A Single Return
To spare his mother-in-law further embarrassment Bill Shorten should get divorced immediately

A Worse Mark
Before we get too carried away thinking that independents are a breath of fresh air don’t forget Mark Latham is now one of them.

A Cleaner Kristina
After Julia’s reawakening there comes news of a new Kristina; more credible and responsible, committed to good government. She must have quit the NSW Labor Party.

Unattractive Features
We need to get back to the good old days of politics when independents were faceless men.

A Fatal Union
There is news that Julia, Rob Oakeshott, Tony Windsor and Bob Katter are about to star in a remake of Three Weddings and a Funeral.

Huge Loss of Face
The whisperings down Canberra corridors have it that Bill Shorten will be the next Labor prime minister. That means he will become the Faceless of Australia.

Unsustainable Population
Bob Brown warns that global warming will result in the loss of certain species in Tasmania. Hopefully the Greens senators will be one of them.

Work Choices
Julia is now the caretaker prime minister who is trying to repair cracks in the Labor Party, brush the BER under the carpet, clean up Kevin’s leaks and sweep the independents into a coalition.

Unconscious Decisions

Doctor’s are delighted that Kevin and Nicola Roxon have become such frequent visitors to hospitals. They have recognised them as the clinically preferred way of sending patients into an induced coma.

Once Bitten

The Apple Isle has appeal on the outside, is quite sweet on the inside but its politics are enough to give you the pip.

Waste Measurement

Responding to criticism that his asylum seeker policy is all at sea, his ETS policy has gone cold, his BER programme has failed the test, his home insulation scheme has burnt out and his hospitals scheme is the wrong medicine, Kevin challenged Tony Abbott to come up with policies which are a better waste of money.

Conservation Consternation

The Greens in Tasmania have taken steps to ensure the Bartlett doesn’t become extinct. Even environmentalists are puzzled as to why they would want to preserve this devious creature as a premier species.

A People Person

Tony Burke has become Australia’s first Population Minister. He will be spending most of his time counting arrivals at maternity wards and Christmas Island. Population growth is simply a matter of course, the people smugglers’ course and intercourse.

Severe Weather Warning

Scientists believe the next global warming disaster will be the re-emergence of Penny Wong with a new ETS.

Afghans Hounded

In a brilliant pre-emptive move Kevin has thwarted the Taliban plan to take over Afghanistan by forcing the rest of the population to migrate to Australia.

Working Themselves to a Standstill

Responding to the news that motorists had been abandoned for up to ten hours in the F3 Motorway traffic foul-up, the NSW Government said it wasn’t their responsibility because you can’t expect the premier or the transport minister to be responsible, the incident proved their theory that by reducing traffic speeds to 1km per hour you improved road safety, their counter-flow system worked brilliantly when it was introduced eight hours after the accident and get stuffed and go by train next time.

Canberra Report by Dick Head

Tasmanian Election – Final Results Promised by Christmas

Tasmanian election officials have confirmed the final state election results will be announced by Christmas but don’t count on it because they’re not counting either.

The Hare-Clark electoral system is likely to be renamed Tortoise-Clark. Experts are considering whether to replace it with the Duckworth-Lewis system especially when elections are rain-affected.

There’s no need to speed things up because the state has become used to their government not functioning properly and with the Greens holding the balance of power in the new parliament there’s no chance things will get any better.

NSW – Kristina and a Labor of Love
In a quite brilliant initiative aimed at fooling voters at the 2011 state election, the NSW Government has decided they weren’t in power from 1995 to 2009 and all the stuff-ups during that period had nothing to do with them.

What’s more they’ve got Ahmadinejad to say that along with the holocaust and 9/11 the NSW Labor Government prior to Kristina just didn’t happen.

The Government apparently started with Kristina and she’s it. Non-Kristina state Labor politicians who speak in public have to look exactly like her or else stay out of sight.

The make-up artists who transform Frank Sartor deserve an Oscar. The ones who work on Joe Tripodi should be prosecuted for false pretences.

Dick Head thinks Julie Bishop
is the new Mark Latham

Commentators have marvelled at the absolute consistency between the nine plans and have confidently forecast that the ninth will have exactly the same non-effect in solving Sydney traffic problems as all the rest of them.

