Posts Tagged ‘Penny Wong’
Canberra Report by Dick Head
Tasmania up for the Count
In a shock move Tasmania suddenly declared their final election results in under three weeks. Cephologists believe this is a record.
It is not clear whether they finally found someone who could count quickly or whether they got embarrassed by the delay and made an educated guess.
Following news that the Greens are prepared to enter into a coalition with the Liberals the electoral authorities would be well advised to organise some vote-counting practice because the next election can’t be far away.
Don’t Shoot the Sheriff
Following their election loss the South Australian Liberals have had three deputy leaders in three weeks. How considerate of them to assuage the disappointment of losing by giving everybody a guernsey.
This follows the lead of the Federal Liberal Party which followed up its election loss with three leaders in two years although to be fair Malcolm couldn’t see the benefits of sharing the leadership around. It makes you wonder about Julie Bishop. What sort of person can be deputy to Brendan, Malcolm and Tony in the space of two years without going absolutely barking? Perhaps someone who doesn’t take any of them too seriously.
Malcolm No Longer in the Middle
My colleagues at Friday Mash have reacted to the passing of Malcolm from politics with sincere regret.
Who else could have provided so much great copy out of the Utegate affair while at the same time, however inadvertently, saving Wayne Swan’s skin and martyring Godwin Grech?
There is no question that it was Malcolm which made the ETS famous, an achievement quite beyond Kevin and Penny.
Malcolm’s political career however was always prime minister or bust. He thrusted, lusted, combusted, disgusted, mistrusted but never readjusted and so busted.
On behalf of Friday Mash thank you Malcolm for all the wonderful material and may Kevin find you a great job soon.
Dick Head is currently advising the NSW Government on amnesia.
Tags: Bredan Nelson, Cephologists, Dick Head, ETS, Godwin Grech, Julie Bishop, Liberals, Malcolm Turnbull, Penny Wong, South Australia, Tasmania, the Greens, Tony Abbott, Utegate, vote-counting, Wayne Swan
Posted in Canberra correspondent - Dick Head | 1 Comment »
There has long been a suspicion that Malcolm’s surname had something to do with him being born in a manger.
Over the years, however, his claims as the ultimate Saviour have been undermined by an excess of epiphanies.
It is true that for most of his life he has been a leading Profit of the Neo-liberal faith. His reputation was confirmed by a number of miracles while Wizard of OzEmail and an ability to turn loaves and fishes into dollars.
His first deviation from the path of true righteousness was a dance with the devil of republicanism. This enraged King John who was the Neo-Liberal Monarch of the Land and he gave Malcolm a right royal kick up the referendum.
In his infinite mercy King John forgave Malcolm and encouraged his election to the Neo-Liberal broad church where he became Apostle of Water and Environment. Malcolm thought it would be a great opportunity to get amongst the greenbacks but instead it awakened within him a calling to Climate Change.
King Kevin, the leader of Climate Change in Australia, dethroned King John to become the new leader of the land while climate change disciple Malcolm became Leader of the Neo-Liberals.
At this time Godwin, a leading disciple of Malcolm’s, told him he had a vehicle for running over King Kevin and putting Malcolm in the driver’s seat. Alas it turned out to be merely a humble ute and Godwin was bearing false witness.
Some of the Neo-Liberals became really pissed with Malcolm over the parable of Utegate as well as his sermons in support of climate change and the religious ETS fanatic Penny.
The polls were indicating that his bright star had long since fallen from its position over Bethlehem and even Canberra.
A pall of smoke heavy with carbon emissions announced that the College of Cardinal Neo-Liberals had replaced Malcolm as Leader with the Mad Monk. Malcolm was quietly crucified and left to carry a Cross between Utegate and Climate Change of his own making.
And it came to pass that Barnaby, a leading Neo-Liberal apostle kept stuffing up his maths and the Mad Monk decided he had to be moved to a different diocese.
