Posts Tagged ‘President of USA’
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
14th May 2010
Dear Mr. President,
I don’t know whether you’ve met Wayne Swan but I’ve always thought he was not a bad sort of bloke and I loved the way he used to stick it up John Howard and Peter Costello.
He seemed to me like a poor man’s Kevin, although the way Kevin’s travelling at the moment he’ll soon become a poor man’s Wayne.
There’s always been something about Wayne that I’ve never quite sussed. It’s not so much he’s a Swan with duck’s disease because I’ve got nothing against small men but I’ve always found him just a bit too bumptious and a little too much of the try-hard. Know what I mean?
But his budget this week changed all that. He’s been promoted to my A list.
It’s obvious to people like me who are students of politics that this was the first Australian budget developed in cooperation with the Chinese. Wayne cleverly got them to underwrite his budget by persuading them to buy mountains of iron ore without a discount.
And the Chinese don’t mind about Wayne pocketing most of the miner’s profits because they’re pissed at having to pay them a packet for iron ore when all they do is dig it out of the ground.
I daresay as a reciprocal gesture Wayne is helping the Chinese government sort out their budget and Kevin’s translating all his stuff. What a team.
Wayne did rabbit on a bit about how Australia’s economic resurgence is all thanks to him and Kevin. You’d think he’d give a bit of the credit to China.
This new arrangement means if the budget turns out to be a monumental disaster Wayne can blame China as well as John Howard.
Source: SMH
Actually Wayne does have a fallback position even if the bucks from China dry up. He could increase the price of smokes by ten dollars and put a picture of himself on each packet with the slogan ‘Not smoking can cause the Treasurer a heart attack’.
One thing I could kiss Wayne for is reducing those interminable hours I have to spend on tax returns. I have to do all ours since Neville was fined for making a false declaration. He claimed his Eels season ticket was a charitable contribution to the disabled.
Wayne promised the budget will be in surplus in three years but I hope the Chinese understand what he’s letting them in for.
A word of advice in case you’re intending to ask for a loan when you come here next month. I don’t think Wayne will have any spare until he starts excavating it from the mining companies. I’d advise going direct to China like you usually do.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Chinese Government, cigarette tax, Eels, Federal Budget, Gaelene Woo, iron ore, John Howard, Obama Fan Club, Peter Costello, President of US, President of USA, US President, Wayne Swan
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
US Report by P.E.Doff
Oil, oil everywhere but not a drop in the car
US voters are facing the November Congressional elections secure in the knowledge that Sarah Palin wont be elected to anything.
The consensus in Washington is that the election will be fought on the economy if there’s one left, jobs if they haven’t become redundant, immigration provided the new legislation in Arizona hasn’t turned them all off coming and making Wall St one way.
Republicans want legal immigrants to carry a visa or alternatively they want illegal immigrants to wear a badge which clearly states ‘illegal immigrant’. This is not considered profiling but a badge of honour which will help improve their profile. Furthermore presentation of the badge to the appropriate authority will immediately qualify the holder for a free trip home.
Democrats believe that illegal immigrants should be a protected species because after all they are future Democrat voters.
Meanwhile the President is still desperate to kick start both the economy and Harry Reid but neither is showing much sign of life.
Experts have been claiming that the world is running out of oil reserves but thanks to the BP initiative just off Louisiana we shall soon all be swimming in it.
The President has delayed any further off-shore oil drilling operations now that this one is coming on-shore.
Countries nearby are urging the President to put a cap on oil exports across the Gulf of Mexico.
P.E.Doff is based is a Washington wine bar
Tags: Arizona, Barack Obama satire, BP oil leak, Congressional elections, Democrats, Gulf of Mexico, Harry Reid, illegal immigrants, legal immigrants, Louisiana, off-shore oil drilling, oil reserves, P.E Doff, President of US, President of USA, Republicans, Sarah Palin humor, Wall St, Washington
Posted in Election Sanity, US correspondent - P.E. Doff | 1 Comment »
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was going to London this week to cover the UK election but we decided not to risk him flying through all that volcanic ash. Instead we sent him to the White House where he landed on a conference room wall just as the President was discussing with two of his top generals how to reduce the US nuclear stockpile. He’s just filed this exclusive report.