The Labor Government seems incapable of grasping that plans in themselves are not enough, but traffic experts have sounded a note of caution pointing out that, given the government’s track record, doing nothing is probably the preferred option.

The latest plan has been dubbed ‘Kristina in Wonderland’. Sydney commentators were quick to point out it conforms to the first part of the slogan on which the government was elected ‘More to do but moving in the right direction’ but doesn’t promote movement in any direction let alone the right one.

A key underlying objective of ‘Kristina in Wonderland’ seems to be isolating Western Sydney from the CBD and encouraging it to become a suburb of Melbourne. The new Aussie Rules franchise out there could be the first step in the transfer to be finalised by 2020 when it will be quicker to travel to Melbourne from Bankstown than to the Sydney CBD.

The Government is obviously concerned that if they provide Sydney commuters with a coherent road network they will abandon the daily torture of train travel in droves and leap into their cars. This would upset the delicate balance in transport chaos, resulting in the new road network becoming hopelessly gridlocked and obliging the government to finally fund a decent rail service.

Tourists visiting the world’s number one travel destination should be warned not to expect much touring. They need to understand that the local transport system is carefully designed to ensure they’ll enjoy their visit far more by staying in one place.

One of the new plan’s great strengths is the provision of an exciting new revenue stream for the government. Motorists who are gridlocked on motorways for more than a few minutes could get parking fees deducted from their e-tag balance.

Despite its avowed metrosexuality the state government has made a premature withdrawal from the CBD Metro with no real prospect of a future climax or conception.

Environmentalists have hailed ‘Kristina in Wonderland’ as a significant step in the fight against global warming. They are convinced it will achieve a huge reduction in Sydney’s carbon footprint by causing many commuters to abandon all hope of getting to the CBD and back in one day and employers to install office seats which convert into beds.

In desperation some clinicians have offered to provide stents to unblock the main Sydney traffic arteries. However there is another body of medical opinion which believes the correct treatment is a governmental enema.

The William St and Cross-city Tunnel debacles tend to confirm that the Labor Government actually doing something about Sydney’s transport problems would promote a sinking feeling akin to Peter Garrett being given responsibility for fixing Australia’s submarine fleet.

Sydneysiders may take comfort in the fact that the Government only has time for one more transport plan at the most and no time to do anything really disastrous.

Kristina will be staying in Wonderland and just like the rest of us will not be going anywhere in a hurry.

The Face of Labor
The NSW Government’s latest cunning plan is to present themselves as the Kristina Party rather than Labor. The new advertising campaign is reportedly having no impact in raising voter support for the Labor Government but it could result in Kristina getting loads of invitations to do centrefolds for men’s magazines.
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Top Spin
Kevin didn’t apologise when the home insulation scheme horrors first came to light and he didn’t apologise for Peter Garrett’s stuff-ups or six thousand lost jobs. He finally apologised when the spin doctors convinced him that he was on a sticky wicket which would take spin.
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A New League of Their Own
If you happen to see drunks assaulting people in pubs or urinating in the street don’t be alarmed; they are merely the traditional signs that a new rugby league season is about to begin.
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Weak Support
The week before Kevin fired Peter Garrett he said ‘I support Minister Garrett this week and I’ll still support him next week’. Yes it’s true what they say about a week in politics.
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Dynamic Duo
A night club in Sydney is reported to have insulation problems. Seems like a case of Peter Garrett meets Tiger Woods.
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Browned Off
If Gordon Brown is no longer the UK Prime Minister after the upcoming election he has the qualifications for a range of other top jobs like the President of Venezuela, Zimbabwe or Iran. Bully for him.
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Not Sorry For Himself
On Q&A last Monday, Peter Garrett said he hadn’t done anything he should apologise for and seemed non-plussed that Kevin had apologised for him. He doesn’t seem to realise what a sorry figure he has become although he might apologise for Kevin.
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House Rules
Now that we’ve got Peter Garrett out of our roofs the next challenge is getting Tony Abbott out of our bedrooms.
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Great Mate
Peter Garrett has demonstrated an ability to expostulate, discombobulate, encapsulate, recapitulate, articulate, vacillate, ululate, miscalculate, emasculate, dissimulate, gesticulate, confabulate, manipulate but alas not insulate.

