Most Recent

Posts Tagged ‘Michele Obama’

Tea With Me - Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

1st April 2010

Dear Mr President,

Last week when I was in Canberra I popped into the US Embassy and introduced myself to Jeff Bleich your ambassador. Such a lovely man.

Would you believe he invited Neville and me to have afternoon tea with you and Michelle during your visit in June. I’m so thrilled I think I’ll burst. Jeff asked me to talk to you about the world’s first Obama Fan Club because he thinks its an absolutely brilliant concept.

I just can’t make my mind up about all the asylum seekers who are sailing across here from Indonesia. You have to be sorry for them but I can’t help feeling that one day we’ll be overrun. All it will take is the population of Afghanistan to decide they’ve had enough of the joint and hire a few cruise ships to take them to Australia. Can you imagine Kevin trying to pick the Taliban out of that lot?

I understand why the Afghans would want to live in a country run by Kevin rather than that Karzai chap but they don’t know a thing about rugby league or cricket. And I hope someone at Christmas Island warns them about Wilson Tuckey, the Eels’ disappointing start to the season, Alan Jones, Tony’s beachwear, Barnaby Joyce and the home insulation scheme.

People smuggling is such a profitable business that Neville’s thinking of getting into it. He’s got a genius plan. He’s going to buy old Sydney ferries when Kristina flogs them off. Then he’ll fill them up with asylum seekers in Indonesia, charge ten thousand bucks a head, sail into Sydney Harbour and unload them at Circular Quay. No-one will take a blind bit of notice because they’ll think it’s the Manly Ferry.

The World Affairs Think Tank sprang back into action this week by coming up with advice for you on how to handle the Chinese. I know how difficult it can be..

First you’ve got to understand who you’re talking to because what with Stern Hu and President Hu sometimes its difficult to know who’s Hu.

Then you could play pingpong or mah-jong in Hong Kong or Haiphong or dingdong over Falun Gong or Mao Zedong right or wrong or who flung dong at Penny Wong or some nong in a thong going for a song on a chaise longue in Guangdong.

Sorry, we couldn’t think of anything serious and we just got carried away.

Whatever you do don’t get Kevin to speak to the Chinese on your behalf. Ever since he started talking to them in Chinese they’ve gone right off him. He must speak Uighur with a Tibetan accent.

Oh by the way if you’ve panicked at the thought of having tea with me at the Embassy – APRIL FOOL. Ha ha, caught you that time.

Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »

Obama short venture down under - Thursday, March 18th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

19th March 2010

Dear Mr President,

It’s been a terrible week here.

First we get news that your family aren’t coming with you to Australia, then we’re told you’re coming here later than planned, then you’re only coming for twenty-four hours missing out Sydney and may not come at all if the healthcare bill doesn’t get passed.

Kevin can’t get anything passed either. If you ask me you both need a good dose of prunes.

Mildred and I are even considering going to Canberra just to catch a glimpse of you. Give me a wave if you see me in the crowd. I’ll be wearing my pink and beige floral number so I should be pretty easy to spot.

I’ve cancelled the provisional booking for your address at the local RSL conference centre and told the mayor he can hang up his chain for the day. It’s such a shame.

I’m terribly worried about Kevin. His poll numbers are in the toilet and everybody’s saying how rude and bad tempered he is. He was even hostile to our premier Kristina who’s such a lovely woman. Neville’s really got the hots for her. It’s a bit confusing when your husband is threatening to elope with the NSW Premier.

I’m relying on you to give Kevin a bit of a surge while you’re here. He seems to be spending all his time in hospitals and churches. I’m worried he’ll get confused and hand round a bedpan for the church collection. They never provide restrooms in churches so he might collect more than he bargained for.

By the way please don’t mention the ETS when you’re with Kevin. He seems to have gone right off it. Maybe he’ll recover in time for the next climate change conference in Mexico. It looks like the drug cartels will be running the country by then so we’ll be able to see whether things really do go better with coke. Oh I am awful sometimes.

Instead of our usual World Affairs Think Tank session this week the Club put together a list of must-do things for you in Australia. I hope it will come in handy.

You’ve got to buy the children’s book written by Kevin. I think it’s called ‘Snow White and the 07 Kevins’.

Please tell everyone that Kevin is the loveliest, most delightful, good-tempered, polite, intelligent and generous man you’ve ever met. Yes I know it’s not true but you’re the only person who could say it without causing raucous laughter.

If you get served Coon cheese in the parliament canteen please don’t take it personally.

I’m sure you wont feel out of place when you find you’re the only black person in the Australian Parliament. There are two Browns however and both of them are green.

If you haven’t had time to write your speech to the joint sitting of Parliament why don’t you pick up a copy of the one Yudwhoyouknow gave them a couple of weeks ago when you’re in Indonesia. I’m sure no-one would notice if you did an encore and it contains all the right stuff about terrorists, co-operation, how wonderful Australia and Kevin are with no mention of the ETS.

Whatever you do don’t pass on any advice to your daughters from Tony Abbott. But Sarah Palin might appreciate it.

Unfortunately you wont have time this trip to come with me to watch the Eels. They lost to the Saints in the opener but I’ll book you a seat for the grand final because they’re bound to be there.

Till next week.

Gaelene Woo,
President

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »

Understanding Australian Ways - Friday, February 19th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

19th February 2010

Mr President,

I can’t tell you how excited we all are about your visit. Marge almost had to go to emergency last week because she was overheating.

The mayor is standing by and thinks he can get the day off if you can find time to visit Beauthaven. We haven’t heard back from your social secretary yet so perhaps you could jog her memory.

Instead of our usual World Affairs Think Tank this week the Club put on a Sarah Palin Roast and Half-Price Beer Night. It was a huge success but I think Neville got a bit upset about some of the things they said about Sarah because he fancies her just like Hillary. He once told me I was the same type as Sarah. Next thing he’ll be inviting me out moose-shooting.

I’m really excited that the Club picked up four new members at the Roast but I‘m not convinced we’ll keep them once the beer goes back to full price.

The committee thought it would be useful if I passed on a few tips about Australia to help you plan your trip. I know the embassy in Canberra will be briefing you but its not like they live in Australia.

Now I know you’re used to flying into major capital cities like London and Washington. Flying into Canberra may be a bit of a shock. Don’t be surprised if it seems like you’re flying into Kevin’s country estate instead.

The airport building is about half as big as Air Force One. In fact while you’re there some people might mistake it for the airport building.

Canberra’s not what you’d call a shopper’s paradise. If Michele wants to do any shopping here I suggest you drop her off in Sydney and I’ll show her round.

Mildred suggested I reassure you that it will be quite safe to go into the Australian Parliament because Peter Garrett hasn’t insulated the roof.

By the way there’s a whole lot of Afghans and Sri Lankans in Indonesia who are trying to get into Australia. When you call in there make sure your security guys are on the lookout for potential stowaways on Air Force One. It wouldn’t be a good look if you disembarked in Sydney with a bunch of asylum seekers.

You might have to be sprayed by the immigration authorities before you land in Canberra but usually they only spray septics who are Republicans.

I know you’ll have a great time in Canberra chatting up Kevin and Julia. They’re such lovely people. And I know you’ll do your best to be polite when you meet Tony Abbott and Joe Hockey; don’t be surprised if Joe’s dressed as Tinkerbell. And if Barnaby Joyce tells you to ‘bugger off’ that’s only the Nationals way of trying to be matey.

Oh and don’t be surprised by the Federal Parliament Building being partly underground. They designed it that way to conceal the fact that our politicians have got their heads buried in the sand.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »