Posts Tagged ‘people smugglers’
This is a Friday Mash community service announcement designed to help people considering a career in people smuggling.
The business is booming because it provides a unique service for people wishing to travel incognito internationally without a passport like terrorists, asylum seekers and ex-NSW Government ministers.
But aspiring people smugglers must be rigorous in there career assessment protocols. They have to weigh carefully the chances of making a fortune against the awful prospect of being labelled a criminal or the even greater threat to the profession posed by Tony Abbott becoming prime minister.
People smuggling is without question a sound business model. Asylum seekers pay around ten times the Qantas rate for the trip from the Middle East to Australia, there’s no need to pay any attention to passenger complaints and no fare refunds even if passengers end up in a prison, the wrong country or the sea.
Complaints about accommodation standards on Christmas Island are handled by the Australian Government.
The longer-term future for people smuggling is guaranteed by people like Ahmadinejad, the Taliban and the Sri Lankan Government who somehow managed to make life even under Kevin seem an attractive prospect.
The Australian Labor Government seems somewhat ambivalent about people smugglers. On the one hand they deem them a lower form of life than mining magnates but on the other are rebuilding asylum seeker detention centres all over the country through a new stimulus package and have cancelled John Howard’s No Work Choices policy for people smugglers which was considered so inhumane.
Some political analysts believe the government actually wants the people smuggling networks kept in place in the hope they can create an asylum seeker reverse flow. They will need to provide people smugglers however with superior people smuggling boats capable of making a return trip to Indonesia.
Careers in people smuggling could get a huge boost through supporting Tony Burke the Population Minister. Tony is likely to be charged with increasing Australia’s population from twenty-two million to thirty-five million buy 2050. The gay community wont be much help and heterosexual intercourse wont take up all the slack.
That’s where people smugglers could come in.
If they delivered 6250 asylum seekres a week for the next forty years all Tony’s worries would be over. This would merely require a huge expansion in Christmas Island accommodation and chartering the Queen Mary for two or three return trips between there and Indonesia each week.
It should be kept in mind that a people smuggling career demands relocation abroad for Australians, so as to minimise the chances of going to prison. This seems so unfair given the rich cultural diversity people smugglers bring to the country, to say nothing of their humanitarian contribution to the cause of asylum seekers and their outstanding contribution potentially to the Green Party’s open door immigration policy.
Let’s not pretend that people smugglers are perceived to have the professional integrity of judges or heart surgeons. Indeed they are reviled in some quarters for facilitating asylum seeker queue jumping and Qantas is ropable about the loss of so much international business. Sources believe their plan to fight back by introducing passport-free flights is doomed to fail.
But a career in people smuggling can certainly claim the moral high ground against professions which have largely facilitated its creation like politics and the church.
Tags: Ahmadinejad, asylum seekers, Christmas Island, John Howard satire, Kevin Rudd satire, people smugglers, Qantas, the Taliban, Tony Abbott satire, Tony Burke
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Guy the Friday Mash Superfly managed to land on a wall at the location of a recent meeting between prominent people smugglers in Indonesia. He has just sent in this exclusive report.
‘It’s an absolute outrage’ said Kris ‘Tony Abbott’s new policy could put us out of business’
‘I know’ said Gus ‘what’s more it’s inhumane. He’s proposing to send our boats back here when most of them are scarcely seaworthy enough to make it to Christmas Island let alone make a return trip’
‘The Australian Government is a joke’ said Andi ‘We can’t afford to send the asylum seekers in decent boats because they conviscate them all. If they allowed us to do return trips we could afford to use boats with passenger lounges and put on a catering service’
‘It’s difficult to understand their mindset’ said Gus ‘they have this population expansion policy so they need immigrants but we get dumped on for making it happen’
‘Well’ said Kris ‘I hope they understand they’re in danger of losing their status as the world’s number one asylum seeker destination. It’s almost as difficult working with Rudd as it would be with Abbott’
‘We’ll have to think about sailing to a different asylum’ said Andi
‘How about New Zealand?’
