Posts Tagged ‘Obama’
Obama’s healthcare bill is 2000 pages long. The only way it will benefit your health is by using it for weight training.
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Sarkozy has opened a debate on what it means to be French. Well for a start it is essential to have at least two affairs on the go, be consistently rude about English food and be ready to meet your Waterloo.
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Since June Kevin has been to gabfests with world leaders in Italy, US, Jakarta, India and Singapore with Copenhagen coming up in December. It’s taking him almost as much time to run the world as it takes him to run Australia.
It was a shock to hear recently that Kevin had been described as ‘delusional’. Surely this didn’t infer that he’s not actually running the world, he just thinks he is, and in fact he’s only running Australia. It’s nothing to worry about. A visit to the spin doctor should fix it.
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Australia immigration authorities must be worried about the chances of a swine flu outbreak on the Oceanic Viking. That would prevent the asylum seekers going to Indonesia or Christmas Island. The Guantanamo Bay inmates have had swine flu jabs so it would be ok to send them there.
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The UN Climate Change Conference should recognise that the diplomatic emissions in Fiji have caused a marked climate change.
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Nancy Pelosi is just two heartbeats away from the US Presidency. Heaven forbid Obama and Joe Biden share a heart-stopping experience.
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Prince Edward’s recent visit to Australia was very successful in reviving interest in the republican movement.
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The Sri Lankan judges who got gigs in Fiji have been banned from visiting Australia. Quite right too. They could be asylum seekers in disguise.
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Tags: asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, Climate Change, Copenhagen, French, Guantanamo Bay, India, Italy, Jakarta, Joe Biden, Kevin Rudd, Obama, Obama Healthcare, Oceanic Viking, Prince Edward, Sarkozy, Singapore, swine flu, UN, US
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
A politician’s promise is like a hooker’s embrace. They both offer a fleeting glimpse of paradise which comes at a cost.
The reality is that politician’s promises are fool’s gold. Yet within us all persists a faith that the world can be a better place and the latest political wannabe might just be the one to make it happen.
Politicians make promises safe in the knowledge that the electorate recognises the difference between dishonesty and political dishonesty. And let’s face it, if you’re not on a promise from anyone else then a politician’s is better than nothing.
Obama, however, was different. He promised he could change the world and the world believed in him to such a degree that he no longer seemed like a politician.
After all he was a community organiser from Chicago just like Al Capone who had an impressive track record of change and making everyone believe in it..
His promises were so overwhelmingly believable that he was awarded a Nobel Prize just for making them.
Since his election a year ago Obama has certainly brought about change. The economy has gone much further down the toilet and Obamacare seems likely to propel it all the way to the recycling plant.
The situation in Afghanistan has changed because Karzai has interpreted the concept of democracy to mean that he can cast as many votes as he likes.
In the past both Britain and Russia have failed to secure a satisfactory passage up the Khyber Pass. Obama is therefore taking his time to decide whether he should send forty thousand troops or an enema.
The world still awaits change at Gitmo. The inmates there were amongst the first to receive swine flu jabs from the US programme and they will undoubtedly be amongst the first to benefit from a vaccine effective against the terrorist epidemic.
Obama is yet to change Iran’s mind about nuclear ambitions. Advisers believe he should not hold discussions with Ahmedinejad until the job has driven him mad and there can be a true meeting of the minds.
His views on where the 2016 Olympics should be held obviously had a profound effect on the Olympic Committee. They agreed that Brazil should host them for the first time. Now there’s change you can believe in.
Obamacare will certainly bring about change. It promises to be an expensive pill to swallow with no guarantee of economic pain relief.
If climate change is the change we have to believe in then the ultimate way to address it could be through harnessing the intense solar energy shining out of the backsides of Obama and Al Gore.
The main change Obama has made which we can believe in is that he’s not George W Bush although that proposition is not entirely black and white.
Alas there’s one change which none of us wanted to believe in. Obama has become a politician just like all the rest of them.
