Posts Tagged ‘Sarah Palin’
Shaggy Dog Stories by Bo, the first Dog, about his dog days in the White House with Obama
Yap No. 4
I think Big O was quite relieved when Gordon Brown was dumped as PM in the UK.
It’s true that he and Gordon were closely aligned in a political sense but the guy was obviously a bit of a nutter. His visits to the White House were anticipated with the level of trepidation reserved for people like Rod Blagojevich and Sarah Palin.
His successor David Cameron is a shiny-bum who went to Eton but is certainly no right-wing ratbag. And I told Big O that Nick Clegg, David’s deputy PM and coalition partner, was one of the few people in the world whose politics are similar to Nancy Pelosi.
‘Very interesting Bo’ said Big O as we were in conference preparing for the Cameron visit, ‘but I’m definitely thinking of getting up him about the oil spill and the Libyan terrorist’
‘Hold on a minute’ I said ‘you can’t hold David responsible for BP’s stuff-ups. Next you’ll be telling me that the oil spill was Britain’s revenge for the Williams sisters spilling out all over Wimbledon’
‘Look’ said Big O ‘I’m concerned that BP had a hand in the release of that Libyan terrorist from Scotland’
‘No way’ I said ‘he was released on humanitarian grounds because for years he’d been undergoing a torture so depraved and inhumane they’ve banned it in Tehran and Guantanamo Bay’
‘Good heavens’ said Big O ‘you don’t mean…’
‘Yes’ I said ‘he was forced to eat haggis and salty porridge three times a day’
‘Well’ said Big O ‘I’m still going to kick up a bit of a fuss because everyone hates BP particularly that horse’s arse Tony Hayward’
‘Don’t worry Big O’ I said ‘he’s gone. I got my mates in London to do a bit of dog whistling’
‘What else should I know about David?’ asked Big O
‘Well the UK economy is in deep shit’ I said
‘Oh no’ said Big O ‘it can’t be worse than ours. I was going to ask him for a loan’
‘Forget it’ I said ‘Things over there are so tough I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to sell you the Royal Family’
‘Is there anything specific he’s likely to ask me for?’ asked Big O
‘Without question’ I said ‘he’ll plead with you to prevent Hollywood making any more Sex and the City movies’
‘What about Afghanistan?’ asked Big O
‘Following the announcement of your plan to start pulling out of Afghanistan’ I said ‘by leaving our troops there and surging I think he’s as confused as the Taliban’
‘One of my most brilliant strategies’ said Big O ‘By the way do you think I should ask David to arrange a meeting for me with the Queen?’
‘No’ I said ‘don’t trouble him with stuff like that. All you need do to arrange a meeting with the Queen is pay Fergie five hundred thousand quid’
Tags: BP oil leak, David Cameron satire, Gordon Brown, Nancy Pelosi, Nick Clegg satire, Rod Blagojevich, Sarah Palin, Tony Hayward
Posted in Bo and Big O | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
9th April 2010
Dear Mr President,
You are simply not going to believe this. My beloved Eels got beaten by the Cronulla Sharks of all people. That’s like your mob the Chicago White Sox getting trounced by the Alaskan Little Leaguers coached by Sarah Palin.
I follow the Eels religiously especially at Easter but sometimes my faith is sorely tested especially now that the Tigers are playing like Angels.
What do you think about this dreadful business with the catholic priests. I hope you’ve given the Pope a bit of a rollocking over it. I’d love to give him a piece of my mind. Fancy confessing to someone who’s got more to confess than you have. If he needs any help tell the Pope I’ve got a guaranteed way of making a prelate celibate. Give him a good hard kick in the cobblers.
I was shocked to hear that Malcolm’s getting out of politics though I wont miss him much and neither will Tony. Fancy trying to get Kevin fired for doing his mate John a good turn. Then he tried to help Kevin with the ETS and really stuffed that. And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it was Malcolm who persuaded Kevin to get into that insulation mess.