Deep within his humble resting place in the wastes of Westworth a flicker of Neo-Liberal life stirred within Malcolm. He was confident his maths were up to the job.
The Mad Monk, however, was not so sure. He believed Malcolm still followed the teachings of Climate Change. Before he got back into bed with Malcolm, he perceived he would need the sort of protection forbidden to him by another religion which keeps getting in his way.
And so it came to pass that there will be no Resurrection of Malcolm this Easter. It’s such a shame because his disciples had already booked a church to celebrate. And sadly they only needed a small church.
Malcolm is left with Easter Egg all over his face.
Tags: Barnaby Joyce, Bethlehem, Climate Change, Easter Egg, ETS, Godwin Grech, John Howard, Kevin Rudd, Mad Monk, Malcolm Turnbull, OzEmail, Penny Wong, Utegate
Posted in Politics, Weekly Mash | No Comments »
An Unfair Slug
Tony’s path to success in the debate against Kevin was littered with worm droppings.
No Excuses
Kristina’s mother told her it was only polite to say ‘excuse me’ before interrupting someone. She should have told her that interrupting a politician is a public service.
Doing the Ironing
Last Sunday Tony swam 3.8 kms, cycled 180 kms and ran 42.2 kms. Kevin was in church praying for a shark, a puncture or for someone to forget the powerade.
Cardboard Cutout
Kevin is now training for a Paperman Event which comprises wading through files, recycling and doing a print run.
Stuff Happens
Countries which give stuff are the US, UK and Australia. Iran, Venezuela and North Korea are countries which don’t give a stuff.
Coming for a Song
Congratulations to Kevin for surpassing John Howard’s record of fourteen asylum seeker boats in a month. Experts believe he could double that number by processing asylum seekers at Opera House matinees. In fact it could be a very long-running production with heavy advance bookings particularly from Indonesia.
Not Wong
Penny Wong told us that if parliament didn’t pass the ETS legislation before Christmas we could expect all manner of disasters. She was right but she didn’t tell us they would be as disastrous as the home insulation scheme and building the education revolution.
Brass band
John Howard was the Man of Steel, Tony Abbott is the Ironman but Kevin is yet to show his mettle.
Tags: asylum seekers, education revolution, ETS, home insulation scheme, Indonesia, Iran, Ironman, John Howard, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, Man of Steel, North Korea, Penny Wong, recycling, Tony Abbott, UK, US, Venezuela
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
1st April 2010
Dear Mr President,
Last week when I was in Canberra I popped into the US Embassy and introduced myself to Jeff Bleich your ambassador. Such a lovely man.
Would you believe he invited Neville and me to have afternoon tea with you and Michelle during your visit in June. I’m so thrilled I think I’ll burst. Jeff asked me to talk to you about the world’s first Obama Fan Club because he thinks its an absolutely brilliant concept.
I just can’t make my mind up about all the asylum seekers who are sailing across here from Indonesia. You have to be sorry for them but I can’t help feeling that one day we’ll be overrun. All it will take is the population of Afghanistan to decide they’ve had enough of the joint and hire a few cruise ships to take them to Australia. Can you imagine Kevin trying to pick the Taliban out of that lot?
I understand why the Afghans would want to live in a country run by Kevin rather than that Karzai chap but they don’t know a thing about rugby league or cricket. And I hope someone at Christmas Island warns them about Wilson Tuckey, the Eels’ disappointing start to the season, Alan Jones, Tony’s beachwear, Barnaby Joyce and the home insulation scheme.
People smuggling is such a profitable business that Neville’s thinking of getting into it. He’s got a genius plan. He’s going to buy old Sydney ferries when Kristina flogs them off. Then he’ll fill them up with asylum seekers in Indonesia, charge ten thousand bucks a head, sail into Sydney Harbour and unload them at Circular Quay. No-one will take a blind bit of notice because they’ll think it’s the Manly Ferry.
