Posts Tagged ‘Labour Party’
Street Wear
When he’s out promoting school hall building programmes Kevin wears a hard hat and he wears surgeon’s gear when he’s talking up his hospitals plan. What on earth will he wear to announce his policy for brothels?
Swearing Out Ceremony
There is a move in California to legislate against foul language. This is indicative that the State Treasury is only slightly more bankrupt than Californian English.
Blocker
The Labor Government wheeled out Stephen Conroy, Jennie Macklin, Penny Wong, Lindsay Tanner and Nicola Roxon for a media conference to moan about Tony Abbott blocking things. These are the architects of the disastrous Telstra plan, the laughable Aboriginal Housing Scheme, the ETS, the debt and deficit and the half-baked hospitals plan. Keep up the good work Tony.
Welcome to the Asylum
News that Yudhoyono is going to arrest people smugglers opens up the prospect of a real earner for the federal government. They could offer asylum seekers a cruise from Indonesia to Christmas Island on the Oceanic Viking for only five thousand dollars. This is less than the people smugglers charge, would earn unstinted praise from Amnesty International and could encourage Hyatt Hotels to build a decent pad on Christmas Island.
Travelling by Tube
It was disappointing to hear that Lara’s engagement ring had gone down the toilet especially, as now seems likely, she was wearing it at the time.
Unsuitable Treatment
It turned really frosty in Sydney when Kevin dropped in to talk to Kristina about hospitals. This was obviously another disastrous effect of climate change.
Non-Stop Motoring
Experts advise that you should only engage cruise control on Toyota vehicles if you’re low on petrol and on a long trip down a straight motorway.
Obama Drama
It looks like Obama wont be coming to Australia until his healthcare bill has been passed. He’s blaming Tony Abbott for blocking it in the Senate.
Tags: Aboriginal Housing Scheme, Amnesty International, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, Climate Change, ETS, Health, healthcare, healthcare bill, hospitals, Hyatt Hotels, Indonesia, Jennie Macklin, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, KRudd, Labor Government, Labour Party, Lara Bingle, Lindsay Tanner, Nicola Roxon, Oceanic Viking, Penny Wong, people smugglers, Peter Costello, Stephen Conroy, Telstra, Tony Abbott, Toyota, Yudhoyono
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
TO ALL STAFF,
RE: PRIME MINISTER’S OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
The prime minister has requested that his views on the standards of decorum be observed at this year’s office Christmas Party be conveyed to all staff.
He is determined that this year’s Christmas celebrations shall not be marred by the same indiscretions which have been a feature of previous office parties.
All staff must remain in the party room during the prime minister’s Christmas address. There has been a growing trend to perceive this as an opportunity for a smoko or a toilet break.
Whilst he certainly has no aversion to demonstrations of festive affection from female staff the prime minister would be appreciative of this being somewhat more restrained. He regards french kissing as un-Australian.
Alcohol should be consumed in moderation and we certainly do not want a repeat of the drunken outburst at last year’s Christmas party when a staff member, who was gone by Christmas, accused the prime minister of being ‘the worst f…..g drinks waiter I have ever come across’
Alcopops will not be available at this year’s party. Recent tax hikes have made them unaffordable.
In line with the great traditions of this party fancy dress is optional but entry will be denied to anyone resembling Malcolm Turnbull, Barnaby Joyce, a suicide bomber or an RAAF flight attendant.
Extra security measures will be in place to prevent a repeat of last years intrusion by Liberal staffers dressed as asylum seekers.
Now to matters of some delicacy. It is recognised that at an event of this type an office romance can spontaneously blossom. The prime minister however urges the exercise of self-control to prevent a repeat of last year’s most regrettable impasse when a couple locked themselves inside the women’s toilet and women were obliged to use the men’s. It is not acceptable for people coming to prevent others going.
