Posts Tagged ‘Obama Fan Club’
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
11th June 2010
Dear Mr. President,
Look we quite understand why you had to can your visit to Australia again so don’t be embarrassed will you.
Frankly its not a good time for Kevin. He’s in a terrible tizz at the moment about whether he should run the mining industry or whether they should run him.
If you ask me I think it will end up with Kevin being undermined. Sorry, I just can’t help myself sometimes.
Kevin’s problem is he’s getting a bit stale. He hasn’t been overseas since Copenhagen – I think that put him off junkets – but the longer he stays in Australia the more his poll numbers go down.
Perhaps you could invite him over for a gabfest in Washington. It would freshen him up a bit and he’s good at talking. It’s only when he tries to do things that the rot seems to set in.
He might be able to help you with all that glug in the Gulf of Mexico caused by British Petroleum or Pommy Petrol as we call them over here.
Admittedly he’s pretty hopeless at cleaning up his own messes but he might have better luck with somebody else’s.
The latest poll numbers look so bad for Kevin that there’s talk of Julia or Tony Abbott getting the job.
Neville said that if Tony becomes prime minister it would be like a hooker being appointed Minister for Social Services.
Julia’s such a wonderful woman but somehow I don’t see her as another Kevin. Truth to tell I’m a bit thingy about women lawyers. And what’s more she was a young Trotskyite who came from South Wales. I’m not holding all that against her of course but I’m surprised by her views on the super profits tax because she came over here as a miner.
Our Mavis’ Bert thinks she’ll become prime minister because she’s got more sex appeal than Kevin. Bert’s always had strange tastes in women though. You should see our Mavis.
Marge doesn’t like her health policies and questioned the position she’ll take with dentists. Fred said she’ll lie back and open her mouth like everyone else.
Albert said it would be like having Madam Lash as prime minister. But he’d line up for a spanking don’t you worry.
Mildred said it would be great to have a prime minister who is single because then we’d be clear about who’s running the country.
Mavis thought it would be lovely to have Julia in the Lodge with her partner the haircare specialist. When they entertain you and Michelle he could give her a rinse and blow-dry and she could give you a few hairy moments.
My view it that if Kevin fails to mine the super profits tax his poll numbers will fall faster than a cage down a mineshaft. On the other hand if Julia doesn’t fix the BER mess she’ll be sent back to school for lessons in an uncovered outside learning area during a snowstorm.
You know what I think? You should make that trip over here as soon as possible. After a few days with Kevin, Julia and Tony you’ll even look forward to getting back to that Pommy Petrol problem.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: BER, British Petroleum, Coperhagen, Gaelene Woo, Julia Gillard humour, Kevin Rudd satire, Madam Lash, Obama Fan Club, Obama satire, super profits tax, Tony Abbott satire
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
28th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I’m terribly worried abut Wayne. He’s come up with this budget which all depends on gouging squillions out of the mining industry and I think he’s totally stuffed it.
This Hooray Henry bloke did a review of the Aussie Tax System and comes up with a hundred and thirty odd recommendations to reduce the number of taxes and one to introduce a new one. And so what do you think Wayne does? You’ve guessed it. He ignores the one hundred and thirty odd recommendations but introduces the new tax.
Even Tony Abbott could see that was asking for trouble let alone Blind Freddie.
Wayne is promising to do all sorts of wonderful things on corporate tax and super and save us from debt with money he hasn’t got and doesn’t look like getting. It’s like me promising to buy Neville a brewery from my winnings when the Eels win the premiership in September.
I can’t believe dear Kevin agreed to all this. He must have been smoking something.
Believe me I’m not a fan of the mining companies, but if Wayne carries on with this super profits thing they’ll soon be exporting themselves rather than iron ore.
Then a crack will appear in Wayne’s bottom line and he’ll start crapping over all of us.
I think Kevin and Wayne are actually trying to kibosh Western Australia because they’ve got a state Liberal Government who won’t cough a third of their GST to Kevin for hospitals. They’re worried that if they don’t slow down the mining industry over there the WA economy will soon be bigger than the rest of Australia.