Valentine Shock
If you received a Valentine Card from Kevin don’t panic, it was just part of his new stimulation package.

Oh Heavens it’s Kevin
There’s growing concern amongst health authorities at the spread of Kevin Fatigue Syndrome. Sufferers can experience frightening symptoms such as Julia Gillard beginning to look quite attractive. Spokesmen are confident however that the standard treatment comprising earplugs and blindfolds will prove effective. Labor Party heavies are said to be quite concerned that Julia herself might contract it and begin to see herself as more attractive than Kevin.

Retro Metro
The NSW Labor Government have shown themselves to be passionate metrosexuals. There’s lots of metro bonking with a number of premature withdrawals but no sign of a climax.

A Heavy Crossing to Bear
The NSW Government caused universal astonishment by rejecting proposals from two organisations to privatise the Sydney Harbour Ferries and opting to maintain the status quo. They had arguably come to the realisation that a ferry service which is profitable, on-time and free from the daily risk of crashing into Circular Quay would be a threat to their toll revenue on the Harbour Bridge.

See You Later Insulator
Kevin has done such a brilliant job insulating Peter Garrett he’s the obvious choice to go out and fix some houses.

Fairyland
During his appearance on television wearing a crown and tutu and carrying a wand Joe Hockey appeared not so much like Tinkerbell and more like the Magic Pudding.

Up the Poll
According to the polls voters are going off Kevin in droves. They must have batts in the belfry.

Roger Pugh, chief satirist for FridayMash delivers speech to 40 attendees in Sydney’s Upper North Shore on his dialogue and conversation with the former NSW State Premier Nathan Rees.

Let us know what you think!

In retrospect the Copenhagen Conference seems like Woodstock without the music.
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It seems unfair that despite the compelling claims of her predecessors the special qualifications of Kristina Keneally will result in her becoming the first NSW Premier to be acclaimed the mother of all disasters.
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Prince Charles warned at Copenhagen that Australia could be facing a major calamity. Hopefully the Queen will live for many more years.
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In the past rugby league players who got hammered and assaulted women were simply regarded as hooligans. Management consultants however now believe it is a vital part of the experience needed for them to become NSW Government Ministers.
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It is interesting to speculate how many delegates at the Climate Change Conference availed themselves of the free services offered by Copenhagen hookers and how many took action to reduce the effects of extra-marital climate changes.
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Did anyone seriously believe that delegates from one hundred and ninety nations including Robert Mugabe, Hugo Chavez, Al Gore, Prince Charles and Kevin and thousands of left-wing loony rioters were going to agree on anything? If only Barnaby Joyce had been there things could have been a whole lot different.
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Inside US sources confirm that Bill Clinton is still claiming he was unjustly impeached. He’s apparently adamant that when he said ‘ I did not have sex with that woman’ he was talking about Hillary not Monica.
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All the signs are that neither Kevin nor Obama saved the world in Copenhagen. Perhaps someone better qualified will turn up on Christmas Day.

There’s more than one touch of déjà vu in the latest asylum seeker crisis. The captain of the Tampa came from Norway so he was another Oceanic Viking who made a memorable contribution to Australian immigration.
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The US still has the largest economy in the world, but as in the case of Gitmo and healthcare it takes the Obama administration time to effect the changes you can believe in.
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Following the news that polar bears are not an endangered species Al Gore’s truth begins to seem more lenient than inconvenient.
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The US played a significant role in influencing Russia to withdraw from Afghanistan so it is uncommonly considerate of them to be trying to repay the favour.
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The French President appointed his son to run a large government body. The Italian President appointed glamorous women of his acquaintance to cabinet posts. It’s about time Kevin appointed his wife to run the country.
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Sri Lankan asylum seekers have begun to pioneer a direct sailing route to Christmas Island. Kevin’s obviously forgotten to tell them about the Indonesian Solution.
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Australia has an ETS under development while China is building over five hundred coal-fired power stations. It’s encouraging that other countries besides Australia are making a difference on climate change.
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The latest Newspoll data from NSW was a huge shock. It wasn’t so much that Nathan Rees poll numbers had fallen so far but rather that 31% still preferred him as premier. Surely he can’t have that many relations.