You will be sorry to learn that Joe Hockey has turned down an invitation to repeat his acclaimed role at the party as Father Christmas. Malcolm Turnbull was concerned he might be compromised by having to hand out Christmas stimulus packages but the critical factor could well have been the drunk last year who threw up in his sack.
Talking of stimulus there has been universal approval of the decision to hold this year’s party in a recently completed Julia Gillard memorial school hall. The deputy prime minister will drop in to give everyone her customary Christmas kiss but stern action will be taken against anyone trying to rush her off outside.
Finally the prime minister has asked me to tell you how much he is looking forward to celebrating the true spirit of Christmas with you all and to remind those who will be working after the party to be at their desks by 11.30pm.
Tags: ALP, asylum seekers, Christmas, Joe Hockey, Kevin Rudd, Labour Party, Malcolm Turnbull, Prime Minister
Posted in Politics, Weekly Mash | 1 Comment »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
16th October 2009
Dear Mr President,
I can’t tell you how thrilled we all are. Congratulations from the Obama Fan Club on your Nobel Peace Prize.
I couldn’t believe it when I opened the paper and people were actually saying that you didn’t deserve it. What a load of cobblers. It’s incredible that they can’t get it through their thick heads that George W started two wars, three if you count what he did to poor old Al Gore, and so far you haven’t even looked like starting one.
Neville raised an interesting point the other night. If you invade Iran will you have to hand the Peace Prize back?
And at our club meeting on Tuesday Marge asked another question which for the life of me I couldn’t answer. If you actually do something for peace like ending the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan will they give you another one?
I’m amazed that George W didn’t get the Nobel War Prize but perhaps you have to win one to qualify. Yes, I know, I can be really catty sometimes.
You’ll be pleased to know that at the last club meeting we had a session on China’s World Role in the 21st century. I started things off with a general sort of presentation. Neville’s grandad was half-chinese – that’s how I ended up with this surname in case you wondered – so I’ve taken a bit of interest in the place.
Neville, who can be a wag on occasions, reckons he won and Woo-ed me.
Anyway we came to the conclusion that China had a vital international role to play in the 21st century. First it had to make sure it buys enough iron ore and stuff from Australia to ensure we stay rich and prosperous. Next it has to maintain sufficient cash resources to lend you all the money you need.
We further concluded that China will have to be very careful not to squander too much money on themselves while not getting carried away by telling us what to do about the Dalai Lama and the Uighurs.
Mildred made some good points. She believes that China’s international reputation depends on them sending enough cooking talent around the world to keep up the standards in chinese restaurants. And she said it’s about time they invented some new dishes because she’s getting fed up with sweet and sour pork and chop suey. If McDonalds can do it so can they.
I’ve sent the minutes of the session to President Who and I also sent a copy to Hillary because I daresay she’ll be popping over there for a chat soon.
It’s all very exciting here about the ETS. Malcolm’s due to send his amendments to Kevin and Penny next week if the Coalition can agree on anything. I’ve always thought that Malcolm is a closet socialist who didn’t join the Labor Party because all his toffee mates would tell him to go and get nicked.
But even if he was in the Labor Party I don’t think he’s nice enough chap to be mates with Kevin.
Till next week.
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Al Gore, Barack Obama, China, Coalition, ETS, George Bush, George W Bush, Hillary Clinton, Kevin Rudd, Labour Party, Malcolm Turnbull, Noble Peace Prize, Obama Fan Club, Penny Wong
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
In an inspiring vote of confidence in the Liberal Party as many as seventeen hopefuls fronted for pre-selection as their candidate for the federal seat of Bradfield.
Admittedly it is the safest Liberal seat in the country but its still truly remarkable that seventeen apparently sane and talented people were prepared to risk rushing lemming-like towards the big drop in Liberal polling.
They probably weren’t aware that Mark Latham had stuffed the parliamentary pension, Kevin had just scythed twenty-five percent off parliamentary expenses and as far as the ETS is concerned Malcolm is more in agreement with Kevin than the Coalition.