Congratulations Mr President’ said Walt ‘on your leadership at the Nuclear Security Summit’
‘Appreciate that Walt’ said Obama ‘I’ve called you and Duke here today to discuss plans for the first step in our nuclear arms reduction programme’
‘Mr President, you’re not actually going to start destroying plutonium are you?’ asked Duke anxiously ‘Walt and I thought you would just want to hide it in a much more obscure location’
‘I’ve given my word to Russia and the rest of the world that we will destroy enough plutonium for seventeen thousand nuclear weapons’ said Obama ‘and Russia has promised to do the same’
‘You can’t trust Russia’ said Walt ‘they’ll hide it for sure. They’re on a par with Venezuela, North Korea, Iran, Syria and New Zealand’
‘Why New Zealand?’ asked Obama
‘I don’t trust All Blacks who use the bomb effectively because it can have a knock-on effect’ said Walt ‘ Duke and I feel strongly that we should drop a nuke on each of those countries just as a warning’
‘Come on you guys’ said Obama ‘I’ve just won the Nobel Peace Prize. I can’t go around nuking everybody just because they remind me of George W. Bush’
‘Mr President’ said Duke ‘here’s the bottom line. If you’re the world’s superpower you’ve got to flaunt it. If you don’t nuke everyone while you’ve got the chance sure as hell one day they’ll nuke you’
‘But I believe in the power of negotiation’ said Obama
‘Forget it Mr President’ said Walt ‘persuading Ahmadinejad to drop his nuclear development is like trying to convince Al Gore that his arse is freezing over’
‘But in some things you have to be more nuanced’ said Obama ‘like the military’s don’t ask don’t tell policy’
‘Mr President’ said Walt ‘I don’t ask because I can tell’
‘Look guys’ said Obama ‘I take decisive military action when it is needed like the surge in Afghanistan’
‘What we need in Afghanistan’ said Duke ‘is not a surge but Armageddon’
‘Please understand’ said Obama ‘that President Medvedev and I have not only pledged to reduce nuclear weapons but also to work towards complete nuclear disarmament in four years’
‘Mr President’ said Walt ‘please tell me you’re joking. If we lose nuclear weapons, bang goes our superpower status and we’re reduced to being as impotent as everyone else. Can’t we keep a few nukes hidden away just in case?’
‘Absolutely not’ said Obama ‘now what’s your plan for getting rid of the plutonium?’
‘Got a great idea Mr President’ said Duke ‘why don’t we sell it to Ahmadinejad for squillions and arrange to detonate it by remote control when he takes delivery’
Tags: Ahmadinejad, Al Gore, All Blacks, Barack Obama, George Bush, George W Bush, Guy the Fly, Iran, New Zealand, Nobel Peace Prize, North Korea, Nuclear Security Summit, President of USA, Russia, Syria, US President, Venezuela, volcanic ash, White House
Posted in Fly on the Wall | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
24th April 2010
Dear Mr. President,
The Obama Fan Club wanted me to tell you how thrilled we all are about your successes in healthcare and nuclear disarmament. We passed a resolution at Tuesday’s meeting congratulating you on meeting our expectations. We’ll send you a copy of the minutes for framing.
A motion by some misguided loon that we should change our name to the Rudd Fan Club was defeated 23-1. We love Kevin but he’s not in your class.
It was the unanimous view of Club members that the World Affairs Think Tank should address the asylum seeker crisis in Australia because its such a worry. I knew you’d be interested and I’ll send our conclusions to Kevin who doesn’t seem to be any better after spending so much time in hospitals.
As the Think Tank chairperson I warned members against using racist remarks or making racist accusations during the session. That was my job.