The threat of the new mining tax has sent the Aussie dollar plunging. Wayne has single-handedly already increased the cost of our Fiji holiday by ten percent. I feel like sending him the bill.
Then he has the absolute gall to say that his super profits tax will be good for the mining industry because it will slow things down. I mean doesn’t the clown understand it will also slow his super tax receipts down? I think Wayne’s losing it.
I’ve written a letter to Kevin suggesting that Wayne should have some time off to export himself to China.
We discussed the super profits tax at the Obama Fan Club this week. Marge who is an even bigger Kevin supporter than I am thinks that Wayne’s doing all this because he goes on holiday to Noosa and the falling dollar doesn’t affect him.
Mavis’ cousin works down a mine and says if Kevin is right and our minerals belong to all Australians why won’t they let him take home his share every night?
Albert thinks Wayne is a financial genius and compared with Albert he probably is.
I feel so strongly about it that I’ve also written to Kevin warning him that a super profits tax will put an end to super profits. Although I must say that if Twiggy Forrest’s bank balance becomes as slim as that other Twiggy it won’t fuss me too much.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, China, falling Australian dollar, Gaelene Woo, GST, Henry Tax Review, hospitals, Kevin Rudd, Liberal Government, mining tax, Obama Fan Club, super profits tax, Tony Abbott, Twiggy Forrest, Wayne Swan
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
14th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I don’t know whether you’ve met Wayne Swan but I’ve always thought he was not a bad sort of bloke and I loved the way he used to stick it up John Howard and Peter Costello.
He seemed to me like a poor man’s Kevin, although the way Kevin’s travelling at the moment he’ll soon become a poor man’s Wayne.
There’s always been something about Wayne that I’ve never quite sussed. It’s not so much he’s a Swan with duck’s disease because I’ve got nothing against small men but I’ve always found him just a bit too bumptious and a little too much of the try-hard. Know what I mean?
But his budget this week changed all that. He’s been promoted to my A list.
It’s obvious to people like me who are students of politics that this was the first Australian budget developed in cooperation with the Chinese. Wayne cleverly got them to underwrite his budget by persuading them to buy mountains of iron ore without a discount.
And the Chinese don’t mind about Wayne pocketing most of the miner’s profits because they’re pissed at having to pay them a packet for iron ore when all they do is dig it out of the ground.
I daresay as a reciprocal gesture Wayne is helping the Chinese government sort out their budget and Kevin’s translating all his stuff. What a team.
Wayne did rabbit on a bit about how Australia’s economic resurgence is all thanks to him and Kevin. You’d think he’d give a bit of the credit to China.
This new arrangement means if the budget turns out to be a monumental disaster Wayne can blame China as well as John Howard.
Source: SMH
Actually Wayne does have a fallback position even if the bucks from China dry up. He could increase the price of smokes by ten dollars and put a picture of himself on each packet with the slogan ‘Not smoking can cause the Treasurer a heart attack’.
One thing I could kiss Wayne for is reducing those interminable hours I have to spend on tax returns. I have to do all ours since Neville was fined for making a false declaration. He claimed his Eels season ticket was a charitable contribution to the disabled.
Wayne promised the budget will be in surplus in three years but I hope the Chinese understand what he’s letting them in for.
A word of advice in case you’re intending to ask for a loan when you come here next month. I don’t think Wayne will have any spare until he starts excavating it from the mining companies. I’d advise going direct to China like you usually do.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Chinese Government, cigarette tax, Eels, Federal Budget, Gaelene Woo, iron ore, John Howard, Obama Fan Club, Peter Costello, President of US, President of USA, US President, Wayne Swan
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
24th April 2010
Dear Mr. President,
The Obama Fan Club wanted me to tell you how thrilled we all are about your successes in healthcare and nuclear disarmament. We passed a resolution at Tuesday’s meeting congratulating you on meeting our expectations. We’ll send you a copy of the minutes for framing.
