This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly landed on a wall in the Prime Minister’s Canberra office just in time to catch his conversation with Greg Combet on salvaging the Home Insulation Scheme. We have just received his exclusive report.

‘I’m surrounded by idiots’ said Kevin ‘what was I supposed to do, go out and insulate all those bloody homes myself?’

‘Of course not Kevin’ said Greg ‘you’re far too good at running the country’

‘I know’ said Kevin ‘but where on earth can I find people I can rely on as much as me? I’ve said the buck for all this insulation business stops at me but it doesn’t stay with me. I’ve passed it partly on to Peter Garrett and I’ve brought you in so I can pass on the rest’

‘I appreciate the opportunity’ said Greg

‘Tell me’ said Kevin ‘what’s your plan for the fifty thousand homes that could catch fire at any minute?’

‘Wind power’ said Greg ‘So they can avoid switching on the mains electricity I need a billion or so to buy fifty thousand windmills’

‘Brilliant’ said Kevin ‘then we’d only need fifty thousand urinals and then they’d have piss and wind power. I’m talking insulation not more stimulation’

‘But what about immolation?’ asked Greg

‘That’s just escalation’ said Kevin ‘and we’ve got to stop self-flagellation and blame the installation’

‘That’s difficult’ said Greg ‘the installers have all insulated themselves by claiming they were acting on instructions from you and Peter’

‘Well I’m obviously not to blame’ said Kevin ‘Peter got a bit carried away. You know what those environmentalists are like. What about the installers who claimed money from us but didn’t install anything?’

‘No problem’ said Greg ‘they didn’t cause a single fire’

‘Well who’s going to sort out the fifty thousand homes at risk?’ asked Kevin ‘don’t tell me it’s going to the pinheads who did the installation’

‘It’s a no-brainer’ said Greg ‘it’s got to be the installers we paid but didn’t do any installations because they’re the only ones we haven’t had any complaints about. If we tell them to repeat what they did the first time round there wont be any complaints whatsoever the second time’

‘Inspired thinking’ said Kevin ‘I’m just so relieved that none of this mess is my fault. By the way how much extra will it cost to sort out the mess?’

‘About a billion’ said Greg

‘What’ said Kevin ‘that’s almost as much as Tony Abbott is trying to waste on paid maternity leave. The electorate will think I’ve gone totally batts’

‘Look at it this way Kevin’ said Greg ‘there are over nine hundred thousand insulated homes for which you can take all the credit’

‘That’s right’ said Kevin ‘I could come out of this looking like the saviour of the nation. I’ve saved on the heating bills for those nine hundred thousand odd homes, I’m about to save fifty thousand homes from the threat of fire, I’ve saved Peter Garrett’s ass and I’ve saved millions of homes from shonky installers’

‘Are you going to save me?’ asked Greg

‘Of course not’ said Kevin ‘you’re just here to save me. Your job is to insulate my ass from being kicked by Newspoll, Tony or Julia.