Posts Tagged ‘Malcolm Turnbull’
Voters Block
Many people have been writing in to ask if I know of a cure for Voters Block.
This is a serious electoral ailment which afflicts voters when they are faced with a choice between political parties you wouldn’t trust to power-broke a pisspot into a pub and can’t bring themselves to vote for any of them.
This condition is particularly serious in Australia because it can lead to a fifty dollar fine.
My advice to Australian voters suffering this mind-numbing affliction is to study closely the pronouncements of the party leaders. You’ll find that Julia is childless, Kevinless, godless, surplusless, ETSless, blameless, backwardless, husbandless and East Timorless.
She is also policyless on economic reform, climate change, asylum seekers, population and migration.
Tony is tactless, Malcolmless, choiceless, legless, forwardless, work choicesless, greenless, shirtless, spinless and less tax.
He is policyless on IR reform and what on earth to do about Julie Bishop and Wilson Tuckey.
Julia’s sustainable population policy is to limit numbers by not counting asylum seekers and have Mark Arbib and Bill Shorten assassinate politicians from time to time.
When you have a left-wing politician like Julia promoting John Howard policies and a right-wing politician like Tony promoting a Greens’ policy on maternity leave payments voting decisions become as terrifying as Russian Roulette.
There’s always the option of voting for the Greens but somehow it’s difficult to believe that Bob Brown has the answer to anything let alone the future of mankind.
Tony Abbott believes that John Howard is the font of all wisdom for the working classes and ditto the Pope for women. Yet he wants to be prime minister so much he’s already renounced both of them at least three times.
Once you have fully analysed all the policies that the leaders say they don’t believe in but you can’t believe them and all the promises you can’t help feeling they’re not going to keep this time either, you will come to realise that your Voters Block is only natural and healthy and it’s the politicians who have the problems.
Dick Head is now taking valium because ecstasy wasn’t strong enough
Tags: Bill Shorten humour, Dick Head, ETS, John Howard satire, Julia Gillard humour, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd satire, Malcolm Turnbull, Mark Arbib humour, Tony Abbott satire, Wilson Tuckey
Posted in Canberra correspondent - Dick Head, Election Sanity | No Comments »
The public seem terribly confused about what Malcolm Turnbull stands for. It’s very difficult to decide whether he’s to left of the Liberal Party or to the left of Malcolm Fraser.
Friday Mash’s NoSpin Doctors have undertaken the formidable task of analysing Malcolm’s remarks over many years and identifying what he would have said had he been free to tell the unvarnished and unspun truth. Here is the result of their painstaking work.
“I agree with many Labor policies but I could never join the party. Fancy having to work with people like Peter Garrett, Wayne Swan and those union buffoons. It would even be much worse than working with Tony Abbott and Nick Minchin.
A few years ago I realised I could become a great prime minister and deemed it would be selfish of me to deny this gift to the nation and instead become instead the world’s richest man.
I joined the Liberal Party because they have at least a basic understanding of what finance is all about and might have some idea of the scope of my genius.
After some consideration I decided not to challenge John Howard for the top job immediately upon my arrival in parliament because I believed it might seem a trifle presumptuous even for me.
Then in one of the most momentous political blunders of all time after the 07 elections the Liberal Party selected Brendan as leader rather than me. Eventually they corrected this obvious ballsup but the damage was done.
One day the truth will emerge about Godwin Grech. He was acting as an undercover stooge for either Kevin or Tony, I can’t decide which yet. Wouldn’t it be ironic if both those two no-hopers became prime minister and a man like me who was born to the job missed out?
The fact that I sank so low in the opinion polls is proof positive that they are fundamentally flawed. Who in their right mind would prefer Kevin Rudd as prime minister to me?
My detractors say I am not a politician. I can’t think of a greater compliment.
Anyone with half a brain knows that the ETS is the most effective way to tackle global warming, but not that dope Tony Abbott. So he put me in the invidious position of being on the same side as Kevin and Penny and it’s even difficult for a Labor politician to live with that ignominy.
Then in the worst decision in their entire history the Liberal Party kicked me out and installed tosspot Tony. I content myself with the thought that throughout history great men have had to endure setbacks as a prelude to unleashing their greatness.
