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Sorry won’t fix our hospitals - Friday, March 12th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

12th March 2010

Dear Mr President,

On the whole I think Kevin’s had a slightly better week.

He’s stopped apologising and gone into hospitals. I think he went in for an operation to remove Peter Garrett but it only seems to have been partially successful.

Hopefully his minders will stop him doing tours of the wards.  He’s got the bedside manner of a bedpan.

I must say that much as I love him there are times when I feel like giving Kevin a really good shake. Just as he gets out from under roofs falling in on him he                       goes and picks a fight with the state premiers over hospitals.

Mind you I think Kevin’s on the right track.  Your chances of survival in a NSW hospital are roughly equivalent to those of a suicide bomber on a second mission.

The NSW state premier is a lovely woman, one of your mob from Toledo Ohio.  I’m sure she doesn’t know an enema from a seminar but she’s really got her knickers in a twist about Kevin’s hospitals plan.  And if it turns into a beauty contest with Kristina things could really turn ugly for Kevin.

Its been reported that Kevin is not going abroad much this year.  I think that’s because he’s going to spend much more time in church praying to Mary MacKillop.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if Kevin was her third miracle.

Now I know its only a week or two before you arrive here but we thought it would be really useful for you if the World Affairs Think Tank came up with some great ideas for your address to the joint session of the Australian Parliament.  Hopefully you’ll have enough time to slot our stuff in.

Our Mavis’ Bert’s brother Fred thought you should have a devastating response ready if Bob Brown interrupts you just like he interrupted George W.  He suggested ‘Shut up you Tassie tree-hugger.  They serve wood chips like you at McDonalds’.

Marge said you should remind our pollies that there’s as much chance of insulating Australia’s economy from the global financial pressures as there is of insulating Australia from the second go at the home insulation scheme.

Cyril suggested you could significantly boost Kevin’s morale by explaining how much deeper you’ve led the US into the financial doodoo  compared with us.

Mildred wanted you to tell our Parliament to be ready to take over as the most powerful nation in the world in case your country drops its bundle.  She said it was important to for us to step in ahead of China because they if they got too much power they might intern Kevin for speaking Chinese with a Canberra accent and stop us bowling chinamen.

Joyce said that if you wanted to raise a laugh you could tell our parliamentarians you saw more of Kevin last year than they did.

I expressed the hope that you will give Kevin a real rap because he really needs it.  And whatever you do don’t mention the ETS or Kevin getting pissed in a New York nightclub.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Understanding Australian Ways - Friday, February 19th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

19th February 2010

Mr President,

I can’t tell you how excited we all are about your visit. Marge almost had to go to emergency last week because she was overheating.

The mayor is standing by and thinks he can get the day off if you can find time to visit Beauthaven. We haven’t heard back from your social secretary yet so perhaps you could jog her memory.

Instead of our usual World Affairs Think Tank this week the Club put on a Sarah Palin Roast and Half-Price Beer Night. It was a huge success but I think Neville got a bit upset about some of the things they said about Sarah because he fancies her just like Hillary. He once told me I was the same type as Sarah. Next thing he’ll be inviting me out moose-shooting.

I’m really excited that the Club picked up four new members at the Roast but I‘m not convinced we’ll keep them once the beer goes back to full price.

The committee thought it would be useful if I passed on a few tips about Australia to help you plan your trip. I know the embassy in Canberra will be briefing you but its not like they live in Australia.

Now I know you’re used to flying into major capital cities like London and Washington. Flying into Canberra may be a bit of a shock. Don’t be surprised if it seems like you’re flying into Kevin’s country estate instead.

The airport building is about half as big as Air Force One. In fact while you’re there some people might mistake it for the airport building.

Canberra’s not what you’d call a shopper’s paradise. If Michele wants to do any shopping here I suggest you drop her off in Sydney and I’ll show her round.

Mildred suggested I reassure you that it will be quite safe to go into the Australian Parliament because Peter Garrett hasn’t insulated the roof.

By the way there’s a whole lot of Afghans and Sri Lankans in Indonesia who are trying to get into Australia. When you call in there make sure your security guys are on the lookout for potential stowaways on Air Force One. It wouldn’t be a good look if you disembarked in Sydney with a bunch of asylum seekers.

