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Lifes a Beach, Garrett goes up in flames, Love of Sport - Friday, February 26th, 2010

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Putt and Take
Tiger Woods is reportedly making a comeback later this year. No word yet on which nightclub it will be at.
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Life’s a Beach
Environmentalists are concerned that the rising tide of ETS dissent could erode Penny Wong and wash her away.
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Doomsday Scenario
The International Atomic Energy Agency has expressed concern that Peter Garrett might one day become the Australian minister responsible for the development of nuclear power stations.
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The Love of Sport
If sex becomes an Olympic sport will Tiger Woods switch codes?
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Getting Better
Obama has taken steps to involve Republicans in developing his healthcare plan. The aborigines could teach him more about bush medicine than George.
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Poor Batting
The Government’s insulation debacle has had a marked effect on house design. Nobody wants a garret in their roof anymore.
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Dear John
Now it turns out that just like Andrew Peacock and Peter Costello, Malcolm Fraser can’t stand John Howard either. But on the other hand there’s George W. Bush and Tony Abbott who think John is great while no one’s even bothered to ask Mark Latham yet and he’s normally very liberal with his opinions.
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Insulated from Terrorism
There was intense debate in federal parliament this week about whether the home insulation scheme was a bigger threat to the community than home-grown terrorism. It’s a close run thing but Friday Mash sincerely believes the Federal Government is less of a threat than Al Qaeda.
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Climate of Confusion - Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Tony Jones’ interview with Penny Wong on the 4th February edition of Lateline was an absolute classic.

For the transcript, click here

Watch Penny Wong Interviewed on ABC's Lateline

Watch Penny Wong Interviewed on ABC's Lateline

For those of us craving a clear, concise and logical explanation of what on earth the ETS is all about the occasion was richly entertaining but not alas enlightening.

Despite being asked repeatedly about the ETS’ cost impact on families – working, non-working and bone idle – not a single figure passed Penny’s lips. She claimed that extensive modelling was released in 2008. That was apparently too long ago for her to remember the numbers it contained but for those who are still interested there is always the chance of coming across it in a library or a loo.

Tony’s questions about the ETS cost hikes to families in the event of an emissions reduction target higher than five percent were met buy a dogged refusal even to countenance such an abstruse notion.

The kindest possible assessment of Penny’s interview is that it added diddly squat to viewers’ storehouse of ETS knowledge and may even have eroded it slightly. But wait. On the subject of Tony Abbott’s Emissions Reduction Fund Penny demonstrated encyclopaedic knowledge. She came armed with sheafs of documents claimed to contain irrefutable evidence that Tony’s ERF was a non-starter and would cost squillions more than the ETS whatever that costs.

This was like a football coach explaining that his team’s tactics were based on a 2008 plan which he couldn’t remember but that doesn’t matter because the opposition are so hopeless.

Kevin has admitted that his government must improve their communications about the ETS. The question is did he forget to tell Penny, did she ignore him or was this, heaven help us, what she considered to be an improved communication.

Probably as a result of urgings by the spin doctors to soften her image Penny has developed a sudden synthetic smile for television interviews. When Tony asked questions she considered tiresome, embarrassing or downright dangerous she flashed on the smile to mask a face almost certainly contorted with rage and betraying an irresistible urge to choke the living shit out of him. Luckily he was in a studio hundreds of kilometres away.

The interview raised the issue of who can we possibly believe on matters of climate change.

Polar bears are the living proof we can’t trust Al Gore. Penny is about as helpful as a call centre operator in Bangalore and Kevin’s still got a Copenhagen complex. Climate change scientists have slipped up on the Himalayan glaciers and following his recent conversion it is too soon to expect anything sensible from Tony Abbott.

No wonder Lord Monckton is commanding so much attention. His is the only clear message on climate change; lie back for ten years, let it happen and then take stock. Even if he isn’t right its refreshing to hear a convenient truth amongst the deluge of inconvenient, incomprehensible and disingenuous approximations.