Madge got us going with a particularly incisive address. She said it was an absolute disgrace that people smugglers were making so much money out of asylum seekers. If we just sit back and let it happen one day they’ll have enough money to buy a cruise ship big enough to ferry thousands at a time from Indonesia to Christmas Island. Or perhaps they’ll just lease the Oceanic Viking.
Our Mavis’ Bert reckoned Australia should tax the people smugglers to pay for Christmas Island.
Mavis asserted that Kevin was right to hold Sri Lankan and Afghan asylum seekers in detention pending a decision to send them home where all is peace and serenity. Her brother reckons there’s no Tea Parties in Sri Lanka and her nephew is in Afghanistan fighting the Taliban and hasn’t been shot or anything.
Eunice believed that asylum seekers suffer from the delusion that Australia is a sort of paradise or a Kevin07 heaven.
Mildred said she couldn’t cope with the current level of multiculturalism let alone making it more complicated. She’s still trying to understand Aboriginal reconciliation and always gets wind from Chinese food.
Marj thought the asylum seeker detention centres are ghastly places just like the motel her uncle runs in Albury.
Elsie said we should stop all immigration immediately. They bring in more carbon footprints, need extra hospital beds which Kevin can’t afford and goodness knows how many extra COLAs their kids will need at a million bucks a throw.
Neville said he was disappointed that Kevin’s new policy had failed to attract boatloads of hot sheilas to seek asylum here.
I summed up by saying that first we need to tackle the people smugglers issue. We should only accept asylum seekers brought in by Aussie people smugglers because we could trust them.
Then we should concentrate on giving priority to asylum seekers who are good looking, potential Eels supporters and Labor voters. They’d have no problems integrating round here.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Aborigines, Afghan, Afghanistan, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Christmas Island, COLA, detention centres, hospital plan, hospitals, hot sheilas, Indonesia, Kevin 07, Kevin Rudd, Obama Fan Club, Oceanic Viking, people smugglers, President of USA, Taliban, US President, World Affairs Think Tank
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 1 Comment »
Story No: 27
‘Do you know Barney’ said George ‘there are people around who think I’m not going to win this election’
‘Thank heavens’ I thought to myself ‘he’s finally got the message’
George had been living in the White House cocoon for months signing papers and chatting to other heads of state and blissfully unaware that a large body of opinion in the country perceived another four years with him as President would be like playing a whole season for Detroit Lions.
‘The Democrats are calling me all sorts of names’ he went on ‘like dumbass, dimwit and dickless’
‘I wouldn’t worry about it George’ I said ‘I’ve heard them say far worse than that. After all everyone makes mistakes like you referring to the leader of Al Qaeda as Osama Bin Garden’
‘I did it on purpose’ said George ‘because he’s a big piece of dirt’
‘And what about when you asked the Pope if he’s a Catholic?’ I said
‘Well’ said George ‘Dick Cheney asked me that question when I asked him if he was interested in Iraqi oil and I didn’t know the answer’
‘What did the Pope say?’ I asked
‘Oh he just asked me if I was a republican’ said George ‘I said yes but confessed I’d forgotten to pay my annual party membership fee and I had to say two Hail Marys’
‘Look George’ I said ‘the problem is that John Kerry claims you don’t know what you’re doing in Iraq and Afghanistan’
‘That’s not true’ said George ‘Don Rumsfeld briefed me yesterday’
‘It’s just that things seem to be drifting a bit in Afghanistan’ I said
‘I’m waiting for Pakistan to step up to the plate’ said George
‘Sorry George’ I said ‘they play cricket in Pakistan so they don’t step up to the plate they go in to bat’
‘Ok’ said George ‘and I’m waiting for Spain to go in to bat in Iraq’
‘No George’ I said ‘they do bull fighting in Spain so they grab the bull by the horns’
