Posts Tagged ‘Osama Bin Laden’
Story No. 31
‘Now then Barney’ said George ‘I need your advice on my Inauguration Speech. I was thinking about a triumphal address with the theme ‘bury Kerry and downwards with Edwards’
‘Come on George’ I said ‘this is no time to be vindictive. It calls for magnanimity in victory. Kerry and Edwards may be the biggest non-event since the Bay of Pigs but this is a time of healing to proclaim a presidency which will not only unite the peoples of America but of the whole world’
‘Good heavens’ said George ‘where on earth did you get that bullshit from? You must have been watching old Ronald Reagan B movies’
‘No George’ I said ‘it was part of my acceptance address when I was elected Chief Barker at the Top Dog Congress last year. Of course I was talking about dogs but I believe there’s no reason why people can’t also come together in a civilized way’
‘Don’t get me wrong here Barney’ said George ‘I’m talking about a speech which reinforces my reputation as leader of the free world’
‘Yes I know’ I said ‘but it’s a question of whether you want to come across as just having won the Denver dwarf-throwing final or the US Presidency’
‘I see what you mean’ said George ‘reconciliator rather than terminator’
‘Right on George’ I said ‘your theme should be leading the world to a new era of freedom and democracy’
‘I like it’ said George ‘no people will live under the yoke of tyranny while I’m in office’
‘Except’ I said ‘Al Qaeda, the Washington Press Gallery, the Clintons, North Korea, Iran, Al Gore, the Taliban, left wing loonies in Hollywood, Michael Moore and Don Rumsfeld’
‘Why Don Rumsfeld?’ Asked George
‘Because he’s too dangerous to allow out on his own’ I responded ‘and what’s more he’s a racist. I heard him tell someone that he didn’t like Scottish Terriers’
‘I shall reassure everyone who has lost their freedom’ said George ‘that I shall not rest until their democratic rights are restored’
‘What about the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay?’ I asked
‘Oh they’re different’ said George ‘they’re not people they’re terrorists’
‘Osama bin Laden and Nancy Pelosi don’t agree’ I said ‘and what about all those guys renditioned by the CIA to covert overseas arm-twisting centres?’
‘Well only because that sort of thing isn’t allowed in the US’ said George ‘You’re not on their side are you?’
‘No George’ I said ‘it’s just that when I see Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz together sometimes I need to remind myself that we’re on the side of the good guys’
‘Ok’ said George ‘so my Inauguration Speech will be about freedom and democracy for ninety-nine percent of people’
‘Ninety-eight point eight’ I said ‘I forgot that the Chicago Democrats are a terrorist organisation’
Tags: Al Gore, Al Qaeda, Bay of Pigs, Bill Clinton, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Chicago Democrats, CIA, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Guantanamo Bay, Hillary Clinton, Iran, John Edwards, John Kerry, Nancy Pelosi, Osama Bin Laden, rendition, Roger Pugh, Ronald Reagan, Taliban, Wolfowitz
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There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned political sex scandal to reawaken people’s interest in politics, to lend romance, intrigue and humanity to political life.
Alas it seems that political sex scandals are not what they used to be. Nowadays politicians seem to pursue them purely out of personal lust without regard to the greater good of the party. Besides there are no votes in them anymore unless pursued across a prohibitively wide spectrum of the electorate.
The accolade for the number one all-time political sex scandal must go to John Profumo, a UK Cabinet Minister in the MacMillan Government who bonked Christine Keeler concurrently with a KGB agent, and was married to top actress and good sort Valerie Hobson.
This political sex scandal had everything; glamour, spies, pillow talk, a film star, a pimp, upper class moral decay and a government crisis.
MacMillan’s famous quote ‘You’ve never had it so good’ has been attributed to the release of strong economic indicators. Some historians however believe it was addressed to John Profumo.
UK Conservative MPs were revealed regularly in romps with Madam Lash but those scandals ended summarily when Margaret Thatcher took over the role.
US politicians seem to lack the refinements required by the classic political sex scandal where sophistication and social graces are de rigueur unadulterated by tackiness and bad taste.
A US president shouldn’t be taking advantage of a young intern and its absolutely unacceptable for the Governor of New York to pay for it.
