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Aint That The Truth - Friday, May 28th, 2010

The Friday Mash team of NoSpin Doctors have had a particularly challenging week. They have been desperately trying to identify what Tony Abbott would have said had he been totally honest about his dishonesty.

Spurred on by an unswerving dedication to bring the inspiration of truth to a bewildered public they finally arrived at a summary of what they believe Tony would like to say were he free from the shackles of spin and political subterfuge.

“I’ve always had the reputation as a straight shooter who tells the truth.” Goodness knows how that happened.

The spin doctors have taught me to ‘um’ and ‘ah’ a lot. This gives me time when answering a question to decide whether to answer a different one, make a policy statement, prevaricate, procrastinate, or in very rare instances tell the truth as long as it doesn’t set a precedent.

Contrary to popular opinion politicians are never dishonest except for most of the Labor Party. Politicians however are prone to mis-speak, suffer political amnesia, become disingenuous or recite disingenuous mis-speak sent out by the spin doctors.

If I’m asked a question like ‘Do you think Barnaby Joyce was a good choice as Finance Minister?’ the obvious answer is ‘no, he was absolute crap’. But obviously I can’t say that because it would piss off Barnaby and the Nationals, give the Labor Party a free kick and make me look like an absolute twit for appointing him.

So I spin an answer like ‘Barnaby was selected from a huge selection of first-class candidates for a specific short-term assignment. He performed brilliantly, made Lindsay Tanner look like an absolute goose and was moved to a regional portfolio more suited to his talents’. Everybody recognises that its spin and I get brownie points for showing new-age sensitivity and not dumping the stupid ratbag.

When I admitted that sometimes I don’t tell the truth I was astonished by the reaction. No-one thought I was spinning or mis-speaking as usual and everyone dumped on me for telling the truth. Well if that’s the reaction I don’t know why I bother to be so truthful.

Julia had the cheek to call me Phony Tony. If she tells many more porkies her nose will soon be as long as Pinocchio’s. Next she’ll be telling us that all the BER stuff was built at cost price It would be a waste of time to give her a lie-detector test. She’s needs a truth detector.

I’m sure you noticed they didn’t roll out Kevin to call me Phony Tony. The only truthful thing he’s said since he came to office was ‘Malcolm’s not fit to be prime minister.

Despite the setbacks I shall continue my quest to encourage honesty in the political process and in a few months I’ll confess to being occasionally dishonest again just to check whether other politicians are honest enough not to believe me.

On the other hand I’ll have to be careful not to push this honesty thing too far. The Australian Democrats ran on the slogan ‘Keeping the Bastards Honest’ and look what happened to them.

Just a further thought. Why did everybody kick up such a fuss when I confessed I don’t tell the truth sometimes? Everybody knew that already”.

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Gordon’s Last Stand - Monday, May 10th, 2010

election-sanity-masthead_sml

tori-banger_smlUK Report by Tori Banger

Gordon’s Last Stand

The UK election result puts the country on course for government chaos similar to Tasmania.

Once they got a sniff of government the Tasmanian Greens moved to tackle problem gambling. If they get a governmental guernsey the first thing the Lib Dems will try to do is reform the UK voting system, which is a particularly insidious form of problem gambling.

It was a shock that the final election results confirmed a hung parliament. Although the campaign was enough to bore anyone to death it was hardly a hanging offence.

In an astonishing first for British democracy voters were turned away from election stations at the end of the day. Authorities obviously didn’t want the election to become an even bigger disaster.

Gordon Brown has decided he’s not going to be turfed out of No. 10 by a relatively piffling setback like losing an election. In the event he becomes prime minister David Cameron could leave him there as a perennial misfit and run the country from somewhere else.

Many commentators admire the pigheaded obduracy which not only drove Gordon to take the UK to the brink but still drives him to push it over.

Voters went off the Lib Dems after they discovered that most of their candidates were not Nick Clegg clones but the same old left-wing loonies that used to be in the Labor Party and the Greens.

David Cameron’s push for No. 10 seems to have come up short at No. 9.

Most voters are aghast at the election result. They are almost certainly faced with the prospect of the Lib Dems in some sort of government and having to endure another election within a year. There’s actually a chance that Gordon Brown could stay on as prime minister which would be a nice touch of electoral irony given that he’s never going to be voted into the job.

At this point there seems imminent danger of the UK being flushed down the same toilet as Greece. However the British public should be reassured in the knowledge that the country has maintained a much higher standard of plumbing than the Greeks.

