This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on the wall of the Prime Minister’s office in Canberra where he was meeting with the Deputy Prime Minister to discuss the BER. This was an assignment fraught with mortal danger because Kevin always keeps a can of Mortein in his office. Guy has just filed this exclusive report.

‘I find it absolutely incredible’ said Kevin ‘that the BER has saved Australia from going into recession yet all we get is criticism’

‘I know’ said Julia ‘I’m spending all my time looking into complaints about building rorts and rip-offs. There’s one here about a Covered Outside Learning Area costing two hundred and fifty thousand dollars’

‘That’s cheap’ said Kevin ‘what’s the problem?’

‘It doesn’t have a cover’ said Julia

‘Well Julia’ said Kevin ‘you’re doing all the right things. First you strongly denied there were any problems, then you blamed the media for distorting the facts and when that didn’t work you blamed John Howard and Tony Abbott’

‘But we’ve blamed them so often’ said Julia ‘that they can’t be trusted to help us any more’

‘Ok’ said Kevin ‘the next stage is to hold audits and inquiries and blame the shonky rorting builders and then if things really look bad I’ll have to apologise and bring in Greg Combet to clear up the mess’

‘What about me?’ asked Julia

‘No problem’ said Kevin ‘first I’ll call you a first-class minister then I’ll fire you so you can start work on the Covered Outside Treatment Areas for hospitals’

‘But Kevin’ said Julia ‘there are thousands of school halls, libraries and COLAs bearing plaques with my name on’

‘That could be a problem’ said Kevin ‘but as soon as Greg’s sorted the whole thing out I’ll replace them with plaques bearing my name. By the way where has all the money gone?’

‘Well’ said Julia ‘its gone in fees. The local state government gets a fee for agreeing to the plan and not blaming us if things go wrong, the building contractors get a project management fee, Lara Bingle’s agent gets a fee for not circulating photos of her naked in a school shower, the earthquake prevention society gets a fee, the building unions get a fee for not striking and the banks get a fee because they get a fee on everything’

‘Well there’s no sign of rorting there’ said Kevin

‘I guarantee that no COLA will cost more than a school’ said Julia ‘not even a rum and COLA’

‘What’s this about a million dollars for a school hall’ asked Kevin ‘for a school that’s only got two students?’

‘It’s in a Labor seat’ explained Julia ‘the budget has been spent liberally in Labor seats but you’ll have to labor to find anything in Liberal seats. All they’re getting are Uncovered Outside Learning Areas.

‘So’ said Kevin ‘when are we going to see the full effects of your Education Revolution?’

‘When the militant teachers union storm the federal parliament building’ said Julia ‘and take over the government’

‘That will teach them a lesson’ said Kevin