Berlusconi claims he’s never paid for it but he only makes news when he’s involved in sex-free political scandals. In France a bit on the side is as integral to the Presidency as a lot of front.
President Zuma of South Africa has achieved an interesting balance. He’s got so many official wives and girlfriends it’s impossible to tell whether he’s involved in a political sex scandal or not.
Source: SMH
Australia’s greatest political sex scandal was Gareth Evans’ text-book seduction of Cheryl Kernot into the Labor Party. The recent Troy Buswell – Adele Carles cross-party affair deserves honourable mention although it resulted in Troy coming out of the cabinet and Adele coming out of the Greens. In both cases a closet was obviously inappropriate.
John Della Bosca’s affair lacked the glamour of a classic political sex scandal although he deserved a bravery award. He was married to someone for whom nuclear disarmament is deemed a more relevant treatment than anger management .
It’s time for a British politician to selflessly restore the glory days in UK politics by having a public affair with someone with close ties to the Royal Family, Dodi Fayed, Osama bin Laden, Paris Hilton and Gay Pride Week.
In Australia the ultimate challenge is seducing Julia Gillard, Nicola Roxon and Penny Wong into the Coalition. At this stage Kevin seems the man most likely but it will be more about frustration than sex.
Tags: Cheryl Kernot, Christine Keeler, Dodi Fayed, Gareth Evans, Gay Pride Week, John Della Bosca, John Profumo, Julia Gillard, MacMillan Government, Madam Lash, Margaret Thatcher, Nicola Roxon, Osama Bin Laden, Paris Hilton, Penny Wong, political sex scandal, President Zuma, sex, Silvio Berlusconi, the Greens, Troy Buswell, UK Conservatives, Valerie Hobson
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Story No: 27
‘Do you know Barney’ said George ‘there are people around who think I’m not going to win this election’
‘Thank heavens’ I thought to myself ‘he’s finally got the message’
George had been living in the White House cocoon for months signing papers and chatting to other heads of state and blissfully unaware that a large body of opinion in the country perceived another four years with him as President would be like playing a whole season for Detroit Lions.
‘The Democrats are calling me all sorts of names’ he went on ‘like dumbass, dimwit and dickless’
‘I wouldn’t worry about it George’ I said ‘I’ve heard them say far worse than that. After all everyone makes mistakes like you referring to the leader of Al Qaeda as Osama Bin Garden’
‘I did it on purpose’ said George ‘because he’s a big piece of dirt’
‘And what about when you asked the Pope if he’s a Catholic?’ I said
‘Well’ said George ‘Dick Cheney asked me that question when I asked him if he was interested in Iraqi oil and I didn’t know the answer’
‘What did the Pope say?’ I asked
‘Oh he just asked me if I was a republican’ said George ‘I said yes but confessed I’d forgotten to pay my annual party membership fee and I had to say two Hail Marys’
‘Look George’ I said ‘the problem is that John Kerry claims you don’t know what you’re doing in Iraq and Afghanistan’
‘That’s not true’ said George ‘Don Rumsfeld briefed me yesterday’
‘It’s just that things seem to be drifting a bit in Afghanistan’ I said
‘I’m waiting for Pakistan to step up to the plate’ said George
‘Sorry George’ I said ‘they play cricket in Pakistan so they don’t step up to the plate they go in to bat’
‘Ok’ said George ‘and I’m waiting for Spain to go in to bat in Iraq’
‘No George’ I said ‘they do bull fighting in Spain so they grab the bull by the horns’
‘Look’ said George ‘do you mind if we stick with stepping up to the plate. All this foreign stuff confuses me. It’s like travelling with the Redskins to away matches’
‘George’ I said ‘the key to winning this election is presenting you as the terrorist terminator and John Kerry as a wimp who showboats rather than swiftboats’
‘How does Dick Cheney stack up against John Edwards?’ asked George
‘What a question’ I thought ‘it was like comparing Planet of the Apes with Sex Lies and Videotape’
‘I think he stacks up ok’ I said ‘Dick takes a bit off the top while John likes a bit on the side’
‘Look’ said George ‘I know I’m not perfect but at least I don’t crap on the White House lawn like you’
‘George’ I said ‘I only do it because you’re not allowed to and only because the lawn needs fertilising or Dick Cheney walks past’
‘All of us who make it to the top in politics have crosses to bear’ said George ‘for example Hillary’s got a Bill she can’t settle and she’s had to pay it over and over again’
‘Blimey’ I thought ‘George has suddenly become both a wit and a philosopher. He might win this election after all’
Tags: Al Qaeda, Bill Clinton, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Democrats, Detroit Lions, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Hillary Clinton, Iraqi oil, John Edwards, Osama Bin Laden, Pakistan, President of USA, The Pope, US President, White House
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Story No. 25
‘Barney’ said George ‘you’ve been selected for an undercover mission of the utmost strategic priority’
‘Oh no’ I thought ‘not another’. I got away with the last one when I fooled Dick and Don over the phone. But this had the ominous feel of some really heavy stuff.