The Bigoted Grandmas Party led by Gillian Duffy have told the Queen they’re ready to form government. They claim the support of all the old bigots in the House of Lords and seem to have a reasonable chance given that the Queen is reportedly very bigoted against Gordon, David and Nick.

Meanwhile David and Nick continue to talk and Gordon continues as prime minister. This could go on for years with no-one having a mandate to govern.

Who knows? It might work. It could even turn out to be the Westminster System Mark II.

Tori Banger is very Conservative when it comes to political affairs

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Death and Taxes - Thursday, May 6th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

7th May 2010

Dear Mr. President,

You know how much I love Kevin but I can’t help feeling a bit shitty with him this week.

If there’s one thing Neville and I hate more than the Eels being beaten by Manly its doing tax returns. They’re such a damned nuisance and if you make a mistake the Tax Office treats you like a Manly supporter at Parramatta Stadium.

So when Kevin and Wayne got some Hooray Henry to do a review of the tax system ‘Hoo-bloody-ray’ I thought. He’s bound to find that we’re spending far too much time on being government tax agents and they’re nicking far too much tax off us.

Would you believe Hooray Henry made one hundred and thirty-eight recommendations to change the tax system and Kevin’s activated two.

I’m outraged. Not a single word of apology from anyone about taking up too much of our time filling in GSTs and BASs and taking too much tax off us, nor a word of thanks for all the thousands Neville and I have contributed over the years.

And I’ll tell you what really gets my goat. There was diddly-squat about checking whether the government wasting all that tax money. I hope they haven’t squandered my taxes on the crappy COLAs, batts and the ETS.

I used to think that Kevin wore a hard hat in case something fell on him at a building site but it’s just dawned on me that its because people are throwing stuff at him.

I’m so disappointed. I almost think the best thing Kevin could do for working families is bugger off. I’m sorry, I know I get carried away and I’ll probably love Kevin again next week because sure as hell I’ll never vote for that Tony Abbott.

And then if there wasn’t enough bad news this week Malcolm’s changed his mind about retiring. I must say however that I enjoyed his time as leader of the Coalition because Kevin hit record poll numbers as preferred prime minister.

But just imagine what it would be like if Tony became prime minister. They could shut the parliament in Canberra because his government would operate like the Tour de France.

If Julia’s got a Field Marshal’s baton in her knapsack now might be the time to dust it off and start conducting a few overtures to her Labor Party colleagues.

We didn’t have World Affairs Think Tank session this week because Mildred, who was supposed to organise it, went off for a dirty weekend with a St George supporter. That’s the only sort of weekend you can expect from that mob.

Sorry to hear about your oil problem. Our Mavis’ Bert knows a guy who works at BP but he didn’t think he could help.

Till next week.

Gaelene Woo
President

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Building the Education Rorts - Thursday, April 8th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on the wall of the Prime Minister’s office in Canberra where he was meeting with the Deputy Prime Minister to discuss the BER. This was an assignment fraught with mortal danger because Kevin always keeps a can of Mortein in his office. Guy has just filed this exclusive report.

‘I find it absolutely incredible’ said Kevin ‘that the BER has saved Australia from going into recession yet all we get is criticism’

‘I know’ said Julia ‘I’m spending all my time looking into complaints about building rorts and rip-offs. There’s one here about a Covered Outside Learning Area costing two hundred and fifty thousand dollars’

‘That’s cheap’ said Kevin ‘what’s the problem?’

‘It doesn’t have a cover’ said Julia

‘Well Julia’ said Kevin ‘you’re doing all the right things. First you strongly denied there were any problems, then you blamed the media for distorting the facts and when that didn’t work you blamed John Howard and Tony Abbott’

‘But we’ve blamed them so often’ said Julia ‘that they can’t be trusted to help us any more’

‘Ok’ said Kevin ‘the next stage is to hold audits and inquiries and blame the shonky rorting builders and then if things really look bad I’ll have to apologise and bring in Greg Combet to clear up the mess’

‘What about me?’ asked Julia

‘No problem’ said Kevin ‘first I’ll call you a first-class minister then I’ll fire you so you can start work on the Covered Outside Treatment Areas for hospitals’

‘But Kevin’ said Julia ‘there are thousands of school halls, libraries and COLAs bearing plaques with my name on’

‘That could be a problem’ said Kevin ‘but as soon as Greg’s sorted the whole thing out I’ll replace them with plaques bearing my name. By the way where has all the money gone?’