‘Look’ said George ‘do you mind if we stick with stepping up to the plate. All this foreign stuff confuses me. It’s like travelling with the Redskins to away matches’
‘George’ I said ‘the key to winning this election is presenting you as the terrorist terminator and John Kerry as a wimp who showboats rather than swiftboats’
‘How does Dick Cheney stack up against John Edwards?’ asked George
‘What a question’ I thought ‘it was like comparing Planet of the Apes with Sex Lies and Videotape’
‘I think he stacks up ok’ I said ‘Dick takes a bit off the top while John likes a bit on the side’
‘Look’ said George ‘I know I’m not perfect but at least I don’t crap on the White House lawn like you’
‘George’ I said ‘I only do it because you’re not allowed to and only because the lawn needs fertilising or Dick Cheney walks past’
‘All of us who make it to the top in politics have crosses to bear’ said George ‘for example Hillary’s got a Bill she can’t settle and she’s had to pay it over and over again’
‘Blimey’ I thought ‘George has suddenly become both a wit and a philosopher. He might win this election after all’
Tags: Al Qaeda, Bill Clinton, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Democrats, Detroit Lions, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George Bush, George W Bush, Hillary Clinton, Iraqi oil, John Edwards, Osama Bin Laden, Pakistan, President of USA, The Pope, US President, White House
Posted in Bush and Barney | No Comments »
Story No. 26
‘As you know Barney’ said George ‘I’ve been unanimously adopted as the Republican candidate for a second term as president. I need your help with my acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention’
I had to admit that Karl Rove was a dab hand at pulling election campaigns together, but George obviously wanted me to add a touch of finesse.
‘That’s easy George’ I said ‘all you need do is promise to keep the country safe from terrorists, keep dollars in everyone’s pocket and be kind to animals’
It wasn’t something I could get too excited about. There was zero chance the Convention would reject George as their candidate and the delegates would applaud and scream ecstatically even if he told them all to go and get nicked.
‘You know Barney’ said George ‘I feel the need to reach out to every American citizen, to outline my vision of a truly great nation of which they can all feel proud’
‘Sorry George’ I said ‘that’s lead balloon stuff. We’re already a truly great nation but citizens like me can hardly be proud at the prospect of Dick Cheney as vice-president for another four years’
‘But the country is expecting great things of me’ said George
‘Look George’ I said ‘I’ve told you before that you don’t promise great things because people will only get disappointed. You’ve got to understand that politicians don’t do great things; they rather recognise great things when they see them and claim all the credit’
‘What about healthcare’ asked George hopefully ‘Karl thinks that might be an area to concentrate on’
‘Well I suppose you could say something about reforming health insurance’ I said ‘your mates in the industry are getting away with murder. You can bet John Kerry will be promising healthcare reforms he hasn’t got a hope in Harlem of delivering. How about promising to force health insurance companies to insure people who are sick?’
‘Are you kidding?’ said George ‘that would be like forcing people to buy clapped out old cars’
‘Ok’ I said ‘how about closing the border with Mexico?’
‘No way’ said George ‘that would stop all that cheap labour coming here’
‘Yes’ I said ‘but what you’re getting as well is cheap drugs and drug-pushers. The border will soon become known as Cocaine Crossing’
‘I should say something about foreign policy’ said George ‘perhaps I should get closer to Tony Blair’
‘You have to be joking’ I said ‘even the UK Labor Party is trying to distance themselves from him. Your foreign policy priority is to destroy terrorism wherever it raises its ghastly head whether its in Iraq, Afghanistan or the John Kerry for President Committee.
‘Right on Barney’ said George ‘now we’re getting somewhere. Anything else I should mention?’
‘Yes’ I said ‘just remind the convention that Kerry’s married to the Heinz baked beans heiress. That’s why he’s so full of wind’.