It’s possible they hadn’t realised their time in Canberra could be characterised as Alice in Ruddland. There they would encounter the Tin Man, successor to the Man of Steel but of a very different mettle. Also Wilson, the Wicked Witch of The West, who is trying to persuade Malcolm to take a long spell.
They were surely aware of the long tedious hours in prospect listening to Kevin’s answers during question time. This is like listening to constant repetitions of the ABC’s weather forecasts, although, to be fair, the forecasts are more relevant answers to Malcolm’s questions.
It is unlikely they would know about secret assignments they may have to undertake to further the party’s interests. They could be asked to emulate the extraordinary pioneering work by Gareth Evans when he seduced a major political figure into defecting to the Labour Party.
Their assignment could even be someone like Julia. She doesn’t normally kiss Liberals but it is rumoured that she kissed Mark Latham so anything is possible. It would help if they were built like a school hall because that would certainly attract some stimulus.
They were all surely inspired by the political career of John Howard who will long be remembered by George W Bush, Peter Costello and the captain of the Tampa. He saved a grateful nation from Mark Latham and converted the country into an asylum which people all over the world are still seeking.
The previous Liberal candidate selected by Bradfield ended up being appointed by a Labor prime minister to a prime diplomatic post in Brussels. Given the current state of the Liberal Party the best hope for the new candidate is that Kevin will send him to Brussels before he has to declare whether he supports the ETS or not.
There is a fair chance that Paul Fletcher, the anointed one, will make it to Canberra given that Kevin has sussed that there’s as much chance of a Labor candidate winning the seat as Obama opening the 2016 Olympic Games.
As he sets out on this most honourable of careers he should reflect that although he may immediately be labelled an anonymous smart-arse he has a very popular seat.
Tags: ABC, Barack Obama, Brussels, Coalition, ETS, Gareth Evans, George W Bush, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Labour Party, Liberal Party, Malcolm Turnbull, Mark Latham, Olympic Games, Olympics, Paul Fletcher, Peter Costello, Ruddland, Tampa, weather, Wilson Tuckey
Posted in Politics, Weekly Mash | No Comments »
It’s a struggle for CEOs in the current business climate. Profit seems to be an ever more elusive goal and the federal government isn’t helping.
Julia wants workers paid more, Wayne doesn’t want them redundant, Kevin has run out of stimulus, customers wont pay a cent more than half-price and Penny is poised to plant a huge carbon footprint all over the bottom line.
The Federal Labor Government has many fine qualities but it wouldn’t get a pass in business studies. One of its outstanding assets is a remarkable pool of talent for running unions; in fact it is arguably more qualified to run a union than run the country.
Parliamentary insiders were hardly surprised therefore to hear mutterings in the members bar that the post neo-liberal way ahead for business should be the adoption of management techniques pioneered by the unions.
There is no question that in recent years the unions have been absolutely brilliant at explaining how successful they were at the same time as their membership was declining rapidly. They were also highly successful at explaining why organisations employing their members were an absolute disgrace despite the fact they were making record profits..
There are inestimable benefits for CEOs through managing things the union way. They could bring a whole new era to industrial relations by agreeing to union pay claims before they are made. And just think how thrilled shareholders would be when told their annual dividend was a donation to the Labor Party made on their behalf.
By converting employees to card-carrying members CEOs could effect huge savings in payroll tax payments and recruiting the right people would become so much easier with a three strikes and you’re in policy.
Of course no one is advocating that business should follow the union model to the letter. It would be utterly inappropriate to introduce ‘go-slow’s and ‘stop work meetings’ into management work practices where they’ve traditionally been called golf-days and lunch .
Once they had adopted the union model CEOs would find the incessant day to day pressures of driving sales and profits would evaporate. They would quickly learn how to live happily with debt and deficit and like Wayne become entirely relaxed about not being debt-free until 2022. Those who have lately come to regard their organisations as much like their wives would soon come to see them again as much more like their mistresses.