‘Well’ said Julia ‘its gone in fees. The local state government gets a fee for agreeing to the plan and not blaming us if things go wrong, the building contractors get a project management fee, Lara Bingle’s agent gets a fee for not circulating photos of her naked in a school shower, the earthquake prevention society gets a fee, the building unions get a fee for not striking and the banks get a fee because they get a fee on everything’

‘Well there’s no sign of rorting there’ said Kevin

‘I guarantee that no COLA will cost more than a school’ said Julia ‘not even a rum and COLA’

‘What’s this about a million dollars for a school hall’ asked Kevin ‘for a school that’s only got two students?’

‘It’s in a Labor seat’ explained Julia ‘the budget has been spent liberally in Labor seats but you’ll have to labor to find anything in Liberal seats. All they’re getting are Uncovered Outside Learning Areas.

‘So’ said Kevin ‘when are we going to see the full effects of your Education Revolution?’

‘When the militant teachers union storm the federal parliament building’ said Julia ‘and take over the government’

‘That will teach them a lesson’ said Kevin

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The South Australian Election Great Interest in Michelle Chantelois’ Seat - Thursday, March 25th, 2010

election-sanity-masthead_sml

dick-head_smlCanberra Report by Dick Head

The South Australian Election

Great Interest in Michelle Chantelois’ Seat

Michelle Chantelois was the central figure in this gripping election.  Voters were obviously disappointed that Mike Rann failed to score with her despite her insistence that he had.

The premier claimed he’d only had a flirty relationship with the electorate but they were sure they’d been screwed.

The Labor Party  scraped back in with a strong performance in the marginals but if Michelle had led the Liberals instead of Isobel Redmond it would have been a landslide.  Her seat certainly isn’t marginal.

The Tasmanian Election

A Well Hung Parliament

For security reasons we have to keep a bit quiet about elections in Tasmania.  We don’t want to scare away tourists or foreign investment.

The Labor Government deserves to be turfed out because it has demonstrated time and again it couldn’t organise pedophilia in a catholic seminary.

The final election result wont be available for a few months because they haven’t been able to find anyone in Hobart who can count fast enough.

There is some concern that the Greens could become stronger in Tasmania and then start infecting Canberra.  The gravest danger facing Australia is green senators from Tasmania inflicting their screwy ideas on the whole country.

Meanwhile Tasmania is heading towards a hung parliament which isn’t good for anything except a bit of gallows humour.

Dick Head is resting after writing these reports

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Posted in Canberra correspondent - Dick Head, Election Sanity | 1 Comment »

Latham in the Aisles - Thursday, March 25th, 2010

The volume of Labor Party invective against Tony Abbott has been most impressive.

In the past month they’ve labelled him a financial illiterate, a shameless hypocrite, a policy loose cannon, a health budget vandal, a poor man’s John Howard, a resident nutter, a homophobe, an enemy of women, sex obsessed, the worst-ever Minister of Health, a religious zealot, an irresponsible legislation blocker, a neo-liberal extremist, a dinosaur, a climate anarchist, a person unfit to be prime minister, a work choices threat to working families and, horror of horrors, the new Mark Latham.

Such a comprehensive deluge of abuse doesn’t happen without intensive development and planning and the Labor Party are to be congratulated on designing and sustaining such a tremendous tirade.

Tony also deserves congratulations on becoming the most vilified-ever politician and surpassing the record achieved by Malcolm at the height of the Utegate affair. What’s more this exercise has revealed him as possessing all of the mandatory qualities needed to become prime minister.

It was disappointing however that while Labor’s assault had many admirable qualities it was sadly lacking in wit and style.

It contained nothing in the same class as Paul Keating’s immortal words ‘all tip and no iceberg’, ‘feral abacus’ and ’24 carat pissant’.

Source: AAP

Source: AAP

And who could forget the sheer resonance of Mark Latham’s nuanced ‘conga line of suckholes’, ‘arselickers’ and ‘skanky ho’.

Labor should have taken the trouble to finesse their Tony trashing with phrases like ‘a budgie in search of a smuggler’, ‘two miracles short of a sainthood’ and ‘a bishop short of a choirboy sex scandal’.

So far Tony’s ripostes to Kevin have also disappointed. ‘Liar’, ‘all hat and no cowboy’ and ‘Dr Death’ are hardly destined for folklore status. “Parliamentary anaethetist’ in the hospitals debate showed a bit of promise.

Arguably the most intriguing aspect of all this political badinage is the readiness of Kevin, Wayne and Anthony Albanese, of all people, to trash Mark Latham.