A motion by some misguided loon that we should change our name to the Rudd Fan Club was defeated 23-1. We love Kevin but he’s not in your class.
It was the unanimous view of Club members that the World Affairs Think Tank should address the asylum seeker crisis in Australia because its such a worry. I knew you’d be interested and I’ll send our conclusions to Kevin who doesn’t seem to be any better after spending so much time in hospitals.
As the Think Tank chairperson I warned members against using racist remarks or making racist accusations during the session. That was my job.
Madge got us going with a particularly incisive address. She said it was an absolute disgrace that people smugglers were making so much money out of asylum seekers. If we just sit back and let it happen one day they’ll have enough money to buy a cruise ship big enough to ferry thousands at a time from Indonesia to Christmas Island. Or perhaps they’ll just lease the Oceanic Viking.
Our Mavis’ Bert reckoned Australia should tax the people smugglers to pay for Christmas Island.
Mavis asserted that Kevin was right to hold Sri Lankan and Afghan asylum seekers in detention pending a decision to send them home where all is peace and serenity. Her brother reckons there’s no Tea Parties in Sri Lanka and her nephew is in Afghanistan fighting the Taliban and hasn’t been shot or anything.
Eunice believed that asylum seekers suffer from the delusion that Australia is a sort of paradise or a Kevin07 heaven.
Mildred said she couldn’t cope with the current level of multiculturalism let alone making it more complicated. She’s still trying to understand Aboriginal reconciliation and always gets wind from Chinese food.
Marj thought the asylum seeker detention centres are ghastly places just like the motel her uncle runs in Albury.
Elsie said we should stop all immigration immediately. They bring in more carbon footprints, need extra hospital beds which Kevin can’t afford and goodness knows how many extra COLAs their kids will need at a million bucks a throw.
Neville said he was disappointed that Kevin’s new policy had failed to attract boatloads of hot sheilas to seek asylum here.
I summed up by saying that first we need to tackle the people smugglers issue. We should only accept asylum seekers brought in by Aussie people smugglers because we could trust them.
Then we should concentrate on giving priority to asylum seekers who are good looking, potential Eels supporters and Labor voters. They’d have no problems integrating round here.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Aborigines, Afghan, Afghanistan, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, COLA, detention centres, hospital plan, hospitals, hot sheilas, Indonesia, Kevin 07, Kevin Rudd, Obama Fan Club, Oceanic Viking, people smugglers, President of USA, Taliban, US President, World Affairs Think Tank
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 1 Comment »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
12th March 2010
Dear Mr President,
On the whole I think Kevin’s had a slightly better week.
He’s stopped apologising and gone into hospitals. I think he went in for an operation to remove Peter Garrett but it only seems to have been partially successful.
Hopefully his minders will stop him doing tours of the wards. He’s got the bedside manner of a bedpan.
I must say that much as I love him there are times when I feel like giving Kevin a really good shake. Just as he gets out from under roofs falling in on him he goes and picks a fight with the state premiers over hospitals.
Mind you I think Kevin’s on the right track. Your chances of survival in a NSW hospital are roughly equivalent to those of a suicide bomber on a second mission.
The NSW state premier is a lovely woman, one of your mob from Toledo Ohio. I’m sure she doesn’t know an enema from a seminar but she’s really got her knickers in a twist about Kevin’s hospitals plan. And if it turns into a beauty contest with Kristina things could really turn ugly for Kevin.
Its been reported that Kevin is not going abroad much this year. I think that’s because he’s going to spend much more time in church praying to Mary MacKillop. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if Kevin was her third miracle.
Now I know its only a week or two before you arrive here but we thought it would be really useful for you if the World Affairs Think Tank came up with some great ideas for your address to the joint session of the Australian Parliament. Hopefully you’ll have enough time to slot our stuff in.
Our Mavis’ Bert’s brother Fred thought you should have a devastating response ready if Bob Brown interrupts you just like he interrupted George W. He suggested ‘Shut up you Tassie tree-hugger. They serve wood chips like you at McDonalds’.