With all due respect to Kevin, climate change is not the greatest moral challenge of our generation. It is rather persuading politicians, scientists and opinion leaders to come clean about it.

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Trillions in Debt but KRudd will provide stimulus - Friday, February 5th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

5th February 2010

Dear Mr President,

I was having a cup of tea with Marge when all of a sudden they announced your March visit on the telly. We couldn’t believe it. Marge was so overcome she almost had an accident.

We haven’t got word on your schedule yet and heaven forbid we seem presumptive but you know you’ll get a wonderful welcome at the world’s first Obama Fan Club whether it’s for a keynote address or a cup of tea; but definitely not a Tea Party.

I’ll be in touch with your appointments secretary within the next week or two. It’s so exciting.

I know you’re a few trillions in the red at the moment so while you’re here don’t hesitate to tap Kevin for a stimulus package. I’m sure you qualify.

Tony Abbott’s just released his new carbon emissions reduction plan. I think its something he cooked up over the Christmas holidays. What a cheek to claim he’s got a package as good as the ETS which Kevin and Penny have been working on for years. I’m afraid we’re in for a long boring argument about who’s got the biggest and the one which emits less smoke.

By the way I’ve just checked and the RSL memorial hall will almost certainly be available during your visit. We could fit in a hundred and seventy-five at a pinch with a cup of tea and egg and lettuce sandwiches and Fred is confident he could arrange a tour of the local meatworks.

The Club’s World Affairs Think Tank has been worried about your Iran problem for some time. Bombing the place would not be a good look so soon after scoring the Nobel Peace Prize. So we devoted our session this week to creating alternative strategic tactics to dissuade Ahmadinejad from going ballistic and nuclear.

Fred made a very thoughtful first contribution to a Think Tank session. He was strongly in favour of stuffing up Iran completely by holding the next climate change conference there.

Mildred thought Ahmadinejad craved recognition. She suggested you invite him over to the White House and present him with a major international award like the World’s Worst Dressed President.

Our Mavis’ Bert had a brilliant idea. We should arrange an exchange agreement between the Iranian Government and the NSW Government. Ahmadinejad could advise the NSW Government on vote rigging techniques for the 2011 election and in return they could apply their North-West Metro project development model to his nuclear programme. That should put it back at least twenty years.

Our Mavis thought that Ahmadinejad would feel a natural political affinity with the NSW Shooters Party.

Marge had the idea of the night. She reckoned that as Ahmadinejad was so keen on sponsoring terrorists the Pittsburgh Steelers offered him better value for money than Hamas. They’re always on the telly and they strike terror into everyone.

I was at a loss to sum up such brilliance. Please feel free to take your pick of any of these and don’t forget to give Hillary a comprehensive briefing.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Virgins, Ball Control, Blockbuster, Sheer Terror, Lord Blair of Baghdad, Penny Hasn’t Dropped, Men of Action - Friday, February 5th, 2010

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Virgin on the Political
George Brandis claimed that Julia Gillard is not qualified to pronounce on parenting because she doesn’t have children.  He was however quite happy for her to discuss virginity with the hopelessly unqualified Tony Abbott.

Ball Control
There seems to be a concerted move in the UK to prevent John Terry’s sexual indiscretions being placed in the same league as Tiger’s.  It is claimed he merely put the finishing touches to a movement down his right flank.

Blockbuster
Serena Williams victory in the Australian Open seemed to be the antithesis of the outcome in Avatar.

Sheer Terror
Obama is searching for the ideal environment for the trial of the 9/11 masterminds now that the Big Apple plan has been juiced.  Support is growing for setting up a video link between the courtroom and the defendants traveling on a pilotless plane on course to crash into Al Qaeda central.

Lord Blair of Baghdad
The Iraq Inquiry in the UK seems increasingly like a deliberate attempt to undermine George W Bush’s place in history and pin all the blame for the war on Tony Blair.  And it’s an absolute scandal that so far there’s been no mention of John Howard.