‘I wouldn’t ask you’ said George ‘but you are the only one I know with the courage, resourcefulness and unique talent this mission demands’
Now I knew I was in the deep and smelly stuff
‘The fact is Barney’ said George ‘I face an election in a month or two and I’ve received reports that the Democrats are planning a dirty tricks campaign against me’
‘You don’t mean’ I said ‘they’re planning to reveal details of that meeting you had with Osama Bin Laden to plan 9/11’
‘Nothing like that’ said George ‘they’re planning to release false information casting aspersions on my military service record’
‘Good heavens’ I said ‘don’t worry about that. Everybody knows you spent the whole time pissing it up and chasing women’
‘The point is’ said George ‘’we need to get hold of the Democrats’ plan which sets out the details’
‘Ok’ I said ‘so you want me to phone John Kerry’s office pretending to be Dan Rather and ask them to send me a copy’
‘What I want you to do’ said George ‘is break into John Kerry’s home and pinch a copy of the plan which we know is on his desk’
‘Why me?’ I gasped
‘Because’ said George ‘the best way into the Kerry home is through a doggy door and I don’t know anyone else who could get through it’
‘Ok’ I said ‘if they’ve got a doggy door they’ve got a dog. What sort is it?’
‘We believe its a German Shepherd’ said George ‘nothing to worry about. We’ve checked and it will be asleep when you get there’
‘But George’ I protested ‘this is like a rerun of Watergate. If I get caught I’ll go down the toilet like the plumbers’
‘No problem’ said George ‘if you get caught you just play the dumb animal’
In the middle of the night I clambered through the doggy door at the Kerry home and was stealthily making my way across the kitchen when I heard a friendly greeting in dogspeak.
Standing before me was an absolutely gorgeous black terrier bitch
‘What do you want?’ she asked seductively
‘Well’ I said ‘I’ve just dropped in to steal a copy of the dirty tricks campaign John Kerry’s planning against George W’
‘No problem’ she said ‘I’ll fetch you a copy but first I have a great plan for you in my kennel’
It was the best laid plan I’ve ever come across
When I got back to the White House George was absolutely gobsmacked by the success of my mission
‘Great job’ he said ‘how on earth did you do it?’
‘Well George’ I said ‘sometimes when you lie down with dogs you get a lot more than just fleas’
Tags: Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Democrats, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, Don Rumsfield, George Bush, George W Bush, John Kerry, Osama Bin Laden, Terrorism, terrorist attacks, Watergate
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Story No: 23
‘Look Barney’ said George ‘I need your help’
I sniffed trouble. It was something in George’s tone.
‘Dick and Don’ he said ‘are pressuring me to invade the tribal areas in Pakistan to touch up the Taliban and find OBL. But my plan is to use drones to pinpoint key Taliban targets and bribe the Pakistanis to do the deep down and dirty stuff on the ground’
‘Brilliant thinking George’ I said. Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were obviously up to their old tricks.