Tags: Afghanistan, Ahmedinejad, Al Capone, Al Gore, Barack Obama, Britain, George Bush, George W Bush, Khyber Pass, Nobel Prize, Obama, Obama Healthcare, Obamacare, Olympics, President, President of USA, recycling, swine flu, US, Zarzai
Posted in International Affairs, Politics, Weekly Mash | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
6th November 2009
Dear Mr President,
One year ago this week since you were elected President. Congratulations.
Who would have thought that after such a short time you would be the toast of the world and have a fan club in Sydney Australia.
I’m even more excited about your prospects for next year when you actually start doing a few things.
I’ve just had such a shock. According to the latest Newspoll the Labor Party has dropped seven percentage points and they are now running neck and neck with the Coalition.
Kevin’s such a wonderful inspiration just like you and I can’t bear the thought of him being less popular than Malcolm.
Mind you I have to say that his recent rantings about asylum seekers have been like a madwoman’s midlife crisis. And as for the ETS he reckons we’ve got a choice between drowning and being burnt to death or losing our jobs and paying zillions more for electricity and everything. Drowning is beginning to look like the best option.
I was so worried I immediately called a meeting of the policy specialists in the Obama Fan Club. I hope you don’t mind the Club spending the time to help Kevin get his polling back up but if we don‘t act you could be dealing with Malcolm and he’s like a cross between Admedinnerdad and Sorenosey.
First of all we decided that he should immediately drop the Indonesian Solution for asylum seekers. His government has issued travel advisories for years warning people not to go to Indonesia yet he has sent the asylum seekers back there. It would be more humane to send them to North Korea or Somalia.
Next we came up with a masterstroke. Actually it was my idea.
Kevin should adopt the People Smugglers Solution. I’m amazed it hasn’t already occurred to him. We believe he should immediately fly out to Indonesia and negotiate with the people smugglers. After all they’re the ones who have been causing all the problems.
He should offer not to seize their vessels and arrest their crews on condition that they start using safe boats which don’t sink and employ crews with some idea where Christmas Island is. Further they should publish a return-trip schedule to Christmas Island, so the detention centre knows what to expect and when and how many extra port-a-loos they’re going to need.
If the people smugglers prove they can manage the timetables efficiently Kevin might offer them the contract to run state rail in NSW. Only kidding.
Stop press. The Fijians have thrown the Australian High Commissioner out of their country. They have appointed some Sri Lankans as judges in Suva and are nicked off that Australia has banned them from com ing here. Quite right too. They could be asylum seekers in disguise.
I sent our asylum seeker recommendations to Kevin on Wednesday. I haven’t heard back yet but he’ll probably phone over the weekend.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, Coalition, ETS, Indonesia, Kevin Rudd, Labor Party, Malcolm Turnbull, midlife crisis, Newspoll, North Korea, NSW State Rail, Obama, Obama Fan Club, people smugglers, President of USA, Somalia
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Climate change is the new religion. Al Gore is God, Obama is Jesus, Kevin’s an apostle, the Greens are the choir, Julia’s an angel, Barnaby Joyce is an atheist, Malcolm is Judas and Penny will be coming round with the ETS collection plate.
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When Jessica Watson arrives back in Australian waters after her round the world voyage authorities confirm there is every chance she will be intercepted and taken to Indonesia.
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Kevin is considering an inspired new concept for reducing the flow of asylum seekers, the NSW Government Solution; put State Rail in charge of timetables for people smuggler boats departing Indonesia.
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The huge number of Kiwis who have found an asylum in Bondi are proof of the success of the Australian Solution. Experts believe that after a year or two of the Indonesian Solution there could be a significant number of Aussies seeking the NZ Solution.
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Penny is reportedly planning to open a major carbon emissions trading centre. You simply bring along all the carbon emissions which are surplus to your quota and pay somebody else to take ownership of them. On the other hand if you are serious about reducing your carbon emissions apparently all you have to do is use less energy.