The World Affairs Think Tank sprang back into action this week by coming up with advice for you on how to handle the Chinese. I know how difficult it can be..
First you’ve got to understand who you’re talking to because what with Stern Hu and President Hu sometimes its difficult to know who’s Hu.
Then you could play pingpong or mah-jong in Hong Kong or Haiphong or dingdong over Falun Gong or Mao Zedong right or wrong or who flung dong at Penny Wong or some nong in a thong going for a song on a chaise longue in Guangdong.
Sorry, we couldn’t think of anything serious and we just got carried away.
Whatever you do don’t get Kevin to speak to the Chinese on your behalf. Ever since he started talking to them in Chinese they’ve gone right off him. He must speak Uighur with a Tibetan accent.
Oh by the way if you’ve panicked at the thought of having tea with me at the Embassy – APRIL FOOL. Ha ha, caught you that time.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Alan Jones, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Christmas Island, Eels, Guangdong, home insulation scheme, Hong Kong, Jeff Bleich, Karzai, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, mah-jong, Manly Ferry, Mao Zedong, Michele Obama, Penny Wong, people smugglers, people smuggling, President Hu, President Obama, President of USA, Stern Hu, Taliban, Tibet, Tony Abbott, Wilson Tuckey
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Street Wear
When he’s out promoting school hall building programmes Kevin wears a hard hat and he wears surgeon’s gear when he’s talking up his hospitals plan. What on earth will he wear to announce his policy for brothels?
Swearing Out Ceremony
There is a move in California to legislate against foul language. This is indicative that the State Treasury is only slightly more bankrupt than Californian English.
Blocker
The Labor Government wheeled out Stephen Conroy, Jennie Macklin, Penny Wong, Lindsay Tanner and Nicola Roxon for a media conference to moan about Tony Abbott blocking things. These are the architects of the disastrous Telstra plan, the laughable Aboriginal Housing Scheme, the ETS, the debt and deficit and the half-baked hospitals plan. Keep up the good work Tony.
Welcome to the Asylum
News that Yudhoyono is going to arrest people smugglers opens up the prospect of a real earner for the federal government. They could offer asylum seekers a cruise from Indonesia to Christmas Island on the Oceanic Viking for only five thousand dollars. This is less than the people smugglers charge, would earn unstinted praise from Amnesty International and could encourage Hyatt Hotels to build a decent pad on Christmas Island.
Travelling by Tube
It was disappointing to hear that Lara’s engagement ring had gone down the toilet especially, as now seems likely, she was wearing it at the time.
Unsuitable Treatment
It turned really frosty in Sydney when Kevin dropped in to talk to Kristina about hospitals. This was obviously another disastrous effect of climate change.
Non-Stop Motoring
Experts advise that you should only engage cruise control on Toyota vehicles if you’re low on petrol and on a long trip down a straight motorway.
Obama Drama
It looks like Obama wont be coming to Australia until his healthcare bill has been passed. He’s blaming Tony Abbott for blocking it in the Senate.
Tags: Aboriginal Housing Scheme, Amnesty International, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, Climate Change, ETS, Health, healthcare, healthcare bill, hospitals, Hyatt Hotels, Indonesia, Jennie Macklin, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, KRudd, Labor Government, Labour Party, Lara Bingle, Lindsay Tanner, Nicola Roxon, Oceanic Viking, Penny Wong, people smugglers, Peter Costello, Stephen Conroy, Telstra, Tony Abbott, Toyota, Yudhoyono
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Putt and Take
Tiger Woods is reportedly making a comeback later this year. No word yet on which nightclub it will be at.
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Life’s a Beach
Environmentalists are concerned that the rising tide of ETS dissent could erode Penny Wong and wash her away.
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Doomsday Scenario
The International Atomic Energy Agency has expressed concern that Peter Garrett might one day become the Australian minister responsible for the development of nuclear power stations.
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The Love of Sport
If sex becomes an Olympic sport will Tiger Woods switch codes?