The Penny Hasn’t Dropped
Kevin and Penny Wong are having a third go at getting the Lazarus ETS legislation passed by parliament.

They must either know something the rest of us don’t or don’t know something the rest of us do.

The evidence available to mere mortals indicates that the EU’s ETS is useless, Europe won’t set emissions reductions targets before the US who won’t set them before China who won’t set them.  The scientific evidence underpinning an ETS looks increasingly discredited and the only delegates in Copenhagen who looked remotely interested in taking urgent action on climate change were Kevin, Penny and those from small developing countries excited by the prospect of a big cash handout.

Perhaps its just that Kevin and Penny have seen An Inconvenient Truth too many times or they haven’t yet seen the latest Newspoll.

Men of Action
Kevin and Obama are both heavily criticised for being all talk and no action.  Perhaps action has become an unacceptable political risk undertaken only by carpetbaggers like George W Bush and Tony Abbott.

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Hillary cancels and everyone loves Willy - Thursday, January 21st, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

22nd January 2010

Dear Mr President,

We’re all so disappointed. Hillary canceled her visit to Australia. It’s such a shame. We even had the local mayor lined up for an official welcome.

We’re not sure whether she had to go and sort out another disaster in world affairs or in Bill’s affairs.
It was too late to invite Prince William to take her place. Lovely young fellow he is. I’d marry him myself if it wasn’t for Neville and the fact that I’m already Queen of the Beauthaven Beer Festival.

What on earth’s going on in your country? Fancy calling poor old Harry Reid a racist. He isn’t even in the Republican Party.
Even I was accused of racism last week. I refused to let this friend of Gladys’ join the club. Its true he’s a Sri Lankan but he’s also an absolute arsehole.

You’re not going to believe this but Penny Wong’s already rabbiting on about a third go at passing the ETS legislation. Its like having to sit through one of Fidel Castro’s speeches for a third time. Can’t you find her a position measuring climate change in Northern Alaska?

I know you’ll be thrilled to hear that this week our World Affairs Think Tank tackled one of the most momentous questions facing Australia, ‘Should we become a republic’. It would have been lovely to have Prince William there to speak on behalf of his mother.

Marge reckoned it all depends on what sort of republic. We don’t want to become a banana republic or a republic like Germany and Russia which don’t seem to have any fun and start all the wars. She recognised that the US was also a republic which started wars but at least you seem to have a bit of fun.

Gladys thought it was a shame that the US was no longer a monarchy because we could have played you at cricket and you wouldn’t be wasting so much time in the shower.

Cyril said it would be great if Australia became a republic because Malcolm Turnbull could become President and it would stop him making a nuisance of himself.

Mildred believed that Australia should stay a monarchy with an Aussie royal family. All our royal talent like Princess Mary are having to go abroad because of a lack of opportunities back home.

Our Mavis’ Bert agreed with Mildred and said that even the Welsh Rugby team had its own Queen.

Mavis thought that Malcolm Fraser is qualified to become King of Australia because he’s such a right royal pain in the ass.

Arthur thought we should become a republic to avoid getting a Queen whose only qualification for the job was a propensity for sending Charles potty with passion.

I summed it all up brilliantly by pointing out that as the Obama Fan Club was dedicated to a Democrat there’s no way we can support Australia becoming Republican.

I’m so excited that we’re producing such good stuff for you.

Till next week.

Gaelene Woo
President

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In the Prime Minister’s Office - Friday, January 15th, 2010

Fly on the Wall at Friday Mash

Guy the Friday Mash Superfly brings you all the latest buzz on the powerful and the pathetic from his unique vantage point high up on the walls of their offices.

Kevin convened a meeting with Julia, Wayne and Penny to discuss tactics for a third go at getting the ETS legislation passed.