‘Now I’ve got a strategic planning meeting with them tomorrow afternoon at the White House’ continued George ‘and I want you to be ready to take a call from the meeting. Here’s the tricky bit. My cunning plan is for you to pretend to be a CIA agent on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border who can give an expert on-the-spot strategic military assessment to support my point of view’
‘That’s a bit of a challenge George’ I said ‘I’ll have to bone up on a few things before you call’
‘One or two other points’ said George ‘I’ll address you by your codename which is Terrier. Pretty funny huh? Oh and by the way you’ll have to address me as Mr President for a change’
The next afternoon at 3.30 the dog and bone rang in my kennel
‘This is Terrier’ I said
‘Hi Terrier’ said George ‘This is the President speaking. I’m here with the vice-President and the Secretary of Defence and you’re on the loudspeaker. What’s the current situation on the border there?’
‘Swarming with Taliban Mr President’ I responded ‘it’s just like passing out day at West Point’
‘Dick Cheney here Terrier’ said Dick ‘are the Taliban well armed?’
I had to smile. I could hardly resist the temptation to tell him he was talking to me. He would absolutely crap himself.
‘They’re armed and dangerous’ I said ‘They all look like Sylvester Stallone in
Rocky II’
‘Great film’ said George
‘Are you in disguise Terrier?’ asked Dick ‘Oh I get it. You’re disguised as a dog’. He was painful when he tried to be funny.
‘That’s right’ I said ‘it helps me keep my nose close to the ground’
‘That’s very funny Ba…Terrier’ said George
‘What’s the terrain like there?’ asked Don
‘Very steep and rocky’ I replied ‘Ok for guerrilla warfare but unsuitable for large troop movements’
I could tell he was impressed by my military analysis.
‘Are you in danger there?’ asked Dick
‘I’m used to it’ I said ‘The Taliban think I’m a Pakistani agent sent by Ahmadinejad to convince them that 9/11 never happened’
‘When is the best time to invade the tribal areas?’ asked Don
‘Well not during a test match’ I said ‘especially if its against India and Pakistan are winning. That would really piss them off. And not during the Afghan Hound Show Week. Militarily speaking I’d recommend you use drones to destroy key Taliban targets pinpointed by me and bribe the Pakistanis to do the heavy stuff on the ground’
‘Very interesting’ said Dick ‘that’s the President’s view. You haven’t been swapping notes with him have you?’
‘Never had the honour of meeting him’ I lied ‘but you know what they say about great minds’
‘Thank you Terrier’ said George ‘stay safe. You’ve been very helpful’
An hour later I met George on the White House lawn.
‘Mission accomplished Terrier’ he said.
Tags: 9/11, Afghanistan, Ahmadinejad, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, CIA, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, guerrilla warfare, Osama Bin Laden, Pakistan, Rocky II, Sylvester Stallone, Taliban, White House
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Story No. 19
George was extraordinarily fortunate to have me as his senior adviser. Dogs can sniff around and pick up bits of stuff that other advisers miss completely. And I had a real nose for people.
‘George’ I said one day in the middle of an intense discussion about health policy ‘its time for a performance review of the key members of your cabinet and top advisers. You’ve got an election coming up and it’s critical you have a team in place who can hack it’
‘Good thinking Barney’ said George ‘what did you have in mind?’
‘Well let’s look at your top five people’ I said ‘first there’s me and it looks like you’ve already made the obvious decision to retain my services by renewing my dog licence last week. So let’s talk about Colin Powell’
‘Wonderful man’ said George
‘I know’ I said ‘but he’s really pissed about the way he’s been treated by Dick and Don. He’s the ex-General and they keep telling him how to run the wars. It’s like me telling Derek Jeter he doesn’t know how to hold a bat’
‘Sure there are differences of opinion’ said George ‘but isn’t that normal?’
‘Dick and Don’ I said ‘don’t have normal opinions. They are dedicated disciples of Atilla the Hun. Mark my words George, Colin’s up to here with it. And don’t forget he was the one left twisting in the wind after telling the UN there were WMDs in Iraq. You don’t have to be Oprah Winfrey to work out who fitted him up for that. He’s not a second termer George’
‘That’s a bit of a shock’ said George ‘who on earth can I replace him with?’