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It looks increasingly likely that Kevin will sub-contract Australian immigration operations to Indonesia. In the event that this is a success the next steps will be to sub-contract foreign affairs to North Korea and the ETS to the mining industry.
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One expert believes the person with the best solution for tackling climate change is yet to be born. Luckily there’s still six weeks left before the UN Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen.
Tags: Al Gore, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, carbon emissions trading, Climate Change, ETS, Indonesia, Jessica Watson, Jesus, Judas, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Kiwis, Malcolm Turnbull, New Zealand, North Korea, NSW Government, NZ, Obama, Penny Wong, UN
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
23rd October 2009
Dear Mr President,
I’m so proud of Kevin.
In our hour of darkness he has stood alone against the hordes of asylum seekers threatening our shores. He’s been tough, yet oh so humane.
I think that means he’s been tough on people smugglers yet humane towards asylum seekers. The trouble is the asylum seekers can’t get here without the people smugglers, so actually he’s been quite tough on them as well in a humane sort of way.
It’s difficult to understand why the asylum seekers don’t buy their own boat and sail it across themselves. I think Kevin would be a lot more humane about that as long as Christmas Island doesn’t get overbooked.
He’s also been very tough and humane with the Indonesians. He wants them to open a branch of Christmas Island over there to house the asylum seekers and persuade them to go to Malaysia or New Zealand.
The least they should do is open up an office in Jakarta where the asylum seekers can book accommodation on Christmas Island in advance. Then the place wouldn’t get overcrowded and Kevin wouldn’t have to rush emergency port-a-loos up there.
As most of the current asylum seekers seem to be coming from Sri Lanka, I think we should send them over to Tasmania. They haven’t got any Tassie Tigers left so they could get Tamil Tigers instead.
You’ll be interested to know that Kevin popped over for a chat with President Youknowwho this week. I’m sure they’ll sort something out even if we have to send port-a-loos, demountables and Julia’s school halls over there.
John Howard gave us the Pacific Solution but now Kevin gives us the port-a-loo solution. It just goes to show you how humane Kevin really is and that his policy for asylum seekers is not just a hole in the ground. He might even find a seat for Peter Dutton.
There is incredible excitement here about Malcolm’s amendments to the ETS. If you ask me Kevin and Penny will have a good laugh and tell him to shove his amendments up where the greenhouse has no effect.
Kevin’s very keen to do some ETS grandstanding in front of you and all the rest of the gang at that Copenhagen thing in December. But Malcolm is trying to deny him his place in the global warming sun by demanding a cooling off period.
By the way I hear you get your Peace gong in Oslo during December. Perhaps Kevin could pop over from the Copenhagen Conference for the presentation. It’s only just down the road and it would be good experience for him because I’ve recommended him to the Nobel crowd for a gong in 2010.
I read recently that you used to live in Indonesia. What a shame you didn’t catch an asylum seeker boat and come to live over here. I love Kevin dearly of course and don’t tell him I said this but I think you would have made an even better prime minister.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, cooling off period, Copenhagen, ETS, global warming, Indonesia, Jakarta, John Howard, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Malaysia, Malcolm Turnbull, New Zealand, Nobel Peace Prize, Obama, Obama Fan Club, people smugglers, Peter Dutton, port-a-loos, President, President of USA, Sri Lanka, Tamil Tigers, Tasmania, Tassie Tigers, Yudhoyono
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Government insiders believe Penny Wong plans to launch the ETS by sending a message on audio tape to CEOs which begins ‘Your emissions if you choose to accept them…’
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It has finally been revealed that Kim Jong-il had a stroke. Sadly for the rest of the world it obviously wasn’t a stroke of genius.
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Obama missed out on the Olympic bid, hasn’t closed Gitmo, is in a mess over health- care, his poll numbers are going down the tubes and don’t even mention the economy. And he can thank the outstanding lead-up work from George W Bush for his Nobel Peace Prize.