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Getting Better
Obama has taken steps to involve Republicans in developing his healthcare plan. The aborigines could teach him more about bush medicine than George.
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Poor Batting
The Government’s insulation debacle has had a marked effect on house design. Nobody wants a garret in their roof anymore.
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Dear John
Now it turns out that just like Andrew Peacock and Peter Costello, Malcolm Fraser can’t stand John Howard either. But on the other hand there’s George W. Bush and Tony Abbott who think John is great while no one’s even bothered to ask Mark Latham yet and he’s normally very liberal with his opinions.
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Insulated from Terrorism
There was intense debate in federal parliament this week about whether the home insulation scheme was a bigger threat to the community than home-grown terrorism. It’s a close run thing but Friday Mash sincerely believes the Federal Government is less of a threat than Al Qaeda.
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Tags: Al Qaeda, Andrew Peacock, Barack Obama, ETS, George W Bush, Insulation, John Howard, Mark Latham, Obama Healthcare, Penny Wong, Peter Costello, Peter Garrett, Republicans, Terrorism, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott, US President
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Tony Jones’ interview with Penny Wong on the 4th February edition of Lateline was an absolute classic.
For the transcript, click here
Watch Penny Wong Interviewed on ABC's Lateline
For those of us craving a clear, concise and logical explanation of what on earth the ETS is all about the occasion was richly entertaining but not alas enlightening.
Despite being asked repeatedly about the ETS’ cost impact on families – working, non-working and bone idle – not a single figure passed Penny’s lips. She claimed that extensive modelling was released in 2008. That was apparently too long ago for her to remember the numbers it contained but for those who are still interested there is always the chance of coming across it in a library or a loo.
Tony’s questions about the ETS cost hikes to families in the event of an emissions reduction target higher than five percent were met buy a dogged refusal even to countenance such an abstruse notion.
The kindest possible assessment of Penny’s interview is that it added diddly squat to viewers’ storehouse of ETS knowledge and may even have eroded it slightly. But wait. On the subject of Tony Abbott’s Emissions Reduction Fund Penny demonstrated encyclopaedic knowledge. She came armed with sheafs of documents claimed to contain irrefutable evidence that Tony’s ERF was a non-starter and would cost squillions more than the ETS whatever that costs.
This was like a football coach explaining that his team’s tactics were based on a 2008 plan which he couldn’t remember but that doesn’t matter because the opposition are so hopeless.
Kevin has admitted that his government must improve their communications about the ETS. The question is did he forget to tell Penny, did she ignore him or was this, heaven help us, what she considered to be an improved communication.
Probably as a result of urgings by the spin doctors to soften her image Penny has developed a sudden synthetic smile for television interviews. When Tony asked questions she considered tiresome, embarrassing or downright dangerous she flashed on the smile to mask a face almost certainly contorted with rage and betraying an irresistible urge to choke the living shit out of him. Luckily he was in a studio hundreds of kilometres away.
The interview raised the issue of who can we possibly believe on matters of climate change.
Polar bears are the living proof we can’t trust Al Gore. Penny is about as helpful as a call centre operator in Bangalore and Kevin’s still got a Copenhagen complex. Climate change scientists have slipped up on the Himalayan glaciers and following his recent conversion it is too soon to expect anything sensible from Tony Abbott.
No wonder Lord Monckton is commanding so much attention. His is the only clear message on climate change; lie back for ten years, let it happen and then take stock. Even if he isn’t right its refreshing to hear a convenient truth amongst the deluge of inconvenient, incomprehensible and disingenuous approximations.
With all due respect to Kevin, climate change is not the greatest moral challenge of our generation. It is rather persuading politicians, scientists and opinion leaders to come clean about it.