Climate change is the new religion. Al Gore is God, Obama is Jesus, Kevin’s an apostle, the Greens are the choir, Julia’s an angel, Barnaby Joyce is an atheist, Malcolm is Judas and Penny will be coming round with the ETS collection plate.
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When Jessica Watson arrives back in Australian waters after her round the world voyage authorities confirm there is every chance she will be intercepted and taken to Indonesia.
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Kevin is considering an inspired new concept for reducing the flow of asylum seekers, the NSW Government Solution; put State Rail in charge of timetables for people smuggler boats departing Indonesia.
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The huge number of Kiwis who have found an asylum in Bondi are proof of the success of the Australian Solution. Experts believe that after a year or two of the Indonesian Solution there could be a significant number of Aussies seeking the NZ Solution.
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Penny is reportedly planning to open a major carbon emissions trading centre. You simply bring along all the carbon emissions which are surplus to your quota and pay somebody else to take ownership of them. On the other hand if you are serious about reducing your carbon emissions apparently all you have to do is use less energy.
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It looks increasingly likely that Kevin will sub-contract Australian immigration operations to Indonesia. In the event that this is a success the next steps will be to sub-contract foreign affairs to North Korea and the ETS to the mining industry.
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One expert believes the person with the best solution for tackling climate change is yet to be born. Luckily there’s still six weeks left before the UN Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen.

• Thank Yudhoyono for his hospitality and compliment him on his NZ solution for asylum seekers. Pick-up by NZ navy is a great idea but must check if they’ve still got a navy.

• Do media interviews describing Malcolm’s ETS amendments as a business development plan for the coal industry. He thinks ETS stands for extra tax slug.

• Set timetable for negotiating amendments with Malcolm. Penny says it will be like trying to tell a deaf person to turn up his hearing aid.

• Co-ordinate with Penny to select our Malcolm tag of the week; ‘Barnaby Joyce’s Stooge’, ‘The Carbon Cavalier’ or ‘The Stoker at the Furnace of Global Warming’. I like those.

• Tell Wayne he looks like an absolute goose on TV in a hard hat. It reminds me of a huge bottom spilling out over the sides of a small chair.

• Meet with the coal industry to promote the ETS, urge increased spending on clean coal research and emphasise the need to increase exports to China.

• Talk to Glenn Stevens about his remarks in favour of ending the stimulus package and remind him of the need to stay above politics like Ken Henry.

• Discuss the schools stimulus programme with Julia. Am a bit worried about the forecast that we shall soon have more school halls than schools.

• Chat to Barack about my chances for the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize. If he won it this year for following George W. Bush I should be a shoe-in next year for following John Howard. Will suggest he drops a word or two when he gets gonged in December.

• Check with Newspoll about their latest data. They must have made a mistake. It’s impossible that only 65% prefer me as prime minister now that Peter’s given it away and the only competition is Malcolm.

• Must think of something good to say about the NSW Government which doesn’t send everybody into fits of laughter.

• Check whether Jenny Macklin at long last has managed to build at least one bloody house in the Northern Territory.

• Suggest to Barack we should cut to the chase and hold a G2 meeting.

• On second thoughts Barnaby Joyce could be right about me being worth a million dollars. I could even be worth more. Must take a few soundings.

• Tell Peter Garrett that I don’t think a wig would suit him.

• Check with Belinda Neal about anger management courses. My staff tell me there’s someone in our office badly in need of one

• Newspoll has just reported that I have a 5% approval rating amongst my staff dropping to 1% if you include the ones who have just left. Perhaps the bunk beds in the office aren’t very comfortable.

• Must be careful not to reject all Malcolm’s ETS amendments because it might be the end of him as Coalition leader. Its possible that Joe or Tony could be an improvement.