You might have to be sprayed by the immigration authorities before you land in Canberra but usually they only spray septics who are Republicans.

I know you’ll have a great time in Canberra chatting up Kevin and Julia. They’re such lovely people. And I know you’ll do your best to be polite when you meet Tony Abbott and Joe Hockey; don’t be surprised if Joe’s dressed as Tinkerbell. And if Barnaby Joyce tells you to ‘bugger off’ that’s only the Nationals way of trying to be matey.

Oh and don’t be surprised by the Federal Parliament Building being partly underground. They designed it that way to conceal the fact that our politicians have got their heads buried in the sand.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Trillions in Debt but KRudd will provide stimulus - Friday, February 5th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

5th February 2010

Dear Mr President,

I was having a cup of tea with Marge when all of a sudden they announced your March visit on the telly. We couldn’t believe it. Marge was so overcome she almost had an accident.

We haven’t got word on your schedule yet and heaven forbid we seem presumptive but you know you’ll get a wonderful welcome at the world’s first Obama Fan Club whether it’s for a keynote address or a cup of tea; but definitely not a Tea Party.

I’ll be in touch with your appointments secretary within the next week or two. It’s so exciting.

I know you’re a few trillions in the red at the moment so while you’re here don’t hesitate to tap Kevin for a stimulus package. I’m sure you qualify.

Tony Abbott’s just released his new carbon emissions reduction plan. I think its something he cooked up over the Christmas holidays. What a cheek to claim he’s got a package as good as the ETS which Kevin and Penny have been working on for years. I’m afraid we’re in for a long boring argument about who’s got the biggest and the one which emits less smoke.

By the way I’ve just checked and the RSL memorial hall will almost certainly be available during your visit. We could fit in a hundred and seventy-five at a pinch with a cup of tea and egg and lettuce sandwiches and Fred is confident he could arrange a tour of the local meatworks.

The Club’s World Affairs Think Tank has been worried about your Iran problem for some time. Bombing the place would not be a good look so soon after scoring the Nobel Peace Prize. So we devoted our session this week to creating alternative strategic tactics to dissuade Ahmadinejad from going ballistic and nuclear.

Fred made a very thoughtful first contribution to a Think Tank session. He was strongly in favour of stuffing up Iran completely by holding the next climate change conference there.

Mildred thought Ahmadinejad craved recognition. She suggested you invite him over to the White House and present him with a major international award like the World’s Worst Dressed President.

Our Mavis’ Bert had a brilliant idea. We should arrange an exchange agreement between the Iranian Government and the NSW Government. Ahmadinejad could advise the NSW Government on vote rigging techniques for the 2011 election and in return they could apply their North-West Metro project development model to his nuclear programme. That should put it back at least twenty years.

Our Mavis thought that Ahmadinejad would feel a natural political affinity with the NSW Shooters Party.

Marge had the idea of the night. She reckoned that as Ahmadinejad was so keen on sponsoring terrorists the Pittsburgh Steelers offered him better value for money than Hamas. They’re always on the telly and they strike terror into everyone.

I was at a loss to sum up such brilliance. Please feel free to take your pick of any of these and don’t forget to give Hillary a comprehensive briefing.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Australia Day and Abbotts Peaching of Sanctity of Virginity - Friday, January 29th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

29th January 2010

Dear Mr President,

You’d love Australia Day. It’s the day when Australians behave the like they’re supposed to behave. Most of them would be arrested on any other day in the year. I had a wonderful time at the Beauthaven multicultural sausage sizzle and this year Neville managed to get home from the RSL without the assistance of the ambulance service or the police.

Nothing much happens in Australia during January. Kevin’s been at the MCG and SCG pretending he likes cricket and Tony Abbott’s been advising women to hang on to their virginity as long as possible presumably to give him time to get round them all.

I loved your quote about preferring to be an effective president for one term rather than a mediocre one for two. Stuffing up a country shouldn’t take any longer than four years. If George W had only taken that long we could already have had four more years to recover.

I had to laugh about that advertising campaign in the UK which poses the question who is the bigger terrorist you or Ahmadinejad. Apparently Ahmadinejad has already voted for you.

Papua New Guinea are undertaking an interesting social experiment. All the inmates have escaped from the prisons and so the rest of the population have locked themselves away. I hope it all turns out for the best because the joint wasn’t working the other way round.