‘Good heavens’ said Andi ‘I know we can be pretty ruthless bastards but we’re not that bad’
‘If only the Australian Government would get out of the way said Kris ‘we’ve got enough punters in the supply line to repopulate Darwin’
‘It’s ironic’ said Gus ‘that the Aussies are going on about the wonderful cultural diversity asylum seekers bring to the joint yet they’re sending the Federal Police over here to hunt us down like we’re criminals’
‘I can’t believe it’ said Andi ‘you would think we’d be in line for a United Nations humanitarian award for all the great work we do helping persecuted people find a sanctuary. I must say there are days when I feel quite humanitarian’
‘And the Aussies criticise us for charging the asylum seekers too much’ said Gus ‘ Do they think we are running a bloody benevolent society?’
‘Is there any chance Abbott will get elected?’ asked Kris
‘There’s a chance’ said Andi ‘so we’ve got to get some contingency plans together because we might go back to the inhumane days of that ghastly John Howard. How about if we start a selection process and only accept genuine refugees?’
‘’That wouldn’t impress Abbott’ said Kris ‘he doesn’t believe there is such a thing as genuine refugees. I’m thinking of using a submarine which only surfaces when it gets to Christmas Island’
‘The problem is’ said Gus ‘that the bastard Aussies would conviscate it just like any planes we sent over. All we would be doing is restocking their navy and air force for nothing’
‘Let’s buy the Tampa’ said Kris
‘Don’t be stupid’ said Gus ‘that would be a sure way to get Abbott elected’
‘I’ve got it’ said Andi ‘let’s offer to pay the Aussie Government a super profits tax’
‘Don’t be ridiculous’ said Gus ‘not even the mining companies can afford to pay that’
Tags: asylum seekers, Christmas Island, Guy the Fly, Indonesia, John Howard, Kevin Rudd, New Zealand, people smugglers, refugee, repopulate Darwin, super profits tax, Tampa, Tony Abbott, United Nations
Posted in Fly on the Wall | 1 Comment »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
24th April 2010
Dear Mr. President,
The Obama Fan Club wanted me to tell you how thrilled we all are about your successes in healthcare and nuclear disarmament. We passed a resolution at Tuesday’s meeting congratulating you on meeting our expectations. We’ll send you a copy of the minutes for framing.
A motion by some misguided loon that we should change our name to the Rudd Fan Club was defeated 23-1. We love Kevin but he’s not in your class.
It was the unanimous view of Club members that the World Affairs Think Tank should address the asylum seeker crisis in Australia because its such a worry. I knew you’d be interested and I’ll send our conclusions to Kevin who doesn’t seem to be any better after spending so much time in hospitals.
As the Think Tank chairperson I warned members against using racist remarks or making racist accusations during the session. That was my job.
Madge got us going with a particularly incisive address. She said it was an absolute disgrace that people smugglers were making so much money out of asylum seekers. If we just sit back and let it happen one day they’ll have enough money to buy a cruise ship big enough to ferry thousands at a time from Indonesia to Christmas Island. Or perhaps they’ll just lease the Oceanic Viking.
Our Mavis’ Bert reckoned Australia should tax the people smugglers to pay for Christmas Island.
Mavis asserted that Kevin was right to hold Sri Lankan and Afghan asylum seekers in detention pending a decision to send them home where all is peace and serenity. Her brother reckons there’s no Tea Parties in Sri Lanka and her nephew is in Afghanistan fighting the Taliban and hasn’t been shot or anything.
Eunice believed that asylum seekers suffer from the delusion that Australia is a sort of paradise or a Kevin07 heaven.
Mildred said she couldn’t cope with the current level of multiculturalism let alone making it more complicated. She’s still trying to understand Aboriginal reconciliation and always gets wind from Chinese food.
Marj thought the asylum seeker detention centres are ghastly places just like the motel her uncle runs in Albury.
Elsie said we should stop all immigration immediately. They bring in more carbon footprints, need extra hospital beds which Kevin can’t afford and goodness knows how many extra COLAs their kids will need at a million bucks a throw.
Neville said he was disappointed that Kevin’s new policy had failed to attract boatloads of hot sheilas to seek asylum here.
I summed up by saying that first we need to tackle the people smugglers issue. We should only accept asylum seekers brought in by Aussie people smugglers because we could trust them.