A bit of a confession here. I’ve always been an unabashed fan of Condi Rice. She’s black and a real terrier just like me and I’ve always regarded her as a sort of kindred spirit. If there’s one person I would love to talk to besides George it would be her. So having sussed that Colin, who is also a really great black guy by the way, was going to call it a day, I evolved a cunning strategy to slot in Condi.
‘Condi Rice is a no-brainer’ I said ‘all the other possible candidates are dogsbodies by comparison. If you don’t appoint her I’ll stand on the steps of the Capitol Building with a white eye and accuse you of mistreating blacks’
‘Alright, alright’ said George ‘anything else?’
‘Yes, I’d fire Dick and Don’ I said
‘No way’ said George ‘they’ve grown on me. I think it must be the Stockholm Syndrome’
‘I find them more like chronic fatigue syndrome’ I said ‘if Don runs the Iraq war much longer Osama bin Laden will start sending him Christmas cards. Come to think of it I’d make the ideal Secretary of Defence’
‘Sorry Barney’ said George ‘you’ll have to be content with being the underdog’
Tags: Atilla the Hun, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Colin Powell, Condi Rice, Derek Jeter, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Iraq, Oprah Winfrey, Osama Bin Laden, Stockholm Syndrome, WMD
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Story No: 18
‘I’ve been thinking about my place in history’ said George
‘Look George’ I said ‘I wouldn’t worry about it just yet. You’ve only been president for three years and with a bit of luck and a dumbassed Democrat candidate like John Kerry you might last another five’
To tell the truth I like George and didn’t want to break it to him that his only chance of avoiding the Hall of Mediocrity was to follow my advice more closely.
‘Come on Barney, humour me’ said George ‘for example do you rate me a better president than my father?’
‘Difficult question’ I said ‘you’ve both stuffed up Iraq but ultimately he loses out because he was responsible for you’
‘When you think of a president responsible for lifting the US to a place it has never been before who would that be?’ asked George
‘Kennedy’ I responded ‘he drove us to the moon’
‘What about a president who has impacted the world through initiatives he took in the Oval Office?’ asked George
‘Clinton’ I said ‘but he needed help from Monica’
‘In some ways’ said George ‘I compare myself with Nixon. He reached out to countries like China and Alaska and he loved his little dog’
‘There’s a big difference George’ I said ‘Nixon was almost impeached, Clinton was impeached but you are simply impaired. And you have a much better taste in dogs’
‘People tell me I could turn out like Abraham Lincoln’ said George
‘That’s probably because he got shot’ I observed
‘Perhaps I’ll be remembered for great quotes like ‘Families is where the nation finds hope, where wings take dream’ said George
‘Perhaps you should try something like ‘ask not what Barney can do for you but rather what you can do for Barney’ I suggested
‘Hey that’s pretty good’ said George ‘it sounds like Ronald Reagan. He was a similar sort of president to me’
‘Sure’ is said ‘but again there is a difference. He spent part of his life in ‘B’ movies but you’ve been in one all your life’
‘Perhaps I’ll be remembered as a great wartime president’ said George
‘I think Franklin D Roosevelt’s got that slot’ I said
‘What about a great anti-terrorist president?’ asked George
‘I don’t think Osama bin Laden would support that’ I said
‘How about Father of the Nation’ persisted George
‘Look George’ I said ‘it’s a bit late for that. The Founding Fathers beat you to it by two hundred years or so’.
‘OK Barney’ said George ‘what do you really think?’
‘Well’ I said ‘you haven’t had any great success stories like solving the Middle East dilemma or tearing down a wall but on the other hand you haven’t been involved in any scandals sex or otherwise and you’ve got a lovely family’
‘You mean you think I’ll be remembered as the ordinary president?’ asked George
‘Yes’ I said ‘very ordinary’
Tags: Abraham Lincoln, Bill Clinton, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Franklin D Roosevelt, George Bush, George W Bush, Iraq, JFK, John F Kennedy, John Kerry, Nixon, Osama Bin Laden, Ronald Reagan
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Story No. 15
One day as I lay in my kennel enjoying a dog’s life my phone rang.
George arranged for it to be secretly installed. He made up some story about needing a place to take emergency calls when he was out on the White House lawn.
The real reason was that when he’s at heavy meetings which don’t admit dogs he sometimes needs a direct line to get my unique perspective on matters of highest national priority.