Only a few years ago Julia thought he was a larrikin with the bold vision to lead Labor into the twenty-first century and Kevin was equally as effusive. They were unequivocal in spending millions to sell Mark to the Australian electorate as a true water-walker.

Can it possibly be that they have changed their mind? Are we now to understand he was in truth a bigger disaster than the home insulation scheme and an apology will follow in due course?

The Labor Party might well remember that it was the electorate who sussed him out first.

Both Malcolm and Tony have been branded Latham reincarnations by Labor. In addition Tony is apparently a ‘poor man’s John Howard’. This is particularly impressive. A Howard-Latham combination would make a formidable prime minister.

It is interesting to speculate how long it will be before a Coalition leader who is all spin and no wickets will be labelled by Labor as the new Kevin.

Paul Keating memorably referred to John Howard as ‘the greatest job and investment destroyer since the bubonic plague’. Sadly that sort of thing doesn’t seem to be catching.

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Kevin: Our model leader - Thursday, January 7th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

8th January 2010

Dear Mr President,

I hope you and the family had a beaut time in Hawaii and are enjoying a preposterous New Year.

Neville and I went to watch the fireworks at Sydney Harbour on New Year’s Eve and I’m very pleased to report that crowd behaviour was much improved on last year and Neville wasn’t even moved along by the police let alone arrested.

Things in Australia have been pretty quiet since Copenhagen went up in smoke. Kevin’s hardly said a word and poor old Penny Wong’s been wheeled out to do the disaster relief. What a pity you couldn’t get to the Copenhagen shindig earlier to give Kevin a bit more wind power.

Now as you know I’m not a racist and we even have an Obama Fan Club member whose mother came from Vietnam, but I must say I was very proud of what Kevin said about immigrants the other day. You can read it below and I recommend you include it in your State of the Union address but don’t forget to substitute the US where it says Australia.

It was Peter Garrett’s turn this week to call Tony Abbott a sceptic, a disgrace and a neanderthal and I can quite understand that. But I do wish the Labor Party would stop ranting on about the ETS being the only way to save us from hell and damnation. They sound like our local vicar. If the ETS gets rejected a third time perhaps Kevin will take Holy Orders and try the power of prayer. I think he’d look lovely in a dog collar.

The Obama Fan Club has made an exciting New Year’s Resolution. We have decided that each week the Club will analyse a truly vital issue in world affairs and send you our conclusions in the weekly newsletter. I knew you’d be rapt because it’s going to be such a powerhouse of great ideas both for you and Hillary.

The issue we dug our teeth into this week was ‘Should Aussies go to Fiji for a holiday while Frank Brontemarina’s undemocratic mob are still in power?’

I was gobsmacked by the sheer intellectual impact we generated. The evening was sponsored by Fred’s Fiji Fantasy Fly-Aways who gave us free fried rice for two at the Nadi Chinese as a raffle prize.

Mildred opened the session by saying we should take no notice of Frank and just book our holidays as usual because if we don’t Treasure Island will go bust with or without him.

Marge thought we should go to Bali instead because she’d heard the terrorists there were democratically elected.

Hilda thought we should still go to Fiji but protest by painting anti-Frank slogans on our bodies and demonstrating naked on a beach. Neville thought that was a bigger threat to Fiji’s tourism than Frank.

I summed up the meeting expertly be saying that Aussies should only go to Fiji if we pay rock bottom packaged holiday prices in August and only drink Aussie beer instead of Fiji Bitter. That way we minimise the ready that Frank can get his hands on.

Brilliant don’t you think and if Al Gore’s right about sea levels Frank will soon have trouble keeping his head above water.

Don’t forget to pass this on to Hillary.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

Whole world Needs A Leader Like This!

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd – Australia

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

Separately, Rudd angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation’s mosques. Quote:

‘IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians. ‘

‘This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom’

‘We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society. Learn the language!’

‘Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.’

‘We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.’

‘This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, ‘THE RIGHT TO LEAVE‘.’

‘If you aren’t happy here then LEAVE. We didn’t force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.’

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Obama receives Obama Fan Club’s Man of the Year award - Thursday, December 10th, 2009

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

11th December 2009

Dear Mr President,

I was so inspired by the Obama Fan Club meeting last Tuesday.

I am absolutely thrilled to tell you that you won our prestigious Man of the Year award. You polled fourteen votes, Kevin and Hillary got two each and Fred Hasking who married Mildred’s daughter got one. Anyone who is brave enough to take her on deserves a bit of recognition.

