Posts Tagged ‘President of USA’
This week Guy the intrepid Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to the Christmas 2009 Review Meeting between Santa Claus, the Christmas Fairy and Number One Elf at the North Pole. From a vantage point high on the wall of Santa’s Christmas Grotto he sent us this exclusive report.
‘Dear me’ said Santa ‘this global research study into people’s attitudes to Christmas 2009 is very disturbing. 20% couldn’t remember whose birthday it was, 10% complained about the lack of bar service in churches, 30% thought it was a retail promotion and 40% thought it was a binge drinking carnival’
‘And don’t forget’ said the Christmas Fairy ‘that 80% thought it was spoilt by too much emphasis on religion’
‘Heavens’ said Santa ‘the Archangel won’t like that. He also won’t like the huge offer I’ve had to appear in a VB ad campaign next Christmas. I’ll have to tell him VB stands for virgin birth’
‘People don’t seem to appreciate the presents you give them like they used to’ said the Number One Elf ‘Barnaby Joyce has returned the calculator because he reckons it can’t tell the difference between millions and billions. Belinda Neal has returned the course of anger management classes you delivered on behalf of Kevin and she was really pissed off about it and Kevin has returned his budgie smugglers because they were condemned by the RSPCA’
‘Can you believe’ remarked Santa ‘that some people want to change the whole concept of Christmas. Obama supporters are promoting a second Christmas to mark his birthday and most people believe it should be a beer festival rather than a religious festival’
‘And have you heard the latest?’ asked the Christmas Fairy ‘the Archangel thinks that the reindeer and sleigh is not a viable transportation model in the era of global warming and he’s thinking of giving the Christmas presents delivery contract to DHL’
‘We got a letter from Al Gore the other day’ said the Number One Elf ‘warning us that our Grotto will melt by 2020 and we should seek alternative accommodation that floats. He must think you’re bloody Noah’
‘I’m terribly worried my good name is being eroded by all those out-of-work actors who impersonate me in retail stores’ said Santa ‘I read that one was so strange he got the part of Little Red Riding Hood in a Christmas Panto and another handed out kids toys to the mothers and sex toys to the kids’
‘What on earth should we do for Christmas 2010?’asked the Number One Elf.
‘I think we should do a deal with Obama, Kevin and Gordon Brown’ said the Christmas Fairy ‘to deliver a global Christmas stimulus package each year’
‘I think we should encourage polygamy’ said the Number One Elf ‘It’s much more efficient to have a household like President Zuma’s where you can drop off presents for twenty kids and four wives in one place’
‘We have to go with the flow’ said Santa ‘let’s negotiate a free Christmas grog worldwide delivery service. I’ve always wanted to be a philanthropissed’
Tags: Al Gore, Archangel, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Belinda Neal, Christmas Fairy, DHL, Father Christmas, Gordon Brown, Kevin Rudd, Little Red Riding Hood, President of USA, President Zuma, RSPCA, Santa, stimulus package
Posted in Fly on the Wall | No Comments »
Wonderful, Wonderful Copenhagen
Kevin took 114 delegates to the Copenhagen Conference. Friday Mash can now confirm there were no fatalities on this mission and all have returned safely. Some delegates however reportedly suffered hypothermia, a couple had mental breakdowns trying to make sense of it all and one was rescued from a snowdrift by a great dane.
The Greatest Moral Challenge of our Time
Tony Abbott is keen that his Emissions Reduction Fund should retain its virginity as long as possible and is determined to stop Kevin stuffing it.
Thanks a Trillion
A White House spokesman has confirmed that Obama wont be bringing the US debt to Australia. China owns such a large part of of it they insist he leaves it there for safe keeping while he’s overseas.
Unseasonal Greetings
Despite rumours that he is planning to seek asylum in Australia immigration authorities will not insist Obama travels here from Indonesia via Christmas Island. On the other hand there is still a widespread view that his first coming in Australia should be at Christmas.
