Story No. 29

‘Congratulations George’ I said ‘on your re-election. I cant’ believe so many people voted for Kerry. And as for John Edwards he couldn’t get a gig as a gigolo in a sex addiction clinic for women’

‘Thanks Barney’ said George ‘and I’m particularly grateful for your brilliant contributions to my campaign’

‘You bet’ I said ‘does this mean I’m retained as a senior advisor for the next four years?’

‘Definitely’ said George

‘I’m honoured’ I said ‘but there’s one or two points I’d like to discuss. It has come to my attention that Karl Rove your other senior advisor makes far more than I do’

‘That’s right’ said George ‘but there’s no such concept as equal pay for dogs. Karl is highly paid but I guarantee that no dog in the US is better off than you’

‘Well’ I said ‘here’s my ambit claim. Fillet steak at least once a week, weekly full body grooming at the Pet Pampering Palace, a new fifty-two inch TV set to fit in my kennel, a new computer with six gigabarks and regular bonking with the hotties I find on the on-line Doggy Dating Service’

‘Good heavens Barney’ said George ‘Ok but I’m not sure how I’m going to arrange White House passes for your doggy dates. If I can arrange for you to slip out through the back gate that should ensure you get it away’

‘Agreed’ I said ‘I’ll have the contract ready for you to sign tomorrow. Now in regard to setting policies for the next four years you’ve got to do something about the economy’

‘Why?’ asked George ‘its booming’

‘Listen carefully’ I said ‘Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae are handing out far too many mortgages to people who haven’t got a republican’s chance in San Francisco of paying them back’

‘Come on Barney’ said George ‘Alan Greenspan’s telling me there are no problems. Don’t tell me you know better than him’

‘George’ I said ‘Alan doesn’t have my nose for things. I’m sensing a stink around Freddie and Fannie that I haven’t smelled since Kenneth Lay came to the White House just before Enron went down the toilet in 2001. I couldn’t tell you because we weren’t on speaking terms back then’

‘Look Barney’ said George ‘I don’t know what I can do. I can hardly get you and Alan together for a chat’

‘Mark my words’ I said ‘if you go on like this there’s a crash coming sometime in the next four years and it will stuff your approval rating and stuff any chance of a Republican running the 2009 election’

‘Where on earth do you get all this stuff from?’ asked George

‘I just dog on to the internet’ I said ‘and chat to underground terrier groups all over the world. And by the way George talking of terriers its high time you sorted out that mob in Iraq. I agree with Dick Cheney for a change. It’s time for a surge’

‘Goodness Barney’ said George ‘if you’ve started to agree with Dick perhaps I should get you two together’

‘Thank you George’ I said ‘but I’ve only just got rid of the fleas and the last thing I need is a dose of the worms’