‘Hello George’ I said. I knew it was him because he was the only one who had my number since he’d refused to pass it on to that bitch at the Clintons.
‘Hi Barney’ said George ‘I hope this is a convenient time to call but I really need your advice on matters I’m discussing here with the Joint Chiefs of Staff’
George had my sympathy. Talking to those generals was like trying to hold a conversation with the Washington Monument.
‘They believe we should try a new strategy in Iraq’ continued George ‘stop fighting a conventional war and switch to terrorist operations. It’s interesting but I’m not sure about it. What do you think?’
‘It’s a really dumb idea George’ I said ‘as far as I know the US Army doesn’t have any terrorism experience. What are the chiefs planning to do, send them to an Al Qaeda training camp in Pakistan for a crash course? And why not offer Osama Bin Laden big bucks to act as a consultant?’
‘Wait a bit Barney’ said George ‘the idea may not be as dumb as it seems. They’ve already got a great strategy to develop suicide bombers’
‘I’m all in favour of that’ I said ‘provided that Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld are on the first plane to crash into the Al Qaeda HQ. By the way George I hope for both our sakes this is a secure line’
‘General Cassidy tells me he’s developed a whole new manual on terrorist techniques for the US Army’ said George
‘George you know as well as I do’ I said ‘that Clint Cassidy is barking mad and should be in this kennel instead of me. Al Qaeda wrote the book on terrorist tactics and their Little Leaguers could terrorise Clint’
‘OK Barney’ said George ‘what do you advise?’
‘It’s simple George’ I said ‘you need a surge. All you have to do is send over 40,000 more troops to Iraq and it would be all over red rover’
‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘if I did that Hillary, John Kerry and the whole Kennedy family would go ballistic’
‘Well not everyone in the Kennedy family’ I said ‘The Terminator would be sensational in Iraq’
‘OK’ said George resignedly ‘what do I tell these guys?’
‘First’ I said ‘tell Clint to get back in his kennel and stop trying to be West Point’s answer to Bin Laden. And tell them all that you feel a surge coming on and it’s got nothing to do with that sexy Angelina Jolie movie you saw last night’
Tags: Al Qaeda, Al Qa’ida, Angelina Jolie, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Clint Cassidy, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, General Cassidy, George Bush, George W Bush, Hillary Clinton, JFK, John F Kennedy, John Kerry, Osama Bin Laden, The Terminator
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Story No. 9
‘I was lying in bed the other morning’ said George ‘and I came up with a brilliant idea for solving the Israeli-Palestinian problem’
‘Oh that’s great George’ I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster given there was as much chance of George solving the Israeli-Palestinian problem as Hillary Clinton phoning to offer me a date with her glamorous bitch.
‘I’ll invite Arafat and Sharon to come to the White House for as long as it takes to get things sorted. What do you think?’
‘Sorry George’ I said ‘but Bill Clinton’s already tried that. They all shook hands on a deal then Arafat and Rabin went home and carried on as usual’
‘How about if I rendition them instead?’ mused George
‘George’ I said ‘Listen to me. The whole Israeli-Palestinian thing is a massive dog’s breakfast. My advice is leave it alone. You’ve already got a huge mess in Afghanistan and Iraq and you don’t want to score a Middle East trifecta’
‘Barney’ said George ‘solving the Israeli-Palestinian thing is my destiny. The crowning achievement of my presidency. I need your help to do great things’
‘Even with my help’ I said ‘you’d still have a better chance of being appointed chief rocket scientist at NASA’
‘All I’ve got to do’ said George ‘is persuade the Palestinians that becoming good neighbours with the Israelis is a better policy than annihilating them’
‘George’ I said ‘it’s the same as you living next door to Osama bin Laden. In those circumstances being good neighbours is not firing rockets at each other for an hour or two’
‘Alright then’ said George ‘I’ll persuade the Israelis to accept the state of Palestine’
‘Then the question you have to consider’ I said ‘is whether Jerusalem becomes part of Palestine or whether Israel keeps it’
‘Tell you what’ said George ‘I’ll persuade them to toss for it; heads Israel keeps Jerusalem, tails it becomes the capital of Palestine’