A Case of Whether
The good news for Australia on climate change is that NZ now has an ETS up and running. Obviously the sensible thing for Kevin to do is check whether it has any effect on global warming before trying to launch one here.
Tally Ban
Following an extensive research study the Taliban will not be fielding any candidates in the NSW State Election in 2011. Surprisingly the study showed they were even less popular than the current Labor Government.
Floored
Consistent with Kevin’s beneficence in providing jobs for opposition members it is expected that after Malcolm crosses the floor to vote for the ETS he will be offered the job of cleaning it.
Rejoyce
It is difficult to understand why Wayne Swan and Lindsay Tanner are so critical of Barnaby Joyce. He’s helping the Labor Government immeasurably more than they are.
Tags: Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Christmas Island, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, Debt, Emissions Reduction Fund, ETS, global warming, immigration, Kevin Rudd, Lindsay Tanner, Malcolm Turnbull, NSW Labor Government, NSW State Election, President of USA, Taliban, Tony Abbott, US debt, virginity, Wayne Swan
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to a wall in the Washington DC office of the US Secretary of State and sent us this exclusive report on the vital strategic discussion she had with her husband.
‘You’d have made a much better president than Obama’ said Bill
‘I know’ said Hillary ‘the only thing that stopped me was the laughable prospect of you becoming the First Gentleman’
‘Behind the great female president’ said Bill ‘would have been a former great male president with his hand up her back’
‘Most women seem to have experienced your hand up somewhere’ responded Hillary
‘Ten years ago’ said Bill ‘Obama would have been lucky to get a job serving us coffee’
‘Ten years ago’ said Hillary ‘you were damned lucky everyone didn’t leave you to get your own coffee’
‘Oh come on honey’ said Bill ‘I spent months out there on the campaign trail pushing myself to the point of exhaustion to get you the top gig’
‘Didn’t all those women find it confusing that you got them in sack just to campaign for your wife?’
‘When it comes to elections’ said Bill ‘the end justifies the means’
‘Not when it’s your end it doesn’t’ said Hillary ‘I probably lost the election because you couldn’t keep it up’
‘When Al Gore and Ted Kennedy deserted you who was it who stuck by you even putting my own reputation on the line?’
‘Some reputation’ said Hillary ‘it’s a sort of role model for Tiger Woods. Who pulled you through when you were impeached? Not Madeleine Albright or Al Gore but good old me. Even Monica deserted you and despite all that time you spent working on her I’ll bet she didn’t vote for me’
‘Honey’ said Bill ‘you’ve got to understand I have a certain charisma that appeals to women and it enabled me to play an effective presidential part in your campaign’
‘Oh I’ve no doubt your presidential part played effectively in all sorts of places’ said Hillary
‘Now let’s get serious about 2012’ said Bill ‘we’ve got to start planning your next presidential campaign immediately’
‘Forget it’ said Hillary ‘you’ve spent too long in the doghouse ever to get back in the White House. My best chance of becoming president is a divorce’
‘You’ve got to admit’ said Bill ‘that I was a better president than George W Bush. And sexier too. Give me a year or two to work my charms and every woman in the US will be ready to vote for you’
‘Why do I get this overwhelming feeling that I’m the one who would get screwed?’ said Hillary ‘Look I can’t sit around chatting to you, I’ve got to phone Kevin Rudd about World Kangaroo Day. Are you in for dinner tonight?’
‘Sure honey’ said Bill ‘how about a romantic evening for two?’
‘Darling’ said Hillary ‘I thought you’d never ask’
Tags: Al Gore, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, First Gentleman, Fly on the Wall, George Bush, George W Bsh, Hillary Clinton, Kevin Rudd, Madeleine Albright, Monica Lewinsky, President of USA, Ted Kennedy, Tiger Woods, US Secretary of State, Washington DC
Posted in Fly on the Wall | 1 Comment »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
5th February 2010
Dear Mr President,
I was having a cup of tea with Marge when all of a sudden they announced your March visit on the telly. We couldn’t believe it. Marge was so overcome she almost had an accident.