Then we should concentrate on giving priority to asylum seekers who are good looking, potential Eels supporters and Labor voters. They’d have no problems integrating round here.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Aborigines, Afghan, Afghanistan, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, COLA, detention centres, hospital plan, hospitals, hot sheilas, Indonesia, Kevin 07, Kevin Rudd, Obama Fan Club, Oceanic Viking, people smugglers, President of USA, Taliban, US President, World Affairs Think Tank
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 1 Comment »
Unconscious Decisions
Doctor’s are delighted that Kevin and Nicola Roxon have become such frequent visitors to hospitals. They have recognised them as the clinically preferred way of sending patients into an induced coma.
Once Bitten
The Apple Isle has appeal on the outside, is quite sweet on the inside but its politics are enough to give you the pip.
Waste Measurement
Responding to criticism that his asylum seeker policy is all at sea, his ETS policy has gone cold, his BER programme has failed the test, his home insulation scheme has burnt out and his hospitals scheme is the wrong medicine, Kevin challenged Tony Abbott to come up with policies which are a better waste of money.
Conservation Consternation
The Greens in Tasmania have taken steps to ensure the Bartlett doesn’t become extinct. Even environmentalists are puzzled as to why they would want to preserve this devious creature as a premier species.
A People Person
Tony Burke has become Australia’s first Population Minister. He will be spending most of his time counting arrivals at maternity wards and Christmas Island. Population growth is simply a matter of course, the people smugglers’ course and intercourse.
Severe Weather Warning
Scientists believe the next global warming disaster will be the re-emergence of Penny Wong with a new ETS.
Afghans Hounded
In a brilliant pre-emptive move Kevin has thwarted the Taliban plan to take over Afghanistan by forcing the rest of the population to migrate to Australia.
Working Themselves to a Standstill
Responding to the news that motorists had been abandoned for up to ten hours in the F3 Motorway traffic foul-up, the NSW Government said it wasn’t their responsibility because you can’t expect the premier or the transport minister to be responsible, the incident proved their theory that by reducing traffic speeds to 1km per hour you improved road safety, their counter-flow system worked brilliantly when it was introduced eight hours after the accident and get stuffed and go by train next time.
Tags: Afghanistan, Apple Isle, asylum seekers, Bartlett, BER, Christmas Island, environmentalists, ETS, global warming, home insulation scheme, hospitals, Kevin Rudd, Nicola Roxon, NSW Government, Penny Wong, people smugglers, Sydney traffic problems, Taliban, the Greens, Tony Abbott, Tony Burke
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Latest Friday Mash polling has produced some compelling insights into the standing of Aussie political leaders amongst the electorate.
.5% preferred Kevin as prime minister, .4% preferred Tony and 99.1% preferred ‘other’. In fact Kevin went down sixty points because of a marked trend amongst the electorate towards preferring the other. Tony went up .1% owing to a statistical error.
People smugglers came out strongly for Kevin because he’s much better for business. Asylum seekers favoured Tony because they perceived that when it came to getting the support of the Aussie community he was in much the same boat.
They also thought Tony would be a better lifesaver if their boat sank but were interested in a game of deck quoits with Kevin on the voyage across from Indonesia.
95% of respondents expressed the strong view that Kevin should spend more time abroad. This result may heave been unduly skewed by multiple responses in the affirmative from his staff and his parliamentary colleagues especially Julia.
In response to the question ‘who would you prefer to instruct your daughter about sex?’ there was an overwhelming vote in favour of Kevin because he’s all talk and no action.
Tony was seen as a sex symbol amongst nuns and triathlon groupies. Kevin’s image varied between neutral and neutered although he turns on Tin Tin fans.
Kevin scored very heavily in response to the question ‘who would you trust to keep the home fires burning?’ but Tony was equally favoured in response to ‘who would you trust to keep a roof over your head?’
Kevin was strongly supported by building contractors specialising in schools and hospitals. Parents were ambivalent. Whilst they were pleased that Covered Outside Learning Areas prevented their kids from burning they realised that as taxpayers they were getting burned instead.
Women are appreciative of Tony’s post-natal policy for salary support but are pissed off by his view that they shouldn’t have a pre-natal choice of whether to qualify for it or not.