Marge said you should remind our pollies that there’s as much chance of insulating Australia’s economy from the global financial pressures as there is of insulating Australia from the second go at the home insulation scheme.
Cyril suggested you could significantly boost Kevin’s morale by explaining how much deeper you’ve led the US into the financial doodoo compared with us.
Mildred wanted you to tell our Parliament to be ready to take over as the most powerful nation in the world in case your country drops its bundle. She said it was important to for us to step in ahead of China because they if they got too much power they might intern Kevin for speaking Chinese with a Canberra accent and stop us bowling chinamen.
Joyce said that if you wanted to raise a laugh you could tell our parliamentarians you saw more of Kevin last year than they did.
I expressed the hope that you will give Kevin a real rap because he really needs it. And whatever you do don’t mention the ETS or Kevin getting pissed in a New York nightclub.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Bob Brown, China, ETS, George Bush, George W Bush, Greens, healthcare, home insulation scheme, hospitals, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, Mary MacKillop, McDonalds, NSW Premier, Obama Fan Club, Peter Garrett, President of US, Sorry, suicide bomber, Toledo Ohio
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
19th February 2010
Mr President,
I can’t tell you how excited we all are about your visit. Marge almost had to go to emergency last week because she was overheating.
The mayor is standing by and thinks he can get the day off if you can find time to visit Beauthaven. We haven’t heard back from your social secretary yet so perhaps you could jog her memory.
Instead of our usual World Affairs Think Tank this week the Club put on a Sarah Palin Roast and Half-Price Beer Night. It was a huge success but I think Neville got a bit upset about some of the things they said about Sarah because he fancies her just like Hillary. He once told me I was the same type as Sarah. Next thing he’ll be inviting me out moose-shooting.
I’m really excited that the Club picked up four new members at the Roast but I‘m not convinced we’ll keep them once the beer goes back to full price.
The committee thought it would be useful if I passed on a few tips about Australia to help you plan your trip. I know the embassy in Canberra will be briefing you but its not like they live in Australia.
Now I know you’re used to flying into major capital cities like London and Washington. Flying into Canberra may be a bit of a shock. Don’t be surprised if it seems like you’re flying into Kevin’s country estate instead.
The airport building is about half as big as Air Force One. In fact while you’re there some people might mistake it for the airport building.
Canberra’s not what you’d call a shopper’s paradise. If Michele wants to do any shopping here I suggest you drop her off in Sydney and I’ll show her round.
Mildred suggested I reassure you that it will be quite safe to go into the Australian Parliament because Peter Garrett hasn’t insulated the roof.
By the way there’s a whole lot of Afghans and Sri Lankans in Indonesia who are trying to get into Australia. When you call in there make sure your security guys are on the lookout for potential stowaways on Air Force One. It wouldn’t be a good look if you disembarked in Sydney with a bunch of asylum seekers.
You might have to be sprayed by the immigration authorities before you land in Canberra but usually they only spray septics who are Republicans.
I know you’ll have a great time in Canberra chatting up Kevin and Julia. They’re such lovely people. And I know you’ll do your best to be polite when you meet Tony Abbott and Joe Hockey; don’t be surprised if Joe’s dressed as Tinkerbell. And if Barnaby Joyce tells you to ‘bugger off’ that’s only the Nationals way of trying to be matey.
Oh and don’t be surprised by the Federal Parliament Building being partly underground. They designed it that way to conceal the fact that our politicians have got their heads buried in the sand.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Air Force One, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Hillary Clinton, Joe Hockey, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Michele Obama, Obama Fan Club, Peter Garrett, Sarah Palin, Tony Abbott
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
5th February 2010
Dear Mr President,
I was having a cup of tea with Marge when all of a sudden they announced your March visit on the telly. We couldn’t believe it. Marge was so overcome she almost had an accident.
We haven’t got word on your schedule yet and heaven forbid we seem presumptive but you know you’ll get a wonderful welcome at the world’s first Obama Fan Club whether it’s for a keynote address or a cup of tea; but definitely not a Tea Party.