My announcement that I would not be recontesting the seat of Wentworth brought the avalanche of protests which I had anticipated thereby re-establishing my status as the true leader of the Liberal Party and the Coalition. What else could I do but reconsider my decision not to stand when that had always been my intention.
Frankly Tony and Joe Hockey aren’t that bad and could probably run a small to medium company pretty well, but the truth is that I am the only politician who can lead Australia back to financial health and world leadership and everybody knows it.
Cometh the hour, cometh the man and it will obviously be me rather than Julia Gillard”
Tags: Brendan Nelson, Coalition, ETS, Godwin Grech, Joe Hockey, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Labor policies, Liberal Party, Malcolm Fraser, Malcolm Turnbull, Nick Minchin, NoSpin Doctors, Penny Wong, Peter Garrett, Wayne Swan
Posted in NoSpin Doctors | 1 Comment »
Canberra Report by Dick Head
Elections Can Be Harmful to Your Health
There are already signs of mental stress right across the Australian community as the realisation takes hold that no matter how you vote at the upcoming federal election it will result in either Kevin Rudd or Tony Abbott becoming prime minister.
And as if that awful reality is not enough it will be preceded by an excruciatingly mind-numbing election campaign lasting six weeks.
Mental health experts are extremely concerned about the potential of this sudden barrage of political bullshit and badinage to cause people to go absolutely barking.
In order to lessen the impact they recommend a pre-conditioning treatment which consists of listening to recordings of Kevin and Barnaby Joyce trying to explain the super profits tax. Anyone surviving just one week of this treatment is guaranteed immunity from election insanity.
Further they recommend that the public should look on the bright side and take heart from the fact this election holds no prospect of Malcolm Turnbull, Wayne Swan, Bob Brown, Julie Bishop, Penny Wong or Peter Garrett becoming prime minister.
Julia’s prospects depend on the relative job performance of Kevin as prime minister and Barry Hall as full forward for the Western Bulldogs. As Barry is clearly outperforming Kevin at the moment she seems much more likely to get the PM gig than spearhead the Dogs.
The electorate should be mindful of the dangers of using election promises as the basis for their vote. They have as much validity as a Pom opener promising to make a century before he goes out to bat in an Ashes Test.
Kevin’s track record of delivering on election promises is conservatively appalling. He may be too embarrassed to make any at the next election. Nevertheless voters should be aware of his propensity for promises like Christmas Island land rights for asylum seekers and green jobs for miners made redundant by the super profits tax.
A promise by Tony to get rid of Kevin however could be his most powerful electoral asset.
The likelihood that he will promise to use pedal power on a new budget cycle when he’s in the saddle could cause voters merely to view him as a saddle-sore pain in the arse.
Undoubtedly one of the key objectives of the next election will be to prevent a group of strange green senators from Tasmania causing legislative pollution in the federal parliament.
It’s a scandal that there is no provision in Kevin’s hospitals plan for special centres to treat mental illness caused by election campaigns. Reading this column is still the only accredited treatment.
Have you seen a Kristina?
Political commentators believe that the only chance the NSW Labor Government has of winning the Penrith by-election is a daily striptease by Kristina in the town centre.
So far voters are shattered that Kristina is going nowhere near the place and they’re getting a daily dose of Barry O’Farrell instead, thankfully with his clothes on.
In a wonderful humanitarian gesture the Liberal Party is preparing to offer free psychiatric treatment to anyone intending to vote Labor.
Dick Head is almost fully recovered from the last federal election.
Tags: asylum seekers, Barnaby Joyce, Barry Hall, Barry O’Farrell, Bob Brown, Christmas Island, Dick Head, election promises, hospitals, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, Liberal Party, Malcolm Turnbull, mental health, mining tax, NSW Labor Government, Penny Wong, Peter Garrett, super profits tax, Tasmania, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan, Western Bulldogs
Posted in Canberra correspondent - Dick Head, Election Sanity | No Comments »
The Friday Mash team of NoSpin Doctors have had a particularly challenging week. They have been desperately trying to identify what Tony Abbott would have said had he been totally honest about his dishonesty.