Kevin was strongly preferred as saviour of the world from global warming and the global financial crisis but Tony, as living proof that a celibate Abbott is an oxymoron, was thought to be a better bet for saving it from catholic priests.
Kevin was more popular amongst people like Poms who do everything with their clothes on while nudists are confident that Tony will be Australia’s first topless prime minister.
Kevin is rated favourite to become Australian’s first president while Tony’ intimate experiences with budgies is seen to put him ahead of Charles in the King of Australia pecking order.
Competition between Kevin and Tony is expected to intensify now there’s no Malcolm in the middle.
Tags: Add new tag, asylum seekers, Indonesia, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, nudists, people smugglers, Prince Charles, Tin Tin, Tony Abbott
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
1st April 2010
Dear Mr President,
Last week when I was in Canberra I popped into the US Embassy and introduced myself to Jeff Bleich your ambassador. Such a lovely man.
Would you believe he invited Neville and me to have afternoon tea with you and Michelle during your visit in June. I’m so thrilled I think I’ll burst. Jeff asked me to talk to you about the world’s first Obama Fan Club because he thinks its an absolutely brilliant concept.
I just can’t make my mind up about all the asylum seekers who are sailing across here from Indonesia. You have to be sorry for them but I can’t help feeling that one day we’ll be overrun. All it will take is the population of Afghanistan to decide they’ve had enough of the joint and hire a few cruise ships to take them to Australia. Can you imagine Kevin trying to pick the Taliban out of that lot?
I understand why the Afghans would want to live in a country run by Kevin rather than that Karzai chap but they don’t know a thing about rugby league or cricket. And I hope someone at Christmas Island warns them about Wilson Tuckey, the Eels’ disappointing start to the season, Alan Jones, Tony’s beachwear, Barnaby Joyce and the home insulation scheme.
People smuggling is such a profitable business that Neville’s thinking of getting into it. He’s got a genius plan. He’s going to buy old Sydney ferries when Kristina flogs them off. Then he’ll fill them up with asylum seekers in Indonesia, charge ten thousand bucks a head, sail into Sydney Harbour and unload them at Circular Quay. No-one will take a blind bit of notice because they’ll think it’s the Manly Ferry.
The World Affairs Think Tank sprang back into action this week by coming up with advice for you on how to handle the Chinese. I know how difficult it can be..
First you’ve got to understand who you’re talking to because what with Stern Hu and President Hu sometimes its difficult to know who’s Hu.
Then you could play pingpong or mah-jong in Hong Kong or Haiphong or dingdong over Falun Gong or Mao Zedong right or wrong or who flung dong at Penny Wong or some nong in a thong going for a song on a chaise longue in Guangdong.
Sorry, we couldn’t think of anything serious and we just got carried away.
Whatever you do don’t get Kevin to speak to the Chinese on your behalf. Ever since he started talking to them in Chinese they’ve gone right off him. He must speak Uighur with a Tibetan accent.
Oh by the way if you’ve panicked at the thought of having tea with me at the Embassy – APRIL FOOL. Ha ha, caught you that time.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Alan Jones, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Christmas Island, Eels, Guangdong, home insulation scheme, Hong Kong, Jeff Bleich, Karzai, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, mah-jong, Manly Ferry, Mao Zedong, Michele Obama, Penny Wong, people smugglers, people smuggling, President Hu, President Obama, President of USA, Stern Hu, Taliban, Tibet, Tony Abbott, Wilson Tuckey
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Street Wear
When he’s out promoting school hall building programmes Kevin wears a hard hat and he wears surgeon’s gear when he’s talking up his hospitals plan. What on earth will he wear to announce his policy for brothels?
Swearing Out Ceremony
There is a move in California to legislate against foul language. This is indicative that the State Treasury is only slightly more bankrupt than Californian English.
Blocker
The Labor Government wheeled out Stephen Conroy, Jennie Macklin, Penny Wong, Lindsay Tanner and Nicola Roxon for a media conference to moan about Tony Abbott blocking things. These are the architects of the disastrous Telstra plan, the laughable Aboriginal Housing Scheme, the ETS, the debt and deficit and the half-baked hospitals plan. Keep up the good work Tony.