Malcolm reminded me of someone driving one of those Toyota cars with the accelerator jammed on 200kms an hour. He was racing flat out towards the prime ministers office knocking over Brendan Nelson and Godwin Grech on the way before finally crashing into the ETS barrier which Kevin had craftily put in his way.
I’m terribly worried that Kevin is overheating. He’s trying to stop global warming and people’s roofs catching fire while Tony’s applying a blowtorch to his backside over schools and hospitals.
Neville says that if you’ve got a few bucks to spare he’ll go into partnership with you in a hospitals building company and there might still be some business to pick up from schools. In view of where most of his stimulus money’s been going recently I’m sure Kevin would see it as an improvement if some of it landed up in the US.
Owing to the Easter break we didn’t have a meeting of the World Affairs Think Tank this week. Hope that’s ok with you. Instead Mildred and I went down to the Canberra Press Club to hear Bob Brown talk about securing Australia’s future energy needs. According to him coal and gas are a total no-no, nuclear power is worse and all he’s keen on is wavepower and windpower. It all sounded like a load of piss and wind to me.
Have you read about that huge Chinese ship carrying coal which crashed into the Barrier Reef? Bloody outrage. I’d arrest the captain and charge him with cruising round the Barrier Reef without a licence from Queensland Tourism. Then I’d sentence him to ten years and send him back to China in exchange for Stern Hu and a massive iron ore contract.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Alaskan Little Leaguers, Balmain Tigers, Barrier Reef, Bob Brown, Brendan Nelson, Canberra Press Club, Chicago White Sox, China, Cronulla Sharks, education revolution, Eels, ETS, global warming, Godwin Grech, healthcare, iron ore, John Howard, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Queensland Tourism, Sarah Palin, Stern Hu, stimulus, The Pope, Tony Abbott, Toyota cars, US
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
19th March 2010
Dear Mr President,
It’s been a terrible week here.
First we get news that your family aren’t coming with you to Australia, then we’re told you’re coming here later than planned, then you’re only coming for twenty-four hours missing out Sydney and may not come at all if the healthcare bill doesn’t get passed.
Kevin can’t get anything passed either. If you ask me you both need a good dose of prunes.
Mildred and I are even considering going to Canberra just to catch a glimpse of you. Give me a wave if you see me in the crowd. I’ll be wearing my pink and beige floral number so I should be pretty easy to spot.
I’ve cancelled the provisional booking for your address at the local RSL conference centre and told the mayor he can hang up his chain for the day. It’s such a shame.
I’m terribly worried about Kevin. His poll numbers are in the toilet and everybody’s saying how rude and bad tempered he is. He was even hostile to our premier Kristina who’s such a lovely woman. Neville’s really got the hots for her. It’s a bit confusing when your husband is threatening to elope with the NSW Premier.
I’m relying on you to give Kevin a bit of a surge while you’re here. He seems to be spending all his time in hospitals and churches. I’m worried he’ll get confused and hand round a bedpan for the church collection. They never provide restrooms in churches so he might collect more than he bargained for.
By the way please don’t mention the ETS when you’re with Kevin. He seems to have gone right off it. Maybe he’ll recover in time for the next climate change conference in Mexico. It looks like the drug cartels will be running the country by then so we’ll be able to see whether things really do go better with coke. Oh I am awful sometimes.
Instead of our usual World Affairs Think Tank session this week the Club put together a list of must-do things for you in Australia. I hope it will come in handy.
You’ve got to buy the children’s book written by Kevin. I think it’s called ‘Snow White and the 07 Kevins’.
Please tell everyone that Kevin is the loveliest, most delightful, good-tempered, polite, intelligent and generous man you’ve ever met. Yes I know it’s not true but you’re the only person who could say it without causing raucous laughter.
If you get served Coon cheese in the parliament canteen please don’t take it personally.
I’m sure you wont feel out of place when you find you’re the only black person in the Australian Parliament. There are two Browns however and both of them are green.