Spurred on by an unswerving dedication to bring the inspiration of truth to a bewildered public they finally arrived at a summary of what they believe Tony would like to say were he free from the shackles of spin and political subterfuge.
“I’ve always had the reputation as a straight shooter who tells the truth.” Goodness knows how that happened.
The spin doctors have taught me to ‘um’ and ‘ah’ a lot. This gives me time when answering a question to decide whether to answer a different one, make a policy statement, prevaricate, procrastinate, or in very rare instances tell the truth as long as it doesn’t set a precedent.
Contrary to popular opinion politicians are never dishonest except for most of the Labor Party. Politicians however are prone to mis-speak, suffer political amnesia, become disingenuous or recite disingenuous mis-speak sent out by the spin doctors.
If I’m asked a question like ‘Do you think Barnaby Joyce was a good choice as Finance Minister?’ the obvious answer is ‘no, he was absolute crap’. But obviously I can’t say that because it would piss off Barnaby and the Nationals, give the Labor Party a free kick and make me look like an absolute twit for appointing him.
So I spin an answer like ‘Barnaby was selected from a huge selection of first-class candidates for a specific short-term assignment. He performed brilliantly, made Lindsay Tanner look like an absolute goose and was moved to a regional portfolio more suited to his talents’. Everybody recognises that its spin and I get brownie points for showing new-age sensitivity and not dumping the stupid ratbag.
When I admitted that sometimes I don’t tell the truth I was astonished by the reaction. No-one thought I was spinning or mis-speaking as usual and everyone dumped on me for telling the truth. Well if that’s the reaction I don’t know why I bother to be so truthful.
Julia had the cheek to call me Phony Tony. If she tells many more porkies her nose will soon be as long as Pinocchio’s. Next she’ll be telling us that all the BER stuff was built at cost price It would be a waste of time to give her a lie-detector test. She’s needs a truth detector.
I’m sure you noticed they didn’t roll out Kevin to call me Phony Tony. The only truthful thing he’s said since he came to office was ‘Malcolm’s not fit to be prime minister.
Despite the setbacks I shall continue my quest to encourage honesty in the political process and in a few months I’ll confess to being occasionally dishonest again just to check whether other politicians are honest enough not to believe me.
On the other hand I’ll have to be careful not to push this honesty thing too far. The Australian Democrats ran on the slogan ‘Keeping the Bastards Honest’ and look what happened to them.
Just a further thought. Why did everybody kick up such a fuss when I confessed I don’t tell the truth sometimes? Everybody knew that already”.
Tags: Australian Democrats, Barnaby Joyce, BER, Julia Gillard, Keeping the Bastards Honest, Labor Party, lie-detector test, Lindsay Tanner, Malcolm Turnbull, NoSpin Doctors, Phony Tony, Roger Pugh, spin doctors, Tony Abbott
Posted in NoSpin Doctors | 2 Comments »
There’s a hint of something sinister in the air in Canberra. Politicians have been doing even weirder things than usual.
First the ghostly Godwin Grech spooked Malcolm, then Kevin contracted compulsive backflip disorder, Tony has let Kerry O’Brien make an honest dishonest man of him and now Wayne is trying to convert the mining industry into an extension of the Tax Department.
Friday Mash’s confidential investigative sources in Canberra believe they’re on to something. They are possibly uncovering evidence that senior female federal ministers have formed a witches’ coven and are hatching sinister plots. Could it be that Julia Gillard, Nicola Roxon and Penny Wong have decided to stir the pot and weave their malicious magic?
Penny obviously blames Tony for her post fatal depression over the ETS. Nicola must be sick and tired of trailing Kevin round hospitals like a mid-wife in case he gave birth to something or had to abort another promise. All three are Tonyphobic because he’s against abortions and they believe Kevin should be able to have one whenever he wants.
But above all Kevin’s sent them stir crazy because they all thought he was full of promise and he’s turned out to be merely full of himself. Wayne’s now taking credit for everything and has to be stopped before Visa and American Express cancel his cards.
Rumour hath it that wicked spells abound.
Double, double, toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
Government sources are still not worried. They have been saying for months that Kevin needs a spell. But if he’s gone off the boil the cauldron certainly hasn’t.