Congratulations. We’re sending off the official certificate today so you can tell your PR people that it’s ok to release the news to the worldwide media.

The main reason you got so many votes is that you’re the only national leader in history to send thirty thousand troops to war and receive the Nobel Peace Award all in the same month.

The Obama Fan Club committee have asked me to say they’re delighted that you have the honour of being the first recipient of the Man of the Year award but don’t expect it again next year because hopefully Kevin will do something half-decent at last. They recommend that the certificate should be placed next to the Nobel Peace Award in the Oval Office and could you please send us a photo of yourself standing beside them.

I was going to come over and present the certificate to you personally but it’s my son’s cricket final next week and I knew you’d understand.

Malcolm’s very narky about being chucked out as leader of the federal opposition. He thinks Tony Abbott’s climate change policy is like his budgie smugglers, a cover for not much at all really. Oh I’m being awful again.

Tony’s brought Bronwyn Bishop and Philip Ruddock back into the shadow cabinet, so there will be one or two retirement home vacancies.

You know me, I always vote Labor but I’m having second thoughts about the next state election. The Labor Party has thrown Nathan Rees out of the premier’s job and given it to Kristina somebody or other who comes from Ohio would you believe. Now as you know I’ve got nothing against Americans and she seems a reasonably decent sort but this was like you throwing out that Blago guy who was Governor of Illinois and appointing Malcolm Turnbull in his place. Not many people in Illinois would be keen on Malcolm. Come to think of it not many down here are keen on him either.

I quite liked Nathan. I know he was a garbo and all that but he did try to get rid of the rubbish. Unfortunately the rubbish got rid of him.

I can’t understand those women throwing themselves at Tiger Woods. When I was an alluring twenty something I never got in a scrum with league players, I was always not out overnight with cricketers and I never went for a drive with golfers. I only had one lapse when I had it away with a soccer player and at home as well if I remember correctly.

Have a lovely trip to Oslo to pick up your gong and also to Copenhagen to help Kevin save the world. Could you please not do anything drastic about global warming until after February because I’m really enjoying the summer.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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One Year Anniversary of your Presidency - Friday, November 6th, 2009

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

6th November 2009

Dear Mr President,

One year ago this week since you were elected President. Congratulations.

Who would have thought that after such a short time you would be the toast of the world and have a fan club in Sydney Australia.

I’m even more excited about your prospects for next year when you actually start doing a few things.

I’ve just had such a shock. According to the latest Newspoll the Labor Party has dropped seven percentage points and they are now running neck and neck with the Coalition.

Kevin’s such a wonderful inspiration just like you and I can’t bear the thought of him being less popular than Malcolm.

Mind you I have to say that his recent rantings about asylum seekers have been like a madwoman’s midlife crisis. And as for the ETS he reckons we’ve got a choice between drowning and being burnt to death or losing our jobs and paying zillions more for electricity and everything. Drowning is beginning to look like the best option.

I was so worried I immediately called a meeting of the policy specialists in the Obama Fan Club. I hope you don’t mind the Club spending the time to help Kevin get his polling back up but if we don‘t act you could be dealing with Malcolm and he’s like a cross between Admedinnerdad and Sorenosey.

First of all we decided that he should immediately drop the Indonesian Solution for asylum seekers. His government has issued travel advisories for years warning people not to go to Indonesia yet he has sent the asylum seekers back there. It would be more humane to send them to North Korea or Somalia.

Next we came up with a masterstroke. Actually it was my idea.

Kevin should adopt the People Smugglers Solution. I’m amazed it hasn’t already occurred to him. We believe he should immediately fly out to Indonesia and negotiate with the people smugglers. After all they’re the ones who have been causing all the problems.

He should offer not to seize their vessels and arrest their crews on condition that they start using safe boats which don’t sink and employ crews with some idea where Christmas Island is. Further they should publish a return-trip schedule to Christmas Island, so the detention centre knows what to expect and when and how many extra port-a-loos they’re going to need.

If the people smugglers prove they can manage the timetables efficiently Kevin might offer them the contract to run state rail in NSW. Only kidding.

Stop press. The Fijians have thrown the Australian High Commissioner out of their country. They have appointed some Sri Lankans as judges in Suva and are nicked off that Australia has banned them from com ing here. Quite right too. They could be asylum seekers in disguise.

I sent our asylum seeker recommendations to Kevin on Wednesday. I haven’t heard back yet but he’ll probably phone over the weekend.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo,
President

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