We haven’t got word on your schedule yet and heaven forbid we seem presumptive but you know you’ll get a wonderful welcome at the world’s first Obama Fan Club whether it’s for a keynote address or a cup of tea; but definitely not a Tea Party.
I’ll be in touch with your appointments secretary within the next week or two. It’s so exciting.
I know you’re a few trillions in the red at the moment so while you’re here don’t hesitate to tap Kevin for a stimulus package. I’m sure you qualify.
Tony Abbott’s just released his new carbon emissions reduction plan. I think its something he cooked up over the Christmas holidays. What a cheek to claim he’s got a package as good as the ETS which Kevin and Penny have been working on for years. I’m afraid we’re in for a long boring argument about who’s got the biggest and the one which emits less smoke.
By the way I’ve just checked and the RSL memorial hall will almost certainly be available during your visit. We could fit in a hundred and seventy-five at a pinch with a cup of tea and egg and lettuce sandwiches and Fred is confident he could arrange a tour of the local meatworks.
The Club’s World Affairs Think Tank has been worried about your Iran problem for some time. Bombing the place would not be a good look so soon after scoring the Nobel Peace Prize. So we devoted our session this week to creating alternative strategic tactics to dissuade Ahmadinejad from going ballistic and nuclear.
Fred made a very thoughtful first contribution to a Think Tank session. He was strongly in favour of stuffing up Iran completely by holding the next climate change conference there.
Mildred thought Ahmadinejad craved recognition. She suggested you invite him over to the White House and present him with a major international award like the World’s Worst Dressed President.
Our Mavis’ Bert had a brilliant idea. We should arrange an exchange agreement between the Iranian Government and the NSW Government. Ahmadinejad could advise the NSW Government on vote rigging techniques for the 2011 election and in return they could apply their North-West Metro project development model to his nuclear programme. That should put it back at least twenty years.
Our Mavis thought that Ahmadinejad would feel a natural political affinity with the NSW Shooters Party.
Marge had the idea of the night. She reckoned that as Ahmadinejad was so keen on sponsoring terrorists the Pittsburgh Steelers offered him better value for money than Hamas. They’re always on the telly and they strike terror into everyone.
I was at a loss to sum up such brilliance. Please feel free to take your pick of any of these and don’t forget to give Hillary a comprehensive briefing.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Ahmadinejad, Barack Obama, carbon emissions trading, Debt, ETS, Hamas, Hillary Clinton, Iran nuclear program, Kevin Rudd, Nobel Peace Prize, NSW Labor Government, NSW Shooters Party, Obama Fan Club, Penny Wong, Pittsburgh Steelers, President of USA, Tony Abbott, White House
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
22nd January 2010
Dear Mr President,
We’re all so disappointed. Hillary canceled her visit to Australia. It’s such a shame. We even had the local mayor lined up for an official welcome.
We’re not sure whether she had to go and sort out another disaster in world affairs or in Bill’s affairs.
It was too late to invite Prince William to take her place. Lovely young fellow he is. I’d marry him myself if it wasn’t for Neville and the fact that I’m already Queen of the Beauthaven Beer Festival.
What on earth’s going on in your country? Fancy calling poor old Harry Reid a racist. He isn’t even in the Republican Party.
Even I was accused of racism last week. I refused to let this friend of Gladys’ join the club. Its true he’s a Sri Lankan but he’s also an absolute arsehole.
You’re not going to believe this but Penny Wong’s already rabbiting on about a third go at passing the ETS legislation. Its like having to sit through one of Fidel Castro’s speeches for a third time. Can’t you find her a position measuring climate change in Northern Alaska?
I know you’ll be thrilled to hear that this week our World Affairs Think Tank tackled one of the most momentous questions facing Australia, ‘Should we become a republic’. It would have been lovely to have Prince William there to speak on behalf of his mother.
Marge reckoned it all depends on what sort of republic. We don’t want to become a banana republic or a republic like Germany and Russia which don’t seem to have any fun and start all the wars. She recognised that the US was also a republic which started wars but at least you seem to have a bit of fun.