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There was a tsunami warning at a cricket match in NZ last week but fortunately it was only a Mexican Wave.
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It is critical that women who break through the glass ceiling ensure that no-one can look up their skirts.
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Malcolm’s ETS amendments may or may not be approved by the Coalition so they may or may not be passed on to Kevin and Penny who may or may not approve them so the Coalition may or may not vote for the ETS legislation and Malcolm may or may not resign.
Anyone for Hockey?
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It has now been proven that recessions are highly effective in reducing carbon emissions. The way ahead for Kevin has become perfectly clear. He should immediately end all stimulus and declare the ETS redundant.
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Kevin and Penny are pursuing carbon reduction with a kind of religious fervour. Next thing they’ll be sending out carbon emissionaries.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Coalition, Cricket, ETS, George Bush, George W Bush, Joe Hockey, Kevin Rudd, Kim Jong Il, Malcolm Turnbull, Noble Peace Prize, Obama, Penny Wong, tsunami
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Newsletter from Australia
The White House,
Washington DC
Dear Mr President,
I know you’re not going to believe this but Neville’s cousin who has an uncle in America got on the wrong plane last week and flew to Canberra by mistake.
That reminded me of something I’ve been meaning to tell you. When you fly into Canberra for the first time you’re in for a bit of a shock. It’s not like flying into Washington or London or the other world capitals. In fact you would be forgiven for thinking there’s a change of plan and you’re flying into Kevin’s private estate.
How on earth we got saddled with Canberra as our capital city is beyond me. The only saving grace about the place is that it’s full of politicians and public servants which keeps them away from the rest of us. It was all Melbourne’s fault. They understood that if Sydney took its rightful place as the capital city they would become a piddling backwater where you catch the ferry to Tasmania.
So we had to compromise on Canberra. That’s like the US trying to decide between Washington and LA and ending up with Acron, Ohio.
Don’t forget to tell the Air Force One crew to mind where they’re landing in Canberra because the plane is bigger than the airport. And you may have a bit of trouble finding the Australian Parliament because it’s located underground. That’s so our politicians will feel more at home.
If you want to do a bit of shopping while you’re here you could possibly try Melbourne. Queensland’s OK for sunbathing but if you really want an unbelievably great time in the world’s number one travel destination its got to be Sydney. By comparison Canberra is like an out of Australia experience.
You will be thrilled to know that the Obama Fan Club already has tentative plans for your first visit to Sydney. The RSL has virtually guaranteed us their ANZAC Memorial Hall for the occasion. It holds two hundred people but don’t worry I’m sure we can get the numbers. And our local church wants to know whether you do faith healing.
It’s amazing I know but in a recent poll sixty-one percent of Aussies still prefer Kevin as prime minister while only nineteen percent prefer Malcolm. Kevin’s such a wonderful man it wouldn’t surprise me if he was in the nineties. Personally I don’t think Malcolm’s all that bad really. He’s certainly better than that smirker Costello. Perhaps you could find him a job at the World Bank or General Motors.
Look I know your embassy in Canberra is still a bit short-staffed and hasn’t got an ambassador so don’t hesitate to ask for help if there’s important stuff on Australia that you’re not getting from them. I could even pop down and give them a day or two if they’re really stretched.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Air Force One, ANZAC, Barack Obama, General Motors, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Obama, Obama Fan Club, Peter Costello, President, President of USA, US, World Bank
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 1 Comment »
Newsletter from Australia
4th September 09
The White House,
Washington DC
Dear Mr President,
I love juicy political sex scandals don’t you?
We’ve got a real sizzler here in NSW. John Bossa Nova, the NSW Health Minister, has gone extra-marital and it’s turned out rather bad for his health. During his confession on TV he said the government would carry on the business of delivering services to the people of NSW. I hope I’m not going to get the sort of service he’s been delivering.
John’s not my type but I did have a bit of a crush on Hawkey, it must have been the power thing, and was devastated when he ran off with that Blanche al Peugeot.