If you haven’t had time to write your speech to the joint sitting of Parliament why don’t you pick up a copy of the one Yudwhoyouknow gave them a couple of weeks ago when you’re in Indonesia. I’m sure no-one would notice if you did an encore and it contains all the right stuff about terrorists, co-operation, how wonderful Australia and Kevin are with no mention of the ETS.
Whatever you do don’t pass on any advice to your daughters from Tony Abbott. But Sarah Palin might appreciate it.
Unfortunately you wont have time this trip to come with me to watch the Eels. They lost to the Saints in the opener but I’ll book you a seat for the grand final because they’re bound to be there.
Till next week.
Gaelene Woo,
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Coon cheese, drug cartels, Eels, ETS, Gordon Brown, Indonesia, Kevin 07, Kevin Rudd, Kristina Keneally, KRudd, Mexico, Michele Obama, NSW Premier, Obama Healthcare, Obamacare, Saints, Sarah Palin, Terrorism, terrorist attacks, Tony Abbott, Yudhoyono
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
OBAMA RUDD CALL
This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly winged his way back to the US, managed to penetrate White House security and found a place on an Oval Office wall just as the President was on the phone to the Prime Minister of Australia.
Guy showed great courage in undertaking this mission in view of the President’s well-publicised skills in fly zapping. Here is his exclusive report.
‘You’re right Kevin’ said Obama ‘I had no idea how difficult it would be to get a healthcare plan up and running. It’s being blocked by Republicans and healthy people’
‘I see you’ve got Nicola Roxon out there fronting your hospitals plan. It’s such a great idea to have a patient doing the selling for you. I do hope she makes a full recovery’
‘The problem is I want a comprehensive healthcare plan but the Republicans just want to strip everything off. No, not Sarah Palin thank goodness’
‘Those price-gouging health insurance companies only want to insure healthy people. Yes that’s a great idea Kevin, a publicly owned health insurance scheme which only insures people in bad health but is paid for by taxes from healthy people. Wait a bit though wouldn’t that mean that healthy people would claim to be suffering from some awful disease like neo-liberalism? Of course, that would be a dead giveaway. They’re just the people we want to tax. Brilliant’
‘Will my healthcare plan send America broke? Of course not. We’ve had Barnaby Joyce over here going through the numbers and he’s found the trillions we owe are actually billions’
‘Yes I’m definitely going to try and get the healthcare bill passed through reconciliation. What’s that? Reconciliation works better if you say ‘sorry’ first. I don’t think that would work over here’
‘It looks like Gordon Brown’s going to lose the UK election. Yes I know, he can be a terrible bully. I don’t think it’s going to be a problem for us because David Cameron seems like forty-five degrees to the left of Sean Penn and the Chinese Politburo.
‘What’s the ETS situation down there? Oh really, that bad. Frankly we’re reluctant to do too much about climate change in the US in case we cause next winter to be even colder than this one. But didn’t Malcolm Turnbull cross the floor to vote for the ETS?
Yes its such shame that he’s a republican’
‘No sorry Kevin I can’t lease Guantanamo Bay to you just yet. I know you’ve got asylum seeker problems but someone in my administration has just had the brilliant idea that down there would be the ideal place to put the terrorists on trial. Eric Holder wanted the trials to be in New York. Can you imagine all the cost and the chaos that would cause?’
‘Yes. I’m rally looking forward to the trip to Australia and meeting people like Tony Abbott. Really, but I heard he was the leader of the liberals. You mean to say that some of the liberals over there are conservatives? Then how can I tell the difference between the left-wing liberals and the conservative liberals. Oh I see the left-wing liberals are hairy and don’t dress very well just like Barney Frank. Thanks that’s a real help’
‘Is there anything I can bring over for you? What about a copy of my healthcare plan? No ? Yes I’m really looking to addressing the joint session of parliament. Just a thought. Peter Garrett didn’t insulate the parliament building did he?’