Gladys thought it was a shame that the US was no longer a monarchy because we could have played you at cricket and you wouldn’t be wasting so much time in the shower.
Cyril said it would be great if Australia became a republic because Malcolm Turnbull could become President and it would stop him making a nuisance of himself.
Mildred believed that Australia should stay a monarchy with an Aussie royal family. All our royal talent like Princess Mary are having to go abroad because of a lack of opportunities back home.
Our Mavis’ Bert agreed with Mildred and said that even the Welsh Rugby team had its own Queen.
Mavis thought that Malcolm Fraser is qualified to become King of Australia because he’s such a right royal pain in the ass.
Arthur thought we should become a republic to avoid getting a Queen whose only qualification for the job was a propensity for sending Charles potty with passion.
I summed it all up brilliantly by pointing out that as the Obama Fan Club was dedicated to a Democrat there’s no way we can support Australia becoming Republican.
I’m so excited that we’re producing such good stuff for you.
Till next week.
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, ETS, Fidel Castro, Harry Reid, Hillary Clinton, Malcolm Fraser, Malcolm Turnbull, Obama Fan Club, Penny Wong, President, President of USA, Prince Charles, Prince William, Princess Mary, Republican Party, The Queen
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
NSW Labor parliamentarians have been planning a Christmas pantomime starring Kristina Keneally as the principal boy and Frank Sartor as the dame but decided they couldn’t compete with the one they’d been staging all year.
…………………………………………………
With all the talent at their disposal Westpac are being encouraged to stage a production of Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves.
…………………………………………………
Insiders confirm that Obama is on track in his quest to convert the US into the healthiest and most carbon free bankrupt in the world.
…………………………………………………
The Copenhagen Conference totally failed to appreciate that temperatures and rising sea levels provide exciting new potential for solar energy and desalinated water. And countries which become submarine states will have unprecedented access to wave power.
…………………………………………………
Experts are just beginning to realise that Australia’s asylum seeker crisis is a symptom of Sri Lanka’s strategy to reduce carbon emissions through population reduction.
…………………………………………………
Surely Kevin must realise that the sensible way forward for the ETS is to test it in Tasmania first.
…………………………………………………
In six days God made heaven and earth. In twelve days the Copenhagen Conference failed to save the earth from the greenhouse effect in heaven. Surely the next Climate Change Conference should be between the Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury to check whether God has a day or two to spare for a bit of maintenance work or whether the Blessed Mary MacKillop can come off the bench to work a third miracle.
…………………………………………………
Friday Mash’s New Year Resolution is to have a lot of fun in 2010 and we trust you have resolved to do likewise. Happy New Year.
…………………………………………………
Tags: Archbishop of Canterbury, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Climate Change, Copenhagen, ETS, God, greenhouse effect, Kevin Rudd, New Years Resolution, population reduction, President of USA, Sri Lanka, Tasmania, The Pope, wave power
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
In retrospect the Copenhagen Conference seems like Woodstock without the music.
…………………………………………………
It seems unfair that despite the compelling claims of her predecessors the special qualifications of Kristina Keneally will result in her becoming the first NSW Premier to be acclaimed the mother of all disasters.
…………………………………………………
Prince Charles warned at Copenhagen that Australia could be facing a major calamity. Hopefully the Queen will live for many more years.
…………………………………………………
In the past rugby league players who got hammered and assaulted women were simply regarded as hooligans. Management consultants however now believe it is a vital part of the experience needed for them to become NSW Government Ministers.
…………………………………………………
It is interesting to speculate how many delegates at the Climate Change Conference availed themselves of the free services offered by Copenhagen hookers and how many took action to reduce the effects of extra-marital climate changes.
…………………………………………………
Did anyone seriously believe that delegates from one hundred and ninety nations including Robert Mugabe, Hugo Chavez, Al Gore, Prince Charles and Kevin and thousands of left-wing loony rioters were going to agree on anything? If only Barnaby Joyce had been there things could have been a whole lot different.