Following Tony Abbott’s comments about virginity this week our World Affairs Think Tank debated one of the most profound social issues facing the world today “Should women retain their virginity until marriage?”

Gladys opened the debate with a resounding ‘yes’. She said that in her experience affairs were much more meaningful after marriage.

Our Mavis’ Bert strongly disagreed. He claimed that if virginity is left alone for too long it tended to go off so it should have a strict ‘use-by’ date.

Our Mavis said pre-marital sex has enabled her to break through the glass ceiling although swinging from chandeliers is not everyone’s cup of tea.

Cyril said that women don’t understand how valuable their virginity is until they put it up for auction on e-bay.

Marge expressed the strong view that women should lose their virginity around eighteen and regain it pre-marriage. They can do amazing things with botox these days.

Mildred claimed it all depended on a woman’s chosen career path. If aspirations leaned towards becoming a nun or headmistress of a girl’s school then virginity was a prime job qualification. On the other hand virginity would have severely handicapped her pathway to stardom as a Vegas lap dancer.

Arthur believed that male virginity was a papal fantasy and the Catholic Church would be a place where you could safely take children if priests could lose it responsibly like everyone else.

It was left to me to sum up this incredibly incisive and emotional exchange of views. I recalled that the loss of virginity was the most complex decision I’m ever likely to make in the back set of a car. I stressed that in making such a decision a woman had to be absolutely clear about what sort of position it could get her into.

I’ll bet you don’t get this sort of stimulating social stuff from anywhere else.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Hillary cancels and everyone loves Willy - Thursday, January 21st, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

22nd January 2010

Dear Mr President,

We’re all so disappointed. Hillary canceled her visit to Australia. It’s such a shame. We even had the local mayor lined up for an official welcome.

We’re not sure whether she had to go and sort out another disaster in world affairs or in Bill’s affairs.
It was too late to invite Prince William to take her place. Lovely young fellow he is. I’d marry him myself if it wasn’t for Neville and the fact that I’m already Queen of the Beauthaven Beer Festival.

What on earth’s going on in your country? Fancy calling poor old Harry Reid a racist. He isn’t even in the Republican Party.
Even I was accused of racism last week. I refused to let this friend of Gladys’ join the club. Its true he’s a Sri Lankan but he’s also an absolute arsehole.

You’re not going to believe this but Penny Wong’s already rabbiting on about a third go at passing the ETS legislation. Its like having to sit through one of Fidel Castro’s speeches for a third time. Can’t you find her a position measuring climate change in Northern Alaska?

I know you’ll be thrilled to hear that this week our World Affairs Think Tank tackled one of the most momentous questions facing Australia, ‘Should we become a republic’. It would have been lovely to have Prince William there to speak on behalf of his mother.

Marge reckoned it all depends on what sort of republic. We don’t want to become a banana republic or a republic like Germany and Russia which don’t seem to have any fun and start all the wars. She recognised that the US was also a republic which started wars but at least you seem to have a bit of fun.

Gladys thought it was a shame that the US was no longer a monarchy because we could have played you at cricket and you wouldn’t be wasting so much time in the shower.

Cyril said it would be great if Australia became a republic because Malcolm Turnbull could become President and it would stop him making a nuisance of himself.

Mildred believed that Australia should stay a monarchy with an Aussie royal family. All our royal talent like Princess Mary are having to go abroad because of a lack of opportunities back home.

Our Mavis’ Bert agreed with Mildred and said that even the Welsh Rugby team had its own Queen.

Mavis thought that Malcolm Fraser is qualified to become King of Australia because he’s such a right royal pain in the ass.

Arthur thought we should become a republic to avoid getting a Queen whose only qualification for the job was a propensity for sending Charles potty with passion.

I summed it all up brilliantly by pointing out that as the Obama Fan Club was dedicated to a Democrat there’s no way we can support Australia becoming Republican.

I’m so excited that we’re producing such good stuff for you.

Till next week.

Gaelene Woo
President

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Hillary coming down under, Bill in bush and Prince touring - Friday, January 15th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

15th January 2010

Dear Mr President,

I can’t tell you how excited we all are. We’ve just heard that Hillary is coming to Australia next week and would you believe Prince William is coming at the same time. It’s a good job she’s not a republican.