‘Fair suck of the sauce bottle’ said Kevin ‘Penny spends ages locked away with that MacFarlane guy, we get Malcolm in our pocket and then the Coalition go fxxking feral and we’re up against a climate change cretin like the Mad Monk. He’s your mate Julia, can’t you do some budgie smuggling with him?’

‘Now Kevin let’s be absolutely clear about this’ said Julia ‘I went off him after he called you a toxic bore, an egregious egotist, a prissy, preening little nerd and a …’

‘Alright, alright’ said Kevin ‘now here’s the plan. We’ll have to explain the ETS a bit more like coming clean about what its actually going to cost people’

‘Good heavens’ said Penny, visibly shaken ‘you can’t to that. You can’t trust people to put the fate of the world and this government before their own greedy self-interest.’

‘All we have to say’ said Kevin ‘is that everyone’s getting an ETS rebate. We don’t have to reveal that for half the population it’s hopelessly inadequate. And Penny I want you to lead an ETS charm offensive. Have your face permanently botoxed into a smile and stop referring to Tony Abbott as a Neanderthal sub-human sceptic’

‘I’d rather spend another week at the Copenhagen Conference’ said Penny

‘I think we should review whether the ETS is the best way to reduce carbon emissions’ said Wayne

Kevin recoiled in horror like someone had just served him a beef sandwich.

‘What the fxxk are you talking about Wayne’ he roared ‘of course it’s the fxxking best way’

‘Shouldn’t we set up a parliamentary committee to investigate it?’ asked Wayne bravely ‘I mean it’s a huge economic pain in the ass and the Northern Hemisphere’s just entered a new ice age’

‘I’ve already got five committees investigating it’ said Kevin ‘and there’s another committee analysing whether we should have another committee’

The intercom buzzed ‘Excuse me prime minister, John Grant’s on the phone asking whether you’ll need to borrow a ute for the next election’

‘Tell him I’ll need two’ said Kevin ‘there isn’t room for my hair dryer if I only use one’

‘Well I’d bring in another stimulus package’ said Wayne ‘to pay everybody’s electricity bills’.

‘That’s a fxxking stupid idea’ said Kevin ‘I’m spending all my time trying to stop Julia wasting stimulus money on senseless school halls’

‘I know’ said Julia ‘we should give everybody work choices. They can either install their own solar heating or spend their weekends at power stations cleaning coal’

‘Brilliant’ said Kevin ‘I’ve always liked the idea of work choices’

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Hillary coming down under, Bill in bush and Prince touring - Friday, January 15th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

15th January 2010

Dear Mr President,

I can’t tell you how excited we all are. We’ve just heard that Hillary is coming to Australia next week and would you believe Prince William is coming at the same time. It’s a good job she’s not a republican.

We obviously couldn’t invite both of them to address the Obama Fan Club during the same week, so we held an emergency meeting of the management committee and chose Hillary because she’s such a wonderful woman and so close to you.

I hope you don’t mind but we’ve sent her a direct message inviting her to our meeting on the nineteenth. She gets booked up so early and I dare say your ambassador Jeff Bleach has already booked her in for a nosh or two with Kevin.

We also told her to bring Bill along too if he’s coming with her. You may recall I told you that Mildred met Bill when she was a pole dancer in Vegas. If we can find a pole I’m sure he’d recognise her.

The Japanese are furious with Julia over whales. She’s doing the PM’s job while Kevin is away writing children’s books.

When it comes to whales there’s a huge cultural difference between the Aussies and the Japs. They believe they should be harpooned and eaten while we see them as cuddly creatures who deserve a better fate than being served as sashimi.

Julia’s thrown one of her headmistress wobblers telling the Japs to stop sinking the protesters’ boats which are trying to sink their whaling ships and suggesting more controversial places to stick their harpoons.

Meanwhile the Japs have told her in no uncertain terms to keep her nose out of it and you can understand why. It’s very large and pointed and would be a very effective substitute for a harpoon.