…………………………………………………
Inside US sources confirm that Bill Clinton is still claiming he was unjustly impeached. He’s apparently adamant that when he said ‘ I did not have sex with that woman’ he was talking about Hillary not Monica.
…………………………………………………
All the signs are that neither Kevin nor Obama saved the world in Copenhagen. Perhaps someone better qualified will turn up on Christmas Day.
Tags: Al Gore, Bill Clinton, Christmas, Climate Change, Copenhagen, Hillary Clinton, Hugo Chavez, Kevin Rudd, NSW Government, NSW Premier, Obama, President, President of USA, Prince Charles, Robert Mugabe, rugbly league, The Queen
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
18th December 2009
Dear Mr President,
Oh I do love Christmas don’t you? I experience a really warm feeling when I get Christmas cards from people I wouldn’t be seen dead with. Restores your faith in human nature really.
There’s only two things about Christmas that really bug me. I never receive presents half as decent as the ones I give away and I have to put up with Neville’s sister on Christmas Day. Talk about putting a damper on things she’s the only person I know who can make Christmas Day seem like a Parramatta loss in the Grand Final.
I was so proud when I saw you on TV accepting the Nobel Peace Prize with such a wonderful speech. I’d never understood before that to win the Peace Prize you have to be involved in a war or two.
We were going to send Marge to be the Club’s representative at the Copenhagen climate thing but we didn’t raise enough from our Big Barbie Blaze. She’s been suffering a lot from global warming recently although Neville thinks its hot flushes.
If you bump into Kevin in Copenhagen please tell him that we’re all missing him and hope he can find time to come back to Australia sometime in 2010.
I know you and Kevin will get it all sorted over there. I was really shocked to learn that Fiji could be under water by 2030 because it could really upset our holiday plans.
I’m not getting my hopes up that anything really meaningful will come out of Copenhagen. On TV it looks like the first day of the David Jones Stocktake Sale.
You’re not going to believe this but Tony Abbott has appointed Bronwyn Bishop and Philip Ruddock to the shadow cabinet. I thought tomb raiding was a serious offence in this country.
I haven’t heard back from you about the Obama Fan Club Christmas Party on the 22nd December so I’ll put you down as a no-show this year. Pity because Mildred’s cousin will be singing the Nun’s Chorus and she only does it every other year on account of her haemorrhoids.
At the Obama Fan Club Meeting last Tuesday it was agreed unanimously that I should invite you to come to the Club’s First Anniversary celebrations next August. I’m giving you plenty of warning because I know your diary sometimes fills up months ahead. We shall of course expect you to make a major address on something or other and I shall be inviting Kevin even though he’ll probably still be overseas.
I’ve sent you and the family a Club Christmas Card so I wont bang on about Merry Christmas and all that. And you wont be getting a Newsletter next week because I’ll get absolutely rotten at the Club Christmas Party. But if you need any info urgently over Christmas don’t hesitate to get in touch.
Till a week or two.
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Bronwyn Bishop, Christmas, Climate Change, Copenhagen, David Jones, Fiji, global warming, Kevin Rudd, Nobel Peace Prize, Obama Fan Club, Philip Ruddock, President, President of USA, Tony Abbott
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
It’s wonderful news that Frank Sartor, Ian McDonald and Tony Kelly have all been rearranged on deck. On the other hand Nathan Rees and John Della Bosca are still in the Titanic’s deckchair rehabilitation workshop and Kristina is fervently hoping the iceberg will melt before she gets there.
…………………………………………
Apparently Tiger Woods had a girl in every country; the British Open, the US Open, the Canadian Open…
…………………………………………
It’s true that planet has lost a lot of ice but it happened mostly during the Cold War.
…………………………………………
The Copenhagen Conference has given up any idea of reducing nocturnal emissions.