We obviously couldn’t invite both of them to address the Obama Fan Club during the same week, so we held an emergency meeting of the management committee and chose Hillary because she’s such a wonderful woman and so close to you.

I hope you don’t mind but we’ve sent her a direct message inviting her to our meeting on the nineteenth. She gets booked up so early and I dare say your ambassador Jeff Bleach has already booked her in for a nosh or two with Kevin.

We also told her to bring Bill along too if he’s coming with her. You may recall I told you that Mildred met Bill when she was a pole dancer in Vegas. If we can find a pole I’m sure he’d recognise her.

The Japanese are furious with Julia over whales. She’s doing the PM’s job while Kevin is away writing children’s books.

When it comes to whales there’s a huge cultural difference between the Aussies and the Japs. They believe they should be harpooned and eaten while we see them as cuddly creatures who deserve a better fate than being served as sashimi.

Julia’s thrown one of her headmistress wobblers telling the Japs to stop sinking the protesters’ boats which are trying to sink their whaling ships and suggesting more controversial places to stick their harpoons.

Meanwhile the Japs have told her in no uncertain terms to keep her nose out of it and you can understand why. It’s very large and pointed and would be a very effective substitute for a harpoon.

This week the Club’s World Affairs Think-tank debated whether the Copenhagen Conference had been any use at all.

Hilda said it was inspiring that delegates could still get their knickers in a knot about global warming when they were suffering from frostbite.

Gladys who’s never said anything before made a very critical contribution. She reckoned the Conference would have been a huge success if the other forty thousand delegates had just turned up for the last day like you. It was the previous ten days that caused all the problems.

Neville thought the conference in Mexico might go better because the climate will allow the delegates to demonstrate solar power and not just their wind power.

Mildred made a very astute observation. She reckoned there were too many people there. China and the US got distracted. All you need is a conference where those two agree to a reasonable reduction in emissions and the rest of us can carry on as usual.

I summed up the meeting by blaming Tony Abbott for the mess in Copenhagen. It was his fault the rest of the world didn’t get the chance to adopt Kevin and Penny’s ETS. Though perhaps they were not so inclined to be Penny foolish as pound wise.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Kevin: Our model leader - Thursday, January 7th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

8th January 2010

Dear Mr President,

I hope you and the family had a beaut time in Hawaii and are enjoying a preposterous New Year.

Neville and I went to watch the fireworks at Sydney Harbour on New Year’s Eve and I’m very pleased to report that crowd behaviour was much improved on last year and Neville wasn’t even moved along by the police let alone arrested.

Things in Australia have been pretty quiet since Copenhagen went up in smoke. Kevin’s hardly said a word and poor old Penny Wong’s been wheeled out to do the disaster relief. What a pity you couldn’t get to the Copenhagen shindig earlier to give Kevin a bit more wind power.

Now as you know I’m not a racist and we even have an Obama Fan Club member whose mother came from Vietnam, but I must say I was very proud of what Kevin said about immigrants the other day. You can read it below and I recommend you include it in your State of the Union address but don’t forget to substitute the US where it says Australia.

It was Peter Garrett’s turn this week to call Tony Abbott a sceptic, a disgrace and a neanderthal and I can quite understand that. But I do wish the Labor Party would stop ranting on about the ETS being the only way to save us from hell and damnation. They sound like our local vicar. If the ETS gets rejected a third time perhaps Kevin will take Holy Orders and try the power of prayer. I think he’d look lovely in a dog collar.

The Obama Fan Club has made an exciting New Year’s Resolution. We have decided that each week the Club will analyse a truly vital issue in world affairs and send you our conclusions in the weekly newsletter. I knew you’d be rapt because it’s going to be such a powerhouse of great ideas both for you and Hillary.

The issue we dug our teeth into this week was ‘Should Aussies go to Fiji for a holiday while Frank Brontemarina’s undemocratic mob are still in power?’

I was gobsmacked by the sheer intellectual impact we generated. The evening was sponsored by Fred’s Fiji Fantasy Fly-Aways who gave us free fried rice for two at the Nadi Chinese as a raffle prize.

Mildred opened the session by saying we should take no notice of Frank and just book our holidays as usual because if we don’t Treasure Island will go bust with or without him.