Tags: Barack, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Barney Frank, Chinese Politburo, Climate Change, David Cameron, Eric Holder, ETS, Fly on the Wall, Gordon Brown, Guantanamo Bay, Guy the Fly, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, neo-liberalism, Nicola Roxon, Obama Healthcare, Obamacare, President of US, Sarah Palin, Sean Penn, Tony Abbott, UK election
Posted in Fly on the Wall | 17 Comments »
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly remained in the US this week after his assignment in Al Gore’s office and managed to find a place on a wall of the conference room at Tiger Wood’s sports management agency when a discussion of post-apology strategies was under way. Here is his exclusive report.
‘Hey guys, I thought the apology went well’
‘Sure thing Mac’ said Huey ‘nice touch of yours about Buddhism. Do you think people spotted that Tiger didn’t write the apology himself?’
‘No way’ said Mac ‘who cares anyhow? The important objective is preserving the Tiger Woods brand. What do you think Carrie?’
‘Absolute brilliant Mac’ said Carrie ‘you guys who wrote the apology did a great job. But I wonder if that’s how Tiger really feels’
‘What do you mean?’ asked Mac ‘That’s what he agreed to say isn’t it?’
‘Yes I know’ said Carrie ‘but there have been reports that he’s been out with bimbos during his sex addiction treatment at the clinic’
‘Well maybe he had to do a bit of fieldwork’ said Mac ‘or maybe they’re weaning him off bimbos gradually. I mean you can’t expect him to go one hundred percent cold turkey’
‘Perhaps he’s had enough of golf’ suggested Huey
‘You have to be joking’ said Mac ‘besides we can’t afford to lose all that revenue. We need Tiger out there hitting the greens to make our profit forecast for the year’
‘No but seriously’ said Huey ‘he’s made all those billions and as he said in the apology he now feels he’s entitled to some matchplay off the golf course’
‘Wait a minute’ said Mac ‘the Tiger Woods brand which is the mark of our genius depicts a loving husband and father who is the world’s greatest golfer’
‘That’s history Mac’ said Carrie ‘you might get away with ‘loving father’ but ‘loving husband’ is about as believable as Sarah Palin becoming a porn movie star’
‘Talking of porn stars’ said Huey ‘you know that one Tiger used to go out with. She’s complaining that Tiger’s been unfaithful to her. Is she kidding? Don’t tell me she’s switched to making documentaries for National Geographic’
‘We’ve got to Tiger back on the golf circuit as soon as possible’ said Mac ‘golf needs it, the public needs it and our bottom line desperately needs it’
‘I’m beginning to think that his future aspirations will be more in the rough than on the fairways’ said Huey ‘I’ve got an idea. Let’s produce a new television series called Tiger and the Desperate Porn Stars. It would be an absolute smash hit and make us a lot more money than golf’
‘And Tiger will be eternally grateful to us’ said Carrie’ for helping him find his true destiny’. ’
‘You’re right’ said Mac ‘Come to think of it I’ve recently had the sort of feeling that Tiger’s ready for something different. I’ll ring up all those porn stars I know and Huey you ring up Tiger’s girlfriends. You’ve been out with all of them’
Tags: Al Gore, Buddhism, Desperate Porn Stars, golf, National Geographic, Sarah Palin, sex addiction, sex addiction clinic, Tiger Woods
Posted in Fly on the Wall | 6 Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
26th February 2010
Dear Mr President,
You are just not going to believe this. All four of those people who came to the Sarah Palin Roast and half-price beer night came back for our club meeting this week and are now paid up members. So that takes us to a total of twenty-two and there were actually twenty-three at the meeting because the cleaning lady stayed on.
Great excitement here this week over the government’s insulation scheme. It’s been a big shock to everyone and Peter Garrett’s in deep doodoo over it. Mind you it only goes to prove what I’ve always said. Greenies like Peter are great at stirring the possum but get them to organise something like batts in your belfry and they’re totally out of their environment.
You’re not going to believe this either. Tony Abbott’s given up sex for Lent. Neville said it was Mary MacKillop’s third miracle.
I saw Malcolm Turnbull on the telly last night and I can’t believe I’m saying this but he almost came across as likeable. You can’t help admiring him for supporting Kevin’s ETS although he probably hasn’t got the faintest idea what it’s all about just like the rest of us.