CEOs who embrace this revolutionary concept would be able to apply management techniques successfully proven through union best practice. Problems with difficult customers and suppliers could be expeditiously addressed through demonstrations and picketing outside their premises with verbal abuse and rioting ready to be deployed in cases of unacceptable provocation.
Arguably the most tantalising prospect for a CEO would be the opening up of the union succession programme to the federal ministry and even the PM’s office. All it takes is a bit of branch stacking and suddenly an ex-CEO has the power to change the course of a nation from work choices to fair work to fair redundancy.
With Kevin, Julia, Wayne, Penny and Sharan Burrow on their team the potential for CEOs would be mind-blowing. The only other thing they could possibly need is someone to advise on how to cope when the economy turns round and they are in danger of making a profit.
Tags: Business, Federal Government, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Labour Party, Penny Wong, Unions, Wayne Swan
Posted in Business | No Comments »
A Surplus of Deficits Or a Deficit of Surpluses
Never has the difference in budget strategy between the main political parties been so clearly defined. Labor does deficits, the Coalition does surpluses.
It is true that first time round Wayne produced a budget surplus. This was an unfortunate temporary glitch because it took him till his second budget to clear up the huge surplus mess left by John and Peter.
Labor’s policy is to avoid budget surpluses at all costs as they upset the unions too much. The unions hate them even more than company profits because they are usually wasted on paying off deficits.
Labor’s budget deficits however have made an outstanding contribution to Australian living standards. The party realises that infrastructure development and welfare reform are only affordable when you throw off the shackles of making a surplus and dive unrestrainedly into deficit.
The Coalition’s rigid focus on delivering surpluses means they can never afford to invest in roads, hospitals, pension increases, paid parental leave and sufficient overseas aid to guarantee Kevin a retirement gig at the United Nations.
Gough, Joan Kirner and Paul Keating all spent their way merrily into deficit secure in the knowledge that when they got kicked out for profligacy the Coalition would produce surpluses to pick up the tab.
Wayne’s legacy will be a different matter. Surpluses may not be enough to pay it off. The Coalition may have to take desperate measures to make up the shortfall by selling their bodies. Medibank Private and Telstra are arguably the most attractive they could offer.
If Kevin and Wayne are serious about getting out of debt and deficit they will adopt the Kennett doctrine. But don’t hold your breath. The unions believe the doctrine is the Taliban edition of work choices.
It was immensely reassuring to hear Wayne talk about the deficit as temporary, similar to the Sydney Harbour Bridge toll.
Japan has gone so deep into deficit they’re pioneered a breakthrough budget concept called deficit surplus. Now there’s an idea for Wayne. He might not be so coy about discussing the size of the budget deficit if he could present it as a surplus.
True to form the Coalition government in Western Australia has just declared a budget surplus. Kevin must be really pissed. It spoils his grand vision of leading an Australia totally united in a crusade of deficit nation building. He’ll probably try to fix things by sending WA the bill for Peter Garrett’s overseas junkets.
Life offers some pretty daunting possibilities at the moment. Wayne is threatening to drown us in debt, Malcolm is threatening to hang us out to dry on a lifeline of economic rationalism and Bob Brown is threatening us with tornadoes, soaring temperatures, plague and pestilence. Presumably that’s like living in Melbourne.
And another thing. If life wasn’t meant to be one long surplus how come there’s never a deficit of politicians?
Tags: Bob Brown, Business, Debt, Deficits, Gough Whitlam, Jeff Kennett, John Howard, Labour Party, Malcolm Turnbull, Paul Keating, Peter Costello, Peter Garrett, Surplus, Taliban, Unions, Wayne Swan
Posted in Business | No Comments »
There is a growing feeling amongst political punters that it’s time for the NSW Labor Government to do the unthinkable and put community before party. Failure to keep the power on is the final straw.
They have to understand there’s no shame in coming right out and admitting the job is beyond them, that they’re all victims of the peter principle. The sense of relief would be overwhelming not only for the people of NSW but also for a government in abject misery.