Tags: Al Gore, Climate Change, Copenhagen, emission trading, ETS, Kevin Rudd, Lateline, Lord Monckton, Penny Wong, Tony Abbott, Tony Jones
Posted in Weekly Mash | 1 Comment »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
5th February 2010
Dear Mr President,
I was having a cup of tea with Marge when all of a sudden they announced your March visit on the telly. We couldn’t believe it. Marge was so overcome she almost had an accident.
We haven’t got word on your schedule yet and heaven forbid we seem presumptive but you know you’ll get a wonderful welcome at the world’s first Obama Fan Club whether it’s for a keynote address or a cup of tea; but definitely not a Tea Party.
I’ll be in touch with your appointments secretary within the next week or two. It’s so exciting.
I know you’re a few trillions in the red at the moment so while you’re here don’t hesitate to tap Kevin for a stimulus package. I’m sure you qualify.
Tony Abbott’s just released his new carbon emissions reduction plan. I think its something he cooked up over the Christmas holidays. What a cheek to claim he’s got a package as good as the ETS which Kevin and Penny have been working on for years. I’m afraid we’re in for a long boring argument about who’s got the biggest and the one which emits less smoke.
By the way I’ve just checked and the RSL memorial hall will almost certainly be available during your visit. We could fit in a hundred and seventy-five at a pinch with a cup of tea and egg and lettuce sandwiches and Fred is confident he could arrange a tour of the local meatworks.
The Club’s World Affairs Think Tank has been worried about your Iran problem for some time. Bombing the place would not be a good look so soon after scoring the Nobel Peace Prize. So we devoted our session this week to creating alternative strategic tactics to dissuade Ahmadinejad from going ballistic and nuclear.
Fred made a very thoughtful first contribution to a Think Tank session. He was strongly in favour of stuffing up Iran completely by holding the next climate change conference there.
Mildred thought Ahmadinejad craved recognition. She suggested you invite him over to the White House and present him with a major international award like the World’s Worst Dressed President.
Our Mavis’ Bert had a brilliant idea. We should arrange an exchange agreement between the Iranian Government and the NSW Government. Ahmadinejad could advise the NSW Government on vote rigging techniques for the 2011 election and in return they could apply their North-West Metro project development model to his nuclear programme. That should put it back at least twenty years.
Our Mavis thought that Ahmadinejad would feel a natural political affinity with the NSW Shooters Party.
Marge had the idea of the night. She reckoned that as Ahmadinejad was so keen on sponsoring terrorists the Pittsburgh Steelers offered him better value for money than Hamas. They’re always on the telly and they strike terror into everyone.
I was at a loss to sum up such brilliance. Please feel free to take your pick of any of these and don’t forget to give Hillary a comprehensive briefing.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Ahmadinejad, Barack Obama, carbon emissions trading, Debt, ETS, Hamas, Hillary Clinton, Iran nuclear program, Kevin Rudd, Nobel Peace Prize, NSW Labor Government, NSW Shooters Party, Obama Fan Club, Penny Wong, Pittsburgh Steelers, President of USA, Tony Abbott, White House
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 9 Comments »
Virgin on the Political
George Brandis claimed that Julia Gillard is not qualified to pronounce on parenting because she doesn’t have children. He was however quite happy for her to discuss virginity with the hopelessly unqualified Tony Abbott.
Ball Control
There seems to be a concerted move in the UK to prevent John Terry’s sexual indiscretions being placed in the same league as Tiger’s. It is claimed he merely put the finishing touches to a movement down his right flank.
Blockbuster
Serena Williams victory in the Australian Open seemed to be the antithesis of the outcome in Avatar.
Sheer Terror
Obama is searching for the ideal environment for the trial of the 9/11 masterminds now that the Big Apple plan has been juiced. Support is growing for setting up a video link between the courtroom and the defendants traveling on a pilotless plane on course to crash into Al Qaeda central.
Lord Blair of Baghdad
The Iraq Inquiry in the UK seems increasingly like a deliberate attempt to undermine George W Bush’s place in history and pin all the blame for the war on Tony Blair. And it’s an absolute scandal that so far there’s been no mention of John Howard.