It doesn’t look like Malcolm will get a decent gig in the Coalition while the Mad Monk’s in charge so I hope Kevin finds a decent job for him. I wrote to him suggesting he should organise a new political party called the Don’t Knows. They’re already ahead of the Greens in the polls.
I had prepared to discuss some really profound international issues at the World Affairs Think Tank this week but all they wanted to talk about was the ETS and climate change. So I hastily changed the subject to ‘Climate Change, the ETS and ERF; are they all a con job?’
Cyril said he’d watched the weather forecast on Channel Nine News every day for over twenty years and there was no sign of the climate changing.
Marge said she hadn’t got a clue what the ETS is about. She couldn’t believe that the government wanted to charge everyone for smoke. She claimed her Alf blew smoke out of his backside at least twice a day and the ETS would make him unaffordable.
Our Mavis’ Bert said he had really tried hard to understand Tony Abbott’s ERF. He believed it was basically about persuading people to stay home in the dark, because electricity would be too expensive, and spend more time having sex as long as it wasn’t during Lent, with a catholic priest or with one of his daughters.
Mildred as usual was right on the money. She claimed that Copenhagen was a disaster because there’s no one size fit all climate change solution. Every country should decide what climate it wants and design an ETS or an ERF to make it happen. We should leave all the world stuff to Al Gore and also Kevin because obviously Australia doesn’t emit enough carbon to keep him fully interested.
I summed it all up by saying whatever our views we should all take part in Clean-up Australia this year. I couldn’t see what it’s got to do with climate change but I was sure there is a connection somewhere. What’s more this year there will be loads of waste batts to clean up.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Al Gore, Clean-up Australia, Climate Change, Copenhagen, ETS, Greens, home insulation scheme, Insulation, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Mary MacKillop, Peter Garrett, Sarah Palin, Tony Abbott
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 1 Comment »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
19th February 2010
Mr President,
I can’t tell you how excited we all are about your visit. Marge almost had to go to emergency last week because she was overheating.
The mayor is standing by and thinks he can get the day off if you can find time to visit Beauthaven. We haven’t heard back from your social secretary yet so perhaps you could jog her memory.
Instead of our usual World Affairs Think Tank this week the Club put on a Sarah Palin Roast and Half-Price Beer Night. It was a huge success but I think Neville got a bit upset about some of the things they said about Sarah because he fancies her just like Hillary. He once told me I was the same type as Sarah. Next thing he’ll be inviting me out moose-shooting.
I’m really excited that the Club picked up four new members at the Roast but I‘m not convinced we’ll keep them once the beer goes back to full price.
The committee thought it would be useful if I passed on a few tips about Australia to help you plan your trip. I know the embassy in Canberra will be briefing you but its not like they live in Australia.
Now I know you’re used to flying into major capital cities like London and Washington. Flying into Canberra may be a bit of a shock. Don’t be surprised if it seems like you’re flying into Kevin’s country estate instead.
The airport building is about half as big as Air Force One. In fact while you’re there some people might mistake it for the airport building.
Canberra’s not what you’d call a shopper’s paradise. If Michele wants to do any shopping here I suggest you drop her off in Sydney and I’ll show her round.
Mildred suggested I reassure you that it will be quite safe to go into the Australian Parliament because Peter Garrett hasn’t insulated the roof.
By the way there’s a whole lot of Afghans and Sri Lankans in Indonesia who are trying to get into Australia. When you call in there make sure your security guys are on the lookout for potential stowaways on Air Force One. It wouldn’t be a good look if you disembarked in Sydney with a bunch of asylum seekers.
You might have to be sprayed by the immigration authorities before you land in Canberra but usually they only spray septics who are Republicans.
I know you’ll have a great time in Canberra chatting up Kevin and Julia. They’re such lovely people. And I know you’ll do your best to be polite when you meet Tony Abbott and Joe Hockey; don’t be surprised if Joe’s dressed as Tinkerbell. And if Barnaby Joyce tells you to ‘bugger off’ that’s only the Nationals way of trying to be matey.