Talk about hell hath no fury, John has scorned two extremely furious women. One has already busted his ass, and the other must be seriously considering kneecapping.
It seems that Kevin’s honeymoon with the Australian people is over but he’s still not reducing his stimulus package despite what the Liberals say. They’re just like my husband Neville. After our honeymoon was over he immediately dropped the level of his stimulus package.
At the Obama Fan Club meeting this week the motion condemning the Poms for sending that terrorist back to Colonel Gadfly was passed unanimously. I know Gordon Brown’s a Labor Prime Minister like Kevin but he really gives me the irrits. As I told you last week I think that too much porridge is part of his problem. The other part is that those are probably the only oats he gets. Oh I am awful sometimes.
Most days when I switch on the telly there are Kevin, Julia and Jenny Macklin inspecting cement mixers in hardhats and looking like real dills. Apparently this is all to convince us that something is actually happening because the number of school halls and houses for the aborigines built so far is a big fat zero.
It’s like you rushing round the US with a stethoscope round your neck before the healthcare thing has been passed. But you can come and listen to my chest anytime.
Would you believe it they’re just chucked Fiji out of the Commonwealth for not holding elections. What a shame, they’re such lovely people the Fijians and they’ll certainly miss the Queen going there every twenty years. And as I said to Neville it’s no good carrying on with elections if the wrong people always get elected.
Oh I almost forgot. The Club has got two new members who joined because they love the gear your wife is wearing. And there’s still a chance my mother will join after she gets over her swine flu and her crush on John Howard. Don’t know which is worse.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: John Della Bosca, John Howard, Obama
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Newsletter from Australia
28th August 09
The White House,
Washington D.C.
Dear Mr President,
Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear. It’s been a horror week for Australia, a fair dinkum national disaster.
We lost the Bledisloe Cup match against the All Blacks then would you believe it the Poms pinched the Ashes off us. That’s like the US baseball team losing to Iran and the US gridiron team being belted by Vanuatu.
The whole country is in mourning. if you were thinking of asking us for money or to send more troops to Afghanistan or to take in a Uighur or two from Gitmo I’d leave it a week or two if I were you.
The Obama Fan Club cancelled its weekly meeting on Tuesday to allow members time to grieve. My Neville was so upset he had to take a sickie.
I thought that Kevin might get on the telly to calm things down and shed a tear or two like Hawkey. But I don’t think he’s into sport all that much. It’s probably because he was chesty as a child. I have heard that when he was a young Labor activist he tried to bring the rugby union out on strike but that doesn’t sound like our lovely Kevin does it?
I can stand it when the Poms crow about beating us at cricket. I’m not a racist or anything but I’ve always thought they’re a bit up themselves. And would you believe it the Queen congratulated the Pommie team but she didn’t say a word to our brave lads. And they wonder why we want to become a republic.
The loss to the All Blacks means they keep the Bledisloe Cup for the seventh year running. I said at the time you can’t beat the All Blacks with a Kiwi coach but they wouldn’t listen. Still I don’t begrudge the Kiwis so much. If they don’t get any joy out of rugby they’re only got sheepdog trials to fall back on.
It you bump into Gordon Brown tell him not to get over-confident because I’m already practising Pommie sledging for their next tour here. I get worried about Gordon sometimes because he looks so crook. I think the Scots eat too much porridge and it gives them blockages.
I was gobsmacked when I heard the Chinese are going off Kevin. What on earth do they want for heavens sake? He speaks their language, his brother works in China and he’s got a Chinese son-in-law. I’ll bet they wouldn’t be satisfied even if he opened an opium den.
Hope you and the family are enjoying your hols this week. By the way I’m worried that Joe Biden wont know what to do with this newsletter when he gets it. Joe’s obviously a wonderful man but the Biden Fan Club will never be a heartbeat away from the Obama Fan Club.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Australian, English, Gordon Brown, Joe Biden, Kevin Rudd, Obama
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