Tags: Afghanistan, Bush & Barney, Bush and Barney, Cocaine, Cocaine Crossing, Dick Cheney, full of wind, George Bush, George W Bush, health insurance, healthcare, Heinz, Iraq, John Kerry, Mexico, President, President of USA, Republican, Terrorism, Tony Blair, UK Labor Party, Wind power
Posted in Bush and Barney | 1 Comment »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
1st April 2010
Dear Mr President,
Last week when I was in Canberra I popped into the US Embassy and introduced myself to Jeff Bleich your ambassador. Such a lovely man.
Would you believe he invited Neville and me to have afternoon tea with you and Michelle during your visit in June. I’m so thrilled I think I’ll burst. Jeff asked me to talk to you about the world’s first Obama Fan Club because he thinks its an absolutely brilliant concept.
I just can’t make my mind up about all the asylum seekers who are sailing across here from Indonesia. You have to be sorry for them but I can’t help feeling that one day we’ll be overrun. All it will take is the population of Afghanistan to decide they’ve had enough of the joint and hire a few cruise ships to take them to Australia. Can you imagine Kevin trying to pick the Taliban out of that lot?
I understand why the Afghans would want to live in a country run by Kevin rather than that Karzai chap but they don’t know a thing about rugby league or cricket. And I hope someone at Christmas Island warns them about Wilson Tuckey, the Eels’ disappointing start to the season, Alan Jones, Tony’s beachwear, Barnaby Joyce and the home insulation scheme.
People smuggling is such a profitable business that Neville’s thinking of getting into it. He’s got a genius plan. He’s going to buy old Sydney ferries when Kristina flogs them off. Then he’ll fill them up with asylum seekers in Indonesia, charge ten thousand bucks a head, sail into Sydney Harbour and unload them at Circular Quay. No-one will take a blind bit of notice because they’ll think it’s the Manly Ferry.
The World Affairs Think Tank sprang back into action this week by coming up with advice for you on how to handle the Chinese. I know how difficult it can be..
First you’ve got to understand who you’re talking to because what with Stern Hu and President Hu sometimes its difficult to know who’s Hu.
Then you could play pingpong or mah-jong in Hong Kong or Haiphong or dingdong over Falun Gong or Mao Zedong right or wrong or who flung dong at Penny Wong or some nong in a thong going for a song on a chaise longue in Guangdong.
Sorry, we couldn’t think of anything serious and we just got carried away.
Whatever you do don’t get Kevin to speak to the Chinese on your behalf. Ever since he started talking to them in Chinese they’ve gone right off him. He must speak Uighur with a Tibetan accent.
Oh by the way if you’ve panicked at the thought of having tea with me at the Embassy – APRIL FOOL. Ha ha, caught you that time.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Alan Jones, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Christmas Island, Eels, Guangdong, home insulation scheme, Hong Kong, Jeff Bleich, Karzai, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, mah-jong, Manly Ferry, Mao Zedong, Michele Obama, Penny Wong, people smugglers, people smuggling, President Hu, President Obama, President of USA, Stern Hu, Taliban, Tibet, Tony Abbott, Wilson Tuckey
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
This week Guy the intrepid Friday Mash Superfly winged his way to the Christmas 2009 Review Meeting between Santa Claus, the Christmas Fairy and Number One Elf at the North Pole. From a vantage point high on the wall of Santa’s Christmas Grotto he sent us this exclusive report.