I’ll be in touch with your appointments secretary within the next week or two. It’s so exciting.
I know you’re a few trillions in the red at the moment so while you’re here don’t hesitate to tap Kevin for a stimulus package. I’m sure you qualify.
Tony Abbott’s just released his new carbon emissions reduction plan. I think its something he cooked up over the Christmas holidays. What a cheek to claim he’s got a package as good as the ETS which Kevin and Penny have been working on for years. I’m afraid we’re in for a long boring argument about who’s got the biggest and the one which emits less smoke.
By the way I’ve just checked and the RSL memorial hall will almost certainly be available during your visit. We could fit in a hundred and seventy-five at a pinch with a cup of tea and egg and lettuce sandwiches and Fred is confident he could arrange a tour of the local meatworks.
The Club’s World Affairs Think Tank has been worried about your Iran problem for some time. Bombing the place would not be a good look so soon after scoring the Nobel Peace Prize. So we devoted our session this week to creating alternative strategic tactics to dissuade Ahmadinejad from going ballistic and nuclear.
Fred made a very thoughtful first contribution to a Think Tank session. He was strongly in favour of stuffing up Iran completely by holding the next climate change conference there.
Mildred thought Ahmadinejad craved recognition. She suggested you invite him over to the White House and present him with a major international award like the World’s Worst Dressed President.
Our Mavis’ Bert had a brilliant idea. We should arrange an exchange agreement between the Iranian Government and the NSW Government. Ahmadinejad could advise the NSW Government on vote rigging techniques for the 2011 election and in return they could apply their North-West Metro project development model to his nuclear programme. That should put it back at least twenty years.
Our Mavis thought that Ahmadinejad would feel a natural political affinity with the NSW Shooters Party.
Marge had the idea of the night. She reckoned that as Ahmadinejad was so keen on sponsoring terrorists the Pittsburgh Steelers offered him better value for money than Hamas. They’re always on the telly and they strike terror into everyone.
I was at a loss to sum up such brilliance. Please feel free to take your pick of any of these and don’t forget to give Hillary a comprehensive briefing.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Ahmadinejad, Barack Obama, carbon emissions trading, Debt, ETS, Hamas, Hillary Clinton, Iran nuclear program, Kevin Rudd, Nobel Peace Prize, NSW Labor Government, NSW Shooters Party, Obama Fan Club, Penny Wong, Pittsburgh Steelers, President of USA, Tony Abbott, White House
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 9 Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
29th January 2010
Dear Mr President,
You’d love Australia Day. It’s the day when Australians behave the like they’re supposed to behave. Most of them would be arrested on any other day in the year. I had a wonderful time at the Beauthaven multicultural sausage sizzle and this year Neville managed to get home from the RSL without the assistance of the ambulance service or the police.
Nothing much happens in Australia during January. Kevin’s been at the MCG and SCG pretending he likes cricket and Tony Abbott’s been advising women to hang on to their virginity as long as possible presumably to give him time to get round them all.
I loved your quote about preferring to be an effective president for one term rather than a mediocre one for two. Stuffing up a country shouldn’t take any longer than four years. If George W had only taken that long we could already have had four more years to recover.
I had to laugh about that advertising campaign in the UK which poses the question who is the bigger terrorist you or Ahmadinejad. Apparently Ahmadinejad has already voted for you.
Papua New Guinea are undertaking an interesting social experiment. All the inmates have escaped from the prisons and so the rest of the population have locked themselves away. I hope it all turns out for the best because the joint wasn’t working the other way round.
Following Tony Abbott’s comments about virginity this week our World Affairs Think Tank debated one of the most profound social issues facing the world today “Should women retain their virginity until marriage?”
Gladys opened the debate with a resounding ‘yes’. She said that in her experience affairs were much more meaningful after marriage.
Our Mavis’ Bert strongly disagreed. He claimed that if virginity is left alone for too long it tended to go off so it should have a strict ‘use-by’ date.