The Penny Hasn’t Dropped
Kevin and Penny Wong are having a third go at getting the Lazarus ETS legislation passed by parliament.
They must either know something the rest of us don’t or don’t know something the rest of us do.
The evidence available to mere mortals indicates that the EU’s ETS is useless, Europe won’t set emissions reductions targets before the US who won’t set them before China who won’t set them. The scientific evidence underpinning an ETS looks increasingly discredited and the only delegates in Copenhagen who looked remotely interested in taking urgent action on climate change were Kevin, Penny and those from small developing countries excited by the prospect of a big cash handout.
Perhaps its just that Kevin and Penny have seen An Inconvenient Truth too many times or they haven’t yet seen the latest Newspoll.
Men of Action
Kevin and Obama are both heavily criticised for being all talk and no action. Perhaps action has become an unacceptable political risk undertaken only by carpetbaggers like George W Bush and Tony Abbott.
Tags: 9/11, Al Qaeda, Avatar, Barack Obama, Big Apple, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, ETS, George Brandis, George Bush, George W Bush, John Howard, John Terry, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Penny Wong, Serena Williams, The Iraq Inquiry, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott, Tony Blair
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
22nd January 2010
Dear Mr President,
We’re all so disappointed. Hillary canceled her visit to Australia. It’s such a shame. We even had the local mayor lined up for an official welcome.
We’re not sure whether she had to go and sort out another disaster in world affairs or in Bill’s affairs.
It was too late to invite Prince William to take her place. Lovely young fellow he is. I’d marry him myself if it wasn’t for Neville and the fact that I’m already Queen of the Beauthaven Beer Festival.
What on earth’s going on in your country? Fancy calling poor old Harry Reid a racist. He isn’t even in the Republican Party.
Even I was accused of racism last week. I refused to let this friend of Gladys’ join the club. Its true he’s a Sri Lankan but he’s also an absolute arsehole.
You’re not going to believe this but Penny Wong’s already rabbiting on about a third go at passing the ETS legislation. Its like having to sit through one of Fidel Castro’s speeches for a third time. Can’t you find her a position measuring climate change in Northern Alaska?
I know you’ll be thrilled to hear that this week our World Affairs Think Tank tackled one of the most momentous questions facing Australia, ‘Should we become a republic’. It would have been lovely to have Prince William there to speak on behalf of his mother.
Marge reckoned it all depends on what sort of republic. We don’t want to become a banana republic or a republic like Germany and Russia which don’t seem to have any fun and start all the wars. She recognised that the US was also a republic which started wars but at least you seem to have a bit of fun.
Gladys thought it was a shame that the US was no longer a monarchy because we could have played you at cricket and you wouldn’t be wasting so much time in the shower.
Cyril said it would be great if Australia became a republic because Malcolm Turnbull could become President and it would stop him making a nuisance of himself.
Mildred believed that Australia should stay a monarchy with an Aussie royal family. All our royal talent like Princess Mary are having to go abroad because of a lack of opportunities back home.
Our Mavis’ Bert agreed with Mildred and said that even the Welsh Rugby team had its own Queen.
Mavis thought that Malcolm Fraser is qualified to become King of Australia because he’s such a right royal pain in the ass.
Arthur thought we should become a republic to avoid getting a Queen whose only qualification for the job was a propensity for sending Charles potty with passion.
I summed it all up brilliantly by pointing out that as the Obama Fan Club was dedicated to a Democrat there’s no way we can support Australia becoming Republican.
I’m so excited that we’re producing such good stuff for you.
Till next week.
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, ETS, Fidel Castro, Harry Reid, Hillary Clinton, Malcolm Fraser, Malcolm Turnbull, Obama Fan Club, Penny Wong, President, President of USA, Prince Charles, Prince William, Princess Mary, Republican Party, The Queen
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
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