‘Dear me’ said Santa ‘this global research study into people’s attitudes to Christmas 2009 is very disturbing. 20% couldn’t remember whose birthday it was, 10% complained about the lack of bar service in churches, 30% thought it was a retail promotion and 40% thought it was a binge drinking carnival’
‘And don’t forget’ said the Christmas Fairy ‘that 80% thought it was spoilt by too much emphasis on religion’
‘Heavens’ said Santa ‘the Archangel won’t like that. He also won’t like the huge offer I’ve had to appear in a VB ad campaign next Christmas. I’ll have to tell him VB stands for virgin birth’
‘People don’t seem to appreciate the presents you give them like they used to’ said the Number One Elf ‘Barnaby Joyce has returned the calculator because he reckons it can’t tell the difference between millions and billions. Belinda Neal has returned the course of anger management classes you delivered on behalf of Kevin and she was really pissed off about it and Kevin has returned his budgie smugglers because they were condemned by the RSPCA’
‘Can you believe’ remarked Santa ‘that some people want to change the whole concept of Christmas. Obama supporters are promoting a second Christmas to mark his birthday and most people believe it should be a beer festival rather than a religious festival’
‘And have you heard the latest?’ asked the Christmas Fairy ‘the Archangel thinks that the reindeer and sleigh is not a viable transportation model in the era of global warming and he’s thinking of giving the Christmas presents delivery contract to DHL’
‘We got a letter from Al Gore the other day’ said the Number One Elf ‘warning us that our Grotto will melt by 2020 and we should seek alternative accommodation that floats. He must think you’re bloody Noah’
‘I’m terribly worried my good name is being eroded by all those out-of-work actors who impersonate me in retail stores’ said Santa ‘I read that one was so strange he got the part of Little Red Riding Hood in a Christmas Panto and another handed out kids toys to the mothers and sex toys to the kids’
‘What on earth should we do for Christmas 2010?’asked the Number One Elf.
‘I think we should do a deal with Obama, Kevin and Gordon Brown’ said the Christmas Fairy ‘to deliver a global Christmas stimulus package each year’
‘I think we should encourage polygamy’ said the Number One Elf ‘It’s much more efficient to have a household like President Zuma’s where you can drop off presents for twenty kids and four wives in one place’
‘We have to go with the flow’ said Santa ‘let’s negotiate a free Christmas grog worldwide delivery service. I’ve always wanted to be a philanthropissed’
Tags: Al Gore, Archangel, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Belinda Neal, Christmas Fairy, DHL, Father Christmas, Gordon Brown, Kevin Rudd, Little Red Riding Hood, President of USA, President Zuma, RSPCA, Santa, stimulus package
Posted in Fly on the Wall | No Comments »
Wonderful, Wonderful Copenhagen
Kevin took 114 delegates to the Copenhagen Conference. Friday Mash can now confirm there were no fatalities on this mission and all have returned safely. Some delegates however reportedly suffered hypothermia, a couple had mental breakdowns trying to make sense of it all and one was rescued from a snowdrift by a great dane.
The Greatest Moral Challenge of our Time
Tony Abbott is keen that his Emissions Reduction Fund should retain its virginity as long as possible and is determined to stop Kevin stuffing it.
Thanks a Trillion
A White House spokesman has confirmed that Obama wont be bringing the US debt to Australia. China owns such a large part of of it they insist he leaves it there for safe keeping while he’s overseas.
Unseasonal Greetings
Despite rumours that he is planning to seek asylum in Australia immigration authorities will not insist Obama travels here from Indonesia via Christmas Island. On the other hand there is still a widespread view that his first coming in Australia should be at Christmas.
A Case of Whether
The good news for Australia on climate change is that NZ now has an ETS up and running. Obviously the sensible thing for Kevin to do is check whether it has any effect on global warming before trying to launch one here.
Tally Ban
Following an extensive research study the Taliban will not be fielding any candidates in the NSW State Election in 2011. Surprisingly the study showed they were even less popular than the current Labor Government.
Floored
Consistent with Kevin’s beneficence in providing jobs for opposition members it is expected that after Malcolm crosses the floor to vote for the ETS he will be offered the job of cleaning it.
Rejoyce
It is difficult to understand why Wayne Swan and Lindsay Tanner are so critical of Barnaby Joyce. He’s helping the Labor Government immeasurably more than they are.
Tags: Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Christmas Island, Copenhagen, Copenhagen Conference, Debt, Emissions Reduction Fund, ETS, global warming, immigration, Kevin Rudd, Lindsay Tanner, Malcolm Turnbull, NSW Labor Government, NSW State Election, President of USA, Taliban, Tony Abbott, US debt, virginity, Wayne Swan
Posted in Carbon Emissions | 2 Comments »
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