…………………………………………
There is a striking similarity between Sarah Palin and Kristina Keneally. They are both American, both in their forties, married with children and both have been suddenly thrust into the forefront of politics. Furthermore given Kristina’s association with the NSW Right she is Going Rogue just like Sarah.
…………………………………………
Tony Abbott and Barnaby Joyce have been standing by in case they were summoned to Copenhagen by the Chinese delegation.
…………………………………………
Reliable sources indicate that Kristina has never played with Tiger Woods. Her handicap is the result of playing with Joe Tripodi and Eddie Obeid.
…………………………………………
Observers at the Copenhagen Conference are very impressed with the standard of long range global weather forecasting. It’s what to do about it that seems to be casing the problems.
…………………………………………
Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize seemed akin to Tiger Woods winning the Pope’s prize for celibacy.
…………………………………………
Tags: Barack, Barnaby Joyce, celibacy, Copenhagen, Eddie Obeid, Frank Sartor, global weather, Ian McDonald, Joe Tripodi, John Della Bosca, Kristina Keneally, Nathan Rees, Nobel Peace Prize, Obama, President, President of USA, Sarah Palin, The Pope, Tiger Woods, Titanic, Tony Abbott, Tony Kelly
Posted in Carbon Emissions | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
11th December 2009
Dear Mr President,
I was so inspired by the Obama Fan Club meeting last Tuesday.
I am absolutely thrilled to tell you that you won our prestigious Man of the Year award. You polled fourteen votes, Kevin and Hillary got two each and Fred Hasking who married Mildred’s daughter got one. Anyone who is brave enough to take her on deserves a bit of recognition.
Congratulations. We’re sending off the official certificate today so you can tell your PR people that it’s ok to release the news to the worldwide media.
The main reason you got so many votes is that you’re the only national leader in history to send thirty thousand troops to war and receive the Nobel Peace Award all in the same month.
The Obama Fan Club committee have asked me to say they’re delighted that you have the honour of being the first recipient of the Man of the Year award but don’t expect it again next year because hopefully Kevin will do something half-decent at last. They recommend that the certificate should be placed next to the Nobel Peace Award in the Oval Office and could you please send us a photo of yourself standing beside them.
I was going to come over and present the certificate to you personally but it’s my son’s cricket final next week and I knew you’d understand.
Malcolm’s very narky about being chucked out as leader of the federal opposition. He thinks Tony Abbott’s climate change policy is like his budgie smugglers, a cover for not much at all really. Oh I’m being awful again.
Tony’s brought Bronwyn Bishop and Philip Ruddock back into the shadow cabinet, so there will be one or two retirement home vacancies.
You know me, I always vote Labor but I’m having second thoughts about the next state election. The Labor Party has thrown Nathan Rees out of the premier’s job and given it to Kristina somebody or other who comes from Ohio would you believe. Now as you know I’ve got nothing against Americans and she seems a reasonably decent sort but this was like you throwing out that Blago guy who was Governor of Illinois and appointing Malcolm Turnbull in his place. Not many people in Illinois would be keen on Malcolm. Come to think of it not many down here are keen on him either.
I quite liked Nathan. I know he was a garbo and all that but he did try to get rid of the rubbish. Unfortunately the rubbish got rid of him.
I can’t understand those women throwing themselves at Tiger Woods. When I was an alluring twenty something I never got in a scrum with league players, I was always not out overnight with cricketers and I never went for a drive with golfers. I only had one lapse when I had it away with a soccer player and at home as well if I remember correctly.
Have a lovely trip to Oslo to pick up your gong and also to Copenhagen to help Kevin save the world. Could you please not do anything drastic about global warming until after February because I’m really enjoying the summer.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Bronwyn Bishop, budgie smugglers, Copenhagen, global warming, Hillary Clinton, Illinois, Kevin Rudd, Labor Party, Malcolm Turnbull, Man of the Year award, Nathan Rees, Nobel Peace Award, Obama, Obama Fan Club, Oval Office, Philip Ruddock, President, President of USA, retirement home, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott, troops to war, US President
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Loading ...