Oh and don’t be surprised by the Federal Parliament Building being partly underground. They designed it that way to conceal the fact that our politicians have got their heads buried in the sand.
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Air Force One, asylum seekers, Barack Obama, Barnaby Joyce, Hillary Clinton, Joe Hockey, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Michele Obama, Obama Fan Club, Peter Garrett, Sarah Palin, Tony Abbott
Posted in Obama Fan Club | No Comments »
Newsletter from Australia
White House,
Washington DC.,
12th February 2010
Mr President,
I’m terribly worried about you and Kevin.
How can the two most brilliant, charismatic and loved leaders of our time be taking a bath in the opinion polls? Doesn’t the public recognise messiahs when they see them?
I know its all about democracy and everyone being entitled to their own opinion but how on earth could anyone rank Sarah Palin and Tony Abbott in the same league as you two?
Admittedly that Palin woman has got a bit of get up and go about her, is a dab hand at moose shooting and I’m sure Neville secretly fancies her but she does tend to shriek a bit and if she was invited to a tea party round here no-one else would turn up. Imagine her having the audacity to believe she’s in the same league as Hillary and all the other women Bill knows.
And as for Tony Abbott he’s just a rugby rah-rahing boxing, cycling, bush firefighting, womanising, ironmaning, lifesaving, Rhodes Scholaring, budgie smuggling larrikin who thinks that Kevin is nothing but a toxically boring, preening and prissying little two-faced nerd. There’s just no comparison. Neville can’t stand Tony because he didn’t play rugby league.
Kevin appeals to women much more than Tony. That’s because Tony’s dated most of them and they know what he’s like. He spent most of his younger years persuading them to give up their virginity and, mark my words, his big promise at the next election will be to give them all back.
This week the club’s World Affairs Think Tank tackled an education issue of profound worldwide relevance; ‘Should we teach sex in schools?‘ We selected it specially to give you some guidance on future policy development in this vital area.
Marge made an unusually incisive contribution. She said it all depended on how you interpreted the question. She is all in favour of teaching sex in schools but not having sex in schools. Apparently it put her off for years.
Our Mavis’ Bert was adamant that teachers should be taught sex in schools because the students already know more than they do.
Gert wanted to know if there would be any homework and would it involve any practical assignments.
Cyril saw great opportunities to establish joint projects between boys and girls schools using a sophisticated ‘you can look at mine if I can look at yours’ teaching method.
Mildred was very much in favour of teaching drugs and rock and roll as well as sex. Further she pointed out that if girls were taught lap and pole dancing as well it would help them build on their sex education by opening up career opportunities.
Mervyn saw a problem in catholic schools where priests have traditionally taught the wrong sort of sex. He stressed that priests have got a strong track record on teaching the theory of marriage before sex but of course the practice is a virtual impossibility for them.
I summed it all up by saying that schools should have a place for teaching sex but it was still likely to be behind the toilet block or on the back seat of the headmaster’s car.
You will let me know if there’s anything special you would like Think Tank to tackle wont you?
Till next week,
Gaelene Woo
President
Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Kevin Rudd, Sarah Palin, Sex Education, Tony Abbott, virginity
Posted in Obama Fan Club | 2 Comments »
2010 will be one of the coldest years on record. Europe and the US are already recording the lowest January temperatures for yonks. Expect Kevin and Al Gore to claim that the record numbers of people suffering hypothermia are a disastrous consequence of global warming.
Kevin will get his ETS legislation passed at the ninth attempt, but only as part of an anti-smoking campaign. Smokers will be capped at twenty a day but will be able to trade for more from people who have gone to pot.
Tony Abbott will be replaced as leader of the Australian opposition after he has a wardrobe malfunction on a beach and police impound his budgies pending a smuggling investigation.
The Australian federal election will be fought on the economy and the ETS with the Greens making sweeping gains by pointing out that if you have a fair dinkum ETS you can’t afford an economy.