Our Mavis said pre-marital sex has enabled her to break through the glass ceiling although swinging from chandeliers is not everyone’s cup of tea.
Cyril said that women don’t understand how valuable their virginity is until they put it up for auction on e-bay.
Marge expressed the strong view that women should lose their virginity around eighteen and regain it pre-marriage. They can do amazing things with botox these days.
Mildred claimed it all depended on a woman’s chosen career path. If aspirations leaned towards becoming a nun or headmistress of a girl’s school then virginity was a prime job qualification. On the other hand virginity would have severely handicapped her pathway to stardom as a Vegas lap dancer.
Arthur believed that male virginity was a papal fantasy and the Catholic Church would be a place where you could safely take children if priests could lose it responsibly like everyone else.
It was left to me to sum up this incredibly incisive and emotional exchange of views. I recalled that the loss of virginity was the most complex decision I’m ever likely to make in the back set of a car. I stressed that in making such a decision a woman had to be absolutely clear about what sort of position it could get her into.
I’ll bet you don’t get this sort of stimulating social stuff from anywhere else.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Ahmadinejad, Australia Day, Barack Obama, botox, Catholic Church, George Bush, George W Bush, Kevin Rudd, Obama Fan Club, Papua New Guinea, Tony Abbott, virginity
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
22nd January 2010
Dear Mr President,
We’re all so disappointed. Hillary canceled her visit to Australia. It’s such a shame. We even had the local mayor lined up for an official welcome.
We’re not sure whether she had to go and sort out another disaster in world affairs or in Bill’s affairs.
It was too late to invite Prince William to take her place. Lovely young fellow he is. I’d marry him myself if it wasn’t for Neville and the fact that I’m already Queen of the Beauthaven Beer Festival.
What on earth’s going on in your country? Fancy calling poor old Harry Reid a racist. He isn’t even in the Republican Party.
Even I was accused of racism last week. I refused to let this friend of Gladys’ join the club. Its true he’s a Sri Lankan but he’s also an absolute arsehole.
You’re not going to believe this but Penny Wong’s already rabbiting on about a third go at passing the ETS legislation. Its like having to sit through one of Fidel Castro’s speeches for a third time. Can’t you find her a position measuring climate change in Northern Alaska?
I know you’ll be thrilled to hear that this week our World Affairs Think Tank tackled one of the most momentous questions facing Australia, ‘Should we become a republic’. It would have been lovely to have Prince William there to speak on behalf of his mother.
Marge reckoned it all depends on what sort of republic. We don’t want to become a banana republic or a republic like Germany and Russia which don’t seem to have any fun and start all the wars. She recognised that the US was also a republic which started wars but at least you seem to have a bit of fun.
Gladys thought it was a shame that the US was no longer a monarchy because we could have played you at cricket and you wouldn’t be wasting so much time in the shower.
Cyril said it would be great if Australia became a republic because Malcolm Turnbull could become President and it would stop him making a nuisance of himself.
Mildred believed that Australia should stay a monarchy with an Aussie royal family. All our royal talent like Princess Mary are having to go abroad because of a lack of opportunities back home.
Our Mavis’ Bert agreed with Mildred and said that even the Welsh Rugby team had its own Queen.
Mavis thought that Malcolm Fraser is qualified to become King of Australia because he’s such a right royal pain in the ass.
Arthur thought we should become a republic to avoid getting a Queen whose only qualification for the job was a propensity for sending Charles potty with passion.
I summed it all up brilliantly by pointing out that as the Obama Fan Club was dedicated to a Democrat there’s no way we can support Australia becoming Republican.
I’m so excited that we’re producing such good stuff for you.
Till next week.
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, ETS, Fidel Castro, Harry Reid, Hillary Clinton, Malcolm Fraser, Malcolm Turnbull, Obama Fan Club, Penny Wong, President, President of USA, Prince Charles, Prince William, Princess Mary, Republican Party, The Queen
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Loading ...