Guy the Friday Mash Superfly brings you all the latest buzz on the powerful and the pathetic from his unique vantage point high up on the walls of their offices.
Kevin convened a meeting with Julia, Wayne and Penny to discuss tactics for a third go at getting the ETS legislation passed.
‘Fair suck of the sauce bottle’ said Kevin ‘Penny spends ages locked away with that MacFarlane guy, we get Malcolm in our pocket and then the Coalition go fxxking feral and we’re up against a climate change cretin like the Mad Monk. He’s your mate Julia, can’t you do some budgie smuggling with him?’
‘Now Kevin let’s be absolutely clear about this’ said Julia ‘I went off him after he called you a toxic bore, an egregious egotist, a prissy, preening little nerd and a …’
‘Alright, alright’ said Kevin ‘now here’s the plan. We’ll have to explain the ETS a bit more like coming clean about what its actually going to cost people’
‘Good heavens’ said Penny, visibly shaken ‘you can’t to that. You can’t trust people to put the fate of the world and this government before their own greedy self-interest.’
‘All we have to say’ said Kevin ‘is that everyone’s getting an ETS rebate. We don’t have to reveal that for half the population it’s hopelessly inadequate. And Penny I want you to lead an ETS charm offensive. Have your face permanently botoxed into a smile and stop referring to Tony Abbott as a Neanderthal sub-human sceptic’
‘I’d rather spend another week at the Copenhagen Conference’ said Penny
‘I think we should review whether the ETS is the best way to reduce carbon emissions’ said Wayne
Kevin recoiled in horror like someone had just served him a beef sandwich.
‘What the fxxk are you talking about Wayne’ he roared ‘of course it’s the fxxking best way’
‘Shouldn’t we set up a parliamentary committee to investigate it?’ asked Wayne bravely ‘I mean it’s a huge economic pain in the ass and the Northern Hemisphere’s just entered a new ice age’
‘I’ve already got five committees investigating it’ said Kevin ‘and there’s another committee analysing whether we should have another committee’
The intercom buzzed ‘Excuse me prime minister, John Grant’s on the phone asking whether you’ll need to borrow a ute for the next election’
‘Tell him I’ll need two’ said Kevin ‘there isn’t room for my hair dryer if I only use one’
‘Well I’d bring in another stimulus package’ said Wayne ‘to pay everybody’s electricity bills’.
‘That’s a fxxking stupid idea’ said Kevin ‘I’m spending all my time trying to stop Julia wasting stimulus money on senseless school halls’
‘I know’ said Julia ‘we should give everybody work choices. They can either install their own solar heating or spend their weekends at power stations cleaning coal’
‘Brilliant’ said Kevin ‘I’ve always liked the idea of work choices’
Loading ...