Kevin will run an election campaign which is so toxically boring that half the population will leave the country and the other half will watch DVDs of the Copenhagen Climate Change Conference for light relief.
Obama’s healthcare bill will finally pass in the US based on cost saving amendments which will deny treatment to hypochondriacs even if they’re sick and also to republicans who lean heavily to the right.
The NSW Labor Government will change premiers three times during the year before reaching the conclusion that Joe Tripodi doesn’t have a mate capable of doing the premier’s job.
Tiger Woods will win the 2010 Bartenders Award for shaking the best cocktail waitresses and will take advantage of laws in South Africa allowing polygamy by marrying at least fifty hostesses. This will ensure the next time he strays off the fairway into the rough it will probably be with one of his wives.
The Climate Change Conference in Mexico will achieve an unprecedented level of unanimity because no-one will turn up except Kevin and Al Gore.
The campaign against terrorism will intensify and women seeking to become members of the mile high club will be warned against trying it on with men wearing explosive underpants. They will be advised rather to concentrate on experiences with men offering less dramatic Bonds.
The UK election will be fought on the economy but on assuming power David Cameron will discover the country no longer has one.
The US economy will remain deep in the tank with Obama giving himself an A+ for preventing it from going totally down the toilet and settling the debt to China by giving them Alaska and Sarah Palin provided she’s interned as a dissident.
Politics in Australia will continue to stimulate with Kevin sustaining high popularity rankings by replacing his spin doctors with witch doctors who cast a spell over the electorate. Malcolm Turnbull will sit on a beach in the Maldives trying to repel rising sea levels but he will be dressed in diving gear.
During 2010 the world will once again await the emergence of a politician with the courage and sheer genius to do something wonderful for mankind. And it will almost certainly be doing the same in 2011.
Tags: Al Gore, anti-smoking, Barack Obama, Climate Change Conference, Copenhagen, David Cameron, ETS, federal election, global warming, Joe Tripodi, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, NSW Labor Government, Obama Healthcare, Republicans, Sarah Palin, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott
Posted in Weekly Mash | 2 Comments »
It’s such a busy time of year and not surprising that so many forget about New Year’s Resolutions. Here’s a few gentle reminders to those sorely in need.
Hostesses and
cocktail waitresses - ban dates with Tiger
Obama - change into something we can really believe in
President Hu - develop an image as Old King Coal
Tony Abbott - take the painful step up to ferret smugglers
Malcolm Turnbull - reduce greenhouse gas emissions by becoming less of an old fart
Gordon Brown - take constipation tablets regularly
Berlusconi - stay out of crowds unless they’re young girls
Penny Wong - tattoo ‘ETS’ on her backside so she can sit on it for a while
Father Christmas - abandon plans to extend his franchise into Afghanistan
Julie Bishop - pick up a few tips from Deputy Dawg
Bill Clinton - don’t become jealous of Tiger
Robert Mugabe - spend Zimbabwe’s climate change grant from the UN on a luxury ski lodge in St Moritz
Julia Gillard - stop talking like an education revolution headmistress
Joe Tripodi – reduce carbon emissions by becoming a solar power broker
Al Gore - stop emiting anything. We’ve got the message
The Mayor of Copenhagen - clean up after the cyclones, earthquakes and bushfires caused by the Climate Change Conference
Sarah Palin - make an unpresidented impact
Joe Hockey - reduce waist in the Liberal Party
Kevin - achieve a further reduction in greenhouse emissions by extending the ETS to cover baked beans and artichokes
Tiger - become President of US Adulterers Anonymous and recruit Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer and Mark Sanford as foundation members
Wayne Swan - needs to take at least a couple of stimulus packages a day
Tags: Afghanistan, Al Gore, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Climate Change, ETS, Gordon Brown, Joe Hockey, Joe Tripodi, Julia Gillard, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd, Liberal Party, Malcolm Turnbull, President Hu, Robert Mugabe, Santa, Sarah Palin, Silvio Berlusconi, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan
Posted in Business, International Affairs, Politics, Weekly Mash | No Comments »
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