Kevin has crafted a brilliant strategy to help Labor win the 2010 federal election. During the campaign he plans to send the NSW Government on a world tour. The NSW electorate will be so grateful for the relief that they’ll vote for him in droves. Furthermore visits from the NSW Government will help countries such as Zimbabwe and Somalia reflect on how lucky they are.
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Isn’t it strange that Malcolm’s deputy Julie Bishop is never mentioned as a contender for his job? Perhaps this is a sign that the Liberal Party should follow the Pope’s lead and not suffer female Bishops.
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Has anyone heard much about Stephen Smith recently? He certainly qualifies as Australia’s most anonymous Minister for Foreign Affairs. Julia’s been in the US, Penny’s been in China, Kevin’s been everywhere but all these places are foreign to Stephen. Wayne, who was of course the other rooster, has been all over the world crowing about Australia’s economic record. The feeling in Canberra circles is that Stephen has either been plucked or has been in Sri Lanka presenting a film about water-boarding on Christmas Island.

It was encouraging that he went to Indonesia with Kevin. Hopefully he’ll be able to find his own way there in future.
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Friday Mash has rejected a suggestion from Al Gore that we reduce our Carbon Emissions.
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Malcolm has proposed miner changes to the ETS which are designed to allow cattle to continue farting and him to keep his job.

The Coalition have agreed he should have some latitude in negotiations with Kevin and Penny but have stipulated that the first fart to go should be him.
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The good news keeps on coming. Sydney’s M2 tollway will be widened by 2015, John and Belinda are back together and there are a number of positions vacant on Kevin’s personal staff. No wonder asylum seekers are so keen to come here.
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What a mistake Kevin made in sending Brendan Nelson to Brussels. He should have made him Admiral Lord Nelson and sent him to repel the people smugglers’ armada.
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It’s difficult to understand why there’s so much fuss about global warming. It’s only a matter of degrees.

Standout NSW road developments in the modern era include the alternate three-lane two-lane design for the F3 which is capable of creating interminable delays even on light traffic days, the cross-city tunnel which made Sydney very cross indeed and the M5 tunnel with the endemic characteristics of gridlock and toxic shock.

The people responsible for these breath-taking initiatives have never received the acclaim they deserve for their role in promoting the use of public transport. Unfortunately their achievements have been overshadowed by the extraordinary contributions from NSW public transport executives to promoting travel by car.

During peak traffic periods it costs twenty times more to drive across the Sydney Harbour Bridge than it did thirty years ago. That means the government is compounding its failure to provide sufficient trans-harbour road capacity by charging a congestion toll. This is like the Sydney Football Stadium not providing enough entrances and charging extra for queuing.

Motorists have become a prime government cash cow. The NSW Government recently reduced the demerit point dump on erring motorists realising that if too many are disqualified from driving at the same time they could go broke.

The autobahns in Germany are arguably still the nearest anyone’s come to building safe high-speed motorways. It’s a pity the NSW Roads and Traffic Authority didn’t have the vision in the nineteen-thirties to employ Hitler as their Roads Development Officer.

Both Morris Iemma and Nathan Rees have been guilty of driving NSW Roads and Traffic policy without due care and attention when following a Carr.

Following the huge build-up in traffic congestion and the realisation that the North-West Metro is nothing more than a ghost train, inhabitants of Sydney’s North-Western suburbs are facing the reality that the only way they can commute to the CBD is by taking up marathon running.

There is a growing sense in the community that the traffic light system in Sydney is controlled by a terrorist organisation. In most cities traffic lights are regulated to facilitate traffic flow. In Sydney they are regulated to make motorists stop and waste as much time as possible. This is thought to be a new terrorist tactic to break the will of the community by inculcating utter despair. Traffic lights may have become the new terrorist IEDs, insidious extended delayers.

Motorists can look forward to vehicles which reach a maximum speed of 40kph powered by olive oil and speed cameras becoming redundant. The cameras will be replaced by carbon emissions detectors which will impose merciless fines on motorists whose vehicles leave carbon tyreprints.

As the federal and state governments bicker over which of them is more culpable for the condition of the NSW roads infrastructure they can take heart that when they finally bring all traffic in the state to a gridlocked standstill they will receive acclaim for a traffic calming programme which is the envy of the world.