‘I’ve got a better idea’ I said ‘we could sit you on a horse, create the legend of George of Arabia and then you could lead the Palestinians across the desert to their promised land. I’d make a fortune out of Hollywood for the film rights’
‘Great thinking Barney’ said George ‘I could cut off all US financial support for Israel until they agree to everything’
‘No chance’ I said ‘if you did that you would never be invited to another bar mitzvah, lose a squillion in campaign funding and you’d be kicked out at the next election’
‘Do you really thing so?’ asked George ‘Perhaps you’re right Barney about leaving the Israeli-Palestinian thing alone. There’s plenty of other areas where I can do great things’
‘Right on George’ I said ‘for example you could create the Dogs Hall of Fame. Lassie and I would be shoe-ins’
‘Great idea’ said George ‘that would certainly guarantee me the dogsbody vote’
Tags: Afghanistan, Arafat, Bill Clinton, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, George Bush, George of Arabia, George W Bush, Hillary Clinton, Iraq, Israeli, Jerusalem, Middle East trifecta, NASA, Osama Bin Laden, Palestinian, Rabin, Sharon, White House
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
20th November 2009
Dear Mr President,
I can’t tell you how disappointed we all were that you didn’t make it down here from Singapore. Trust you had a nice chat with Kevin at APEC. I’m sure he would have told you some dirty jokes in Chinese to help you liven up the discussions with Unowho in Beijing.
Your mates Tiger Woods and Britney Spears have both been here recently. Tiger seems to have no problem getting into holes and Britney’s got into one too because people complained that when she opens her mouth nothing comes out. Neville thought it was a marked improvement.
Kevin’s so humane. If those asylum seekers on the Oceanic Viking had defied me like they defied him they’d have been over the side and swimming to Indonesia before you could say ‘Bali Belly’.
Kevin has not had much luck with solutions recently. The Indonesian Solution was a dead loss because the Indonesians are much better at creating problems than solutions. The Macklin Solution for Aboriginal housing would have been better handled by Bob the Builder and the Wong/MacFarlane Solution for the ETS seems to have gone up in smoke. No-one’s head from Penny or Ian for weeks and Neville thinks they could have eloped.
At the Obama Fan Club meeting last Tuesday we went into a plenary session designed to provide solutions for you in Afghanistan. I couldn’t believe the sheer quality of the solutions we came up with. Mildred had a brilliant idea. She said that Osama and all the other terrorist heavies are in Pakistan so you should send the 40,000 troops there instead.
Godwin, who’s a new member, thought you should send 40,000 criminals to Afghanistan. He reckons that if Karzai can’t clear out the corruption at least it should be under US control.
My idea was to send over 40,000 copies of Sarah Palin’s new book. If the prospect of her becoming the next US President doesn’t scare the Taliban to death then nothing will.
You wouldn’t believe what’s happening in NSW government circles. Some of the ministers have been plotting against Nathan the premier so he’s been plotting against them. Now his plot’s worked better than their plot because he’s fired them but now they’ve started a counter plot to out-plot him. If you ask me they’ve all lost the plot.
It’s a big week or two for Malcolm on the ETS. He’s in deep trouble if Ian only manages to get agreement to a pennysworth of amendments.
Let me know if you would like more detail about our amazingly good solutions for Afghanistan. I’ll bet you don’t get anything half as good from that Axelrod guy.
I still can’t find anything out about New Zealand. I think they may have knocked off for Christmas.
By the way we’re planning a huge Obama Fan Club Christmas Party for the 22nd December. Please let me know if you can make it.
Till next week.
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Aboriginal housing, Afghanistan, APEC, Bali Belly, Barack Obama, Beijing, Bob the Builder, Britney Spears, Chinese, Christmas Island, ETS, Gaelene Woo, Godwin, Ian MacFarlane, Indonesian Solution, Karzai, Kevin Rudd, Macklin, Malcolm Turnbull, Nathan Rees, Obama, Obama Fan Club, Oceanic Viking, Osama Bin Laden, Penny Wong, Sarah Palin, Taliban, Tiger Woods
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