Resignation from office would be seen as an act of selflessness and statesmanship unparalleled in the annals of political history. Overnight members of the government would be transformed from no-hopers to heroes, forever revered in Labor Party folklore.
Many looming problems would instantly disappear. Insiders believe it is only a matter of time before the entire NSW cabinet is shown to have links to a Chinese restaurant. There are renewed threats of a mass NSW migration to a better life in Zimbabwe and there’s a real danger of Morris Iemma returning in triumph to oversee power privatisation.
After Carr, Iemma and Rees grave concerns abound over whom Sussex St. would come up with next. With Joe Tripodi out powerbroking again there’s the chance things could go horribly wrong and he could end up as premier.
This has been coming for some time. The minister cavorting round his office in underpants was a stark reminder that the government needed to get itself into gear. There’s even a real possibility that in order to impose a greater deterrent serious criminals will soon be sentenced to North Shore Hospital rather than Long Bay. Moreover a terrible sense of foreboding has gripped the community that the premier is about to make yet another major announcement about the North-West Metro.
It is fair to say that while a Coalition Government would be a relief there’s no great confidence they would do any better. The affable Barry would be a leading contender on the Biggest Loser but does he carry enough weight to be a big winner? And what on earth has happened to Pru?
This is all such a pity because Nathan is obviously a good bloke. But some people are born great, others achieve greatness while others like Nathan are dropped right in it.
Unfortunately the resignation of the government would prompt another turgid NSW election. The Labor Party would surely be so embarrassed by their performance in office that they wouldn’t have the gall to offer themselves for re-election, choosing instead to embark on a period of retreat and reflection. The Coalition should stagger across the line against the Greens, remnants of the Democrats and One Nation, Fred Nile and the Fill-in-the-harbour-and-make-it-a-carpark Party.
Meanwhile the good citizens of NSW are left to ponder whether we get the politicians we deserve or whether we get those, like John Robertson, whom the unions and Sussex St. impose upon us.
Tags: Barry O'Farrell, Biggest Loser, Bob Carr, Fred Nile, Joe Tripodi, Labour Party, Morris Iemma, Nathan Rees, North-West Metro, NSW Labour Government, Politics
Posted in Politics | 4 Comments »
Wall St responded immediately to Wayne’s 2009 budget by asking ‘who?’ and ‘where?’ Australia responded by hoping it was his swan song.
This budget was framed to fight the biggest depression in Australia since Howard and Costello. There was an encouraging first step in the 2050 plan to get the ageing population cost burden under control. Ultimately pensions will rise to one hundred thousand a year but you’ll only qualify for one if you live to be a hundred and three. The introduction of paid parental leave in 2011 is actually a cunning plan to reduce baby bonuses in 2010. And the budget will inevitably result in New Zealand becoming the preferred destination for boat people.
It was surprising that Wayne banged on about nation building in his budget speech. Someone should urgently take him aside to alert him to the fact the nation has already been built and all we need from him is a bit of economic plumbing to plug the leaks and ensure we don’t all go down the drain.
Wayne made no mention of working families in his speech so ending his enduring love affair and abandoning them to their fate. Rather he shrewdly concentrated on the growing number of dole-queuing families, don’t give-a-flying-fart families and perpetually-pissed-and-pregnantfamilies.
Those who expected Wayne to give John Howard a guernsey for the current economic problems were not disappointed; although to accuse him of unsustainable spending was like someone at an orgy questioning the morals of a casual affair.
Alcopops manufacturers expressed interest in sponsoring Wayne’s budget. Over the past year he has given them outstanding promotional support and they confidently expect the budget will prompt a whole new dimension in binge drinking.
If Wayne is so concerned about jobs it’s a wonder he doesn’t consult Kevin’s missus. She’s put more people into jobs than the rest of the federal Labor Party put together.