Marge thought we should go to Bali instead because she’d heard the terrorists there were democratically elected.

Hilda thought we should still go to Fiji but protest by painting anti-Frank slogans on our bodies and demonstrating naked on a beach. Neville thought that was a bigger threat to Fiji’s tourism than Frank.

I summed up the meeting expertly be saying that Aussies should only go to Fiji if we pay rock bottom packaged holiday prices in August and only drink Aussie beer instead of Fiji Bitter. That way we minimise the ready that Frank can get his hands on.

Brilliant don’t you think and if Al Gore’s right about sea levels Frank will soon have trouble keeping his head above water.

Don’t forget to pass this on to Hillary.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

Whole world Needs A Leader Like This!

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd - Australia

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

Separately, Rudd angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation’s mosques. Quote:

‘IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians. ‘

‘This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom’

‘We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society. Learn the language!’

‘Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.’

‘We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.’

‘This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, ‘THE RIGHT TO LEAVE‘.’

‘If you aren’t happy here then LEAVE. We didn’t force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.’

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Obama invited downunder to 1st Anniversary celebrations of Obama Fan Club - Friday, December 18th, 2009

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

18th December 2009

Dear Mr President,

Oh I do love Christmas don’t you? I experience a really warm feeling when I get Christmas cards from people I wouldn’t be seen dead with. Restores your faith in human nature really.

There’s only two things about Christmas that really bug me. I never receive presents half as decent as the ones I give away and I have to put up with Neville’s sister on Christmas Day. Talk about putting a damper on things she’s the only person I know who can make Christmas Day seem like a Parramatta loss in the Grand Final.

I was so proud when I saw you on TV accepting the Nobel Peace Prize with such a wonderful speech. I’d never understood before that to win the Peace Prize you have to be involved in a war or two.

We were going to send Marge to be the Club’s representative at the Copenhagen climate thing but we didn’t raise enough from our Big Barbie Blaze. She’s been suffering a lot from global warming recently although Neville thinks its hot flushes.

If you bump into Kevin in Copenhagen please tell him that we’re all missing him and hope he can find time to come back to Australia sometime in 2010.

I know you and Kevin will get it all sorted over there. I was really shocked to learn that Fiji could be under water by 2030 because it could really upset our holiday plans.

I’m not getting my hopes up that anything really meaningful will come out of Copenhagen. On TV it looks like the first day of the David Jones Stocktake Sale.

You’re not going to believe this but Tony Abbott has appointed Bronwyn Bishop and Philip Ruddock to the shadow cabinet. I thought tomb raiding was a serious offence in this country.

I haven’t heard back from you about the Obama Fan Club Christmas Party on the 22nd December so I’ll put you down as a no-show this year. Pity because Mildred’s cousin will be singing the Nun’s Chorus and she only does it every other year on account of her haemorrhoids.

At the Obama Fan Club Meeting last Tuesday it was agreed unanimously that I should invite you to come to the Club’s First Anniversary celebrations next August. I’m giving you plenty of warning because I know your diary sometimes fills up months ahead. We shall of course expect you to make a major address on something or other and I shall be inviting Kevin even though he’ll probably still be overseas.

I’ve sent you and the family a Club Christmas Card so I wont bang on about Merry Christmas and all that. And you wont be getting a Newsletter next week because I’ll get absolutely rotten at the Club Christmas Party. But if you need any info urgently over Christmas don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Till a week or two.

Gaelene Woo
President

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Obama receives Obama Fan Club’s Man of the Year award - Thursday, December 10th, 2009

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

11th December 2009

Dear Mr President,

I was so inspired by the Obama Fan Club meeting last Tuesday.

I am absolutely thrilled to tell you that you won our prestigious Man of the Year award. You polled fourteen votes, Kevin and Hillary got two each and Fred Hasking who married Mildred’s daughter got one. Anyone who is brave enough to take her on deserves a bit of recognition.

Congratulations. We’re sending off the official certificate today so you can tell your PR people that it’s ok to release the news to the worldwide media.

The main reason you got so many votes is that you’re the only national leader in history to send thirty thousand troops to war and receive the Nobel Peace Award all in the same month.

