasonable to expect politicians to tell the truth when it could cost them votes or their job. Others are concerned that politicians could lose all credibility if they become totally disconnected from the bleedin’ obvious.
For example Julia sees the building of an education revolution while the public sees revoltingly overpriced and undersized school buildings.
NoSpin Doctors is yet another political public service from Friday Mash. We have assembled a team with world class expertise in derevolutionising spin and getting to the truth of the matter. Their first assignment is to help you understand what Kevin might have said about the ETS if he wasn’t a prime political spinner.
Here is their NoSpin version.
“Climate change was very effective in helping me win the 07 election and also in identifying me as a world-class statesman and future Secretary General of the United Nations.
I called climate change ‘The greatest moral challenge of our generation’ because that was the best slogan the spin doctors could come up with and it made me sound really committed.
There’s no doubt that Malcolm Turnbull is an all-time bombastic pompous twit but it was great to have him onside in the ETS debate.
I became convinced that the ETS was an absolute no-brainer because it raised tons of taxes, needed a whole new level of bureaucracy and reduced the Coalition to a heap of carbon-emiting ashes.
Everything was proceeding brilliantly until that prime pain in the arse Tony Abbott rolled Malcolm and the ETS went down the tubes together with my chances of being the star of the Copenhagen Conference.
I acknowledge that Penny and I exaggerated the consequences of not passing the ETS legislation through the Parliament before Copenhagen. I’m sure people understood that bushfires, droughts and raging seas would not actually engulf Australia before Christmas but I was apprehensive that if I went to Copenhagen without an ETS no-one would take any notice of me. At least I got that right.
In retrospect I have to admit that Tony was right about not rushing ahead with the ETS before Copenhagen and of course the Coalition was quite right to throw it out in the Senate.
If it had passed Australia would be lumbered with a massive tax on everything and be hopelessly uncompetitive in world markets. I only wish I’d heeded Tony’s advice sooner.
My decision to abandon the ETS and a few other difficult projects has caused my poll numbers to drop. But I do not shrink from the tough decisions needed to axe projects resulting from my stupid decisions in the first place.
Yes it’s true the ETS is a massive tax on everything and Penny and I were less than frank about its true impacts, but I think it’s a bit rich that from Beijing to London and right across Australia I am now being subjected to an outbreak of global cooling.”
Tags: BER, Building the Education Revolution, Climate Change, Climate Change Conference, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, global cooling, global warming, greatest moral challenge of our generation, Julia Gillard, Kevin 07, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Penny Wong, Political rhetoric, Roger Pugh, Tony Abbott, United Nations
Posted in Weekly Mash | 1 Comment »
In the Nick of Time
For major political parties seeking to form a government these days it seems to be either a case of Nick Clegg, Nick McKim or Nick Off.
Coming Full Circle
Jessica Watson spent seven months ending up back where she started. Unfortunately it seems to be taking Kevin a lot longer.
Economic Minefield
Financial commentators believe that Wayne’s budget will have roughly the same effect on the mining industry as the global financial crisis.
Ain’t That The Truth
If Tony Abbott says he’s going to re-introduce WorkChoices the Labor Party and the unions will believe him. If he says he’s not going to re-introduce WorkChoices they won’t believe him. So it really doesn’t matter whether he tells the truth or not.
Mining Your Own Business
Iron ore miners are very concerned that Kevin has gone into the steal business.
Barry Hall for Prime Minister
Julia Gillard claims she’s got more chance of becoming a full forward at the Western Bulldogs than prime minister. That’s what they used to say about Kevin and he was hopeless at sport as well.
Shouldn’t be Sniffed at
Personal hygiene experts have warned it will take more than a deodorant to solve Kevin’s pits problem.
The Gold Crush
If the mining industry is the goose that lays the golden egg will Wayne be the Swan that cracks it?
Own Goal
The game of Hockey was a loss for the Opposition because they hadn’t budgeted for it.
Tags: Barry Hall, global financial crisis, Jessica Watson, Joe Hockey, Kevin Rudd, Nick Clegg, Nick McKim, super profits tax, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan, Western Bulldogs, WorkChoices
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
The Eyes Have It
Winning the cricket world cup in the West Indies requires 20/20 vision.
The Inside Story
The media is describing Kevin as a hollow man. Its being a political time bomb that makes him tick.
Low Expectations
The worst rationale for Kevin’s tanking poll numbers comes from Lindsay Tanner who said ‘it’s only natural that polls go down sometimes’.
Disproportional Representation
It pays to come third in UK and Tasmanian elections. You get to choose the government.
A Miner Detail
If Kevin digs many more holes for himself he’ll soon have to start paying super profits tax.
Strategic Operations
Kevin has recently visited forty-five hospitals in a campaign to change policy on elective surgery. He wants polling day operations to be strictly reserved for Liberal voters.
Wagging
Julia says she’s learning as she goes about the BER programme. She’s obviously spending too much time in parliament and not enough in schools.
Short of Breath
Kevin’s image is badly in need of oxygen. His current performance is two lungs short of breathtaking.
Tags: BER, cricket world cup, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Lindsay Tanner, Newspoll, super profits tax, Tasmanian Election, UK election, West Indies
Posted in Carbon Emissions | 2 Comments »
Loading ...