From those wonderful people who brought you the mexican wave and mariachi music comes swine flu which is just as catchy.

The NSW Government was potentially well-equipped to deal with swine flu through applying measures similar to those developed for equine flu such as quarantining pigs and pig farmers and suspending pig racing.

Kevin took a commendable initiative on swine flu by advising the nation to wash their hands thoroughly and often. The NSW Government took him at his word and washed their hands of the whole thing.

As a result swine flu suspects disembarking from the Pacific Dawn in Sydney were sent merrily on their way to do viral marketing all over Australia. In order to safeguard the future health of the nation experts believe that the next time a cruise ship with a raging epidemic on board is heading for Sydney it should be diverted to New Zealand.

Then the diligent Nicola Roxon intervened with a memorable television appearance.

She announced that up to four million Australians will suffer swine flu. This was a bit of a shock because to that point there were only sixty-six confirmed cases. The community was alarmed rather than alerted by the prospect that there were still up to three million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and thirty-four chances of contracting the disease given the news that Kevin had just tested negative.

But there was more. Nicola revealed that the swine flu virus could mutate during winter and become much more of a threat even causing fatalities. In other words non-sufferers should rush out and kiss a swine flu sufferer as soon as possible so they catch the milder pre-mutation version.

The really good news was that she had ordered ten million doses of swine flu vaccine. However there did appear to be a couple of salient reasons why the vaccine may not be our ultimate saviour. It wont be delivered until after the virus has run amok during winter and it hasn’t been invented yet.

In other mind-numbing developments people smugglers were pleased to announce no drop in bookings for passages to Australia following the swine flu outbreak, pig farmers demanded that people should be quarantined to protect pigs and environmental groups forecast no increase in carbon emissions as a result of swine flu but expected that any fatalities would cause a reduction in carbon footprints.

Following the successful Pacific Dawn test market it is anticipated that tailor-made cruises will be marketed to the burgeoning swine flu sector. As an added attraction face masks will be mandatory for all passengers so it will be impossible to tell whether you’re cruising with your spouse or another case in the epidemic of affairs on cruise ships.

For too long Australia has been bombarded by flu viruses developed in other countries. It is about time we retaliated by exporting roo flu. There are no serious symptoms, it simply makes your temperature hop up and down.