30th July 2010

PM’s Office
Canberra

Dear Julia,

I can’t tell you how relieved the Girls were that your debate with Tony didn’t clash with MasterChef.

We were all rooting for Callum, such a lovely young man and so modest, and it was such a shame he got dudded by those dopey judges. If they’d used the worms to judge the final or even the bloody octopus he’d have been a shoo-in.

Even if the debate had clashed with MasterChef you’ll be pleased to know that we wouldn’t have missed it for anything and planned to record it to watch later on.

Talking about worms we’re amazed that those worms on TV don’t seem to like Tony as much as the worms in his own party. Ooh I am awful sometimes.

I have to say the Girls were very disappointed with the debate. You were brilliant and we all voted you the clear winner but the problem for us was that Tony wasn’t rude enough to you. We’d already written a letter to the Sydney Morning Herald complaining about him being a rude, vindictive loser and disappointingly he almost came across as being normal .

Audrey said she was beginning to fancy him but we bought her a stout and a port and lemon chaser and she soon settled down.

I hope you don’t mind me mentioning this but the Girls are all terribly worried about Peter Garrett. He’s such a lovely person for a politician and so concerned about preserving endangered species like jellybacked ex-prime ministers.

What concerns us Girls is that after you win the election you’ll dump him. Yes I know he stuffed the green loans and the insulation scheme and he treats parliament like a Midnight Oil concert but we think it could all have been Kevin’s fault.

I can’t tell you how shocked we all were to learn that Kevin underneath it all is an ego driven control freak but we’re almost over it by now. In fact we’re thinking of giving Mark Arbib a Beauthaven Branch award for his services to the Party.

We just don’t want Peter to be the Oil that is thrown out with the bathwater.

It now seems that the insulation disaster was all Kevin’s doing because he was control freaking the stimulus so much that Peter had to go like a batt out of hell whether he wanted to or not.

So when the time comes please treat him kindly. He’s the only rock star ever to have a g-string thrown at him by Dot and you just can’t ignore opportunities like that.

I see the miners are restarting their anti-tax ad campaign. Marge’s cousin who works down the mines is telling her it’s all because of confusion over the numbers.

I know you’ll probably hate me for saying this but I think these sorts of numbers are totally beyond Wayne and Hooray Henry.

If you don’t soon get someone doing the sums who knows what two and two makes we’re going to end up owing the miners money.

If you ask me the only surplus Wayne can get into by 2013 is the oil in the Gulf of Mexico.

Go Gillard’s Girls

Gaelene Woo,
President