When shall we three meet again
In thunder, lightning or in rain
These wild chants echoing around Canberra are starting to get people worried. It has been confirmed that there have been no current productions of Macbeth in the city. Someone suggested they might be coming from a group concerned about climate change.
Round about the cauldron go
In the poisoned entrails throw
There is no clear indication of the nature of these poisoned entrails but a watch is being kept at hospitals to check whether John Howard has his appendix or his gall bladder removed.
Eye of newt and toe of frog
Wool of bat and tongue of dog
Throwing in batts wool is really going to add insulation fuel to the fire.
Canberra is rife with rumours. Is Julie Bishop under a spell or does she always look like that? Will Bronwyn emerge in the terrifying image of Lady Macbeth and act as though she’s married to Kevin?
Are Julia, Nicola and Penny even now shrieking the hideous chants and casting the diabolical spells which will render Kevin ready for a tap on the shoulder from Julia’s broomstick?
Fair is foul and foul is fair
Hover through the fog and filthy air
Lead on MacDuff. Someone’s got to find a way through all those carbon emissions.
Tags: American Express, ATO, Bronwyn Bishop, Carbon Emissions, Climate Change, ETS, Godwin Grech, home insulation scheme, hospitals, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Julie Bishop, Kerry O’Brien, Kevin Rudd, Lady Macbeth, MacDuff, Malcolm Turnbull, mining tax, Nicola Roxon, Penny Wong, Roger Pugh, super profits tax, Tony Abbott, Visa, Wayne Swan
Posted in Weekly Mash | 2 Comments »
For some time Friday Mash has perceived that politicians have a serious communication problem. Political rhetoric is becoming increasingly detached from reality.
Some argue it is unreasonable to expect politicians to tell the truth when it could cost them votes or their job. Others are concerned that politicians could lose all credibility if they become totally disconnected from the bleedin’ obvious.
For example Julia sees the building of an education revolution while the public sees revoltingly overpriced and undersized school buildings.
NoSpin Doctors is yet another political public service from Friday Mash. We have assembled a team with world class expertise in derevolutionising spin and getting to the truth of the matter. Their first assignment is to help you understand what Kevin might have said about the ETS if he wasn’t a prime political spinner.
Here is their NoSpin version.
“Climate change was very effective in helping me win the 07 election and also in identifying me as a world-class statesman and future Secretary General of the United Nations.
I called climate change ‘The greatest moral challenge of our generation’ because that was the best slogan the spin doctors could come up with and it made me sound really committed.
There’s no doubt that Malcolm Turnbull is an all-time bombastic pompous twit but it was great to have him onside in the ETS debate.
I became convinced that the ETS was an absolute no-brainer because it raised tons of taxes, needed a whole new level of bureaucracy and reduced the Coalition to a heap of carbon-emiting ashes.
Everything was proceeding brilliantly until that prime pain in the arse Tony Abbott rolled Malcolm and the ETS went down the tubes together with my chances of being the star of the Copenhagen Conference.
I acknowledge that Penny and I exaggerated the consequences of not passing the ETS legislation through the Parliament before Copenhagen. I’m sure people understood that bushfires, droughts and raging seas would not actually engulf Australia before Christmas but I was apprehensive that if I went to Copenhagen without an ETS no-one would take any notice of me. At least I got that right.
In retrospect I have to admit that Tony was right about not rushing ahead with the ETS before Copenhagen and of course the Coalition was quite right to throw it out in the Senate.
If it had passed Australia would be lumbered with a massive tax on everything and be hopelessly uncompetitive in world markets. I only wish I’d heeded Tony’s advice sooner.
My decision to abandon the ETS and a few other difficult projects has caused my poll numbers to drop. But I do not shrink from the tough decisions needed to axe projects resulting from my stupid decisions in the first place.
Yes it’s true the ETS is a massive tax on everything and Penny and I were less than frank about its true impacts, but I think it’s a bit rich that from Beijing to London and right across Australia I am now being subjected to an outbreak of global cooling.”
Tags: BER, Building the Education Revolution, Climate Change, Climate Change Conference, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, global cooling, global warming, greatest moral challenge of our generation, Julia Gillard, Kevin 07, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Penny Wong, Political rhetoric, Roger Pugh, Tony Abbott, United Nations
Posted in Weekly Mash | 1 Comment »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
7th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
You know how much I love Kevin but I can’t help feeling a bit shitty with him this week.
If there’s one thing Neville and I hate more than the Eels being beaten by Manly its doing tax returns. They’re such a damned nuisance and if you make a mistake the Tax Office treats you like a Manly supporter at Parramatta Stadium.
So when Kevin and Wayne got some Hooray Henry to do a review of the tax system ‘Hoo-bloody-ray’ I thought. He’s bound to find that we’re spending far too much time on being government tax agents and they’re nicking far too much tax off us.
Would you believe Hooray Henry made one hundred and thirty-eight recommendations to change the tax system and Kevin’s activated two.
I’m outraged. Not a single word of apology from anyone about taking up too much of our time filling in GSTs and BASs and taking too much tax off us, nor a word of thanks for all the thousands Neville and I have contributed over the years.
And I’ll tell you what really gets my goat. There was diddly-squat about checking whether the government wasting all that tax money. I hope they haven’t squandered my taxes on the crappy COLAs, batts and the ETS.
I used to think that Kevin wore a hard hat in case something fell on him at a building site but it’s just dawned on me that its because people are throwing stuff at him.
I’m so disappointed. I almost think the best thing Kevin could do for working families is bugger off. I’m sorry, I know I get carried away and I’ll probably love Kevin again next week because sure as hell I’ll never vote for that Tony Abbott.
And then if there wasn’t enough bad news this week Malcolm’s changed his mind about retiring. I must say however that I enjoyed his time as leader of the Coalition because Kevin hit record poll numbers as preferred prime minister.
But just imagine what it would be like if Tony became prime minister. They could shut the parliament in Canberra because his government would operate like the Tour de France.
If Julia’s got a Field Marshal’s baton in her knapsack now might be the time to dust it off and start conducting a few overtures to her Labor Party colleagues.
We didn’t have World Affairs Think Tank session this week because Mildred, who was supposed to organise it, went off for a dirty weekend with a St George supporter. That’s the only sort of weekend you can expect from that mob.
Sorry to hear about your oil problem. Our Mavis’ Bert knows a guy who works at BP but he didn’t think he could help.
Till next week.
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: BAS, BP, Coalition, COLA, ETS, Gaelene Woo, GST, Henry Tax Review, Julia Gillard, Labor Party, Malcolm Turnbull, Manly, Parramatta, Roger Pugh, St George, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
And it came to pass that carbon emissions were polluting the land and the people were really choked up about it.
Kevin the Grand Prophet of the Decarbonators and his sidekick Prebendary Penny were roaming the land warning of dire consequences like drought, fires and Julie Bishop if they were not anointed the true saviours who could achieve a parting of the black sea of emissions with their miracle ETS and lead the people through it to a carbon-free promised land.
The blessed Malcolm who was King of the Carbonators agreed with them but his sidekick Tomcat Tony did not. He claimed the ETS was a massive tax on everything and who cares about droughts and fires if you lose you job and your electricity account is as deeply in debt as Wayne’s budget.
The Carbonators got increasingly pissed with the Blessed Malcolm because he was in bed with Grand Prophet Kevin and Prebendary Penny although he claimed it was an emissions-free zone.
Nevertheless the Blessed Malcolm parted ways with the Carbonators who made Tomcat Tony their leader and gave the Blessed one a carbon footprint up his backside.
The people became more Carbonator friendly because they didn’t want to be in hock to the electricity companies and they found out that once they reached the carbon-free promised land Prebendary Penny would be appointed the chief carbon tax collector.
Cheered on by Tomcat Tony the Carbonators in the Senate refused to allow Grand Prophet Kevin and Prebendary Penny to impose their miracle ETS on the people despite dire warnings of doom from Chief Profit Al, who believes the ETS is a carbon copy of the Holy Grail.
The Grand Profit Kevin and Prebendary Penny then travelled to a World Convocation of Decarbonators in Copenhagen but were mortified to find that their ETS got the same reception as a salary cap and trade scheme at the Melbourne Storm.