Welcome to the Asylum
News that Yudhoyono is going to arrest people smugglers opens up the prospect of a real earner for the federal government. They could offer asylum seekers a cruise from Indonesia to Christmas Island on the Oceanic Viking for only five thousand dollars. This is less than the people smugglers charge, would earn unstinted praise from Amnesty International and could encourage Hyatt Hotels to build a decent pad on Christmas Island.
Travelling by Tube
It was disappointing to hear that Lara’s engagement ring had gone down the toilet especially, as now seems likely, she was wearing it at the time.
Unsuitable Treatment
It turned really frosty in Sydney when Kevin dropped in to talk to Kristina about hospitals. This was obviously another disastrous effect of climate change.
Non-Stop Motoring
Experts advise that you should only engage cruise control on Toyota vehicles if you’re low on petrol and on a long trip down a straight motorway.
Obama Drama
It looks like Obama wont be coming to Australia until his healthcare bill has been passed. He’s blaming Tony Abbott for blocking it in the Senate.
Tags: Aboriginal Housing Scheme, Amnesty International, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, Climate Change, ETS, Health, healthcare, healthcare bill, hospitals, Hyatt Hotels, Indonesia, Jennie Macklin, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, KRudd, Labor Government, Labour Party, Lara Bingle, Lindsay Tanner, Nicola Roxon, Oceanic Viking, Penny Wong, people smugglers, Peter Costello, Stephen Conroy, Telstra, Tony Abbott, Toyota, Yudhoyono
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Cruise ships have started calling at Christmas Island. This provides an exciting opportunity for real progress on the asylum seeker issue. People smugglers are already reported to be in negotiation with a cruise ship company with a view to delivering two thousand asylum seekers at a time.
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Gitmo detainees are shortly to fly to new digs in Illinois. Hopefully pre-flight security screening will be more thorough than for Northwest flights out of Amsterdam.
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Climate change scientists briefing politicians in China, Brazil, India, Russia and South Africa obviously have a different perspective on global warming than the ones briefing Kevin, Obama and Al Gore. It must be nice to get a convenient truth for a change.
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President Zuma has just married a third wife and has a fourth in his sights. There is no information on how many husbands they have.
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The UK parliamentary expenses scandal will result in a record number of new MPs being elected there in March. Commentators are confident that expenses rorts will not recur for at least six years because that’s how long on average it takes an MP to learn to do them properly.
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The local drug barons will be invited to attend the next Climate Change Conference in Mexico City. They will deliver a paper on how their products cause people round the world to stop emiting carbon altogether.
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China has officially blamed global warming for the heavy snowfalls around Beijing. It’s only a matter of time before the record lows across the Northern Hemisphere are also blamed on global warming and climate scientists discover that the polar ice-caps are responsible for soaring temperatures in Madagascar.
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Two questions on climate change policy for Kevin and Penny.
If people on low incomes get refunds well in excess of their increased energy charges caused by the ETS wont this encourage them to use more electricity rather than less?
Why is Australia contributing billions of dollars to help small developing countries reduce their carbon emissions when according to UN data they are only emitting a piddling percentage of the world’s total output?
Tags: Al Gore, Amsterdam, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, carbon emissions trading, Christmas Island, Climate Change, ETS, global warming, Kevin Rudd, Obama, Penny Wong, people smugglers, President Zuma
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Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
6th November 2009
Dear Mr President,
One year ago this week since you were elected President. Congratulations.
Who would have thought that after such a short time you would be the toast of the world and have a fan club in Sydney Australia.
I’m even more excited about your prospects for next year when you actually start doing a few things.
I’ve just had such a shock. According to the latest Newspoll the Labor Party has dropped seven percentage points and they are now running neck and neck with the Coalition.
Kevin’s such a wonderful inspiration just like you and I can’t bear the thought of him being less popular than Malcolm.
Mind you I have to say that his recent rantings about asylum seekers have been like a madwoman’s midlife crisis. And as for the ETS he reckons we’ve got a choice between drowning and being burnt to death or losing our jobs and paying zillions more for electricity and everything. Drowning is beginning to look like the best option.