This week the Club’s World Affairs Think-tank debated whether the Copenhagen Conference had been any use at all.

Hilda said it was inspiring that delegates could still get their knickers in a knot about global warming when they were suffering from frostbite.

Gladys who’s never said anything before made a very critical contribution. She reckoned the Conference would have been a huge success if the other forty thousand delegates had just turned up for the last day like you. It was the previous ten days that caused all the problems.

Neville thought the conference in Mexico might go better because the climate will allow the delegates to demonstrate solar power and not just their wind power.

Mildred made a very astute observation. She reckoned there were too many people there. China and the US got distracted. All you need is a conference where those two agree to a reasonable reduction in emissions and the rest of us can carry on as usual.

I summed up the meeting by blaming Tony Abbott for the mess in Copenhagen. It was his fault the rest of the world didn’t get the chance to adopt Kevin and Penny’s ETS. Though perhaps they were not so inclined to be Penny foolish as pound wise.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

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Kevin: Our model leader - Thursday, January 7th, 2010

Obama Fan Club Letterhead

Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

8th January 2010

Dear Mr President,

I hope you and the family had a beaut time in Hawaii and are enjoying a preposterous New Year.

Neville and I went to watch the fireworks at Sydney Harbour on New Year’s Eve and I’m very pleased to report that crowd behaviour was much improved on last year and Neville wasn’t even moved along by the police let alone arrested.

Things in Australia have been pretty quiet since Copenhagen went up in smoke. Kevin’s hardly said a word and poor old Penny Wong’s been wheeled out to do the disaster relief. What a pity you couldn’t get to the Copenhagen shindig earlier to give Kevin a bit more wind power.

Now as you know I’m not a racist and we even have an Obama Fan Club member whose mother came from Vietnam, but I must say I was very proud of what Kevin said about immigrants the other day. You can read it below and I recommend you include it in your State of the Union address but don’t forget to substitute the US where it says Australia.

It was Peter Garrett’s turn this week to call Tony Abbott a sceptic, a disgrace and a neanderthal and I can quite understand that. But I do wish the Labor Party would stop ranting on about the ETS being the only way to save us from hell and damnation. They sound like our local vicar. If the ETS gets rejected a third time perhaps Kevin will take Holy Orders and try the power of prayer. I think he’d look lovely in a dog collar.

The Obama Fan Club has made an exciting New Year’s Resolution. We have decided that each week the Club will analyse a truly vital issue in world affairs and send you our conclusions in the weekly newsletter. I knew you’d be rapt because it’s going to be such a powerhouse of great ideas both for you and Hillary.

The issue we dug our teeth into this week was ‘Should Aussies go to Fiji for a holiday while Frank Brontemarina’s undemocratic mob are still in power?’

I was gobsmacked by the sheer intellectual impact we generated. The evening was sponsored by Fred’s Fiji Fantasy Fly-Aways who gave us free fried rice for two at the Nadi Chinese as a raffle prize.

Mildred opened the session by saying we should take no notice of Frank and just book our holidays as usual because if we don’t Treasure Island will go bust with or without him.

Marge thought we should go to Bali instead because she’d heard the terrorists there were democratically elected.

Hilda thought we should still go to Fiji but protest by painting anti-Frank slogans on our bodies and demonstrating naked on a beach. Neville thought that was a bigger threat to Fiji’s tourism than Frank.

I summed up the meeting expertly be saying that Aussies should only go to Fiji if we pay rock bottom packaged holiday prices in August and only drink Aussie beer instead of Fiji Bitter. That way we minimise the ready that Frank can get his hands on.

Brilliant don’t you think and if Al Gore’s right about sea levels Frank will soon have trouble keeping his head above water.

Don’t forget to pass this on to Hillary.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo
President

Whole world Needs A Leader Like This!