The Obama Fan Club committee have asked me to say they’re delighted that you have the honour of being the first recipient of the Man of the Year award but don’t expect it again next year because hopefully Kevin will do something half-decent at last. They recommend that the certificate should be placed next to the Nobel Peace Award in the Oval Office and could you please send us a photo of yourself standing beside them.

I was going to come over and present the certificate to you personally but it’s my son’s cricket final next week and I knew you’d understand.

Malcolm’s very narky about being chucked out as leader of the federal opposition. He thinks Tony Abbott’s climate change policy is like his budgie smugglers, a cover for not much at all really. Oh I’m being awful again.

Tony’s brought Bronwyn Bishop and Philip Ruddock back into the shadow cabinet, so there will be one or two retirement home vacancies.

You know me, I always vote Labor but I’m having second thoughts about the next state election. The Labor Party has thrown Nathan Rees out of the premier’s job and given it to Kristina somebody or other who comes from Ohio would you believe. Now as you know I’ve got nothing against Americans and she seems a reasonably decent sort but this was like you throwing out that Blago guy who was Governor of Illinois and appointing Malcolm Turnbull in his place. Not many people in Illinois would be keen on Malcolm. Come to think of it not many down here are keen on him either.

I quite liked Nathan. I know he was a garbo and all that but he did try to get rid of the rubbish. Unfortunately the rubbish got rid of him.

I can’t understand those women throwing themselves at Tiger Woods. When I was an alluring twenty something I never got in a scrum with league players, I was always not out overnight with cricketers and I never went for a drive with golfers. I only had one lapse when I had it away with a soccer player and at home as well if I remember correctly.

Have a lovely trip to Oslo to pick up your gong and also to Copenhagen to help Kevin save the world. Could you please not do anything drastic about global warming until after February because I’m really enjoying the summer.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Newsletter from Australia - Friday, November 27th, 2009

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

27th November 2009

Dear Mr President,

I’m beside myself with excitement. This is the most thrilling week ever in Australian politics.

Kevin desperately wants the ETS passed by parliament this week so he can go to Copenhagen and do a world-class grandstand as the leading global carbon reducer.

Penny Wong and Ian MacFarlane were locked away together for weeks trying to come up with an ETS that the Coalition would pass in the senate. Neville thinks they’ve been carbon dating. Then on Monday they came back with an agreed plan and the fun started.

Kevin and his cabinet rubber-stamped it, Malcolm bullied it through the shadow cabinet, then he took it to the Coalition partyroom for approval, then the emissions hit the fan, half the members told him to go and stick it up his you-know-what, the other half supported him and Kevin, half wanted his head, half wanted him to stay, then after seven hours some stick-it-up-your-you-know-what senators left the partyroom and Malcolm immediately declared a majority in favour of the ETS and the Kevin, then all hell let loose with members accusing him of cheating and not being able to count and being a mate of Kevin and then the following day there was a spill and a nobody called Kevin-something-or-other challenged Malcolm for the leadership and lost – you cant have two party leaders called Kevin – and so its all back to square one again. I know you’ll be as rapt as I am.

I immediately called an emergency meeting of the Obama Fan Club Committee on Domestic Politics and we framed some intriguing questions. Will the Coalition still be able to stop the ETS in the senate? Will half the Coalition including Malcolm leave and join the Labor Party? Will Kevin triumph in Copenhagen? Will he make Malcolm his ETS tsar? Oh this is so exciting.

I’m so proud of Kevin. Who knows whether the ETS will actually do any good but he’s so lovely to watch.

It’s difficult not to feel a bit sorry for Malcolm. He’s dug himself into deep doodoo simply because he’s doing his best to support Kevin and now he’s leading a Coalition of three parties, the Nationals and two Liberal Parties. I could even get round to liking him but I’ll have to think about it.

You’re not going to believe this but I used to be a bit of a climate change sceptic. However what with Kevin and Malcolm agreeing about an ETS and the hot weather we’ve been having recently I’m ordering some solar panels next week.

I’ll bet you’re like me, you can’t wait to see what happens to the ETS in the senate. You’ll just have to be patient for another week to read another fantastic newsletter exclusive.

I’m so wrapped up in Kevin becoming the carbon reduction king in Copenhagen, I haven’t even had time to enjoy the political sex scandal in South Australia.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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