Newsletter from Australia

White House,
Washington DC.,

6th November 2009

Dear Mr President,

One year ago this week since you were elected President. Congratulations.

Who would have thought that after such a short time you would be the toast of the world and have a fan club in Sydney Australia.

I’m even more excited about your prospects for next year when you actually start doing a few things.

I’ve just had such a shock. According to the latest Newspoll the Labor Party has dropped seven percentage points and they are now running neck and neck with the Coalition.

Kevin’s such a wonderful inspiration just like you and I can’t bear the thought of him being less popular than Malcolm.

Mind you I have to say that his recent rantings about asylum seekers have been like a madwoman’s midlife crisis. And as for the ETS he reckons we’ve got a choice between drowning and being burnt to death or losing our jobs and paying zillions more for electricity and everything. Drowning is beginning to look like the best option.

I was so worried I immediately called a meeting of the policy specialists in the Obama Fan Club. I hope you don’t mind the Club spending the time to help Kevin get his polling back up but if we don‘t act you could be dealing with Malcolm and he’s like a cross between Admedinnerdad and Sorenosey.

First of all we decided that he should immediately drop the Indonesian Solution for asylum seekers. His government has issued travel advisories for years warning people not to go to Indonesia yet he has sent the asylum seekers back there. It would be more humane to send them to North Korea or Somalia.

Next we came up with a masterstroke. Actually it was my idea.

Kevin should adopt the People Smugglers Solution. I’m amazed it hasn’t already occurred to him. We believe he should immediately fly out to Indonesia and negotiate with the people smugglers. After all they’re the ones who have been causing all the problems.

He should offer not to seize their vessels and arrest their crews on condition that they start using safe boats which don’t sink and employ crews with some idea where Christmas Island is. Further they should publish a return-trip schedule to Christmas Island, so the detention centre knows what to expect and when and how many extra port-a-loos they’re going to need.

If the people smugglers prove they can manage the timetables efficiently Kevin might offer them the contract to run state rail in NSW. Only kidding.

Stop press. The Fijians have thrown the Australian High Commissioner out of their country. They have appointed some Sri Lankans as judges in Suva and are nicked off that Australia has banned them from com ing here. Quite right too. They could be asylum seekers in disguise.

I sent our asylum seeker recommendations to Kevin on Wednesday. I haven’t heard back yet but he’ll probably phone over the weekend.

Till next week,

Gaelene Woo,
President