In recent times the Grand Prophet Kevin has had a greenhouse epiphany. He has renounced his miracle ETS and capped and traded the Prebendary Penny. This is the price he has to pay for staying in power although its quite reasonable compared with the price everyone else is paying for power.
The people are quite happy to go on being carbonated. Its such a relief not to have Prebendary Penny rabbiting on about disasters all the time and now they can relax and listen to music by Coal Porter.
The Grand Prophet Kevin has switched his attention to the new Greatest Moral Challenge of our Generation which is finding the way to a debt-free promised land through a parting of the red sea of ink splashed all over Wayne’s budget.
As for the challenge of reaching the carbon-free promised land through a parting of the black sea of emissions the Grand Prophet Kevin has postponed his next attempt until 2013 which will give him time to go back to the bullrushes and start work on a new miracle.
He’s not too discouraged by what has happened. After all parting is such sweet sorrow.
Tags: Carbon Emissions, carbon-free, Carbonators, Coal Porter, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, Decarbonators, ETS, government debt, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Melbourne Storm, Penny Wong, salary cap, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan
Posted in Weekly Mash | No Comments »
Zero Nero
It is rumoured that the Bushfire Inquiry has discovered why Christine Nixon dined while Victoria burned. She doesn’t know how to play the fiddle.
The End of The Affair
Some commentators believe that Kristina’s honeymoon with the NSW public ended with the F3 motorway debacle. Others believe it was more of a dirty weekend.
A Surgical Strike
Kevin’s hospitals plan is a major operation to give the premiers a bypass and take out their GST.
Sick Leave
Obama brushed Kevin in February because of his healthcare plan and Kevin recently brushed Obama’s Nuclear Security Summit because of his hospitals plan. They seem to have a healthy disregard for one another.
Horseplay
Kevin said wild horses wouldn’t drag more hospital funding out of him but a Brumby did.
Out of Character
Obama claimed Kevin is a humble person just like him. He also claimed that Malcolm Turnbull has an inferiority complex.
The Big Bang Theory
Wouldn’t it be great to catch Kevin, Wayne, Julia, Anna Bligh and Kristina together all wearing hard hats? Then you could bang all their heads together.
Women Who Live in Glasshouses
Business consultants believe that the home insulation scheme will make it more difficult for women to break through glass ceilings.
Tags: Anna Bligh, Barack Obama, Bushfire Inquiry, Christine Nixon, F3 motorway, GST, GST revenue, healthcare plan, home insulation scheme, hospital plan, hospitals, Julia Gillard, Kristina Keneally, Malcolm Turnbull, Nuclear Security Summit, Wayne Swan
Posted in Carbon Emissions | 10 Comments »
UK Report by Tori Banger
It’s Not Cricket
Leading political analysts in the UK have recoiled in horror at the prospect of the country becoming as big a post-election basket-case as Tasmania.
According to latest polling there is a strong possibility of Gordon Brown getting re-elected in a hung parliament and David Cameron being hung in parliament by Margaret Thatcher.
Gordon’s election campaign is not as hopeless as it looks according to his wife. He is still relying heavily on the strategy of stuffing up the country’s finances in an horrendously complex way and claiming he’s the only one who could possibly remember what to do about it. Some commentators believe however that the strategy may be unravelling because amnesia is beginning to set in.
David Cameron has made matters even worse by straying to the left of Gordon and becoming either a latte or a chardonnay socialist or a champagne communist.
According to Gordon, David’s an up-himself toff who has so lost his sense of direction that he doesn’t know whether he’s on his arse or his elbow or whether he’s even in Europe.
David’s getting the blame for driving Malcolm Turnbull into the arms of Kevin and, heaven forbid, Penny over the ETS
What the UK election finally comes down to is which party can inspire the Pommie cricket team to retain the Ashes in Australia.
If Malcolm had the Twenty 20 career in politics, David is at best 50/50 and another five years of Gordon would be the biggest test the UK has ever experienced.
Tori Banger is considering getting into bed with the Liberal Democrats
Tags: champagne communist, chardonnay socialist, David Cameron, Gordon Brown, hung parliament, Malcolm Turnbull, Margaret Thatcher, The Ashes, Tori Banger, Twenty 20
Posted in Election Sanity, UK correspondent - Tori Banger | 1 Comment »
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