Canberra Report by Dick Head

Guide to Politicians’ Sanity Threat Levels

Some politicians are a bigger threat to your mental health than others

Set out below are the latest authoritative insanity threat ratings for leading Labor politicians as determined by the Friday Mash Centre for Electoral Sanity. Maintenance of your sanity throughout the election campaign could well depend on the self-preservation measures you take in reaction to this guide.

A threat rating of ‘Serious’ indicates that the politician could pose some danger to your mental stability but normal exposure is safe as long as you don’t take anything too seriously.

A threat rating of ‘Extreme’ means that your mental health will start to deteriorate after ten minutes of continuous exposure.

A threat rating of ‘Instant Insanity’ means that preservation of your sanity depends on avoiding such politicians at all costs and switching off the television even if there’s the slightest chance of an appearance.

Julia Gillard Threat Rating – Extreme
Can be quite pleasant and chatty but can suddenly become a serious threat when claiming to have fixed the asylum seeker and climate change problems. Exercise extreme caution closer to the election because desperation could take her to the ‘Instant Insanity’ level.

Wayne Swan Threat Rating – Instant Insanity
Wayne has already sent the miners, the Reserve Bank, Hooray Henry, Kevin and the international money markets crazy and he could easily do the same for you.

Penny Wong Threat Rating – Extreme
Has been downgraded from ‘Instant Insanity’ following an appearance on the ABC’s Q&A programme where she actually smiled and didn’t threaten world chaos if we failed to get an ETS by Christmas.

Kevin Rudd Threat Rating – Instant Insanity
Based on his current performance he probably only deserves a ‘serious’ rating but his past still haunts us and just a glimpse of him can reduce you to a disorientated mess.

Peter Garrett Threat Rating – Extreme
Has been downgraded from an ‘Instant Insanity’ rating during the insulation debacle. Still remains a considerable threat however especially if he loses control and breaks out as a greenie again.

Craig Emerson Threat Rating – Instant Insanity
Craig has taken to the interminable repetition of spin doctor gibberish. The slightest exposure guarantees an emergency visit to a funny farm.

Tanya Plibersek Threat Rating – Extreme
Her rating increased form ‘Serious’ to ‘Extreme’ following a deeply disturbing appearance on Lateline last week where she showed an alarming tendency to resort to spin doctorisms.

Nicola Roxon Threat Rating – Instant Insanity
Is still blaming John Howard for the state of the hospitals. However it could be claimed in her defence that an ‘Instant Insanity’ rating is only to be expected after months of trailing Kevin round hospitals.

Simon Crean Threat Rating – Extreme
Has recovered from an ‘Instant Insanity’ rating when he was leader of the opposition but still goes round promoting fantasies like Kevin becoming a team player..

Stephen Smith Threat Rating – Serious
Seems fairly innocuous most of the time but needs to be watched because he’s a close mate of Wayne’s.

Stephen Conroy Threat Rating – Instant Insanity
In the interests of public safety he needs to be restrained with a broadband and rolled out nationally along a trench.

Tony Burke Threat Rating – Serious
Not much of a threat until he tries to explain whether asylum seeker centres will contribute to a sustainable population in East Timor or Australia.

Martin Ferguson Threat Rating – Instant Insanity
Help!

Dick Head will be away for a few days treatment before returning next week to bring you a guide to the sanity threat levels of Coalition politicians.