I was so worried I immediately called a meeting of the policy specialists in the Obama Fan Club. I hope you don’t mind the Club spending the time to help Kevin get his polling back up but if we don‘t act you could be dealing with Malcolm and he’s like a cross between Admedinnerdad and Sorenosey.
First of all we decided that he should immediately drop the Indonesian Solution for asylum seekers. His government has issued travel advisories for years warning people not to go to Indonesia yet he has sent the asylum seekers back there. It would be more humane to send them to North Korea or Somalia.
Next we came up with a masterstroke. Actually it was my idea.
Kevin should adopt the People Smugglers Solution. I’m amazed it hasn’t already occurred to him. We believe he should immediately fly out to Indonesia and negotiate with the people smugglers. After all they’re the ones who have been causing all the problems.
He should offer not to seize their vessels and arrest their crews on condition that they start using safe boats which don’t sink and employ crews with some idea where Christmas Island is. Further they should publish a return-trip schedule to Christmas Island, so the detention centre knows what to expect and when and how many extra port-a-loos they’re going to need.
If the people smugglers prove they can manage the timetables efficiently Kevin might offer them the contract to run state rail in NSW. Only kidding.
Stop press. The Fijians have thrown the Australian High Commissioner out of their country. They have appointed some Sri Lankans as judges in Suva and are nicked off that Australia has banned them from com ing here. Quite right too. They could be asylum seekers in disguise.
I sent our asylum seeker recommendations to Kevin on Wednesday. I haven’t heard back yet but he’ll probably phone over the weekend.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, Coalition, ETS, Indonesia, Kevin Rudd, Labor Party, Malcolm Turnbull, midlife crisis, Newspoll, North Korea, NSW State Rail, Obama, Obama Fan Club, people smugglers, President of USA, Somalia
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Kevin has crafted a brilliant strategy to help Labor win the 2010 federal election. During the campaign he plans to send the NSW Government on a world tour. The NSW electorate will be so grateful for the relief that they’ll vote for him in droves. Furthermore visits from the NSW Government will help countries such as Zimbabwe and Somalia reflect on how lucky they are.
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Isn’t it strange that Malcolm’s deputy Julie Bishop is never mentioned as a contender for his job? Perhaps this is a sign that the Liberal Party should follow the Pope’s lead and not suffer female Bishops.
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Has anyone heard much about Stephen Smith recently? He certainly qualifies as Australia’s most anonymous Minister for Foreign Affairs. Julia’s been in the US, Penny’s been in China, Kevin’s been everywhere but all these places are foreign to Stephen. Wayne, who was of course the other rooster, has been all over the world crowing about Australia’s economic record. The feeling in Canberra circles is that Stephen has either been plucked or has been in Sri Lanka presenting a film about water-boarding on Christmas Island.
It was encouraging that he went to Indonesia with Kevin. Hopefully he’ll be able to find his own way there in future.
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Friday Mash has rejected a suggestion from Al Gore that we reduce our Carbon Emissions.
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Malcolm has proposed miner changes to the ETS which are designed to allow cattle to continue farting and him to keep his job.
The Coalition have agreed he should have some latitude in negotiations with Kevin and Penny but have stipulated that the first fart to go should be him.
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The good news keeps on coming. Sydney’s M2 tollway will be widened by 2015, John and Belinda are back together and there are a number of positions vacant on Kevin’s personal staff. No wonder asylum seekers are so keen to come here.
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What a mistake Kevin made in sending Brendan Nelson to Brussels. He should have made him Admiral Lord Nelson and sent him to repel the people smugglers’ armada.
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It’s difficult to understand why there’s so much fuss about global warming. It’s only a matter of degrees.
Tags: Admiral Lord Nelson, Al Gore, asylum seekers, carbon emissions trading, carbon trading, Christmas Island, Coalition, ETS, farting, federal election, Indonesia, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd, Liberal Party, Malcolm Turnbull, NSW Government, Penny Wong, people smugglers, Somalia, Stephen Smith, Sydney M2 tollway, US, Wayne Swan, Zimbabwe
Posted in Carbon Emissions | 1 Comment »
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