There must have been profound consideration given to the size of the deficit. Wayne finally decided it should be large enough to last until the next global financial crisis due in 2016. This would eliminate mistakes made during the Costello era when the budget was allowed to drift into surplus.
There’s probably no need to become unduly alarmed about Wayne’s budget.
No-one’s got a clue about what’s going to happen next in the global financial markets least of all Wayne. Based on his alcopops track record the senate wont pass his 2009 budget before 2011 by which time Barack Obama will hopefully have achieved sainthood by miraculously solving the current global financial crisis. Australia could then follow him into the promised land through a series of super stimulus budgets to become collectively known as the gospel according to Wayne.
Despite the fact that Wayne’s such a wise and wonderful human being, the thought of him rabbiting on in budget speeches for years to come about how he has reduced the size of the deficit or reduced the size of its increase by standing up for Australia is really too dire to contemplate. If Barack doesn’t deliver someone has to stop Wayne wallowing in deficits or we’ll start getting misty-eyed about Peter Costello. Perhaps Therese could get him a job running the Army Surplus stores.
Tags: Alcopops, Barack Obama, budget, Deficits, John Howard, Kevin Rudd, Labour Party, Peter Costello, Politics, Surplus, Wall Street, Wayne Swan
Posted in Politics | No Comments »
Television coverage of Kevin performing in parliament features an intriguing supporting cast comprising Julia Gillard, Anthony Albanese, Yvette D’Ath and Jodie Campbell.
Yvette and Jodie are on-camera with Kevin virtually the whole time as a sort of parliamentary backing group similar to the Supremes but without the vocals.
First impressions are that Yvette and Jodie have been selected for these roles because they won a parliamentary Labor Party beauty contest. Julia comes across well and was probably the runner-up but Anthony is there just to make Kevin look good.
Serious long term injury possible from whiplash caused from constantly nodding and shaking heads in agreement with Kevin Rudd's ramblings
Those of us with an unfathomable compulsion to endure Kevin’s televised parliamentary performances for longer than it takes to locate the channel-changer have noticed qualities in Yvette and Jodie suggesting they owe their television roles to more than just good looks. They are emerging as highly talented nodders and shakers, skills much prized in parliamentary debate.
When Kevin regales parliament with his triumph in rescuing working families from the perfidious work choices or when he explains how his government’s ETS can save the world from becoming a carbon catastrophe Yvette and Jodie immediately reinforce to the television audience the righteousness of his remarks through vigorous harmonised head nodding.
On the other hand when he berates the leader of the opposition for failing to understand the benefits of large budget deficits Yvette and Jodie fill our screens right on cue with censorious synchronised head shaking which underscores the astonishment that Malcolm could be so stupid.
The pair are very modest about their incredible talents and rarely speak out in parliament. It is only when Kevin is on his feet that they really stick their necks out.
Malcolm enjoys nothing like this formidable support from his backing group. Joe Hockey is useless at nodding and shaking because he hasn’t got the neck. During Malcolm’s right of reply speech Julie Bishop looked like she was nodding off.
Yvette and Jodie are almost at the stage where they can nod and shake their heads at the same time. This advanced technique will be invaluable when they can’t understand what Kevin’s raving on about and can’t tell where they should nod and where they should shake. By using the combined nod-shake technique in these circumstances they will never make the grave error of shaking where they should nod and really pissing Kevin off.
They are also developing the three hundred and sixty degree ‘wow’ head swivel which they want to have ready when Kevin makes a revelation of true genius. So there’s no hurry.
Kevin must surely appreciate the colour and impact Yvette and Jodie contribute to his televisual image. Some viewers believe that one is more effective than the other but most believe they are neck and neck.
There are rumours they have been offered huge sums to cross the chamber and apply their talents to the making of Malcolm. They already have a nodding acquaintance.
Tags: Joe Hockey, Julia Gillard, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd, Labour Party, Malcolm Turnbull, Politics
Posted in Politics | 2 Comments »
Loading ...