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd - Australia

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

Separately, Rudd angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation’s mosques. Quote:

‘IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians. ‘

‘This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom’

‘We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society. Learn the language!’

‘Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.’

‘We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.’

‘This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, ‘THE RIGHT TO LEAVE‘.’

‘If you aren’t happy here then LEAVE. We didn’t force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.’

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Asylum Seekers, detainees, climate change, President Zuma, expense rorts - Thursday, January 7th, 2010

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Cruise ships have started calling at Christmas Island. This provides an exciting opportunity for real progress on the asylum seeker issue. People smugglers are already reported to be in negotiation with a cruise ship company with a view to delivering two thousand asylum seekers at a time.
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Gitmo detainees are shortly to fly to new digs in Illinois. Hopefully pre-flight security screening will be more thorough than for Northwest flights out of Amsterdam.
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Climate change scientists briefing politicians in China, Brazil, India, Russia and South Africa obviously have a different perspective on global warming than the ones briefing Kevin, Obama and Al Gore. It must be nice to get a convenient truth for a change.
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President Zuma has just married a third wife and has a fourth in his sights. There is no information on how many husbands they have.
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The UK parliamentary expenses scandal will result in a record number of new MPs being elected there in March. Commentators are confident that expenses rorts will not recur for at least six years because that’s how long on average it takes an MP to learn to do them properly.
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The local drug barons will be invited to attend the next Climate Change Conference in Mexico City. They will deliver a paper on how their products cause people round the world to stop emiting carbon altogether.
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China has officially blamed global warming for the heavy snowfalls around Beijing. It’s only a matter of time before the record lows across the Northern Hemisphere are also blamed on global warming and climate scientists discover that the polar ice-caps are responsible for soaring temperatures in Madagascar.
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Two questions on climate change policy for Kevin and Penny.

If people on low incomes get refunds well in excess of their increased energy charges caused by the ETS wont this encourage them to use more electricity rather than less?

Why is Australia contributing billions of dollars to help small developing countries reduce their carbon emissions when according to UN data they are only emitting a piddling percentage of the world’s total output?

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Letter to Father Christmas - Friday, December 18th, 2009

Letter to Father Christmas

Dear Santa,

‘Tis the season when people of goodwill at Friday Mash think not of themselves but only of others.

We would really appreciate the delivery of our Christmas gift list set out below in your usual timely festive fashion.

Kevin Rudd - a pair of budgie smugglers to prove he’s got nothing to hide.
Malcolm Turnbull - a CD of Kevin singing ‘Wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen’
Tony Abbott - a DNA test to prove he’s not the lovechild of John Howard and Bronwyn Bishop
Barack Obama - the Nobel Olympic Prize for failing to bring the Games to Chicago
Penny Wong - a climate change; a long stay in Siberia perhaps
Sarah Palin - melting moments at the North Pole with Al Gore
Hillary Clinton - an ‘I should have been President’ bumper sticker
Kristina Keneally - the magic formula which turned Pinocchio from a puppet into a person
Peter Garrett - a part in Coneheads II
Bill Clinton - Tiger’s mobile with all the phone numbers
General McChrystal -  a McBall so he can forsee what’s about to happen in Afghanistan
Joe Hockey - a Father Christmas outfit because he’s your natural successor
Julia Gillard - a life size Tony Abbott doll so she no longer has to flirt with him in person
Wayne Swan - a Navman so he can find his way out of the woods
George W Bush - WMDs found in Iraq
Gordon Brown - something to wear under his kilt because he’s been left dangling recently
Berlusconi - bandaids
John Howard - a dancing frog wearing a Bob Hawke face mask. On second thoughts the mask wont be necessary
Barry O’Farrell - a gift similar to that bestowed on so many hostesses and cocktail waitresses; a bit of Tiger in him
The People of NSW - an early election

The delivery of these gifts will make many people very happy. Making people happy is one of your gifts which politicians seem incapable of accepting.

Merry Christmas

From Friday Mash

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